Original subtitles

Play ball!

Ah!

Fester, how can we finish the game if you're joking around?

Darling, I believe he's choking, not joking.

Oh, why didn't he say so?

Thanks a lot, Gomez.

Play ball!

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

It's really quite simple, my dear.

You put a dime on the tracks.

You speed the trains up.

Ah!

And, voilà!

Change!

Bravo, darling!

I'll have Lurch bring a rabbit.

Really see how I split hares!

Oh, dear.

Seems the gong has broken.

Good thing we had that emergency system installed.

You smashed, then rang?

Lunch, we...

Look, it's a seven car pileup~

And there's a tornado!

Ooh~!

It's a natural disaster~

It's the apocalypse~!

Ooh..

It's Cousin Catastrophia!

It's Cousin Catastrophia!

Oh, uh, this broke off...

Um, I'll, I'll pay for it.

Cousin Catastrophia.

How lovely to see you!

How are you?

Oh, you know me.

If it isn't one thing, it's another.

Oh, I missed you all~

Yes, but you've hit everything else.

How is your dear sister, Melancholia?

Oh, she's...

... suicidal!

How nice~

To what we owe your delightful visit?

Ohh, can't a cousin just drive by?

Oh, Morticia!

I lost my job... !

Again?

I mean,

what happened?

I have no idea.

I was so happy working in that china shop!

I'm sorry,

I'll pay for that.

Nonsense, dear. It was old anyway.

Huh, Ming vases.

They're a million dollars a dozen.

They said they couldn't afford to keep me on.

Something about, uh... insurance?

Premiums?

Come, I'll show you to your room.

You're among family now.

... surprised they haven't named a hurricane after her.

Ugh...

Ugh...

I love it when cousin Catastrophia comes to visit.

She always brings along such... disaster!

Maybe that explains why the gong isn't working.

It's not working.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'll go have a look at it and get it fixed.

Poor Catastrophia.

She has absolutely nothing going for her.

She doesn't even seem to enjoy it!

The poor dear has such low self-esteem...

We should do everything we can to make her feel needed.

Oh, is it dinnertime already?

You must let me help.

No, Catastrophia, watch out for the...

... aaah!!

On second thought,

maybe I should just eat in my room...

Maybe the gong's fuse is blown?

Ow!

That one works.

Ow!

That one works.

Ow-w!

That one really works!

Oh, right.

The gong.

Since when did we get a herd of elephants?

... Ahhhh!! Ooh...

I think that's Cousin Catastrophia.

Of course.

Remember.

Your mother told us to make her feel needed.

Hi, Catastrophia!

Ohh...

Hi...

Uncle Fester and I are fixing the bell cord.

We could really use your help.

Ohh, what can I do~!?

Pull the cord!

25,999 cards.

This is gonna be the... !

Shh!

This is gonna be the best haunted house of cards we've ever built.

All I have to do,

is put in the last card.

26,000 cards.

It's a masterpiece!

... and here you are both cooped up inside.

I'm just gonna open this window.

Window!?

Window!?

Nooooooooooooo.......... !

That's much better.

Hoo.

I suppose you're all wondering why I've called this family meeting.

She's trying to... !

Oh, my nerves.

Maybe you're not wondering why I called this family meeting.

I thought we usually meet in the elevator?

It's broken.

And I'm sure you all know the reason why.

Now the quest remains.

What are we going to do about it?!

Gomez, I admit cousin Catastrophia is... difficult.

But I don't want to hurt her feelings.

We should all be encouraging.

Why don't we encourage her into a new condo!

... In Asia!

Haha!

Tish,

I think we all enjoy the mayhem that follows her wherever she goes.

But I'm afraid we're going to have to ask Cousin Catastrophia to...

Ask me to whaat??

Cousin. Catastrophia...

We didn't hear you come in.

That's because she didn't break anything.

Look what I found!

Just lying around!

Someone could get hurt!

Uhh, Cousin Catastrophia.

Uh, we were going to ask you if...

Wait a moment.

Before you say another word.

There's something that I want to tell you all.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it can be fixed or replaced or we don't need it anyway...

But that's just it.

I want to pay you,

for everything that I've smashed

broken,

incinerated,

pulverized with... !!!!

That's very magnanimous,

and [...] completely unnecessary!

Nevertheless...

I have decided,

that I'm going to stay here,

until I can find a job,

so I can...

... pay you all back for your kindness~

I don't think we can afford that.

Catastrophia...

I'm glad to see you're approaching this job search with planning and forethought.

Absolutely.

Listing all the jobs you'd never be right for?

You...

You...

You don't think I'd be right for any of these jobs?

