Original subtitles

Come back here!

We were cleaned out. We've been hit.

Nobody hits a lady.

Anybody got your rent?

Have you ever thought about trying to buy the place?

Why don't you go back to work?

It wasn't my fault. Some jerk put the beer--

In the aisle.

Somebody once described great art

as "an improvement on perfection."

I can't remember if it was Picasso or Higgins.

I felt the satisfaction of the artist with my improvement

on the simple perfection of the beer can.

This wasn't just a stack of cheap six-packs.

Here we had A study in Day-N-Dark Extra Light by T. Magnum,

signed and dated.

Magnum, that'll last about 10 minutes.

You've got the beer curving out into the aisle

where some klutz is bound to knock it over.

Look, Magnum, if you must play at being an employee,

at least try to be convincing.

Okay, fine, so you don't like me being here, fine,

but don't blow my cover.

I'm doing my best to look legit.

Legit Day-N-Dark employees do not waste their time

trying to make beer cans look like Rodin.

Rodin? You really think it's that good?

I really think

that I am really upset that our corporate brains

chose to put a beach boy turned private eye into my store.

- Now, hold on. I am-- - That I cannot change.

But, I can remind you

that you were not commissioned to do a sculpture,

you were hired to investigate the robberies.

So, investigate.

It wasn't my fault. Some jerk put the beer--

In the aisle.

Yes, I know.

Get the mop, Magnum. Your sculpture's leaking.

I want a strawberry cup-a-dream.

Please.

Please.

And some more quarters.

Have a nice day.

No, wait!

Come back with my quarters.

Come back here!

Jeanie, look what you're doing.

What's he doing?

Are you all right? Anybody hurt?

Oh, no, no. We're fine.

What have they done to my display?

Oh, it's not their fault. It's the kid and that guy in the Street Rod.

Are you ladies all right? Should I call an ambulance?

Oh, no. No, we're all right.

I'm awfully sorry. I meant to hit the brake.

- You're getting all wet. - Oh, well...

Look, if you'll take care of the ladies, I'll go call the police.

Police?

Nobody is going anywhere, until I find out who's responsible for this.

- I told you, the guy with the-- - We are taking the total responsibility.

Oh, you don't have to do that. It's not your fault.

Did you get a license number?

- No, the guy peeled out of here - Oh!

Look, Miss Wilcox,

it was a 1969 Camaro Street Rod, electric blue.

Now, how many of those are there on the island?

No, wait. I think the car was green.

Yes, I'm sure of it.

Teal would be more precise, Madge.

No, it was blue.

That-that loud glow-in-the-dark paint.

I think it just looked blue in the sunlight.

Teal has a funny way of--

Name?

What are you doing?

I have to fill out a report for Day-N-Dark. It's procedure.

Procedure?

Miss Wilcox, we're getting drenched out here.

- LaSalle. - What?

LaSalle. Our name.

- Capital L-A- - I know how to spell it.

Miss Wilcox, you take care of the really important stuff.

I'm gonna call the water department and get that thing shut off,

then I'm gonna call the police before the guy in the Camaro--

Are you sure it was a Camaro? All these cars look so much alike.

- I'm sure. - Of course, you're sure.

But it doesn't really matter because we're taking total responsibility

for all of the damages.

Good. Name of insurance company?

Do you think you could call us a taxi? I think the engine's flooded.

Look, don't you worry about a thing.

I'm going to personally see to it that we find that guy with the Street Rod.

Oh, no, no.

Now, we've decided that we're not really sure

about the make of the car,

and, besides, we don't want to get involved with anything awkward.

But it wasn't your fault

and you don't have to get involved. I'll be discreet.

See, I'm a private investigator.

- Bless your heart. - What?

Don't give up your dreams.

Madge wanted to be a ballerina, I wanted to be a pilot.

You want to be a private investigator, be a private investigator.

No, no, no. Listen, 19 of those Day-N-Dark stores

have been robbed in the last three months.

No M.O., no clues, no nothing.

They just turn around, and the money is gone.

So I'm there to investigate.

That's what investigators do, you understand?

Of course.

Only don't let it interfere with your job.

Well...

This is it. It's quite a mess.

But, then, old troupers are used to roughing it.

Troupers?

