Original subtitles

[ RAT SQUEAKING ]

[ OWL HOOTING ]

[ PLAQUE on GATE READS: 'BEWARE OF EVERYTHING' ]

[ MAILMAN APPEARS, HOLDING LETTER in HAND... ]

[ WILDCAT GROWLS ]

[ GATE OPENS BY ITSELF... ]

[ WOLF HOWLS ]

[ MAILMAN WHISTLING... ]

[ DROPS LETTER, CHASES after IT ]

What's this?

[ SLOWLY LOOKS UP... ]

[ GIANT BEARDED MAN STARTLES, THEY BOTH SCREAM ]

Who... [ CLUTCHES MAILBAG in FRONT OF HIM ]

Who are you?

... Maxwell Briggs.

"Briggs"?

Maxwell Briggs disappeared on this route 30 years ago.

That's incredible.

30 years?

That means I'm retired!

Whoopee!

[ STUMBLING, MAILMAN STEADIES HIM ]

As soon as I deliver this mail...

What happened to you?

I was walking my route,

and I came to this house. [ VINE SUDDENLY GRABS MAILMAN ]

[ VINES WRAP around MAILMAN ]

I heard a message in the bushes,

and I went to investigate.

[ MAILMAN YANKED INTO BUSHES ]

I was standing right about where you were now... ?

Ohhh wait... where are you...

[ TURNS and BUMPS into LURCH ]

Do the Addamses still live here?

[ NODS, GRUNTING ]

Here's your mail.

[ HANDS MAILBAG to LURCH ]

Some of the bills might be a little overdue...

[ LURCH NODS ]

[ TURNS TO ENTER HOUSE ]

[ OLD MAN FAINTS ]

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

Old mail.

[ HANDS PACKAGES to MORTICIA ]

Thank you, Lurch.

Oh, my.

The postdate on these packages is over 30 years old... !

[ GOMEZ SHOOTS BALL at HER ]

Ahhhh.

How wonderfully inefficient!

Ahh. Here's a package for you, Gomez.

Oooh.

Here's one for you, Fester.

[ HANDS HIM PACKAGE ]

Wow!

My flying-hanging remote control model plane kit!

Boy, I sure had to save a lot of gunpowder box tops for this.

I remember.

You blew our room up twenty times over, just to save enough!

Gomez, what did you get?

Oh, wow, it's my lost shipment of Super Duper Balls.

Come on, Fester, let's go see if they still have their bounce!

[ THEY RUSH INTO HALLWAY ]

How many d'you get!?

[ FUMBLES BOX ]

[ BALLS CLATTER ]

[ BALLS BOUNCE and RICHOCHET EVERYWHERE... ]

One... [ COUNTS as BALLS hit his FOREHEAD ]

Two...

Three...

[ GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY ]

Must... go! [ FAINTS ]

[ CRASHES to FLOOR ]

Cool!

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ, sitting at CHESS TABLE ]

Ready, set, go!

[ HITS TIMER ]

[ MOVES CHESS PIECE, HITS TIMER ]

[ RAPIDLY PLAYING CHESS ]

Checkmate. [ HITS TIMER for FINAL TIME ]

12 seconds!

[ WEDNESDAY WALKS IN ]

It's taking you longer to beat me, everyday.

Hello, Wednesday. How was school, today?

Any notes from the teacher you want to forge our signatures on?

No, just a new assignment.

I'm supposed to write an essay on an influential family member.

Say no more! What would you like to ask me?

What do you know about Great Aunt Esther?

[ GOMEZ's FACE SOURS ]

The first witch in the family.

Wonderful choice...

I think we have some of her old belongings up in the attic.

That will help me prepare.

Granny is conducting a séance tonight,

so I can interview her personally.

[ WEDNESDAY WALKS AWAY ]

Another game?

... Mon cher?

Tish! ... That's French.

[ PUSHES ASIDE CHESS PIECES ]

[ BRUSHES NOSE against MORTICIA's ]

[ EXECUTIONER ALARM RINGS... ]

Gomez, I've been thinking. [ WALKING DOWN STAIRS ]

Remember when Mama tried to raise the spirit of Aunt Hill?

We were infested for months.

At least they were fire-breathing aunts.

When she fails to bring back Aunt Esther,

as she inevitably will,

the poor dear will be heartbroken!

Wednesday's a stalwart child.

I wasn't talking about Wednesday.

Oh. I see your point.

We must find some way to ensure that Mama's séance is a success.

You mean hire an expert Medium?

[ MORTICIA GASPS ] Oh -- !

Or maybe even a Large?

I know.

We'll fake it.

Even better!

