Original subtitles

That's the last time I get my weather information from the weatherman.

A little higher, Lurch.

[ Lurch GRUNTS, shifts BOULDER on shoulder HIGHER ]

Perfect.

The moonlight certainly brings out your ghostly pallor.

Hey, Tish.

Care for a little swordplay?

Perhaps later, darling.

Lurch?

[ TOSSES SWORD at Lurch, he CATCHES IT while still holding up BOULDER ]

En garde!

[ FENCING with GOMEZ, still with BOULDER on SHOULDER ]

Lurch,

how are those deadly nightshade berries coming along?

I want to get my jam made, before they lose their kick!

[ Lurch GRUNTS ]

And could you hold my antenna?

I don't want to miss my favorite soap opera,

The Old and Repulse-less.

Relax, Lurch.

I'll take care of that, Mama. [ TAKES ANTENNA from HER ]

[ FESTER waves ANTENNA around, ANTENNA emitting FEEDBACK sounds ]

We seem to be getting an awful lot of interference.

Here.

I'll just have to boost up the power for ya.

[ CLOSES EYES in CONCENTRATION, BUZZING noise EMITS from ANTENNA ]

'A lightning storm warning is in effect for the greater metropolitan area.'

You probably get your information from the weatherman, too.

[ TURNS AROUND, still holding ANTENNA ]

[ LIGHTNING strikes FESTER and ANTENNA ]

[ FESTER SCREAMING, as he is ELECTROCUTED ]

Oh!

[ MORTICIA starts PAINTING FESTER being ELECTROCUTED ]

Wow!

I can't wait to hear the Five Day forecast!

[ NODS APPRECIATELY ]

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

What do you think, Fester?

Maybe one more flammable tank car, up near the engine.

Capital idea!

Would you get it? I put it up on that shelf.

So that if it fell, it would cause maximum destruction.

[ SOUND of RADIO FREQUENCY ] 'I'm hungrier than I'd ever been.'

Oh, me too, Gomez.

Maybe I should ask Lurch to fix us a snack?

How did you know I was hungry?

You just told me.

No, I didn't.

But I did think it.

Fester, old man, you're a mind reader!

Wow!

Why don't you ring Lurch while I get this tanker car in place?

And I'll let you know when to detonate.

[ RADIO VOICE ] 'Do it now.'

Okay?

[ HITS DETONATOR BUTTON ]

[ GIANT EXPLOSION! ]

[ GOMEZ all CHARRED ]

Remember.

I'm psychic.

[ RADIO VOICE ] 'Do it now.'

'Tell him, Mary!'

'What wonderful news!'

'I'm sure John will be as happy as I am.'

[ FEMALE RADIO VOICE ] 'I will as soon as he gets home. I can't wait to see the smile on his face!'

I just love soap operas. [ MAMA, CRYING ]

They're so filled with anguish and despair... !

The Old and Repulseless will return after another word, from Stuffy Smorgasbore.

'I'm hungrier than I've ever been.'

'That's why I like to eat... Stuffy Smorgasbore.'

[ GOMEZ, TOSSING ball in AIR ]

Game point, Gomez.

And the crowd is hushed in anticipation of Addams serving Addams.

[ TOSSES BALL at WALL]

[ MORTICIA bounces it BACK ]

[ BALL RICOCHETS... ]

[ THEY DUCK ]

[ TURN AROUND ]

[ THEY DUCK BALL AGAIN ]

[ WATCHING BALL continue to RICOCHET... ]

Magnificent return, querida!

Merci.

[ GASP ] Tish! ... That's French.

[ KISSES up and down her ARM ]

Gomez.

I hate to interrupt you while you're ravaging me,

but our match has left me a bit parched.

I'll ring for Lurch! [ PULLS ROPE LEVER ]

[ GONG CHIMES ]

Two alligator-ades, Lurch!

Lurch?

That's odd.

