Original subtitles

Sorry, Carl, the answer is six.

That means you are dumber than a dog.

Wow.

When is this not on?

Next up, a CD from rapper White Gold.

Or should I say, Warren Goldblatt.

Another prep school poser whining about

how hard it is out there to be a "gangsta."

Barney Bittman, I love that guy!

Oh, I love this!

Are you guys serious?

He trashes practically everybody.

I would not waste two seconds on that

squinty-eyed little weasel.

Coming up a CD from teen pop sensation, Mikayla.

Or should I say teen "poop" sensation.

Move over and hit record.

"If Cupid Had A Heart."

Give me a break.

If Mikayla had a heart,

she'd stop singing!

But I did buy two of her CDs

and they were fantastic!

At blocking out her moose calls!

Crush her, Barney baby!

Coming up next week I review yet another teen pop sensation,

Hannah Montana.

Whoop dee doo.

Barney Bittman?

Whose career is that squishy-faced snake going after this time?

Daddy,

there is no way I'm letting Barney Bittman review my concert.

Can't I just have the flu?

Mile, why are you letting this guy get to you?

What's the worst thing he can say?

Well, how about "Hannah Montana,

what did that poor state ever do to you?"

You know that sounds exactly like something he would say.

Mile-Miley's right there.

Where?

- And it would be terrible. - It'd be just awful.

And, honey, it wouldn't matter.

You said yourself the guy's a jerk.

Yeah, but he's a jerk who knows good music.

And if he doesn't like me, then

maybe I'm no better than Mikayla.

Oh, Miley Stewart,

you don't believe that any more than

I believe calling a snail "escargot" is gonna stop it

from tasting like a salty loogie.

You know, as gross as that sounds,

I have to agree.

He's right.

Miley, you're way better than a salty loogie.

Fine. I'll do the concert.

But if Barney Bittman's going to be there,

this has got to be the best show I have ever done.

All week I am going to rehearse.

No distractions,

- no interruptions-- - Surprise, surprise!

Uncle Earl!

I ran over this in Texas.

Who wants to grill it up?

Oh, sweet niblets.

Whoo, doggies! Look at this place.

You folks sure live high on the hog.

Speaking of hogs.

I can't believe you brought Cuddles.

Well, I needed someone to keep me company.

It was either him or Aunt Pearl.

And this one doesn't need to stop every twenty minutes to tinkle.

Hey, Uncle Earl, what's this?

Oh, that's Cuddles's tinkle box.

- Ew, ew, ew. - Oh, you are such a wimp.

Take it back,

- take it back. - Oh, it's getting on me!

It's getting--Oh,

it's seeping through my clothes!

Daddy, you know I love Uncle Earl,

but how am I going to focus on my concert with him here?

Mile, I wouldn't even worry about it.

If I know Earl,

all he's going to want to do is run around Hollywood

with a map of the stars' homes

and play Celebrity Ding Dong Ditch.

Like you did when we first moved here?

Good times,

good times. Yeah.

So, Earl, what do you want to do first?

Venice Beach,

the Hollywood Sign,

maybe play a little Ding Dong Ditch?

Ooh, that sounds tempting,

but I'm out here on a mission.

I'm gonna be a rock star!

What?

I know it sounds crazy.

But, Robby Ray,

you followed your dream

and I've always kicked myself for giving up on mine.

I mean, look at us.

Remember when I was the hot one?

He was the hot one?

No, it's true.

Uncle Earl was the prom king and Dad had a uni-brow.

Sexiest uni-brow in Buford County.

You know, all these years I've wondered

what would have happened if I'd stayed with my music?

Would I have a little bit more of this?

Maybe just a little bit less of this?

Well, now with the help of Hannie Montanie,

I'm gonna know for sure!

Uncle who showed up at the worst time possible, say what?

I know what you're thinking.

This "unk" can't bring the "funk."

Well, get ready to scream like a girl

when you feel the power of Uncle Earl.

Well, what'd you think?

I think I lost a filling!

Me too.

- I'll drive you to the dentist! - Okay.

Be honest.

I can honestly say

I've never heard anything like it before.

And I may never hear anything ever again.

Like that.

Because it was special.

