Original subtitles

Freeze suckers!

We're being robbed.

Now, if you two will just bear with me,

we will reconstruct the evening

and find out what happened.

Take him, Higgins!

Take him where?

What happened to your clothes?

The safe. Where is it?

We won't tell you.

It's in the office.

Sometimes we remember what we want to,

not what really happened.

Dispatch the Pig!

Hawaiian sunsets are among the most

breathtakingly beautiful in the world.

Grandly vibrant, uniquely different every day.

They paint a palate with boundaries that stop

only at the horizons of one's imagination.

However, when the sun goes down,

it looks the same all over the world.

Whether you're in Milwaukee or Maui, it's dark.

But Hawaii's many attributes don't stop when the sun goes down.

There is still plenty to see and do.

You could go to a luau, or a disco, or a fine restaurant,

a harbor cruise or the Don Ho Show.

You could dance and eat until your feet and stomach

were begging for mercy.

So why catch forty winks at home and set the alarm clock for 2:00 a.m.,

closing time all over town?

Because sometimes in Hawaii,

sports events are aired very late at night

and tonight was the pivotal game

in the American League East pennant race.

Orioles against the Tigers.

Probably the biggest game of the year and I was going to get to see it,

alone, without interruptions,

courtesy of the sports channel and the new cable system Robin had installed.

So what if I'd had to avoid friends and radios all day

so I wouldn't accidentally hear the score.

So what if it was the middle of the night.

To me it was a perfect evening in paradise.

...exciting baseball. What do you say, Joe?

Harry, I say the sun is up, the stands are packed,

Tigers are ready, and it promises to be a great game.

We interrupt tonight's game

between the Baltimore Orioles and the Detroit Tigers

for this late-breaking news flash.

Right now we have a live report from reporter Ami Tenenbaum

at the scene of this shocking story.

I'm here at the posh and exclusive Kamehameha Club

where a daring armed robbery has just occurred.

Apparently, three masked, heavily armed gunmen

broke into the club at closing and robbed the manager of cash receipts

totaling thousands of dollars.

We are expecting to hear from one of the board of directors at any moment,

but in the meantime,

perhaps we can find out what the police have to say on this matter.

Lieutenant Tanaka, excuse me.

Yes.

Do you have any firm leads or clues

as to who the perpetrators of this crime are?

Unfortunately, the accounts of the witnesses are widely divergent.

It's going to take an exhaustive investigation

before I can make any sense out of this.

- That means no then? - Right.

The only thing I am sure of is

the robbers may have had some help from somebody on the inside.

Thank you very much, Lieutenant Tanaka.

- I have been assured-- - By the way,

do you have the score on the Tigers-Oriole game?

Not yet.

Thank you very much, Lieutenant Tanaka.

I've been assured that we'll be getting a statement

from one of the board of directors.

Here he is right now.

Jonathan Higgins, who was apparently present at the time of the robbery.

Mr. Higgins, can you give us your comments as to

what happened here at the club?

Comments?

Well, I felt the robbery was in incredibly poor taste in as much as the

blackguards had the audacity to...

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait until tomorrow morning

when the board will issue an official statement.

Good night.

Lieutenant, these guys were big.

I'm talking 6 feet, 200 pounds easy.

The lout in the gorilla mask was six feet four, at least.

Oh, no, no, no. He wasn't that tall.

Lieutenant. Why are you asking the same dumb questions?

Shouldn't you be checking fingerprints or something?

They were wearing gloves.

- No, they weren't. - Yes, they were.

Can't you guys agree on anything?

I doubt it.

Thomas, you'll never believe what happened.

I saw it on the news. How you doing, Rusty? Keoki?

What happened to your clothes?

I'm ruined.

You.

You talk to them.

And if three of you come up with anything

that even slightly resembles a lead, let me know.

I've got a ballgame to watch.

- You guys all right? - Yeah.

No.

I'm quite certain that the directors of this club

are holding a secret ballot this moment to remove me from the board.

Of course, since I've already resigned, that's quite unnecessary.

You don't have to resign, Higgins.

You're on about a hundred other boards.

What about me? I've only got one job.

Perhaps you should have thought of that

before you hired that incompetent waitress, Rosette.

