Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

What's wrong with you? Why aren't you sucking?

Are you only set to "gently arouse"?

Oh!

Lucy?! Are you coming down or what?

Anna and Toby will be here very soon.

Can't you feel it? The air has turned chilly

and animals are retreating to their burrows.

And keep your nose to yourself, you pervert!

Come on, Lucy! There's still loads to do.

I still haven't put the supermarket

wine in the expensive-looking bottles yet.

Oh, at last. You've been ages in that bath.

I've not even had a bath yet.

Oh, Lee, I've made a terrible mistake.

I just wanted a new look.

Very nice. But you might need to cut some eyeholes in it.

You know how yesterday I went for a hair and beauty treatment

because Anna was coming? Yeah. Well, when I got home,

did you notice anything different about me?

What, when you were swinging through the trees and stealing bananas?

I thought you hadn't noticed. Hardly surprising.

It didn't have much effect yesterday,

but it certainly has now.

Oh, Lee, it's all gone wrong!

What has? Do you promise not to be too shocked?

OK, I promise.

Oh.

Don't tell me.

Is it false eyelashes?

Look at my lips.

HIGH-PITCHED: Oh, yeah.

They're not too bad. Not too bad?!

I look like I've swallowed a baboon and only the arse is left.

The woman at the salon said it would

help get rid of tiny wrinkles around my lips.

It was supposed to be just a subtle enhancement, but then...

She tripped and fell on the lever?

I've obviously had some sort of allergic reaction.

I rang them and they said it would take a few days to go down.

Oh. Until then, no-one else can see me like this.

What about Anna and Toby?

They'll be here in two hours and they're staying the night.

Well, we have to cancel. We can't cancel them,

they've probably already set off.

Well, they'll just have to stop the car right now.

I can probably kiss them on the cheek from here.

Please, Lee.

Phone Toby and Anna and cancel them.

OK.

I'll explain what's happened. No!

We are not telling them the truth.

Anna will think I'm so pathetically desperate to impress her,

I had a cosmetic procedure.

Yeah, that's what happened.

Sorry, but you have been acting very over the top

about Anna and Toby coming.

Beauty treatments, buying a new handbag,

even though we're having a night in.

Telling Anna you've been cooking all week,

even though we're about to have the food delivered.

You don't know what it's like with me and Anna.

Her life is really perfect.

Fancy cars, expensive outfits,

successful husband.

I can hear this, you know.

We are not telling them the truth.

We have to tell them something. OK.

How about we say

my mum's been rushed to hospital? Lucy, that's awful.

You can't say that. All right. Um, I'm in hospital.

Minor car accident.

Luckily, your airbags went off in time.

Or you could be the one in hospital with my fist shoved up your arse.

And it's not even my birthday.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Oh, my God! The food's here.

It's OK, Lucy. I will take the food in.

Go upstairs, have your bath, and I'll be up in a minute.

And between us,

we will decide the best way to cancel Anna and Toby.

You're going to be all right, Lucy.

Certainly no danger of you drowning in the bath.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Holy shit.

Lovely to see you, too.

You haven't changed. No, you haven't, have you?

You're two hours early.

Your text said eight o'clock.

That says 1800. So technically,

we're actually 226 years late.

1800 is six o'clock, Lee.

Perhaps you'd like us

to wait outside in the car for a couple of hours?

Only if you're sure you don't mind.

It's fine if you're not quite ready for us.

Should we take our shoes off?

It's a house, Toby, not a bouncy castle.

I don't know. Wait till you see Lucy's face.

I assume Lucy's upstairs putting on

that amazing new outfit she told me about.

I'll surprise her.

Wait till I tell her you messed up the times.

I can just picture her face.

I bet you can't.

Actually, she's, uh... She's not up there. If she's not

in the bedroom putting on her new Balenciaga dress,

and she's not in the kitchen preparing the fregola,

have you done away with her, Lee?

It's like a very middle-class game of Cluedo.

"Was it Lee in the orangery with the spiralizer?"

Look, I am so sorry, but...

..we're going to have to cancel this evening.

Cancel?! Why? I...I'm really sorry.

And I would not be suggesting this if it wasn't something very serious.

Very, very serious.

The thing is...

..Lucy's mum's been rushed to hospital.

Oh, God! Poor Wendy! What's the matter?

What's happened?! It's all right. It's nothing serious.

You just said it was serious. Very serious.

Very, very serious.

Yes, it is very, very serious,

but not so serious

that they can't completely rule out it being nothing.

