Original subtitles

Miley, unless you want to do sound check in front of an audience,

you best make like a cow and move!

What the heck takes you girls so long?

Wig.

-Makeup. -Wardrobe.

-Bling. -Bling.

And then you hate it, and got to start all over again.

Good. You guys are still here.

Yeah, and trying hard not to be,

so whatever it is you're here for, make it quick.

We don't have time for another bling crisis.

Well, l was just coming to wish Miley luck at the concert,

which l won't be going to, again.

Oliver, you know if you want a ticket, all you have to do is ask me.

Great. Can l have three, one for me and my two best friends?

Wait a minute, they'll already be there.

Backstage, where l wasn't invited, again.

Dang it, Oliver, this is my favourite outfit,

and now you're getting guilt all over it.

Don't worry, we'll open the windows in the limo, and it will blow right off.

-Let's go. -Sure, make jokes.

l'll go home and laugh at them alone, again.

-Well... -Miley, conference!

You're not actually thinking about this, are you?

Well, he's never been backstage to anything.

l know this is kind of our special thing, and you might be kind of jealous...

Jealous?

l... l am not jealous.

Yes, you are.

l am not talking to you.

Look, l just don't want you to be embarrassed, okay?

And let's face it, he's just not as sophisticated

as Lola Luftnagle, international jetsetter.

And l'm embarrassing?

Fine, you're in.

What?

l meant to do that.

Hey, has Oliver gotten here yet?

No. He texted me he's having a little trouble putting together a disguise.

This ought to be good.

Will you relax? l'm sure everything's gonna be fine.

Good evening.

Let's pump some blood into this party!

A vampire? Really?

Was your wolfman costume in the cleaners?

Will you relax? l'm sure everything's gonna be fine.

Stop enjoying this!

Hey, this is the best l could do on short notice.

And if l was invited earlier, l would've had time to...

-Grow some fangs? -l forgot.

-Fix him! -Why can't you fix him?

Once again, give it up for Hannah Montana!

l'm a little busy right now.

Thank you! l love you, too. Good night, everybody!

So, where's Count Dorkula?

Well, thanks to your brilliant friend, Lola, Count Dorkula is no more-kula.

Yo, l'm hanging with Hannah 'cause l'm more than just a fan-nah

With her posse, l can mesh 'cause l'm fricky-fricky fresh

Word

You couldn't have found a costume that covered his mouth?

What is that beard made of anyway? Armpit hair?

You said nobody could tell.

Well, you're lucky l found this.

And by the way, l kind of promised your stage manager a raise.

lt's all good, Dougie D.

This is awesome! Thank you so much.

Watching from backstage was so...

lf you say ''fricky-fricky fun,'' you're going home.

Sorry. l didn't get the rule book.

Okay, well, Hannah backstage rule number one, be calm.

Be cool. Be...

-Anything but that. -Look! Look!

-lt's Guillermo Montoya! -He is so cute!

You are such girls.

He's the number one tennis player in the world,

and all you care about is how cute he is.

Yeah, what's your point?

Hannah Montana. Guillermo Montoya.

You don't have to tell me. l know who you are.

l know you know, but l like saying it.

Montana, Montoya, Montana, Montoya. You try it. lt's fun.

-Montana, Montoya, Montana... -Montana, Montoya, Montana...

Not you!

Who are your colourful friends?

Well, Guillermo, this is Lola Luftnagle.

You can call me Gui.

very smooth.

And, Gui, this is my friend...

Mike Stand.

Mike. Stand. Lee.

Mike Standly, the third.

And hopefully, the last.

Hey, l'm staying, and l'm playing till my hair starts a-greying.

My friends. Aren't they something?

Colourful. Strange.

l love them! And l loved you on stage tonight.

You were like me on the tennis court. A tiger.

Excuse me.

-He thinks l'm a tiger. -He thinks l'm colourful!

That just leaves strange for you, Mikey.

Doesn't sound good.

Even with that adorable accent.

ls everything okay?

My celebrity partner for this pro-am sprained her thumb speed-texting.

Well, l just so happen to know a celebrity with a wicked serve

and a very cute tennis outfit.

You're kidding!

Hannah, if you can play, you're my new partner.

Well, then get ready to rally,

'cause you're looking at the girl that put the tennis in Tennessee!