It doesn't look anything like it shows in the box. [ HOLDS UP BOX that says 'FLYING HYENA' ]

[ FESTER retracts WELDING MASK, holding MODEL PLANE ]

I can't believe I saved all those box tops for this.

[ THROWS IT AWAY ]

I should have gotten that home chemistry set.

Nothing says "Fun!" like mustard gas.

This is so lame.

Ohhh, maybe if I make a few modifications?

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA enter DUNGEON ]

Fester.

Mama is planning on calling on the spirit of Great Aunt Esther, tonight.

Oh, I hope she calls collect.

Great Aunt Esther was the cheapest witch in Salem.

We were hoping you would help us contrive a fake séance?

Of course it is devious, underhanded and sneaky...

Count me in.

And I've got just what you need.

[ FESTER GOES TO GET SOMETHING ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA look CONFUSEDLY at EACH OTHER ]

[ RETRIVES A 'FAKE SÉANCE' BOX, GRUNTS as he HEFTS it onto TABLE ]

My Fake Séance kit.

Raise the dead for fun and profit!

[ OPENS UP KIT ]

[ TAMBOURINE EMERGES, LEVITATING into AIR... ]

Now all we have to do is find a dress that will fit you.

Me?

I thought you were gonna be Great Aunt Esther.

I would, darling, but you already have the mustache.

[ GOMEZ and FESTER concedingly SHRUG/NOD ]

[ ADDAMS FAMILY sit AROUND TABLE with CRYSTAL BALL, GRANNY WEARING A BANDANA ]

Everyone.

Join hands.

And close your eyes.

[ THEY JOIN HANDS ]

I work, alone.

Sorry.

And close your eyes.

[ MORTICIA, PEEKING with ONE EYE OPEN ]

[ GOMEZ, doing the SAME ]

Ohh, great spirits...

We seek one of your number.

Please find Great Aunt Esther...

And wake her from her slumber~!

[ TAMBOURINE SHAKES, THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ MORTICIA WINKS, GESTURES ]

[ GOMEZ WINKS BACK, EXAGGERATEDLY ]

Esther Addams!

If you're here,

make your presence crystal clear.

[ FLASH OF SMOKE! ]

[ SOMEONE COUGHS ]

[ CONSPIRATORY GLANCE/NOD between FESTER and MORTICIA ]

Oh, cows! [ GOMEZ, in COSTUME, WAVING SMOKE AWAY ]

Great Aunt Esther Addams from the Great Beyond!

Wuh -- ahh! [ FALLS OVER ]

[ CRASHES into PLUMES of SMOKE ]

Thing.

What's going on here?

[ THING 'SHRUGS', FLEES off TABLE ]

So.

[ TO FESTER ] You thought I couldn't pull it off?

We just thought you might need a little help.

It would have worked,

if Gomez hadn't broken the circle.

[ MYSTERIOUS VOICE ] Actually, it did work.

[ FAMILY SPINS AROUND ]

[ CACKLING ]

[ GOMEZ, looking CONFUSED ]

[ JESTER's BODY APPEARS ]

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ] ♪

Oh... brother.

Who's that?

Mama's brother.

[ MAMA's BROTHER CACKLES ]

[ MORE CACKLING, POINTING ]

[ MAD CACKLING ]

[ GOMEZ, FESTER, and MAMA's BROTHER LAUGHING on COUCH together ]

But then!

But then there was that time Amelia Earhart asked me for directions... !

[ RAUCOUS LAUGHTER ]

[ HUSHED, to MORTICIA ] I don't know why he still gets laughs,

with the same, old material!

[ TRIO of MEN still LAUGHING ]

Oh, Uncle Jester, you were always the King of Practical Jokes!

H-h-he did 'em all!

Blackouts,

stock market crashes,

that whole Titanic-iceberg thing... ! [ SHRUGS in LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY ]

But my favorite one has to still be...

The finger!

The finger!

[ LAUGHING ]

You've got to show that one to Morticia!

[ MORTICIA, WIDE-EYED ]

Go ahead, my dear. [ JESTER sticks out INDEX FINGER at her ]

Pull my finger.

That's alright. [ POLITELY, ARMS CROSSED ]

Let Fester do it.

Ladies, first! [ FESTER gestures to MORTICIA ]

[ JESTER stands up and EXTENDS FINGER again ]

[ MORTICIA, RELUCTANTLY PULLS IT ]

[ JESTER's HEAD inflates like a BALLOON... ]

[ POP! ]

[ BROTHERS CACKLE WILDLY, CONFETTI GOES EVERYWHERE ]

[ MORTICIA and GRANNY look UNIMPRESSED ]

[ JESTER's head REGROWS ]

It's great to have a ghost around the house!