So, you'll help me?

A talent like yours just screams "help me", Earl.

I knew my kin would be there for me.

There's just one little problem.

You see, I have this concert on Saturday

and this major critic is coming

and so I'm going to be rehearsing every minute,

- so I don't - That's no problem.

That's perfect!

What better way for me to learn

how to be a rock star than to follow you around?

You won't even know I'm there.

Just a little fly on the wall.

Just a little fly on the wall.

I'm going to be needing a really big fly swatter.

I am a rock star

Whoa

Yeah

That was awesome!

That was awesome. Great job, guys.

I can already hear Barney Bittman saying

"What a band,

what a girl,

what a show!"

All right,

now let's kick some butt on "Nobody's Perfect"

and call it a great day.

Let's go.

Uncle Earl,

what are you doing?

Watching your rock star moves.

Gee, thanks.

Earl! Dang flabbit. There you are.

Come on, Robby Ray.

I've done seen the lighting booth, the sound booth, the dressing room.

I just want to watch one song real close up please.

Now, Earl, that puppy dog face used to work when we were kids,

but I'm a man now.

Oh, what the heck, Miley?

One song won't hurt, will it?

Thank you, Oh Man of Steel.

Okay,

you can watch one song,

but please,

just don't get in the way?

I won't. Fly on the wall.

You won't even know I'm here.

Won't even know I'm here.

- Not here. - Look out, Uncle Earl!

Whoa.

Oh, Earl, you clumsy dang clodhopper!

Sorry, young fellow.

It's cool.

It was an accident.

Are you hurt, son?

I think I broke my hand.

Oh, but you can still play, right?

No!

But I'm sorry; I mean it's just so important. I-I--

Don't worry kiddo.

I caused this problem, I'm gonna fix it.

I don't like where this is going.

Hannie Montanie,

say howdy to your brand new guitar player!

Everybody makes mistakes

Everybody has them days

Are you sure you can't play with your feet?

Daddy, what am I going to do?

As soon as Barney Bittman sees me on stage

with Uncle Earl he'll rip me worse than Mikayla.

Maybe Earl won't be that bad.

I'm gonna be a rock star,

I'm gonna be a rock star.

He's doing a jig with a pig!

I'll go talk to him.

Perfect. Dad'll talk to him.

He'll understand.

And everything'll be okay.

So... Who wants pie?

You caved, didn't you?

I'm sorry, honey, but

he looked at me with that puppy dog face.

I've got a puppy dog face, too.

Oh.

No, Earl's got you beat.

Fine. I'll go talk to him.

I can't believe it, Pearl.

Miley's making my dream come true.

I feel like Sanjaya,

you know, in the early rounds.

And, you know what?

Ever since I found out I was in the band,

I'm not hungry all the time.

It's like I was eating to fill the emptiness,

and now my guts are filled with love.

And it's all because of Miley.

So how'd it go?

He said I filled his guts with love.

Well, this is quite the dilemma.

You can't keep Uncle Earl away from the critic

and you still haven't figured out

how to keep the critic away from Uncle Earl.

What to do, what to do?

What's it going to cost me?

Hundred bucks and Cuddles sleeps in your room.

- Fine. - And you clean the tinkle box.

Yours or the pig's?

Don't push it.

Now all you have to do is get Barney

to leave the concert to go to a party at Ozzy Osbourne's.

Perfect plan!

If I knew Ozzy Osbourne!

Oh, well-well you do now, love. Sharon!

Hannah, this place is packed!

And I can see Barney Bittman in the balcony.

Does he look happy?

Catch of the day?

What day? Last Thursday?

Not really.

Miley, the show's going to start in five minutes!

Where's Uncle Earl?

Maybe he got stage fright!

You know, deep down, he really is very shy.

Check out your funky uncle!

I'm a rock star!

Okay, um,

Funkle Earl,

I love the whole flaming head thing you got going on.

Just can we bring it down a notch?

Or more? A lot?

Whatever you're comfortable with.

A lot would be good.

Sorry, it's hard to take it down on the greatest night of my life!

I mean look at me,

I'm so excited I'm sweating my flames off!

Well then let's go get you a towel.

And maybe a big hat.

