Original subtitles

[ CRACKS KNUCKLES ]

[ RUBS FINGERTIPS TOGETHER ]

♪ Lurch PLAYING the PIANO ♪

♪

[ THING, WAVING a CONDUCTOR's BATON ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ, WALTZING to Lurch's PLAYING ]

Ahhh, cara mia.

There's nothing more enchanting than waltzing with a beautiful woman...

I couldn't agree more.

[ FESTER, DANCING with a BLOW-UP DOLL ]

[ FESTER accidentally DANCES the DOLL into a POINTY OBJECT ]

[ POP! ]

[ DOLL DEFLATES, SPINS FESTER WILDLY into REVOLVING SECRET DOOR ]

I thought they'd never leave.

How about picking up the beat, then?

[ THING TAPS STICK SEVERAL TIMES ]

♪ Lurch PLAYS FASTER, THING CONDUCTS FASTER ♪

[ GOMEZ SPINS MORTICIA... ]

[ ... SPINS til SHE TAKES OFF into the AIR ! ]

[ FALLS FROM CEILING, FALLS into GOMEZ's ARMS ]

Ah, querida.

As a dancer,

you're quite a catch.

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ STRAINED VOICE ] Tish...

You're beginning to cut off my circulation... !

Tighter!

Darling.

Do you really think you can beat Cousin Mojo Addams' record?

It took him three days to extricate himself from the full-body tourniquet.

[ in DEEPER VOICE, that ECHOES ] ... of DOOM.

... of DOOM.

... of DOOM.

And he called himself an escape artist.

Bet I can beat all his old records

and I can do it in a fraction of the time, too!

But first I think I'll have a drink.

I'll ring for Lurch.

No, no, querida.

Allow me.

[ HOPS over to ROPE ]

[ PULLS ROPE with TEETH ]

[ GONG RINGS... ]

I forgot.

This is Lurch's day off.

Oh, no problem, querida.

I'll get it.

Can I get you anything?

[ TRIPS on BOWLING BALL]

[ HOPS over ]

... whOA!

[ FALLS out WINDOW ]

[ MORTICIA RUSHES ]

[ GASP! ]

[ PICKS up END of ROPE ]

Bravo, darling!

What did I tell you?

Child's play.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

[ GROANS ]

[ YELLS and FALLS and CRASHES to GROUND ]

[ MORTICIA throws END of ROPE after HIM ]

[ GROANS ]

Imbecile!

What kind of shipping company would lose my prized possession?

My lifeblood?

My Bögendorper*!

Please, Maestro von Hertzelbert, there's, there's no need to panic!

Panic?

*Bösendorfer (actual piano name)

Panic!?

I refuse,

to play on any other piano!

Cancel the show!

I'm going back...

... to Dusseldorf.

Maestro, please, I'll find you another Bögendorper.

Impossible!

There are only five in the whole world... !

Four, if they can't find mine.

And who knows when the others are?

I do!

According to this issue of Superior Interiors,

there's a Bösendorfer, right here in town!

[ GASP ]

At the home of the, uhh, the Addams family,

1313 Cemetery Lane.

Get me my piano...

And I'll make you...

my personal concert promoter!

You'll have it by the end of the day.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

[ LIFTS EYEBROWS ]

[ WEDNESDAY, TURNING GEARS with BLACK GLOVES on ]

[ PUGSLEY, LIMBS cuffed, GROANING in DISCOMFORT ]

Pugsley, you're not supposed to moan until I dislocate something.

[ TURNING GEARS ]

[ MOANING ]

Pugsley.

I can't help it.

My tooth hurts.

That's odd.

We haven't played "Root Canal" for weeks.

I guess I'll just have to remove it for you.

[ BRANDISHES GIGANTIC FORCEPS ]

Say "ahhh."

[ FORCEPS BREAK ]

[ SIGH of RELIEF ] Ahhh...

[ SIGHS in FRUSTRATION ]

[ USES DOOR KNOCKER ]

[ TONGUE LICKS his HAND from KNOCKER, MAN SCREAMS and BACKS AWAY ]

[ BATS SWARMING ]

[ FESTER ANSWERS DOOR ]

Oh whoa ahhh!