It's Rosine--

I'm certain that she's the one who arranged those hooligans--

Hey, why are you picking on Rosine?

I mean, if there was an inside man,

it was probably that wormy guy you hired to do the deposits.

- I can't wait for this. - Wormy! George Wong, wormy?

He's the finest CPA on the Island.

Perhaps if you hadn't been ogling the lady at your table all night--

Ogling? Ogling?

Guys, guys, guys! Time out.

We're never going to get anywhere if you don't stop bickering like this.

We're not going to get anywhere anyway.

Obviously someone working from inside

planned and executed a masterful robbery.

So masterful, as a matter of fact,

Lieutenant Tanaka has as much as admitted

that it's unsolvable and gone home.

- I suggest that we do the same. - Wait a minute.

How do you know there was an inside man?

Somebody must have tipped them off

that the cash was overflowing in the safe.

Thanks to you.

Don't start, T.C.

Well, who else knew about that?

Oh, no. No, you don't.

Very clever, Magnum, but it is not going to work.

We're not going to allow you to drag us into

one of your parlor room detective dramas.

I'm much too tired and upset to go through some useless charades.

I would not consider recovering the money useless.

You think you might be able to do that?

No, he couldn't.

Yes, I could. With your help.

Look, one of you saw or heard something

that's going to be the key to this thing.

- Trust me. - Magnum.

I don't know. It all happened pretty fast.

What happened to your eye, Keoki?

It's not worth talking about.

Sure it is. You guys tell me what happened,

then we can figure out who the inside man is.

What've we got to lose?

Sleep. It's late and I am going home.

- My sentiments exactly. - Oh, fine.

Go ahead and split.

Personally, I'm going to stay and try and save my job.

Great.

Perhaps...

we ought to stay here

to make sure he doesn't slip up

on any of the details.

He'd better not slip up.

Keoki, put on a pot of coffee. This could take some time.

Sure, Magnum.

Okay, Rick,

let's get started.

Well,

it was closing time

and Joy was just finishing up her last set on the piano.

Opening week of the new Anuenue Terrace room was a big success

so I wanted to make sure that I was sticking around

to make sure nothing went wrong

Higgins and I were sitting at the bar.

T.C. was making goo-goo eyes at some chick.

And Rusty was sitting at his usual place.

Come on, Rusty. Closing time. Wake up.

Looks like you take Rusty home tonight.

Again.

Hey, could you take two mai tais to table four?

I've got something important to do. Sure.

Thanks.

Another fruit punch for me and a white wine for the lady.

Last call, T.C.

Last call here, maybe.

But what can I tell you, I think the little lady has plans.

A nightcap at her place and then, who knows?

She's actually asked you to her place?

Well, not in so many words. But she will.

Believe me, she will.

Hey, barkeep, how about those drinks?

You believe this guy? Barking out orders while Joy's singing.

Perhaps he doesn't realize she is singing.

Oh, very funny, Higgins.

Joy Kelly happens to be one of Honolulu's most popular entertainers.

Plus, she's got great talent.

Indeed.

If her talent were half as impressive as her physique,

perhaps there would be a reason to extend her engagement.

As it is--

As it is...

...the board has decided to let her go.

As manager of the club, it is your responsibility to tell her.

Oh, no, you don't, Higgins. If you want her fired, you do it.

Rick, that was Mrs. Halloway.

She's about a quarter mile down the street in a phone booth.

She got a flat tire on her way home.

Oh, great.

She's about 90 years old. How's she gonna fix it?

She's one of our charter members.

We must do something to help her.

I'll send Max.

- Good idea. - Hey, Max...

Keoki, let me have T.C.'s check.

Well, I'll go see how George is doing with the deposits

while you have your conversation with Miss Kelly.

Forget it.

I'll check in on George, you talk to Joy.

It's the board's decision, Higgins.

Very well.

Why don't we just take my car?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I take my car and you take your car?

But I don't know where you live.

I know.

It's on the house, T.C.

Thanks.

I don't understand.

What is it that you don't like about my act?

Is it the material? My piano playing?

My voice?

That about covers it.

Except, of course, for the costume.

