Original subtitles

Every single move you make in your sixth decade

is significant.

Monumental.

Every decision is a constant loud metronome

beating out the time you've left on Earth,

accompanying every life choice.

When you're a teenager, you're acutely worried

about what other people think of you.

But I think now, you can just have more fun.

And no decade moves faster than 50 to 60.

You have to make every single second

of your time count.

The secret to building these juicy glutes is doing these four exercises…

Day three post-op from my neck lift, facelift, lower bleph…

Marry me, salmon…

So, these labia minora, you grow them in puberty

and you lose them in menopause.

And that's all we, like, we don't know anything

about the labia minora.

Is it estrogen? Is it testosterone?

- Can you grow them back? - Oh, shit… oh!

Ow! Oh!

Ow!

Oh, shit. Sorry.

- Hey! - Wait!

Hey, wait!

Oh! Sorry. Sorry.

Tell him, tell him to wait!

Wait! Ah!

Sorry.

Don't hit the bus.

Well, I don't think I hurt it…

- Sorry, Alex. - No. No time. Is he here?

- Yes. Alex, just quickly. - Okay.

- Malcolm Hammond keeps calling. - No. No, no, no.

- No, they're in Sam's office. - What?

- They're in Sam's office. - Oh, shit. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had an accident. Actually, I dropped my…

Damian doesn't have long, Alex, so shall we?

Wow, so good to meet you.

You're looking very…

all you need is a white cat

- in your lap to… - I really don't have long.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, can you shut the door?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I was just constantly being asked

when I was gonna write a book.

You know, like Stephen Fry.

- I bet. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, I'm about 80,000 words in now.

Oh, wow. So, what's it about?

Social satire. Think Genet's The Balcony,

but instead of the brothel, it's the Yulin Dog Meat Festival.

Sounds bleak, but it's very funny, like Stephen Fry funny.

It's called Dog Meat.

- I love it. - Oh, okay.

I can…

I think, though, that people

do have quite strong feelings about dogs as food.

I love it.

It's easy to sit in our privilege and judge other cultures, isn't it?

My sister has a pig. He's terrific.

He can count to three with his trotter.

But I would eat his entire head.

You know? All of it, if I had to.

Do you mind if I vape?

- No. - Yeah.

Have you thought about writing a children's book?

Most actors dip their toe in by writing a kids' book.

- You've skipped that step, so. - Has Stephen Fry

written a children's book?

I'm pretty married to Dog Meat.

Ow, my jaw!

Sorry, my jaw just locked.

Sorry. What are you doing?

- I… I… I… - Is she having a fit?

- I don't know. I'm so sorry. - I can't open my mouth!

God, that's never happened before!

- Plum! - Sorry, really?

- Have water. - Oh, okay.

Plum, can you come in?

I'm so sorry about this, Damian.

Maybe call her acupuncturist.

Medic!

- It's a good idea. - Hi!

So nice to meet you. I'm Plum.

Why can't you talk? Just behave yourselves.

- I loved you in Homeland. - Okay.

Your performance blew me away. Oh, yeah, just, like,

- inspirational for me. - What was your favorite…

Did you have a favorite season?

So, it looks like arthritis to me.

- No. - Arthritis in your lower jaw, yeah.

What? Because I dropped the phone on my…

Well, we'll get you a referral to a rheumatoid specialist

- and run some tests. - Well, I mean, it landed really hard.

It's a bummer. It's just an age thing.

Oh. Right, well, I mean, so what next?

Is this just the start of a general decline or…

You're so morbid!

No, what you'll probably find is a decreased range of motion.

So, limited opening. So, no more blowjobs for you.

- No more what for me? - Kebabs.

- Oh. - Tough meats. Not for a while.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Shall we update some details?

Still divorced?

Yeah, I'm still divorced.

I mean, even if I remarried, I'd still be divorced, kinda.

- Have you remarried? - No.

My son Ruari, though,

he goes to uni next month.

So, you know, I was just thinking about getting back out there,

you know, once he moves out.

But, you know, this is…

I mean, this is not a good start.

Do you think you can still be sexy when you're 60?

Sexy to who, though? To another 60-year-old?

No, to anyone.

Or not anyone, but you know, in a club or on a yacht.

Why do you want to be sexy on a yacht when you're 60?

Like, has any man ever said, "Oh, you have to meet my girlfriend.

She's sexy, she's fun, she's 60."

You know? I need to meet someone now.

Jesus Christ.

I think I've got, like, 10 years left as a sexual person, tops.

I need someone for when present me dies.

I need someone to fall in love with me now so there's a bit of time left with this me

before old me is like…

"I'm here now."