Nearly all of us here were in the business. Entertainers.

Jeanie and I were actresses for a while.

Can't you come in for a minute?

- Oh, no, I've got to get back. - Oh, just for five minutes?

For milk and cookies?

We'd love to give you something for bringing us home.

Well, five minutes.

Hello, everybody.

Jeanie, did you get him?

Yes.

Johnny, at least you could comment on our news.

- We wrecked the car. - Okay. Okay.

Oh, Herman, here's your music.

I got Larry Parrish. That's the whole team.

- Texas Ranger fan? - Parrish.

I've been trying to get this card for months.

It's too bad we didn't meet sooner. I've got two Parrishes.

You got any Tigers up for trade?

Are you kidding? Who collects Detroit?

Wait a minute. I collect Detroit.

Then you got a problem.

All right. I'll save you my Detroit stuff.

Thanks.

How can they get the nerve to call this "The Game of the Week"?

Seattle versus Minnesota.

Dull, but never mind.

My kid's sending me the money to get cable.

Oh, Johnny, it came.

- The money from your son. - Really?

I don't suppose he sent you your rent?

Anybody got your rent?

Rent money?

Just one of you. It'll make my day.

Oh, no. Mr. Cole, please.

This is right on half a month, Johnny.

You're still a month and a half behind

and he's the closest to being paid up.

- I guess you're the landlord? - No, I'm not the landlord.

I'm Harvey Cole, the agent for the owners.

Who are trying to sell this place right out from under us.

They're not even gonna carry you that long.

The owners have decided that they would rather have the place empty

than to pay the electric bill for a bunch of deadbeats.

You all have till after the Labor Day weekend

to get paid up or hit the street.

Mr. Cole, no. That's only three days.

Three and a half,

and between you all, you owe $1,800.

$1,750.

Come on, Harvey, that's his cable money.

They don't hook up cable to a park bench,

which is where he's gonna be on Tuesday.

I'll save you the trouble of telling the rest of the sponges.

What a dump!

No wonder, they can't sell it.

I hear that.

Jeanie,

do any of you have the back rent money?

- Tommy, you're being indelicate. - No. I'm being realistic.

How do you expect to pay, for the damages you did

when you're having trouble meeting the rent?

Tommy, we have auto insurance.

We do not have rent insurance.

Now, really, this is none of your affair

so why don't you go back to the store

before somebody misses you. Now, come on.

Go on, Tommy, go.

I felt as if I'd just been to my family reunion.

I knew everybody in that hotel room by a different name.

Even Harvey, reminded me of my Uncle Richie,

kind of the black sheep of our family who made his living playing cards.

Anyway, even though Madge and Jeanie had an unerring knack

for making me feel like a 10-year-old, I wanted to help them out.

I mean, everybody should do their bit in a family crisis.

So, I spent the rest of the day driving by garages

that serviced high-performance Street Rods.

I know what you're thinking, and you're right.

My chances of running across that car were next to impossible,

but my Uncle Richie always told me

"Expect to get lucky and you will."

Hey, man,

don't mess with my car.

Your car? Were you at the Day-N-Dark on Kuhio?

Tommy, it's quite theatrical, but not very logical.

Jeanie...

I don't think the man in the teal car meant to harm you in any way.

Jeanie, please...

would you mind not calling me Tommy?

Tommy is a little boy with an all-day sucker.

Tommy, please. Please, dear, come and sit down.

Your career goals are important to you.

You know, your detective thing.

So, it's quite understandable

that you wish to turn a harmless prank

into a television drama.

It wasn't a prank.

The guy who caused your accident just--

Gave you a bad paint job. Yes, you've said that.

So, did you ask the owner of the garage

if he knew the man in the teal car?

Blue. It was blue and there was no one else there.

Then you should have waited for someone to come back.

Why come here?

Because I thought you might be interested.

Fine, fine, never mind. It doesn't matter.

Because I have the license number

of the Street Rod and I'll just...

Wait a minute.

It was "M." M-E...

M-E-A...

Herman!

The carpenter will be here at 10:00 on Monday to fix the stair railing.

Don't want anyone to hurt yourself when you're moving your stuff out.

I'm deadly serious, people. Tuesday.