What's wrong with my costume?

You're in it.

Almost.

There's only one place you may be fit to play.

Where?

Cleveland.

Cleveland? Oh, Mr. Higgins,

I would rather leave show business than play Cleveland.

I'd say you're making the right choice.

George, how's it going?

Oh, Mr. Wright.

Almost finished.

What time is it?

Five to 2:00.

So late?

What could've happened to...

To what?

Nothing.

Just a few more minutes.

You know, in a way I'm kinda glad that that rich Arab guy left.

Leaving all this money around kinda made me nervous.

What was that?

How would I know?

All right, get him up off the floor.

Get him up. Get him up. Come on, move it.

Get up. Get up and get over there.

What's going on here?

Rick...

we're being robbed.

What complete and utter poppycock!

Man, you've got everything wrong.

What really happened was--

Hey, I thought you were in a rush to get out of here.

How can we possibly go home

if you're going to distort everything?

Surely you don't believe a word of this?

Well, I don't know. Some of it sounds right.

It just seems like you're leaving parts out.

Like what happened to your clothes?

So anyway, we were all huddled together over there

and Higgins was brushing himself off.

Rick, we're being robbed.

All right. Over here with the rest of them.

Oh, yeah?

- Come on, move it. - Tough guy, huh?

Well, let me tell you something, pal. I ain't scared of you.

What did he say?

I'm going to give you one last chance to put your guns down

before this turns into a serious crime.

- Is he talking to us? - Please, sir.

Pay no attention to him. The man is insane.

Come on, Higgins. Get tough!

Orville, we've got to do what they say.

Or what? What's the matter with you guys?

I thought I told you to move.

Let me tell you something, pig,

nobody tells me what to do. You got that?

George, Rosey, let's stand over there.

Everybody freeze!

Oh, my.

Please, I beseech you.

We'll do exactly as you request.

Only let's not have any more of this senseless violence.

The safe. Where is it?

We won't tell you.

It's in the office.

Why don't you tell them the combination, too?

- I forgot to lock it. - George!

I'm sorry, Mr. Wright. And all that money is just lying around.

You two stay here,

I'll take one of them with me to get the bread. Right.

Surely there is no necessity for one of us to accompany you.

After all, the safe is open, the money out.

What possible advantage could there be to taking along a witness?

I'll take the runt.

No. Forget Higgins. If you take anybody, you take me.

Orville.

I'll K.O. the pig in the office. You take care of the other two guys.

Are you crazy?

Rick, be careful.

Don't worry, baby.

Okay, porker.

Let's go.

You're making a big mistake here, pal.

Here, take this.

I mean, you're not just dealing with me. I'm connected.

Fill it.

Okay, okay.

I'm just telling you,

let's say you get out of here tonight with the dough,

you think Ice Pick is just gonna let you walk away?

You can run, but you can't hide. This is a small island, pal.

Think about it.

Ice Pick? You know Ice Pick?

He's a close personal friend.

Now, if you give me that gun right now, maybe, just maybe,

I could talk Ice Pick out of not making you sushi for the sharks.

What do you say, pal?

I don't know. Golly.

I didn't count on this.

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

All right, hold it!

- Take him, Higgins! - Take him where?

Over there.

Get over there over the couch.

Bread in the safe. Get it.

I say, old man, are you all right?

It's nothing, Higgins. Just a broken nose. It'll heal.

I'm afraid I've rather let you down.

Forget it, Higgins. We can't all be heroes.

No, no.

I'm devastated by my own behavior.

I should have stood by you, fighting shoulder to shoulder.

Instead of advocating shameful appeasement to these ruffians.

I can only hope when this nightmare is over

that I can find some way to make it up to you.

All of you.

Don't take it so hard. You broke under pressure.

It could happen to anybody.

No, please! Not me! Don't hit me! Don't hit me!

Look, please, please, leave me here.

I figure this is the guy we gonna take as a hostage.

Oh, no, no, no. Maybe you ought to take the girls? Or Rusty.

Take Higgins.

Me?

I've never been a hostage in my life.

I wouldn't know how to be one.

Surely there's someone here with a little experience.

If you have to take someone, take me.

That's it! I am not going to listen to another word.

