Original subtitles

This program is rated 14+,

and contains scenes of violence, coarse language,

and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

My name is Jordan.

I'm a financial analyst

and a hopeless romantic.

And I'm here to fall in love.

So, unfortunately, I am going home.

Um, she found out I was Asian right away.

Uh, but which is understandable.

And, um...

And no worries.

Uh, we'll see where

the journey of love takes me next.

Um...

♪ It's 1:00 a.m., we've come this far ♪

Yeah, no worries.

Hush. Don't wake him.

He'll be having his night terrors soon.

Oh.

It's almost time.

You're about to enter a realm.

A realm of desire, dread,

fantasy, dreams and nightmares,

hopes and horrors.

Welcome to "The Terrors."

What's wrong with David?

Oh, he gets like this around his birthday.

Yeah, but don't worry.

We got a little surprise to cheer him up.

Oh, yeah? What's the surprise?

Okay, so, you know how much he loves magic

and Harry Potter?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so we got him a letter from Hogwarts

saying that he got in.

That's so sweet.

I know. Yeah. Oh.

It's coming down the chimney right now.

Oh. Okay. Oh.

Hon, something just came down the chimney for you.

What is it?

Um, it's a letter from Hogwarts.

Ooh! Ooh!

"Dear Mr. David Santos,"

we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted...

to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Apologies for the delay.

Your letter was stuck in an owl's nest for a few decades.

Term begins 1 September. Minerva McGonagall."

Yay! Whoo!

Happy birthday. Yay!

I always knew I was special.

And you all thought I was a loser.

But look at me now.

I'm a wizard.

Yeah, David, you do know that that's not--

Shut the fuck up, Marisa.

Oh.

Our whole lives, you pitied me.

Mom and dad, too.

I mean, they love you more, right?

Do you deny it? They love you more.

And it's just because you're cuter.

But now I pity you,

you Muggle slut.

Whoa! Whoa. Sweetie...

Yeah, sweetie. Kathleen, my wife,

who recoils when I touch her.

Sorry. Should I not have told them?

I bet they know. They can tell. Right?

You can tell I don't have sex.

Guess what.

I don't have to pretend to love you anymore.

I'm going to Hogwarts.

It's fake. It's a joke gift, David.

What?

Jesus Christ.

Dude, you are a 35-year-old

Filipino man.

Why would you get a letter to Hogwarts?

Because there was a mix-up.

The letter got stuck in an owl's nest.

It said so. It said so in the letter!

Look, why don't we just-- Get the fuck away from me!

Da-- Oh, my God. Oh!

David!

Slow down. Hand me the poker.

Avada Kedavra!

Did you just try to kill me?

No.

I see a broomstick.

Okay. I see a br--

Okay. Da-- David...

Best to take it at a run.

No! No, no, no! David!

You're a wizard, David!

Really?!

I guess I do kind of look like Dan Schneider.

No.

Okay, you guys.

This morning, Riley asked if I wanted any

hot ergonomics tips.

Ew!

Isn't that-- What are you doing?

What are you doing? She's so weird.

Come on, guys. Riley's... nice.

Okay, so go eat lunch with her

and get some sexy ergonomics tips.

Oh, my God. Jordan, here's your chance.

She's coming, she's coming, she's coming.

Good afternoon.

Hey, Riley. What's up?

Oh. Nothing much. I'm having a dinner party on Friday.

College friends, conversation.

Just a standard dinner party.

So, are you inviting us?

Oh, right. Yeah, if you want.

I mean, it's just a dinner party.

Nothing different about it.

No performing arts of any kind. Just standard conversation.

What?

Right. Actually, you know,

Jordan was looking for some Friday night plans.

Isn't that right, Jordan? No, I wasn't.

You don't have to come.

It's just a dinner party.

I just wanted to make that clear

that I'm having a very standard dinner party, nothing more.

Oh, my God!

Okay. Come on. Guys, that was mean.

Okay, so go to her dinner party then.

You know what? Maybe I will.

You're such a hero.

Fine. Go.

Enjoy yourself.

Bye. Your funeral.

Hey, Riley. Um...

I'm sorry about those guys. They, uh...

You've just had a breakthrough!

Oh. What's that? HeadKings.

