Original subtitles

Come on, help me.

I think I'm passing bad money.

Counterfeit?

And you think it came from me?

It's true.

It could be in big trouble.

I think I'm falling in love.

You hardly know me.

She's got the sickness.

A real composer.

Mr. Hammer.

When somebody treats me, it is common practice to have that someone punished.

Before I knew it, I had an arm full of money.

Addiction.

Believe me, I know.

I've been there myself.

You seem a little distracted.

This is personal.

I really don't feel like getting into it right now.

Good luck.

To

look at the front page to know that the world was running amok with wars,

famine, and political scandal.

In fact, today I didn't care.

Because the sports page told me that it was my lucky day.

Basketball playoffs were in full swing and everyone of my teams beat the spread.

Charlie Duryay was my friend.

And I was going to be especially happy to see him.

Because Charlie was also my bookie.

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Mike.

I expected to find you parked at my doorstep.

I mean, after all, it ain't every day you hit a $12 team $2.00 party.

I knew it would happen sooner or later.

I just wish it had been sooner.

And just when you had almost paid my kids way too dental college.

600.

20.

Thank you, Charlie.

Listen, what the world does not need is another dentist.

That's what I keep telling them.

Listen, give me $10 in a sweet filly name, velvet sky, and a third in aqueduct.

You got it.

It was kind of nice knowing I could clear up my tab with the light and easing.

And velvet would get paid in time to take that vacation

she'd been planning for the last hundred years.

I wanted to get her a little going away present.

I figured she deserved it after all she'd put up with.

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm looking for something special for a lady.

Maybe perfume?

Here's something special I think you like.

It's called summer lust.

Yeah, it's nice.

How much is it?

$134.50.

Have you got something a little less lusty?

Okay.

Sunset Musk goes for $42.50.

Give track.

That's more like it.

I'll take that.

Okay, well that'd be cash or charge.

Oh, cash or?

I'll have your change in just a moment.

How about something for you?

Oh, we have a fantastic aftershave.

It's called Beastmaster.

What do you think?

I think I'm going to have to burn my clothes.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind stepping over to the cashier's desk, please?

Sure.

Any problem?

This bill is counterfeit, sir.

You don't think you're in trouble, do you?

You really don't?

No, I don't.

But whoever stepped me out of that $600 is, I had plans for that money.

Where did you get it?

From my trust fund.

Listen, you want to talk to the Secret Service?

They're not thoughtful and considerate and far-seeing and open-minded like I am.

Larry, what is he doing in here?

He's paying his long overdue debt to society.

Oh, come on, Mike.

Wouldn't only pass that bill.

Besides, the rest of the officer backs him up.

Then why won't he tell me where he got it?

Mike.

There's a payoff on a bet.

Charlie's paying off and counterfeit.

I'll kill him.

Who is Charlie?

My bookie.

So obviously, I'm involved with this.

I wish you'd let me handle it.

That makes sense, Larry.

What makes sense?

Whoever's meeting those $100 bills is still out there.

Let's bust them.

That's Bookham.

Hey, fine, fine.

Obviously, you're on his side.

I mean, who am I to go against you two?

Bit am I?

By the way, Larry.

That $10 bill.

Was that a fake, too?

What?

I was paid $600 and $10.

Hey, I'm just keeping you sharp.

That makes us even.

I knew that Charlie wouldn't stiff me intentionally, and

I thought I should tell him about the counterfeit bills.

But when I got to his place, I found somebody else was already clowing him in.

I don't have them.

Pick up the trash and dump it outside, and

you're going to take a vacation in the morgue.

I'll move.

Can you tell?

Oh, thanks, Mike.

Come on at me all day.

I think I've passed some bad money.

Yeah, I noticed.

You too, huh?

Where's it coming from?

It came in the regular shipment from the umbrella in this month, and...

Charlie, the umbrella doesn't do business like that.

But come on, help me out.

I track this down and we both get our money back.

Okay, I... Got it from a customer.

This has got to be just between us.

I mean, if she's found out, she won't.

I'll give you my word.

