Original subtitles

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC

Why is that helium balloon so deflated?

HIGH-PITCHED: No idea.

Cheap crap if you ask me. You should probably try and get a refund.

I can't leave you alone for two minutes.

Well, I was bored.

I'm a prisoner.

Ahem!

LOWER-PITCHED: I'm a prisoner in my own bedroom.

Can't believe there's a party going on in our own house

and we're not even invited.

Aren't you a bit old for 20th birthday parties?

NORMAL PITCH: Well, my voice has only just broke.

Why did you agree to this?

Because her house isn't big enough, and she's my goddaughter.

She's not MY goddaughter.

Only met her a few times, and even then she barely gave me eye contact.

Well, in that dressing gown, she'd regard the eyes as a safe haven.

And you didn't exactly help yourself

by setting off that party popper when she arrived.

She's phonophobic.

She's what?

It's a fear of any sudden loud noises.

That's why I brought the balloons upstairs.

She was worried they might pop and scare her.

What?

I've just remembered, there's a box of Rice Krispies in the cupboard.

Hide the milk. We don't want to traumatise her.

Don't be an old fart about this.

Sorry.

It's just that kids all seem to have labels these days.

There was never a word for what I was.

Well, I can think of one for what you are now.

I wish you'd be a bit more welcoming to her.

I am welcoming.

In fact, if you must know,

I've even left her a little present downstairs.

Oh.

That's nice. What?

Bottle of Taboo.

You bought her booze?

I didn't buy it.

It's the one that's been sitting under the sink for about 12 years.

She doesn't drink.

They really are the sensible generation, aren't they?

At her age I got up to all sorts.

Well, you are from the North.

Taboo probably meant you were sleeping with your sister.

MUFFLED MUSIC: Blue Monday by New Order

Well, at least they're playing decent music down there.

Although this kind of '80s stuff sounds much better on vinyl.

That's the problem with Spotify,

this generation will never know what it's like

to properly feel a 12-inch.

If you want them out of your house, go downstairs and say that.

MUSIC SKIPS

Hang on.

That is vinyl.

My vinyl!

I never said they could touch my records.

I've got a rare special edition blue Frankie Goes to Hollywood

record down there.

Relax.

Yeah, that's the one.

It's even been signed by Holly Johnson himself.

Even I don't touch that record.

I'm going down.

You can't go down there and start mingling with young people

dressed like a fugitive from a nursing home.

I'll pop out and straight back in again.

That's what I'm worried about.

Ella was very nervous about this party.

She's a very delicate girl.

If you knock her confidence even slightly,

you won't need helium to talk in a high-pitched voice.

Because I will castrate... I've got it.

Excuse me.

Would you mind taking that somewhere a little more private?

Where?

I don't know.

The bathroom, maybe.

Preferably the one in Heston services.

All right, then.

Bathroom it is.

Oh, and, er... no looking in the bathroom cabinet.

They're not mine.

Whatever they are.

AMBIENT MUSIC

I really should get the roof repaired on this house.

Why does it smell like fruit in here?

Oh, you've got me.

We've been making smoothies.

And yet the roof gag gets nothing.

You're vaping, aren't you?

Do you want some?

Just don't tell the bloke who owns the house.

I own the house.

Otherwise why would I be dressed like this?

You might have been a random pervert.

Good to know they taught your generation

the best way to deal with that scenario.

Invite the random pervert to join you

for a mango and passion fruit vaping session.

Do you want us to stop, then?

No, it's fine.

As long as you're not smoking real cigarettes.

Nah, wouldn't do that.

It ages you.

Mm. Exactly.

Yeah.

I mean, he's only 34.

HE TITTERS

MUFFLED MUSIC: Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Frankie!

If you're having Twiglets, please get a wet wipe.

Hi, Ella.

Hello.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Lee, the homeowner.

I say homeowner, it's more of a hostage situation with the bank.

HE CHUCKLES

Is everything OK?

I haven't done something wrong, have I?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, you - you carry on enjoying yourself.

Have a good time.

I just might... If that's OK...

MUSIC STOPS

Don't worry, everyone.

I'm not the strippagram.

You probably don't even know what one of them is.

It's if I was to take all my clothes off and start, er...

Forget it. Different times.

What are you doing?

I'm... Sorry to be a pain,

but could I please ask that you don't actually play my records?

It's ironic, given it says Relax.

Yeah, but it also says don't do it.

Sorry.

All right! You don't have to shout at her.

Ella's already in a bad way, thanks to you.

Why? What have I done?

You got her that bottle of alcohol, and it's gone straight to her head.

