Original subtitles

Yeah, right.

Glasses on, he's Clark Kent.

Glasses off, he's Superman.

Like nobody would figure that out!

I know it is so obvious.

How's my moustache?

Perfect.

Man, Mamaw should have been here by now.

What time does her plane get in?

Don't ask me. I offered

to pick her up, but the woman wouldn't even

give me her flight number.

You know, sometimes she can be as

tight-lipped as a frog eating a peanut butter fly.

Frog eating a peanut butter fly. You get it?

Is that a new one, Dad?

Yeah, I just made it up last night. You like it?

Well as long as it doesn't end up

in one of my songs, I think it's brilliant.

Well, darlin', I know you'd love to be here to give your

grandma a hug, but I've got to get you to that photo shoot.

Yeah, you're right, but

what's taking her so long?

Oh, sweet Pete,

the woman drove all the way here from Tennessee?

Well how do you know it's her?

Get out of the driveway, you stupid cat!

Just a hunch.

I hope she didn't squish Fluffy!

Mamaw!

Don't squeeze too hard. I've been

sucking down iced tea since Albuquerque.

You drove this rust bucket all the way across the country?

If you're in such a hurry to risk your life,

why not just walk into bear country wearing fish pants?

Funny, I don't remember sitting on your egg

for three weeks, but apparently I hatched a chicken!

Burn! Up top!

I just care about you, that's all. Aw.

Oh, Dad, don't worry.

Mamaw wouldn't drive anything that's not safe.

And besides, this car's a classic.

They don't make them like this anymore.

Probably because it's against the law!

Oh, hush!

I'll have you know that Loretta here drove your

grandpa and me to Hoover Dam on our honeymoon,

took your grandpa to work for forty years, and me

to the hospital the day your daddy was born. Well,

almost. He was in such a big hurry,

he popped out right there on that front seat.

Ew.

Well, uh, speaking of being in a hurry,

I've got to get this girl to a photo shoot.

Not to worry, I will just drive you.

No!

Uh, remember, you've got eight-hundred miles

of iced tea to take care of.

Not to mention that over-ripe bag of cherries

that I bought in Barstow.

You know what?

I'm just going to move this out of the way

so I'm not blocking the garage.

Well, hold on, Mamaw, let us get your bags.

Maybe I should stop using Uncle Earl's homemade gas.

You think?

I promise, Hannah will be there tomorrow.

Well, thanks to that old clunker of yours,

I just had to cancel a very important

photo shoot for Miley.

Well what would you like me to do?

Spank Loretta on the trunk

and send her to the garage without supper?

I was thinking more like shoot it,

stuff it, and hang it over the fireplace.

I heard that.

I meant, shoot,

it's great having you here, hanging out and stuff.

Fireplace?

Let's face it, Ma,

the steering's loose, the brakes are mushy,

and I've seen better transmissions on tricycles!

Oh yeah?

Well at least my car keeps her

spare tire in her trunk

instead of hanging out over her belt, Porky.

I am not porky!

And don't you go changing the subject!

Well, I'm sorry, I'm

tired of hearing you ragging on your birthplace!

Now,

if you will excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and unpack.

I think I finally got it all off.

I guess I just didn't get it all out.

Oh, Miley, sweetie, I'm so sorry you were on the wrong end

of one of Loretta's car toots.

That's okay, Mamaw.

Soot happens.

Well,

I'm glad to see that not everybody in this family

blames a poor innocent car on all of their troubles.

Yeah, of course not.

I love that car.

I hate that car!

She cannot keep driving that thing. It's not safe.

Honey, I've been trying to get her to sell it for twenty years.

But every time I bring it up all she does

is tell me I'm fat.

Not one single word about how great my hair looks!

Well, I think it's time to stop trying and start buying.

I'm telling you, Mile, she loves that car.

Yeah,

and she also thought Jackson was the most

beautiful baby in the world!

Until I came along.

Excuse me?

Come on, let's face it, son.

You were the first grandchild,

she was ready to love about anything.