Her name is Stephanie Cola.

She is the prettiest, sweetest little thing you'll ever meet, but...

she's got the sickness.

She's really got it bad.

A real composer, huh?

Charlie, I thought you knew better than take that kind of action.

I do, but... you know, she always makes good, so I carry her.

Well, this time, she got in over her head a couple days ago.

She'd come in with a stack of cenotes, and she'd clean up all her markers.

Let's hope she can clear up a few more things.

Listen, you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah.

I learned that Stephanie Caldwell worked at a top ad agency on Madison Avenue.

The street dedicated to the principle of getting people

to spend money they don't have on things they use.

Once, then throw away.

Still making us believe that all of our dreams can come true.

Excuse me.

Sir?

Sir?

May I help you, sir?

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry.

I'm looking for Stephanie Caldwell.

Oh, Stephanie.

Sure.

Right this way, please.

Mm-hmm.

She's just down the hall.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Stephanie Caldwell.

Beastmaster.

What?

Hey, hey, Tony.

The Beastmaster campaign worked.

This guy actually bought a bottle of the stuff.

Yeah, I'm recommending it to all my friends in prison.

Oh.

Oh.

Pepper, could you tell me where Stephanie Caldwell is?

Uh-huh.

We're back there.

Second crawl on the right.

Thank you very much.

What did you say to spread what, grandma?

Six and a half?

Okay.

I'm gonna take the nets.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

A hundred.

Perfect.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss Caldwell?

Yes?

My name is Mike Hammer.

I'd like a word with you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I am so busy right now.

Well, this is kind of important.

It'll only take a minute.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Why don't we stick right back here, then?

Okay.

I'm a private investigator.

Charlie Durier is a friend of mine.

He gave me a couple of hundred dollar bills, and it turned out to be counterfeit.

I asked him where I got him, and he said I should talk to you.

Counter fifth?

And you think it came from me?

Well, Charlie was pretty sure he did.

And if it's true, you could be in big trouble.

And I don't mean just with the law.

Oh, boy.

How much did you pay him?

Over $6,000.

$6,000?

All in hundreds?

All of it.

If you don't mind my asking, where'd you come up with that kind of cash?

Stephanie, Mr. Shale's here has a little logo project for a company, just acquired.

It's a little small for the agency to get involved.

Rudy asked if it might be handled on a freelance basis.

A friend of mine suggested you.

You interested?

Of course I am.

Thank you.

Not necessary.

Aside from being the prettiest designer on Madison Avenue.

She's also the best.

You're lucky to have her on your account, Mr. Oh, well, hammer.

My camera.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

This is Peter Harbisher.

I let him think he's my boss.

Nice to meet you.

And this is a client, Rudy Shales.

Why don't you and Rudy kick it around?

If you need a sounding board, I'll be in early tomorrow.

I'm counting on it.

I mean, I thought you'd never leave the office.

Well, I'm a dedicated man.

Mr. Hammer, I have to spend some time with Mr. Shales

and I really don't want to talk about this here.

Would you mind if I ask you to come to my apartment?

Oh, no.

That'd be fine.

Oh, great.

How about eight?

See you there.

Nice to meet you.

Well, what I want is something with class.

A little understated.

Like me.

You know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

What you want is a logo that's special.

Right.

Right.

Like you.

Oh, miss.

I hate making decisions.

No.

Rudy, you didn't have to do this.

Well, I had to do something.

I mean, you seem a little distracted.

Yeah.

This is personal.

I really don't feel like getting into it right now.

Sure, I understand.

Sometimes it helps to talk.

Oh, Rudy.

I'm sorry.

I forgot.

I have an overstatement.

Well, I'll drop you off.

No, no, no.

You stay and you finish your drink.

And I will call you as soon as I get things worked out.

As soon as I come up with a terrific logo for you.

Great.

Well, I'll come right by.

I'll move in next door.

I'll buy the building.

Stephanie, I think I'm falling in love.

Rudy, you hardly know me.

And you hardly know me?

That's the beauty of it.

I could really grow on it.

Rudy, you're a very silly man.

