Original subtitles

[ MORTICIA HITS WHITE POOL BALL ]

[ BALL BOUNCES AROUND EDGES... ]

[ HITS ALL BALLS, BALLS DISPERSE WILDLY... ]

[ ... EVERY OTHER BALL SCORES ]

[ WHITE BALL MISSES HOLE ]

Great shot!

Yes, but I didn't scratch.

Ah, there's always next time, querida.

What do you say we raise the ante on this game?

Loser speaks French...

[ GOMEZ BREAKS ]

[ BALLS ZING EVERYWHERE... ]

[ BALL WACKS LURCH on the BACK of his HEAD ]

[ LURCH DROPS DUSTER, FAINTS ]

[ GRANDMAMA DROPS LADLE, FAINTS ]

[ BALLS BONKS! GOMEZ ]

[ BONK! ]

[ BONK! ]

Nice break.

... Mon cher.

That's...

French.

[ FAINTS ]

[ MORTICIA SHARPENS CUESTICK, BLOWS DUST OFF TIP ]

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

[ FRONT DOOR OPENS, MORTICIA and GRANDMAMA ENTER ]

Cousin Itt!

Cousin Itt, old man!

It's always so nice to have you visit.

Lurch just dusted in your room this morning.

It's completely musty and uncomfortable~

You're looking great.

Did you do some'n new to your hair?

Awfully quiet, isn't he?

Itt?

Are you feeling alright?

[ GRANDMAMA PATTING THE HEAD OF... a DOG? ]

No fever?

His nose is cold and wet.

Completely normal.

[ COUSIN ITT WANDERS IN ]

[ WARBLING HELLO... ] "------ --- ----- ----!"

Cousin Itt?

If you're you, then... who's this?

"--------"

Ma'am... ?

Cousin Itt, I didn't know you had a dog.

"--- --- ----!"

What were you doing at the dog pound?

"--- ---... ---- ---- ---- -----!"

Oh, my.

Well, at least you got to spend the night in a cramped kennel~

What are you doing back in town?

"---- --- ----- ----. ---- --- ----- ----- -----."

"Or maybe... --------"

Wow!

You're the spokesman for Poo-Sham Shampoo?

Congratulations!

"---- ---- ---- -----. --- ---- ----- ----- --- ----?"

Of course you can use the cemetery for a photoshoot!

I've got a surprise that I've been saving for an occasion just like this!

[ FESTER RUNS OFF EXCITEDLY... ]

[ ADDAMS FAMILY look ALARMED, start FLEEING UP THE STAIRS... ]

[ FESTER WHEELS a GIANT EXPLOSIVE in ]

No, Fester!

Not the big firework... !?

[ IGNITES BLOWTORCH ]

[ LIGHTS FUSE ]

[ MISSILE SHOOTS... OUT OF THE STRATOSPHERE ]

Hey, Addams!

You know the drill?

Now give me your lunch money.

We already spent it on lunch.

If you want to mug Pugsley, you should do it in the morning.

What's this?

Y'let your sister fight your battles?

No, I can take care of myself. [ HIDES BEHIND WEDNESDAY ]

That's it. I expect double next time I see you.

Or else.

[ ANGUISHED CRIES... ]

Gomez!

That sounded like the mournful, anguished cry

of someone in complete and utter terror.

Let's go make certain~

... AHHHHHHHhhh.

Fester!

Was that your plaintive wail?

No, I thought it was you.

Well, it certainly wasn't me.

Well, if it wasn't any of us...

... wwaAaaAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhh.

That sounds like it came from Cousin Itt's room!

[ ANGUISHED WAILS ]

It sounds like he's crying.

.... !

Cousin Itt, are you alright?

[ MORTICIA KNOCKS RAPIDLY ]

[ WAILING... ]

[ OPEN DOOR ]

[ MUMBLING, CRYING ]

Here he is!

What's wrong?

"---- ----- ---- ---- -----!"

You're losing your hair?

"--- --- --- ---- ----!!"

[ FESTER PICKS UP STRAND OF HAIR ]

Well, not for long.

You're going bald.

[ FESTER TAKES OFF HAT ]

Welcome to the club.

[ EXECUTIONER ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF ]

Pugsley?

Pugsley?

Where are you, son?