Come on, let's face it, Dad.

You're fat.

Hey!

Come on guys, we're getting off subject here!

She'll forget all about Loretta as

soon as she sees that bright,

shiny, new car.

New car?

What's wrong with Certified Pre-Owned?

I mean, it comes with all the warranties

and it's less expensive. It's just a-- Dad!

Fine.

Trust me, the look on her face will be priceless.

Not quite the look I was going for.

Where is Loretta?

Well, Ma, we traded her in.

For this brand new car!

Yes, that's right.

This brand new beauty comes with

hand tooled leather interior.

Ooh!

Nationwide navigation with real-time traffic.

Ah!

But wait, there's more! Oh, no

there ain't!

How could you?

It was her idea.

Hey, big guy. What can I get you?

I can't decide between the hot dog and the nachos.

Well,

how about I put the hot dog in the nachos,

throw a little jalapeño over that action, and boom!

That's "nacho" ordinary dog, dog!

Awesome! I know!

I've got to admit,

the whole Mr. Happy thing of yours is

so inspiring,

it makes me wish I had a magical horse.

Magical horse? Why?

So it could kick your teeth in.

Oh yeah.

Like a magical horse would do that.

Mine would.

And then it would poop gold coins.

Anyway,

since you've been working here,

my profits are up two-hundred percent.

Wait,

does that mean that I'm getting a raise?

How can I say this so you'll understand?

You'll never get a raise! Never, never, ever!

I mean it's okay. I make a fortune in tips anyway.

Not anymore.

Oh wait, is-is your mom still a cop? Oh yes.

Let me just get rid of these pesky finger prints.

Hey, Ollie-pop!

Hey, Lilly-pop!

Happy one-hundred day-aversary!

Uh, yeah!

Right back at you!

You forgot, didn't you? What?

No,

of course not. In fact, uh,

I put a lot of thought into your gift.

Go buy yourself something nice.

How could you forget our special day?

Really, Ollie-pop, how could you?

I feel your pain, girlfriend.

Okay, listen, I'm sorry.

Happy hundred day-aversary. Oh just forget it!

I did forget it, you got mad at me.

You-- No, no, no! Don't you cutesy face me!

Okay.

Okay?

That's how you make me feel better?

Well, the cutesy face didn't work!

What do you want me to do?

Go to the card store and look in the

hundred day-aversary section and--

Oh, wait a second, they don't have one of those.

Why? Because it's stupid!

I'll tell you what's stupid!

A hundred and one days with you!

See, this is exactly why I don't have a girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah that's exactly why you don't have a girlfriend.

Who asked you?

Wow.

I haven't seen her this upset since that

Super Bowl Sunday that Grandpa used

her bra as a chip and dip server.

Somebody should go talk to her.

Somebody with

wisdom and sensitivity.

Whew!

That leaves me out.

The boy's right, Mile.

Good luck.

Me?

She's your mother!

What? That woman would skin my hide.

She wouldn't hit a girl.

Fine.

Not in the mood, Miley.

How'd you know it was me?

Because the other two don't have the guts.

Tell me about it.

Who do you think kills all the spiders around here?

Mamaw,

we really are sorry.

We thought that you would love a new car.

Well, you thought wrong.

But, Loretta's just so old and run down.

Maybe to you.

To me that old girl is like part of the family.

When I get into that car,

I can still smell your grandpa's hair tonic.

And I can still hear your daddy shouting

"don't leave me" as I shove him out

the door on his first day of kindergarten.

That car is like half of my

life.

I'm sorry, Mamaw, I just--

I never thought of it that way.

Well, there's the problem.

None of you thought.

So, if you will excuse me,

I'm going to go take a little walk by the ocean.

Unless you Californians thought it was too old

and you've replaced it with that fancy mineral water

that tastes like you washed an orange in it.

Yeah, I understand. Thank you very much.

So, are they going to take the car back?

Or, will--me--somebody--me--have to keep it?

Me.

Sorry--you--they said they'd take it back--you.

