Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

PHONE RINGS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Where is it?

Where is it?

Come on. Where is it?!

CLATTERING

CAT YELPS

Where is it?

Make me filthy rich right now!

Sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

Local radio station, if you must know.

If you answer within ten rings with the exact phrase,

"Make me filthy rich right now," you win �10,000.

I agree. It is exciting, isn't it?

But my wife disagrees.

She thinks I'm being...

A knob.

She won't be saying that when I'm sitting on ten big ones.

No, not ten big knobs.

Who is it?!

Sorry, what was your name again?

Somebody called Josh.

Wants to know how we'd feel about paying less for our gas.

Tell him I'd only spend the savings on something frivolous,

like a sniper rifle for taking out cold callers.

He's saying we could save up to...

What if that radio competition phones while you're signing up?

Sorry, Josh, you're...breaking up.

LEE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

You know your chances of winning this radio competition

are next to none? Have you heard the phrase "you've got to win it

"to be in it?"

You know what I mean. 'Course I do.

You mean like, "Ventured gained, nothing nothing."

It's only a local radio station.

So? There's fewer listeners, so more chance of winning.

Yeah, but still not enough of a chance to warrant

this obsessive behaviour.

It's not obsessive. Lee, two nights ago, we were having sex

and you stopped to answer the phone.

You have to answer within ten rings.

You had time to do both.

Both rings? Is it my birthday?

I'm, er...

I'm not obsessed.

Yes, you are, because you're obsessed with money.

What's that supposed to mean?

Lee, you love money.

No, I don't.

You're running around the house like a madman every time the phone rings.

You're answering calls rather than having sex.

And another thing, you never leave a tip.

How much were you expecting?

Well, I'd quite like an extra 20%.

I meant in a restaurant.

My point being, you're sometimes a bit tight.

You love money so much you won't even spend it.

Oh, here we go.

This is about you wanting to buy a hot tub again, isn't it?

I'll tell you what, if we win the radio competition,

we'll get a hot tub.

Oh, thanks awfully, Mr Scrooge.

And can I have a walking stick for Tiny Tim

if we get lucky on the scratchcards?

Some men would like to join their wives in a hot tub with

a glass of champagne.

What's wrong with Vimto in a paddling pool?

You are unbelievable.

Sorry, can I just clarify your problem here, Lucy?

Am I obsessed with saving money or am I obsessed with winning money?

Both. They amount to the same thing - your love of money.

And you know what they say about money?

It's the root of all evil.

I don't love money.

DOORBELL RINGS

It was the doorbell.

Can you answer it?

Well, you never know. It might be a lunatic handing out fistfuls

of money if you shout, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout."

Good afternoon.

We're in your area today handing out leaflets.

"Have you considered your path?"

We're fine, thanks. We've just had it tarmacked.

No. Your path through life, and any guidance you might want.

Guidance from who? The big man upstairs.

That might be me you spotted.

I really should close those bathroom curtains when I'm showering.

Although, thanks for the big.

We're from the local church.

Right, um, actually, I'm just in the middle of, um...

A Zoom call? Sorry?

It's what everyone says these days.

It used to be, "I'm just in the middle of a phone call,"

but excuses have to change with the times, I guess.

I bet in Jesus's time it used to be,

"I'm just in the middle of chiselling a tablet of stone."

I wasn't going to lie.

I was about to say I'm in the middle of a...theological debate.

Oh, about what?

Well, if you must know, about whether money is

the root of all evil.

Mm. Timothy 6:10.

He was tall.

It's actually one of the most misquoted passages of the Bible.

Is that right? Oh, yes.

People often make that mistake.

Money itself is not the root of all evil.

Would you like to come in? I'd love you to meet my wife.

I can't see anyone else.

Sorry about my colleague.

She's not been the same since she saw that film with Hugh Grant.

You know the one where he holds two religious women captive

and then stabs one of them with a letter opener?

