Original subtitles

More bounce, old man.

I've almost collapsed a lung!

Relax.

I know just what'll do the trick.

So nice to have Fester around to fix things!

Thank you, Morticia.

A few more springs ought to do it.

Fester... !

Fester, can you stop now... !?

Gomez?

Gomez?

Gomez?

Greetings.

I hope I didn't

drop in at a

bad time.

Oh,

are those hands brains?

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

I don't know why I even bother pruning your petals.

You'll only grow new ones.

Tish?

You're not ready yet.

Have you forgotten?

This is the event we've been looking forward to all year!

The night the bats come back to Capistrano.

Perhaps another time, darling.

Right now I'm suffering from an overwhelming sense of ennui.

Ennui.

That's French!

And the bats just took a backseat.

It's more serious than I thought.

Querida.

What's wrong?

The worries.

I'm feeling such a void.

I seem to be developing a hole in my soul.

Really?

Is it painful?

I'm speaking existentially, darling.

As an artist my life has no meaning.

Oh, querida.

How can you doubt your artistic soul?

Look around!

Well, the flowers are barren.

The vines are dying off the, the vine!

And the sculpture garden.

Never looked better.

Why, if that doesn't speak your artistry, I don't know what does!

Perhaps.

But I need to create something magnificent.

Something that says

"Morticia was here."

Something that will last an eternity.

I know.

Why not try your hand at sculpting?

What an excellent idea!

Anytime you want to take a break, just say the word.

I'm sorry, darling. Did you say something?

Hnn.

Children?

Why are you rushing so?

No reason.

Your mother and I would like a word with you.

We received a letter from your school today. Do you know anything about it?

We haven't done anything.

Out of character.

Well, let's just see what your teacher has to say, shall we?

Both children exhibit sadomasochistic tendencies,

typical of a classic sociopath.

Their disruptive influence has shocked their classmates.

I can explain.

No explanation is necessary.

You've made us very proud.

Keep up the bad behavior.

Oh, we will.

Now, run along and have Mama whip up a new batch of her poisoned apples.

Yes, Father.

Oh, my little Cleopatra.

Have you decided on a subject matter yet?

Not yet, darling.

Would you, uh,

care to brainstorm any ideas?

Thank you, no, my love.

I'm sure the inspiration's here somewhere.

I'm just waiting for it to jump out of me.

Are you sure nothing comes to mind?

That's it.

What better than to do a statue of my beloved?

Ho ho...

I don't know...

Oh, please, darling. It'll be fun.

I'll sculpt the entire family.

Excellent!

... I need you to stand right over here.

And hold this in front of you,

like this.

Please, Tish!

The suspense is killing us!

On second thought, keep it up a little longer.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to see how you've captured the real me~

Lurch, a little fanfare, please.

Interesting.

I don't get it.

Which one's me?

Come on, old man.

Isn't it obvious?

The...

The salt silhouette!

The, uh...

The earthly stare,

the, the, the hunkering mess!

Quite an amazing resemblance, actually.

Gomez,

that one is you.

Ha, of course!

Oh, no.

You don't like my sculpture.

No, no, no, it's just that...

Well...

Great art takes a while to get used to!

Wait, we haven't heard from everyone?

Thing?

Well.

Apparently I'm a failure as an artist.

Now, if you excuse me.

I want to be alone.

Are you sure you're up to this?

Relax.

I've been practicing.

Ouch!

So,

is Morticia still upset?

I'm afraid she is.

I just wish there was something I could do to cheer her up.

Oh, maybe find someone who had an interest in her work.

Do you know any blind people?

No.

But I do know a crooked art dealer.

I'm sure he'd take some pieces off our hands.

For a price.

Let me get this straight.

You're going to bribe an art dealer,

to lie to your wife,

in order to give her delusions of talent.

I like it.

Perfect!

Now that I got you in the chair,

how about a trim?

Sammy Warhol.

Excellent!

Have Mrs. Addams meet us in the dungeon!

Yes, Mr. Addams.

Mr. Warhol.

So good of you to come!

I'm a big fan of your gallery!

Oh, really?

Which pieces?

I have no idea.

I'm also a big fan of empty pleasantries.

Adiós, Fester!

Now, let me make sure I understand your proposal, Mr. Addams.

You want me to purchase your wife's sculptures using your money?

And I'll give you $10,000 for your exquisite taste.

Everyone goes home happy.

I just love the art business.

Shall we meet the artist?

Without further ado?

Just a minute.

Are you ready, old chap?

Breathtaking, isn't it?

Keep your money, Mr. Addams.

Even a scam artist such as myself, has his limits.

What do your limits say about 20,000?

Done.

But I don't feel good about it.

Ahh, querida!

I have stupendous news for you.

Meet Sandy Warhol, famous art dealer.

He's here to purchase some of your work.

Please, Gomez, I'm in no mood to be toyed with.

But it's true, lovely lady.

I want to buy the entire collection.

Really?

Of course. It's the work of a master.

A "master"? Did you hear that, Gomez?

Ahh, Tish.

I never doubted your ability for a moment.

I love it all.

Do you have any more?

No! Uhhh, this is the entire series.

Here you go.

But I could make some more.

Esxcellent.

Uh, whip up a few more, and give me a call.

Adieu.

Ahhh, querida.

Do you know what you do to me when you chip away at a great, big,

granite slab?

Don't move.

Addams' residence, Gomez here.

Oh.

It's you.

It's for you.

Hello?

Mr. Warhol.

You need ten more pieces by Friday?!

A show?

Really?

Really??

Oh, I'll get started right away.

Hey, Morticia.

I have a big date, tonight.

Will you help me pick out which jacket to wear?

The straitjacket?

Or the bulletproof vest??

How nice.

Mona's a really snappy dresser.

