Original subtitles

Okay, and our last presenter to share their reflections of their summer plans is Jacob Udell.

You know how there are those places where everything just makes sense and all your problems melt away?

For me, that place is camp.

And I'm not talking about some two-bit, week-long, bullshit day camp.

I'm talking about sleepaway camp.

And tomorrow, my 10-month wait will be over, and the two best months of the year are about to begin.

Do you believe in miracles?

Dude, I was so wrong not to invite you to Dave & Buster three weeks ago.

I'll regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Jacob, when I told your parents you were a handful, I was actually talking about another kid.

I know I give you a bit too much sometimes.

Oh, no, you're perfect.

Fuck school.

Let's go to camp.

I want to get a suntan on these titties.

Yeah!

Jacob, are you ready to present?

Yeah.

You know how there are those places ?

that bullshit me that's fine when it's late?

Stop fucking throwing so hard.

I mean, I guess it sort of looks like camp.

Like that thing in the middle that's like baboosik at night.

Yeah, actually, it's kind of an identical outline.

Oh, shit, man.

That's really great.

And over by the dock, there's two counselors that make it out.

Oh, sick, and it's two girls.

Oh, wait, it's dark.

That's my boy Jacob.

He's walking in the woods with Tali.

Come on, man.

Come on.

Ah, shit.

He chickened out.

You got the looks, Jakey.

All you need is the confidence.

Man, I hate to see him with that sad face.

You got all that from this?

What do you think that means?

How should I know?

Aren't you the nurse?

No, I'm the school mandated behavioral therapist.

Look, Mr. Song, have you ever been to camp?

No.

Max, as I've told you before, they did not have Jewish summer camp in Korea.

Well, then the fuck do you know?

Us camp people are just different.

We snuggle.

We cry with pride.

We shit with the doors open.

Okay.

I'm a totally different person at camp.

They don't even call me Max.

I just go by Charnas.

Okay, well, why can't you be that person here, too?

Wow, fucking great suggestion.

You don't think I've tried that?

Mr. Song, they locked me to the bike rack.

Okay, what those kids did was not okay.

Fucking assholes.

I don't even look like a curly haired soup dumpling.

I mean, seriously, look at some of the shit they've been circling around school.

Fucking dipshits.

Look, do I look anything like that?

Max, I want those kids to fuck chat GDT.

Max, we're talking about you having lasting friendships.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Song.

I know this is bad timing, but it's Jacob.

Sup, bitch?

Dude, have you ever tried therapy?

It's like really weird.

Look, Mr. Song, I think you've made about as much progress as we're going to make this year, so I say we go.

Have a great summer.

We could be life's best friends, really.

Did you see who it said, sweetie?

They have a CD or a DVD.

It's on.

Oh, my God.

Shut up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Notice how I'm walking different?

It's because my penis is like a four inch longer.

You're a little fatty, too.

Farmer!

This is my penis.

Gentlemen, this is our summer.

Every night, we put our heads to our pillows, dreaming of the first night of camp.

Gents, it's finally here.

Take it in, boys.

For these two months, we are going to have the highest percentage of successful ask-outs to the socials.

You're gonna cry.

And what are we gonna wear?

Mesh shorts.

A longest shower party on record.

And we're going to explore each other's bodies.

And we're going to explore each other's bodies.

Take on some winter.

Take on some winter.

Ten months of math.

Fuck fractions!

Ten months of your dad coming home smelling like perfume.

But your mom doesn't wear perfume.

Boo!

This is why we live ten for two.

Ten for two!

Ten for two!

Charn, you up?

Too excited.

Can't sleep.

I'm so glad we made it.

Same.

I know every year my parents say they need a break from me, but this year it wasn't in a funny way.

I think they're, like, starting to actually hate me.

Dude, they're idiots.

Don't listen to them.

I wonder why something so epic can't be, like, so lame back at home.

You mean like arts and crafts?

Friendship bracelets?

Clock toys?

Rap battles?

Made-up language nobody understands?

No, I mean, like, me.

Nobody likes me at home.

I'm sorry, man.

This is where we're gonna be forever, man.

Living four glorious summers as campers.

And then?

And then, when we're 16, we're apprentices.

And we'll be inducted into the Plunger Hall of Fame.

Hell yeah.

And maybe by then, Tali and I would've been dating for, like, four years.

But this summer, I'm gonna ask her out.

And when we're 40, we'll use our fortunes from the private sector to buy camp.

Maybe that's worth a combined net worth of 19 billion.

Which doesn't even include my eraser collection.

And we'll become the longest-running fine men in camp history.

And you and me are gonna crush rap every single day until we're 99 years old.

Am I a bullfrog or is it hotter than July?

Oh, and maybe I can do the solo part sometimes.

Sure.

Yeah, you know, I just, I sort of feel like I need it, so.

Well, maybe we could do it together?

Then I wouldn't be a solo.

Uh, yeah.

I guess I didn't think of that.

But the point is, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives at camp until we retire and spend our final days where it all started.

At old camp, the original paradise, I like it.

And we'll drink the old camp liquor, which is sweeter than Sprite.

And we'll sleep in the original bunks, - where over-the-pants handjobs were literally invented.

OTPHJs.

And where they played Fuck, Marry, Kill.

But it wasn't a game.

They did it for real.

And one day, they'll bury us in old camp.

And then, we'll decompose into the soil and become trees.

Forth and Clove.

The best place on Earth.

Chipwitch is in the headtongue!

Cindy, Sweeney, what are you doing in here?

Nobody come in!