I hope they changed the age rating for Paddington 2.

We'd love to come in, wouldn't we, Lauren?

OK. But if we're still here in an hour,

the church will phone the police.

If you're still here in an hour, I'll phone the police.

So, where's your wife? She'll be back in a minute.

In that film, Hugh Grant pretends his wife's in the house,

but she isn't.

I don't usually have this much trouble persuading women

I'm not Hugh Grant.

Ah, here she is!

These two lovely ladies are from the local church,

and they were just explaining to me about how it's fine to want money.

I thought I'd invite them in to tell you all about it.

I bet you did.

Husbands, what are they like?

Are you two married?

Oh, no, we just go to the same church.

Well, let me tell you, some men

will do anything to win an argument.

A fool gives full vent to his spirit,

but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Proverbs 29:11.

Do the other one.

You know, the fellow who says it's OK to want money.

Trevor, 6ft 10.

It's Timothy, and what he actually said...

Thanks so much for coming over, but we're a bit busy at the moment.

No, no. Let her speak.

It's good to learn things.

Your husband is right.

The Bible doesn't actually say MONEY is the root of all evil.

But it does say the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.

Please sit down. Oh!

We haven't got time for this.

Oh, why is that all of a sudden?

I've got a Zoom call in a minute.

He's lying.

Does that mean he's going to hell?

BOTH LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY

Does it?

My husband has spent the entire week trying to win money

on a radio competition, haven't you, Lee?

Just a bit of fun. It's all right to have fun, isn't it?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Nice. Did Jesus say that?

It was actually Charlie Chaplin.

Is that his name - Charlie?

Who?

Our chaplain.

Lauren's not been with us very long.

I thought he was called Roger.

Is she with us at all?

It's not just a bit of fun, though, is it?

Do you know what he did two nights ago when we were in bed?

She doesn't need to know all the details.

It's OK.

You'd be surprised the things people tell us.

We were making love...

All right, that is a bit much.

Yeah, Lucy, why would they want to hear about our sex life?

Well, a day without laughter is a day wasted.

She doesn't laugh when we're doing it.

Unless the lights are on.

It's the effort on his face - always gets me.

Anyway, the point is, he stopped to answer the phone.

But you have to answer within ten rings.

So, do you think your husband has a LOVE of money?

Well, he certainly doesn't like spending it.

That's not true because I spent money to enter the competition.

Wow. You spent �1 on a text message?

No, I spent �1 PER text message.

How many times did you enter?

About 100.

You spent a hundred quid on text messages?!

Plus standard network rate.

Terms and conditions apply. Check website for details.

I don't believe this.

Ha! Now who doesn't like spending money?

Oh, don't start accusing me of being the tight one.

Oh, I'd never do that.

You spend it like it's going out of fashion.

Sorry?! Well...

Someone has to buy the essential household items.

Mm. Oh, essential. Is that right?

Well, let's have a look at some of the essential items

you bought today, shall we?

Oh...

Oils.

Essential oils.

See? Essential.

I think if they have to include the word essential in the name,

it's not really essential.

I don't use essential toothpaste or essential deodorant.

I know.

There's nothing wrong with wanting nice things.

Well, there is when it's becoming an obsession.

You know when we were having sex the other night...?

Good God. Well, I would've answered that phone a lot quicker

if I hadn't have searched for it for ages

amongst all the rubbish we've got in that bedroom.

Why do we have to have 18 scatter cushions on the bed,

you lunatic?

Because I'm still trying to find the perfect size

that will fit over your face.

Possessions are bad, right? Hmm.

Do you think she's possessed?

Cos in The Exorcist...

Does all your religious education come from horror films?

No, some of it's from books.

What kind of books?

Horror books.

Here, let me show you something.

Would you like to see Lucy's "Bible"?

"The luxury hot tub collection."

Ooh, that's nice.