You are ridiculous, woman.

- See you tonight. - No, wait!

What am I supposed to wear to Frank's bar thing?

Ruari!

- Mum? Mum? - Discuss what?

Can we go now?

Do you not get your robes at the college?

- Yeah, but I bought mine. - You bought your own robes?

- Why? - I wanna keep them.

Well, can I give it an iron? 'Cause it looks a bit…

No, Mum. Let's go, come on.

Did you buy the hat thing?

Hi, everybody.

Thank you for coming to celebrate this momentous day.

As head girl and head boy, it is our honor to take you through today's proceedings.

Before we begin, we just have a few important…

- Fancy seeing you here. - Oh, shit!

- What the fuck? - I just spotted you,

so I thought I'd say hello and thank you again for firing me.

Did you follow me here?

- What are you doing? - Don't flatter yourself.

My niece is graduating.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Well, I didn't fire you, Malcolm.

I felt I couldn't do my best work for you anymore.

So, you let me go like an already drowned man,

dragging you under. You let me go…

I don't think this is

- the right place to… - …to save yourself,

- but it spurred me on. - Excuse me.

You know, when a shopgirl fires you,

- an interloper! - Are you drunk?

It does something to you, so thank you.

I wrote the book you refused to sell, by the way.

- I didn't refuse to sell it, did I? - And I've self-published it.

It's doing very well.

- Great. - Perhaps you'd like to read it.

I'd like to get closer to the front.

So, congratulations on the book, and…

good luck.

Good luck to you.

Bitch.

As we present the awards,

we'd like to introduce some fun to the proceedings.

- Hey. - A trip down memory lane

for our parents

with a few photographs of us when we started…

at Levenhall in year seven.

Joshua Abbot intends to read biochemistry at the University of Leeds,

as well as bagging the lead role in our school production,

Legally Blonde.

Bridget Callaghan, who will be studying politics

- at the University of Kent. - Wave to Alex.

Ruari Flynn, politics and international relations,

also at the University of Kent.

Fat fuck.

This school is a nation of sheep…

…run by wolves…

- …and owned by pigs. - Get off the stage!

- Jesus. - Throughout your time here,

you've been told diabolical lies.

And your futures inevitably will be filled with disappointment and rejection.

Lots of rejection.

- You guys are all pricks! - Oh, shit.

Oh! Ruari!

- What the fuck? - Do not do that, Ruari!

No, you get down now!

Ruari, what are you doing?

- The burrata, please. - Okay.

That's a large sharing portion.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Did Mia know you were gonna be doing that?

- Or your friends? - What friends?

What do you mean, "what frie…" Your friends.

Aiden. Teddy.

- Ruari, look this way. - Dad. Dad.

We'll do photos later, is all.

- Just leave it. - I mean, what was it for?

It's, like, for the laugh. Go out with a bang.

We're lucky you weren't arrested, you idiot.

Can we get another bottle of the house white?

And may I order the pear crumble?

Mum, we're just doing starters and mains,

and then see how we feel about dessert in a bit.

- It might be gone in a bit. - Well, so might your toes.

Sweet tooth.

Type one diabetes, but, yeah.

Go on.

- Now? - Yes.

What?

Lorcan has something to tell you all.

- You better not be pregnant. - What?

- No, Jesus, Alex! - No, I know, I know.

- Sorry, I just… okay. - No.

Sorry.

No, I've been cast as a series regular in a new US show.

Star Ship: Crimson Control,

and…

What's funny?

Nothing.

Okay.

And anyway…

It's funny because you hate spaceship shows.

- Well, it's not a spaceship show. - Oh, okay.

It's a sci-fi.

And it's shooting

in Canada for six months.

So, we're taking the opportunity to move.

To Canada.

Is this your big break, Lorcan?

Well, it's hardly my "big break," Wally.

Your new big break. I remember that terrible play you were in.

Wally, stop, shh.

You remember that three and a half hour…

Look, I'll be a phone call away.

And when Ruari's finished his first year, he could come and join us.

Potentially.

- We should be heading home soon. - Dad.

We've only just ordered, so…

Oh, there's Mia. Mia's just…

Thank you.

Ruari, there's Mia.

Are you not talking to Mia?

What's going on? Ruari!

- Oh, Jesus, put it down! - What are you doing?! Ruari!

- Put it down! - Ruari, drop the burrata.

- Oh, my God. - You've already made

a lot of today about yourself.

Well, you can fucking talk, you…

- Oh. - What?

My jaw just locked again.

Dad, don't!

Stop, Wally, stop.

Ruari, I think that was for the table.

Yeah.

Fucking hell.