Hey, Leon, have you, uh, checked the headtongue?

They've early posted the second month's play.

Please tell me it's the music man!

Tiny head, massive suction!

Chowder, Jacob!

Stop watching my stuff!

Did they actually make the Color War captains on the headtongue?

Yeah, come check it out!

No, no, no, no, Chard, it's just...

Charlie, relax.

If you plunge three more people, we'll break the first month's record.

Okay, well, I just wanted to say good luck today, parents-wise.

You feeling okay?

Yeah, I mean, Dad's last letter said we're coming in 11, so it...

sounds like they're still in one car, at least.

All right.

Well, crossing my fingers.

Jacob, your microbe owner's showing.

What?

No, it's not microbe.

It's, like, in the 55th percentile.

Okay, well, you guys know Sophie Freeman?

She's an avid one.

She lives in Manhattan.

Her mom was in a Doritos commercial.

I should go.

Yeah, me too.

Bye, Tali.

Dude, I do not get what you see in that girl right there.

Tali's a liar.

She tells these random-ass stories to the girls in her cabin that make no sense at all.

Tali is the most underrated girl at camp.

If you like her, I haven't asked her out yet.

She's never really in the right moment.

Oh, shut up.

I watch you choke it at both socials, and you do not get a third social.

I'm gonna do it.

Okay, everybody.

Visiting day begins at five minutes sharp.

And, parents, if you've forgotten your utensils, that is not an invitation to use the dining hall.

It's getting Sebastian's part.

Yep.

Why are you guys eating two totally different meals?

There was a bit of a food miscommunication.

I got on the road later than your brother this morning.

You guys didn't take the same car?

No, no.

Honey, we talked about this.

Your father and I, we're separated.

You said you were gonna use the summer to go over all the logistics.

Yes, the logistics of our divorce.

Oh.

Okay.

I started seeing someone else, and we're engaged.

What?

I am seeing someone else now, and we are...

He heard you, okay?

He's just in shock, understandably.

I can hear everything you're saying.

Why don't I grab some ice cream?

Yeah, good idea.

If they have cookies and cream, just get me a cup.

Who even is this woman?

Tell me about it.

Not mom.

Oh, right, Dana.

Her name's Dana.

Yeah, her name is Dana.

She's an event coordinator.

And she's working on a novel.

Actually, I think you know her son.

Gordon Fisher.

That guy?

Yeah.

He's a freak, dad.

Well, I know he's a bit of a character, but...

He stands outside his carpool, and he practices magic with a wand.

Vanilla!

Okay.

Let's just, please, go to the registration tab.

I want my shirt.

Oh.

Your mother and I need to figure out exactly where next year is.

Stop this.

You guys aren't actually about to say I'm not coming back next summer.

It's a possibility.

They are bringing back tubing next year.

These are my only friends.

You're telling me you can't find any way to drum up eight grand?

I mean, that personal trainer is very expensive.

Are you sure that's necessary?

You gave $5,000 to Elizabeth Warren for president.

Does that feel like money well spent?

I'm going to the tab.

First of all, come here.

We all have to make sacrifices.

Not me.

Please, not this one.

We'll call the cab office when we get home.

You don't have to worry about any of this.

Yeah.

Are you okay, kid?

How is she?

Don't look out, okay?

Okay.

Okay?

I'm not stepping foot in that fucking woman's house with her sick of nature son who's going to turn me unpopular.

Nothing fucking works!

Charley, what happened with your parents today?

You know how I catfished my principal on Match.com?

You just said your principal didn't like you.

Yeah, because I catfished him on Match.com and got him to send a picture of him licking a lollipop.

I told you guys this.

No, you did not.

Well, the school tracked my IP address, and now I'm kicked out.

Damn, that really sucks.

And my parents were sending me to this boarding school for diverse learners.

Fuck that.

You know that kid Alan Urbosa who's, like, obsessed with me?

Well, he gave my parents another letter from me.

It's like, Tommy, I love you.

Why can't we just be together?

Let me see the letter.

I'm telling you, I'm going to write it back and annihilate him.

I threw it out.

Should we try to find smaller sticks?

We can break this one.

I'm not going to that fucking boarding school.

Everyone knows I would look shitty with a buzz cut out of my face.

This is total crap, but what other option do we have?

What if we never went home?

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

Enough with 10 for 2.

We need to go 12 for 12 all year camp.

You're talking dirty, little man, and I like it.

Let's make a baby.

For real, for real.

What if at the end of the summer, when the buses leave, we don't get on.

We hide.

And when the force is clear, we run, and we just keep doing camp.

Well, we can't just run.

That would be dumb.

We need a destination.

Like, somewhere off the Grand Boat with shelter.

Wait, where'd it have been a lot in Hyde?

What about old camp?

I don't think he had an old camp.

I think it was, like, Asia?

No, no, you mean, like, the original site of finding.

Old camp.

It's perfect.

I heard that when they moved, they just left everything behind, untouched.

It's like a Jewish museum, but without all the sad parts.

Books.

Kitchen.

PB&J for days.

It's perfect.

If we pull this off, all of it goes away.

And the only thing left is camp.

3, 2, 1.

On the last day of camp, the only staff on site will be Bob.

That guy?

Pure misery.

I heard his wife left him at the altar.

Or his own brother.

Now?

He's a cuck.

Bob's way of coming off because he wasn't Jewish.

So he tried to circumcise himself, but he accidentally caught too much.

And now?

He's a eunuch.

You're both wet.

He's ex-military.

He was dishonorably discharged from Guantanamo for being too rough on the Taliban.

