Original subtitles

(groans)

Does he not think there could be ghosts in here,

or does he just not care?

Clippings not even landing in basket. Is disgusting.

And that's coming from a man who just told a story

about ripping out a Dane's entrails.

This is a bathroom activity, man.

You don't do this in the main area.

HETTY: What? Now, don't cut the pinky one.

That's nature's cocaine spoon.

Hmm.

At least it over now.

Oh.

Oh, and he's going for the foot. Buckle up.

Sass, there's someone out here who's looking for you.

Sorry, kid, that smoke break

took a lot longer than I expected.

Joan. Oh, my God.

Uh... wh-where were you?

-Where-where have you been? -It's a long story.

I'll tell you all about it, but in the meantime,

you just gonna stand there gawking,

or you gonna lay one on me?

Kiss her, you fool!

(Alberta giggles)

Aw, this is just like in the movies.

Ooh, we got a big boy. Timber!

Oh. What was that?

Just Jay's toenail flying through your head.

Oh. That one got some air.

Welcome back, Joan.

♪ ♪

TREVOR: Well, it's a done deal.

Mayor Tad is now the majority stakeholder

in Woodstone.

So, are they technically a throuple now?

I mean, in the business sense, sure.

What about in the "doing it together in a waterbed" sense?

Not yet, but once you let a silver fox into the henhouse,

all bets are off.

So, what are these pictures for?

Oh, just a little press release

announcing my investment in Woodstone

and how I, Mayor Tad, swept in and rescued

a local business from financial ruin.

I was a huge supporter of local businesses in my day.

That's why I frequented Scores

instead of one of the big chain strip clubs.

So, uh, Tad, in terms of this

new partnership, how exactly does it work?

You just get on the waterbed, put on some CCR,

and don't overthink it. (clicks tongue)

Yeah, like, I'm planning on revamping the new spring menu.

Is that something you want to be looped in on?

Let me stop you right there. I want you

to keep doing what you're doing. I believe in you two.

Oh, that's nice. Stupid but nice.

Plus, I'm far too busy to weigh in

on day-to-day issues here at Woodstone.

SAMANTHA: Oh, I'm sure.

Being a mayor must be a very big and important job.

Exactly. Well, I'm off to a ribbon cutting at a dog spa.

Okay, Tad. Uh, we'll hold down the fort here.

(laughs) Everybody thinks they can hold down a fort.

Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds.

There's flags to raise. There's cannons to polish.

There's horsemeat to ration. (laughs)

It's-it's a whole, it's a whole production.

JOAN: So,

there I was, on a flight back to the States.

Suddenly, turbulence threw me from my seat.

I flew straight out of the plane.

That's why I always sit in the center aisle.

Lots of walk-throughs, but better than

falling out over the Atlantic. (laughs)

You fell out of an airplane?

Landed smack-dab in the middle

of what I later learned was Mongolia.

Lot of yaks. Not a lot of direct flights back to LaGuardia.

So how did you get back?

I hoofed it.

Through the desert, over mountain ranges.

I thought of giving up many times,

but one thing kept me going--

the thought of making it back to you, Sass.

-Aw. -That is so sweet.

Yeah. Speaking of sweet stories,

do you remember the holiday rom-com that we discussed

last time you were here? Polar Opposites?

Yes, of course. It was set at the north pole,

it had two characters who were very different,

and one of them was named Jenny Polar.

(chuckles) Exactly.

Well, I actually banged out a first draft

and I printed it out for you,

so if you had a minute,

I would love to get a real screenwriter's opinion.

Oh, well, can't turn the pages.

Which is why I laid it out for you

on the floor of the upstairs den.

This woman is relentless.

-It would be my pleasure. -Great. (chuckles)

I'll rescue you soon.

Oh, this is a disaster.

Oh, I don't know, I read an earlier floor draft.

-I think it had some fun stuff. -I'm talking about Joan.

She doesn't know that I hooked up with Bela.

Well, in-in your defense, Joan didn't come back

when she said she was going to.

It's "lost at sea" rules. Someone disappears,

at-at a certain point, it's only human to move on.

It's like that movie we watched, Cast Away.

Tom Hanks was stuck on the island.

Helen Hunt moved on. She didn't know.

A-And Tom Hanks cheated on her with that volleyball.

-What? -No, he didn't.

Well, they didn't show it, but something happened.

You don't scream like that when a "friend" goes away.

I need to tell Joan about Bela.

No. You didn't do anything wrong.

If you tell her, it's just gonna hurt her.

That's true. I guess you're right.

