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What the fuck is that?

-What the hell? -Is that a...?

Scar to Pride Rock.

We have a visual on Chardonnay, I repeat...

I repeat, we have a visual on Chardonnay, over.

Chardonnay?

We've been trying to find this little shit for days now.

Simba to Scar, what is your location? Over.

Shit. West side of the koppies. Over.

Copy that. I'm there in five. Over.

Not if I beat you.

-Aunty... -Huh?

Hold on tight. We need to make like we have the shits and move.

Okay...

Change of plan, folks.

We have a very rare sighting on the other side of the park, so...

Hold on to your horses!

Let's get dressed!

Hold tight, hold tight...

Vroom vroom, girlfriend.

Albie, you little shit!

Submarine Mode!

Hold on to your tits!

Hold on!

-Stoffel! -Yes?

We ride together, we die together!

Bad boys for life!

Bad boys for life, at just 20 kilometres per hour.

Man, shut up!

We're okay, Aunty.

See, there they are!

We're going to catch them! It's okay, Aunty!

You guys see the buck?

We're going to catch them!

Damnit!

-Come on, Trompie, come on! -Hey Albie...

Just remember, we have animals here.

Yes, yes, yes. Forget about the animals.

Are you ready? Overtake!

-Shit! -Nice, Nicola!

What?

Pride Rock to everyone, Nala here, over.

Nala! Pumba here! The bush is empty without you. Over.

I miss you guys and the bush.

What's all the commotion?

It's that little shit of a dog, Chardonnay...

He's here in the veld. Over.

Wait, you're going to break it...

Embeth, give it to me!

Damn it.

How many times do I have to tell you...

don't race in the reserve, you're scaring the animals.

And drop the code names. This isn't Disney Land.

Over and out.

Ugh, fuck it!

Oh, damnit!

Dude... seriously?

I forgot to put the thing on silent.

It's 2025.

The last time I heard my own ringtone

was when I had a Nokia 3310.

Dude, it was my mom, okay. Don't make a fucking scene now.

Not today, Chardonnay.

No, really boys...

Clearly you guys didn't serve on the Border.

Yeah...

Speaking of which...

Here comes old 'Hang Ball'.

Mufasa for Pride Rock... ugh!

I mean, Cobus for Main Lodge.

The mission flopped.

It's a fuck up. Over.

Bloody bunch of hooligans. Behaving like school children.

And you encourage them with those code names.

It builds team spirit.

Let me do my rounds before I shit on everyone, yet again.

Yeah...

Dad would've enjoyed this.

So, why did your mom call you so early?

Or was it a 'booty-call' again?

Wasn't your nickname, er... 'Sasol'?

-'A pump in every town'. -Dude... It was my mom, okay.

-Is everything okay? -Yeah, everything's fine.

Hey, hold this.

So beautiful!

The man's snapping flowers again.

It can only mean one thing.

-Man, it's nothing. -Dude...

Do you still think you have a shot with the boss' sister?

So, what if I do?

Every year it's the same fucking story with you.

You fall head over heels in love with a girl

who doesn't even look your way when she walks past you.

She actually looks the other way!

You wouldn't understand.

Dude...

can't you see it?

She's not interested!

Women aren't looking for men who...

write them poems all day and take pictures of wildflowers.

They want an alpha.

Who can dick them down...

and tame them.

Well I'm...

looking with my heart and my soul.

You... you're looking with your dick.

Yeah...

I give up with you, dude.

Well...

more for me then.

Anel?!

-Anel! -Afternoon, Wikus.

-Anel! -Hello.

Please tell me you've found my little Chardonnay?

Yes! He was spotted near the waterhole.

But, he managed to evade my rangers before they could get to him.

Oh, be still my heart!

48 hours of non-stop longing pain. I can't take it any more!

Ma'am you have to stay strong for Champagne's sake.

His name is Chardonnay!

It's a beautiful name.

He's named after my sister.

We don't really talk any more.

Yes, sisters can be complicated.

Anyway... yesterday, I left his favourite salmon bites by my door

in case it lures him home.

Oh... he can't sleep without his salmon bites.

But, those bloody vervets devoured everything!

They're a bunch of assholes!

Well, lots can be said about a dog who can survive for so long.

on his own

It definitely speaks to his superior breeding... and training.

I did send him to obedience school.

You see! A brave dog.

Can I offer you some freshly squeezed juice?

Oh, no, no, no! That stuff tastes like bleach.

It burns when it goes down.

I'm sorry to say, but it does.

You must tell your kitchen manager about that.

Okay.

How can one sleep when one's baby is missing?

With all the horrors that lurk out there at night?

I think of his soft little paws...

out there on the scorching hot earth.

And how he has to drink from those disgusting mud pools

when he's used to Woolies Sparkling!

'Sparkling'!

I called the spa...

for a full-body treatment.

Head to toe, very relaxing.

I think it's exactly what you need right now.

What do you say?

Alright, then.

Right this way...

Hello.

Hi.

Don't you knock? I almost grabbed the pistol.

You must see what I snapped for you on our drive this morning.

Check this out.

-Isn't it pretty? -Wow, it's...

it is actually pretty.

It made me think of you in a way...

because... it's so strong...

and pretty, like you.

-I wrote a poem-- -Oh, Marco, um...

This

all of this...

me and you...

It's not going to happen.

Okay. I'm really not looking for anything serious. So...

-Just listen to the first part-- -Marco...

-I could always mail it to you... -I really don't want to...

Have you lost something?

No?

I was just quickly showing Embeth a photo...

that I took in the veld--

Well, do you have work to do or not?

Um...

Your behaviour...

earlier today was just... again... totally unacceptable.

You drive around like hooligans. Call each other nicknames

like nursery school children, and drink with the guests.

Oh, and not to mention the ridiculous flirting.

It's unprofessional and just plain common.

You can't even catch a little mongrel.

And now I'm stuck with Mrs van der Merwe

because she refuses to leave until her f... mutt...

-is found. -That dog's lion food.

It's fucking crazy that they allowed her to-

Attention! Attention, please.

Thank you.

I've had enough with your attitude,

treating my lodge as if it's your playground.

This is my business, and you all work here.

So, I spoke with HR today

and there will be no more warnings.

If I catch a hint of anything inappropriate,

you'll be fired on the spot,

and I'll make sure your name's blacklisted throughout the industry.

Is that clear?

Yes, Anel!

-I can't hear you. -Yes, Anel.

Okay...

That's all.

Yup!

Um, Anel... about the guests...

-Embeth... -Ooh...!

are you busy?

My phone is ringing.

-Oh. -Hello?

Oh... it's a delivery, um...

have you guys arrived? Yes. No, I'm coming.

We'll chat later... Chat later...

Yes I'm coming, I'm coming.

-Mommy! -My baby!

I'm so sorry...

I was about to call you back, how're you doing?

Um, fine, fine... how are you my boy?

Ah, good, good.

You know the bush is my favourite place on earth, so...

it's going well. We're having fun.

Lots of hard work.

That's so good... how's your Afrikaans?

Well...

The dogs bark, the cats meow, and...

degrees of comparison.

How're you doing, Mums?

Uh, well, uh...

My boy, I've got some bad news.

Oh, no. What's wrong, Mom?

It's... it's the cancer...

I need to go back.

I thought the medical aid would cover the...

Oh, no, Mommy.

Mommy, please, don't cry.

I hate to ask you for money...

It's fine, please, just don't cry...

I'm so sorry...