But it probably is something. Just too early

to say yet at this stage whether it's going

to turn into something more serious than nothing or not.

Well, at least that's clear.

Mystery illness. They can't tell what it is.

What are her symptoms?

They can't even tell that at this stage.

Has she got a high temperature? So hard to tell.

It's really not.

Unless the hospital hasn't got a thermometer.

And that would be a cutback too far.

They can't take her temperature because,

um, she won't open her mouth...

..or anything.

Which hospital is it? Toby's a doctor.

He probably knows someone there. Oh, I don't know.

Lucy was in such a rush to leave.

I said I'd just grab her bag and follow her.

You're going to have to follow pretty closely

if you don't know which hospital she's gone to.

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I really should get going.

This is such a shame, Lee. We've driven all this way,

and I was looking forward to catching up on all your news.

Right. Uh, well, uh, you know, we've both been well.

Just come back from a weekend in York.

Weather ruined it a little bit.

My back's playing up again. Might give Pilates a go.

Kids are all fine.

I only hear from them when they want money. We watched Adolescence.

Can't believe they filmed it all in one shot.

Thinking about getting the driveway done.

Lucy reckons she saw Bob Geldof in Sainsbury's. I had gout.

What about all our news? You've had your hair done.

Toby's dyed his beard.

I have not.

There's no shame in it. Well, there's no dye in it either.

Look.

I didn't say you'd done it with Marmite.

Speaking of whether or not something's died,

I really do need to get to Wendy.

PHONE PINGS

Oh. It's a voice note from Lucy.

LUCY ON PHONE: Anna. Hi, it's Lucy.

I'm so sorry to do this to you at the last minute, but,

well, the thing is, we've had a bit of an emergency.

A medical emergency, to be precise.

It's the cat.

She's...she's in a terrible state.

I really don't know what's happened.

She was fine yesterday,

but this afternoon she just started to swell up.

I mean, really swell up.

Like, grotesquely swollen,

like a horror film!

Oh, my God! I can't even look at it.

I'm so sorry.

Did I say "mum"? I actually meant "cat".

Anything you want to explain to us, Lee?

Yes.

Yes, there is.

Well, the good news is, um,

Lucy's mum is absolutely fine.

So I think we can all agree that is a huge relief.

Phew!

However, the cat isn't doing so well,

and seeing as it's mine and Lucy's only beloved little pet,

you know, she is very worried about it, as you can hear.

So she's had to rush it to the vet.

OK.

Well, that clears everything up nicely.

We'll be on our way.

Oh, but just one tiny thing.

Yeah, all right, Columbo.

Why did you both tell us completely different stories?

Oh, yeah, that. That...that was odd, wasn't it?

It's a long story.

We're in no rush.

Toby, sit.

Is he allowed on the sofa?

Look, the truth is...

I think Lucy

was massively overreacting about the cat.

Yes, it swelled up, but it'll soon swell down.

And in my personal opinion, I didn't think it was

a good enough reason

to cancel your visit at such short notice.

You know, especially with

all the effort you've made. You've driven over here.

Toby's dyed his beard. I have not dyed my beard.

But Lucy insisted on rushing it to the vet.

And then you arrived early. On time.

On time, with your lovely beard... Which isn't dyed.

So I'm sorry. I panicked, and I pretended it was

something more serious because, quite frankly,

I was...embarrassed.

Well. I'm not surprised. All this over a bloody cat.

Anna! Well, they don't even show affection.

Well, neither do you, but I'd visit you in hospital.

Well... I can't deny I'm a little disappointed.

Cancelling at the last minute and then lying about it.

Well, for what it's worth, we had a big disagreement about it.

But you know what Lucy's like.

Lippy.

I didn't even know you had a cat.

Well, maybe for not much longer.

I mean, it does sound very serious.

Very serious or very, very serious, but not so serious that you can't

completely rule out it being nothing?

At least its fur hasn't suddenly changed colour.

I have not dyed my beard. Look, I'm really sorry I lied,

but I really need to go

and see Lucy and be with her to support her.

OK. But I think we should take the lilies back.

Don't be penurious, Toby.

What do you mean, penurious?

Well, don't look at me, I don't know what it means.

I'm not taking them back because I'm being penny-pinching.

I'm taking them back

because lilies can be poisonous to cats.

And that's the last thing you need if it's already ill.

Well, it's a shame it hasn't worked out,

especially after all the hard work

Lucy told me she'd done preparing the food.

Food delivery.

