Original subtitles

Popcorn.

Pancake flour.

Didn't do much good winnin' the new house, Ma.

How's that?

Three bathrooms, and i still can't get in.

You got to expect that when you got 15 kids.

Maybe we should have had less kids and more bathrooms.

You can wash up after you finish milkin' the cow.

All right, Ma.

Hi, Bossie.

( Lively ragtime music plays )

( Music stops )

Wrong station.

Man: It's 6:15, and KMAF, the farmer's station,

presents "Music to Milk by."

Science has proved that the relaxed cow gives more milk.

Here's a musical medley to give your cow

that contented feeling.

( Strauss' "The Blue Danube" plays )

Here's a letter for you from the... Bubble-Ola Company.

Oh, must be about my winning that free trip to New York.

Go ahead and open it.

All right, if you're sure you don't mind.

"Dear Mr. Kettle,

confirming our telegram of the 16th,

enclosed herewith are your railroad tickets to New York.

A reservation has been made for you at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Congratulations once again

on winning the big Bubble-Ola letter contest.

Your entry on 'why i like Bubble-Ola'

was a sincere and magnificent tribute to our product.

I'm looking forward to meeting you

and your charming wife personally.

Very truly yours, J.J. Schumacher,

Vice Pres.

P.S. On rereading your flattering letter,

the stockholders voted to send you

an additional prize--

A ten-year supply of Bubble-Ola

for each and every member of your family."

Ten-year supply.

I don't know what we're gonna do with the stuff.

'Tain't fit for drinkin'.

Wonder what it is good for.

Don't rightly know.

Was gonna write and tell 'em how bad it was,

but i found out they don't give prizes for that.

Too bad we can't take that trip.

How's that? Can't go?

Ain't nobody'll stay with the kids.

I tried to tell 'em they ain't really wild,

just growin'.

Now, Ma, ain't no need to apologize for our kids.

All 15 are chips off the old block.

Any more chips, there won't be any more old block.

Sure would have had a whoop-de-doo in New York.

Could've seen Tom and Kim, too.

What's it say, Ma?

Beginning tonight, they're gonna stop ringin' the 9:00 curfew bell.

'Bout time.

I always said it was wakin' up too many people.

Hmm!

They haven't caught that bank robber, Shotgun Munger,

who stole $100,000.

You don't say.

They think he's headin' out this way.

Got all the roads blocked.

Oughta put up a towel rack, Ma.

Ain't nobody stoppin' ya as i know of.

Well... maybe after breakfast.

I'll have to go up to the old house and get some tools.

Sure would like to have seen New York.

Sit down, Pa.

Breakfast!!

( All chattering )

Much obliged.

Ah!

P.S. If you can see your way clear

for Ma and me to take the trip,

much obliged again, yep.

All right. I'll go get the milk.

Pa, why are you puttin' ketchup on your cakes?

It comes out easier.

( Crunching )

( Barking )

Anybody home?

Anybody home?!

Hey!

Shh. Shh!

( Dog barks )

Howdy.

Who are you?

Pa Kettle.

What's your game?

I don't mind checkers now and then

if the stakes ain't too high.

Cut it! What do you want?

Excuse me for disturbing you,

but i own this house and--

Oh.

I was taking a little nap.

I've been driving all night, and i got a flat.

I figured you saw the sign and wanted to rent the place.

Rent this?

Let me show you around.

It's very livable.

Yeah.

If you happen to be a cockroach.

You can see for yourself it's airy,

roomy, mighty comfortable.

Make yourself at home.

You must be hungry, Mister... Mister, uh--

Uh, Jones.

What brings you up our way, Mr. Jones?

Well, you see, I'm a, uh--

I'm a-- I'm a...

A poet.

I came up here to get away from it all.

A poet?

I thought you might be a travelling salesman.

Lot of them visit farms, you know.

Yeah, i heard stories about that.

What kind of poetry you write, Mr. Jones?

Well, the regular kind.

Oh.

Like what?

"Jack and Jill went up a hill."

Say, that's a mighty well-known poem.

You write that?

Well, to be honest with you,

on that poem, i had to cut another guy in.

Oh.

Well, there ain't nothing to eat here.

Come down to the new place

and Ma'll fix something for ya.

No, no time. I'm headin' up north,

someplace where i can hide out.

And write.

I need peace and quiet.

Plenty of peace and quiet around here.

Where you from?

New York.

I won a free trip to New York, but i can't go.

You see, i--

i got a tire that needs changin'.

Lemme give you a hand.

I got a son in New York, Tom Kettle.

Maybe you heard of him?

There's eight million people in New York, Pop.

It's Pa.

Sure would like to go to New York.

Go ahead. I ain't stoppin' ya.

Can't. Got nobody to watch the kids.

That's too bad.

What's the name of this town, Pop?

It's Pa.

This here's Cape Flattery.

How far are you from a city?

Seattle? That's 100 miles away.

Not bad.

I was thinkin' of writin' a poem about a small town.

This may be the place.

Tell me about the-- the birds...

the trees, the grass,

the police department.

Got much of a police department?

Just a sheriff.

'Course, he only works part-time.

I think i know how you can go to New York, Pop.

It's Pa.

I'll stay at your house, write me poetry,

and watch the kids.

And you can go to New York with Mom.

It's Ma.

Oh, well, the kids'll bother you.

No! I love kids.

As far as i'm concerned, this is a perfect setup...

Pa.

Thanks, son.

I don't like it.

How can we leave our kids in the hands of a stranger?

Come to think of it, how can we leave a stranger in the hands of our kids?

It's him or nobody, Ma.

We don't know a thing about this Mr. Jones.