Mom, it's okay. Listen, I've got it.

It's almost the end of the season and I'm gonna roll in the tips.

You just focus on getting better and...

-Okay. -I'll sort out the rest, okay?

-Thank you, thank you, my boy. -Mommy...

-I'm so sorry. -It's okay, I've got you.

-Thank you, my baby. -We're together in this, remember.

-Okay. Thank you, Baby. -I love you, Mom.

-Is everything okay? -Yes, yes, everything's fine.

It was my Mom.

Uh-huh! Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Shit!

Enjoy the evening game drive, everyone. We'll see you at dinner.

Have you perhaps seen my dog? His name is Chardonnay.

Please call me if you see him. Just look in the bushes, you hear?

When you're on the... And, you too, please.

You're supposed to be looking for my dog.

-We are on it. -I hope so, it's been a week already!

Um... Sorry, ma'am.

-My dog is missing. -Oh, no!

-It's terrible, terrible! -I'm sorry.

A French Bulldog.

If you see him, you know, he's supposed to be looking for my dog

-Ma'am, we'll get him, okay? -Yeah, I hope so!

Thank you. Just phone me!

Okay, lovely people!

Let's make our way to the vehicles, please!

Just keep your hands in the vehicle at all times,

please, ladies and gents, and make sure...

you don't fall out.

In the old days, it was different.

Guests, staff... it didn't matter.

Now you just look the wrong way and HR wants to see you.

Calm down, Boomer.

Next you're going to tell us, um...

the vaccine gives us 5G.

But it does!

Don't you watch the videos I send you?

Don't listen to Grandpa.

Go for the weak and sick,

it's the best technique.

Remember, the ugly birds

also need to be taken care of.

No, I think one must just be a little more flexible.

-Just, go where the wind blows. -Pardon me?

Yeah... this one swings both ways.

Little carpet-muncher.

Bloody greedy if you ask me.

You can also do it. If you want to. Don't be jealous.

So how do you do it?

How do I do, what?

Well, do you approach the men and the lesbians the same?

Okay...

Okay, Stoffel.

So...

straight men feel intimidated by strong women, right?

They want to be the hunter. The lion.

So, you play the little antelope and laugh at their shit jokes

and say, "Yes, that is a Kudu",

when you know that it's a Nyala.

Okay...

And what about the lesbians?

This I want to hear.

Um, so you approach the girls

with more of an alpha personality.

Yes? You let them feel...

a little hopeless without you,

and then, before they know it,

they'll do anything for you.

But... you can also do anything to them.

Too much effort for too little reward.

Trust me... 'hunt a grunt' is a guaranteed shag.

Albie... quickly say,

'Three trains ride on three rusty tracks'.

Three trains... ugh, fuck off man!

Now, if you can't even say that, how can you give Stoffkop sex advice?

It's better than 'Xena: Warrior Princess' over here.

She's more bark, than bite.

Stoffel...

if you want to hunt something in the wild

rather listen to the big game hunters.

Like me.

I'm Wimbledon.

Them...

-they're Padel. -What's he saying there?

You smell like Nesquik.

Listen to 'Captain One Inch' here.

Listen, for every guest you bag...

-I'll bag three. -Is it?

-Wanna put money on it? -Uh, I will so...

put money on it... with love.

Okay...

-I have an idea. -Hmm?

Let's have a competition. Make things...

a little interesting.

-Yes? -What if...

we see who can bang the most guests, before the season ends.

-Huh! -The winner...

gets all the tips.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

No, I need that money for the quiet months.

Yes, but if you win, you'll get much more,

old Dagga Boy.

I don't know...

C'mon, are you chicken? Huh?

-Hey? -Man!

Chicken, huh?

Old Dagga Boy.

Oh, fuck off, man! Jeez...

Huh? Are you in?

Fine.

But you... will see your ass.

-And you? -Huh?

Ready to bite and bark a little less?

Bring. It. On.

Wait. Woah, woah, woah...

Okay, what are the rules and what counts as points?

Are we talking about; shake and shoot, clit flick,

gob job, eating out or... slide him in the hole?

Anything that you wouldn't do with your cousins... counts.

You'll need to be a little more specific...

-No, come on Albie! -Gross, man!

-What? -No...

-No small-town shit, please, man. -Yoh...

Okay, okay...

We're going to need clarity on the rules.

I say...

Anything that happens while you're naked.

-What about dry-humping? -No!!!

Okay, fine! Don't scream at me.

Zips give me a dick burn, anyway.

Okay, well, we need to have an honesty system

and no cheating.

Why're you looking at me?

Scout's Honour.

Well, in that case...

I'm in.

And you? Young 'Stoffel-Offal'. Hmmm?

Ready to earn your stripes?

Yep, finally time to

spread those wings, little hadeda.

So we can finally see what's in those pants...

literally.

And who knows... maybe you'll earn your

radio name.

Let's do sex!

There you go!

No. No, sorry. It's not my vibe.

Hey, you! You're in. You've got no choice.

-No way. -C'mon!

Forget it. I can't.

There's too much at stake. And, what if Anel catches us, huh?

-She'll fire us on the spot. -Then don't get caught.

-But, what about... -Embeth is so not interested!

But, gee whiz, dude.

Do you know what will get her attention on you?

Hmm?

What?

When she sees you flirting with all the other girlies

in your short, short khakis, brother.

-Uh-huh! -Nothing makes a girl more keen

than a man, she knows she can't have.

-Truth! -Right, Nicola?

I've been caught that way many times.

-Come on, guy. -C'mon!

How many of your cheesy romance moves

got you into a relationship already, huh?

-Zero. -Exactly!

Come on, man!

It's high time that she chases after your ass now.

You understand?

Come on!

-Yeah, ok fine! I'll do it. -Yes!

But... I'm still going to try and win her heart.

Watch me!

Okay...

Then everything's in place.

Come. Everyone, hands together.

We're making this official.

Let's make this season...

one that we'll never forget.

Now, on three...

we all say our favourite sex positions.

One. Two. Three!

Donkey!

-What? -What? Huh?

-It's when you donkey. -What the fuck?

-It's not a thing. -It's a thing.

To the King of Khaki!

Er, no, no, no...! To the Queen of Khaki.

Hear, hear!

97...

98...

99...

100.

Marco...

you can do this.

Nope.

Ooh! Naughty.

You fucking biscuit.

So, how's your first couple of weeks on the job?

Have you found your footing?

I don't think I stand a chance of winning this competition.

Give it a chance. You still have time.

Can I give you a little advice?

Ranger to ranger.

I'd be honoured.

Surely, you must know by now,

that all the guests visiting here,

don't just come here to see the wildlife.

So, what for then?

Have you ever heard of 'Khaki Fever'?

Is that what you get when a Tsetse fly bites you?

Way more deadly. And there's no vaccine for it.

I'm not following, Albie.

Okay, look around you.

Do you see it? Half of the guests already have it.

Hmmm!

-Nuh-uh... -It's the uniform, Stoffel!

It makes the guests fuck-frantic.

Like this bad boy I'm wearing?

Haha! No, no, no. This uniform,

is wearing you.

You look like MC Hammer in those balloon shorts.

I mean, just look at Daniel.

He's shrink-wrapped in those shorts.

Word on the street is, he uses an entire tub of Vaseline

every morning to slide himself into them.

Albie, that's impossible. Do you know how much Vaseline costs these days?

Hey, hey, hey! Look! Look! Look!

Look at that little treat.

Her fever is running high.

Yeah... Who doesn't want to show some leg?