We know you're in here.

Wednesday told us you refused to go to school today.

We're very proud of you!

[ MONSTER under the BED GROWLs]

[ GOMEZ COUGHS ]

[ SNEEZES ]

Curse you~

Thank you.

[ COUPLE SHARE KNOWING LOOK ]

Pugsley, what are you doing in there?

Hiding from the school bully.

Well.

It's nice to see you're making new friends.

But Chucky says he's going to beat me up if I don't give him my lunch money.

Why didn't you say something?

How much do ya need?

[ HANDS HIM SOME CASH ]

Darling, if Pugsley gives in, won't the boy keep bothering him?

Hmn, maybe you're right.

[ HANDS OVER MORE CASH ]

[ PUGSLEY TAKES IT, BUT SHAKES HIS HEAD ]

Gomez.

[ PUGSLEY HANDS IT BACK ]

I think it's time you taught Pugsley to defend himself.

But Chucky's so much bigger and stronger than me!

That's because he's a bully!

But don't you worry about a thing!

Your old man is an expert in self-defense.

I'm going to teach you everything I know.

.... !

[ KARATE CHOPS WALL ]

[ PUGSLEY SCREAMS, FALLING DOWN DUMBWAITER ]

Lesson one!

How to take a fall!

[ CLOSE DOORS ]

"--- --- --- --- ----!"

Hair Doctor.

Guy Sterling.

From the Hair League for Men.

I'm not just the owner.

I'm also a member.

[ HOLDS UP PICTURE OF HIMSELF, but BALD ]

Go ahead.

Give it a tug.

Come on.

[ LURCH LIFTS HIM UP BY THE SCALP... INTO THE AIR ]

Ow, ow... !

See?

Glad you could come over on such short notice, Dr Sterling.

Oh my.

Looks like I got here just in time.

But don't worry.

We'll have that head covered in copious coiff in no time~

Hey, back off!

I'm not the patient.

Itt is.

"-- --- --- -- ----?"

He looks familiar.

Well, he should.

Look!

[ POINTS OUTSIDE WINDOW ]

[ GIANT BLIMP in SKY: "POOSHAM SHAMPOO" ]

The PooSham Shampoo spokesman!?

In person.

The problem is, he wakes up with hair all over his pillow.

And the rest of the bed, too.

I trust we'll have Doctor-Patient confidentiality, here?

But, of course.

Outta my way.

[ PUTS ON COMPLICATED-LOOKING GLASSES ]

Let's see.

[ ADJUSTS MIRROR ON GLASSES ]

... !

"-- --- --- ----??"

Now, that's what I call a professional!

[ HOLDING BOTTLE OF PRODUCT TO ITT'S HEAD ]

First,

we need to apply my special patented hair growth formula.

"-- --- ---- -----?"

Hm.

I could have sworn this was full.

[ FESTER, CHUGGING HAIR FORMULA ]

[ FESTER BELCHES up BUBBLES ]

"--- ----!"

Sorry.

[ BELCHES ]

[ BUBBLES ]

D'you think he'll be ready for his photoshoot tomorrow?

Well, there's still a full scalp massage,

and the electrostatic follicle stimulation, to go.

Now, but first, we have to dry him off.

And at this rate,

that could take days.

Oh, sure, with a tiny little thing like that.

I'll be right back!

"-- --- --- --- ----?"

[ FESTER WHEELS in a GIANT BLOWING DEVICE

.... Gosh!

The Windmaster 6000!

[ FLIPS SWITCH ON ]

It delivers 15,000 watts of... !!!

... tornado toppler...

Stop... !

Stopppp -- !

You really gotta pick up one of these things!

[ SCREAMING ]

[ CLUTCHES WINDOW, ABOUT TO FALL ] I hope he loses all his hair!

I win....... !

[ TOPPLES OUT WINDOW ]

[ FLICKS OFF SWITCH ]

[ WINDMASTER 6000 POWERS DOWN... ]

"--- --- ---, --- --- -----?"

[ SHEEPISH EXPRESSION on FESTER'S FACE ]

[ DING ! ]

[ GOMEZ, in BOXING STANCE ]

I gotchu!

Put 'em up!

Put 'em up!

I'll fight you with one hand behind my back!

I'll fight you with two hands tied behind my back!