So somebody's out of luck.

You.

So, uh,

great! We've just got to go down and get Loretta back.

I'd love to, but the problem is they've

already sold Loretta to the junkyard.

So, we go buy her back.

I mean, I wouldn't call that a problem.

Here's your car!

Now this

I call a problem!

W-We don't know for sure that this is Loretta.

There's only one way to find out.

Yep,

Grandpa's hair tonic.

And one of Mamaw's half-eaten

butterscotch candies.

This is why we usually leave him at home.

Uh-huh.

Say now,

did you want this delivered or

did you want to drive it out of here?

Sorry, just a little junkyard humor.

Seriously, delivery is a hundred bucks.

Kids, there's only one thing left to do.

You and I are going camping.

Miley, you call us when she leaves.

Thank you, chicken and

chicken byproducts.

You know, there's got to be an intelligent

and logical solution.

Ooh,

I got it.

How about we

pour some water on it until it pops up!

You know, like one of those cute little

spongy dinosaur thingies?

Glug, glug, glug, glug.

Let me get this straight,

you generally leave him at home, but you bring her?

Welcome to my world.

Just face it, Miles, it's over.

All right, i-it's not like the time you went to Washington

and I forgot to feed your goldfish

so I replaced it with a look-alike and you never knew.

You flushed Scaley Joel Osment?

Hey, hey,

now if you folks are looking to replace this car,

I've got one in the back, looks just like her.

Hey, Dad, that does look like Loretta.

I don't know, something about it just don't feel right.

Well,

there he is, Robby Stewart,

the porky son who broke his mamma's heart!

We'll take it.

W-W-W-Where's the money?

Th-There's no money in here!

It's been a slow day.

What are you talking about?

The beach is packed!

What could possibly be keeping the people away?

Excuse me, mister.

What do you want?

A hot dog?

Why?

I love hot dogs!

Well,

it doesn't matter what you love.

Because sooner or later your

precious little hot dog is going to turn on you

because you forgot its stupid hundred day- aversary!

Okay, I'll have nachos.

They hate you, too!

Live with it!

What a freak.

What are you doing?

I heard change in his pocket!

Change that should have been mine!

Snap out of it!

I want Mister Happy back!

Okay. Hey, you know what?

Mister Happy doesn't live in here anymore.

I quit.

You can't quit!

You need to get back here and get happy!

Rico, what's the point?

What's the point?

Money!

W-What other point is there?

Oh, okay, fine!

Go!

I don't need you!

I can be Mister H appy!

Yeah right! Sure!

Again,

who asked you?

This is in way better shape than Loretta.

Yeah, what kind of junk dealer are you?

Hey, I'm sorry,

this is the worst I can do.

Hollywood!

The longer I'm here the weirder it gets.

Hey, you know what, kids? It's all right.

A few dents, some scrapes, scratches,

forty years of assorted smells and

we'll be able to give the old rattle trap

back to the old rattle trap.

She called me fat!

Well, but what about Mamaw's seat

covers and her fluffy steering wheel

thingy and all the other stuff?

Oh, no, I-I took that all out

before I crushed her.

I've got it right here.

You are a life saver!

I just like to make people happy.

That'll be fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks?

Who's that making happy?

Me.

Come on man, we need this stuff.

Sorry, I did not know that.

Let's call it a hundred.

Way to haggle, Porky.

Ah, there.

Now it looks just like the time I snuck out after

curfew and fell all the way from the second floor window.

Landed right on the old keister.

Ever since then this cheek's been

just a little flatter than the other one.

Wait, so you, uh,

you snuck out after curfew?

Did I say snuck out?

I meant I was painting the side of the house.

Well, uh,

I heard a little rumor that Miley might be

painting the side of the house Saturday night.

I'm just saying.

Now,

to take care of that time Mamaw got a

little too close to the town police car.

Nice!

Okay,

I think I got everything that we need.

I've got

Grandpa's hair tonic.

And

ketchup for in between the seats.

Now,

mix it all together.