It's like our baptism pool, isn't it, with lovely jets.

It's huge, isn't it?

Oh, I bet you could get four big lads in there.

She's desperate to get one.

She's been banging on about it for ages.

Well, at least I don't want money for its own sake, like you do.

I want it so we can have nice things.

Yeah, and I think there's a word for that.

Materialistic.

I bet the Bible has something to say about that, right?

I'm sure Jesus liked relaxing.

Not you. The other one.

Life does not consist of an abundance of possessions.

Luke 12:15.

Amen.

Be content with what you have.

Hebrews 13:15.

It's a...it's a...

..it's a sin.

Pet Shop Boys, 1987.

The problem here is you being materialistic.

It isn't about my love of money.

PHONE RINGS

Aren't you getting that, Lee?

Could be the radio station.

Your chance to be filthy rich - right now.

That's fine. It's just money.

Of course, ten grand, that would pay for a lovely hot tub.

And I bet there'll be enough left over

for some inflatable scatter cushions.

That's nine rings by the way.

Make me filthy rich right now!

No, thank you, Josh.

Be content with what you have.

A hot tub will never give you true contentment, Lucy.

Wow, this one's got a built-in telly.

I'm right, aren't I?

It's not about taking sides.

Yes, Lee, it's not about taking sides.

If it is, I'm with her.

All right, it IS about taking sides.

Money and possessions are only a problem

when it harms our relationship with God

and, of course, with each other.

Do you know, I don't think it's a coincidence we arrived here

when we did.

I think we were sent here.

And I think you can work out by who.

Sandra.

She does the rotas.

We have a policy of not turning anyone away.

I think a higher power wants us to help you realise

it's about understanding each other, not arguing.

Be quick to listen and slow to speak.

James 1:19.

OK.

In keeping with this more understanding approach,

Lee, may I ask you respectfully,

and with love, why you think it is

you're as tight as an earwig's whoopsie?

OK, well,

maybe I am occasionally more careful with money than you.

But that's because, when I was growing up, I had nothing.

Oh, here we go.

Wake me up when we're on the "gravel for breakfast" bit.

Wasn't easy for me.

When the landlord used to come for the rent,

Dad made me hide behind the sofa.

But then the bailiffs took the sofa,

so I had to hide behind the floor lamp.

Luckily I was so malnourished, I got away with it.

Then there was Christmas.

One year I asked for an Action Man,

but all Oxfam had was a Barbie doll.

So, Mum shaved its head and drew a beard on with Biro.

Do you know what it's like

to play war games with your mates, and you're the only one

whose paratrooper has small plastic tits?

So, is there any wonder I hang on to money now?

Anyway...

I'm sure you ladies don't want to hear any more about Lee's life

in a Hovis commercial.

Well, maybe they don't.

So, what about you?

What about me?

Well, continuing this more understanding approach,

is there anything that you'd like to say about your shopping habits,

and why you're perhaps looser with money

than a hippo's whoopsie?

Ah!

Well, she started it.

OK.

So, maybe we could do without some of life's little luxuries.

Like a hot tub?

Hot tubs aren't luxuries, Lee.

Heating your body like that has proven health benefits.

Bollocks.

I don't need a hot tub for that.

I'm hot enough already.

You're certainly tubby enough.

Well, a hot tub feels a bit wrong to me,

when so many people in the world are suffering.

But, you know, your call.

Well...

..I suppose it is slightly extravagant.

So, does that mean you don't want a hot tub?

I suppose I can find somewhere else to drown you.

You know what? This is all working out rather well, isn't it?

And you didn't turn out to be a serial killer!

Yeah, but neither's Hugh Grant for the first 20 minutes.

Anyway, thanks so much for coming and sharing your thoughts.

You've really helped Lee realise

where his tight-fistedness stems from.

Well, hang on. It's not just about my...

Hopefully we'll see you in church on Sunday.

He's doing Samson this week. I love that story.