It's just sweet.

Stephanie!

Go, Rudy, what are you doing here?

Who are you?

Some people.

You are... I'm going to kill you, Charlie!

Charlie!

Hey, now!

Stop it!

You're okay.

You're okay.

You're okay.

Get her here on A&E.

Charlie Durya was dead.

It had something to do with the counterfeit money, but that's about all I knew.

The only person who could help me was having trouble dealing with it herself.

Stephanie.

These two guys came out of nowhere.

And he attacked me.

And that poor man tried to shut up.

God, I can't believe it was happening.

You know what a tough neighborhood this year is,

especially after Darcy could happen to anybody.

Do you think this had anything to do with Charlie's funny money?

I don't know.

Charlie called me and said it needed a ride.

Hope you're not taking me for a ride, Mike.

I don't know where I'm headed yet.

Sweetheart, there'll be an investigation.

You need to reach me.

Here's my card.

Try and scare the trouble with you.

Hey, I always try.

Thank you for not saying anything.

It's okay.

I wanted to hear what you had to say first.

Listen, I think we better have that talk.

A drink?

Yeah.

Oh, Mike.

I'm still shaking.

Well, here I'll make it.

Thanks.

Scott?

Yes, please.

Mike, I'm grateful you came along when you did.

You saved my life.

That's more than I can say for Charlie.

Charlie didn't deserve to die.

No, I didn't.

He was a good man.

Listen, let's pick up where we left off.

Where'd you get that money?

Don't tell me a bank.

No, no, not a bank.

I know this is going to sound weird.

I found it in a taxi.

In a taxi?

Yeah.

People leave things in taxis all the time, packages, purses, wallets, kids.

I still have some.

Look.

Yeah, these are the bills.

They're all fake.

They have the same serial number.

Serial numbers.

Who looks at serial numbers?

I just assumed it was real.

So did I, but I didn't find it in a taxi.

Mike, listen, you have to believe me.

I mean, yeah, I've done all kinds of things to cover my markers.

I've borrowed from my friends and my family.

I've hocked my TV, my stereo, my camera.

I live from paycheck to paycheck.

I may be a gambler, but Mike, I am not a criminal.

Well, somebody thinks you're involved.

That little scene out there wasn't just a coincidence.

Listen, I'm going to need one of these.

You can have them all.

No, that's okay.

Why don't we just find them?

I don't want them here.

Then I suggest you burn them before they burn you.

Stephanie's story about finding a bag full of counterfeit money was hard to swallow.

I took the fake scene out and headed back to the office.

I hope to get there before VELDA left.

Where's VELDA?

She had to catch a plane.

She left you a kiss and told me to give it to you at my own risk.

What does that mean?

I'm Lisa.

Lisa Grant, your new girl Friday.

Hello, Lisa.

Don't worry.

VELDA's filled me in.

Your blue suits in the bottom file drawer.

And I got you a spare carton of 45 caliber soft points.

Thanks.

I think I'm going to need them.

Pat Chambers' numbers in a Rolodex, next to the doctors and the bail bondsmen.

And...

Am I talking too much?

No, no, no.

It's okay.

I just lost some money.

I thought detectives were supposed to find people.

Yeah, well, a friend of mine got killed.

Charlie Durie.

Charlie?

There was someone who called earlier and his name was Charlie.

He said something about an umbrella.

And I looked all over the office, but I couldn't find one.

It's right here.

On the machine.

Mike, the umbrellas boys just paid me a visit.

I didn't tell them about Stephanie.

I'm going to try and warn her.

I think she's going to get hurt.

Was Charlie killed because he was protecting Stephanie against the umbrellas boys?

The only one who could tell me was the umbrella

himself, a gentleman named Hubert Rutherford Wembley.

But there's an illegal gambling operation in New York City.

You could bet the umbrella covered it.

Yes.

My name is Hammer.

I'm here to see the umbrella.

And you got an appointment?

No, just say it's starting to rain.

Nobody comes drifting through here with an appointment.

Now get lost.

Take five.

The day broke back quartet.