Not one more word.

Wait, T.C. He didn't get to explain what happened to your clothes.

Yeah, well, he may not live long enough to explain that to you.

Hey, I'm just saying it the way I remember.

I wouldn't call that memory.

I would call that the insane, crazed meanderings

of an obviously demented mind.

- You saying I'm wrong? - Yes.

Okay, fine. Fine. I suppose you guys got a different version.

You got it, baby.

Now, here's what really went down.

It was closing time and Joy was just finishing her last set at the piano.

I was having this fascinating conversation

with this lovely young lady that I'd met at a poetry meeting.

My first Ph. D. was in the field of Economics.

My dissertation traced the writings on man's physical wants and needs from--

Physical needs and wants.

From the earliest Oriental moral codes...

Moral codes.

...up through the medieval feudal period culminating

with the emergence of Karl Marx and the socialists.

Ntozake, I don't think I've ever met a woman

with a Ph. D. in Economics before.

I don't usually tell anybody. It scares them away.

Not me.

I think Economics is so interesting.

You do?

Care for another?

Mmm-hmm. Thank you.

Another fruit punch for me and a white wine for the lady.

It's the last call, T.C.

Last call here, maybe.

But this is one lady I don't intend to let get away.

Going to her place for a nightcap?

Hey, barkeep, how about those drinks?

Won't be long now, little lady.

Spence, people might hear you.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I don't know when I've had so much fun.

Me, either.

Say, why don't I pick you up tomorrow

and take you for a ride in my helicopter?

Tour of the Islands?

My specialty.

I'd love to, T.C., but I can't.

I've got to conduct a workshop at the university.

But you're welcome to come.

Yeah, I know.

What could be more boring than a workshop in Economics?

No, no. I'd love to come hear you speak. What time?

We start at 10:00.

Maybe we can go together.

Why don't I pick you up in my car?

No, it's probably better if I take my car and you take your car.

But I have no idea where you live. Yet.

Hey, here's your check.

Cash, turkey.

Keep the change.

T.C., why is he so rude?

He doesn't know any better.

He comes from a culturally deprived environment.

I try to make allowances.

T.C., I've never met a man like you.

You're just so enlightened, so compassionate,

so socially wise.

Or do you think you could consider...

Maybe you'd like to perhaps come up to my place for a nightcap?

I'd be honored.

Shall we leave?

Freeze suckers!

That's exactly the way I told it.

- No, it isn't. - Except that--

Except that neither of you is reciting

anything even remotely resembling the truth.

But, of course, what can one expect from simple, primitive minds

that overload at the drop of a

multi-dependent-claused declarative sentence?

What?

Okay, guys, here's some more coffee.

Thanks, Keoki. How's the eye?

It's okay, I guess.

Say, if you don't need me anymore, I guess I'll just--

Maybe you ought to have Doc Ibold look at that.

No, no. It's just kinda tender, that's all.

It'll be fine. Really.

So, if you don't need me,

Magnum, I refuse to sit silently by any longer.

Either I will be heard, or I'll leave.

You can leave if you want to, Higgins.

I'm sure T.C. can tell me what happened to all your clothes.

Keoki, a brandy, please.

Okay, now come on, T.C. I think we're starting to get somewhere.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Where was I?

You were going to tell me what happened to all your clothes.

Forget about the clothes.

I want to get to the more important stuff.

I mean, we were facing down three armed robbers.

So I knew right away that our only hope

was for everybody to play the whole scene cool.

- Oh, my God. - Higgins.

What kind of adolescent, and absurdly premature

April Fool's joke are you up to?

- Higgins-- - Really, Magnum.

Over the past three years you have continuously and deliberately tried

to distract me by donning that ridiculous gorilla mask.

An act, I might add,

which I have managed through enormous self-will, to ignore.

But I can ignore it no longer.

There are ladies present who might be frightened by this bizarre display of--

Shut up!

You're not Magnum.

Higgins, you all right?

What's going on here?

We're being robbed.

All right. Over here with the rest of them.

Over where? What's he talking about?

Who are these guys?

Just...

do as they say, Rick.

And nobody, I mean, nobody will get hurt.

Come on, move it, move it. Get over there.