"Wilson! Wilson! I loved being with you romantically!"

Is the subtext. Right?

I can't believe you guys didn't get that.

-Hey, Sam. -Hey, Mark.

So, are they in here? The ghosts?

Yeah, uh, there's a Viking,

a finance bro, a scout leader, and a hippie.

And a purple astronaut named Ronald.

Only you can see him, Flower.

Right, 'cause of the drugs.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm freaking out, Sam.

I-I wish you'd never told me about them.

You know, I've been driving home

every time I need to go to the bathroom?

Oh, you don't need to do that. They're pretty respectful.

Besides, you probably have ghosts at your place, too.

-What? -How that helpful, Sam?

I've been to Mark's place. There's a lady with no face.

Chimp attack. But maybe that's a "just for us" story.

-Hey, babe. -(screams)

We got to turn on the local news right now.

Okay, what's going on?

The mayor's in hot water, that's what's going on.

NEWSCASTER (over TV): Allegations are swirling,

the mayor used city workers to repair

a broken driveway gate at his private residence.

They're calling it "Gate-gate."

Huh, that's sort of clever.

I caught up with the mayor inside City Hall moments ago.

The allegations are false. I look forward to rigorously

defending myself at the next City Council meeting.

What about security footage showing the workers

on your property actually repairing the gate in question?

I'm gonna go with A.I., Jim.

Is that a toenail?

-It's a ghost thing. -NEWSCASTER: And what about speculation...

-What? -...you used city workers to build

a Playboy-style grotto on your private property?

What about speculation you were doing tequila shots

in that grotto with the Channel Five weather woman

at my Fourth of July party?

(chuckles nervously): And that is all from City Hall.

Yeah, I thought so, punk.

-Huh. That doesn't seem good. -Mm, nope.

But these things usually blow over, right?

Well, that's it. I'm out as mayor.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, no, it's good news 'cause I can roll up my sleeves,

really dig in here.

I'm all Woodstone all the time now, baby.

That not good.

-Oh-oh, well, great. -Idea:

replace the pavers in the front walkway.

Also, change the wallpaper in the entryway.

Ugh, this is gonna be most inconvenient.

And have the staff start dressing less frumpy.

Eh. On the other hand, some new ideas could be refreshing.

It's not a misuse of public resources

to have city workers fixing my gate.

If I don't feel secure on my property,

I can't sleep. I mayor poorly.

Thor like that. Mayor as verb.

How do you know about verbs?

But that's in the past. Let's talk about the future.

I've been doing an assessment of the restaurant

and the B and B.

With regard to occupancy,

it seems like half the rooms are perpetually blocked off.

-Yes, those are our bedrooms. -THORFINN: You want guests

rolling through ghosts in middle of night? (laughs)

Don't think so.

On the website, I mean, it seems like...

(scoffs) can't even book 'em.

We prefer to create a scarcity.

That's sort of a business strategy.

It's like De Beers with the diamonds.

(Chicago accent): Da Beers. (laughs)

(normal voice): SNL. Ditka.

It's a classic. Nailed it.

Okay. Uh... Let me drill down, get a little more practical.

Jay, you mentioned the spring menu earlier.

Don't worry, I'm on it. I know that's below your pay grade.

Perhaps in a pre-Gate-gate world.

Now I got nothing but time.

Maybe you could prepare a sampling of the new dishes.

I could critique 'em.

Let's see. What other action items do I have here?

Jay loving this about as much as Thor love clutter.

Which not very much.

Thor famously hate clutter.

ISAAC: Samantha, if I may,

we're dealing with a political animal.

If you wish to neutralize Mayor Tad,

might I suggest appealing to his massive ego.

Tad. (chuckles)

As much as we love

this feedback, I can't help but feel like

a great businessman like you

shouldn't be wasting his energy

on occupancy rates and menu items.

-Go on. -JAY: Sam's right.

Spring menu? (scoffs) Small ball, man.

You are a visionary. You're a world builder.

Oh. Oh, maybe this-this whole scandal

is actually an opportunity for you to strike out

in a bold new direction.

You're right. Improving this small business

at the margins, that's-that's not worthy of my time.

Exactly. You need to write the next chapter in the book of Tad.

Yes. I need to look at the whole board.

This is my time in the wilderness,

and I shall emerge renewed.

I just have one piece of advice

if you're going into the wilderness.

Don't hug any bears.

Unless they're, like, so cute, then you gotta.

-(sighs) -Wow. (chuckles)

That was amazing.

-It really was. -(sighs)

It really was.

(sighs)

-Joan, I heard you were back. -So nice to see you.