This receipt for the $50 I got yesterday, Wells.

I was wrong. You're still two months behind.

Wells? No wonder, he's a Texas Ranger fan.

Johnnie, you know, the Rangers are okay, but...

I lived in Virginia

and I don't think I ever got over the Senators leaving Washington.

Oh, come on.

The wisest thing they ever did was moving the franchise to Texas.

The Senators were never great.

No. No, but they had some pretty good ball players over the years.

Walter Johnson, Frank Howard, Mickey Vernon and a second baseman

named Johnnie Wells.

I saw you play.

It was June 10, 1952.

It was the second major league game I ever saw.

- Did I have a good day? - "O" for four.

But you got on twice. It was an error and a walk

and you-you pulled off a couple of miraculous steals.

That was the year you led the league with 46. You hit 381.

No, no, no. 281. I never hit over 300.

Johnnie, I got your card. It's on the back.

- You got that card? - Yeah.

That's the one. The misprint.

It says 381 instead of 2.

Oh, man, are you lucky. That little jewel's worth over $50.

I sold mine last year.

You sold your own card?

Yeah.

For $50 worth of spending money, huh, I should be sentimental?

Diabetes. Every little bit helps.

Whee! Another home run.

Girls...

how long has this place been on the market?

Almost a year.

Which means it's not exactly the hottest listing in town, am I right?

So...

have you ever thought about trying to buy the place?

Tommy, what a nice suggestion. Why don't you go back to work?

No, no, just listen to me.

You have to come up with $1,800 by Tuesday, regardless, right?

So, instead of using the money for the rent,

you just walk in, make a viable bid

with earnest money, and the owners are bound to jump at it.

With business logic like that,

you'll never be president of Day-N-Dark.

It could work.

We're all on rigid fixed incomes here.

And we're not fund raisers.

Would you like to meet a guy who is?

LaSalle, that name seems so familiar to me.

Of course we do carry the name of a famous French explorer

and of a very fine car.

Both dead for some years now.

Yes, of course. Well...

But, we've never met?

Oh, I'm sorry, no. I feel confident we would remember.

Yes, of course.

Ladies, let me just say that I am most sympathetic to your plight.

However, Magnum's suggestion that we hold a Bingo Bazaar

on the Robin Masters' estate

is out of the question, I'm afraid.

Of course, Mr. Higgins.

We tried to talk him out of it, but Tommy does get so excited.

Yes, I'm well aware of that.

Now if we could stage an event with a proper decorum,

perhaps a bridge tournament at the Yacht Club--

One! One.

M-E-A-1. Two more to go.

Oh, dear, are we back to the man in the hot rod again?

Tommy, wouldn't you like to go outside and play?

What a beautiful volume. Poetry?

No, it's nothing really. Just a little diary I keep.

Wonderful penmanship.

The Crisis in the Suez by Jonathan Quayle Higgins.

- Just a little diary? - Well...

Yes, I do like to jot down my past remembrances from time to time.

My husband was in the Suez during the trouble there.

Good heavens, what was his name?

Gordon Archer.

My God.

He had that effect on many people.

I only knew your husband by reputation.

But Gordon Archer was legendary in his own time.

I was very proud of him.

And we had such wonderful times together.

I remember one particularly exciting experience

crossing the Zambezi, just north of the Mozambique Channel.

Archer was risking everything to take me to safety.

Madge...

Magnum, how incredibly rude, even for you.

I'm sorry, Madge, but it's Saturday.

We have to raise the money by Tuesday.

Madge tells stories like you tell stories, Higgins.

One story apiece and we're non-stop into Wednesday afternoon.

It is impossible to arrange a bridge tournament by Tuesday.

So, invite the same philanthropic people

who play "tax deductible" bridge over to play "tax deductible" bingo.

The only difference will be instead of trumping or bidding,

you put cute little kernels of corn on a piece of paper.

Please?

Even though I never met Gordon Archer, we stood inches apart one evening

as we fought for our very lives.

Higgins! Tuesday.

Magnum, we will have the bingo gala, Monday afternoon at 1:00.

Now, please go and find something to do.

Thank you. Keep that Day-N-Dark smile.

Pickled egg, please?

T.C., no.

Come on, can't you come up with another joke?

I mean, three days in a row.