He's legally prohibited from using it, and he cut off the heads of, like, 50 people.

That's why he only eats soup.

She broke it off because he jerked off so much.

Only error comes out as just some scammer That's why he can spend his whole life at camp and still be miserable.

Forever you, forever me.

Forever Bob on ATV.

Put my name on everything.

There's nothing that guy won't do.

We're going to have to neutralize him.

What do we do about our parents?

By the time they figure it out, it'll be too late.

Dear Dad, camp's going great.

Oh, Charlie!

Am I a bullfrog for he's eating hotter than shoe?

Shakey-fakey, tell it to me fresh.

What?

No, actually, it's going epic.

Everything is just clicking into place.

My name's Jacob.

And mine is Sean.

And there's a party later, but we're going round the bar.

We want some remix!

Even our crush track is reaching new heights.

Reem!

And, honestly, I think it's because everyone's just so unified.

And just, like, really growing up.

Now, my bunk is the family I...

to catch me when I...

I'm on top of the world here.

And not just because I'm king on a freaking zip line.

Dad, don't worry about me.

And I won't worry about you.

Time truly does fly at camp.

I almost wish it wouldn't end.

If you're in this room, you know just as well as I do that there is nothing waiting for us back home.

Here's the plan.

Tomorrow morning, we grab the last of the supplies and then set off to Old Camp.

And once we land, we're doing summer forever.

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

It's gonna be epic.

We've been stocking up on food.

And the fridge at Old Camp's gonna be filled with shit, too.

And, guys, I'm thinking the first night at Old Camp, we should have a social.

Yeah!

Okay, a third social.

Is that even allowed?

Don't you get it?

Everything's allowed.

I heard at Old Camp, they have queen-size beds made for fucking.

Like, they were encouraging it.

Oh, yeah!

You know, we're gonna create a new society.

New art.

New recipes.

New languages.

Doobity-doobity-doo.

You'll soon know what that means.

Muske-muske-dushe-mushe.

That translates to fine men forever.

And you'll know what that means soon enough.

The only staff left on site tomorrow will be Bob.

Fuck Bob.

He's a million years old.

He prints out his emails and he pays for AOL.

We'll take care of Bob.

How are we actually supposed to leave the camp tomorrow without anyone noticing?

What, they'll make us, like, get on a bus?

We all know the rules.

Anyone with pink eye quarantines for 48 hours.

So?

If we wake up tomorrow with pink eye, we can't leave camp.

That's when we execute our escape.

Problem is, we don't have pink eye.

Dude.

This is your last chance.

There's no turning back.

You take the blue pill, a melatonin that I stole from the camp nurse's office.

You go to sleep, and you wake up tomorrow morning, you forget all about this.

Or, you take the red pill, and you stay in Wonderland.

And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

So let me get this straight.

You expect us to intentionally put poop particles in our face so that we end up purposely getting pink eye?

That is step one.

Oh my god.

Step two.

The virus incubates for 12 hours.

When we wake up in the morning, a lucky few of us will find freedom.

Why not have an adventure?

If you don't get pink eye, you shut your fucking mouth and take this conversation with you to the grave.

Long distance?

No way.

We're like, so in love.

Step three.

Parents.

The pink eye will give us a 48-hour head start before our families get suspicious.

After that, I'll be faking our deaths and planting your DNA in the bag of bones in Bob's fire pit.

Fuck you, mom and dad!

James, I wish you weren't my brother.

Eat shellfish and die!

Step four.

Under no circumstances does this information leave this room.

This can is filled with snitches, especially that little rat fuck Leon.

Well, well, well.

Just as I suspected.

A merry band of thugs and thieves here to raid our dining hall.

My peers paid good money for the suit.

Shut the fuck up, Leon.

No, fuck!

I didn't get it!

Fuck!

You burned it, Jacob.

Well, aren't you a cyber pink eye?

Goddamn yourself!

Goddamn!

Who is this shit?

Holy shit, Leon!

You look like a ginormous sunset took a shit in your eyes.

Excuse me?

Leon, we also don't want you to come with us on this escape, but you know too much.

Yeah, you're a chunk to bite us.

Can't put you on the bus today.

You look a little off, you do.

Bob, maybe you can drive it?

Leon, I don't have time today.

Danny, what's your 20?

We got a situation.

Forget it.

I'll find you.

And I dare you, but after today, that's Ms. Brock hour's problem, okay?

Oh, shit.

Hey, Danny boy.

Excited to reach you on walkie.

I think you're offline.

I'm on channel 4.

That's the direct line.

Anyway, this pink eye situation is really out of control.

Way worse than...

Okay, look, I have to go wave some kids goodbye.

If you could just give me the headline.

Well, we're on a 48-hour lockdown, so coverage-wise, we're working with me, you, and I'm sorry, I'm thinking it was a boys' night out, and thoughts on Peter?

Okay, Bob, stop.

Summer's over, alright?

The counselors are clocked out.

Fine, you're the director, you choose the third.

No, it's just you, okay?

You think you can handle that?

Of course.

Right.

Do not fuck this up.

This is a safe 5 quarantine.

You'll be sheltering in place for the next 48 hours.

There's three meals, two snacks, and one rule.

Do not leave the rooms.

Who you did, Bobby?

Dear Bob, I'm writing to invite you to my lake house to come accept a new position that shall be named Director of New Camper

Development.

In this capacity, you will be expected to manage and supervise multiple projects.

I'm momentarily stepping out.

Including teaching proper trust fall etiquette.

As well as basic self defense, police, creepy posters, and other nefarious acts of the demented.