Actually, I'm certain you'll be a smashing success at any one of them.

[ GIGGLES REASSUREDLY ]

But isn't there something more personal?

Something you've always wanted to do?

Well.

There is one thing... !

But [...] you'll laugh!

You want to be a stand-up comedian?

[ WOLF HOWLS ]

When I was a little girl,

I always dreamed of becoming...

... an Opera singer!

[ GIGGLES ]

Well, I was close.

That's a wonderful idea.

Can you sing?

Can I sing... !?

[ WARBLES TERRIBLY... ]

[ GIGGLES ]

Well, that answers that question.

I beg your pardon?

Fester's in the egg garden?

Darling.

What?

Hmm?

What?

What?

Hmm?

Hm.

I just need to find the master gong box,

serving the entire house.

Uhh, Uncle Fester?

Not now, Pugsley,

I'm still looking.

It's right there.

Where?

Now, look, Pugsley, I don't have time to play games right now, alright?

Maybe later when I'm handling dangerous explosives.

Eureka, I found it!

Well I mean, it looks alright.

Well, that seems to be working fine.

The problem must be somewhere else.

What do you think, Pugsley?

Sorry.

Now, remember, I've only been practicing for a couple of days.

But dear Cousin Itt has taught me everything that he knows.

[ WARBLING LANGUAGE ]

Well, don't keep us in suspense.

Lurch, if you would.

[ PIANO... ]

[ CATASTROPHIA SQUEAKS LIKE A MONKEY... ]

...... ! ♪

[ APPLAUSE ]

Bravo, bravo!

By George, he has taught her everything he knows!

[ WARBLING SUGGESTION ]

That's a wonderful idea.

We'll have a big premiere for Catastrophia and invite all her friends.

[ GASPS ]

We'll need a theatre!

Capital idea, Thing!

The Fumento Brothers' Opera Company and Dinner Theatre.

Sounds very elegant.

Fumento Brothers' Opera Company and Dinner Theater?

Gomez Addams, here.

We'd like to rent your dinner theatre,

and introduce a brilliant new opera star!

Uh, rent?

Like in money?

Money is no object.

Name your price.

Money?

What money?

Who'sa got money!?

Our theatre.

Is-a saved!

[ LAUGHING ]

What'd they say?

[ LAUGHTER... ]

Sounds like they're hugging.

[ LAUGHTER... ]

Why don't you come over right away, so we can discuss the details?

We'll come right-a over!

Perfect.

[ HANGS UP PHONE ]

Catastrophia,

you're going to be an opera star!

[ GASPING SQUEAK ]

Congratulations.

Oh, Gomez... !

I can't thank you enough... !

Noooo... !

If you thank me anymore...

I won't be able to breathe... !

Stop... !

[ CATASTROPHIA GIGGLES ]

Antonio and Giuseppe Fumento, from Fumento Brothers Opera Company & Dinner Theater.

Welcome to our home, signiori.

[ GASP! ]

Tish!

That's Italian!

They speak that nearly, which is near French.

Where they speak!

... I'm pushing it, aren't I?

Just a little.

Gentlemen, please, come in.

Allow me to introduce your new diva!

Miss Catastrophia!

[ WOBBLES DOWN STEPS ]

[ GRABS AND BREAKS PART OF RAILING ]

[ FALLS ]

... I'll take this.

Excuse my directness, but, uhh.

In the opera world, we have a small, uh, custom.

It'sa called-a "cash, upfront."

Of course!

[ GOMEZ PULLS GONG LEVER ]

[ COW MOOS ]

Oh, Fester seems to be making progress with the gong.

Either that or we've got cattle in the attic.

You rang?

Thank you, Lurch.

Will this be enough?

I think we can get a buy on that.

Oh, well, uhh. See you on Friday, then!

Ciao~!

Wouldn't you like to hear her sing, first?

Sing?

Of course... sing!

[ TAKES DEEP BREATH ]

Stop!

I can just tell.

Just about the way you... [HEAVES BREATH IN]

...feel-a your lungs.

You are [CHEF'S KISS] truly a talented woman.

Now, if you excuse us, we have many bills...

[ CLEARS THROAT POINTEDLY ]

Uhh, a much to do, before your performance.

[ CHUCKLE AND TURN TO LEAVE ]

What a nice man.

Indeed.

And a good judge of talent, too!

... ?

[ CATASTROPHIA, STILL HOLDING BREATH, GESTURING AT HERSELF FRANTICALLY ]

Catastrophia, you can let it out now.

Wait!

Battle stations, everyone!

[ ALARM SOUNDS... ]

Let her go!