There we go.

And just a little orange soda for, uh,

stickying up the dash.

You know, this is coming together a whole lot

better than I thought it would.

Oh, you know, there's something missing.

You're right.

It's the subtle hint of cat pee in the back seat.

I'm way ahead of you, Daddy.

Say hello to Burt.

And, uh, just FYI,

that's his second bowl of milk. So

he should be ready to spring a leak any minute.

Yeah,

yeah, that's brilliant. Look, he's not doing anything.

Well, maybe he just needs a little encouragement.

Go, Burt, go.

Go, Burt, go.

Go, Burt, go.

Go, Burt, go.

Go, Burt!

You know how I'm always complaining the

three of us don't do enough stuff together?

I'm done with that.

Rico!

Rico, have you seen Oliver?

Or should I say the most wonderful,

beautiful, sensitive guy in the whole world!

Whoa, what happened?

I thought you never wanted to see him again.

Oh, that was before he wrote me this.

"Lilly, my soul, my life, my love.

My angel sent from heaven above.

Without you near my heart is broken.

Best regards, Oliver Oken."

Who knew he was so deep? I know!

There he is! Run to him, child, run!

Oh, Oliver, I'm so sorry!

You are?

Yes, yes, and I forgive you.

You do? Yes, and I love your poem.

My poem?

Yes, uh, the beautiful poem you

wrote her expressing your love.

I am so happy!

Well, then I'm happy too!

Yeah, we are all happy!

Happy, happy, happy! Now get back to work.

Okay! Okay.

I'll miss you, I'll miss you too, Ollie-pop! Oh, you're so cute. Oh, Lilly-pop!

Another reason I don't have a girlfriend.

Yeah right! Yeah right. Yeah.

Oh, get a life, people!

Mamaw! Come here! Come on, Mamaw! Come on out!

What in tarnation is all of the noise--

Loretta!

You're back!

Whew!

Oh, I missed you. Aw.

Sorry we tried to separate you two.

Oh, you were just doing what you thought was right.

Even though you were wronger than tofu bacon.

I mean, really, what is the point of that stuff?

She looks great, doesn't she?

I mean, look at that scrape.

If that doesn't say Loretta,

I don't know what does.

Jackson. Look,

all I'm saying is, you can't duplicate a scratch like that.

It'd take a genius.

Yep, and we don't got any of those here,

so, uh, how about we go inside

and have a good laugh about it, huh?

I'll start.

Walk.

You go on ahead, son. I just--

I want to have a moment with my girl, here.

Take all the time you need.

Check out the dent!

Let's go. Ow, ow, okay.

You know, don't you?

Of course I do.

I really am sorry, Mamaw.

We tried to get her back, it was just--

We were too late.

It's okay.

Get on in here.

Are you sure you're not mad?

How can I be mad at a family

that loves me so much

that they would go to all this trouble to help me hold onto something

that I should've gotten rid of when I tossed

my spandex disco pants.

I wish I could've seen those.

Yeah you do.

I was foxy.

But, what about all your memories?

I still have those.

And now thanks to you all, I have another one.

Oh, sweetie.

You're not crying, are you?

No, it's just,

that cat did a good job.

Ew!

Thanks for changing your mind about the car, Ma.

I'm going to feel a whole lot better knowing you're

traveling in this.

And we really are sorry about Loretta.

Oh, I know you are. And don't you

fret none. I will always have her in my heart.

We'll miss you, Mamaw. I'll miss you, too, babies.

Well,

I guess I'd better hit the road.

Hey, and you don't have to worry about directions.

I've already programmed the GPS.

You won't need a map the whole way there.

Oh! Bye! Drive safe, Mamaw.

In fifty feet,

turn right.

Well, thank you, darling.

In forty-five feet,

turn right.

Okay, I got it.

In forty feet,

turn right.

You going to do this all the way back to Tennessee?

In thirty-five feet,

turn right.

Oh, shut up!

You programmed it so she couldn't turn it off,

didn't you?

Teach her to call me fat.