It's a claaaaaassic!

[ CACKLES ]

[ WEDNESDAY writing at DESK ]

Wednesday.

I found something that might help you with your report.

Aunt Esther's old diary. [ MORTICIA hands her an old BOOK ]

Too bad.

I was looking forward to making it all up.

[ READING from DIARY ] 'Monday, June 2nd, 1692.'

'They have discovered I'm a witch, and plan to prove it by tossing me into the lake.'

That's odd.

I thought Aunt Esther was burned at the stake?

[ TINY SPLASH! / EXPLOSION! from BOOK ]

[ BOOK DISAPPEARS from WEDNESDAY's hands, UNCLE JESTER appears BEHIND them in DUMBWAITER ]

Sorry!

I couldn't resist.

[ GIGGLES ]

It's a classic~!

[ CACKLES, CLOSES DOORS on HIMSELF ]

[ WEDNESDAY and MORTICIA SIGH and FROWN at EACH OTHER ]

There!

That's the last Sidewinder missile, Pugsley.

That ought to do it.

Let's see how she flies, Uncle Fester. [ PULLS out REMOTE ANTENNA ]

[ HITS BUTTON ]

[ MINI PLANE TAKES OFF ]

[ PLANE FLYING, AVOIDING OBSTACLES... ]

How do you expect it to crash, Pugsley,

if you keep swerving all the time?

But I'm not!

She's not responding to the controls, Uncle Fester!

Ahhhhh... ! [ PLANE HEADS TOWARDS THEM ]

[ PLANE NARROWLY AVOIDS THEM ]

[ TURNS AROUND ]

Well, if you're not flying it, then who is?

[ UNCLE FESTER in COCKPIT, FLYING and CACKLING MADLY ]

[ PUGSLEY and FESTER DUCK ]

[ JESTER still FLYING MADLY ]

Uncle Jester... !

Gimme my plane baaaaaaaack... !

I waited thirty years for this... !

[ JESTER hits 'BOMB' button ]

[ BOOM ! ]

[ EXPLOSION! of SMOKE and RUBBLE ]

And that was worth the wait!

[ FESTER FAINTS on his FRONT ]

[ PUGSLEY FLOPS on top of HIM ]

G'night, querida!

[ FARTING SOUND ]

Gomez!

'Scuse me.

[ GETS INTO BED ]

[ FARTING SOUND from behind MORTICIA ]

[ RETRIEVES WHOOPIE CUSHION ]

I enjoy a good practical joke as much as the next person.

But I'm beginning to see why Mama got fed up with Uncle Jester.

I'll talk to her first thing in the morning about arranging an elaborate plan,

to have him sent back to the hereafter.

Thank you, darling.

Unpleasant dreams...

[ THEY LEAN IN TO KISS... ]

[ POOF! ...UNCLE JESTER suddenly APPEARS, receives MORTICIA's smooch ]

Let the bedbox bite!

[ CACKLES and RUNS OFF ] [ MORTICIA and GOMEZ look FLABBERGASTED ]

We couldn't get a nice headless horse...

[ SETTLES UNDER COVERS ]

[ SUN EMERGES, ROOSTER CALLS ]

[ JESTER, PEEKING around CORNER ]

[ MORTICIA, FAST ASLEEP in BED ]

The early ghost... catches the worm!

[ CACKLES ]

[ SNEAKING UP ON MORTICIA ]

[ GHOST BODY dissolves INTO HERS ]

[ SITS UP, OPENS EYES ]

[ IN ANNOYING VOICE ] Now it's time for some real fun... !

[ JESTER CACKLES through MORTICIA's BODY ]

[ LEAPS out of BED ]

[ JESTER, posessing MORTICIA's body, STUMBLES down the STAIRS ]

Ooh!

Geez.

How does she walk in this dress... ?

... Whoa!

[ TUMBLES DOWN STAIRS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GETS UP ]

[ GOMEZ RUSHES into ROOM ]

Ahhh, querida!

I thought I heard someone come crashing down the stairs.

[ WEIRD JESTER VOICE ] Ahh, Gomez, m'boy!

I mean...

Darling~

You're just the man I've been looking for.

Say no more. I've already spoken with Mama.

We're going to have another séance tonight, to exorcise Jester.

Actually, I've been thinking about that.

Perhaps I was a little hasty.

I mean...

Jester does have a certain...

... je ne sais quoi. [ WINKS JAUNTILY ]

[ GASPS ]

Tish! ... That's French.

[ KISSES up and down HER ARM ]

Hey, what's with the kissin', buddy!?

I mean...

[ AFFECTED, NORMAL VOICE ] Not now, dear.