Well, I didn't know she didn't drink when I bought it for her.

Ha, bought it for her.

It had a price sticker on it from 2014.

Sorry, but I didn't force you to drink it, Ella.

She was being polite.

She didn't want to offend you.

I wouldn't have been offended.

Loads of people have refused that bottle over the years.

How much have you had?

About half.

You drank half a bottle?

No.

Half a shot.

Oh, that's all right, then, innit?

No, it's not all right, actually.

She's had a tough day as it is,

and you've made it worse by making her feel drunk and sad.

Why? What's happened?

Come on.

I might be able to offer you some words of wisdom.

You?

All right, I might not look like Yoda from Star Wars...

Actually, you do.

Well, ignore the robe.

I meant your face.

Come on.

What's bothering you, Ella?

Well, I know what's bothering her now!

It's my boyfriend.

Freddy.

Has he cheated on you?

No!

No, of course not.

Why would he go out and have burger

when he can stay at home and have steak?

She's a vegan.

I mean, stay at home and have quinoa.

Has he said something mean to you?

No. He hasn't said anything to her.

OK? That's the problem.

He never expresses himself.

He never even says that he likes her or that she looks nice.

Nothing.

Look, I've been married for a long time, Ella,

and sometimes you do forget to say these things,

but it doesn't mean you don't care.

You might show it in other ways, like making a cup of tea,

or taking the bins out,

or clearing lint out of the filter of the tumble dryer.

What?

How is that helpful?

Improves energy efficiency and vents excess moisture.

Thanks. You can go now.

Or I might show Lucy how much I love her

by agreeing to let her goddaughter have a party in our house.

Where you can't even use the record player.

All right, what about this?

I'll take Freddy up to my bedroom.

Sorry, not Freddy.

Frankie - as in Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

My very special signed album.

But you lot can play the rest of my records -

which means only touching the vinyl by the edge,

and putting them back in the sleeve

by placing our middle finger in the hole...

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Please don't be childish when I'm trying to educate you.

..and always remembering to put the albums back

in alphabetical order according to surnames.

So, for example, if it was George Michael,

it would be M for Michael, not G for George.

But there are some exceptions, like Boy George,

because that wasn't his real name,

in which case it would be B for Boy and not G for George.

Or if it was Pet Shop Boys, it would be the first letter P, for Pet.

Unless the band begins with The, like The Beach Boys,

in which case you discount the The and go straight for the B for Beach.

Unless it's the actual band, The The -

er, which was a real band in the 1980s, by the way -

in which case you wouldn't discount the The,

but technically speaking you'd be going for the second The,

not the first The.

Understood?

Right. And then we choose our next album

by once again placing our finger in the middle hole...

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I won't tell you again.

..and we gently put it on the turntable.

Very careful with the needle, and we press play.

Is everybody happy?

MUSIC: Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers

I know, what about Locomotion by Kylie?

Let's get the party dancing started.

I used to be a mobile DJ, actually.

All the virgins give us a wave!

As I say, different times.

I'll take it off. No.

Leave it on.

I like it.

Look, I'm sorry, Ella.

I'm sure you and Freddy will get through this difficult time.

How long have you been together?

Four...

No, five days.

Five days? I thought it was serious.

I've had hiccups that last longer than that.

Now look what you've done.

Sorry. Please don't cry.

We don't want Lucy seeing you like this, do we?

Otherwise I'll have lost some testicles,

and Lucy will have gained some novelty earrings.

I'll get her some water.

DANCE MUSIC

Oh, better turn it down.

Your grandad's here, Freddy.

Phat beats.

I love this stuff.

Hip-hop, trance, dance...

..prance...

..France.

How do you like it?

Well, Freddy, it's important to say when you like something or someone.

Thanks, but I'm already seeing someone.

I'm not chatting you up! You're young enough to be my son.

Or your carer.

It's Ella, isn't it? Your girlfriend.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say girlfriend.

We've only been together for a few days.

It's hardly a serious relationship.

That's what I said!

But that's still no reason to hide your feelings.

You should still be open and honest with her.

Sorry, who are you?

I'm Lee, the homeowner.

Oh, is that your vinyl in there? Can I play them?

Talk to me about your alphabetisation methodology.

My what?

Don't touch the vinyl.

All I'm trying to do is make sure that Ella has a good time tonight -

but she's a bit upset.

She tells me you don't express yourself very clearly.

Hmm.

Yeah, like that.

You think she's nice?

Yeah.

Do you fancy her?

Yeah, I suppose.

So, why don't you say so?

OK.

She's nice and I fancy her.

Not to me, to her.

It's not really my thing, you know,

talking about stuff.