Well, i'm a pretty good judge of character.

And that boy has an honest face if ever i saw one.

Take another look.

All he needs is a shave.

Take a lawn mower to shave him.

What's his business?

He's a poet.

A poet!

An honest to goodness poet stayin' at my house!

Why didn't you say so?

I'm Ma, Mr. Jones!

A pleasure, madam.

You're even prettier than your picture.

That's Kim, my daughter-in-law.

Why, you could fool me anytime!

Uh, Pa says you're a poet.

Why, i, uh-- well, i dabble at it.

I don't know much about poetry,

but i used to recite a little poem for the kids.

I don't know whether i remember it or not.

Well, go on, go on, try.

"Tom, Tom, the piper's son stole a pig"--

Oh, a heist job.

Let's see, "Tom, Tom, the piper's son,

stole a pig, and away he run."

Took it on the lam, huh?

No, it was Mary had the lamb. This was a pig.

"The pig was eat, and Tom was beat.

And Tom went"--

Now, where did he go?

Up the river?

No, it wasn't up any river.

Maybe he went to the rock.

No, it wasn't any rock. Oh, i know.

Uh, "The pig was eat, and Tom was beat,

and Tom went marching down the street."

( Chuckles ) Oh, gee, i like that.

I'm glad you do.

It's got a moral-- "Crime don't pay."

Now, get this, Louie.

They're leaving for New York tomorrow.

I'm givin' them the bag with the 100 Gs in it.

Don't worry, they're square.

( Doorbell rings ) Hold on, Louie.

I have your monthly quota of your ten years' supply of Bubble-Ola.

Bring it in. Where'll i put it?

Right here. Anywhere's all right.

Look, Louie, they check into the Waldorf on Saturday.

With their kissers,

nobody'll suspect they're carrying the stuff.

Shotgun, ain't this a little risky?

They may be smarter than they look.

They'd have to be.

I'm sending you a snapshot so you'll recognize them.

We gotta take this chance, Louie.

New York is the only place we can shove the hot money.

Suppose Kettle opens the bag. Then what?

He won't.

I'm a pretty good judge of character,

and this old boy has an honest face if i've ever seen one.

Now call me the minute you get the bag.

(Thump) Ow!

What happened?

What a collection of brats.

These people are raising their own private reform school.

(Thump) Now, Louie...

Howdy!

Run along and play, little one.

I'd sooner drink D.D.T.

And so, goodbye, dear brother Louie.

And don't forget to take me poetry books

back to the library.

Huh?

Well, they're overdue, and it ain't nice

to keep things that don't belong to us.

Hey, Shotgun, you all right?

( Vacuum whirs )

Benjamin's underweight. No, George is underweight.

No, it's Sara.

Which one of you kids is underweight?

Me, Ma! Oh, Billy, of course.

Now be sure he gets plenty to eat.

And keep Rosie and Ted from fightin'.

And make sure the kids have a big breakfast

before they go off to school.

Oh, Pa, i don't think we oughta go.

It's gonna be too much for Mr. Jones

to take care of the kids. You gotta go.

It's the first vacation you've ever had.

Don't worry, Ma, leave everything to me.

I won't take me eyes off 'em for a minute.

Ow!

Ah, Willie. He's a rascal.

You gotta watch him.

I sure will.

Come on, folks. Time to get aboard.

Come on, Pa.

Pa! Hey, Pa!

Howdy, Geoduck.

Howdy, Crowbar.

Mmm.

Goodbye gift.

It's a dandy.

Look inside.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

What's it for?

Pa take to New York.

Buy back Manhattan Island for us.

I see.

All aboard!

Uh, Ma, Pa,

I promised to send this empty bag to me brother.

Do you mind?

Be glad to oblige. Where'll we find him?

Oh, he'll pick it up at the hotel.

( Steam whistle blows )

All aboard!

Bye! Bye!

All aboard!

Come on, Pa! You kids bring the bags.

( Air horn blows )

Don't hold much with trains underground.

Feel like a gopher when you come out.

How 'bout a redcap, mister?

No, thanks. I'm a derby man myself.

Had this one 15 years.

Ma and Pa!

Oh, there's Kim! ( Laughs)

Ma and Pa, how are you?

Hello, honey, how are ya? You both look wonderful!

Where's Tom? He's in a meeting.

He's trying to raise money for his incubator.

He'll meet us back at the hotel.

Nice-lookin' city.

( Laughs) Pa, this is the station.

Wait till you get outside.

Here, let me help you with your bags.

All right.

Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Hello, Mr. Masterson. Glad to see you back.

Roberts, i'm staying at the club tonight.

You can take the luggage.

Yes, sir. I'll tell Mrs. Masterson.

( All shouting )

Come on, Kim. Come on, Pa.

You can see better up here, Ma.

Howdy.

Never mind, Pa.

The bellhops'll take care of that.

I could've sworn i brought it.

I'll look in the lobby, sir. Was it tagged?

It had Pa's name on it in care of the Waldorf-Astoria.

If it's not downstairs,

I'll check with Grand Central Station.

That's mighty nice of you.

Oh, boy?

Thank you.

What'd you do that for? You owe the boy money?

Well, that's a tip.

In New York, when people do things for you,

you give them money.

Don't seem right.

Ma's always doing things for me,

and i ain't had to give her a cent.

( Buzzer buzzes )

Don't stand there, Pa. Go ahead and answer the door.

I'm a friend of Louie's.

He sent me for the bag his brother give ya.

I don't have it. What?

Well, i, uh-- they-- i, uh-- they--

What'd you say, Ma?

Our things haven't come from the station yet.