You know where he slayed a thousand men

with just the arse bone of a giraffe?

Jaw bone of an ass.

Well, we'll certainly think about it.

Well, hang on. Where are you two going?

Next door. We're on a roll.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You can't leave. I knew it.

I've got mace in here, you know.

We haven't finished. It's Lucy's turn.

My turn for what?

Well, I've explained about my childhood,

and the reasons behind me being occasionally careful with money.

But we haven't discussed the reasons

behind Lucy being more devil-may-care about it.

And your point is?

Well, it's easy to think that money's not that important

when you grew up with loads of it.

We didn't have loads of it, Lee.

We had our own family struggles as well, you know.

Oh, yeah. When was that?

When Waitrose ran out of Belgian profiteroles?

Or was it during the great bruschetta famine of 1983?

When I was ten, my family had some money worries.

And for a while, it looked like we might lose the house.

Aw.

Oh.

Well, I never knew that.

Well, now you do.

It was a very worrying time,

but we scrimped and saved,

and luckily we managed to keep it.

Hang on. Where exactly was this house?

Well, I don't see why that's important.

All right.

If you must know, it was about

15 miles outside of Avignon.

It was a holiday home?!

Oh, poor you!

Well, not POOR you, obviously. I mean,

"ever so slightly less wealthy than I thought you were" you.

OK. I admit it -

my life was comfortable.

But just because my parents had money,

it doesn't mean I got everything I wanted.

Yes, it does.

No, it means I got everything THEY wanted me to have.

Horse riding lessons, ballet classes, private tutors.

Oh, someone get me a violin.

Well, I could play it for you if you like.

They made me play the thing up to grade bloody six.

Sweary Mary!

You had a lovely, sheltered life.

You have got nothing to complain about.

Oh, I'm not complaining.

I'm not allowed to, am I?

What could a middle-class kid from a stable family possibly have

to complain about?

So, instead I said, "Thank you," did as I was told,

and remembered how lucky I was.

Well, you were, certainly in comparison to me.

Yes. But you had something I never had.

Yeah. Substandard housing,

hunger, and verrucas.

And what else did you have?

Scabies? I never had scabies.

Freedom.

That's what you had.

To make your own choices.

I wasn't sheltered, Lee.

I was trapped.

Well, at least you always knew where your next meal was coming from.

Oh, shut it, Charlie Bucket, you've had your turn!

Have you even the slightest idea what it's like to be forced to go

on a two-week skiing holiday to Chamrousse when you're 16 years old?

Do I need to phone Childline?

Sin is not ended by multiplying words.

The prudent hold their tongue.

What?

She means shut it or you're going to get lamped.

I didn't want to go on that skiing holiday.

Do you know where I wanted to be?

With all my friends who were going to Butlin's Bognor Regis having fun.

Fun while wearing their fancy new trainers,

while I had to wear brand-new, boring,

old, stuffy, sensible shoes from Clarks.

No offence.

I had no control over where I went or what I wore.

So, yes, now and again,

I do like to splash out a bit on silly things I don't really need.

And, no, I don't care about having a hot tub, but I do care

about having the freedom to be able to get one if I want.

You never told me this before.

Well, it all sounds so ungrateful.

Aww. Oh, course it's not. Come here.

If you want essential oils, just get them.

What about a hot tub?

Keep out of this.

Don't worry.

I don't want anything.

They're right.

None of these things bring you true contentment.

Actually, I might want one or two more scatter cushions.

You know what they say.

You can't have too many scatter cushions.

They're wrong, but they say it.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

I'm going to stop being so bothered about money as well, I promise.

Saving it or trying to win it.

PHONE RINGS

You're hugging me quite tightly there, Lee.

That's how much I love you.

Aren't you going to answer it?

Nope.

What if it's the radio station?

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

Is that from the Bible?

Yeah.

It's one of the big ones.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

It's probably not them anyway.