[ SMACKS DUMMY ]

[ DUMMY WOBBLES BACK, KNOCKS GOMEZ OVER A BIT ]

Pugsley, son!

There you are.

You wanted to see me?

Son, it's time for your first lesson in self-defense.

The key to boxing, is all in the footwork.

Watch me.

[ DOES FANCY FOOTWORK around the BOXING DUMMY ]

See!

Now, you try!

[ LIFTS ROPE ]

Oh, and remember one other thing.

Never, ever take your eye off your opponent!

[ DUMMY gives a TAUNTING WINK ]

[ PUGSLEY, KNOCKED OFF GUARD by DUMMY ]

Oof... !

[ FALLS TO GROUND ]

[ GOMEZ TURNS AROUND ]

Pugsley?

[ GOMEZ GETS KNOCKED OUT by DUMMY, FALLS TO GROUND ]

Pugsley, son?

Maybe boxing isn't your game.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, WINDED ]

[ PUGSLEY FAINTS ]

[ FESTER SCREAMS ]

"--- ---- -------!"

[ SCREAMING ]

"--- --- --- ---... ----"

"-- ---- --- -----!"

"--- --- -----!"

"-- --- --- ---- -----!" [ PACKING AWAY HAIR PRODUCTS ]

Cousin Itt!

Oh...

Oh, dear. Not again!

He's losing his hair, alright.

"-- -- ---- --- --- --- ------!"

You're leaving?

But what about the photoshoot?

"I can't -- --- ---, -- -- --- -----!"

What do you mean you can't show it your face in public again?

"--- --- ---- --- --- --- -----!"

I know things are a little hairy right now.

"---!! --- --- --- -- --- -----!?"

"--- ---- -----!!"

"Nobody -- --- --- -----!"

Let me rephrase that.

"-- ---- ---- ------ ---...."

Wait!

"-- ---- ------?"

There's one thing left to try.

I'm going to use all of my scientific knowledge,

skill, and know-how,

to try to find a cure,

for baldness... !

[ CRASHES HEAD INTO PLASTER ]

"---?"

"--- -- ----."

"Sorry.

If this doesn't do it,

nothing will.

[ CACKLING and STIRRING CAULDRON ]

... ?

[ STIRS UP... HAIR? ]

Fester!

You're a genius.

[ CACKLES with JOY ]

Hai...... ya!

The call of the Samurai,

requires extreme discipline.

And finally... [ BATTLE CRY ] !

A lone Samurai,

becomes one,

with his sword.

[ SWINGS SWORD ]

I'm sorry, Pugsley-san.

Waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.... ya!

[ SWINGING SWORD ]

[ GRUNT ]

[ GRUNT ]

Watch, carefully.

The art,

of a master.

[ TAKES DEEP BREATH ]

[ STARTS SWINGING SWORD AROUND WILDLY ]

[ STARTS PROPELLING HIMSELF INTO THE AIR... ]

... ahhhhhhh!

[ PUGSLEY tries to COPY GOMEZ's MOVES ] Hai-yi-yi-yi-yi........... !

[ HURLS SWORD INTO AIR ]

Pugsley.

Where's your father?

[ CRASH! ]

[ GOMEZ GETS UP, SPLUTTERS ]

Well, son.

Maybe "Samurai" isn't your game, either.

Oh, Gomez, there must be something Pugsley's good at.

Hey, I always win at checkers!

Not quite the physically intimidating sort of contest we need...

Oh, though if we sharpen the checkers to a razor's edge... ?

And I can always teach you to play possum.

Never underestimate the power of a well-faked death!

So you don't think I can beat him,

do you?

Of course you can, Pugsley.

You can do anything you want.

I can?

That's right.

You're an Addams.

An Addams?

So you really believe in me?

Of course we do.

I'm gonna stand up to that bully,

if it's the last thing I do!

'Cause I'm an Addams!

Yeah.

I'm an Addams!

[ CHANTING in UNISON ] Pugsley! Pugsley! Pugsley! ...

I'm an Adams!

Pugsley! Pugsley! Pugsley!

Pugsley! Pugsley! Pugsley!

[ PUGSLEY TRIPS and FALLS ]

I'll tell Mama to stock up on bandages.