Yeah, yeah. Listen up.

-Oh. -While I was gone,

who was Sasappis making whoopee with?

-(laughs) I'm sorry, what? -You heard me.

Something stinks to high heaven.

Sass and I just had a roll in the hay,

and let's just say it was much different than before.

How so?

It was good. Real good.

Suspiciously good.

Almost like he went to school for it.

Question is, who was his teacher? Was it you?

-Heavens, no. -Or you?

I mean, it's possible, but I really don't think so.

Joan, on my honor, I can assure you that,

while you were gone, Sasappis did not hook up with...

-any ghost. -Hmm.

The way you said "any ghost" makes it sound like

he hooked up with someone who isn't a ghost.

Well, how would that even work?

Couldn't he, like, hook up with someone in their dream?

Good point, Flower.

Oh, wait, shoot, that's what actually happened.

Oh, shoot.

This is the lady he's hiding that from.

Who was it?

Don't say Bela.

(gasps)

So, do the ghosts mention stuff they see when you're not here?

He now realizing how much lunch meat

we see him take over the years.

Occasionally.

They call you the Mortadella Monster.

I'll, uh, Venmo you some money.

(whispers): Thank you.

TAD: I got it.

I know how I'm gonna spend my next five years.

Oh, that's great, Tad.

And I owe it all to you two, with your advice

to think bigger.

Aw... (laughs) So what's your plan?

Well, before I bought Woodstone, as you know,

I did extensive research into your business.

One of the items I came across

was an early review of your restaurant Mahesh

from the Hudson Valley Gazette.

-You know the one I'm talking about? -TREVOR: That's the guy that

I bribed to do a good review, but then Jay found out,

and then he gave Jay a genuinely good review.

-Yeah, I remember. -TAD: In the review, the writer

sung your praises, but then, at the end,

almost as an aside, he mentioned that

what the Hudson Valley could really use

was an "upscale breastaurant."

Oh, my God, is this really happening?

Hooters meets fine dining, if you will.

An elevated ogling experience.

Well, I think it's a winner.

-Do you? -And I wish you luck.

Don't wish me luck. Wish us luck.

Where is this going?

-How do you mean, Tad? -TAD: Well,

if I'm gonna own the nation's first chain

of upscale breastaurants,

I'm gonna need a test case.

Starting today,

Mahesh is now the very first

Mountains of the Valley.

Yes!

So, tell me a little about your previous

restaurant experience.

Well, let's see, um...

Italian, Greek, American. (laughs)

Oh, I've eaten in all sorts of restaurants.

-(laughs) -PETE: This young lady

doesn't seem particularly qualified.

Yeah, but the intangibles.

Is that what we're calling them?

I feel good about this.

(laughing): Yay.

THORFINN: Oh.

Mountains of the Valley.

Very clever.

I can't believe this is happening.

This is my life's work. Can he even do this?

Well, you sold him a majority stake in the business.

You should have thought about this

before you got yourself involved

in ghost-related tax evasion problems.

He owns 55% of Woodstone, Jay. I don't think we can stop him.

What a nightmare.

Maybe Jay not understand very clever name of restaurant

because seems impossible

to have this type of reaction once you get.

Oh, I got tough news, team.

Uh, just got an email from my lawyer. Apparently, the name

Mountains of the Valley was already trademarked by someone.

Oh, wait. That's me.

I forgot about that.

When I heard that reviewer pitch that name last year,

I jumped on that.

Why? You're dead.

And yet here I am, sitting on a gold mine, Pete.

That name is everything. It's the concept, it's the vision.

You can make the peaks of the "M" look like two boobs.

Then the middle of the "M," it's a natural valley.

Two Ls in "Valley" could be bra straps. Please convey.

So, are you saying that you're not gonna move forward

with changing Mahesh into a Mountains of the Valley

pilot restaurant if you can't somehow buy that trademark?

TAD: Yes.

(sighs) I got to call my lawyer.

-Jay, this is great. -Well, let's not celebrate yet.

I mean, he still might just buy the trademark.

No, he can't because Trevor is the one who owns it.

JAY: No way. No Pants.

Moving up the ghost rankings.

-Oh, man, this is a tough one. -SAMANTHA: What?

-Why-why-why is it a tough one? -What's going on?

Well, obviously, I love this concept.

And let us not forget that the whole

Mountains of the Valley thing is my baby.

And to marry that concept

with that name on the very property to which I'm bound...

Trevor is considering selling to Tad.

What?

This is bigger than all of us.