I mean, it's the wilderness.

-Show your meat. -Okay...

Look, it's a well known fact

that a ranger needs to show at least 15 cm of exposed thigh

between their knee, and where their shorts begin.

The naked thigh is the gateway drug.

Look, its the same for Cobus and his goose...

Hmmm....

The Khaki Fever is catching fire!

Look at me, Stoffel. I know you're new here.

But, you're the one that needs to make it fun for yourself.

And the same for your guests.

And, please don't listen to Daniel and Nicola.

They're Big Five hunters.

They go for the trophies with the horns.

But, while they keep the prize-winning sows and studs busy...

the stragglers, at the back of the herd,

are all mine.

Like that 'Gold Digger' over there.

Gross, girlie!

Mark my words, as soon as she's

out of that tracksuit, she'll churn you

till you make butter.

What about Marco? He's just standing there.

Never mind...

He's a romantic. Lost case.

I would give anything to have his potential.

You see, that's what you get for wanting to 'make love'.

Righto... Come, it's time to load the guests.

Ooh!

Gross, girlie.

Thembisa Lodge has lost a star.

What?

How?

A member of the Hotel Board pretended to be a guest,

went to stay there...

and discovered a scorpion in her salad.

You lie!

-Really? -Hmm!

There are spies everywhere. One could show up here any day.

One could've been here already.

Mom and Dad will turn in their graves if we lose a star.

After all their years of blood, sweat and tears

to build the reputation of this place.

Oh, well... I think they're already rolling around

from all the debt they've left us.

That's not funny.

Dad would've laughed.

If we lose a star...

we'll need to drop our rates.

Then we'll be competing with Warmbaths and ATKV caravan parks.

-Nuh-uh. -We decided to bring you in

to prevent that from happening, so can you...

Oh, is that what 'we' decided?

Okay.

I have work to do.

Go check the salad for scorpions. Hmm?

Please.

Stoffel...

you are the cat's pyjamas...

The cat's whiskers...

The cool cat of this alley.

I... love it!

-Let's get this party started! -Whoo!

Are you girls ready to see some big game?

-Yeah! -Yay!

So... I have not yet asked you guys,

Where are you joining us from?

-Uh, we are from France. -Aah! Amazing.

Well, I am super excited

to get to spend some time with you guys this week.

Tell me, what is it that you guys are into?

-Uh... pardon? -I apologise, that's my mistake.

Er, what is it that you guys would like to

-see in the bush? -The bush?

Er, yes, the bush. Er...

Birdwatching, perhaps?

Or, what is it that you guys

would like me to show you while you are here with us?

Oh! You show my girlfriend and me your bush?

Oh, yes, yes! We love bush!

All the best with that one, Rosetta Stone.

Let's get in the vehicle.

Anel?!

Anel.

For heaven's sake, please tell me you have news of my baby!

Um...

Ah! You know what? Daniel!

Can we please get an update on

-Char... donnay? -Ms van der Merwe...

how is it possible that you can look this good

while you are mourning?

You are a vision!

Oh, er... thank you.

I have good news.

One of our rangers saw Chardonnay on our security cameras.

He's fighting fit and healthy...

Really? Where?

In the north of the reserve.

Looks like he's on his way back to the lodge.

We must just wait patiently.

No, no, no! I can't wait any longer.

We promise you, Magda.

Chardonnay will be back, on your lap, very soon.

Can I just ask you one question?

-Yes. -Do you eat chicken?

-What now? -Do you eat chicken?

Well, yes, but what has it got to do--

Well, grab a wing!

-Okay, then... -There you go.

No, but wait. I think I should rather stay.

-In case Chardonnay comes back. -Oh, no, no, no!

I'll personally welcome him,

and then, Embeth and I will take him directly to the spa.

-Yes. -Okay, sure, you've convinced me.

-Come. -Come, come, come!

-Enjoy it. -Thanks.

-Bye. -Safely now, safely...

Ah, there you go, there you go...

Okay... ah, Magda...

I have a brilliant plan!

Nicola's actually taking this French party

to the north side of the reserve.

-Maybe you'll see... -Ah, perfect!

Chardonnay understands French

and they can help me call for him. It's a sign!

-It must be! -Wait, wait...

Aunty... Aunty Magda,

we're actually going on a very intense hiking trail

and I'm not so sure if you'd be up to it.

-Ugh... -It's perfect!

We'll just walk till where they last saw him. Shame,

Magda, you've been locked up in the lodge for so long...

-Yes! -A little walk will be good for you!

-Alright, then, thanks! Help me up. -That's it!

-There you go. Are you in? -Thank you! Just a little more.

Okay... there you go.

Listen, I can't whistle, but...

Swit-swoo!

Have you done something different with your hair?

Looks pretty.

-What was that? -Huh?

-What was that? -It was...

Embeth...

Was that everyone...

Well, Fritz...

it looks like it's just you and me.

-Do you see these little tracks? -Yes.

They can be one of two things... either a caracal...

-or a baby leopard. -Agh, cute.

Okay... ladies!

-Let's do this! -There's a giraffe!

I love giraffe!

Hi Gi-Gi!

-Hiii! -Marco, Marco...

we want to skinny-dip.

Do you know the sex position of a rattlesnake?

Marco is an elephant!

Look, look, look, look!

Where did you say you're from again?

-Chardonnay! -Chardonnay!

Chardonnay!

Chardonnay-nay!

Come back to Mummy!

So, we just wanna try and keep the sound down a little bit guys,

otherwise we're gonna scare away all of the animals, okay?

But I'm calling my dog!

Chardonnaaaaaaaay!

-First time in the bush? -Yeah!

Oh, shit.

Come on, man!

So... what are we going to do?

Well...

I can think of a few things...

Trompie and his ragtag crew...

with scuffed-up shoes...

and a frog in his bag.

And that's how this old lady got her name.

Uh... just a seccy.

So, this...

-is my favourite spot. -It's beautiful.

Well, while I set up...

go settle in.

I'll be with you in a seccy.

Aah...!

Here you go,

my beautiful porcelain doll.

-Careful! -Oh, stop with that!

You don't even know what I look like.

Well I can see by your bone structure,

you've got a body that can move a deep-freeze.

-Be careful, Aunty... -That's it.

Oui, oui!

Oui!

Okay, guys... let's just have a quick safety talk before we get going.

So we are going to be walking...

in that direction.

And then we're gonna do a big loop around

and we're gonna end up right back here, okay?

Aunty? Hello! Yes, sorry...

Um, I think we need to stop a bit with the salmon bites,

because there's a lot of animals in the area that also like... salmon.

But, my Chardonnay could be starving.

And he loves salmon bites.

Yes! Yes, I see that. But, Aunty...

you know, lions also like salmon bites.

No, no, no! They're not here now. They're not...

they're not here right now. But, we also don't want to lure them.

-Oh! Yes! -Okay. Nice!

-Alright then. -Ok, great! Are we ready, guys?

Let's... head off!

And, please guys just always keep your eyes on the ground, okay?

Just, be aware of our surroundings.

Chardonnaaay...!

Be careful. I know it looks like spinach plants,

but you would be very, very wrong over here.

Get yourself a nice coffee.

They tell me it's 'wünderbahn'.

Stoffel!

Come here.

I see they haven't made things easy for you, hey?

Speaking of... I have a question.

Speak, I'm all ears.

Look, Albie, despite my appearance...

I have never...

-You know! You know... -What?

Slept with a tourist?