First performed at the Village Gate in 1961.

I know.

I was there.

So was I.

My name is Mike Hammer.

I'm a private investigator.

What do you want, Mr. Hammer?

Let's start with a young girl who passed a couple

of counterfeit bills to one of your bookies.

Charlie Durrier.

The late Charlie Durrier, eh?

Charlie's been with me for many years.

So has Miss Caldwell.

I know about her counterfeiting problem.

She claims you had no idea the money was fake.

That is entirely possible.

And why lay the muscle on her?

Mr. Wembley, I'm here to tell you in the nicest

possible way to lay off of Stephanie Caldwell.

Mr. Hammer, when somebody cheats me, it is

common practice to have that someone punished.

Yeah?

Killing Charlie wasn't just a little slap on the wrist, pal.

I didn't kill him.

And if I'd sent my people after Miss Caldwell, it would have been done right.

But I didn't.

You expect me to believe that?

Believe what you want.

The bottom line is, Miss Caldwell owed Charlie.

Charlie's dead.

She owes me.

Make sure she understands that full restitution is

expected over a reasonable period of time in legal tender.

She's good for it.

By the way, my records show that you were burned like the rest of us.

Yeah.

Over 600 bucks.

Mm-hmm.

It's okay.

I some flowers for Charlie.

I didn't exactly believe the umbrella, and I didn't exactly not believe it.

Everything was up in the air, including me.

It's very nice.

That's state of the art.

The work of a pro, not an amateur.

It's hard to tell the difference nowadays, Michael.

I always consider myself to be the best engraver in the business with this.

This is the stuff to put me right out of the business.

I thought I was a guy that did that.

What do you mean?

It was a time people pay a fortune for a good set of plates.

Now, anybody with a camera and an offset press can get in the counterfeit.

Not to mention small timers when they're around with the office copy machine,

making pin money and paying the rent.

And their bookies?

Yeah, sure, why not?

In the banks are trouble.

Spiny of nowadays.

Another pet.

Have a sneaky little UV light system.

Banks!

And a time to check every bill.

What's the word in the trade?

A lot of 40 hundreds out there?

No.

But I hear something big's coming down.

This town's gonna be buried under a blizzard of funny money.

We're not talking about a small timer.

No.

No way.

That kind of volume, you gotta be able to change the serial number.

And that, my friend, is what separates the man from the boy and the girls.

There you accuse me of lying.

You left out counterfeiting.

Oh, that's unfair.

It's about you don't know how to change the serial numbers.

I would really put you in a big league.

Look what you please.

Just go.

What, what, what is that?

Get upstairs and get out of sight.

Come on, do it!

Get there, pal.

Hands in the air.

Move out.

Move out!

Mike, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I think I am.

Listen, would you mind pulling my arm?

Yeah, harder.

Harder.

Oh!

Thanks, that's what I needed.

Why did they do this?

What do they want?

It's gotta have something to do with those counterfeit hundreds.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Like, I didn't do that.

You didn't do what?

You didn't make the money?

Come on, Stephanie, it's time to face reality.

Things just got away from me.

You got in so deep you didn't know where you were going

to get the money, so you started printing it on your own.

Why don't you just admit it?

I only did it this once.

Yeah, sure.

That's what the guy said I pretty killed his wife.

Mike, I've never even had a parking ticket.

I was afraid that they would hurt me if I didn't pay them.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to jump at every sight and every shadow?

I was desperate.

I had to do something.

You certainly did, sweetheart.

Now I'm afraid you're gonna have to face the police.

I am not a criminal.

I wasn't even a gambler until a year ago.

Where I grew up, 21 was the legal drinking age.

Crap, it was a four-letter word.

And then this guy I was dating took me to Atlantic City.

God, it was fun.

It was exciting.

And before I knew it, I had an arm full of money.

And when I got back, I had this...

this feeling, this fever that wouldn't go away.

And then somebody in the office introduced me to a bookie.

And here I am.

Addicted.

That's what we're talking about.

Addiction.

And there's no way to beat it by yourself.

You need house, Stephanie.

It's a sickness.