[ VINE encircles MAN's NECK, HE starts CHOKING ]

Ma'am, cute!

May I help you?

[ STILL CHOKING ]

Oh, don't mind him.

He's just being friendly.

Down, boy! Down!

[ RELEASES HIM ]

Get away... !

Allow me! [ CLEARS THROAT ]

Allow me to introduce myself. [ STICKS out HAND to SHAKE ]

I'm Sam Crudale,

your neighborhood door-to-door piano salesman.

Pleased to meetcha!

Fester Addams. [ STICKS out INDEX FINGER, gives a SQUEAKY "SHAKE" ]

We already have a piano.

You...

You want me to think you have a piano?

Now, if I can just have a moment of your time,

I'll show you what I mean.

He's pushy.

[ BRUSHES past FESTER, ENTERS the HOUSE ]

I like that.

[ CLOSES DOOR ]

Bögendorper

What is this? A piano or an overgrown cigar box?

[ SCOFFS ]

Do you have any idea how much...

... how little this thing is worth?

Uh. No?

Well, I'll tell you.

Nothing!

And now this?

On the other hand.

This is a state of the art keyboard no home should be without!

The Horowitz 5000.

It can synthesize the sounds of over 200 different instruments.

[ MODEL demonstrates PIANO PLAYING ]

Ow, that's a lot. But, I --

But are you going to accentuate your performance as much

as usually only heard in over-budget action movies!?

[ MOO ]

Well, that's pretty neat.

Why, it even slices and dices. [ WAGGLES EYEBROWS ]

[ CHOPPING SOUND ]

Why didn't you say so?!

How much is it?

If you have to ask.

Too much.

But I'm making room in my warehouse and I like the way you look.

So I am going to let you trade...

... that old piece of junk,

for, the Horowitz 5000!

[ FESTER looks BACK and FORTH ]

Mr. Crudale,

you've got yourself a deal.

[ HANDSHAKE ]

[ WHITE BODY, SWINGING like a PENDULUM ]

Mama, do you have any hearts?

Hmmm.... Let me see.

I have an eye, [GESTURES to ORGANS on TRAY ]

and an ear, [ GESTURES to EAR ]

and a brain.

[ WIPES GOO off BRAIN, LICKS FINGER ]

Mmm.

But no heart.

[ MORTICIA FROWNS at her CARDS ]

Ooh wooooo.. ! Oooo... ! [ BODY SWINGS from CEILING ]

Are you sure you wouldn't like some help, darling?

After all, it took Mojo four weeks,

to escape the Concrete Cocoon...

... of Doom.

[ ECHOES ] ... of DOOM.

[ ECHOES ] ... of DOOM.

That's because he was waiting for his bones to heal... ! [ SWINGING... ]

[ SWINGS, FALLS ] ... wAAAAHHHHh.

Good thing my head broke the fall...

[ FAINTS, CRASH! ]

[ LURCH enters, IN HAT and COAT ]

[ PLACES HAT on SKELETON HATSTAND ]

[ REMOVES JACKET ]

[ HANGS JACKET on SKELETON ]

[ SITS DOWN ]

[ CRACKS KNUCKLES... ]

[ RUBS FINGERTIPS TOGETHER ]

[ STARTS PLAYING... TINNY PIANO ] ♪

.... !?

[ RECORD SCRATCH NOISE ]

[ STANDS UP in HORROR ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ enter LIVING ROOM ]

[ GASP ]

Where's the Bögendorper?

[ DISTRESSED LURCH ] ... Gooooooone.

Hey, Lurch.

What do you think of thew new Horowitz 5000!?

I traded our old, worthless piano for it.

Isn't it great... !?

You're welcome~!

[ LURCH pats FESTER's BACK ]

[ SUDDENLY PICKS UP FESTER ]

[ DANGLES him from SIDE to SIDE ]

Oh, dear.

I don't believe Lurch likes the new piano.

Either that or he thinks I'd be better off as an only child!