Exactly. And even if it was, it's only money.

What would we even do with it?

Probably just buy a load of rubbish we don't need.

RINGING STOPS

Is it still ringing, or is that just the blood pounding in my ears?

Are you not going to check who it was?

Nah.

I'm not interested.

Yeah.

Probably wasn't even the radio station anyway.

Yeah, probably not.

Although it did stop after exactly ten rings.

SOMEONE was counting.

Like the phone was demanding you to answer.

Like ten little commandments.

Lauren, I'm going to ask you a question

and I want you to answer me honestly.

Have you ever actually read the Bible?

Well, I started it.

You know the bit where Eve eats an apple?

You only got as far as when they get kicked out of the garden?

They get kicked out?!

Spoilers!

Double O,

triple four, triple four.

Was that them?

Uh-huh.

Triple four, triple four.

Radio Roar for music and more.

So much more.

Oh, well.

It's only money.

And you know what they say.

Can't take it with you.

Well, we certainly can't now.

But that's fine because

you know what they also say?

A fool and his money are easily parted?

Please stop her talking.

They also say...

..the love of money is the root of all evil.

Exactly.

And life does not consist of an abundance of possessions.

Do you know what?

You two may have lost out on �10,000,

but you have gained something much more valuable.

We have indeed.

Sorry, can you specify exactly what that is?

Understanding and mutual acceptance.

And you really can't put a price on that.

Although if we did, it would be �10,000.

Well, I'm not exactly sure why we were sent here,

but I feel our work is done.

Well done.

God called, and you picked up.

I wish we'd let it go to voicemail.

MUSIC: Ave Satani - Theme from The Omen

Oh, sorry, that's my phone.

Oh, my God.

You've got to be kidding me.

Make me filthy rich right now!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh! Oh, I can't believe it!

Oh, ten grand! Ten big juicy ones, and it's all mine?!

Oh, thank you, God, thank you!

Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I know I'm live on air. I won't swear.

I might.

Yeah. Hi, my name's Lauren,

and I'm here with my good friends, Olivia, and...

I've forgotten their names.

Oh, yeah, they're all thrilled to bits for me!

Oh. Oh, OK. He's going to chat to me in a minute,

after Losing My Religion by REM.

I thought you said the love of money was the root of all evil?

Well, to be fair, she said that - not me.

And it's only the root of all evil.

If it grows too much, I'll just prune it back.

Lee ignored that call because of you two.

You snooze, you lose.

You're as bad as us. Well, to be fair,

that's not quite true.

Your husband wanted to keep the money, and you wanted to buy

a hot tub, whereas Lauren can put that money to much better use.

Like what?

Like for the church.

BLEEP off.

It's mine.

Lauren! We could do a lot of good with �10,000.

What's all this "we" business? I earned it.

All you did was enter a competition.

Yeah, 250 times.

250?!

She's not as bad as us - she's worse.

That money was supposed to be ours.

Well, it would have been ours if you hadn't let the phone ring out.

I was giving you a hug.

Well, I could have waited another 30 seconds.

I wasn't THAT sad.

Well, what's done is done.

As the Bible says...

..winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Anyway...

..thank you so much for inviting us in

and not just slamming the door in our faces.

Would you like to know what Ecclesiastes 5:10 says

about this sort of thing?

DJ: That was REM and Losing My Religion!

And someone who definitely isn't losing today

is our �10,000 jackpot winner, Lauren.

Has it sunk in yet?

Oh, no, it hasn't!

Lauren. Lauren!

I can hear your friend in the background.

She must be delighted for you!

You greedy, selfish

little bitch.

Tell me, Lauren, what are you going to do with the money?

Well, actually, I got chatting to a friend earlier

and she gave me a great idea on how to spend it.

Go on.

I'm going to get myself a brand-new hot tub!

SMASH!

Well, it's only a possession.

Where's that letter opener?!

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