It's the same as driving on the other side of the road.

Without reading the road signs, of course.

What?

No, no, it's not that!

I've never...

I've never 'copulated' before.

No! Sweet yeast infection, gross man, fuck!

And you never will if you keep on using that word, Stoffel.

Ok, so you haven't popped your cherry yet.

What have you done?

Church camp. Four years ago. Sex, drugs, rock 'n roll,

before you knew me. I was a different person.

Marlie, with the red hair, arrives at bow and arrow class.

And, just as I drew my bow back, she walks in behind me

and my elbow touches her left breast.

-Tit-Grab. Horny! -Yes!

Yes, and then what?

That's all.

Ok, so we're starting at ground zero.

Okay, Stoffel... um...

I've already told you about...

the power of the khakis, right?

and you're a smart boy, you know the bush.

Okay, well, I know about how animals mate.

Okay, so let's take... birds, for example.

A peacock. Peacocking.

So, the male peacock is beautifully built.

He does that whole striptease spectacle

to impress the drab, dowdy female. Right?

Yes, for his right to mate, for the survival

of the species.

What?

No! To fuck, Stoffkop!

But, why?

Because it's enjoyable?

Because it's enjoyable!

It was right in front of me this whole time!

Okay, okay, this is great. Do you have other tips?

Um...

Yes, um... I...

don't use deodorant.

Yup, all natural.

To build up my pheromones.

Smell here.

Yep. Nature's Old Spice, papi!

See, you must first build up your scent.

Before a woman sees you...

she must smell you first.

My goodness.

Because it's enjoyable.

Chardonnay!

Chardonnay-nay!

Auntie, can you please keep quiet for a bit?

-Chardonnay! -For now, please?

-Chardon-- Aah! -Oh fuck! Okay...

Sorry, guys. Sorry, sorry.

-Auntie Magda! -Owww!

Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming!

-Oooh! -Fuck!

Okay, I'm here! I'm here, I'm here...!

-Aaah! -Okay... let's see...

-Oh, fuck! -Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Okay, let's...

Er... it's Nicola.

Please tell me someone's nearby?

We're just here around the koppie. Over.

Breathe in through the...

Embeth for Nicola, how can I help? Over.

Er, Auntie Magda sprained her ankle badly on our--

It's broken! It's broken...!

Auntie Magda might have broken her ankle on our walk.

Um... so, she urgently needs to be taken back to the lodge.

Please just tell me there is someone nearby. Over.

So, all the other rangers are back, but Stoffel is still there. Over.

Hello? This is Stoffel!

I'm on my way. Over.

Did I say over? Over.

Stoffel! You... legend!

Great! Okay, we'll see you now.

Okay, over.

-There you go! -It's really broken.

Okay, Aunty, we'll see.

Oy! Mrs van der Merwe!

What did you guys do? What happened?

It's okay, relax.

It's just a bad sprain. It's okay she'll just need

a couple nice ice packs, right?

I think I'll need a wheelchair.

-No. -No. No, Aunty.

Stoffel is here. Aunty is going to be okay.

We're going to get ice, bandage you up... safely.

Thank you, Stoffel.

-Permission to touch? -Yes!

There you go...

Come, let's go. One! Two! Three!

-Ooh! Oww! -That's it!

Come on... It's day one.

How the hell are you already in the lead?

What can I say, old bull...

if you've got it...

-then you've got it. -Yoohoo!

-Daniel! -Cindy, what's up?

I was hoping that you could help me.

-What's wrong? -So...

there's a animal in my room, and...

I'm just, too scared to go in alone.

Oh no, we can't have that. Not on your big weekend.

Want me to see if I can come catch it?

Oh, I'd really appreciate that, Dan-Dan!

Sure thing.

Excuse me. Number Two is calling.

Hey!

Anel! No bleeding. Two centimetres of swelling of the right ankle.

-I know. -It's completely broken!

You've already said so, no need to repeat yourself.

Hold the door, please.

-Slowly, slowly. -That's it.

-I have it. I have it. -There you go, Aunty.

-Thank you! -Watch out when it closes.

-Aah! -Thank you. Okay... Wait, wait!

I'm so thirsty.

So... a lot of drama for one day, hey?

Chardonnay! Chardonnay!

She is... insane.

So crazy, you have no idea.

So, is this your guys, er, first time in Africa?

-Uh, we've always wanted to visit. -So beautiful.

And what is it that you guys do in France?

Er... We, um...

we make shows.

For the internet.

Okay, cool! Yeah, like movies?

-Yes! Like movies. -Amazing!

I have actually been in a show.

Yeah, yeah, it was called 'Boer Soek 'n Vrou'.

Maybe you guys have heard of it?

-Er, no. -No...

No, maybe it just didn't get to France.

What's the name of the movies you guys make?

Maybe I've seen one or maybe I can go and watch one.

They... don't really have, er...

names...?

Ooh...

Okay, I see what you're laying down.

-Like, porn? -Uh, porno, yeah.

Respect.

So, er...

Er, do you like?

Porn?

Er... yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a lot of different things.

-You know, female... male... female. -So...

-you like? -Mmm... I like.

Do you like?

That's beautiful.

Yes... I do. I like.

Damnit!

Cobus?

Er... I... I'll be there just now!

Get up man! Come on! Don't leave me hanging now.

C'mon!

Cobus, what's going on? Are you okay?

Everything is picture perfect!

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yes! Can't you see? Hmm?

How's it, ladies?

So, are you guys having the time of your lives?

Ah, that's great to hear. Um...

All clear!

Yeah, I, um...

actually...

I heard it by the bed.

Oh yeah? Under here?

I... I think by the... side table.

It looked very big.

Two arms...

and bendy...

-Was it this? -Hmm-mm... yeah...

This looks very dangerous, ma'am.

Too dangerous.

I don't think it'll be safe for me to leave you alone with this.

Aah, whoops!

Fuck... me, Marelize.

Aah...!

You know, my mother always told me...

that, er... real beauty comes from within.

So, er... let's unwrap this package!

-I don't know if I should... -Oh, shhhh...

My Plaster-Pigeon.

Don't worry...

Daddy's a professional.

No dessert before dinner.

Pumba for Pride Rock...

write up those points!

Hello.

Just enjoy it.

You smell like the veld and the flowers...

Slower, slower.

-Hold it. Hold it. -Fuck, you're pretty!

-Oh, fuck, I'm gonna shoot! -Hold it!

-You need to go slower. -Marco!

Fuck, fuck, oh...!

Stop! Stop...

Do not panic. It's those fucking salmon bites.

Shh... shh... shhh! Stop breathing.

We are going to, very slowly...

get up... Okay? Great... Go...

-Putain! -Shhh... Stop it. Shut up.

-Shhh.... Shhh... -Shhhhh...

-Don't! -Shhhhh...

Stop the fucking hissing!

Okay, on the count of three

we are going to start

backing away very fucking slowly.

Copy that?

Okay.

One...

Two...

Three.

Go, go, go, go!

Oh!

Whoo!

-Daniel, think rattlesnake. -Rattlesnake.

Rattlesnake!

Yes, Daniel! Hah! Ooh!

-Whoo! -Yeah!

Sorry, man. It's never happened before.

It's just work stress. It was a long season, you know?

I'm used to it. Most of my exes were old.

So, it's really not a big deal.

No! No, no, no! It's... it's just work stress.

Hmmm...

I trust that you will keep things

very discreet.

of course.

You, my lady, are going to make your husband

a very happy man.