Besides, you know I hate to fish those stinky things out.

- I hate them. - Pickled egg, please.

What the hell are you doing? We have a store full of customers.

Why aren't you watching them?

Because I'm watching this, Miss Wilcox.

Please, not now.

There.

$.59.

How stupid of me. I must've forgotten my wallet.

T.C.!

Come back here.

Magnum.

Fifty-nine cents.

Come on, guys, cut the fifth grade comedy routine.

Day-N-Dark was hit for the 20th time this morning.

- Here? - No, not here. I was here.

It was store number 27 on the Lia.

The same as usual.

The cash register was emptied out without a clue,

the customers were clean.

Well, I guess, you got to get to the other stores more often, T.M.

That's it. Great cover.

You can drop into any Day-N-Night

as the official pickled egg pronger.

That's cute, T.C. Real cute. Rick, what about Ice Pick?

- What about him? - Well, Ronnie's speed shop?

You promised me he'd lean on the owner, for info on his employees.

Thomas, Ice Pick wants a fee.

- How much? - Well, it's really nothing.

He just wants an invite to your bingo game.

What?

Oh, come on, Thomas, it means a lot to Ice Pick.

He used to be a bingo caller in the old days

and he wants to be seen at a function like this.

No, not Ice Pick. Rick, this is strictly a class event.

You know, the Higgins Hot 100.

Okay, just forget it.

No Ice Pick invite, no info.

Follow that car.

Right!

And Rick... Hey, Rick! Rick, I wanna go with you!

You don't know why I want you to follow him!

Rick!

I want four quarters

and the price of a tank full of Strawberry Dream.

I wasn't stealing from the jar. I was just making change.

Oh, yeah? How do you make change for four cents?

- Magnum? - What?

I've got the little thief.

No, you don't.

Pay up.

Please, mister. Don't hit me anymore.

I'll do anything you say, but just don't hit me.

Hey, you hit the kid?

No, of course not.

Yes, he did, sir, but it wasn't his fault.

I was stealing for my pregnant sister. She's got nothing to eat.

Oh, come on.

- Did you hit the kid? - No, he hit me.

- Magnum! - What?

- This is the sister? - No.

Miss Wilcox, will you please explain to him

that I did not hit this brat. What?

We've been robbed. Where'd he go? What?

Hey, Skeeter, got a real pervert here.

He hits kids.

With you standing right here solving the cookie jar crime,

we were cleaned out.

The cash register's empty. We've been hit.

You hit the kid and the lady?

Of course not. Nobody hit anybody.

Yes, we were. Just now.

Nobody hits a lady.

He bothers you again, you come and see me.

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

You've made a mess of everything.

Me?

Wait a minute, will you?

Just hold all the customers, I'll question them.

Surprise. There's nobody in there.

Failure's a funny thing.

A baby learns to walk by falling down.

A child learns to swim by almost drowning.

And what kid hits the ball the first time he swings a bat?

Aha!

So, why is it that the older we get,

the harder it is to deal with the lessons of failure?

Right after the robbery,

the Day-N-Dark head office advised me

that I was fired.

But I still had some people who were counting on me,

including a great base stealer in a squeeze.

It made the momentary failure easier to handle.

Magnum, there you are.

We've run into a bit of a snag, I'm afraid.

Higgins, this is much more important than your Bingo Bazaar.

There's a problem with the bingo party?

Nothing that can't be resolved.

- Thomas-- - Just a second.

You are still planning on having it?

Of course, but Agatha's having difficulty finding the corn kernels

for the bingo tokens.

I risk life and limb to get this license plate number for you

- and you wanna talk corn? - You got the number?

I lost him halfway to Pearl, but I got it.

Agatha came up with what I consider a charming suggestion.

- Simple little pearl buttons. - That's wrong.

I think "wrong" is a bit of an overstatement.

I know you were very specific in requesting corn. Maize.

But I think the buttons would do quite nicely.

No, no. He got the wrong number. You chased the wrong car.

Oh, sure. It's my fault.

Maybe the guy changed plates, or maybe he's got a matching set

of '69 Street Rods.

All I know is, this is the number of the car you told me to follow.

Imitation pearl, of course. They're relatively--

- All right, you're right. - Splendid.