That's wonderful.

Thanks.

Have a good time.

Mother, I was thinking of trying out for the Pep Squad.

And I was gonna be the new Hall Monitor.

Congratulations.

Bad time, Tish?

Not at all.

I can work and talk at the same time.

You don't understand!

I need your undivided attention.

I can't, darling.

Art, can be a cruel mistress.

That's my point, exactly.

I need my cruel mistress, back!

I know, darling. But Mr. Warhol needs five sculptures by Friday.

Tish.

Please, cara... !

Come to the cemetery... !

Take a romantic walk with me... !

Even if it's just for a moment... !

Well.

But just for a minute.

Right this way, Tish.

Now keep your eyes closed.

Just a few more feet...

And...

Surprise~!

I've made all your favourites.

Arachnid chowder,

chicken face medley,

mousse of moose!

Darling, it looks lovely.

And I wish I could enjoy it with you.

But Mr. Warhol needs these sculptures, by Friday.

You understand.

But what about our romantic dinner?

Not exactly what I had in mind.

Look out, Mama! There's one in your hair.

I'm invading him here.

Shoo, you wild creature!

I'm sure you all know I've called this meeting.

I hope it's not another intervention.

I swear, I'm off the hard explosives.

No, this time it's about Morticia.

My wife, ring any bells?

I seem to remember someone named Morticia.

Used to run this house.

Then got an idea of becoming an artist.

Then with everything got apart.

That's a little harsh.

Looking around this room, it's...

... starting to make much of an argument.

Lurch!

What happened to you?

Lifting rocks.

Pulled muscle.

... Augh!

You wanted to see us?

Children!

What have you done to yourselves?!

What do you mean?

Can't you see what's happening, Gomez?

Without their mother's attention,

they've fallen in with a bad crowd.

Not my children!

Let's face it, Gomez.

It's outta control.

Sunlight.

Flowers.

Junior Troopers and Junior Troopettes!

It's time to stop the madness!

Is it really that bad?

Would anyone like some Slim Mint Cookies?

They're new and improved.

45% less fat.

If I tell her the truth,

I'll crush her.

But if I let her live this lie,

I'll never see her again.

I might as well be single.

Like Fester.

Like Fester...

Are you sure we can get into this club?

Don't worry about a thing.

There's a secret password.

What's the secret password?

I have fifty sticks of dynamite strapped to my chest~

I know, I know, but what's the secret password?

How'dja find this place?

All I did was drive around for a few hours

and make a left at the end of your rope.

That's the term, swinging.

So!

This is the single life, huh?

Aw, yeah.

I give out my number to country girls.

Who for some reason, always dial 9-1-1.

Women,

go figure.

It stinks being single.

Stinks being single...

Stinks being single...

Stinks being single...

It stinks being single...

It stinks being single...

It stinks being single...

Stop that.

It stinks...

Sorry.

I don't want to be single.

I don't want my footloose or my fancy free.

I want my Tish back!

Morticia!

Morticia.

Oh, Tish.

I just had a dream.

Really?

Were we miserable?

Actually, you weren't in it!

I wasn't?

No!

But I thought I was always in your dream.

Well, not recently.

... Gomez!

Morticia!

Gomez!

Morticia!

I looked all over the cemetery and

I can't find the children anywhere.

It's two o'clock in the morning!

Oh, Gomez.

You don't suppose they...

Oh, my poor babies!

What's this?

Another note from the teacher!?

... No!

In the past few weeks, Wednesday and Pugsley have become...

... m-model students...

Oh, no!

They are now extremely popular with their classmates...

Wednesday has joined the.. cheerleading squad, and... !

Why?

Pugsley is... President of the Student Council...

The horror!

The horror... !

This is all my fault... !

No, cara!

It's my fault, too.

I was so consumed with the thought of losing you.

I couldn't think about anything else.

Don't blame yourself, darling.

I've been so driven by the urge to create.

But I've neglected my greatest creations of all.

Our children.

Look how they're dressed.

But I've neglected you, and the rest of the family, as well.

I know.

I know.

Darling.

Would you mind if I gave up sculpting?

Mind?

Oh, querida!

Nothing would make me happier!

Isn't that right, Fester?

Alright.

It's just too bad you didn't quit before Gomez forked over that half million to Warhol.

Oops.

Did I say that out loud?

Darling...

Did you pay Mr. Warhol to purchase my statues?

Cara mia, forgive me.

You seem so discouraged.

I just wanted to make you feel better.

Darling.

That is...

... the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Care to make up for a little lost time?

Mon amour...

Cara mia...

50 pounds of TNT,

500 pounds of rock!

Ah, Tish, are you sure you don't miss sculpting?

Darling, there are so many other ways for me to express my creativity.

Besides, after a while,

chiseling rock became... peaceful.

Tranquil.

Soothing.

Hey, Morticia!

We're all set.

So, how do you like our new rock garden?

Ahhh, my little landscape artist.

It's just what the cemetery needed.

Kids.

Cop.

Why, Officer Feif, how lovely to see you again.

Thank you for bringing the children home.

You're an officer and a gentleman.

And they're an arsonist and a felon.

Really?

Well,

all the school cheerleader uniforms were found burnt to a crisp in a fiery pit.

And,

I caught them with this.

Thank you, Officer Feif.

We'll take it from here.

Unless you'd like to join us for some hemlock tea.

No!

I mean.

I've gotta go.

Erica Strought is on Hollywood Squares.

Children,

you know what this means, don't you?

Yes, Mother.

Unlimited television!

A raise in your allowance!

And no bedtime for three weeks!

Come, Pugsley.

Let's go celebrate in the dungeon.

So lovely, our status is finally back to quo.

Tish!

Was any of that French?

No.

But I won't tell if you don't.

Awoooo... !