Oh yeah, that's just great!

Oh my God, yes!

Move, people, move!

Don't forget to grab the oral swab!

We need an oral swab!

Go, go, go!

Pass me up and do this before it starts to get nasty.

For hours I did them up, them bricks I set apart, my raps I bit them up, for that I'll stick them up.

For good, for it's all good, money I've got.

Man, you're still back at this, look at me murder my friends, couldn't take it, and bailed and left my friends for dead.

Told them I ain't have nothing to do with the writing, I'll hold you down and leave you sneezing, man,

let's stop and freeze up, my man's at me trying to rock, bees, golden and threes in the pepper breeze,

so pretty, but my raps is big enough, like a whip, it don't stand, so I don't want to stop, it's like you don't want to say, cause you're not scared.

That's right, you can stop and freeze up, I'll be back in a few seconds.

Director of New Camper Development.

Um, yeah, man, I don't know, I think this is some sort of prank or something, because, uh, yeah, I don't know, it says my my email is Danny Camp

Real?

You thought my email was Danny Camp Real?

You know how much I care about this place, right?

Sure.

No one cares about Feynman more than me.

I...

Guess what I'm saying is I do have more to offer.

Yeah, and I mean, we've I mean, we love having you on the staff.

You've been here for, what, eight?

Nine summers?

26 years.

Incredible legacy.

We're really lucky.

And as much as I'd love to keep having this combo, I mean, shit, you should probably go check on those kids, right?

Here's your email.

Thanks again.

Well, not thanks, but you know how thankful I am.

Sir, a great friend.

A powerful enemy of clogged toilets.

Well, I guess this wasn't here in the 20s.

That's the longest prank I'll ever see.

Hi.

Hi.

We'll just, uh...

We'll just hop the fence.

Um...

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

Leon, relax.

It's an old sign.

I'm sure it's fine, okay?

So, who wants to go first?

Thank you.

You saved me.

Somewhat.

For it, I'm guessing.

He saved her.

There's nothing.

No problem.

There's gotta be another place to...

Pull off?

What?!

Bob knows where we are!

What?!

Oh my god!

Come here, Bob!

Save me!

Save me!

Relax.

There's no way he can save his brother.

God damn it!

He just eye-fucked me through the binoculars!

Why is he looking at me that way?!

I'm a child, Bob!

Oh shit, he's still there.

Leon, enough!

I'm just stretching my arm.

I'll stretch it for you if you don't stop it!

It'll load up in like 40 seconds.

Oh, chill.

I drained all the gas from the moats.

Yes, you're a genius.

Motherfuck!

We need a plan right now!

What about a hole?

We can dig a hole!

We don't even have a shovel.

We can crawl through.

Guys, I got it.

All the electric's coming from up there.

I'm gonna climb up and I'm gonna cut the power.

Once I do, be ready to scale.

Jacob, are you insane?

He is a madman and we are in his coat!

Well, if you're gonna do it, go!

I will not be your medicine girl!

There's no other way.

And we are not turning back.

Don't move!

That is an order!

Don't move!

Coming for you, you dildo!

Fuck off!

Make it get out of Ronald's body!

Make it get in!

You got 40 seconds tops!

You gotta do something, Jacob!

Come on, let's go!

Jacob, you're alive!

You're alive!

But you won't get away!

How the fuck do you turn this thing off?

Come on, move!

As soon as that thing turns off, Sophie, you go first.

No, I'm waiting for Jackson.

He'll need our help.

Sophie, Jackson isn't coming!

He promised.

He's a fuckboy!

He cheated on you all summer!

There are delinquents across the lane!

I repeat, delinquents across the lane!

Rachel Bernstein jacked him off during Finding Nemo.

That's a frickin' lie!

Leon, he brought a blanket and it was 90 degrees.

Marlon was Finding Nemo and he was jizzing!

That fucker!

God, these wires are connected to shit!

Something's happening!

Just keep pulling, Jacob!

Hey, don't tell anybody, but I fucked a parent in the nature shed!

Hell yeah!

Okay, Johnny, go!

Everybody climb!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Two down!

Hurry up!

Let's go!

Hurry up, I'm fucking stuck!

Use your core charge!

What the fuck am I trying?

Just turn the power back on and let me die!

Yeah, we can leave!

Come on, let's go!

No!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, hurry up!

You slowpoke!

Charge!

Charge!

Charge!

Charge!

Freak!

Is he dead?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, my body's alive!

Fuck this wishy-mo!

Marry the concept of science and kill Toy Story 2!

What?

No!

I'm still on duty at work and if I don't get back...

Slow down.

Just slow down.

And Danny and the kids have been having an absolute blast!

Uh, Sophie Friedman's mom is calling me saying no one's answering the infirmary phone.

What's going on?

Charnas, what do you mean three-steak solution?

Hey, hey, gotta go.

Charnas, sit!

Ms. Efron, 48 hours, I'll have Leon packed and E-Guy breathing as a body empty.

Would you rather be made out of carbon or all hydrogen?

What the hell does that even mean?

There is a right answer though!

You know, I'm sorry about Jackson.

I know how it feels that everyone got you in on a secret.

Charnas once farted into my Nalgene and said I ate his ass by the strings of property.

As if that's how the strings of property even works.

Frickin' moron.

Men are pigs.

Men are the whole damn barn.

And you know what?

I'll frickin' drink to that.

Not from your Nalgene, I hope.

Soldiers, the final descent is upon us!

What a rundown piece of shit.

I know.

It's perfect.

Let's go!

Bingo ! I found the fridge!