Ah. There he is~

[ STRAINED VOICE, carrying MANY THINGS ] You rang... ?

Can we have some alligator-ade, please?

Oh, since you're heading that way, could you please take the anvil to the playroom?

[ GRUNTS and NODS ]

[ PICKS up GIANT ANVIL ]

Ah, Lurch!

This chair's lost its wobble.

Can you fix it for me, please?

[ GRUNTS, takes CHAIR from FESTER ]

Ah, thank you.

[ LURCH, STRUGGLING to WALK ]

And my straw is clogged.

Can you clean it?

[ FESTER CHUCKLES as he TUCKS STRAW behind LURCH's EAR ]

... !

[ LURCH, TEETERING under all WEIGHT of COMBINED ITEMS he's CARRYING ]

[ TEETERS ONE WAY... FAMILY LOOKS ALARMED ]

[ TEETERS THE OTHER WAY ]

[ SPINS ]

[ TEETERS and CRASHES to GROUND ]

Gomez, you don't think we're overworking Lurch, do you?

Nonsense, querida!

If that were true, don't you think he'd say something?

Well,

he is unconscious.

Perhaps we should hire him an assistant.

Or build one... !

[ OPENS up MAGAZINE ]

'Mail Order Robot, Butler of the Future.'

Capital idea, Fester.

... What does that fine print say?

'Some assembly required.'

A storm is rising... !

We've no time to lose!

Fester!

Fester!

Full power!

Fester!

Crazy, eh? We'll show them who's crazy~!

Festerrrrrrr... !

Yes, Doctor Gomez!

The leg bone's connected to the... !

... the hip bone!

The hip bone's connected to the... !

... the intestine!

The intestine's connected to the... !

The intestine's connected to the... !

I know, I know!

It's the [...], I just can't find it!

Sorry.

[ YANKS out GIANT HEAD ]

Come, my son.

Well, Fester.

Looks like we have a dart with Destiny!

[ THEY BOTH CACKLE MADLY ]

Fester!

It's not working! More power!

Yes, Doctor Gomez!

[ RUBBING PADDLES TOGETHER ]

More power!

More power!

Eeeeyah! [ SHOCKS SUBJECT on TABLE ]

Again, Fester... !

Eeeyah! [ SHOCKS them AGAIN ]

[ ROBOT HEAD TWITCHES ]

It's alive... !

It's alive!

It's alive!

It's alive!

It's alive!

It's alive... !

Morticia, Mama,

I'd like you to meet... Simon. [ PULLS COVER off ROBOT ]

[ ROBOT BUTLER STANDS UP ]

[ MORTICIA GASPS ]

Oh, my.

The Synthetic Intelligence Menial Operative.

Gomez, wouldn't that be "Simo"?

Oh, I added the N.

For "nitroglycerin"!

Simon, would you please demonstrate?

[ ROBOT takes out VIAL of NITROGLYCERIN ]

[ THROWS VIAL in CORNER ]

[ EXPLOSION! ]

Woo!

Well, that'll really speed up the housekeeping.

He's amazing.

Thank you. [ ROBOT BOWS HEAD ]

Morticia.

This calls for a celebration!

You know what would be really nice, now?

Some scalding...

Hot apple spider? [ ROBOT returns HOLDING TRAY of DRINKS ]

He's good.

He's very good.

Why, with Simon around, Lurch won't have anything to do at all!

He sure is something.

Do you think he can play the piano?

[ LURCH, at DOOR, looking SAD and feeling REPLACED ]

[ UPSET LURCH, LIP QUIVERING ]

[ FAMILY gathered around SIMON in EXCITEMENT ]

[ LURCH GRUNTS SADLY, WALKS AWAY ]

Ah, Lurch!

There you are.

We'd like you to meet Simon.

[ GRUNTS ANGRILY ]

What's the matter, Lurch?

Where are you going?

Job interview.

You didn't think Simon was going to replace you?!