Yeah?

Well, i'll...

keep in touch with you.

I didn't have the heart to tell the boy we lost it.

Don't feel good about losin' somebody else's property.

Was there anything valuable in it?

He said it was empty, but if it don't show up,

we'll have to buy him another one.

Ma, that idea is a lulu!

Shouldn't be too hard to match.

Town as big as this must have a general store.

Looks just like the postcard Tom sent us.

Hello, Louie? Little Joe.

Kettle got here all right, but the black bag didn't.

What? Just like i said.

I think they're pulling something.

They tell me the bag ain't come from the station,

but their room is full of luggage.

I warned Munger about this.

Kettle's trying to cut himself in.

He's got to have that bag someplace.

Joe, don't let him out of your sight.

He's got the bag somewhere, and we're gonna get it!

Hello. How do you do?

Don't tell me. You're Ma and Pa Kettle.

Guess who i am.

J.J. Schumacher, vice president of the Bubble-Ola Company.

How do you like New York? Great city.

No place on earth like it.

How'd you like your trip? I knew you'd like it.

(Chuckles) How do you like these accommodations?

You can say that again.

There isn't a finer suite in the Waldorf-Astoria.

And is this all Bubble-Ola's gonna do for you?

No siree.

Have we got a program planned for you, and how!

You're going to the Rendezvous Room of the Plaza for dinner

and back here to the Starlight Room for dancing.

You'll shop in the best stores on Fifth Avenue--

( Buzzer buzzes ) Excuse me.

Come in, come in. Put it right down there.

And pour it. Thank you, sir.

You'll see the best shows on Broadway,

the ball game, Coney Island.

Are you gonna have fun? You bet you are.

Now, here's your schedule, and here are your tickets.

How much is this gonna cost you?

Nothing. It's all on Bubble-Ola.

Know what this is?

Bubble-Ola.

Took the liberty of ordering a toast.

There you are.

To the Kettles!

Long may they wave!

Ahh, you have no idea what this does for your stomach.

What time is it?

Oh, gotta run! Busy man.

I'll see you later in the week!

Want to hear some more about your trip!

( Door closes )

Hey, do the Kettles live here?

Oh, Tom! Howdy, son.

Hiya, Pa.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Ma! Sweetheart.

Well, here, let me look at you.

By golly, you haven't changed a bit.

Really? You think so? Well, i'd know you anywhere.

(Laughs) Oh, Tom!

Hello, Pa.

It sure is good to see you two.

Sure do things funny here.

Back home, you couldn't keep

a young married couple from kissin'!

Well.

( Scoffs )

I guess i have incubators on my mind.

Got a problem?

About $10,000 worth.

I can't go into production until i get it.

If you weren't so stubborn, you could--

Look, Ma, all he has to do is--

All i have to do

is find the bank that will lend me the money.

Now, come on, sit down, Ma.

I got a million questions to ask you.

Numbers one to fourteen-- how are the kids?

Oh, they're just fine.

Oh, i hope they're not gettin' in that nice Mr. Jones's hair.

Mr. Jones, did Benjamin throw his oatmeal at you?

No.

I got a poor memory. I forgot where my mouth was.

Benjamin, why did you throw your oatmeal at Mr. Jones?

I don't want any more.

I don't blame him.

Since Ma left, all we get to eat is oatmeal.

Yeah. I've eaten so much of this stuff,

every time i sit down, i squish.

Mr. Jones, maybe we'd better get one of Ma's friends to come in and help.

No! No, no, no! I coul--

I couldn't write me poetry with too many people around.

I don't need any help. Benji's a good boy.

This time we're gonna eat our cereal.

Ain't we, Benji?

Nope! I wanna play leapfrog.

Not now!

Come on, Benjamin.

It'll put muscles on ya.

Open your mouth.

It'll grow hair on your chest.

Open your mouth, Benjamin.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth!

( Shouts )

A towel! Somebody get me a towel!

( Laughter )

Hurry! A napkin!

Ow!

( Laughter )

Stop it!

( Doorbell rings )

Don't nobody move.

I'll be right back.

( Doorbell rings )

Take it easy. I'm comin'.

Here's the rest of your monthly allotment of Bubble-Ola.

More?

Yeah, every month for the next ten years.

Say, that's a sweet setup you got here.

What was that? Look at all those buttons--

Radio, television, windows, housecleaning.

Everything's automatic.

Yeah?

Yeah.

( All chattering )

I told you to stay in there.

We want to play leapfrog! No, you're too wild.

Can we play the radio?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, anything to keep you quiet.

( Children shouting )

( Fanfare plays )

Man: Good morning. And now for the 9:00 news.

State police are still baffled by the disappearance

of notorious bank robber Shotgun Munger,

who is believed to be hiding out

in either Oregon or Washington.

Munger is 5'10" tall, has brown hair--

( Children shouting )

( Chuckles) You don't want radio,

not when you got television.

Man: The next criminal on KTJT's

"Cash For Clues" program is Shotgun Munger.

Hey, we want the television!

Aw, come on, let's play leapfrog.

Okay, now it's your turn.

( Orchestral music plays )

Shotgun--

Shotgun-- ( Gunfire )

( Stuttering announcements, music blaring, explosions )

Man: See the sign! It's only a buck for the trip!

Step right in, folks! Just got room for two more!

See New York for a buck.

My feet are Killin' me.

Everywhere you look, there's more tall buildings.

Look at that one over there.

See New York! Hurry, hurry!

See the Bowery! See Chinatown!

And also other places of interest.

Step right up, folks. Only two seats left.

See New York for a buck.

It'd save a heap of walkin', Ma.