It's locked.

Come on!

God damn it.

I got a plan.

Everybody take cover!

This place is about to smell like a frat house!

Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu.

Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu.

Holy shit.

Guys.

We hit the mother load.

Three, two, one!

Oh, sorry.

Three, two, one!

Soybean!

Yeah!

Easy peasy!

Yeah!

My name is Tali.

Yeah!

And I don't wear makeup.

Yeah!

Who's gonna hook up?

Yeah!

Charnas and Jacob!

Alright!

Yeah!

The time has come for tonight's evening activity.

And as promised, we are having a social!

Theme for tonight's social.

It's a wedding.

Who's getting married?

Well, I actually got to think of it.

Elohein?

Well, you can't marry me.

Well, I haven't met your parents yet, but...

Why the hell not?!

What I was thinking!

Yeah, let's go guys!

From instructional swimming to free swimming.

From old camp to new.

Till death do you part.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Yeah!

I love being married!

Twelve for twelve!

Twelve for twelve!

I know how hard a wedding can be for you.

Considering that your parents' love was fake.

Those vows meant nothing.

How do you know when a guy likes you?

Anyone in particular you're thinking of?

I've been waiting for him to, like, make a move.

But nothing's happening.

Dude, let's crush rap.

Hell yeah, let's do it!

Wait, should I do the remix part?

Totally.

How about next time?

That's what you said last time.

This place is amazing, let's never leave!

Am I a bullfrog?

Goodness, Arlen!

Ever made you feel any better?

It's usually not the kid's fault.

I don't think it was my fault either.

It's not because you did anything.

It's because you exist.

Do you think he's, like, embarrassed?

Like I'm following him around and he doesn't even care about me?

Hi.

Hi.

So, uh, what you thinking about?

I don't know.

What are you thinking about?

You know, at camp, I always tell everyone that you're the most underrated.

Underrated?

What?

Just in the rankings.

Well, thank you so much for seeing my potential.

What?

It's really great.

No, no, no, Tali.

It wasn't meant like that.

It was meant as a compliment.

I'm sorry.

Wait, I don't understand.

Are you mad?

I'm fine.

I should get some sleep.

Hello, my husband.

Hello, my wife.

Have you ever danced with someone before?

No.

I'll teach you.

Put your hands on my waist.

Just like that.

Okay, there you go.

Now just put this on the side.

There you go.

Okay, you got it.

Hi.

So, are you going to miss home?

My whole family thinks they're so smart and I'm the fuck up.

I guess they decided they were done with me.

But hey, looks like I'm done with them too.

Well, I think you're smart.

Like, that one time when you forgot your line in the play and did the Star Wars impression instead.

Like, you're really inventive.

Thank you.

I must.

So, do you miss New York?

I bet you have all sorts of cool things waiting for you.

Is it true that your best friends are all older DJs?

No.

My home friends are all kind of the same.

It's nice to feel special at camp.

You know, I also invented the remix part.

Like, of the Crush Rap?

Yeah.

That's the best part.

I know.

But Jacob's whole point is like...

He said it's better if he does it.

Because it's more of a surprise.

But, what's the surprise?

Doesn't he do it every time?

Thank you again for marrying me.

It multiplies my cool factor by like one thousand.

Don't listen to what the guys say.

Trust me.

When you're older, they'll be cooler than all of them.

Hope you're right.

But for now, the only thing that'll make you cool to them is if you have your penis manipulated by a girl's hand.

You mean a hand job?

Mm-hmm.

A devil's handshake.

If you want, you can tell the guys you got one.

From me.

But why would I say that?

Sometimes.

You just gotta fake it till you make it.

Okay.

Swear you won't tell anyone.

I won't.

Like at all.

I won't.

Leave.

What did you do?

I just, I did this dumb thing at school where I told everyone I had this boyfriend in camp.

And that he was this hot French boy who like serenaded me and was just like obsessed with me.

Named Jacques.

Wait, you mean Jacques Ugg?

Then the girls were suspicious and thought I was lying and asked to meet him.

So I said that we broke up and he went crazy from the heartbreak and was sent away to a mental institution.

Well played.

Not really.

I figured it out.

And then everyone treated me like shit.

Was that when you started talking to Alan the stalker?

Yeah.

There's also no Alan.

Sorry about lying about that too.

Sorry.

I don't give a shit.

I'm the same guy that catfished his principal pretending to be a 42-year-old hooker named Kathy.

I told everyone from home that I had this guy from camp that was obsessed with me,

and everyone from camp that I had this guy from home that was obsessed with me.

But really, no one's thinking about me.

I mean, I think about you.

Come on.

Kissed you, I have.

Lord Anakin, don't slaughter the children.

Oh, 600.

Base.

Sijur.

As the captain.

The dark.

The worst.

Yudel.

Where are you?

Pick up.

Coming to get you.

That won't be necessary.

Well, enjoy tonight, truly.

Because when I find you tomorrow, it's all over.

You wish, Bob.

No, no, no, not for them.

For you.

Yeah, I heard your parents don't want you coming back next summer.

They're still deciding.

No, it's decided.

They emailed the camp office to withdraw you and everything.

Got your attention, huh?

Good.

Because I'm about to make you an offer one time and one time only.

I'm currently at Daddy's office holding a ray of keys.

And one of these little buggers opens Daddy's lockbox full of petty cash.

Add it all up, and I would say it's quite a haul.

To the tune of...

Hmm, eight, nine grand.

That kind of coin would get you maybe one more summer at camp.

Could be useful in a venue.

Run away forever plan doesn't work out.