There's gotta be an explanation.

I don't think that's necessary. I'll call Agatha right away.

Oh, yeah, Higgins. You take care of that.

Listen, can you get me the registration?

- How am I supposed to do that? - Ice Pick.

I'm afraid he didn't get an invitation to the Bingo game.

Higgins. Higgins.

You really do have to invite a fellow named Ice Pick to the party.

I'm terribly sorry, but the guest list is complete

and I'm not familiar with the name Ice Pick.

- A pseudonym for a shy patron? - Yeah, something like that.

He's from an old, established Chicago family

and he's willing to make a sizeable donation.

Really? Which family?

Their name is very respected. They're big in cement.

Just have him here at 1:00 in formal attire.

Now, if you will both excuse me,

I have something really important to take care of.

What sort of a man chooses the name Ice Pick?

Isn't it terrific? It arrived late last night.

Has to be from my kid.

Did I tell you he still lives in Washington?

Yeah?

Hey, Johnnie,

I've got a little gift for you, too,

I mean, it can't compare with the TV, but...

- My '52 card. - Yeah.

The misprint.

No, go on, take it back.

Don't go around giving away $50.

No, I'm getting a million out of giving it to you.

- Just don't sell it. - Sorry.

This card is worth two months of cable.

Johnnie, I've kept that card for over 30 years.

Yeah, I know, and you go on keeping it.

For you, this is a prize possession. That means a lot to me.

But all it is to Johnnie Wells is $50.

Why, my dear, not working this afternoon?

I was fired.

Well, I'm sorry to say it, I'm not surprised.

You must end your involvement with our problems.

We're doing just fine.

Now, call Miss Wilcox and tell her that you're sorry

and that you really want to do better.

Have your kicks, Herman, it doesn't get to me.

Will you look at that? Do you believe it?

Okay, Johnnie, it goes. No.

Come on. Harvey, that TV is not going anywhere.

- His son gave it to him. - So?

I got my orders, and these guys with me got a big truck.

We're here to get the piano that Herman's nephew bought,

the recliner that David's ex-agent bought,

and the brand new $500 TV set that Johnnie's son bought.

- The owners said, "confiscate." - The owners can't confiscate.

- It's illegal. - This'll say it's legal.

Thought they had until Tuesday?

Read it and weep.

- How do I know this is real? - Call your lawyer.

We don't have a lawyer.

Aw.

We can't call a lawyer, Harvey. It's Sunday.

Start with the piano, then the TV.

Harvey.

Thank you.

All right, everyone,

get your cards and your buttons ready,

and let's begin.

How is it going, Higgins?

Splendidly, considering your Mr. Ice Pick

cancelled on us at the last moment.

We're just fortunate Agatha was available to fill in.

Yeah, well, he felt real bad about that. He had to fly out.

Contract dispute.

So, what's the take?

The "take"?

I think we're all wondering if we've reached the 3,000 mark.

Well, the total at this hour is $32,000--

$32,000?

- What? - Oh.

- Thank you, Mr. Higgins. - We don't know what to say.

Well, that's just the total without taking into account the debit factor.

The grand prize still has to come out of the gross receipts.

- $10,000. - $10,000!

Higgins, why? The grand prize is for the coverall finale.

The winner must cover every number on the card.

That's crazy. It'll take all day.

The numerical possibilities allow for a game of 45 minutes at the outside.

I assume you'll both be purchasing cards?

No, not me.

Like I told Madge and Jeanie, I never win at these things.

Mr. Calvin, it's for a good cause.

It really is.

Under the "G" as in George, 51.

Bingo.

Bingo! Oh, how wonderful. We have a winner.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Agatha, you've done a superb job.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

It's time for the grand finale of the Bingo Gala.

This will be the coverall novelty match

in which the winning player

must cover every number on the card, not just a single line

for a grand prize of $10,000.

Is everyone seated comfortably? Then let's begin.

G-51.

Under the "G," 51.

Odd, I once had occasion to use that exact combination

in connection with a secret code in a fleet of submarines.

I had the misfortune of landing in the middle of a herd of goats

during the second World War when Clive Krefting,

the pilot was rendered unconscious, by a gunshot wound.

Although, I had no previous training in landing such an aircraft,

I did manage to...