It'd save my feet.

Sure, why walk when you can see New York

from a comfortable seat?

Attaboy, Pop, up the stairs. Okay!

Hey, i gotta get on that bus! Sorry, Mac, all full up.

But i gotta see New York!

It's all right, it'll still be here.

Follow that bus.

It's a sightseeing bus.

Follow it! Okay! It's your dough.

Man: Folks,

we're now on New York's famous Fifth Avenue.

On your left, you are passing the New York Public Library,

the world's largest.

Oh, look at the lions, Junior.

We'd like to see the library, too.

You're now coming to the famous St. Patrick's Cathedral.

There it is on your right.

Pardon. Like to see the cathedral.

C'mon, Pa. Let's get outta here.

But, lady, i thought you wanted to see New York.

We do! That's why we're gettin' off.

This looks like Mr. Jones's bag.

Well, i don't reckon you could tell the difference.

Can i help you? No.

How much do you want for this bag?

$8, it's on special.

Better keep your eye on this one.

You bet.

$8 is a lot of money to put in a bag.

$10. Thank you.

$2 back, please. Yes, sir.

Pa: See the New York “pan-or-a-ma.”

What's a pan-or-a-ma, Ma?

Everybody knows what a pam-or-oma is.

Well, what is it?

It's a place over on, uh--

Something where they have, uh, kind of a--

Oh, why don't you go and see for yourself?!

I will.

Now in direct line from us is the Empire State Building,

the world's tallest building.

And to our right, along the Jersey coast

on Bedloe's Island is the Statue of Liberty.

Pa! Pa! Come here quick! Come here quick!

Look! Look!

The river beyond to the right...

Look! Look!

Look how small the people look down there.

Look at those little cars! Look at the buses!

Well, if you want me to look at all the things down there,

why'd you bring me up here?

Guide: 1,050 feet high.

I wonder how long this would take to get down there.

Oh, Pa! You shouldn't have.

The first bridge crossing the East River

is the Williamsburg Bridge.

Next, Manhattan Bridge, and third,

the oldest and more famous...

Stop! Stop!

Ma, he took the bag. He took it.

Guess we'll just have--

Hmm.

Took longer than i expected.

Well, this is a waste of time, watching Louie's place.

Munger isn't gonna show.

No, but the dough might.

Nah.

Well, they gotta get-- hey!

Little Joe. Yeah.

Must be a payoff.

He's carrying a black bag.

The money they took from the bank was in a black bag.

That's it. Let's go.

I got it, Louie. I got it.

Good work.

You're right, Louie. Kettle is up to something.

He gets on the sightseeing bus without the bag.

A few minutes later, I pick him up with it.

They must be working with someone.

Baby, i love ya. 100 grand!

Okay, Louie, drop the bag.

What do you want, copper?

Just the little black bag with $100,000 from the bank job.

Open it, Mike. Yeah.

Hey, Sam, it's empty.

Sure, it's just like i said.

Empty? It can't be.

Look for yourself.

Well, uh... fellas...

uh, excuse us, accidents can, uh...

Well, so long. (Laughs)

Hey, what a break!

Yeah, boy, are we lucky there wasn't any money in that bag.

And how, if there was money in that bag--

No money!

That Kettle!

This is his way of tellin' us he wants a cut.

Nobody does this to us.

That's our dough, and we don't have to make a deal.

Little Joe, keep after Kettle.

From now on, we meet at Tony's place.

This joint is too hot.

Why would anyone want to steal a bag,

especially an empty bag?

Pa, you're gonna have to watch yourself.

Trouble ain't with watchin' myself.

It's with watching those black bags.

(Chuckles) All right, now,

you and Ma hurry or we're never gonna get a table.

Why didn't you make a reservation?

I did, but they're not gonna hold it forever.

But, Tom, why couldn't you have been here

a little bit earlier?

Why, why, why?!

When you're trying to convince bankers to give you a loan,

you don't say, "Think fast, gentlemen.

I have to take my parents to a nightclub."

Tom, we're gonna have to get another bag for Mr. Jones's brother.

Why can't you do that in the morning?

He might come here tonight. We don't want to disappoint him.

I'll get it now. What kind of a bag was it?

Well, it was, um, uh-- Kim remembers.

She'll go with ya.

Come on.

Now, listen, we'll meet you downstairs in 10 minutes.

Hurry up. All right, son.

Oh, here it is.

Oh, that's the bag!

Got to put it in the room where it'll be safe.

Well, i'll just have to keep the cab waiting.

Uh, pardon me, buddy. You got a match?

Got one here somewhere.

Mind holding this?

I'm sure i got one here somewhere.

Hey, you got my bag.

You know it? You got my bag.

Stop that man!

Stop this thing!

Oh, Pa, what happened to you?

He didn't wait for the match.

He took the bag instead.

That makes three bags.

You know, there's something rotten in Denmark.

It ain't so good in New York either.

Why can't you get a table? For the simple--

For the simple reason you were so slow,

they cancelled the reservation.

I was slow? I like that.

Mr. Gigi, isn't there some way you could get us a table?

I'm sorry, monsieur. There's nothing i can do.

There will be at least one-hour wait.

Thank you.

It'll be at least an hour before we can get a table.

We could go to the Starlight Roof.

Well, it'll be just as crowded there.

Do all nightclubs have hat stores?

Huh?

Pa... (Chuckles) that's a checkroom.

You give your hat to the girl, and she'll watch it for you.

She's gonna watch my hat?

Do New Yorkers have a hankerin' for hats, too?

(Chuckles) Give me the hat.

Pardon me. Kim!

George, what a pleasant surprise!

How's the prettiest girl in town?