No deal, Bob.

I'm not taking your fucking bribe.

I never sell out my job.

You know, Yudel, you and I aren't that different.

I bet in another life we could have been friends.

Yeah, and in another life, maybe my parents would like each other and I would have a four-inch dick.

I've been doing this a long time.

I love camp more than anything, do you, Yudel?

Why do you think I stuck around so long?

I see myself in you, kid.

We couldn't be more different.

You sit alone in the woods, and I've got my dillos keeping me alive and strong.

You wanna know how this ends, Yudel?

I win, you lose.

You're never gonna find us, Bob.

Not today, not tomorrow.

We're gonna make it.

Because we've got everything we need to survive.

Ha ha ha!

You okay, big man?

Okay, so, ideally, we wouldn't have gone through all our snacks in one night.

But now, we get to see what old Camp Pantry really has to offer.

Exhibit A.

Battalion.

Peanut butter jelly time?

Yeah, I guess.

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da!

Oh, Jesus.

Looks a little darker than usual.

Is all the food expired?

No, this is just how they used to make peanut butter before it got all woke.

Jacob, it smells like my dog's asshole.

Aw, I miss my dog.

Smells like my nana when they found her body.

Mushy.

She would have been proud of the woman you became.

What the fuck?

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, I like it.

What else do we have?

Would you like the beginning of a salad?

Put this guy on?

What the hell is that?

Jesus.

No!

Relax, I removed the eyes.

Well, I found...

A can of tomato!

Hey, man, are you sure this water's okay to fish in?

It looks like it's full of shit.

I feel like the rat was a good idea.

You didn't really give it a chance.

Hey, Charnas.

Just fish, please.

Hey, did, uh...

Did Tommy say anything to you last night?

Like, about me?

Nothing I can remember.

Did something happen?

Which one's second base?

You went to second base?

No, I wouldn't kiss and tell.

I'm just wondering generally.

First base, kissing with tongue and moaning.

Second base, tits out, no bulge, kissing and moaning.

Third base, you lick her butthole and then you have dinner with her parents.

Did you do that?

Well, actually, I was gonna say...

Tali's actually gotten a lot cooler and funnier than I remember.

Oh, Dilos!

Morning, gents.

I'd say I told you so, but I think it's pretty damn clear.

How did you find us?

You stole the map to Old Camp.

Oh, and let's do Camp Forever.

What a sustainable, long-term plan.

You know there's a rat carcass on the barbecue.

Those things carry ebola, right?

Leon, what the hell happened to you?

Sophie stubbed my penis.

Okay.

Come on.

You know this plan was doomed.

Didn't you, Udell?

Okay, fine.

Take the deal.

Kid, it's way too late for that.

But if it makes you feel any better, I was never gonna give you that cash in the first place.

Jacob, what's he talking about?

Your fearless leader didn't tell you?

Jacob's not coming back next year.

His peers won't shell out the dough.

Is that true?

Yeah, he knew that.

And now, no one's coming back next summer.

Unless, starting right now, you obey my every word.

I am bringing you back to Camp, where you will sit in the infirmary like God's perfect angels until your parents arrive.

And then, we'll write this off as our little secret.

Sounds like a bribe so you don't get fired.

Astute.

Udell, I think I speak for everyone when I say we're gonna miss that keen intuition when you're gone next year.

All right, let's go.

Hey!

Dangerous!

Don't move!

Nobody move!

Jacob!

Come on!

Jacob!

Now, be reasonable.

Stop, Bob!

Holy shit!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop, Bob!

You're too old for camp, Bob!

You think you're tough?

No!

You think you're gonna break me?

Blow him out, Jacob!

No!

No!

Oh, Bob!

I'm gonna fuck you!

You're gonna wipe me!

I'm gonna fuck you off the horse!

Eagle, eagle, child!

No!

Pedal!

Stop!

General, stop!

I can do something on my wheelchair!

I'm gonna be battling you!

You little prick!

Oh, shit!

You're gonna kill us!

No!

Bye-bye, Bobby!

Oh, my God!

Did you fucking kill him?

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't go to prison.

I can't go to prison.

Guys like me don't make it out of juvie.

Nobody move.

Oh, fuck!

He's alive!

Everybody run!

I'll protect you.

Run, Mike, run!

Leon!

Leon.

Leon.

Leon.

Find me, Brian!

All right, thank you.

Pretty badass, right?

Leon.

The last 24 hours has been so, so great.

Agreed.

But I have to go back to the city.

And be on your 10.

And you live in Georgia.

Wait, we're breaking up?

I'm in so deep right now, I screwed up the word big time.

And if I can't find a way to fix this, and I lose my job, then...

There's, uh, truly nothing left for me.

I don't want to go home.

Leon, I can still be friends.

Sophie, you're making the biggest fucking mistake.

I have a hundred victims, yes, just...

absolutely hate me.

All it really takes is just love them, feed them, and put a band-aid on their knee.

It's really not so complicated.

Oh, put a band-aid on their knee?

You forgot about the part where they defraud you and run you over with your own truck?

Watch the bitch, Bob.

Get in line.

I'm locking you in.

Good day, good night.

Where's my key?

So you're going to steal $8,000 to pay for camp next summer, and your parents aren't going to ask where you got it?

Of course they will.

That's why I'm going to break it up into a bunch of $18 checks, safe for misbegives.

It's called money laundering.

This mission has now gone from a runaway to a robbery.

No one is getting kicked out of camp today.

Bob needs this to go away as much as we do.