But you can.

You can beat it.

You can get on the other side of it.

You can put the whole thing behind you.

Believe me, I know.

I've been there myself.

How it happened is not our concern, Miss Caldwell.

Our job is to enforce the law.

That's the point, Larry.

I think she can help us nail Charlie's killer.

It makes sense.

Okay, Hammer.

I think we can cut a deal.

I just want it to be known that I'm not doing this for you or for her.

I know you're doing it for love.

Gentlemen, make that secret service.

Right.

Chambers, check that out.

Is it her?

Stephanie Caldwell.

Lock her up.

What?

We'll talk later.

It's out of our hands.

Oh, I hate it.

Listen, I brought her here to get help, not throwing in the slammer.

Like I had to call the feds, I had no choice.

I'm sorry.

You book her?

It'll be six months before she goes to trial.

In the meantime, whoever killed Charlie's off in Bermuda getting a tan.

Larry said it.

It's out of our hands.

Yours may be not live.

It's very simple, Stephanie.

They wouldn't have let you run that kind of scam alone.

But I did do it alone.

There is no organization.

Look, we've been trying to get these guys for months.

You roll over on them, you walk.

You don't?

You got roommates.

Hey.

It's my last one.

Don't you think you're wasting your time putting her in there?

The people you want want her and what she can give them.

Which is?

It's me, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be real and was didn't finding her.

What do you got in mind, Hammer?

A trade-off.

The lady for the heavy hitters.

We're talking stink.

We stuffed the pipeline with enough bills to let them know she's back in operation.

Came after once, they'll come after again.

You understand this could be a risky operation.

I won't go to prison.

Like I said, we kneel and you won't.

He's telling me the truth, definitely.

But it's up to you.

Will I have you?

All of that.

Okay, you're on.

You realize you could be killed?

Yes, I do.

Sign this release.

Put down your next up, Ken.

Okay, let's get ready to make some money.

What did you learn how to do this?

In college.

Any graphics design major could do it.

It's really no good deal.

It pays to go to college.

Mike, do you think med-calf will keep his word?

I don't know.

You don't have any prior arrest.

You're not exactly a one woman crime way.

My guess is that a suspended sentence with mandatory

counseling is probably the worst you'll get.

Counseling?

Yeah, you're gonna need it.

It's not gonna go away all by itself.

I'm gonna need a friend.

Hey, you've got one.

Mike.

You've expected somebody?

Seven thirty in the morning.

Oh, it's okay.

Just a second.

Alright, saw your light on.

I thought you might like a little breakfast.

And I was just wondering how you were doing on my logo.

You have company.

Yeah, right.

The other day.

Alright.

Gosh, I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

No, that's okay, no problem.

Well, hey, I understand.

Look, I'm sorry, Stephanie.

I won't bother you anymore.

Rudy.

As long as you're here.

I did get a chance to work something up.

What do you think?

It's perfect.

I love it.

Good.

I will have the layouts ready for you by Friday.

Great.

I'll drop by.

The office.

Right.

Oh, thank you.

One appetito.

Thank you.

Bye.

I hope you held the anchovies.

Now.

Where were we?

Added in the wrong direction.

I think we better make those calls.

Jack.

Hi, it's Stephanie.

Listen, what's the sprint on the game tonight?

Six?

You're kidding.

Alright, put me down for 3,000 on the underdog.

Thanks.

One down, five to go.

Yep.

Grandma, it's 429.

Right, Stephanie.

Listen, I want you to put me down for 3,000 on the home team.

They're kidding.

Three starters are out.

Okay, make it four.

No, in fact, stretch it to five.

I want a 2,000 round robin on all the underdogs.

Right.

Grandma, you're the best.

Did you hear that?

Half the team is out.

The point spread just went from six to five and a half.

I have got to get home.

Stephanie, take it easy.

Just calm down.

It's not going to cure itself, is it?

No, I'm afraid not.

It never does.

Stanley.

Picking a losing bet is something I'm usually pretty good at.

I figured the one time I wanted to lose, I probably couldn't.