Come on, you, too.

Hey, leave him alone.

That's Rusty.

He passes out there every night. Wouldn't hurt a fly.

Odd.

I'm sure I must have been in a situation like this before.

But for the life of me, I can't remember when.

Stop talking.

- - Perhaps in Burma. - - Higgins.

- No. - Please.

- No Halloween masks. - You'll be all right.

Maybe we ought to call the police or something.

Don't kill him. He's just stupid.

Everybody freeze!

Oh, my!

Higgins, maybe you'd better go and administer first aid.

- The Sudan. - Pardon?

Yes. I believe I was in a situation very nearly like this in...

No, I've never been in the Sudan.

The safe. Where is it?

Oh, it's in the office, but it's--

Unlocked.

We forgot to lock it. Sorry.

That's all right, George. Anyone can make a mistake.

You two stay here and watch them.

I'll take one of them with me to get the bread.

- Yeah. - Right.

I do recall reading about a case like this one time,

but unfortunately, I didn't witness it.

Come with me, shorty.

Rick, be careful.

Who are these guys?

Come on.

Where you going?

Are you men truly animals?

I'm going to take care of his wounds.

And if you're going to shoot me for it,

then you'll have your conscience to answer to.

Go ahead.

Are you okay, man?

Hey, what happened?

Don't worry. You're going to be all right.

I'm sorry. I thought I had them.

Hey, it's okay.

The important thing is for everyone to get out of here alive.

So no more heroics.

Okay?

Thanks.

Is he okay?

He's fine, my dear.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I've got it.

There was a time when we were on the Caspian Sea,

I think we found us a hostage.

But there were no hostages.

There's no need for hostages.

In that case, this is very reminiscent of the time we were on the Caspian Sea.

Don't you ever stop talking?

I beg your pardon?

I'm taking him out of here.

I can't stand all this talk, talk, talk, talk!

Do you think you will be taking hostages or not?

You got it, pal.

In fact, we'll be taking the broad.

You're not going anywhere with anyone.

The boss says we take a hostage.

Some boss. You work for a man who picks on

poor, defenseless women?

T.C., they're armed and dangerous.

Not to worry.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

You're not taking the girl. You're not taking anyone.

And if your boss doesn't like it,

he can talk to me.

What's going on here?

He says he wants to see the boss.

All right.

Hey you.

You call yourself the boss. Well, let me tell you something,

you're not taking any hostages.

Armed robbery is bad enough. But kidnapping.

That's a federal offense, buddy.

Dorchester.

I was working at a bank part-time

to help my cousin, Reginald, through school.

They wore masks and took a hostage.

They took all the cash on hand,

but, stupidly, left some negotiable bonds behind.

Quite similar to these.

All right. All right.

Maybe we can make a deal.

You don't take any hostages

and we'll hand over those negotiable bonds.

They're not.

Those bonds aren't negotiable.

But, of course, they had no way of knowing that.

And if you hadn't told them, they'd be out cashing clues all over the city

and we'd have some way of tracking them down.

How was I supposed to know that?

I thought you were just handing out money.

Oh, get out of here, man. You gotta--

Here's your brandy, Mr. Higgins.

Thank you.

Well, I think I'll be going home, now.

Keoki, I know you've had a rough night,

but I'd sure like to hear your side of it.

I really didn't see much. I was behind the bar most of the time.

If I may finally be allowed to speak,

you will have the correct sequence of events

as they happened.

As you saw them, you mean.

As they happened.

To begin at the beginning.

It was closing time and Joy Kelly

was just finishing up her last set at the piano.

Although I was tired and longed for nothing more

than a quiet brandy at home,

things unfortunately had reached such a deplorable state at the club

that my assistance was desperately required.

Hey, barkeep, how about those drinks?

So I forgot to make the deposit at the bank.

One day's deposit may be overlooked.

But an entire week's worth of receipts?

A day, a week. What's the big deal?

I was gonna take care of it tomorrow.

A week, I might add, in which more money has been spent at the club

than any other this entire fiscal year.

So one Arab spends a little cash. Jeez, everybody goes crazy.

We're just lucky I was able to get as good a CPA as George Wong

to go over the accounts on such short notice.