He says he's surplus to requirements now for Ruari.

Yeah, he's made himself surplus to requirements.

Exactly. What about my requirements?

I've been waiting for so long to have a bit of freedom.

In four years, I've not had a man in my bed.

- You are a saint. - I know.

And now, you know, my body's failing.

Ladies. Smoking martinis.

- Ooh, la, la. - Ooh!

- Oh! - How very fucking hip!

- Happy launch. - Hey, look. Like it?

- Yeah. - From the lovely wife.

A congratulations.

I do like it, it's lovely.

- I am so lovely. - Mm-hmm.

Why do all your barmaids have big tits?

They don't all have big tits.

And they're not barmaids.

They're trained mixologists.

They look like trained prostitutes.

Hey, hey!

Now, behave.

It's fine. They don't intimidate me.

- They motivate me. - Did Frank invite Ex-Pat?

- Who's that he's with? - Who cares?

I thought you hated him and you're just friends now.

I don't hate him. We're not friends.

- Oh, shit. - Whoa!

- Queens of the night! - Hey.

- Lovely, Sam. - Oh.

- Come here, you. - Hey.

Oh, look at yous two.

You're sex on stools, aren't you?

Okay. Oh, look at that knee. Oh!

Was that your niece, Patrick?

That's my goddaughter. Now, catch me up.

What are we drinking?

Well, whatever that is.

Mm. Oh, my God!

I love Frank, but he cannot make drinks.

Let's get three of…

Ah! Let's have that. What's that?

Some of this. There you go, one each.

Now, where are we? And why are you looking so pained?

I'm not looking pained. Do I look pained?

No, you look gorgeous, just look a little bit, mm!

Well, I dropped a phone on my…

Patrick, what are you doing? The cab's outside.

Right.

Oh, shite, crossed wires.

Sorry, mm, my bad.

Well, I wish you both goodbye, and I'll see you…

…anon.

I do hate him, actually.

I had a call from my daughter.

She's been in Australia.

Well, she is in Australia. Come back from Fraser Island.

Now, just gently bite down.

That's it.

So, here we go.

Now, just gently push your jaw

against my

- my hand. - Okay.

That's it.

There you go. That's it.

Alex. Alex, hi.

A Yafa Barg…

- It's Barghouti, yeah. - Barg… Barg… Yeah.

- He sent new pages over. Is he a client? - Yeah.

- 'Cause I couldn't see him on the list… - It's fine. Don't…

Thank you.

Oh, and I have something for you.

- Oh, yeah? - Malcolm Hammond's new book.

- What? - He hand-delivered it.

Jesus. Alright, Christopher Nolan.

Is he waiting somewhere while I read it?

He's not, is he? Waiting somewhere?

- No! - No? Okay.

- Or I don't think so. - What?

I thought we let that dick go. Goblin Seed?

- I know, what a pervert. - That's a good name.

Did you sense check that email for me?

What does that even mean?

"I got bored writing it. Finish it for me."

Yes, honey, thank you.

Ooh, Michael was trying to get a hold of you, by the way.

- Who? - Michael.

My nice man-friend with the houses.

No, Ruari starts uni next week.

I wanna spend time with him. My jaw hurts.

Just go, have a bit of fun.

- Shag. - I don't wanna shag.

- Yeah, you do. - Okay, I do.

I do, I do really wanna have sex, but I just, I can't face a new dick.

- I have no new dick energy. - Just get drunk.

Okay.

Listen, there's about six tea towels in there.

Keep an eye on the time. Oh, okay.

- Where's my… Do you not have my… - "Where's my" what?

What?

- You forgot your suitcase, right. - You forgot my suitcase.

I already let you move me in, Mum.

No one's parents are doing that today.

- Did you speak to Dad? - He Monzo'ed me L50.

Well. Ka-ching!

Well, look, give me a call when you get there.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay, let go. - Okay.

- Mum? Mum! - Okay.

Love you.

We're keeping up book club.

Okay?

- Ruari? - There's two books.

Love you. Love you!

- Alright, love you. Love you. - Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

Ruari, it's Mum. Just checking in.

Give me a call.

Okay. Love you.

Oh, my God, I'm doing it!

Oh, my God.

…something was very wrong.

The husband had fled the gruesome scene.

His wife was found inside the oven

completely charcoal from the waist up.

Hey.

Alex?

Michael.

Okay.

Okay.

- I'm sorry I'm a little… - No, it's fine. It's fine.

I told Sam I was open to anything. All ages.

Right. I was saying, I'm sorry I'm a little late.

- I got delayed at the office. - Sorry, I'm…

Sorry. Okay, so you still…

- You still work and… - What?