It's a combo online talk therapy/sports-betting app.

Oh, nice.

Um, so, I'd love to come to your dinner party on Friday.

You would?

Yeah. It sounds fun.

Uh, should I bring anything or...

Uh, maybe some waters.

Oh, okay.

Hey!

It's, uh-- It's me, Jordan from-- from work.

I'm here for the dinner party.

Of course.

So sorry. Brain fog.

Please, come in. Can I take your coat?

Oh. Uh... I'm not wearing a coat.

Oh, right, right. Of course. Very good.

Wow!

Um, so, you said this was going to be your college friends?

Yeah.

Yeah, I told everyone 7:00.

They must be running a little bit late.

Hey, man, do I have your consent to engage

in some deep talk?

Like heart-to-heart stuff.

Oh, sure.

Okay. Great.

Meet me in the living room.

You got to keep this on the DL, but you're cool, so between us?

I've got something cooking tonight.

What? I got something cooking tonight.

But it's gotta stay between us, okay?

Fight Club rules. Yeah, sure.

You know how you're not allowed to host any poetry readings that

aren't officially sanctioned by the Slammers Union?

No. The Slammers Union?

The Slammers Union has an iron fist

on all the poetry readings in the city, okay?

They run this town.

They're like the Sopranos, only violent.

But honestly, dude, they're threatened.

They're threatened by up-and-coming talent like me.

And I'm fucking sick of it. So tonight, we rise up.

We? Like a big F-you to the Slammers Union.

Our own secret reading.

Okay. Um...

Riley, listen, I'm not much of a poetry guy.

Keep your voice down.

The Slammers Union cannot find out about this,

or else.

Or else what?

They'll slam us.

Oh, shit! Okay. Show's in five minutes.

I gotta go in the greenroom.

Remember, Fight Club rules.

Thank you, thank you!

Who's ready for some slam poetry?

Slam poetry deserves to be free and uncaged.

Tonight is our revolution.

Uh, excited to share a new work.

It's called "Welcome to My World of Piss."

Why do people lie.

Tell me if you dare to try.

Why can't they look me in the eye?

Right before they say, "Bye-bye."

Today, I will journey my imagination reverie.

Blonde, brunette, redhead, what shall I be?

Did you know that I can talk to guns?

Mommy, daddy, does that sound fun?

Ooh, I've got an idea, President Bush.

Why don't you rank all the racist faces?

One black, two white, three Filipino.

Filipino? What does he know?

Aren't all Filipinos bad, though?

Turns out they've never met my friend from work.

He's one of the good Asians.

And that's "Hallelujah," written by Susan Boyle.

Makes me feel sad as hell every time you hear it.

Before the day that I reach my end.

I hope to meet that ultimate guy friend.

He doesn't flee whenever I enter.

We study Sublime tabs at Guitar Center.

What was that?

The door.

Sounded like a slam.

No, I think it was knocking at the door.

Calm down. It's-- You have to kill me!

What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Please.

Just do it. I can't do it myself. Please.

Put the gun away.

I texted our friends. They're our co-workers.

They're here. Go. Stay low.

Riley, be normal!

It's our co-workers. See?

- Hi! - Hi!

New besties. Are we interrupting?

Sorry. I thought you were someone else.

Looks like you guys are having a little poetry night.

You guys having fun?

Yeah.

Riley was just trying out some of her new material.

That's great.

So, can I see your papers

or talk to your steward, maybe?

What?

Well, you're having a slam poetry night,

so I assume you're in the book. Ooh!

And you must have your union cards on you?

Unless we have a problem we need to deal with?

Oh, God.

You wouldn't be trying to pull a...

a rat job, now, would you?

Sure looks like a rat job to me.

No, please. Guys, come on. Are you...

Please don't slam me. ...fucking around?

Please don't slam me, I respect the union.

Stay still, you lowlife scab!

Please don't slam me.

Please! No! Please! Please don't slam me! Please!

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Run! Run! Slam!

Slam! Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Say you're Hagrid. I don't know, man.

Look me in the eyes and say you're Hagrid.

I'll suck your dick if you say you're Hagrid.

Come on. Please, please!

Hey, hey! Please!

I just need you to say you're Hagrid!

I would rather hang myself...