My mother and father-in-law,

Mr. and Mrs. Kettle, George Donahue.

Pleased to meet you. Mr. Kettle.

Howdy.

You know Tom, of course.

Hi, Tom.

Say, those plans Kim showed me on the incubator are great!

I thought you were gonna bring it down for me to see.

Well, i've, uh--

I've been tied up with the banks.

Well, don't let the bankers cheat you.

Come to us.

Besides, i've already got money tied up in it.

Two martinis, $3.

Don't forget the tip.

That's right. That's $7.

Don't tell me you're leaving so early.

Well, we're waiting for a table.

You still have that old influence with headwaiters?

There will be one hour's wait.

Well, there's nothing like finding out.

I'll speak to Mr. Gigi.

Good evening, Monsieur Donahue.

Mr. Gigi, how 'bout a table?

For you and the young lady?

No. Tonight we have three chaperones.

If you're not waiting for anyone,

why don't you join us?

That's all i was waiting for.

This way, please. I just had a cancellation.

Come on, Ma.

Pa, they're waiting for us.

Oh.

Maybe we didn't do the right thing

in following Louie.

Could be a decoy.

What do you mean?

While we're watching him, the other mugs are busy operating.

Might be.

You watch. I'm gonna take 40 winks.

That's what you think. Look.

Hmm?

Little Joe with a black bag.

Come on.

I'm bringing home the bacon, boys!

Good boy, Little Joe!

That's the bag, all right.

I spotted Kettle's payoff man handing it to him.

Kettle must be working with another mob, the crook.

Baby, i love ya. 100 grand.

I'll finish that for you, Louie.

You'll get at least 20 years for this.

Hey, Sam, this one's empty too.

Well, uh...

just a routine checkup, fellas.

( Laughs ) We'll see you around, huh?

( Both laugh)

Welll (Mocking laugh)

"Just a routine checkup. See you around."

Kettle ain't gonna make a sucker out of us.

I'll see him myself, and i'll get that bag!

Thank you.

Here's your hat, Tom.

Did you give the girl a quarter?

All she give me was our own hats.

Well, i think i better say good night.

It's been a pleasure.

Kim, it's always good to see you.

Well, thank you for a wonderful evening, George.

Donahue, what was our share of the check?

Oh, forget it, if that incubator is all Kim claims it is,

we'll make a fortune on it.

Why don't you bring it down to the office?

Why don't you cut it out?

You're interested in Kim, not the incubator!

Tom!

I'm sorry, George.

You don't need to apologize for me.

You're a little mixed up, Tom.

Good night, everyone.

Good night.

Ma, i'm sorry this had to happen in front of you.

Oh, no use to apologize, honey.

It takes a little while for young'uns to understand each other.

But Tom hasn't any reason to be jealous.

He didn't take his eyes off you for a minute.

He's still in love with you.

So what? I'm in love with you, you-- you big...

Duckaloof?

Yes! Duckaloof!

Maybe i am a duckaloof, but...

I just needed to hear you say you love me.

There's just one good thing about married people having a quarrel,

and that is when they make up,

they find out they love each other just that much more!

Come on, folks. Let's get going.

It's gettin' late.

We better get back to the hotel.

Yep, got to get up early and buy another bag.

I've got to check on those bags.

I think it's more than just coincidence.

Look, Pa! A horse and buggy!

Just like back home.

We could take it to the hotel.

Go ahead. We'll walk.

Can we give you a lift?

It's just a few blocks, and the walk'll do us good.

Good night. Thanks for everything.

Call you in the morning. All right, Tom.

Waldorf-Astoria. Sorry, sir.

I just go round the park and come back here.

That don't make much sense.

Well, you see, most of me customers are young couples,

and they like to ride through the park at night.

It's dark, but there's the moon and the stars.

( Chuckles ) Well, you remember.

Ma?

How old do you feel?

Pa, right now i don't feel a day over 18.

( Laughs )

Giddy-up, Charles. Once around the park.

Never ate out of anything so fancy in all my life.

Mighty handy-- when you've finished eating,

you can see how much is left on your face.

( Telephone ringing )

Answer the phone.

Howdy.

Hello, Kettle? This is Louie.

Okay. Mr. Jones's brother.

Kettle, let's not beat around the bush.

I want the bag, the right bag.

Glad to oblige. Want to pick it up here?

Oh, no, you don't.

I'll meet you somewhere in the open.

Like, uh...

The zoo.

How about the Central Park Zoo?

I'll meet ya in front of the monkeys' cage at 12:00.

How will i recognize you?

I'll recognize you. Just have the black bag.

Oh, how-- how'll i get there?

Take a cab. And, Kettle?

Be there if you wanna stay healthy.

Nice fella, Mr. Jones's brother.

Worried about my health.

We gotta meet him at the zoo.

Well, you'll have to go by yourself, Pa,

because this is the morning Mr. Schumacher is sending me

to the Lucien et Louise de Paris Beauty "Saloon."

Uh-huh. Well, all right, Ma.

I'll meet you back here.

( Sighs ) Gotta stop and buy a bag.

Well, gentlemen, what do you think she needs?

I think her eyebrows should go up.

No, no, no, down.

Down. Up.

I think-- Both: Madam, please!

( Clears throat )

I, um-- i think we should give her rosebud lips.

Bring them out. Mmm.

I think they should be brought in. Mmm.

Out! In!

Out! I think--

Both: Madam, please!

I just want to say--

Madam, look how long you've had your face.

You've done nothing with it.

They should be out! In!

Out! In!

Out!

Well, why don't you make up your mind?!

Please, madam. A lady never has to shout.