[ SOFTER CHANTING ] Pugsley! Pugsley!

... Pugsley?

[ MORTICIA and GOMEZ TANGO hand-in-hand DOWN the HALL ]

[ HOP ]

Gomez! Morticia!

Look what happened,

to my crystal ball.

[ HOLDS UP CRYSTAL BALL, which has sprouted a full HEAD OF HAIR ]

I've heard the future being fuzzy, but that's ridiculous!

Eureka!

Eureka... !

[ BUBBLING BEAKERS ]

[ FESTER, holds up a BOWLING BALL ]

[ SETS BALL DOWN, GESTICULATES EXCITEDLY ]

Fester, what's all the commotion?

Fester, what's wrong!?

What's -- ?

You've grown hair.

Fester, old man.

[ PICKS UP BOWLING BALL, which has also SPROUTED HAIR ]

Yeah?

On a golf ball.

A baseball and a bowling ball.

The only question is,

will it work on a living subject?

Oh, I loathe to try it out, on my own sparkling scalp... !?

Besides, it may be painful and disfiguring.

Or worse.

Alright!

You've talked me into it.

[ LAUGHS MADLY ]

Morticia,

will you do the honours?

My pleasure.

Alright! Now this could be dangerous.

So back up.

Back up!

Way back!

[ GRANDMAMA and GOMEZ BACK UP ]

Ready.

[ MORTICIA PAINTS HIS SCALP... ]

Yes.

More.

[ CACKLES ]

That's right!

Don't miss a spot, Morticia... !

I can feel it.

It's working.

Yes.

It's working... !

I can feel my follicles tingling.

Ha ha!

Grow!

Grow, hair!

Grow!

[ FESTER's HEAD RAPIDLY SPINNING 360° ]

[ FAMILY FOLLOW SPINNING WITH THEIR GAZE ]

[ SPINNING STOPS, HEAD OF HAIR SPROUTS! ]

... !?

... !

[ HEAD CONTINUES SPINNING AGAIN, FAMILY STARING INTENTLY ]

[ FESTER SHAKING, FULL AFRO HAS GROWN ON HIS HEAD ]

I can't wait to tell Cousin Itt!

He's been in there an awfully long time.

What could they possibly be doing in there?

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ AFRO'd FESTER WALKS OUT ]

Well?

Did it work?

You could say that.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you!

[ GOMEZ POKES HEAD IN ]

"-- --- --- ---...."

"-- --- --- --- --- ---."

[ BACKS OUT DOOR ]

[ CLOSES DOOR ]

Morticia, you better get the scissors.

[ PUTS CIGAR in MOUTH ]

Oh, Pugsley.

Do you still have that headache?

[ PUGSLEY TURNS, clad in DARK SUNGLASSES and a LEATHER JACKET ]

Are you talkin' to me, sister?

What are you doing... ?

Mother and Father convinced me that I could stand up for myself.

Pugsley, you can barely stand up by yourself.

[ TAKES OFF SUNGLASSES ] So you don't think I'm ready?

To take on the biggest, meanest bully in the whole school?

Of course you're ready.

But first,

I have something for you to sign.

[ GRABS CLIPBOARD ]

[ TAKES PEN, HOLDS CLIPBOARD ]

What's this?

Your Last Will and Testament.

:O

[ TAKES CLIPBOARD BACK ]

[ PUTS SUNGLASSES BACK ON ]

Fester?

Hey, Gomez.

[ GOMEZ STOPS ]

Fester!

What happened to your hair?!

[ FEELING HIS OWN SCALP ]

Uh oh.

I was afraid this was going to happen.

Guess my formula is only temporary!

That means...

Cousin Itt!

Cousin Itt!

[ ENTER ITT'S ROOM ]

We're gonna have to break it to 'im gently.

Cousin Itt,

there's something we have to talk to you about.

You're going bald like me, and there's nothing we can do about it!

I'm so sorry I failed you... !

Now your career as an hair model is over!

[ SOBS ]

Say something to us, Cousin Itt!

Speak!

[ BARK! ]

Cousin Itt?

[ UNCOVER BLANKET, to reveal... a DOG? ]

Them?

[ DOG MAKES NOISE, FALLS BACK ASLEEP ]

Cousin Itt wasn't going bald, after all!