Put me down... !

... Save me!

Lurch... ! Put me down!

[ STILL WAVING HIS BODY AROUND ]

Lurch, l said l was sorry!

How was l supposed to know you liked your old,

wood and wire piano, more than this modern musical miracle?

[ GROANS in DESPAIR, MORTICIA comforts HIM ]

Fester meant well.

[ GASPS ]

Perhaps you could find a new instrument you'll love just as much.

Capital idea!

Let's ignore the pain of your heart-wrenching loss,

by having you take up a cheap substitute! [ PUNCHES FESTER up the CHIN by accident ]

[ FESTER FAINTS, CRASH! ]

Sorry.

[ MORTICIA and LURCH share a LOOK ]

The ukulele is very popular in Hawai'i, Lurch.

Now, give it a try.

[ LURCH STRUMS UKULELE... ] ♪

[ MORTICIA dancing ALONG, in a GRASS SKIRT ]

Why, you're a natural!

♪

[ STRUMS FASTER ] ♪

[ LURCH PLAYS EVEN FASTER, MORTICIA DANCES FASTER... ! ]

[ ... UKULELE BREAKS ]

[ MORTICIA STOPS SPINNING ]

Oh... !

[ PANTS in EXERTION ]

Perhaps we should find you something a little sturdier... !

[ SIGHS ]

[ CHECKS PULSE ]

[ LURCH, WHIMPERING, clutching BROKEN instrument ]

C'mon now, Lurch.

A harmonica is just like a piano.

Okay, smaller.

It doesn't have keys...

You have to, blow on it to make it sound... but --

Give it a try!

[ GROANS in DISAGREEMENT ]

Open your mouth.

[ PLACES HARMONICA in LURCH's MOUTH ]

Now take a deep breath!

[ ... INHALES HARMONICA into MOUTH ]

And blow!

[ BLOWS/SHOOTS out HARMONICA, which RICOCHETS across the ROOM... ]

[ ... HITS BOAR HEAD STATUE ]

[ HITS SARCOPHAGUS... ]

[ HITS SHARKHEAD STATUE with HAND STICKING OUT of IT... ]

[ ... KEEPS RICOCHETTING off LIVING ROOM ]

[ LANDS in FESTER's BASEBALL MITT, STEAMING with SMOKE ]

Catchy tune!

[ LURCH GROANS ]

[ EXECUTIONER ALARM CLOCK RINGS! ]

[ STRING LEADING TO... PUGSLEY's MOUTH ]

Relax, Pugsley.

[ TIGHTENS STRING ]

This is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me.

[ WEDNESDAY hits SWITCH ]

[ TRAPDOOR OPENS BENEATH PUGSLEY, HE FALLS AND SCREAMS... ! ]

[ CRASH! ]

Wednesday... it didn't work... !

And now my head hurts, too.

Well, at least it wasn't a total waste.

[ HOLDS up END of STRING ]

[ FESTER WALKS in BUILDING with ROPE and RUSTY ANCHOR ] Am I glad to see you!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm taking my Bögendorper back!

Security?

Your boulder!

My good man, that piano belongs to Maestro von Herzlberg.

No, it doesn't.

And I can prove it.

See those burn marks there?

That's where Wednesday spilled her acid-ade,

while Lurch was trying to give her piano lessons.

And those teeth marks?

Those are little Pugsley's.

Poor child had a terrible time teething.

Personally, I think it was because Morticia was much too lax with him.

Always lettin' him out of his cage... !

Too bad!

[RECORD SCRATCH ] We made a deal.

The piano belongs to me, now.

Please go.

Oh yeah?

Who's gonna make me!?

[ SECURITY grab his ARMS ]

There's still time to make friends.

I'm still taking back my Bögendorper... ! [ FLUNG into AIR, CRASHES ! ]

[ SECURITY CLAPPING HANDS TOGETHER ]

Good work, men.

Darling, you look so dapper in Uncle Looney's dinner jacket.

Thank you, querida. [WEARING a STRAITJACKET ]

[ STRUGGLING with RESTRAINTS ] You know, I'll bet these straitjackets drive people insane... !