But, perhaps, this isn't the time for such recollections.

That was B-13.

Forty-five minutes on the outside,

just inside of four hours. This must be a world record.

Please watch your cards. We must have a winner.

N-37.

N-37.

- N-37! - You won?

T.C., you won. N-37.

I won?

"N-37."

I won.

I won!

I never won anything, since I won an Ellery Queen decoder ring

when I was seven years old!

$10,000!

I won! I won!

Look, you know, I've always wondered what I would do

if I came into a large sum of money.

Maybe, I'll make the down payment on a house.

A down payment on a new helicopter, or maybe expand my business.

Travel. Rio, Mardi Gras.

But, shoot. If I did that, I'd have to come up with...

a whole new bunch of dreams.

So, if it's all the same with you guys,

I'd rather give my $10,000 prize

to the Fountainbleu Residence Purchase Fund.

Oh.

$39,617.

Those little failure clouds were starting to blow away.

True, I'd lost a day and a half

trying to track down Madge and Jeanie's property,

but, finally, I'd hit pay dirt.

The goods were on their way back to the hotel.

And in about an hour,

I would take Madge and Jeanie to put a down payment on the Fountainbleu.

The only dark cloud left was the Day-N-Dark robberies.

I knew there was a thread somewhere, something simple that I'd overlooked.

But I couldn't think what it was.

Yeah, Thomas, I heard from Ice Pick.

He got the registration on the car.

Yeah?

Only thing is, it's kind of weird.

It doesn't make any sense.

What? What?

The Camaro belongs to a guy named Billy Princeton,

but here's the weird part, the plates on it belong to a '38 Caddy

and it's registered to a Jeanine K. and Margaret L. LaSalle.

...a '38 Caddy and it's registered to a Jeanine K.

and Margaret L. LaSalle.

Thomas, those are the LaSalle sisters.

Perhaps the plates were stolen from Madge and Jeanie's car.

It doesn't make sense.

He nearly runs two ladies over

and then tracks them down and steals their plates?

I see your point.

Madge and Jeanie did not want me to trace that car.

They know the guy.

- Who are you calling? - The LaSalle sisters.

- Hello? - Johnnie? It's me, Tommy.

May I speak to Madge or Jeanie for a minute?

Magnum, aren't they with you?

I haven't seen them since before the bingo party yesterday.

They didn't come back here last night.

Herman said they were waiting to see you.

We figured you might have asked them to stay over.

Magnum, where are they?

They were carrying $39,000.

Something must have happened to them.

- I'm calling the cops. - No.

Just give me a couple of hours, I think I know where they might be.

I'll call you as soon as I find them.

Magnum, there's something you ought to see.

- What? - My old yearbook.

Higgins, not now.

This is regarding the LaSalle sisters.

I first saw them 37 years ago this July.

And?

Do you recall that when the sisters first came to tea,

I had the curious sensation of having known them before?

What's your point, Higgins? I'm in a hurry.

The LaSalle sisters were performers.

This is the theatre program from Blackpool,

the summer I completed my upper second at Sandhurst.

My father felt that some sort of family celebration

of my accomplishment was in order, although,

of course, I never admitted this to Father,

Blackpool was a bit gaudy, by my standards.

They were quick change artists.

Well, that's hardly the description for a classic performance.

They presented a unique multi-charactered mime.

Just the two of them.

Quite an extraordinary display of...

Ollie, it isn't fair of you to ask this of us.

And not very bright.

The cash registers were one thing,

but, $150,000 is a very serious crime.

Girls, believe me, now this is fair. And you owe me.

Why do you think I didn't turn you in after the first robbery, huh?

All these other jobs, they were just a warm-up for this one.

Forget it.

Okay.

You really wanna forget it, huh?

That bingo money belongs to Johnnie

and Herman and all the other people at the Fountainbleu.

And they'll get it back just as soon as you pull this job.

Ollie...

there aren't going to be any guns.

Promise me.

I promise. No guns.

Footnote to the dissertation on failure.

My little voice had convinced me

that all my failures of the last few days had been carefully planned.

It was also saying,

"Thomas, despite what the LaSalle sisters have led you to believe,

you are a functioning adult, and proving it is sometimes

very painful."