Higgins, just as long as you're here, tell Joy that today is her last day.

You're firing Joy Kelly?

Yeah.

You can't do that.

She's got three children to feed.

She's got house payments. She's got--

No talent.

Did you hear how she murdered Feelings?

That happens to be my favorite song.

No doubt.

If you want to fire Miss Kelly, you tell her.

Rick, that was Mrs. Halloway.

She's about a quarter mile down the street in a phone booth.

She got a flat tire on her way home.

What am I supposed to do?

Hike through the dark and change it?

She's one of our charter members. We must do something to help.

I got to do everything.

Make the deposits, fire the singer, fix flat tires.

- I'll send Max. - Good.

Give me T.C.'s check.

Thanks.

Well, I'll go see how George is doing with the accounts.

I'll talk to George. You talk to Joy.

Please, Higgins. I don't know how to tell her.

You're really good with words.

Oh, very well.

Thanks, Higgins, thanks. I'll never forget.

I owe you one for this. Thank you.

Miss Kelly.

Oh.

Hi, Higgie, honey.

Miss Kelly.

I'm afraid I have some rather

disappointing news for you.

I didn't get the raise?

Raise?

Ricky promised me a raise.

I'm afraid...

How to soften the blow? I'm afraid you are...

terminated.

Terminated?

Terminated? What do you mean terminated?

We won't be needing you after tonight.

What did I do wrong?

Is it the material? You don't like the material?

No, no. The material, your act is quite adequate.

My piano playing.

I knew I should have took piano lessons.

No, no. It isn't your piano playing.

My costume. You don't like my costume?

Well, perhaps the costume could be a touch more...

More what?

Just more.

Ricky.

Forget it, Joy. If Higgins says you're out, you're out.

You can't fire me. I've never been fired in my whole life.

I'll just quit.

Please, Miss Kelly, try not to take it so hard.

I'll make some phone calls,

see if we can't place you at another club somewhere.

Where?

Well, I don't know.

I do have a friend who owns a club on the Mainland.

- Vegas? - No.

Tahoe? Reno? Atlantic City? Where?

Cleveland.

Freeze suckers.

Move it. Come on, move it.

Move it, come on.

You, too.

Oh, my God.

I met the brigands' threats

with the aplomb and alacrity

that only a man of my considerable experience could summon up.

I bided my time,

picked the exact moment when they were most vulnerable

and nearly succeeded in resolving the situation right then and there.

Hold it!

What's going on here?

These blackguards made a foolish attempt to rob us.

Fortunately, I have everything under control.

Get them over here.

I dare you.

Don't push your luck, sucker.

You aren't man enough to shoot.

Only a craven coward would be pathetic enough to hide behind a pig mask.

Coward.

- Cool it, or I'll-- - Or you'll what?

Take off that absurd disguise and shoot me like a man,

if you dare.

Everybody freeze!

Oh, my!

T.C., go behind the bar and administer first aid.

Yes, sir.

Wait! Hey, shorty, where's the bread?

It's in the office, Mr. Pig. I'll get it for you.

Rick.

I don't want to die.

Come on, shrimp, let's get back there.

Now, may T.C. look after our wounded comrade?

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Gentlemen, and I use that term in its broadest possible sense.

I must inform you that your only rational alternative to lengthy incarceration

is to quickly lay down your weapons.

I will personally see to it that the prosecutors take into consideration

any mitigating circumstances which may have caused you to enter into this

utterly foolhardy and hopeless act.

Now that your ringleader is away

and you have the opportunity to surrender,

I implore you, do so.

What do you say?

Maybe he's got a point.

Maybe we ought to just do as he says.

I don't know.

I better take him in the back and see what the boss says.

Yeah, right.

Let's go, please.

Sorry.

After you, sir.

Dispatch the pig!

Hold it. That's enough.

Nice try, shorty. Now get on your feet.

Oh, my nose.

Come, come, man. Stiff upper lip and all that.

I think I broke my nose.

Don't crack in front of them.

Stop crying, wimp. Sit down.

Go watch the others. I'll get the rest of the money.

I think I've got a plan.

Who cares?