Fantastic!

You don't play tennis.

And l don't skydive, either,

but, honey, l'd jump out of a plane with that boy any day.

Excuse me, l'm very thirsty and l've lost my purse.

Wow, sounds like you have a problem.

That's good.

Please, l can't pay, but l'll gladly tell your fortune for a water.

l already have a fortune. Why?

Because l don't give away stuff for free.

You are an evil little boy.

Because your heart is cold, terrible things will happen to you.

Until you learn to be nice, you are cursed!

What was that all about?

Some scam artist tried to work me for a free water. Now l'm cursed.

That was a coincidence.

Wow. How about them apples?

What in the Sam heck are you doing?

l'm practising my grunt. All great tennis players have a signature grunt.

Well, you sound like Uncle Earl doing his annual sit-up.

''Well, that ought to do it for this year.''

Daddy, come on. l can't help it if l'm pumped.

l am gonna be serving it up with the cutest guy in tennis!

And it's all for charity.

Yeah, l was getting to that.

By the way, the people from the tournament called,

they can only get you one ticket.

One ticket?

Now l've got to choose between Lilly and Oliver.

This ought to be fun.

lt won't be no problem, honey. Just tell them the truth.

They're your friends. They'll understand.

-She's taking me! Tell him! -She's taking me! Tell her!

Way to go, Dad.

Now, honey, l said they'd understand. l didn't say they'd be happy about it.

-l'm going! -No, l'm going!

-Miley! -Miley!

Hey, look on the bright side, l think you found your tennis grunt.

Can l have another napkin, please?

One per cone! You got a problem with that? Use your shirt!

-You're mean! -You're mean.

Caterpillar!

l almost ate that!

You know, l accidentally ate a caterpillar once.

Week later, burped up a butterfly.

This isn't funny. Flying caramel apples, caterpillars...

That embarrassing oil stain on the back of your pants.

What?

l've been cursed! Jackson, you've got to help me!

How? The fortuneteller said that you were cursed

until you learned how to be nice.

And l think we both know that's never gonna happen.

Yes, it is!

There you go, sweetie. All better.

Yes! lt worked!

l've got to go tell Grandma where l hid her teeth.

Bravo. Bravo. You were all brilliant.

And worth every penny.

Hey, Jackson.

-Can't wait for our date on Saturday. -Me, too, Steph.

You did all of this just to get one Saturday off?

Of course not.

Hey, Jackson. l'll see you next Saturday.

l did it for all the Saturdays.

So, what are you doing in two weeks?

l don't see me in your future.

You will kiss me or you will be cursed.

Heads, l take Oliver. Tails, l take Lilly.

Come on!

-Stop pushing! Get out of my way! -Move out of my way.

Hey! Hey, Miley, l made you a cake! Look, it has hearts on it.

Real subtle! Buttering her up with cake with hearts!

Pathetic.

Hey, Miley, l made you a shirt!

-She's taking me! -She's taking me!

Keep this up,

and neither of you are going to the tennis tournament tomorrow!

Are you guys talking about the celebrity pro-am this weekend?

Not now, Rico.

Because l have a ticket l'm not using.

l said not...

Teenie-weenie meanie say what?

-You can have it if you want. -What's the catch?

No catch. l'm going to be spending the day petting homeless cats.

Ladies and gentlemen, your guest umpire,

TV's favourite talk show host, colin Lassiter.

Thank you.

And welcome to the United Peoples Relief celebrity Pro-Am.

Taking the court right now, Andy Roddick

and his partner, the adorable Dakota Fanning.

And entering from the north side,

Guillermo Montoya and his partner,

in her first appearance on the pro-am circuit,

America's songbird, Hannah Montana!

All right, Hannah! Hannah, sitting pretty in the sit-tay!

Will you have some class, please?

Hey!

lt sounds like you guys are having a great time.

You want to know how l know?

Because l can hear y'all from all the way over there!

-Sorry. -Sorry.

The main thing is you guys are my friends,

you guys are here and you have awesome seats.

You're right. And it's all fricky, fricky...Are you kidding me?

Oh, boy.

Hannah.

Excuse us, señorita.

One little itty-bitty thing, Guillermo Montoya never loses!

-Never! -Never?

Not even in a little charity game? You know, for fun?