Four baked goat cheese souffles with apple and walnut salad.

She just needed a little help with the starters.

And four fregola sarda risotto main courses with black truffle.

At least she made the tiramisu. And this is the...

I think we know what it is.

At least she was going to open the peanuts herself.

Sorry. I forgot your peanuts.

CLATTERING

Is someone up there? No. I think there is.

There can't be. I'm home alone.

Like Macaulay Culkin.

Well, I was until the two baddies turned up.

I see you, Anna, as the Joe Pesci one.

You know, the one with a bit more...edge.

BANGING

It might be a burglar. I mean, you did leave the front door open.

Well, I don't want you two being in any danger,

so why don't you get going and I'll go and check?

Don't be ridiculous, Lee. I'm not going to let you go

up there alone to be killed by an axe-wielding maniac!

Toby, go with him.

It's OK. I can check.

Er, it'll probably be just an old

sash window rattling in the wind.

Here. Can you take that to the kitchen for me?

Take that.

There you go.

RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

Don't do that!

Your weird face just staring at me like that.

Not even a hint of irony.

Anna and Toby are downstairs! What?!

But they're two hours early! I know.

Bit rude, if you ask me.

What did you tell them? Oh, don't worry.

I was very convincing.

I said that your mum had been rushed to hospital.

But you said that was an awful thing to say!

Yeah. Turns out I was right.

I said swollen cat.

Oh, I know. One of the classics.

"The dog ate my homework.

"The cheque's in the post.

"I've got a swollen cat!"

Don't worry. I just told them that I made up the mum story

because I was embarrassed about the cat excuse.

Which we all agreed

was a pretty lame reason for cancelling. Great.

That everyone's piling on me.

Yeah. Well, they'll soon bounce off.

Look! They're about to leave.

So just stay quiet.

Keep out of sight.

And it is problem solved.

Oh, is that right?

And have you told anyone else to keep quiet and stay out of sight?

Like who?

The cat!

Oh, God, I hadn't thought of that.

How can you not think of that, you cretin?!

Don't start hurling insults at me, fat lips!

We should have just stuck with the mum lie.

At least there's no danger of her suddenly turning up

on the draining board and licking her own backside!

Well?

What? The noise upstairs.

Just an old sash window rattling in the wind.

That's exactly

what you thought it would be, wasn't it?

Word for word.

You're not the only Columbo around here.

I used to love Columbo.

AS COLUMBO: My wife is a huge fan of yours.

Well, she hides it well.

And did you give

that old sash window a good telling off?

What? I could have sworn I heard you talking to someone.

I phoned Lucy whilst I was up there, you know?

Check she was OK.

And how is she? Yeah.

She's very stressed.

We both are.

I can imagine.

This kind of thing can be very stressful.

One of the big three, isn't it?

Divorce, moving house...

..swollen cat.

You don't mind us helping ourselves, do you?

No. In fact,

why don't you take some food with you?

Oh. Toby doesn't love food to be eaten in his car.

He has a very annoying attitude towards in-car etiquette.

Oh, I don't know.

I'd allow you to not wear a seat belt.

So if you don't mind, we'll just finish these nibbles.

Lucy won't mind if you're a tiny bit late.

What's another five minutes? Well, she is,

um, very stressed.

Yeah. But you know Lucy.

Always blowing things up out of all proportion.

You're telling me.

Come on, Anna, we should go.

Lee's clearly very worried about Lucy and the cat.

Come on. Bring it in.

Ah, you were never a big man hugger, were you?

Oi!

Come here, you big sausage!

And you.

ANNA YELPS

Oh, I've missed you guys.

Oh, you haven't seen my garden yet.

I thought you were in a rush to get to the vet.

Well, like you said, what's another five minutes?

I want you to see my veg patch. It's my pride and joy.

A bit hard to see in the dark, isn't it?

Well, that's why I'm growing carrots.

Cupcake.

Cupcake. Where are you, my little angel?

Don't move, you furry bastard!

It's only for a couple of minutes. And if you keep really quiet,

I'll give you four bowls of tiramisu.

CUPCAKE SCREECHES

Cupcake. Cupcake.

Cupcake. Cupcake.

Cupcake?

Yes, sweet cheeks?

That was very quick, looking at my veg patch.

It's only about six square feet of mud.

Hardly Birds Eye HQ, is it?

Who's Cupcake?

The cleaner.

You call the cleaner Cupcake?

Her real name's Copcak, but I can't pronounce that.

You just did.

I got lucky.

I thought you were home alone.