One day Jay will be gone,

and with him, Mahesh, but

a chain of restaurants called Mountains of the Valley,

that's forever.

No. Trevor, you can't.

Seriously?

Sam, I'm sorry.

I got a lot to think about.

You're back in last place, No Pants.

-He's gone. -(sighs)

There he is.

Just the handsome fellow I've been looking for.

I'd say we should close the door, but, uh, I can't.

You know, it occurred to me that, ever since I've been back,

I've been flapping my gums about what I've been up to.

Oh, the plane, the fall,

the harrowing reading of Samantha's second act.

But I haven't even asked you what you've been up to.

So... what have you been up to?

Uh, hmm.

Not a whole lot to report. Yeah.

Lot of, uh, branch-watching, pizza-smelling.

-Really? That's it? -Mm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You haven't been hooking up

with Jay's living sister in her dreams?

-You know about that? -Of course I know.

Flower cracked, Hetty corroborated,

and now you're more cooked than yak meat

in a Mongolian stew.

I don't know what to say.

I thought you were coming back November 28th,

but then you didn't, and as the weeks passed,

I got convinced you were never coming back.

That maybe you met someone else or that...

maybe you never cared about me at all.

(sighs)

You were in a tough spot. Truth is,

I don't even care that you canoodled with a Living.

In fact, I don't know if dreams technically even count.

I just don't like that you lied to me.

I know. I should have said something,

but I was just too scared that I was gonna lose you.

Lose me? You numbskull, I crossed the globe for you.

You're not getting rid of me that easily.

(chuckles)

(sighs) Remind me to thank that Bela when I get a chance.

She turned my baby deer into a buck.

Okay, I don't know about baby deer.

Oh, that wasn't an opinion, it was an objective fact.

You were bad. I mean, really bad.

Okay, maybe let's just go back to kissing.

-It was like Hindenburg level. -Okay.

So, you figure out whether you going to sell trademark

-to Tad or not? -TREVOR: It's a tough call.

My first instinct was to tell the mayor to take a hike.

Sam and Jay are my friends, and I don't want to screw them over.

But the more I thought about it,

would it really be screwing them over?

Or would it be

saving them from themselves?

Feels like you want it to be second thing

so that you get to see mountains,

which are boobs. Many people not get that.

I'm serious. How many times do we got to watch

Sam and Jay make every wrong business decision in the book?

(sighs) They are true idiots, but we love.

I'm tired of seeing them broke.

And, yes, they will be upset about Mahesh for a little bit,

but when they're on their yacht with Tobey Maguire

and Fred Durst, they're gonna be thanking me.

Yacht is... boat?

Yacht is boat.

-Thor like. -Yeah.

It's like, it's like they're Rod Tidwell

and I'm Jerry Maguire, and I am sitting here screaming,

"Help me help you."

Mountains of the Valley is a billion-dollar business idea.

What could be more important than that?

Hey, Dad, um, just trying to catch you.

I have some news. Um, there's a situation

with the restaurant.

Um... it's not great.

Just call me back.

How am I gonna tell him about this?

Oh, damn it.

Show me the money!

Why?

From movie. Is quote.

TREVOR: Well, I have some news.

We need to talk.

Trevor just came in.

Oh, yeah? Well, what does he look like?

Does he look like somebody who just screwed us over?

Well, he kind of always looks like that.

I think that that's just sort of his face.

Can I just talk, please?

Look, I want it on the record

that Mountains of the Valley is a great idea,

one that would make a lot of people happy.

I also realize that Mahesh is an idea

that makes you guys happy.

And I want you guys to be happy

because I care about you.

-So... -TAD: The son of a bitch

won't sell me the trademark.

-Really? -TREVOR: Really.

But please, still hire that waitress.

So that's it? You're not going forward with it?

I mean, it is a great concept, but when you boil it down,

that name is just magical. Without it, it's just...

Boobs and steaks.

Exactly.

Wait a second.

John, it's Tad.

Do a trademark check on Boobs & Steaks.

You.

Genius.

Okay, that's on you. But I like it.

Is this really necessary?

I think so, yes.

Excuse me, do you have any hydrangeas?

I don't know.

I'll have to go check in the back.

-Are you flirting with her? -I'm just in character.

It's a dream thing.

-Just give me a second. -What?

Who are you talking to?

Well, my girlfriend Joan just came back,

and there's something she wants to say to you.

Uh-oh.

Thank you for teaching me sex.

Oh. Uh...

Well... (chuckles) Tell her it was my pleasure.

Later on.

The first two times were tough.

-She says you're welcome. -Oh.