And, Daniel, you made me a very happy girl.

There you go, Danger Ranger.

Shhh.

Wow, about time.

Wait... they were away for how long?

And this?

Okay, no, fine.

-Don't laugh too hard. -Reception is that way!

This I wanna hear.

New uniform, space-cake?

Well, gents, all that I can say is that it got a little...

ferocious, but, um...

two points in the bag! Up yours.

Whoah-ho!

Wait, wait, wait... Where's ol' Stoffkop?

I don't know, he's probably showing Fritz his... er, the birds.

And what about you, huh?

Phew! Let's just say she's now the... maid of...

dishonour.

-Ooh, you rascal! -Sis...

This looks good on you, mate.

-Huh? -Hmmm?

Uh-huh?

Uhh...

Right... One for Albie!

For ol'...

'Plaster-Pigeon'!

There you go! There you go! There you go!

There it is, my bro. You know it already.

One for Albie...

One...

two... Wow!

-For Daniel. -You slut.

-Lah-lah! -Hmm...

Hup-aah...!

So, we have a couple for Nicola.

Haaah...! And what about you, Uncle?

Hmm? How's it going with the child-bride?

Did you give her tuck shop money yet?

Yes.

And she cleaned out that tuck shop, thank you very much.

-Fair enough. -Check out old 'Hang-Ball'! Hah!

-This Uncle still has some steam. -Ooh!

-Who's next? -Here.

Okay, okay, okay, show us!

Here she comes...

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh...

Hmmm! Not bad.

-Ouch! -Oooh!

-No, no, no, -wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute! Nice try, brah.

Let's quickly be honest.

-Hmm! -Please.

While you were overindulging on

one small slice of wedding cake...

I was making my way through the bridesmaids, brah.

Hehe! Put it there! My boy!

What's that smell?!

It's you, man. Close your legs!

-Is this drain clogged again? -Lelelelelelele!

-For fuck sakes! -Lelelelele... hee!

-Yoh, hey? -Phwoar!

What you're smelling there...

is pure Stoffel-Stench!

A combination of sweat, Brylcreem, and confidence.

Fucking hell, Stoffel...

I can see your religion through those pants.

That's it! Elbows on high...

Hadeda claw!!!

Looks to me Hadeda has finally earned his feathers.

Neat. Don't listen to this bunch.

They're just scared you might take the whole game.

Yep, just like Hansie Cronje said...

"The devil made me do it".

What?

Good morning!

Welcome, welcome.

-Morning! -Good morning.

-Wait, wait, wait. Can you see? -Yes!

That big bird right there.

-It's a Kori bustard. -The one with the really thick neck?

That's the one.

-Daniel! -Wooh!

Whoopsie-daisy!

You sound wonderfully cheerful!

Oofh!

Freda...

rika... you...

-freak! -Uh! Ahh!

Thank you, Aunty.

You really do look like someone who...

knows how to get the job done.

Harder, harder!

Hey, Marco!

-Hey! -I, um...

I saw an Olive Bushshrike yesterday.

Oh...?

That's really cool.

Right?

Chardonnay!

Chardonnay!

Chardonnay!

Chardonnay!

It's always like a Lucky Packet... you never know what you're gonna get.

Love it, brah.

I think it was a box of chocolates...

-Good day, miss. -Good day.

Welcome to Zalisa lodge. May I escort you to check-in?

-Yes, you may. -Let's go.

There you go, Stoffel. Kick it in the ass.

Hello, ladies. My name is Stoffel. But, you can just call me

Stoffel. Couple things about me...

I'm a Libra... I like sausage dogs

and I'm legally obligated to tell you that I'm on the spectrum.

I'm gonna be here to make your stay as comfortable as possible

and I really only have the one question...

do you guys like chicken?

-Chicken? -Yes.

Grab a wing, then!

Huh? Yeah.

-Ms de Klerk. -Good morning.

Good morning, and welcome to the lodge.

Cobus...

I'd like to introduce you to Cobus.

He's our most experienced ranger.

-And, he'll show you around. -Pleased to meet you, Ms de Klerk.

-May I take your luggage? -That'll be kind of you, thanks.

Follow me, please.

Looks lovely, thank you.

Of course, never hesitate to contact any of us.

If you can't find me, find any ranger. Call me on my walking-talkie.

And, um, yeah, I think you're going to enjoy it here.

Look at the view!

-Stunning. -Oooh!

Hah! That's my cue to leave.

-No! -Why is that?

Oh, 'cause that's the sound of a Go-Away bird.

A 'Go-Away bird'?

Yeah! Basically we have a bird

that's called the Go-Away bird in English

'cause it sounds like it's saying 'go away!'

And in Afrikaans, we call it the 'Kwêvoël'

'cause it sounds like it's saying 'kwê'.

Take a listen with me.

Go-away!

Kwê!

Must be something wrong in the English translation

because, to us it sounds like it's saying...

Stay any day!

Stay any day!

'Stay any day!'

Okay, okay, no I guess I can kind of hear it.

Look at you slaying, hey.

Well, why don't you come by later?

Come teach us some more things.

After dinner.

Oh, you mean...

Wow, hahaha!

Wow, I didn't think...

So quick, so fast...

Wow, yeah... today... after six o' clock

if we... I'll skip the yoghurt.

You know what, it's my logistical problem...

I'm gonna make it work.

For now, quickly gonna go-away!

And, er, later I'll catch you by the vehicle

and we can, er... dinner.

-Or stay-any-day! -Stay-any-day!

-No? -Not a bird. Hah!

Cute.

-Oooh! -Are you guys very busy?

Yes, yes, this time of year is our busiest season.

You chose a good time for your stay with us.

It's going to be a lovely day when the sun eventually comes out.

There you go, Ms de Klerk!

Here we are at the Kingfisher Suite.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do you for.

Well you can start by calling me Claudette.

-I feel old enough, thank you. -Ah, that'll be the day!

-Er... I'm Cobus. -Nice to meet you.

Claudette. Then I'll see you later on the game drive.

-I can't wait. -Me neither.

Anel!

-Anel?! -Er, ma'am. I'm over here.

-Do you need help? Can I... Jean! -No! No!

-Er, come let me... -I've had up to here...

and no further!

And, do not tell me you saw him on a camera

because I'm not falling for that story again!

Ma'am... I can assure you, we're doing all we can--

-Don't lie to me! -Shhhh...

-Don't you shush me! -No, I...

No! Uh-uh!

If you people aren't going to do anything

I will, with crutch and all,

-go into the bush, myself! -Or, you know what?

What if I take you back to the spa

and, and this time, it's on the house, and--

No... No, I don't want my skin scraped off again.

That woman's hands are like sandpaper.

It feels like I've been dragged behind a bakkie!

-Oh, ma'am, I-- -Don't ma'am me!

I'm going to my room now...

to put my wine...

my foot... on some ice

Oh! It's you.

Can you arrange with them to bring my dinner to my room, please?

Of course, ma'am. I'll make it happen.

Oh, and I still meant to say...

-my eggs this morning... -Yes?

for breakfast, were so...

dry!

Tragic.

We... we are... so sorry, ma'am. It won't happen again.

Yes... yes...

Goodness gracious.

Don't pay her any mind. She's just missing her mutt.

Mm-hmm.

-Are you okay? -Nuh-uh

The pool is leaking.

From that time with the hippos. And, er...

It's going to wipe out the savings account.

It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine, it's always fine.

We'll figure it out. Think about Mom and Dad.

We aren't quitters.