I want you to go find Uncle Jester,

and invite him to stay

as long as he'd like.

Well, it makes you unhappy, querida. [ SHRUGS SHOULDERS ]

[ GOLD SHIMMER as JESTER LEAVES her BODY ]

[ MORTICIA, UNCONSCIOUS, but STANDING UPRIGHT ]

Thank you, my dear.

Now I must go accept your husband's gracious invitation,

to invite me to stay here.

Forever!

[ CACKLES MADLY ]

We're going to need everyone at the séance tonight.

I'll be there.

You know, it's funny the first four hundred times,

but if I have to pull Uncle Jester's finger one more...

[ MORTICIA, STILL STANDING UPRIGHT with EYES CLOSED ]

... Morticia?

[ SUDDENLY AWAKES ]

Oh, dear.

[ GRANNY and FESTER look at each other CONFUSEDLY ]

I had the strangest dream...

What am I doing down here?

[ GOMEZ COMES BACK IN ] Mission accomplished, querida!

What mission?

I invited Uncle Jester to stay just like you asked.

I never asked you to do that.

No one would ask you to do that.

[ CACKLING LAUGHTER from AFAR... ]

[ FAMILY LOOKS UP ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ SHARE a KNOWING LOOK ]

You...!?

Invited a ghost to stay in your home?

Now, not even the séance will get rid of him!

Thanks a lot, Gomez!

There must be someone who can help... ?

We need someone who specializes in ghost removal!

But who ya gonna call?

Ghosthunters.

[ LURCH, HOLDING UP TWO INDIVIDUALS ]

Ahh!

A pair of parapsychologists.

Thank you for coming over so quickly.

I'm Gomez Addams.

This is my fascinating brother, Fester.

My lovely wife, Morticia.

Well, I'm. I'm Lloyd Barker.

This is my wife, Julie.

[ JULIE lightly SMACKS his ARM ]

... Who is also very lovely.

I see you have a lot of experience with this sort of thing.

Well, we have been on Oprah.

Oh! Be careful with that. That's my plasma gun.

Oooh. [FESTER holding GUN ]

What does it do?

It drops a ghost within the confines, of the energy field.

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ look RIVETTED ]

Directly.

And normally we're not so... inhospitable.

But this particular spirit can be rather annoying.

Don't worry about a thing.

Your ghost is toast.

Your ghost is toast.

Ohhh~ Perfect place for a hunting.

We try to make it homely.

Well,

this is where he likes to hang out.

Great.

So,

what usually turns the aberration, or is there a

regular... time, or... pattern?

Well, he's not very punctual,

but he never misses X-Files.

And there are certain things he simply can't resist!

Here, hold this. [ HANDS him BOWL of WHITE CREAM ]

[ QUICKLY RUNS AWAY ]

[ HIDES BEHIND MORTICIA, CLUTCHING HER ]

[ HANDS HOLDING PIE PLATE, QUIVERING... ]

[ SMOOSHES PIE PLATE in his own FACE ]

Julie!

What?

Did you see that?

An outside force pushed that pie right into my face!

Did you get it on tape?

You know that's a wizened, old trick!

It wasn't me this time.

[ WHISPERS ] I swear.

He's right.

I did it!

[ UNCLE JESTER appears CACKLING ]

Lloyd?

Julie?

I'd like to have you meet old Uncle Jester,

our ghost.

[ DOES A FANCY BOW ]

Oh, that's no ghost.

That's just some guy in a goofy costume.

What is this? Some kind of a joke?

Well, I should think that was obvious.

I couldn't resist the ol' "Pie in the Face"!

It's a classic!

[ CACKLES ]

Mr and Mrs Addams, we didn't come here to waste our time.

We have better things to do than be the butt of your pranks.

[ SCOFFS ]

We're the creative consultants on the new Casper movie.

Please, don't go.

Stay a while, and, uh... look around.

[ TURNS HEAD to the SIDE ]

[ HEAD SPINS like a TWISTER, OVER and OVER and OVER... ]

Boo!

[ LLOYD and JULIE SCREAM ]

[ RUN AWAY ]

[ JESTER CACKLING and POINTING ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA, looking UNIMPRESSED ]

You'd think they'd never seen a ghost before!

[ SHAKES HEAD ]

[ MODEL TRAIN CHUGGING ALONG... ]

You're right, Gomez. This is relaxing.

There's nothing like a good explosion to help clear the mind!

Say nothing of their own.

[ HITS DETONATOR ]

[ SILLY STRING shot out of BUTTON at GOMEZ's FACE ]

[ TISH LOOKS UNIMPRESSED ]

Darn that Jester!