Mm.

You know who you remind me of?

Me.

Yeah, all right, I sometimes wear trousers.

The point I'm making is there was a woman I used to like,

and for a very long time I didn't tell her how I felt -

and as a result, I almost lost her.

You still together?

At time of speaking.

Go on, talk to Ella.

Tell her how you feel.

It might be the most important conversation you ever have.

Ah...

And if you talk to her, I'll let you use my records.

Is that your "vinyl" offer?

God, you really are like me, aren't you?

I didn't realise how irritating it was.

Deal?

MUSIC STOPS

Deal.

Napkin, please, that's flaky pastry.

Ella! Look who I found.

Ahem.

Er, this man said to me I should be more...

Open and honest. ..open and honest.

Ahem...

Go on, then.

Er...

Ella, I think you're... really good-looking...

..and I think you're...nice.

Nice!

That's nice, isn't it?

Nice to see you, to see you...

Carry on.

The thing is...

..I don't want to see you any more.

What?

Yeah.

I think it's best if I'm open and honest with you.

You were right, mate.

I feel better for saying that.

Anyway, let's not dwell on that.

What a great party.

Having fun?

MUSIC: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

SHE WAILS

Oh, where you going?

To talk to Lucy.

Oh, no, no, don't do that.

Talk to me.

I've been dumped loads of times -

and look how I turned out!

SHE WAILS

This is the worst party ever.

Thank you.

Do sign the guest book on the way out.

SHE SOBS

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, no, no, no, you can't go in there.

Lucy will be asleep.

It's only nine o'clock.

I know - but when you hit middle age,

you soon realise that nothing late at night

is as sexy or as thrilling as a full eight hours' sleep.

Sometimes we watch The One Show and turn in with a Horlicks.

I don't know if you've seen that show,

but if that doesn't send you to sleep, nothing will.

Why did you tell Freddy to finish with me?

Oh... No, I didn't.

You're not thinking straight.

Because you got me drunk on Taboo!

And my mouth tastes all sticky.

That'll be the added tropical fruit juices

they blend for an exotic summer sensation.

Look, if Lucy sees you upset, then she'll be upset -

and neither of us want that, do we?

Why don't you take a moment to chill out?

AMBIENT MUSIC

There you go.

It's lovely and chilled in here.

Smells like a branch of Lush but without the overpriced bath bombs.

There you go, sit...sit down.

Deep breaths, and...

MUFFLED: # Relax Don't do it... #

I forgot Frankie!

# Don't do it... #

RECORD SCRATCH

# Don't do it... #

Bastards!

Oh, oh...!

Whoa, careful, dude.

She's phonophobic.

Just sort her out!

Lee! What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I've been chatting to the kids.

Advice on how to cope when someone breaks up with you.

Well, I hope they gave you some good tips.

RECORD SCRATCHING

Get in here now!

One minute.

They're abusing Frankie.

Lee! Lee!

Oh, bugger off, speccie.

RECORD SCRATCHING

That crisp packet is not an adequate beer mat.

Er, excuse me. Sorry.

Could you stop doing that, please, Freddy?

It's all right. I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, I know, I really do have to insist.

What is your problem?!

Why are you so determined to ruin Ella's birthday?

I just want my records looking after.

Don't make me out like I'm some sort of party pooper, cos I'm not.

In fact, I've just told two kids

to get off with each other in my bathroom.

Is that the actions of a party pooper?

No, it's the actions of a pervert.

I wish people would stop calling me that.

You forced alcohol on Ella,

you made her cry,

you ruined her relationship -

and now you won't even let us listen to music!

Do you know what your problem is?

You're toxic.

Toxic?! I'm not toxic!

You kids bandy these words around

without even knowing their true meaning -

and do you know why? And this is the real reason

that you get so upset all the time.

It's not because I'm toxic,

it's because you lot are all absolute...

MUSIC STOPS

..BLEEP snowflakes!

But, you know, who... who doesn't love snowflakes?

I do.

They're my favourite type of flakes, after...Cadburys...

..but before...Kellogg's Corn.

I'm leaving.

What?

I don't think this is a safe space.

Course it is.

I've just changed the batteries in the smoke alarm.

In fact, I think he's just violated all of our boundaries.

So, we should all leave.

Oh, well, hang on.

No, no, no. You can't go.

It-It's Ella's birthday.

If you leave, she'll be gutted -

and then Lucy will be gutted.

Then she'll have me gutted.

Well, you should have thought of that

before your extremely aggressive outburst.

Listen, everyone, I-I should probably...

..apologise.

Sorry!

Is that it?

No.