Just follow my lead and we'll trick them into leaving clues all over town.

Higgins, you've got to stop them.

They're gonna take hostages. You've got to do something.

There's no need to take hostages.

That would be a federal offense.

Just take all the cash.

And don't forget to take any negotiable securities

that happen to be lying around.

Like these.

Give me those.

Higgins, it's not like you to make a mistake.

Those aren't negotiable bonds.

They are not?

Hey, look, we are tired of your tricks.

Go get the others and bring them in here.

Okay.

We'll tie them all up together.

And so they tied us up,

took Keoki with them as a hostage, and left us there.

And that's the way it was.

That's it? They tied you up and left you there?

Yep. That's the way I remember it.

Yeah, me, too.

- What kind of rope? - Hemp.

Nylon. Twine.

I don't know, Magnum. They took me with them.

Dumped me a few blocks away.

I called the cops and came back as quick as I could.

- By that time-- - Tanaka and his boys were here.

HIGGINS, RICK AND T.C.: Right.

So, that puts us right back where we started.

No suspects, no nothing.

Oh, we have suspects.

You guys may not realize it,

but you said some things that were very contradictory.

I told you we shouldn't have started to talk about this in the first place.

I didn't say nothing.

Really, Magnum, I don't see how you can come up with any suspects

out of that jumble.

Well, there was Rosine, for instance.

And George Wong.

The three of you guys for that matter, and there's Keoki here.

Keoki? Come on, Thomas, Keoki stood up to those guys.

And the three of us?

A good investigator never overlooks the obvious

and he never even gave me a chance to get to Joy Kelly.

How do you come up with Joy Kelly?

Those little inconsistencies.

Now, it was closing time

and Joy was just finishing her last song:

One For My Baby and One More For The Road.

♪ So set 'em up, Joe ♪

♪ I've got a little story ♪

♪ You ought to know ♪

Wait a minute. She was singing Feelings.

Yeah, he's right.

I heard her. It was kind of a soul version.

Joy Kelly finishes her last set every night with

One For My Baby and One More For The Road.

Everybody knows that.

You're right. But I could've sworn she was singing Feelings.

- That's right. - Oh, yeah?

Why would she change her closing song?

I have no idea why, but I can assure you that's what she was singing.

I've got it.

She was signaling the robbers to tell them that the coast was clear.

Thomas, you're brilliant.

No.

Someone named Spencer Nelson offered her $100 tip to sing Feelings.

Who's Spencer Nelson?

Cattle King from Wichita, Kansas

and a member of the board of directors of this club.

Here on his second honeymoon with his delightful wife, Glenda.

Oh, yeah. The couple in the matching aloha outfit.

So what if she didn't signal the robbers, Higgins.

You have to admit, it was an inconsistency and there are others,

and one of them is going to lead us to our inside man.

Like what?

Like, I'm starting to get the hang of this, Thomas.

Like that lady that you were with.

Yeah, what about her?

Maybe she signaled the robbers when you got up to get her another drink.

Yeah, well, maybe you'd like to think again, lizard lips.

It was my idea for us to meet here.

I had to give her directions.

She had never even heard of the King Kamehameha Club.

Rick, when you went to the bar,

you said Keoki answered the phone.

Yeah. Mrs. Halloway called.

Unless, it wasn't Mrs. Halloway calling at all.

You think someone else called

as a ruse to get rid of the security guard?

Yes.

Who on earth would sound like Mrs. Halloway?

We must ask Keoki if he recognized the voice.

Rick?

George Wong! It's him! It had to be him.

He was as nervous as a ninth grader out on his first date.

It's Wong.

- Wrong. - Look in all the excitement,

I forgot that he put this piece of paper in this pad right before the robbery.

What does it say?

Just the names of all the guys

who were hiding behind the masks, that's all.

Tell me those aren't names?

Sam, Kirby, George Jr.

George Wong's wife is expecting their first child at any moment.

That's why he's nervous.

Those are merely potential names for the child.

Well, he still could be the inside man.

Unless...

You don't think...

No.

No.

I've been looking at this all wrong.

I've been looking at what was different in your stories

instead of what was the same.

Yes, there's no need to go through everything again, is there?