We could never replace you.

You're one of the family.

Besides, most of your parts are obsolete.

Simon was built to be your assistant.

And with an assistant comes a new title.

How does Head Butler sound?

Hmm?

Head Butler?

[ NODS ]

[ TO SIMON ] Follow me.

As you wish, sir.

[ ROBOT TURNS and FOLLOWS LURCH ]

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Why do you need to be measuring the doorway anyway, Morticia?

I'm expecting something.

[ FEMALE RADIO VOICE ] 'I need a nursery for the baby.'

[ FESTER drops MEASURING TAPE in SURPRISE ]

[ MORTICIA lowers BINOCULARS in DISAPPOINTMENT ]

Fester, this is no time for games.

What exactly are you expecting?

It's a surprise.

But please don't say anything.

I want to tell everyone, myself.

[ LIFTS up BINOCULARS ]

[ FESTER gets back on STOOL ]

[ FREQUENCY NOISE! ]

'I think it may be twins!'

[ FESTER, SHOCKED, TRIPS and FALLS to FLOOR ]

Fester...

Fester?

Fester?

... Agh. [ GESTURES to MOUTH ]

Ah.

[ MORTICIA pulls MEASURING TAPE from his MOUTH ]

[ TAPE SNAPS as it RETRACTS ]

Hm. [ MAKES note in NOTEBOOK ]

Eh...! Ah... ! [ STILL GESTURING from FLOOR ]

Lurch,

I just finished sharpening my seating spikes.

And I need to try them out before I call for Pugsley.

[ LURCH, in GOLFING CLOTHES, PULLS ROPE GONG LEVER ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

[ ROBOT SIMON ENTERS ]

You rang... Sir?

Help Wednesday.

Lie down.

[ LOOKS at BODY OUTLINE on FLOOR ]

What is the purpose of your request?

Simon, we'll get along just fine if you do as I say, and don't ask questions.

As you wish, Miss Wednesday.

I will be... silent.

Well, a scream would be acceptable.

[ SIMON LIES DOWN within TAPE OUTLINE ]

[ WEDNESDAY PUSHES LEVER ]

[ SPIKEY CHANDELIER DROPS... ! ]

[ SIMON USES FORCE FIELD to STOP IT from DROPPING on HIM ]

I can see we're not going to get along.

Nice try.

[ GIVES THUMBS UP ]

Wednesday.

[ GOMEZ FENCING RAPIDLY ]

[ LEAPS over STAIRCASE RAILING into LIVING ROOM ]

[ STILL WAVING SWORD AROUND... ]

[ SIMULTANEOUSLY PULLS GONG ROPE LEVER ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

[ LURCH walks in, wearing a ROBE and SMOKING a PIPE ]

[ FENCING NOISES ]

You rang?

Ahhh, Lurch!

I need you to help me prepare for my next duel with Mrs Addams.

[ NODS ]

[ REACHES over to PULL ROPE ]

[ GONG RINGS ]

[ SIMON ENTERS ROOM ]

You rang, sir?

Fence. [ GESTURES towards GOMEZ ]

[ SIMON pulls out WEAPON ]

[ WAVES IT AROUND ]

[ LIGHT EMERGES from SWORD HANDLE, like a LIGHTSABER ]

Now, take it easy inside 'cause I know it's your first match!

Welcome to the Dark Side!

[ WAVING WEAPONS AROUND ]

[ FESTER ENTERS ROOM

Gomez! Gomez!

I just read Morticia's mind.

She's gonna have a baby.

[ GOMEZ FREEZES in SHOCK, SIMON disarms HIM ]

[ BABY MOBILE MUSIC PLAYS... ] ♪

A baby what?

A baby baby.

[ SOUND OF BABY CRYING ]

But you got to keep it a secret!

She doesn't want anybody to know.