[ PICKS UP LOOSE STRANDS of HAIR ]

It was "Them" all along.

Well, that's "Them".

Where's "Itt"?

Bye, Them!

[ THEM the DOG BARKS, FOLLOW AFTER THEM ]

"-- --- ---!"

[ COUSIN ITT POSES with other MODELS ]

Come on.

That's it!

Ah give me a more, a more, a more, oh, that's it, hold! Hold!

[ SNAPPING PHOTOS ]

[ MORTICIA 'VOGUE'-ing ]

[ ITT SHAKES HEAD ] "-- ---- -----!"

"-- --- --- ----, --- --- ---!"

[ DOG BARKING ]

[ GOMEZ ROUNDS CORNER, with THEM the DOG ]

Morticia.

Excellent news!

I know.

Itt told me, already.

He isn't losing his hair,

Them was shedding!

Let's get a closer.

"-- -- --- -- --- --- ---?"

[ SNAP! ]

He went ahead with the photoshoot and left us to worry needlessly.

How thoughtful.

[ THEM bounds towards the SET ]

Stop the photoshoot.

Excuse me.

Magnificent!

"-- --- ---- -- ----?"

Isn't it so beautiful?

Such perfection... !

What is that exquisite creature?

It's Them.

Oh?

No, Them is "it", not "who".

What?

No.

What's for who, when Itt's here!

It's Them.

They're inseparable.

Oh, whatever it is.

He is exquisite.

Meester Eet?

I'll double what I'm paying you to use your dog, instead.

"-- --- -- -- --- -- -- -- -----?"

Capital idea!

Now if Cousin Itt gets all the money,

he won't have to do any of the work.

Lucky dog.

[ BARK! ]

[ PHOTOS being taken of THEM with the MODELS ]

[ SHOWDOWN MUSIC PLAYS... ]

Time's up, Addams.

You can't run from me, forever.

[ SALOON DOORS CREAK OPEN ]

[ PUGSLEY APPEARS, DRESSED LIKE A COWBOY ]

Here I am, Chucky.

I'm not running away from you, anymore.

[ BULLY, also DRESSED like a COWBOY, but in BLACK ]

Big words, little boy.

Now hand over the money.

This town ain't big enough for the two of us.

[ BULLY MAKES A FIST ]

[ LURCH APPEARS, BEHIND SALOON DOORS ]

[ GLARES MENACINGLY at BULLY ]

[ RAISES HALBERD in THREAT, GROWLING ]

[ SLOWLY LOWERS IT ]

Hey, uh.

[ STUTTERS, takes off STETSON ] There's no reason to resort to, to violence.

I, uhh.

... just came by, to pay you back that lunch money I "borrowed".

[ HANDS OVER MONEY ]

And I promise,

I'll never bother you again... !

[ RUNS AWAY ]

Yes!

[ WEDNESDAY APPEARS ]

I sure showed him that I could take care of myself, eh, Lurch?

[ LURCH NODS ]

Come on.

Let's play "Pin the Tail on Pugsley."

You know Wednesday, I'm not going to let anyone push me around anymore.

[ HOLDS UP "TAIL" THREATENINGLY ]

Well, maybe.

Except for you!

[ SCREAMS and RUNS AWAY ]

That's our boy.

[ GOMEZ makes THUMBS UP gesture to LURCH ]

[ LURCH returns THUMBS UP ]

[ GOMEZ and MORTICIA SMILE KNOWINGLY ]

So, Fester.

What project are you turning that keen, scientific mind to, now?

I'm trying to recreate Dr. Sterling's Hair Growth Formula for Shampoo.

But I thought you enjoyed being bald?

Oh, I do.

But it tastes great.

[ POURS BEAKER ]

Eureka!

I did it!

[ CAULDRON starts BUBBLING OVER... ]

Sometimes, I even surprise myself.

Uh-oh.

Gomez?

Morticia?

A little help, please?

[ FESTER, TRAPPED inside BUBBLE... ]

So what do you think, querida?

Slingshot or crossbow?

I have just the thing.

[ BLOWS DART ]

[ FESTER CRASHES to GROUND ]

Nice shot!

[ FESTER SPLUTTERS ]

Thanks.

[ FESTER FAINTS ]

Awoooooo... !