-Scorpion bite! -You know I'm ticklish,

don't do that.

What? Are you scared of a little... scorpion bite!

Stop it, man!

For goodness' sake, how old are you? Grow up!

I'm... sorry, I was just trying to--

What!?

Mmm?

You just wanted to keep on playing games?!

Games?

Is that what you think of me?

Is that...? Why am I still here, Anel?

I don't know.

Hopefully, you'll learn a few new skills.

So that you can get a job

that you actually can keep for the first time in your life.

-Take that back! -Ow! That was my tit!

You'll give me cancer!

Well, then at least something will be happening in your life, for once.

Oh, fuck off, man!

With love! You know? With love.

And you know what?

I like my eggs dry.

Dry, and fucking boring!

And you know what else is boring?

And dry?

Your beaver, Anel!

At least I know what I want.

Hey, Embeth?

You have no clue what you want.

And Mom and Dad knew that too.

Shit.

And Aunty Betsie is coming with me to the hospital...

and everything is going to be fine.

I love you, Baby.

Oh... er... it's Mommy.

-Hello boys. -Oh, hey!

-Hey! -Hey...

No way!

No, wait, wait, wait! What, where, how?

Dagga Boy. Just pulled in.

Long trunk!

Okay, chill, please.

'Cause the next bus

of tourists, is still going to bring me a lot of points.

-Not if I get them first. -That money is mine.

Your game not as strong as you thought, buckaroo?

And the season is almost over.

-Khoki... -Huh!

-No. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Sunstroke is not the only stroke that bunch of Brits got.

-Uhh! Uhh... -Ooh!

I had to be careful around the blisters,

but that sex was literally...

-Uhh! On fire. -Disgusting.

Albie, you're so gross.

And now, butt plug?

Why the long face?

Nah, it's nothing. I just have a...

headache that won't leave me alone.

Listen, you need to get your head in the game fast

because you have fuck all points, literally...

nil. Okay? Focus!

I know, I know, but, I think that's just the problem.

Those two girls are looking for a sip of Stoffel.

What, those bush penguins that you took to the waterhole?

Nah, look, go get yourself some headache pills from my bathroom.

You can't let this opportunity pass you by.

Okay, thank you.

I'm gonna need it.

For peak performance and stamina.

Yeah, they're pretty animals, hey?

-Yes, so pretty. -Look at the babies.

Look at that one eating leaves and trees and things over there!

-Wow. -Stunning.

Amazing, yeah.

Beautiful.

No...

No.

Do you... mind?

Not at all.

Beautiful.

Gin and tonic.

-Thank you! -My pleasure.

Mommy's on her way, my baby.

It's an absolute scorcher here today!

What the hell is happening?

Don't worry.

Everything's under control.

Is everything okay?

Engine's just on a quick smoke break.

-You sure you don't need help? -No, no, you stay there!

Don't stress!

Looks like the...

compressor just needs... some attention.

Let's get you ladies back to the waterhole and...

go enjoy a sunset. Just five more minutes here.

Please join me for a drink, ladies!

-Hey! Gin and tonics? -Good evening!

Thank you.

Enjoy!

What the fuck's going on? Is it malaria?

What the hell is wrong with you?

-Fucking hell! -Holy shit!

I was in your room looking for headache pills.

Yes, and?

I found your blue pills and I thought, you know...

-And, now... -And, now you can drill for oil.

I just thought it would get me in the mood a little,

it's my first time... a little, oomf.

Hmm! Yes, and how many did you take?

Three halves.

-Three...? -What?

-Blue pills? -Three whole ones,

three wholes ones, I took three wholes ones!

Aah! Okay, now it makes sense.

Cobus, it's not funny!

No, it's hilarious.

Cobus, Cobus, you have to help me.

I can't die like this. What will my mom say?

The coffin won't be able to close!

-Relax, bro! -Calm down, relax. Relax.

You just need to ride this wave until it's out of your system.

-You don't have to stress. -Cool.

You guys have taken three before, so...

Fuck, no. One is enough.

There you go. Just a little.

It's doesn't feel far removed from a heart attack, you know?

I can taste my heartbeat!

Well, well, if you hear anything in the evenings don't be alarmed.

It's the lions.

It's probably just that time of the season, you know?

Um...

Yeah, so please let me know if you need anything...

I'll quickly show you where your room is.

"You're the sunrise and the sunset.

The smell of the rain on the highveld.

If you were a bird...

you'd be a Ground Hornbill.

Rare and pretty...

my kind, bushveld maiden.

As the seasons come and go, is there one thing that remains...

the feeling I get when I see you.

My only wish is that you'll one day see...

that you and I are meant to be."

Albie coming 'round the mountain when he comes...

Do you have another in the can, Albatross?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Put her on the list.

And who was the victim this time?

The epileptic from earlier.

Fucking hell, was it messy.

Like a pitbull eating oatmeal... ugly,

but so beautiful.

Where are you off to?

I'm on my way to the dam.

Need to clear my head.

-Looking for some quiet after today. -Yeah, yeah...

Don't we all need it?

Hm-mm! And, get yourself some rest, you hear?

Yep!

Albie coming 'round the mountain when she comes...

Albie coming 'round the mountain, Albie coming 'round the mountain...

-Cobus! -Er, Claudette?

Come join me.

Sure.

-Lovely evening tonight. -Hmm, very.

So... how was the rest of your day?

Did you go on the sunset safari?

Hmm... it was incredible. I saw a leopard!

-No! Really? -Yes, can you believe it?!

How lucky can one girl be?

Just listen to that.

It's unbelievable, huh?

Hm-mm...

May I ask you something?

Of course.

Do you enjoy working here?

Yes. I mean, I'm living the dream.

I can see it.

Don't take this the wrong way

but, I was just wondering, you're much older than the other rangers.

What are you still doing here?

Well, er... the bush is in my blood.

And I... reckon...

every herd probably needs an older, wiser one

to show the younger ones how it's done.

Makes me think of that story about a herd of young elephants...

that caused chaos at a reserve.

They trampled fences and trees,

attacked cars, even tried to mate with some of the rhinos.

-What? Are you being serious? -Yes.

Yes, a few of the rhinos didn't make it.

Oy...

So, then, they brought in an old bull.

An elephant bull.

And suddenly their behaviour changed overnight.

He taught them how to behave and

disciplined them a little.

Like a mentor to them.

So, you reckon it's my job to teach the youngsters here

-not to get frisky with 'rhinos'? -No!

No! No! It's definitely not...

how I meant it!

How do you know all these things?

I'm a bush girl.

-I know the veld. -Is that so?

-Hmm! -Hmmm...

I think that's a hippo.

Yeah, yeah... Yes, they... That's how they grunt.

Hey...?

What's that?

I have no idea.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Give me strength.

Make it look and sound cool.

And let it be everything I've ever dreamed of.

Thank you, Bush.

I'll make you proud.

Hello. Ha ha!

-Hello! -Hello.

You guys look... really nice.

-We're ready for you... -Ooh-whoah!

One button!

I'm so sorry. I thought...

Oh?

Ooh!

Hello.

Ooh, that's nice.

That's the tickle-corner, there!

Stoffel is out for the night. Tell everyone.

Hey, hey! Here he comes!

Here comes the aeroplane!. Yay!

Careful with the foreskin!

I'll be damned.

Oh, yeah...

Eat it like a lamb chop.

Aah! What?

Go behind.

This is my World Cup.

Goodness gracious!

Wow...

Aah!