[ SIMON WAVES LIGHTSABER AROUND, STRIKES GOMEZ's SHOULDER ]

[ GOMEZ GRABS HIS WEAPON ]

What do you say we call it a draw?

As you wish, sir.

[ SIMON NODS, BOWS and LEAVES ]

[ GOMEZ moves MORTICIA's FEET onto COUCH ]

Is there anything you'd like to announce before we start our, uh...

family meeting, querida? [ FLUFFS her PILLOW ]

Gomez,

you're acting very peculiar today.

What are you talking about?

Pickle? [ HOLDS up a PICKLE ]

No.

[ THROWS PICKLE over his SHOULDER ]

Thank you.

I thought we were here to discuss Simon.

I miss Lurch.

He does things Simon can't.

Like feel pain.

Still, Lurch must think that we're happy with Simon.

He's finally getting a little relaxation.

Yes!

We all know how important it is to relax. [ ADJUSTING MORTICIA on COUCH, to her ANNOYANCE ]

Are you comfortable, querida? [ PRESSES his EAR to her BELLY ]

Gomez, I'm up here.

[ SWITCHES SIDES to OTHER EAR ]

Of course you are.

Where was I?

Ohhh, yes.

I admit, after seeing Simon in action, I'm beginning to regret that...

[ MORTICIA GESTURES to BEHIND HIM ]

[ GOMEZ TILTS HEAD in CONFUSION ]

[ MORTICIA, STILL POINTING ]

[ GOMEZ TURNS... to see LURCH, DRESSED for FISHING ]

... that we didn't build that remarkable robot, sooner!

Huh?

Lurch, we were just talking about how well you trained Simon.

[ LURCH FROWNS ]

He's wonderful... !

I don't know how we got along without him.

He's so efficient.

It's like we don't even need you, anymore! [ BOUNCES head AROUND ]

Huh.

[ FAMILY pretending to NOT NEED LURCH, WEDNESDAY holding a book that says 'LICE' ]

... ? [ GRUNTS ]

[ LURCH TURNS AROUND ]

Don't need me...

[ IDEA FORMING... ! ]

Must destroy Simon...

[ LURCH drops an ITEM down the WELL ]

[ LURCH pulls GONG ROPE lever ]

[ GONG SOUNDS... SIMON the ROBOT comes OUTSIDE ]

You rang?

... Sir?

Wine, cigar... [ LURCH GESTURES ]

As you wish, Sir.

[ PULLS DIFFERENT ROPE LEVER ]

[ GIANT ANVIL KNOCKS SIMON DOWN the WELL ]

Oh my.

[ LURCH SMILES ]

[ SPLASH! ]

[ FESTER, on the PHONE ] No, I didn't order sixty gallons of nitroglycerin.

I ordered six hundred gallons of nitroglycerin.

I ordered sixty gallons of hydrochloric acid~!

Thank you.

[ HANGS UP the PHONE ]

We got Pugsley's old baby cage out of the attic! [ GOMEZ ENTERS with BOX of STUFF ]

[ HANDS BOX of BABY STUFF to FESTER ]

We're gonna need help puttin' this together.

[ PULLS GONG ROPE LEVER ]

[ GONG SOUNDS ]

[ LURCH DUCKS into ROOM under BOOKSHELF ]

You rang?

Lurch, old man!

Can you get Simon to help us put this together?

Simon is not --

You rang?

[ THEY LOOK UP, to see SIMON covered in DETRITUS ]

Sir?

[ HOLDING UP CIGAR ]

[ LURCH LOOKS FED UP ]

[ GROWLS ]

[ LURCH OPENS DOORS ]

[ HOLDING A BROOM in ONE HAND, and a VASE in the OTHER ]

[ SMASHES VASE on FLOOR ]

[ SIMON ENTERS ]

I heard something break, sir.

Accident.

Sweep up.