No, of course you do.

Let's get some alcohol.

So, when did you start working with Sam?

I work for her.

- Oh. - But 10 years ago.

God, I've been working for her for 10 years.

That's…

I had my own business.

A bookshop, but it folded, and I…

What was it you said you do again? Is it…

- Cars? - Close.

- Art. - Oh.

That's how I met Sam and Frank, actually.

And then, I moved into property development.

Oh, wow. That's a big change. That was after your wife died?

My wife isn't dead.

- Oh. - She's in Sussex.

Oh, sorry!

Sam must have… Oh, well, that's nice…

that she's in Sussex, and…

and alive.

So, you're divorced?

Oh, yeah, 12 years.

And what have you been up to? You've been keeping yourself busy and…

Yeah, yeah, I keep myself busy.

Yeah, well, you have to.

- Yeah. - You have to.

My girlfriend and I only broke up four weeks ago.

Oh.

- Well, that's, that's fresh. - Yeah.

Is she younger?

I don't know how old you are.

I'm 67.

Oof.

If you only broke up with your girlfriend four weeks ago…

why are you here?

Well, Sam said you'd been single for a long time now.

- Okay. - And I had a Friday free.

So, what, this is a… This is a pity date?

- Oh, I wouldn't say that. - Well, what would you call it?

Well, that depends.

Do you have to be home or do you wanna come back to mine?

What?

Oh.

- Antique carpet on the stairs. - Oh.

Okay.

What are you doing?

You're taking my…

You're taking my pants off. Oh, shit, you're taking your clothes off.

Over the years, I've learned it's the best way to do this.

Okay.

Oh. Oh, gosh, oh.

- What's the matter? - Sorry. I just,

I'm scared to touch your balls.

- Why are you scared? - Just in case they've dropped.

- Jesus. - Sorry. Sorry.

- They… - Sorry.

They haven't…

- They haven't dropped. - Okay.

They're just regular balls, yes.

Feel my balls.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they… Yeah. They're regular balls.

Sorry.

- Hey. It's okay. - Sorry. Ah!

What's going on?

It's just a…

It's just a tricky time.

Sorry. My son's just left home.

And his dad just got cast in a spaceship show.

And he's just decided to stop being a dad.

And…

You know, I just don't know if there's anything left in my life

that I like anymore.

- Here. - Oh, God, sorry. What the hell?

I'm gonna go down on you, okay?

- Oh, God, please don't. - I'm gonna go down on you.

- Oh, God, no. - Listen to me.

Just lie back and enjoy.

I'm very good at this.

I thank you. Thank you, really.

It's just, I got arthritis in my jaw,

and I think if I even tried to give you a blowjob in return…

Oh, you wouldn't have to.

- That's not what this… - No, no, no, I know.

I know you say that, but, you know, I don't know you

well enough yet to be selfish in bed.

And you know, I think if I tried, we might end up in A&E or…

I could give you a handjob.

I'll give you a handjob.

Oh…

Stop!

I'm so horny.

What the hell?

- What are you doing here? - You messaged me.

Huh?

You spelled "horny" wrong.

I thought I wasn't allowed around here.

That's just when my son lived here.

He moved out? What's that like?

- Can we not, you know, talk about it? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Do I taste like kebab? - Yeah, a little bit.

- Oh, shit. - And toothpaste.

- Sorry. - No, no, no, I like it.

- I've weirdly missed you. - I've just plain missed you.

You have?

- Why didn't you call me? - I should have.

I should have done this. I should have booty-called you.

Oh, God, don't say…

Don't say "booty call."

You're not embarrassed, are you?

You should be embarrassed.

- Why would I be embarrassed? - Where's your goddaughter?

Shite, I left her at the water park.

Mum!

- Mum! - Ahh!

- What are you doing? - Jesus Christ!

Ruari! You frightened the shit out of me.

- What the fuck are you doing? - What are you doing?

It's two in the morning, you're supposed to be at uni.

I heard a scream, so, I… Hello.

Patrick, this is Ruari. I don't think you've met.

Great, nice to meet you.

Please get out of my room! You're both fucking naked.

Well, we're not naked, are we?

Sorry, thank you for checking on me.

Thank you. I'll get my things.

Thank you. Thank you for the visit.

Right.

Great. Okay.

I didn't know you were here, okay?

- And even if I did, it isn't… - Please get out.

- Well, did something happen at uni? - No, it doesn't matter.

- Just get out. - Well, it does matter 'cause…

Mum, you're in your underwear in my room.

It's really weird. Please get out, I want to sleep.

Sorry.

- Don't. - Sorry.