Cleaner's got her own key. She must have let herself in.

She doesn't have set hours, then?

She's on flexitime.

It was either that or let her work from home

and we thought this was the best option.

Well, let's call her down, shall we, and we can say hello?

Cupcake! Cupcake!

Cupcake!

Cupcake!

CUPCAKE MEOWS

She obviously can't hear me. I'll go up and say hello.

Actually, the cleaner's not up there.

I thought she was because I heard a noise.

But I've just remembered.

It can't be her because...

..she's been deported.

That noise was probably just that old rattly sash window again.

I really need to get that looked at, don't I?

Cupcake sounds more like a pet name.

What kind of idiot would call their cat Cupcake?

No, I mean a pet name.

A name you'd use for a loved one.

Like Honey Bunny or Big Bear.

Or Henpecked.

Talking of which, why don't you go and find Toby?

But of course, your loved one isn't here,

is she? She's at the vet's

with an overly inflated cat.

CUPCAKE SCREECHES AND HISSES

CLATTERING

I think it's time I took a proper tour of your beautiful new home.

Bloody wind.

You've got lots of space, haven't you?

You can have a great game of hide and seek in this house.

Let's do it. Close your eyes and count to 10,000.

Is this your bedroom? Yep.

This is where the magic happens.

Like making things disappear?

I meant sex.

"You're going to like this.

"Not a lot."

Let's have a look inside then.

Well, it's all a bit of a mess.

Isn't it?

Lucy wouldn't like you seeing it like this.

Yeah. But Lucy's not here...

..is she?

Not like Lucy to forget her handbag.

She'd forget her head if it wasn't screwed on.

Shall we open the curtains?

Then we can properly see what's going on.

And that's magic!

Handy to have that garage roof just there, isn't it?

You know, in case anyone needed to escape in an emergency.

Handy for the cat as well, you know.

In case he's too swollen to fit through the cat flap.

Well, no wonder it was so windy.

Anyway, I...I really should get going, you know...

..be with Lucy.

She'd forget her legs if they weren't screwed on.

Just as I thought.

I knew you were making things up from the moment we arrived.

Really? Lee, you've never used a spiralizer!

Well, are you just going to stay in there, Aslan?

Look, Anna, I can explain.

There's nothing to explain.

It's all fairly obvious.

You're having an affair.

What? You've been acting oddly since we arrived,

and that handbag was the last straw.

Lucy would never dream of buying anything so tacky.

And it's obviously quite serious if you're calling her Cupcake.

I'm not sleeping with the cleaner.

Of course, you're not. I know there's no cleaner, Lee!

Look at the state of the place.

How could you do this to Lucy?

Especially when she's at the vet with your pet cat that might die.

You really are a heartless bastard, aren't you?

Feel free to chip in from the wardrobe at any point.

So, who exactly is this mystery woman?

Let's take a look, shall we?

Is that her day-to-day look or were you role playing?

Well?

Are you going to say anything about sleeping with my best friend's

husband? Or are you just going to stand there with your stupid

collagen lips and fat ankles?

You've got to be BLEEP kidding me.

You got me nose as well!

Good God. Is Cupcake her drag name?

Well, I don't know who you are, but I hope you're proud of yourself.

Oh, I think she is.

I'm assuming you're not here to repair the window.

There's a problem with your cat.

I thought the cat was at the vet's.

Well, it was, but it must have discharged itself and got an Uber.

I think it may be unwell.

I found it downstairs eating the lilies.

Oh! Cupcake!

Lucy?

They're real!

What is going on, Lucy?

What the hell has happened to your lips?

Well, I don't know, Anna.

But whatever it was clearly started with my fat ankles.

Or maybe it was some sort of viral disease

I caught from all this filthy mess.

But at least my big tacky lips match my big tacky handbag.

Yes, Anna, I think somebody is owed an apology.

Or maybe later, whenever you're ready.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

I was just being defensive of you.

The handbag's fine.

And of course you don't have fat ankles.

And the mess?

You're a busy woman.

Look, would you both like to stay the night still?

When I get back from the vet's, we'll microwave the food

and I'll explain everything.

Like how I was trying to impress you by getting lip fillers

that went horribly wrong, and then hiding from you

because I couldn't face you seeing me looking like Frankenstein.

Frankenstein was actually the man who created it.

You mean... Not now, Toby.

That would be lovely, Lucy.

Oh, I like the new beard colour, by the way, Toby.

It's called Man At Midnight.

I knew it. You bloody liar!

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0