[ TAKES BROOM ]

[ SWEEPS UP MESS ]

[ LURCH LEANS BACK, NODS at THING ]

[ THING PULLS LEVER ]

[ SPLASH! as SIMON drops into SMOKING CAULDRON ]

[ LURCH, CHECKING his HANDIWORK... ]

[ LURCH NODS at THING ]

[ THING gives LURCH a THUMBS UP ]

[ LURCH DUSTS off his HANDS ]

[ SHUTS DOORS ]

[ DELIVERY MAN WALKING ]

[ PRESSES DOORBELL, SOUND OF LITTLE GIRL SCREAMING! as the ALARM ]

Special delivery for Morticia Addams?

[ DOOR CREAKS OPEN ]

Oh, good.

I've been expecting this. [ GATE OPENS ]

Please bring this around back to the cemetery. [ GIANT CRATE on GROUND ]

I want to surprise my family.

Oh, sorry ma'am.

Can't move it past the front door without a work order.

Union rules.

Ooh, that's alright.

Lurch, will you have Simon take this crate around back?

I'll get it.

[ WALKS towards BACK of CRATE ]

[ TRIES to LIFT IT ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ TRIES AGAIN ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ BACKS UP ]

That's alright, sir. [ SIMON suddenly APPEARS ]

I've, got it.

[ LIFTS up CRATE with one ROBOT HAND ]

[ WALKS PACKAGE TOWARDS HOUSE ]

Thank you, Simon. [ MORTICIA, signing CLIPBOARD ]

[ LURCH GROWLS, UPSET ]

[ MORTICIA PAINTING, as a RECORD PLAYS... ]

Querida! [ GOMEZ enters ROOM ]

What are you doing?

I call it "Still Life, with Coffin." [ PAINTING of FRUIT in a COFFIN ]

Those paints could be toxic.

I certainly hope so.

I've been breathing them for hours.

[ DABS some PAINT onto FINGERS, TASTES IT ]

[ SMILES SERENELY ]

[ GOMEZ turns AROUND, BASHFUL ] Tish...

Gomez... ?

You've been acting strangely, lately.

I must confess.

I know all about your little surprise.

And I couldn't be more thrilled!

I don't know what you're talking about.

The little bundle of terror?

This is the happy delivery.

The baby... !

[ MORTICIA LOOKS CONFUSED ] ... ?

I bought him!

Or her~

Or it?

A, a present!

[ SHAKES SKULL-HEAD RATTLE ]

... Baby??

Why ever did you get such a foolish idea?

Fester...

[ FESTER holding up BOOK: 'ROSEMARY's BABY NAMES' ]

Anthrax...

Boobala...

Charles.

"Charles"?

Addams...

Who would ever name their kid that?

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ rush IN ]

Fester. [ SCOLDINGLY ]

[ FESTER quickly HIDES book of BABY NAMES ]

Did you tell Gomez I was having a baby?

Oh, ehh. It might've slipped out...

[ GIGGLES NERVOUSLY, TURNING HEAD AWAY ]

This radio is working again. [ GRANDMAMA ENTERS ]

I'll take a crack at it.

[ FESTER walks OVER to her with RADIO ]

[ KARATE-CHOPS the RADIO ]

[ ELECTRICITY then FEEDBACK then STATIC... ]

[ LADY on the RADIO ] 'John! ... I'm going to have your baby!'

'John...'

'You don't look so good.'

Hey... [ LOWERS ARM ]

Those are the voices that I've been hearing in my head!

At least some of them.

Fester, old man!

You're not a mind reader.

You're a human antenna!

Wow.

Let's see what else is on.

[ RAISES his ARM up ]

[ MUSIC PLAYS, a WOMAN SQUEALS... ] ♪

[ GRANNY STARTS DANCING ]

[ FESTER SWITCHES ARMS ]

[ FESTER and GRANNY WALK OFF, dancing to RADIO ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ look LOVINGLY at EACH OTHER ]

Gomez.

Were you really happy when you thought I was having a baby?