So all you guys have to do is get back to camp tomorrow morning before parents arrive,

and then I'll steal the cash box and be able to pay for my own camp.

Look, you're a total bitch for not telling us about next summer.

Agreed.

Same page.

I'm a bitch.

Blight, you did throw Bob through a wall, which was on the list of things I need to see before I die.

I think we need to keep pushing forward.

Yes.

Thank you, Charm.

Look, good things have been happening to all of us, not just you.

Right, Tali?

Yes, that's true.

Okay.

Great.

So I was thinking we head west towards Hamlin's Peak.

Dude, Hamlin's Peak is like cliffs.

Give me that.

Cone's Bay is way flatter and- That is way too long, Charm.

It's really not.

Come on.

Let's go.

I'm not touching that cash you miserable pirate.

God damn it, I wish he'd be back early.

Hey, Daniel!

Thought I wasn't seeing you till morning.

Miss me too much?

No, I just thought it'd be less of a hassle if I sleep here tonight, you know, in case the parents come over early.

Oh, speaking of heading in, I'd love to come inside and see how the big man gets comfy.

I'm gonna go in here.

I can light you up a fire, come inside, and leave right after I light you up.

It's good.

Okay.

You should go to the infirmary.

Okay.

Night-night.

Yes, do not come in here.

At all.

Ever.

Bob!

I think the problem was that the M.I. stands for Miles and not Minutes.

My mistake, sorry.

So we're lost.

Cool.

What?

No, we're fine.

We're fine, okay?

Well, I guess the map didn't mention the giant fucking cliff.

Or did it?

Did it?

No.

No, it didn't.

Yeah, this is a dead end.

Look, I have a plan.

If we go down slowly, and we go down...

Great, why don't you do your plan and just start calling her tall?

Well, I mean, that's what you call her.

What are you going to do next?

Hook up?

What if I did?

I can't believe you chose him.

Okay.

You want to write home?

Guys, stop it!

Should we get out the typewriter?

Fucker.

Dear Mom and Dad, Jacob is a psycho piece of shit who only cares about being in charge.

He won't eat anything spicier than when he gets jerked off to a picture of his aunt!

I told you that in private!

I don't care!

She wasn't blood-related!

Dear Mom and Dad, Jordan is just a jealous dick who thinks he's not allergy for attention,

and he only likes Tali because he wants to be me.

Stop it!

Ow, get off!

I know your life sucks because you don't have any friends.

I do have friends.

You think I'm the one who follows you?

I came up with the fucking crush rap.

Your remix ideas are aggressively unfunny.

I literally have a notebook full of ideas that are way better.

Number one, Obama and Shabbat.

Number two, Danny Vu's Jamaica.

Do you have any?

Come on, give us an idea.

Give us an original idea.

No?

I'll go.

Yoda as Kim Jong-Un.

Minion porn.

Taylor Swift trying to juggle.

Fine, take the remix.

That's the only good relationship in your life.

Dude, what the fuck?

Keep going back!

What are you doing? - No.

Now you and all your friends can go find it.

Fuck you!

Tala, let's go.

Please, wait.

Please, help me.

That's all I ever do.

Are you ever once going to think about me?

I wanted to be with you so bad I literally started pretending we were together.

Except she had to make you seem way cooler than you actually are.

She made up this entire backstory about how you were a hot French psycho.

Shut up!

Why did you not tell me about that?

Because it's humiliating.

Almost as humiliating as you hooking up with my best friend.

Come on.

We only did that because we were mad at you.

Oh.

I mean, you know what I mean.

I'm going to go home.

Where's Yudel?

Your guess is as good as ours.

For real.

Yudel?

Can you hear me?

Yudel, are you there?

Can you hear me?

Whatever you're running away from, staying back here ain't going to fix it.

You can still turn this around.

It's not too late.

You know, I've built my whole life around staying at camp.

Sounds dreamy until you wake up and realize you've got nothing left to live for.

Bob, you don't think that I have a plan?

I am getting that cash and tomorrow morning, before parents arrive,

I will be at the infirmary with the money in my hand, because next summer, I am going back to camp.

It's a lose-lose for you, Bob.

Either you lose $8,000 or you admit to losing five kids.

Either way, you are done.

Okay.

Looks like we're going to do this the hard way.

One of us is leaving camp tomorrow for good.

In newsflash, it's not going to be me.

You got that, Yudel?

You ready to pack that duffel one last time?

Ready to take that last walk across Foster Field?

Yudel?

Yudel?

Fucking go.

From Danny's cabin all the way to the infirmary.

Touch your nose, weasel.

Excuse me.

Oh, you must be Leon's parents.

What a pleasure.

Look, I'm sorry.

I have to step out, so I just wanted to do a quick comparison of your camp's pink-eyed protocols with those of the CDC.

Yeah, kitty, kitty.

What is this? - No.

I'll get you a cab.

Come on.

Yudel, please.

Chill.

Fuck you, bro!

You've gone insane!

Would you like to head to the infirmary?

Yeah, come on.

You're responsible.

Are you fucking insane ? you could've been killed !

Okay, sorry.

Now go sit down there. NOW !

Hey.

Get your leg out.

This will probably sting a little.

Is that a good one?

There you go.

I'm sorry about your car.

Makes two of us.

And I'm sorry your wife left you at the altar because you circumcised too much.

I appreciate it.

You know, Yudel, you stay at camp long enough,

you start to realize, part of what makes it all magic is that it ends.

Jacob.

Let's go in the car.

Hi, guys.

Jacob, I'm so glad to finally meet you.

Yeah.

Jacob, you remember Gordon?