You can get most anything you want from a man

by just using your feminine charms.

That's one of the things you will learn here.

There is no time to waste. Let's get started.

She'll need a new face, new wardrobe,

manners, speech lessons.

Ladies and gentlemen?

Madam Kettle will need the full treatment.

Come, come, come now. This way, madam.

Ow!

Ow!

How's it going, Harvey?

Terrible.

Lost two more monks yesterday.

Poisoned peanuts again? Yeah.

Hey, what kind of guy goes around poisoning harmless animals?

A fiend,

and if i get my hands on him,

I'll beat his brains in.

I'd better not catch him.

Howdy.

Have a peanut?

Hey, don't feed the animals.

Well, why not? I've been doin' it all my life.

Try it again, wise guy, and i'll run ya in!

Kettle?

Mr. Louie? Yeah.

You alone?

Oh, sure. I can handle this myself.

Okay, you're callin' the signals.

Now what's the deal on the bag?

Your brother said to give it to you.

Say, you know, you don't look much like your brother.

Don't stall me.

Okay, Kettle. Gimme the bag.

With pleasure, Mr. Louie.

And i also want to give you this.

Oh, no, you don't! You'll want the key.

Hey, wait a minute.

Nervous fella.

Not friendly like his brother.

Why, that dirty, double-crossin' rat!

What'd i tell you about feeding the animals?

But i didn't.

Peanuts!

Poisoned peanuts!

You! You murderer, you! You fiend!

What's the matter, Officer?

This man is a killer. No--

I know a killer when i see one.

Man: Come on. Confess.

You poisoned the animals. Admit it.

Why'd you do it?

Come on, sign this confession.

Like to oblige you,

but i'd be puttin' my name to a lie.

Look, Pop--

It's Pa.

Sign that, and we'll turn off the light.

I wish you wouldn't. Feels good.

If you'd move it over here,

it would take the dampness out of my bones.

Look, Kettle, we let you call your wife at the beauty parlor,

but if you don't talk, you won't see her.

Talk! Talk!

Talk! Talk!

All right. What'll we talk about?

He's a tough nut to crack.

Grilling a monkey poisoner.

Nice assignment.

If we don't break him down,

that lieutenant is gonna have us

back in uniform pounding the pavement.

All: Talk!

You think Munger and Jones are the same?

With what you told me about the black bags

and what we already know, I'd say yes.

But we've got to have positive identification.

Where can i get a hold of your father?

Well, he's at the Waldorf.

Get me the Waldorf. If he isn't there?

He's probably out seeing the sights.

Confess you poisoned the monkeys

and we'll give you a cigarette.

Thanks, but i don't smoke cigarettes.

Look, you're only human.

How much more of this do you think you can take?

Admit you fed the monkeys.

Sure.

But they gotta eat, too, you know.

Funny town.

Get arrested for feeding animals,

but people take my black bags, and no one does nothin'.

New Yorkers are the finest people ever i see,

but they got a little weakness for black bags.

Now look, Kettle--

Black bags?

Black bags!

I'll be right back.

Is there a chance of the bag with the money in it

being returned to Pa?

It's very unlikely, but without it,

there's no evidence to convict the Munger mob.

Hey, Lieutenant, that animal poisoner?

Don't bother me with animal poisoners!

Yeah, but he said he had black bags stolen from him.

Black bags stolen?

Is he a thin little man who wears a derby with badges on it?

That's him. That's Pa.

Where have you got him? Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

Stay here. And don't worry about your father.

I got a plan. Come on, Eskow.

Hi, Lieutenant. Hello, Hawkshaw.

Gimme the keys to the Rogues Gallery file, please.

Thank you.

Posh woman: I'd like to see Mr. Kettle.

( Appreciative whistle )

I said, i'd like to see Mr. Kettle.

Oh, y-you can't see him now.

But he called me.

Oh, you can't see him.

Why? What're they doin' to him?

Oh, I-- I'm sorry.

I can't give out that information.

It's against the rules.

Look, you--

I was hoping you could help me.

You know, my weakness is men in uniform.

You're kind of... cute.

What's your name, big boy?

Well, uh, everybody thinks it's Hank,

but it's really Horace.

Horace!

My favorite name.

(Chuckles)

I'd appreciate it personally

if you told me what they're doin' to Mr. Kettle.

Well, it's against the rules, but they're grilling him.

Grillin' him!

Uh, grilling him?

Yeah, questioning him.

Where, Horace? Which room?

Oh, i-- i couldn't tell you that.

This means a lot to me, Horace.

And it could mean a lot to you, too.

It's the door marked "private."

Thanks.

Thank you, Horace.

All: Talk!

I come after ya, Pa. What's goin' on in here?

Oh, you sure look pretty, Ma.

( Sniffs ) And smell pretty, too!

Mmm, never mind the sweet talk!

What've they been doin' to ya?

Nothin'. It's been right sociable.

I'm takin' you outta here, Pa.

Just a minute, lady!

What about his habeas corpus?

I'm takin' that, too!

Mrs. Kettle? Yes, that's me.

Well, i'm sorry, there's been a misunderstanding.

We merely wanted to speak to Mr. Kettle about the black bags,

and somehow this happened.

Well, how'd you know about the black bags?

Your son, he phoned us.

I have pictures here of the men

we think might have stolen your bags.

Do you recognize this guy?

Pa: Yeah, the absent-minded fellow.

Wouldn't wait for the match. Took the bag instead.

How about this guy?

Oh, that's Mr. Jones, the poet.

He's the one who gave us the bag.

Of course! How did this get in here?

He's a great poet. I'm one of his greatest fans.