Or whatever you're comfortable with.

A big hat would be good.

Well, I guess it's all up to Jackson now.

Pray with me.

Oh, Barney!

Barney,

you cheeky monkey.

Come give Ozzy some love.

- Oh. - Ozzy!

Ozzy, you look terrible.

What are you doing at a Hannah Montana concert?

Oh, is-is that where I am?

I-I thought-I though I was getting a taco.

Listen... Listen... Listen...

I'm listening!

Well?

You didn't say anything!

Oh. Oh, right.

Um, there's a party at my house,

come on.

Wait-Wait a minute.

I-I have to review Hannah Montana.

Oh, but Sharon's making guaca-guaca...

avocados all mushed together! It's very good.

Okay,

I'll go with you, but j-just one question.

How stupid do you think I am?

I was hoping a lot.

Enjoy the show!

Jackson's plan is gonna work.

Jackson's plan is gonna work.

Great news. My plan worked!

It did?

Yep.

Bittman's on his way to Ozzy's right now so just,

go out there,

have a great concert and don't worry about a thing.

- You're lying. - How did you know?

Your lips are moving.

I'm sorry. I-I tried.

Y'all saw what Barney Bittman did to Mikayla.

Think about what's going to happen to me

when he sees me on stage with the Earl of Embarrassment?

I'm an embarrassment to you?

- Ow, my tooth! - Mine, too!

Okay. Be right back.

Nice flames.

Uncle Earl, I--

Earl, I found you a hat!

It's a big one too!

You don't want me to play with you, do you?

Oh, boy.

No, I don't.

Earl, this is my fault.

I should've been honest with you from the get-go.

- We love you, it's just - It's just this show,

it's so important and-and you're so...

Stupid.

Oh, come on now, Earl.

I mean you don't have to --

Oh, what was I thinking, trying to be a rock star?

I was born a loser.

I'm always going to be a loser.

I'm the most embarrassing dang doofus in this whole family.

Worst than Unlucky Bucky,

or Wacky Wilbur, or even Jackson.

Hey!

Good grief, boy, look what you're wearing!

And now, the legendary Tower of Blues

is proud to present Hannah Montana!

Uncle Earl...

That's all right.

Robby can play the guitar parts.

He's got the hair for it!

I'm sorry, Earl. Come on, darling,

it's show time.

Oh Yeah

How you doing, Tower of Blues? Are you ready to rock?

Keep playing, Daddy. I'll be right back.

Come on, guitar man!

- Drop your snack, your in the act! - What?

Yeah, come on. I need my funky uncky on stage!

I thought you was worried about that big time critic.

I was, but I was wrong.

The truth is, I don't care what anybody thinks.

Everyone deserves a chance to live their dream

and yours is waiting for you on that stage.

So come on I don't have time to argue.

Well, wait for me!

Now we're ready to rock!

Can't sleep?

How'd you know I was out here?

This is where I came after my first concert.

Pretty pumped, aren't you?

Kiddo, I haven't been this excited since the last time

I saw my belt buckle.

You were awesome tonight.

Aw, thank you.

I can't believe you were foolish enough

to let this old hillbilly out on stage.

Hey, if you can't be a fool for family,

who can you be a fool for?

So, what are you going to do now?

I'm going to go home.

I miss my Pearl.

But what about your rock star dream?

I lived it tonight, thanks to you.

And sitting here,

I've realized something very, very important.

What's that?

I can't get up.

How about I help you up?

All right.

What's next?

Oh, yeah.

Hannah Montana.

First of all,

the name: it rhymes. Cute, but why?

This is not starting off well.

Why don't I just change the channel?

I think "Are You Dumber Than A Dog?" is on.

Oh yeah!

It'll be much more fun watching Oliver lose to the Beagle again.

That dog was coached!

Guys, it's cool.

I-I did right by my family and that's all that matters.

Hannah and her band gave one of the most bizarre,

chaotic performances I've ever experienced.

Don't care, don't care, don't care.

And I loved every minute of it!

It was pure old school,

kick-butt rock n' roll.

The way it should be!

Yes! In your face, Mikayla!

He likes me.

Barney Bittman likes me!

Not that I care.