It's almost a shame to break myself out of it.

Maybe you won't.

After all, Mojo Addams was never able to escape...

... the Buckled Blazer.

... of DOOM.

[ ECHOES ] ... of DOOM.

[ ECHOES ] ... of DOOM.

[ LURCH steps out of the DARK, WEARING a COAT and holding a BRIEFCASE ]

Lurch, where are you going?

Away.

Why?

... miss piano. [ STARES at EMPTY SPOT where PIANO should BE ]

Lurch,

I know it's awful to lose a loved one in such a non-violent way.

But...

... running away is not the solution.

Gomez is right.

Besides, we need you.

Who will mix our drinks or answer the door or play the pi --

[ LURCH FROWNS ]

... piccolo.

Please reconsider.

What do you say, old man?

I quit.

[ TURNS to LEAVE ]

[ MORTICIA sighs SADLY ]

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ, FOLLOWING LURCH ]

Lurch, please don't go.

[ GOMEZ, STILL STRUGGLING in STRAITJACKET ] Yes, give us a moment to at least think of a deceptive ploy to get you to stay... !

[ LURCH SIGHS ]

But Lurch, you can't leave.

We'd be lost without you.

Sorry.

[ PUSHES GOMEZ ASIDE ]

Oh... !

[ DOOR OPENS ]

Fester,

did you get Lurch's piano?!

[ OPENS MOUTH... ]

Not exactly.

But!!

I do know where it is.

We wait till everyone leaves the building...

And then we blow the place to smithereens.

But won't that hurt the piano?

Oh, yeah.

Darn!

I think it's time we all paid this "Mr Crudale" a visit!

[ THEY ALL NOD ]

[ LURCH GRUNTS in AGREEMENT ]

[ MORTICIA, LURCH, and FESTER ENTER, WHEELING in GOMEZ, who is DRESSED like HANNIBAL LECTER ]

That's him.

What are you doing back here?

Mr Crudale, I'm Gomez Addams.

This is my lovely wife Morticia.

I believe you have something that belongs to our butler, Lurch.

Correction.

Did belong.

You don't understand.

We must have the Bögendorper back.

Lurch and his piano have a very special bond.

[ GROANS in AGREEMENT ]

I don't care.

Hah!

The piano belongs to me now.

Alright? The matter is closed.

Now,

I have a concert, to get back to.

When I get back, you and your traveling freak show had better be gone!

Well, I will say one thing for the man.

He certainly knows how to pay a compliment.

[ WEDNESDAY TURNS AROUND, clad in a WHITE LAB COAT and SURGICAL MASK ]

Don't worry, Pugsley. [ HOLDS UP DRILL ]

I promise this will be excruciating.

Now,

open wide.

[ WEDNESDAY walks TOWARDS him, with an ELECTRIC DRILL turned on ]

[ PUGSLEY WHIMPERING ]

[ PUGSLEY SPITS OUT TOOTH ]

[ TURNS OFF DRILL ]

[ LOWERS MASK ]

My tooth!

It fell out on its own!

Sure,

after I loosened it for you.

Gomez has about as much chance getting out of those chains,

as we have of getting our piano back.

[ LURCH GROANS in DISTRESS ]

Poor Lurch.

Why, you didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

Or play once last dirge.

You've lost your raison d'être.

[ GOMEZ GASPS! ]

"Raison d'être"!?

[ FURIOUSLY UNRAVELS SELF from CHAINS ]

[ BEELINEs to MORTICIA's SIDE]

... Tish!

[ REMOVES MASK ]

[ TAKES HER HAND ]

That's French.

[ KISSES UP and DOWN her ARM ]

Ohh, if Mojo Addams had been married to someone like you,

he wouldn't be in that trunk at the bottom of the River... !

... of DOOM.

[ PAUSES FOR ECHO... that doesn't come ]

[ SHRUGS ]

[ RESUMES ARM KISSING ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I told you people to get out!

[ FESTER picks up BUNDLE of CHAINS ]

We're not goin', anywhere.