I can see it isn't going to be easy getting used to having a ghost around the house.

Maybe we won't have to.

I...

[ BRANDISHES WEAPON ]

... have a plan.

Oo-ooh.

[ GROUP HUDDLE, WHISPERING amongst THEMSELVES ]

Ahhhh, querida!

There's nothing like a quiet, moonlit stroll...

Yes.

I do hope Uncle Jester doesn't bother us.

[ AFFECTED GASP ]

Look, Gomez!

Your shoes are untied!

How unfortunate it would be, if someone were to tie them together... ?

[ THEY WAIT a BEAT... ]

[ THEY FROWN in DISAPPOINTMENT ]

Tish,

is that a rubber chicken? [ POINTS at RUBBER CHICKEN on GRAVESTONE ]

Yes!

[ THEY WAIT A BEAT... ]

[ DISAPPOINTED AGAIN ]

Gomez, look!

A seltzer bomb... ! [ KNOWING LOOK ]

[ GOMEZ NODS, UNSURPRISED ]

[ SHOCKED LOOK on FACES, as BOTTLE starts LEVITATING... ! ]

[ MORTICIA LOOKS AMUSED ]

[ SELTZER SPRAYED into GOMEZ's FACE ]

[ MORTICIA looks SHOCKED ]

[ JESTER SPRAYING GOMEZ ]

Sorry, my boy, I couldn't resist!

[ CACKLES ]

I know, I know.

[ IMITATES JESTER's VOICE ] "It's a classic~!"

So's the trap.

What trap?

[ FESTER APPEARS, with SPRAY NOZZLE ]

This trap!

[ LASER BEAM forms COCCOON around JESTER ] Wh' y'r wh -- !?

Don't even try.

It's an impenetrable force field. [ PATS LASER GUN FONDLY ]

We're not letting you out until you promise to go haunt someone else, and never return.

Isn't that a bit drastic?

Couldn't he at least come back for the holidays?

[ JESTER makes PRAYER HANDS gesture ]

Well, alright.

For April Fool's Day.

Really?

No!

April Fool's! [ SMILES ]

Ha!

[ VOICE WARPED inside BUBBLE ] You hang onto her, Gomez! She's some lady.

That's no lady!

That's my wife.

... ?

Thanks for bringing me back, sis.

It was an accident.

[ SHRUG ]

[ GRANNY LAUGHS ]

[ THEY BOTH LAUGH and HUG ]

Wednesday, I'm sorry for ruining your research seance.

That's alright.

I decided to pick Father as my most influential relative.

He's not a witch,

[ GOMEZ places ARM on her SHOULDER ]

but at least my report will be short.

Wednesday, I'm touched!

... ?

Let me start at the beginning.

I was born in a cold... [ TRAILS OFF... ]

I want you to have this.

[ PRETENDS to VOMIT into his HAND ]

Wow, Uncle Jester, your plastic vomit!

Thanks.

I'll treasure it always.

Well!

I'm off.

Places to haunt. People to scare!

[ WAVES and TURNS to LEAVE ]

[ HOPS up STAIRCASE ]

[ TURNS and WAVES, FAMILY waves BACK ]

See you in the afterlife.

[ LURCH GRUNTS, holding a BAG ]

[ CACKLES and DISAPPEARS into WALL ]

Oh, no!

He forgot his luggage!

[ FESTER GRUNTING as HE LUGS bag UP the STAIRS ]

I'll bring it to him... !

[ WALKS HEADFIRST into DOOR ]

Jester's a ghost.

Why would he need luggage?

[ FESTER holds up BAG to FACE ]

[ BOMB TICKING SOUND... ! ]

[ BOOM! ]

He certainly left us holding the bag.

[ FAINTS, CRASHES to FLOOR ]

It's a claaaaaaaassic... !

[ CACKLES ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA, DANCING together in GRAVEYARD ]

Gomez.

Do you think we did the right thing, sending your Uncle Jester away?

It's a big world out there, querida.

Someone has to haunt it.

[ RADIO ] 'We interrupt this broadcast with important news.'

'In what appears to be the largest practical joke ever,

Mount Rushmore was defaced last night with four enormous cream pies.'

'Now back to our program.'

... The world's biggest practical joke.

Good old Uncle Jester.

This calls for a toast!

I'll ring Lurch.

[ PULLS GONG ROPE LEVER ]

[ DRENCHED in WATER from BUCKET overhead ]

[ BUCKET smacks HEAD ]

[ LETS GO ]

[ STUMBLES towards MORTICIA, LURCH ENTERS room BEHIND THEM ]

"It's a classic!"

"It's a classic!"

Awooo... !