- Please, go away. - I want to buy something.

What time's the big pick up?

What are you talking about?

Miss Wilcox,

I happen to know that Day-N-Dark is too cheap to pay armed guards

overtime for holidays. Too cheap?

Which means that all the money from all the stores is in one location.

One guard.

It's here, isn't it?

They come for the money at 12:00, but I don't need any help.

You have been replaced by a very competent Day-N-Dark security guard.

- Where is he? - In the back.

Fine.

I'll need to see those reports that I left behind on the robberies.

You know, the photos, police interviews, all of that.

You did not leave the reports, Magnum.

You were asked to return them after you were fired.

Miss Wilcox, please.

You have over $150,000 in your office.

If that money is stolen,

I don't think your bosses are gonna be too happy with you.

So, can I please see those police reports?

No.

Yes, may I help you?

$1.98.

All right, let's see, that's $1.98 a pound.

This is $3.49.

$5.67.

Thank you.

- You stole the reports. - Here.

It didn't seem important at the time,

but it happened at every one of the robberies.

"10:05, nun slipped on wet floor.

Cash register attendant ran to her assistance.

10:09, attendant returned to find register empty.

2:16, elderly man fainted.

Day-N-Dark attendant called paramedics,

returning to find cash register empty."

All right, proving what?

Proving...

Proving that none of us are infallible when it comes to judging character.

Oh, I knocked down...

Oh. Oh, my knee.

Nice move, Madge.

Although, I thought the nun's outfit was a nicer touch.

Yeah, how's this for a nice touch, huh?

- Ollie, you promised. No guns. - Hey, I lied.

You dirty rat. You promised no guns.

How dare you bring a gun in here?

He's the one.

You stinking raccoon!

How dare you bring a gun in here?

You promised.

I still don't see why you had to call the police right away.

A crime has been committed, or perhaps you didn't notice.

Of course I noticed.

Well, if you don't mind,

I would like to finish my report before they get here.

Ollie was the guard

at the very first Day-N-Dark we tried to rob.

Jeanie was a high school boy getting a soft drink.

I was a housewife waiting to check out.

Ollie was outside waiting for us by our car.

He said, "High school boys don't wear cameo rings."

It always worked best when I played the men.

After that first time, Oliver actually hit the registers.

Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that you took the money.

They'll give it back.

Well, I'm not so sure about that.

It's all gone. Little expenses, damage to the car.

The color TV, and Herman's piano,

and the cable money, and the stereo for Millie.

You guys bought those things and told the people at the hotel

it was from their relatives, right?

You forgot David's recliner and Margaret's gall bladder,

Duke's heart pacer, and Ralph's cordless telephone.

Oh, we made sure everybody got something.

I can understand the operations.

But why didn't you pay your rent, instead of buying toys?

Toys?

But they're just as important as operations, the rent.

Sometimes health and having a place to live aren't important

unless you have a reason to live.

Take Johnnie Wells.

How long do you think he'd survive without his love for baseball?

A television set is just as important to his life

as a new heart pacer is to Duke's.

And Herman,

take away his piano, and he'll turn into a vegetable.

No way to communicate,

nothing to live for.

We're here for the suspects.

Ladies, no matter how noble your motive,

it was still stealing.

Miss Wilcox. Heather, please,

we've got the bingo money from Oliver.

They've got $40,000.

They can pay back every cent they've stolen and Oliver's share,

and besides, they did assist in stopping the big heist.

No, dear, she's right.

We committed a crime and we must pay.

I just wondered, if we could

just change our clothes before they take us away.

Oh,

when the store gets back its money,

would you take the rest to Johnnie?

They can still make a down payment on the hotel.

You can give it to him yourselves.

Oh, I'm not so sure, Thomas.

We're going to be away for a long, long time.

That's ridiculous, you're...

You called me Thomas.

Naturally.

Tommy's a little boy with an all-day sucker.

Thomas...

is much more fitting for a private investigator.

We'll be right back.

Oh, well, I hope you're happy. They got away.

Do you realize how many forms I'm going to have to fill out for this?

Why is it my fault?

You're the one who said they could change their clothes.

Oh, sure, try to shift the responsibility. How like you.

Me?

Me? You don't even know me.