But happily, bad luck was with this, and this thing was on.

The first duck was unbelievable.

Are you nuts?

That was the other team.

You know me, I wasn't for the underdog.

Come on, come on!

He lives and fires it off.

It's all right!

I'm here!

What did you do with you?

Oh, listen to that three-point play.

You know, it's always a spectacular thing to see.

I just like it that way.

Come on, darling.

We'll cover our bets.

Mike, the feds are running this sting and they told me to stay out of it.

Yeah, I know.

I'll be in the neighborhood tonight.

Okay.

Thanks for having us.

I didn't think I had to worry about Stephanie.

She was hanging tough.

The pipeline was overflowing with bogus hundreds and I was just starting to relax.

And all hell broke loose.

What are you doing?

Mike!

Help me!

Help me!

Mike!

Mike!

Help me!

Let me go!

Help me, Mike!

I wasn't expecting a small army.

I may have won the battle, but I felt like I lost the war.

Because I lost Stephanie.

You're on A&E.

It's your party.

You sure attract a classy crowd.

It looks to me like a hired muzzle.

Yeah, with a list of prior that would make any sublock proud.

Hey, connection, Mike?

No, nothing.

What about the guys I put down?

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

Turn up your collar, we'll check the fridge.

Good idea.

I've never saw him before.

Preliminary ID, Arnie Watkins.

Small time, Dick Lindammer.

Yeah.

What do you think else?

A chauffeur's license has a man of small cars well.

We're still running it down.

Don't waste your time.

This stiff tells me all I need to know.

The morgue told me who.

The ad agency was going to tell me where.

There were bodies there too, but they were very much alive.

Working late.

What the hell is this?

Oh, yeah, don't mind me.

I just want to check some files.

Maybe I should get dressed.

No, no, you're doing fine.

Where are the new accounts?

Second door down and the second cabinet to the left and hurry.

All right, here we go.

Is this client address still current?

The printing plant?

Yes.

Look, Hammer, I can't give you this.

I didn't.

I took it.

Call the cops.

Well, what's this about?

It's about a lifetime in the slammer for somebody.

But don't you worry about that.

The lady's waiting.

Hey, hey!

Is that any way to return my hospitality?

Rudy?

Oh, my God.

What do you want with me?

Come on.

I'll show you.

Come on.

Then you killed Sean.

He should have stayed out of it.

It was between us.

What is between us?

The fees, you see?

These are what's between us.

I can handle the paper, the printing, the serial numbers, the distribution,

everything.

Everything but this.

That one's US Treasury.

That's one of mine.

That's one of yours.

What do they have?

Mine doesn't.

Ink.

The right ink.

Ink.

It's the ink that makes all the difference.

And you're going to tell me how you made it.

I don't think I can.

Think again.

You don't understand.

I just made a small pet.

I had to go through all kinds of different colorings to find the color I needed.

I improvised.

It took me hours to get the color.

No problem.

I got plenty of time.

I got to go through all my stuff.

Good to see you again, Hammer.

I'll take the gun.

Hey, get Saunders!

Help inside!

Let's go!

Let's go!

How'd you get on to me, Hammer?

I ran into your chauffeur at the moor.

At least you'll have company.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's all over.

Even though she gave up gambling, Stephanie didn't lose her luck.

She got her suspended sentence.

She knew it wouldn't be easy, but she went to Gamner's Anonymous for help.

And so far she was doing great.

Mike, I owe you so much.

You're right.

Exactly 600 bucks.

Well, it just so happens that I've decided to make good on that.

So, 600 dollars.

Nice figure.

Like yours.

Well, here's to a big future.

Thanks to you.

I have one.

I'm just glad you were able to get rid of a bad habit.

Well, actually, I just transferred it to a healthier one.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

What's that?

Why don't you come over to my house and find out?

Really?

I have a refrigerator full of pistachio nut ice cream.

My favorite.

Biography sores to new heights with an all-new special

presentation of Moses Sunday at 8 Eastern 9 Pacific.

Now, the butler couldn't have done it this time.

He's the victim on Remington Steel next on A&A.