We'll get to work right away.

You're free to go now.

Thanks. How do we get back to the hotel?

Take the subway at the corner and get off in four stops.

C'mon, Eskow.

Nice fella.

Come on, Ma. Where we goin', Pa?

For another ride through the park.

( Laughs ) Oh, Pa!

The chauffeur brought this with your luggage, sir.

But i don't think it's ours.

That's funny.

Must've picked it up at the station.

It belongs to Mr. Kettle at the Waldorf-Astoria, sir.

Kettle? Kettle. Kettle.

Not C.P. Kettle!

Who's C.P. Kettle?

C.P. Kettle, you've heard of him.

The underwear king.

One of the richest men in the country.

I've been trying to do business with him for ten years,

but he never comes to New York.

What would he be doing with a cheap bag like that?

He has a reputation for being stingy and eccentric, too.

I wonder what's inside.

Oh, Harold, you shouldn't!

Money. Money!

There's nothing but money!

Operator, get me the Waldorf-Astoria.

This'll put me in solid with the old gentleman.

( Telephone rings )

Answer the phone, Pa.

Howdy.

Mr. Kettle, i don't know if you remember me.

Harold Masterson, investment broker.

I've written you several letters.

Never got 'em.

Well, are you the Kettle in underwear?

Yeah, but how did you know?

Why, everybody knows!

Wait a minute.

Go ahead. I'm back.

Mr. Kettle, get ready for a big surprise.

I have your black bag.

It got mixed up with my luggage at the station.

So that's what happened!

Look, Mr. Kettle, we're having a little party tonight.

Why don't you come out and pick up the bag.

You can kill two birds with one stone.

Well, what do they do to you if ya kill 'em?

I got arrested for feeding them.

( Laughs ) What a sense of humor!

I won't take no for an answer. My car'll pick you up at 8:00.

If there's anybody you want to bring, don't hesitate.

Well, that's right neighborly of you.

Glad to oblige. Goodbye.

Oh, Ma?

Man found Mr. Jones's bag.

We better try and find his brother Louie

and tell him what happened.

Might as well give him the right bag,

long as we found it.

Goodbye.

If and when this bag shows up,

we've gotta be prepared to swing into action.

That's why this plan.

Well, i still don't like it, Lieutenant.

You're making clay pigeons out of my folks.

What else?

If we told them about the $100,000,

they'd get nervous and unconsciously tip off Louie.

It's the only way, Tom.

As soon as Pa gets the real bag, that mob'll move in.

That's what we need, to nail 'em with the evidence.

Who's gonna protect my folks?

We will and you will.

Me? Yes, you can be around without arousing their suspicion.

Well, what about the kids? They're living with a killer.

Don't worry, i'll notify the Washington state police,

and the kids'll be safe.

Is it a deal, Tom?

Okay.

But i hope it's the right thing.

( All chattering )

Hey, i got the white ring! Now it's my turn!

( All shouting )

Stop! No! No!

Please, kids, not again!

Help!!

Help! Let me down!

He's got one of the kids.

You three men come with me.

The rest of you go through the front.

We're going around the back. Come on.

Help!

( Laughter )

Help! Help! Let me down!

Okay, kids. We'll take over.

Let him down. Nice goin', Benjamin.

But how'd you know that was Shotgun Munger?

Shotgun Munger? The bank robber?

We didn't know. We were just playing cobs and robbers.

Cops and robbers?

Oh, boy, am i glad to see you. Get me outta here.

All right, boys, get him a nice comfortable cell.

Thanks, just so long as i'm safe.

Murphy, stay here and protect the kids.

Rodney, stay here and protect Murphy.

Follow that car.

Follow that cab.

Follow that cab.

( Indistinct conversations )

So the salesman said to the farmer,

"If you find me in the barn, i deserve to get shot."

( Laughter )

Roberts has just pulled into the driveway.

Good, we'll meet the Kettles at the door.

Excuse us, won't you? Of course.

Victoria, go out of your way to be nice to Kettle.

I could make a million out of this.

( Buzzer buzzes )

Mr. Masterson, howdy.

Uh, Mr. Masterson is inside, sir.

Who shall i say is calling?

Uh, Kettles calling.

Won't you come in? Why, sure!

Nice place you got here.

Your hat, sir?

'Course it's my hat.

Haven't the Kettles come yet?

These... are the Kettles, sir.

Mr. Kettle, i am Masterson, and this is Mrs. Masterson.

Howdy.

This here is Ma.

And these are my two kids.

Tom and, uh...

Kim! Kim.

Hope you don't mind my bringin' 'em here.

You're more than welcome.

Any friend of yours is a friend of, uh--

Charles, take Mr. Kettle's hat.

Oh, no, you don't!

I ain't gonna pay no quarter to get it back.

( Laughs ) That's so funny! Isn't it, dear?

Yes. ( Forced chuckle )

It-- it's all right, Pa. Let him take it.

Victoria, darling,

why don't you take the Kettles out into the garden?

I'd love to. I'll join you in a moment.

There's something i must attend to in the library.

It's right out here. Come on, come on.

( Buzzer buzzes )

I'm a friend of the Kettles.

Your hat-- in the garden, sir.

Thanks, bud.

( Buzzer buzzes )

Friend of the Kettles.

Uh, in the garden, sir.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Masterson.

We didn't realize your party was going to be formal.

Harold should've told you.

But you all look lovely.

That's a pretty dress you got on.

Too bad the top wasn't finished in time for the party.

( Laughs )

Uh, won't you two dance?

Yes, thank you.

Excuse me. I'll see what's keeping Harold.

You'd think she'd be afraid of catchin' cold.