[ LURCH NODS EMPHATICALLY ]

[ MR CRUDALE, BOUND with CHAINS ]

Immediate seating, in the balcony... !

[ PUSHES MR CRUDALE ]

[ FALLs and CRASHES! ]

Ha ha ha ha!

Lurch?

I believe there's a Bögendorper with your name on it.

[ WALKS to PIANO ]

[ SITS at BENCH ]

Play it, Lurch.

Play it again.

[ RUBS FINGERTIPS ]

[ LURCH PLAYS PIANO BEAUTIFULLY ] ♪

♪

Oh, no!

I missed my cue, again... !

♪

[ PULLS WIDE CURTAIN ROPE ]

♪

[ MAESTRO pulls out TISSUE, BLOWS NOSE ]

[ MAESTRO SOBBING ]

[ OTHERS, ALSO SOBBING ]

♪

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ SOBBING, DRYING TEARS on her DRESS ]

♪

[ APPLAUSE, FLOWERS thrown ONSTAGE ]

[ MAESTRO and CO, APPLAUDING ]

[ FESTER CRYING and APPLAUDING ]

[ AUDIENCE CHEERING ]

[ LURCH STANDS UP ]

Encore, encore! [ LURCH takes a BOW ]

Bravo!

[ APPLAUSE] Bravo!

Lurch!

You heard them!

The people demand more!

Encore!

[ GASP! ] ... Tish! That's French.

[ KISSES ARM ]

[ MORTICIA dabs eyes with DRESS ]

[ LURCH SITS at PIANO AGAIN ]

♪

[ WEDNESDAY WALKS IN, still in WHITE LAB COAT ]

[ MODEL TRAIN CHUGGING... ]

[ PUGSLEY in CONDUCTOR hat ] Woot, whooo!

Now it's time for some real fun.

But my tooth fell out already?

Remember?

Out is easy. [ HOLDS up loose TOOTH ]

The hard part, is putting it back in.

[ BLOWS FLAMETHROWER ]

[ TURNS TO FLEE ]

[ PUGSLEY SCREAMING ]

Lurch, you were a smash!

That was the most moving performance I've ever heard.

I would have to agree.

[ MAESTRO comes out to SHAKE LURCH's HAND... ]

[ GRUNTS in PAIN, from the FORCE of LURCH's handshake ]

I am Englebert von Hertzelbert.

I have been playing the piano,

all my life.

And I have never heard anything so lovely.

[ LURCH looks DOWN, BASHFULLY ]

We were fortunate enough to hear it every night.

That's right.

Till somebody snatched our Bögendorper.

I must confess.

I am jealous of your skill and talent.

A classic case of pianist envy.

I'm going to retire.

I could never make the Bögendorper,

sing the way you can.

This piano,

belongs with you.

Ooh.

Thank you.

[ LIFTS him in a BACKBREAKING hug ]

[ GRUNTS in PAIN ]

It was nice of Mr Crudale to let Fester keep the Horowitz 5000.

He must have really been moved by Lurch's performance.

He couldn't stop crying!

Are you going to take up the piano now, Fester?

You've always been tone-deaf.

I'm sure you'd make divine music.

Music?

Are you kidding?

I'm turning the Horowitz 5000 into a rapidfire missile launcher!

All I have to do,

is play 'Pop! Goes the Weasel.'

[ STARTS PLAYING 'POP! GOES THE WEASEL' ] ♪

I wonder what ever happened to Maestro von Hertzelbert's piano?

Ahh, querida, you know those airlines.

It could be anywhere.

♪

[ EXPLOSION! ]

[ MISSILE LAUNCHING... ]

[ POP! ]

Isn't that amazing?

... how that plane can still fly with that enormous hole in it?

[ BOX FALLS and CRASHES! ]

'PROPERTY OF MAESTRO VON HERTZELBERT' 'FRAGILE'

Wow!

It is true!

There's nothing like the sound of a Bögendorper!

[ KEY CLANGS ]

[ FESTER NODS ]

Awoooo... !

Ooooh!