Of course, querida.

I was really looking forward to hearing the pitter-patter of little claws around the house again.

[ EXPLOSION! in BACKGROUND ]

Wednesday... !!

But then, what's the likelihood of us being blessed with another child

as perfect as the two little devils we already have.

[ LURCH, descends stairs from LEFT ] [SIMON the ROBOT descends stairs from RIGHT ]

[ BOTH meet at MIDDLE LANDING ]

[ CONTINUE WALKING DOWN STAIRS, SIDE BY SIDE ]

[ LURCH MAKES ANNOYED FACES AT SIMON ]

Lurch, Simon! [ GOMEZ and MORTICIA appear BEHIND them ]

Where are you going?

[ LURCH TURNS AROUND ]

Away.

You prefer Simon...

[ COUPLE look at each other CONCERNEDLY ]

No, we don't.

He's just hired help.

Actually, he's the assembled help.

No offense.

None taken.

If you will permit me, sir,

I believe I can resolve this dilemma. [ HANDS GOMEZ a FOLDED LETTER ]

[ GOMEZ OPENS LETTER ]

[ IN DISBELIEF ] You're resigning?

I've received a better employment opportunity.

[ FOGHORN DOOR BELL RINGS ]

[ LURCH walks up STAIRS with his LUGGAGE ]

[ OPENS DOORS ]

[ MAILMAN APPEARS ]

Well, come on, buddy. We got work to do.

I've been on my feet all day.

Coming, Dave.

[ TURNS to GOMEZ ] I couldn't turn it down.

[ CUPS SIDE of FACE ] It's... Union.

Good night! [ TURNS to LEAVE ]

[ LURCH CLOSES DOORS ]

Well, Lurch, it won't be easy without Simon around here anymore.

There will be long hours, and the work will be tedious and back-breaking.

But at least the chores will be unpleasant~

Are you up for it, old man?

[ GRUNTS in CONTENTMENT ]

[ RUSHES PAST THEM ]

... ?

[ CLOSES DOORS ]

[ OPENS THEM, now EQUIPPED with HOUSEHOLD CLEANING tools ]

[ LURCH PUTS SUNGLASSES ON ]

[ BEGINS to DUST and CLEAN RAPIDLY, as GOMEZ and MORTICIA watch ]

I'll take that as a "yes".

Tish, I can't take the suspense!

Aren't you going to unveil it?

Very well.

[ WALKS over to COVERED surprise ]

[ PULLS off CURTAIN to reveal... ]

[ MORTICIA PRESENTS TOMB like a GAMESHOW MODEL ]

[ FAMILY in AMAZEMENT, GOMEZ HOLDING HANDS up in SHOCK ]

The Steel Lady 3000...

I thought the house could use a new Iron Maiden. [ WALKS back to FAMILY ]

She's magnificent!

Would you like to give it a try, Gomez?

[ CLENCHING fists in EXCITEMENT ]

Ladies, first! [ GESTURES for HER ]

[ MORTICIA MAKES 'OH'-FLATTERED FACE ]

[ IRON MAIDEN door OPENS... FESTER APPEARS ]

[ IRON MAIDEN door CLOSES ]

Sorry, Morticia.

I just couldn't wait.

Well, Fester!?

How does she compare to the old Maiden?

There's only one way to find out... !

Lurch!

[ LURCH walks over to FESTER, hands him a CUP steaming with SMOKE ]

Thank you, Lurch.

[ FESTER blows over CUP, trying to COOL IT DOWN ]

[ LURCH walks back over to rest of FAMILY, GRANNY holding 'LICE' sign ]

[ FESTER DRINKS CUP of MYSTERIOUS SMOKE ]

[ WATER STARTS LEAKING out of HOLES from FESTER's BODY ]

Much better... !

[ DRINKS UP MORE ]

[ FAMILY LOOKS PLEASED ]

Awooooo... !