Fun is for losers! l'll take care of Roddick.

You make Dakota cry more than she did in that pig movie.

Hi, Dakota!

Aim for her head.

l'm not gonna aim for her...

Okay.

Switch seats with me!

-Gee, let me think. No. -But it's not fair.

You're lucky you're even here in the first place. Now, stop talking to me.

lf you two are finished... First service, Hannah Montana.

Hey, cutie with the tomato head, turn off the cell phone.

Sorry. Forgot to put it on vibrate.

-Hello? -Switch seats with me.

You're pathetic.

Switch seats with me. Switch seats with me.

Switch seats with me. Switch seats with me.

Knock it off!

Love- 1 5.

lt could be a long day.

We're having some fun now!

l thought you put the tennis in Tennessee.

l guess l just kind of left it there.

-Cute outfit though, right? -Not cute enough.

Honey, the court's over here.

Yeah, l know. Just a loose lace. Let me just take care of that over here.

Stop talking! You're making me look bad.

l wouldn't know. l can't see.

Well, boo-hoo fricky-fricky hoo.

Excuse me, ma'am, do you mind taking off your hat? My friend can't see.

Of course. l'm sorry.

Sweet niblets.

Hey, Rico, nice sweater.

lt's not a sweater. l was petting cats all day.

Hey, Jackson, you ready to go?

Yeah. Just one sec.

Listen, boss, l got to leave a little early, so...

Don't give it a second thought, but before you go

l promised a couple of Wilderness Girls l'd find them a ride.

Their mom's car ran out of gas, and they need to deliver their cookies.

Well, Rico, l'm getting ready to leave.

l was a Wilderness Girl once. Jackson, go ahead. l mean, l'll wait.

Okay. l mean, two girls, how long can it take?

Follow this nice man, kids.

l'll go help your mom unload the rest of the truck.

The truck?

lt's been 45 minutes. Switch with me.

No! l get the best seat 'cause l'm her best friend.

You mean her greediest friend!

Well, it's better than being her dumbest friend!

l'd rather be stupid than greedy.

Of course, 'cause you're stupid.

Will you two just work it out?

l'm gonna remember that, Dakota.

-Steph, you're still here! -Jackson, what's that all over you?

Cookies!

l didn't drive fast enough, so the Wilderness Girls threw them at me,

but, on the plus side, we don't have to buy candy at the movies.

Do you like Chocolate ButterClusters or FatMints?

Wait.

l promised that little boy you'd get his kite off of that tree.

What?

And then you have to help me get a beached whale back into the ocean.

-But... -And also there's...

Wait a minute, l know exactly what's going on.

He hired you, didn't he? Didn't he?

Jackson, what's wrong with you?

That's right, cry! Cry, you little faker! You little...

Jackson, you're... You're horrible!

Wait, Steph! You don't understand!

l hired a fortuneteller to scare Rico into being nice!

Somehow he found out, and now he's trying to get back at me! Steph!

Jackson, Jackson, Jackson.

All right, who told you?

Actually, you did. Just now.

-What? -Up until then, l didn't have a clue.

Now, l've got a lot of mean to catch up on,

and you know what they say, cruelty, like charity, begins at home.

Well, with this serve, Roddick-Fanning could win the match,

and let's face it, my dog and l could win the match.

l swear, if you cost me this match,

l will go home tonight, dress up like you

and hit myself in the face.

You have got some serious issues, my friend.

Excuse me.

Sorry. l lost a nickel.

Keep it.

-What are you doing in my hair? -Sorry, my hand's stuck.

Well, get it out!

Help me.

Like l said, you're pathetic.

Great, now l'm stuck. You and your stupid rings.

-lt's a lob! l got it! -No, no, no.

-l got it. -l got it.

l'm sorry l was jealous.

And l'm sorry we made this your problem

when it was clearly Lilly's.

And mine.

And, next time Hannah has one ticket, you should go.

-No, you should go. -l said you!

-No, you. You're impossible! -You're impossibler!

Hello! Girl wrapped up in a net here!

Yes, very interesting.

What do you see?

You, dancing in front of many people.

Fortuneteller say what?

l'm not much of a dancer.

l can see that, too.

But if you would just bend your knees...

That's it. Give it a rest, woman. l'm out of here.

Oh, sure, now you move your feet!