Oh?

Wow!

Not what I imagined...

Ahh! Ooh! It's warm!

Think of a song, it makes the rhythm...

Stoffel is on a mission!

Yes! I like it! Yaaah!

What... the hell?

Ooh!

Yes, the train is gonna arrive!

It's unbelievable!

I don't think I've ever heard the bush so lively!

Me neither...

Hah-hah!

Attention, please.

Yes?

-Hey! Okay, okay! -Ol' Stoffel.

-Ol' Stoffkop! -Hey!

Let's see.

-What's going on here? -Hey, Stoffel!

Jeez! That's a long one.

-Okay, okay... -Yes, Stoffkop!

YEAH!!!

WHOOAAAH!!!

Yeah! Take that!

Take that!

And for you!

Yoh, guy!

-Nice, Stoffel! -Whoah!

-You Stoff-Storm! -Yeah-hey!

Wait, wait, wait! Anybody else?

Er...

No, nothing this side.

More for little Stoffel!

Stoffel! Stoffel! Stoffel!

Stoffel! Stoffel!

Gross...

Hmm... new guest list?

Let's have a look...

That's perfect.

No, fuck that. Nuh-uh!

Daniel will be in tit heaven.

He'll be swimming in the tits.

Not today.

Hi! Hi, is this Mrs Wilken

from Busty Babes Model Agency?

Hi...

This is Anel speaking from Zalisa Lodge...

I slept marvellously I don't know about you?

Splendid!

...hundred percent Eiderdown...

Remember to ice your back, okay?

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

I, er... trust you enjoyed your stay with us, Claudette?

I did, indeed, Cobus.

In that case, please leave us a good review?

The best.

Bye...

See you again.

Right! Straight to the airport.

No! Wait!

Enjoy your time in Lost Angeles!

Okay, tell me everything.

Are you ready to give me all your money?

You're just two points ahead of me.

Dude, we still have one last group to go.

-Hmm... -I can overtake you in one day.

If I were you...

I wouldn't be so certain.

What do you mean?

-Never mind, listen. Shhh. -What?

Um, attention, please.

So...

unfortunately, we've had a sudden cancellation

from a considerable group of guests, which naturally

is quite a huge disappointment, but...

the good news is, that we still have

this other big group booking.

Even though it's a bit of a special one....

Um... As you all know, we're a LGBTQI

friendly lodge.

And that means we treat all our guests with the same respect

-and kindness. -Hear, hear!

-Therefore... -Sorry!

It is our great privilege

to welcome the Gay Rugby World Cup champions

as they come to celebrate their victory at ours.

What makes the rugby gay?

The Try Guys...

have booked the whole lodge for the entire weekend.

And I trust that you'll make their time with us

as enjoyable as possible. They have a large following online,

and I would love to attract more of the pink dollar next season.

Any sign of the mutt?

-Nope. -No.

-Nee, Anel. -Not yet.

Fine! Please keep an eye out for him on your...

game drives.

-For sure, Anel. -Will do.

That's all.

Yes. It's obvious that we have a winner now.

Well, I told you so.

Hey, Bucko, you should've gone for those aunties yesterday.

What are you gonna do now? The season is almost over.

What about the staff? It counts, right?

No, no, no! The only two you haven't gotten to yet, are Anel and Embeth,

and that's not happening and I'll fucking promise you now

this boundary, is never getting crossed again.

Fuck!

Dude! Chill man.

The whole thing was your idea.

And you knew what was at stake.

-Hm-mm! -Yes.

-Oh, come now, man. -Daniel!

Nicola! Game...

on!

What?

Wait, wait, wait... Is he going to...?

But, but how...?

Soggy Marie!!! Soggy Marie!!!

Soggy Marie!!!

Soggy Marie!!!

Soggy Marie!!!

Soggy Marie!!!

Ouch! My balloon knot.

Gentlemen! Welcome to the lodge.

Er, congratulations on your achievement!

-Thank you, very much. -How was your ride?

Yeah, a bit of a rough one, but--

Well! Sounds to me you guys are ready for an

afternoon game drive with me, boys. Huh?

Yes please!

Okay!

Then hold on tight to your jockstraps, boys!

-We're gonna ride! -Fuck the jockstraps...

You, I'll bend like a warm Fizzer.

Soggy Marie!!!

Almost in the chutney!

I'm coming now, just a little thirsty.

Here comes the man.

Yeah, no...

getting a little dirty with the boys.

How's it looking there?

It's going fucking great.

-Is it? -You know...

you're all big talk now, right...

but, when it comes to scrum time...

you're not gonna cut it.

-Really? -Hmmm...

Oh, rea... hehehe... Oops!

-Oh! Okay! -Oopsie...

-Okay! -daisy.

So, we're going so low now?

Boys! How's it going over there?

Nice, man! Just a bit wet here!

Ooh-whoah!

There you go...

Let's go, boys!

Take notes, Stoffel...

you're seeing a master at work here.

He's as ripped like a township dog.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What's wrong?

We need to talk.

Hey!

Where do you think you're going with that sexy ass of yours?

You tell me, brother!

Boys... Bring this man to my chalet.

-Hey! -Soggy Marie!

Soggy Marie!

You have no idea what's waiting for you!

Soggy Marie! Soggy Marie!

I've decided to leave.

-Where to? -Another lodge.

Another lodge?

Huh?

Didn't you say, the other day... wait, what was it?

Oh, yes...

'Think of Mom and Dad.'

'We aren't quitters'. And, now...

And now you're just leaving me here?!

I'm not leaving you...

You are still my sister.

I just have follow my gut now and I belong in nature

-as a game ranger-- -For fuck's sake, Embeth!

It's just so bloody predictable! Do you know that?!

Predictable and selfish!

I have already made my decision.

Good luck to you!

Oh, lighten up, darling.

There's always next year,

I'm sure you'll win the competition then.

Yep! I really thought you would take it.

How many guests did you bang in the end?

Fucking 23! And it was a waste of my time!

If I had known they were gonna go 'Brokeback Bushveld' on us

I would've started looking for that fucking private school dog long ago!

Because at least that crazy bitch put out a decent reward for him.

I stopped looking for that little shit long ago.

I don't even think he's still alive.

And Anel keeps her satisfied so she doesn't make much of a fuss.

Yep. The dog...

-has barked. -Hmm!

Mrs van der Merwe, is everything okay?

Pardon my French...

But, you and I are being fucked in the ass, my dear.

Pardon me?

Season's in the can.

We are in deep shit.

-Look, Anel, we just wanted to... -Mmm!

Do all of you have any idea...

How hard I've had to work to keep this lodge afloat?

And I could handle everything.

Covid. Load shedding, French Bulldogs.

But this?

My dad...

gave most of you, your first job.

Gave you a chance.

And this is how you repay him?

By holding a fuck competition with the guests.

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Funny?

This will be your last work day today.

And there will be no final pay check

or any insurance to be paid out.

You can come to my office tomorrow

to sign your termination forms.

And this is the last time...

that I ever want to see your faces.

Hello, Claudette? Cobus here...

Well...

That was a fuck up.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm not a...

fuckboy like you.

I'm happy if it floats your boat.

It's not who I am.

I have...

lost everything.

My job.

the bush!

a chance with Embeth.

The stakes were high, even for me, dude.

Oh, please.

You had your fun.

It was never about fun.

Whatever.

Look...

My mom has cancer.

I needed that money to help pay the medical bills.

Yeah, she's busy with chemo while we're speaking.

Hey...