Caviar?

What they won't think of next. Buckshot on toast.

Mmm. Tastes good, Pa.

We'll have to try cookin' some.

( ♪ Music stops ♪ )

Kim! Why, George!

What are you doing here?

Hello, Tom. George.

I'd, uh-- I'd like to apologize

for being so stupid the other night.

Oh, forget it. I have.

I didn't know you knew the Mastersons.

Well, we didn't until tonight.

Masterson's my partner.

He's the one who was interested in backing your incubator.

Oh, really?

George, listen, i've got something to tell you.

Where can we talk?

Why, certainly. Let's go right over here.

Kettle said the bag would be here.

The place is crawlin' with cops.

So what if it's flooded with cops?

What can they arrest us for? Crashing a party?

Maybe it's a trap.

All right, it's risky, but we gotta get to that bag

before they do or it's goodbye to a 100 Gs.

Havin' to steal the same dough twice.

It's a crime.

What are we going to do?

Sell Kettle a million dollars' worth of bonds, that's all.

You're going to sell Kettle a million dollars' worth of bonds?

He doesn't spend $20 on a suit.

I told you he was eccentric.

Eccentric?

They're fantastic!

And did you see those friends that followed him in?

Maybe they're... bodyguards.

Make sure they're enjoying themselves.

I'll get his bag out of the safe.

We better tell H.M. so he'll know what to expect.

Tom!

Oh, Lieutenant, i saw your men.

I was hoping you'd be here.

I tried to get you at headquarters.

We were out trailing the Munger gang. What's up?

Masterson claims he has the original bag.

If the dough's in it, we can pinch the whole bunch.

Where's Masterson? I left him in the library.

Oh, Lieutenant Klein, George Donahue.

How do you do? This way.

Don't you like to dance?

Sure do!

We only do square dancin'.

Square dancing?

It might be fun.

Come on, let's see about it.

Mr. Saul, can you play a square dance?

We can play it, all right.

But we need someone to call.

I can do that!

How wonderful!

Mr. Saul, would you stop the music, please?

Thank you.

Listen, everyone!

We're going to do a square dance,

and Mr. Kettle has kindly consented to call.

Howdy, folks. Grab your partner.

Set your squares.

Help 'em, Ma.

All right, Pa. I will.

( All chattering )

Excuse me, folks! Make a square here now!

Make a square here. Make a square.

All right, Pal Start the music!

Let's have a little quiet, folks.

This is going to be ladies' choice.

I'll call my version of a square dance twister.

Music! (♪ Lively music plays ♪)

♪ Now everybody stomp and swing ♪

♪ Swing 'em half the time ♪

♪ Side couples split and step right back ♪

♪ Stand there four in line ♪

♪ Now everybody forward and back ♪

♪ And i'll tell you the reason why ♪

♪ You pass right through, say how are you ♪

♪ And look 'em straight in the eye ♪

♪ Weave back and forth across the set ♪

♪ Folks, you're doin' swell ♪

♪ You reach the end and turn right back ♪

♪ Clap hands and give a yell ♪

♪ If you get lost, don't get upset ♪

♪ While the others promenade ♪

♪ Just swing your honey till the rest get back ♪

♪ And don't you be afraid ♪

♪ And stop right there and grab your pard ♪

♪ And swing 'em high and low ♪

♪ Swing Lulu Bell and Happy Jack ♪

♪ And swing your Uncle Joe ♪

There's the bag. I'll warn Pa.

♪ Treat 'em all alike, treat 'em all the same ♪

♪ Treat 'em all alike, no cheatin' in the game ♪

Pa, Pa, listen!

That black bag of yours has $100,000 in it.

Mr. Jones and his brother are bank robbers.

Bank robbers? Yeah. Look!

Look, he's getting away.

I'll fix 'im.

♪ Ma, cage that bird with seven hands round ♪

♪ Close in and make it tight ♪

♪ Now someone else is in the deal ♪

♪ But wait, i'll make it right ♪

♪ Now rip and snort, go through the rings ♪

♪ Gee, there it goes again ♪

♪ Ma, head 'em off and tackle low ♪

♪ And kick him on the shin ♪

♪ Get in there, Ma, and swing Grandpa ♪

♪ With one, two, three, you know ♪

♪ Give an uppercut and grab that bag ♪

♪ Then duck and away you go ♪

♪ Promenade Indian style ♪

♪ Watch the guy coming down the aisle ♪

♪ A dirty trick, a rotten shame ♪

♪ Don't worry, Ma, you're not to blame ♪

♪ Signals nine and 44 ♪

♪ That's all there is, there ain't no more ♪♪

Here's your bag, Lieutenant.

You did a fine job, Mr. Kettle.

I couldn't have done it without Ma's help.

Ah, now, Pal

Ah, home, sweet home.

Have a good time in New York, Ma?

Oh, we sure did! It's a nice place to visit.

But there's no place like Cape Flattery.

Here you are, Ed. Keep the change.

What? I learned that in New York.

Sure is peaceful-like, ain't it, Pa?

It sure is, Ma.

Well, of all things!

Burglars!

What are you tryin' to do, ruin my carpet?!

Well, if it isn't Murphy from the sheriff's office.

Why, so it is. Untie him.

What're you doin' in here anyway?

The sheriff left us here to protect the kids.

We're leavin'!

He should've sent the state militia!

Help me clean up this mess.

( Children whooping )

They're loose! Put a blanket over 'em!

Let me outta here! Turn on the lights!

Let us outta here! All: Ma!

( All shouting )

Ahh. (Laughs) The little darlings.

Yep. But you gotta watch 'em.

Oh, Pa!