[ CATASTROPHIA HOLDS HIGH NOTE ] [ HOUSE QUAKING ]

Is it safe?

[ GOMEZ FAINTS ]

"FUMENTO BROTHERS OPERA COMPANY & DINNER THEATRE"

[ POSTER OF CATASTROPHIA ] "See Her First Appearance"

... Tutti!

Won't you come in?

[ WAITER SETS PLATE IN FRONT OF GRANDMAMA ]

[ WAITER SETS PLATE IN FRONT OF LURCH ]

[ WAITER SETS PLATE IN FRONT OF FESTER ]

This is repulsive.

What kind of a sicko would eat a chicken?

Oh, I do hope they like her.

I'll keep my eyes crossed.

[ GOMEZ CROSSES EYES ]

[ MICROPHONE FEEDBACK ]

Ladies and gentlemen.

The Fumento Brothers' Opera & Dinner Theatre,

is proud to present,

the world debut, of a promising new focal talent.

Miss Catastrophia!

[ FANFARE & APPLAUSE ]

[ CATASTROPHIA'S VIKING HORNS BUMP INTO STAGE SET ]

[ APPLAUSE... ]

[ OPERA MUSIC IN BACKGROUND ]

[ DROPS PROP ] La... !?

[ CATASTROPHIA OPERA SINGS... ]

♪

La..

[ STUTTERS, SINGS AGAIN ]

[ GLASSES SHATTER ]

[ GOMEZ WINCES ]

♪

[ AUDIENCE LEAVING ]

[ FESTER GRIMACES ENCOURAGINGLY ]

[ TERRIBLE SINGING CONTINUES... ] ♪

[ AUDIENCE PLUGGING THEIR EARS, SCRAMBLING TO LEAVE ]

♪

[ TABLE COLLAPSES ]

♪ !!!!

[ STAGE COLLAPSES BEHIND HER ]

Oh... !

[ CATASTROPHIA'S FAMILY PITY CLAPS CONVINCINGLY ]

Bravo, bravo!

[ FESTER BLOWS KISS ]

Bravo, bravo!

Encore!!!

[ CLEANING UP MESS ]

We're ruined.

We must apologize.

I'm afraid Catastrophia caused a little more damage, than we expected.

Only a little.

I hope this will cover your expenses.

Thank you.

Look, Giuseppe.

With a little money, we can rebuild...

Hey, you rebuild.

I'ma going back to Italy.

Where's za ship?

Oh, it looks like you get Catastrophia all to yourself...

Ugh..

Wait for me!

Oh.

Oh, Morticia.

Gomez, everyone left me, and they hated my singing... !

Nonsense!

They just wanted to survive to...

... hear you sing another day!

Ohh.

Excuse me, Miss Catastrophia?

My name's Larry Brady, and well, I'm a big opera fan.

I have seen performances,

all over the world.

But this.

This was absolutely the worst singing I've ever heard.

She has been working very hard.

But.

What you lack, in, uh, singin' ability,

you seem to make up for with a,

a natural talent for destruction.

I'd like to offer you a five-year contract.

Singing?

No!

Oh, no, no.

No, it's, I own, uh, Pleasant Pines Demolition Incorporated,

and Miss Catastrophia's abilities would be a great asset to my company.

I am, uh...

... prepared to be quite generous.

I don't know what to say... !

[ GIGGLES ]

How about "I'll take the job"?

I'll take the job.

Thank you, Mr Brady!

[ TAKES HIS ARM ]

[ STOMPS ON GOMEZ'S FOOT ]

Oh... !

[ GOMEZ GRIMACING IN PAIN ]

Allow me, Miss Catastrophia.

Oh, don't be silly.

[ GIGGLES ]

I can open a door for myself.

[ DOORS FALL OFF HINGES ]

... I'll pay for that!

[ GOMEZ READING : "GENTLEMAN'S DRAWN AND QUARTERLY" ]

I've done it.

I fixed the gong.

That's wonderful, old man.

What was wrong with it?

Actually, it started to work again

once Cousin Catastrophia left.

But, I decided to replace the gong belt,

and tighten the pull-cords just to make sure.

Now, remember.

You've gotta pull gently, at first.

Like this!

[ PULLS CORD ]

[ GETS PULLED UP INTO THE CEILING ]

Ahh.. hahahaha... !

.... !?

Gomez... !

You rang?

Yes, Lurch.

Could you clean up this mess?

And, uh.

Tell Mrs Addams that Fester won't be home for supper.

[ GOMEZ & LURCH STARE UP AT THE CEILING ]

[ GOMEZ GRIMACES ]

Awooo... !