No, not at all. Because the one thing that's exactly the same

in all your stories is what happened to your clothes.

- We didn't tell you that. - I know.

And we aren't going to.

Oh, yes, you are. You have to.

Because somehow, somewhere,

in that piece of the story, that you all left out,

is the clue that's going to lead us to our inside man.

Come on, guys.

Oh, very well.

Higgins.

He's not going to be satisfied until he's wormed it out of us.

We might as well tell him what happened.

You better not embellish on this, Higgins.

I shan't.

Apparently, there was one oversight that our bemasked captors had made.

They neglected to bring any rope.

So they brought all of the others into the room,

ordered us to take our clothes off,

and left us there in that utterly ignoble state.

I hope you're satisfied.

Not yet.

I said take it all off.

Shut up!

Good God, man. You can't be serious.

Do you realize what you're asking us to do?

Have you no sense of human decency?

Of compassion? Of morality?

I, for one, will not meekly submit to this final degradation.

I refuse.

On the other hand, there's no sense in being foolish, is there?

Now put them over there.

Keoki, pick up their clothes on the way out.

Bring them with you.

Wait a minute. Stop!

What?

Go back a little bit. What did he say?

He said, "Keoki, you pick up their clothes and bring them with you."

Are you sure that's exactly what he said?

Yes.

"Keoki, you pick up their clothes and bring them with you."

Yes.

How did Porky know his name?

Oh, so what?

You're way off base this time, Thomas.

I don't think so.

It couldn't have been Keoki. I mean, they knocked him out cold.

Unless they didn't.

No, I saw him.

You also saw something else.

This makeup kit.

That's Joy's.

Or yours.

Is that really a black eye, Keoki,

or just a real good make up job?

Nobody move.

Keoki, how could you do this? I hired you.

Hey, man, I thought we were your friends.

- Hand my gun over. - Hey, don't move any closer.

I don't want to have to hurt you guys.

You've been with the club all these years.

You started out as a janitor, busboy,

worked your way up to desserts,

salads, waiter, head bartender.

I don't understand. Why?

Why would you do such a heinous thing?

Why?

I needed the money.

Keoki...

give me the gun.

Nice going, Magnum.

Astonishing.

Wait a second.

You just happened to drop in at the exact right moment to hear all of this?

He didn't just happened to drop in, T.C.

He knew that it was only a matter of time

before I figured out the true identity of the inside man.

So, naturally, he was standing by to pick him up.

Not exactly.

I kind of felt bad for you holding the bag.

So I had the boys drop me off to give you the final score of the Tigers game.

Tigers, six to five.

Naturally, as a member of the board of directors,

I felt it was incumbent upon me to stay until every possible clue

had been thoroughly examined.

Actually, I was responsible for the really important stuff.

Thank you.

Well, Keoki gave us the names of the three men in masks

and signed a complete confession.

Seems like he had a real gambling problem.

Was in way over his head.

Guy he was into threatened his family,

then gave him an out.

The robbery.

- Yeah. - Funny thing is,

the bet he placed on tonight's Tigers game would've pulled him out.

You should have heard them out there,

both trying to take credit for having solving this thing.

Don't worry, Thomas. I gave a complete statement to the press.

Complete perhaps, hardly accurate.

Don't worry, Higgins. I won't tell anybody you made stuff up.

Well, I guess that's about all we can do here.

It's time for everyone to go home and get some shut eye.

- We could sure all use it. - Wait a minute.

Come on guys, I mean.

So what if the robbers made you take off your clothes.

I mean, why all the secrecy?

I can't see why you wouldn't tell me that.

We did tell you.

Well yeah, but after I practically dragged it out of you.

It's like the three of you had some sort of pact of secrecy

not to tell me the end of the story. What's the big deal?

The big deal is that that's not the end of the story.

Oh. What's the end of the story?

Thomas, you've already solved the crime.

Forget the rest.

Yeah, what's the end of the story?

I believe I could sleep for 48 hours straight.

Can I give anyone a lift?

No thanks, I got the Vanagon outside. Bye.

What's the end of the story?

Hey, forget the end of that story.

It's history.

Magnum, put on a pot of coffee.

We may have a murder to solve.