No, that's not it. I...

I want to apologise properly...

..in writing.

No, not in writing.

I mean, I'd like to apologise right now,

because what I did was...

..unforgivable...

..but I really do, you know, want you to find a way...

..to forgive me.

How can we forgive you if it's unforgivable?

Because, you know...

That is a good question.

Because I want to...

..work through this.

Because I will be taking some time out

to regroup with my wife and family,

and stepping away from politics...

..from the living room...

..whilst I reflect.

Because the thing is...

..I've been getting quite fat recently.

No, not fat.

That's... That's body shaming.

I need to grow as a person.

Then hopefully you will be able to forgive me.

Go on, we're listening.

What?

How are you going to grow?

By giving you all a big cuddle.

But you're not getting one,

because I won't invade anyone's personal space.

But I will own it.

I will own what I did.

It's mine.

I'm having it because I have...

..worms.

I have words,

and I chose those words very badly -

but I won't in the future, because I have changed,

and you will see that if you stay.

So, please stay.

I think you will be pleased, because I have...

..Viennetta in the freezer.

I say let's give the guy a chance.

He has let us use his house.

Don't know.

He's displaying a lot of red flags.

It's just bunting. I could take it down.

So, what do you reckon?

What flavour Viennetta is it?

Mint choc chip.

OK, we'll stay.

For now.

But if this becomes an unsafe space again...

It won't.

MUSIC: Born Slippy (Nuxx) by Underworld

Thanks for that.

I'll return the favour

if you ever get cancelled by a middle-aged woman.

It's much easier, they just like chocolates.

Yeah, you definitely dodged a bullet there, mate.

Well, so did you, to be honest.

How'd you mean?

Well, you and Ella, let's be honest,

you're far too young to be in a serious relationship.

When I was your age, I was playing the field.

So, you're saying even if I was in a situationship,

I should still be branching with a sneaky link?

Exactly. Do that.

But in English.

I feel you, brother.

Yeah, please don't.

I've only just been uncancelled.

Right, I will take this little baby safely upstairs with me,

and I will send Ella straight back down.

I reckon she must be feeling much better by now.

I think Ella's about to throw up.

Hold on!

# Boy and you just groan, boy

# She said, come over, come over

# She... #

AMBIENT MUSIC

I feel sick.

Well, you have had a thimble full of Taboo and a sip of tap water.

You know what they say about mixing your drinks.

Oh, when I said she had too much, I didn't mean alcohol.

Well, what else has she done?

Weed.

Has she?

Can someone get a mop?

Hang on...

Do you mean weed as in drugs?

Yeah.

That's what's in the vapes.

But you knew that, right?

No, I did not.

Dude, you told me to sort her out.

Did you?

No!

Well, yes, but I didn't mean marijuana.

Oh, you should have said.

I've got a mate who can be here in five minutes.

What?

What do you want me to get her?

Crank? Molly?

Pooky? Scooby snacks? Nuggets?

Sorry, I am genuinely confused.

Is your mate a drugs dealer or does he work for Deliveroo?

I'm going to be sick.

Bathroom!

Hello?

Can you come out, please?

Uh, no, mate. You were the one that told us to come in here.

Stop snogging and show some respect!

He did.

He took his brace out first.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh... Kitchen sink.

What about your bedroom en suite?

No!

I've just used it.

You're going to have to give it five minutes.

Do you put your shoes on the coffee table in your own home?

Change of plan.

You can use the en suite bathroom.

A bit of Febreze will sort it out.

Um, I'm looking for my husband.

Bit intense for a chat-up line, but I'll go with it.

I mean, I've lost my husband.

Widow.

Something even sexier about that.

What is the matter with you?!

Um, excuse me.

Old man, bit creepy-looking,

beard, wears a big gown,

isn't Father Christmas?

Don't worry, Ella, a birthday isn't a birthday

unless you're throwing up.

On my 20th I threw up so many times I got asked to leave Alton Towers.

I didn't even make it as far as the rides.

I just got very drunk in the car park.

Freddy?

Oh, how could you?!

It was your idea.

You told me to play the field.

Not on the same night!

Well, you two are split up now, right?

You absolute bitch.

Oh...

Not sure you can use that word any more, Ella.

Oh, BLEEP off, you snowflake!

Own it, sister.

You gate-crash my party,

make me drink alcohol,

get me dumped by my boyfriend,

get me high on drugs,

make me feel sick,

and tell my ex-boyfriend to get off with my best friend.

You horrible, disgusting old man!

Well, she's found her confidence.

That's good, isn't it?

BANG

RETCHING

Happy 20th.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

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