Why didn't you tell me?

I just wanted us to have a little bit of fun this season, man.

Plus, I knew I was gonna win.

And you really thought that

whoring yourself out for money

for your mom's cancer treatment, was a good idea?

You could've just...

started a GoFundMe page or something.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know...

Come.

Let's go pack our shit up.

Sorry to bother.

-Oh? -Is everything alright?

Ms de Klerk.

Yes...

Everything's fine.

-Did you forget something here? -No, no, no. Not at all, um...

I hope this doesn't bring you any more stress,

but it's about my stay here with you.

Oh...

Well...

I hope you enjoyed your time here?

That's actually why I'm here, um...

I work for the Hotel Certification Board

and I was here to evaluate your service.

And... it is the...

Certification Board's privilege

to award you with an additional star

for you and your staff.

I mean... you guys are just outstanding!

Are...

are you serious?

Yes...

I can in all honesty say...

I've evaluated a lot of lodges.

And your staff is excellent.

I mean, I've never experienced this level of commitment

towards client satisfaction.

I'm sorry, I...

I don't know what to say!

I'm...

It's the last thing that I was expecting, so...

Thank you, I'm...

-I am so honoured, thank you! -Well, I...

have to single out one individual, one of your rangers...

Cobus.

That is a man that truly understands client service.

Cobus?

Huh!

Yes!

He's always here, he...

Long time... He's been working here... long.

Oh, yes, and by the way, um... I have eaten at many buffets

on my travels, and... I have to tell you

it has been the best eggs I've ever had!

Okay! Bye!

I can't believe it's over.

I know, right?

I mean, you guys are like my family.

Yep.

Honestly...

I don't actually know what to do now.

I don't...

even have anywhere to stay.

Nah, it's a fucking mess.

We really fucked up this time.

I really can't believe that I lost.

I mean, it's beyond my comprehension.

-What? -I have an idea...

Something that'll possibly save all our asses.

Hold on...

If it has something to do

with an overdose of Viagra...

then you're on your own, horny pants.

No Daniel, I'm serious.

That was also serious, but that was different...

it was medical.

Okay then? What is it?

Look...

We all know that Anel's meat curtains are closed for business, right?

Yes, we're all well aware. What about it?

Well, what if we find a way to open those curtains

and let some sunlight in?

The Khaki Fever!

Everything you've taught me

has led to this moment.

We're being tested at a massive scale.

If one of us can infect her with Khaki Fever...

-then she can't fire us. -Wait, wait, wait.

Are you putting your dick on the line here?

I'm clearly not her type.

And trust me...

I've tried it all.

Hmm! Well, firstly, it can't be me.

I'll just break her heart.

I'm a lost kite in a thunderstorm of opportunity-sex, passion, options...

I can't tie myself down now.

Daniel, Nicola. It can't be you guys.

Because it's too obvious.

She'll see it coming from a mile away.

Marco...

You're in love with her sister.

And Cobus...

You're just super old.

-But... -Hmm!

I think Pumba...

can pull it off for us.

-Albie? -Albie?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

While you were all transfixed on all the prize ponies...

Mr Weak and Feeble herded all the stragglers back into the stable.

And I think Anel picked up on it.

More than that...

I think she was jealous.

It has to be Pumba.

She'll be blindsided.

Albie...

I've been watching how she's been watching you

when you didn't know she's been watching you

while I've been watching both of you.

She feels the same.

She's been craving you

from the first day she smelled you.

This...

This is your destiny.

Yes! Yes, yes, that's a fucking brilliant idea!

Come on, Albatross. Take one for the team!

-Come on, man. -Pumba.

I...

It feels like my entire life has been building up to this moment.

I'm in.

-That's it, brother! -Yes!

Take that!

Fuck, yes!

Whoo!

What do you have there, Miss?

What are you doing in my office?

Just handing in Trompie's keys.

May I see?

Hmm!

Four stars from the National Council...

-Impressive. -Thank you.

It's a big moment for us.

I know what you're thinking...

but, believe it or not...

to achieve sustainable success,

professionalism must be maintained.

-Maintained? -Yes.

-Understood. -Yes, there are rules.

And, some rules are must be broken, Anel.

Haven't you ever broken a rule?

The guests that come here are adults in their own right.

They make their own decisions. Haven't you ever considered that?

We're only here to provide them with the best service possible.

That's precisely what you told us to do.

Oh, I never said anything about a fuck competition!

That is inappropriate!

-What about colleagues? -It's out of the question!

Order must be maintained.

The only order that needs to be maintained here...

is Nature.

Nature that draws the two of us closer together.

Yes, I'm a pig...

-But, I'm your little warthog. -Now you're crossing a line--

Shhh!

-Do you hear that? -Hear what?

Do you feel...

that?

That...

is our personal instinct...

taking over.

And all you need to do...

is give in to it.

Give in, Anel.

Go on...

I dare you.

-Wait, wait... -What?

He did it! He did it!

Pumba! Pumba!

Pumba! Pumba! Pumba!

Pumba!

You legend!

What the fuck?

Hello...?

Have we been robbed! What happened here?

We need to talk.

Okay...?

Mommy's going to miss you so much.

Goodbye, my darling Chardonnay.

Mommy loved you so much.

Amazing Grace...

So, I suppose...

in a way, I actually owe you an apology.

This last season, I was obsessed...

with the success of the lodge and...

In the process, I most probably lost my team spirit

and didn't really notice all your hard work.

That doesn't change anything...

regarding the fact that you broke the lodge's rules...

but...

In light of the new star...

I will...

mark it down this time...

as a warning.

You're all welcome to

return for next year's season...

in fact...

Embeth, is going to join you in the veld...

and you may call her, Nala.

Yes!

-Nice, Embeth. -Okay, okay!

One more thing... one more thing to deal with.

This season, together you gathered

16,000 Dollars in tips.

Now, I know we usually divide it up equally...

But, I believe, this time...

It must be handed to one person only.

The King of Khaki...

Daniel.

-Yay! -Yes!

Speech!

Speech, speech, speech!

I'm only gonna do this speech in English

'cause I don't wanna butcher it in Afrikaans, okay

I want you guys to know how much you mean to me.

I... I was never really good at anything...

in my life.

But, the one thing...

that I was always good at...

-was sex. -Hear, hear!

To receive this... award from a...

group of friends...

it means the world to me.

Fuck, yeah!!!

Whoo!

Check the elephant trunk on this thing!

Congrats.

It's going to be great having you back.

I'm looking forward to it.

I will... see you next season then.

Marco!

So...

-my lion's mane meerkat mistress. -Mm-mm. Mm-mm...

I don't do pet names.

Well...

not during the day.

I just want to know... If...

you'd maybe like to go on a game drive with me?

Um... I need to...

brush up on my knowledge of the bush and the wildlife,

I'm a little rusty.

That's a great plan.

I'll gladly help.

That's good to hear.

Sunrise?

Let's make it a sunset.

How about now?

Let's go.

Gimme your hand, come!

Nice, boy!

No way.

Chardonnay! You're still alive you little shit.

Time to get you back to your mama.

-It's a Bosveld Tintinkie. -Nope.

-I'm telling you... -Look, look!

Look for yourself!

'Bosveld'!

So, what kind of puppy is this?

That is a hyena.

Hyena, ja?

-Jock of the Bushveld? -Ah! Wünderbar

Bonjour.

My, my, my...

Leave it!

You've learnt some horrible bush manners over there...

Just don't bite mama, please!

.