Hey, Jacob.

Hello.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Yo ! Wz up ? Wait, do you remember Leon's face when you farted ?

lol ! Can we talk ? I'm really sorry.

Do you whant a snack ? Pasta.

Yeah, thank you.

I made it myself.

Thank you.

I just wanted to really formally apologize for everything.

And I'm gonna make it up.

I promise.

I'll mow lawns.

I'll become a house cleaner.

Jalen's really good with crypto, so maybe I...

Okay, hey, it's Jacob.

It's just...

It's okay.

I know I screwed up with, like, everyone.

Maybe when the days come.

Maybe when the days come.

You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to both of us, right?

Yeah, things are different, but that doesn't mean they have to be worse.

But you have to give it a real try.

Hey.

Mind if I join?

Magic Club's open to all.

Today may just be lower attendance.

Probably a busy week for people.

What's in this one?

I don't know.

Give it a shake.

Ah, you're a natural.

I guess it runs in the family.

Oh, hey, Sheamus.

Great to see you.

This is Jacob.

He got exploding dice on the first try.

Nice to meet you.

So, are you more of a mind trick or card shark?

Oh, no.

I think he's just an observer.

No, I did actually have one question.

Do either of you have a trick where you, like, break out of chains?

Like a mental patient?

I can teach you that one, no problem.

But, you know, I made a mistake.

I'm actually feeling a little nauseous.

Are you okay?

Do you need water?

I mean...

I'm sorry.

How long have you been chewing ice sticks?

And she said the movie sucks.

But it was good.

Like, it's so funny too.

Wait, could you say that again?

I couldn't hear you.

Don't worry, we'll write it down.

It was his pinata in his class.

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, Hamacht Middle School.

I am looking for a madam by the name of Talia Simani.

Dahlia, what are you doing?

Please don't be a scoundrel, it's Jacques!

I've broken out of the asylum for you!

Oh my god!

Wait, is this your crazy ex?

Jacques Jeudet, enchanté!

Jacques, that's all I told you!

We broke up!

I just really...

Dude, get the hell out of my girl's face!

Dahlia is ours!

It's okay, Courtney, I've got this.

Stay down, you're scaring people.

Also, the driver's gonna be back in a minute, and she's like, really protective about strangers coming on the bus.

He's totally real.

For the record, I always believed her.

Thank you for that.

Yeah, of course.

What the hell is going on here?

I leave for five minutes, and they tell me some French mother...

Hey, buddy, I hope you don't mind.

I thought you wanted to have some friends here, weren't you?

Hey!

Hey, huh?

Eudelle!

Well, well, well.

Hi, Bob.

Wow, you look slicker than a greased watermelon.

Thank you, Bob.

Kind of surprised to see you here.

Well, I'll be honest, I was kind of surprised to get the invite.

I'm thinking your dad thought I was a child.

Speaking of overgrown children, where is the little fungal stump?

Yeah.

Have you guys heard from Charm?

Dana, from the moment we first met, I knew the next chapter of my life had begun.

You filled me up with more joy than I could possibly imagine.

And I vowed to fill you up even more.

In bed.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'll kiss you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, um...

All of my life has been prologue.

What is marriage?

If you asked a dictionary, it would say when two people get married.

But love...

That's a little bit more complicated.

Not that you guys need a reminder.

I mean, you're both on marriage number two.

Oh my God.

You do crazy things to hold on to what you love.

And you do hold on tight.

Because you're terrified of what it would be like if you lost it.

And sometimes you do lose it, but...

Maybe it's not fully gone.

I hope.

Here's to finding...

The one.

Am I a bullfrog or is it hotter than July?

July!

Sorry.

This is usually when— Janky, baby, toucha me fresh.

Let's go Rock n' Roll !

My name's Jacob And my name's Shawn And there's a funny little rumor Goin' round the barn

A couple of lovers, we don't know who The chickens won't peep The cats won't die,

We ask the ghosts Still no luck The llama said, I don't give up.

Oh Jesus, there's more.

Remix!

Hello!

My name is Barack Obama!

Ruff-a-tada-nail!

Hey you melancholy, pretty pretty, I got that!

Wow, he's finally doing it.

Amen y'all!

Woo!

Yeah, Jordan!

Hello, banana latte!

I think he's doing something racist.

Bananas!

Meet you at a Starbucks!

It's just minions.

It's just minions.

Excuse me sir, what do you do for work?

Happy birthday to me.

Check your crotch.

The five of diamonds everybody.

Oh my god.

I really feel like people didn't get the minions thing.

It was perfect.

I totally got it.

That's how a minion would act at Starbucks.

Thank you.

Seriously, you'll have to do that next summer.

Yeah, well, about that...

I'm not coming back next summer.

What?

Our new school does this mandatory summer session.

I'm...

sorry.

Honestly, I hate to admit it, but my new school is kind of bomb.

My parents said I can't focus, and now I get all these accommodations.

Like, I can take tests for as long as I want.

They're such dumbasses.

You two whispering is never good.

Don't worry, Bob.

Next summer, Feynman will finally be free of us.

Well, that makes three of us.

Danny gave me the boot.

Eudell, don't you go worried about old Bobby.

I can't believe we're never gonna be back at Foster Field.

Well, after spending many an off-season at camp, I can tell you, boys, it's not the place that makes it feel like Feynman.

Eudello's running on the woodchip path when I tell you to walk.

Hey, Bob, do you want to join us?

Oh, no, you go ahead.

I should play with the grown-ups.

Are you sure?

You don't know anybody.

Go.

Scram.