Original subtitles

Okay. Oh, wow!

Oh, my God!

Crab king!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Okay, what's happening here?

- After you. - Wow, thank you.

Just take the--oh, God.

Okay, so just crack it.

- Okay. - Okay.

Wow.

Unfortunately, I am an expert at this,

because my family made me do it every summer.

Oh, I'm so sorry that you had to summer

in paradise every year.

Thank you for saying that. It's actually my trauma.

Are you getting really hot?

I should've brought shorts.

Wow, this from a man who roasted us

for bringing multiple bags.

- Wow. - You all have two bags.

That's like six bags for three days.

That's insane.

you are very comfortable talking a lot of shit

about how all you needed was a dang JanSport.

That is also fair,

and that was a nice impression, by the way.

Thank you.

Why don't you just cut your jeans into shorts?

No, I'm good. Thank you, though.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, please.

Come on.

I gotta see what's under there.

- Ooh. - Oh.

Come on, let me be vile.

I'm all messed up.

You have to kind of vibe with it, dog.

I'm trying.

Is this attractive to see a grown man fight a kite?

Yes.

Okay, tell me.

Did you guys bang it out last night?

- No. - Oh.

No, I don't know.

I thought it was gonna happen, but it did not happen.

I'm only worried because I actually like him,

but the longer this goes on, it might start to become weird.

I know, and, like,

I feel very connected to him, like, emotionally.

It', like, aggressively healthy,

he, like, shuts me down hard.

But then I can, like, feel his boner,

so, like, I know it's there.

Okay, well, maybe you just need

to make it happen yourself.

- Oh, God. - Get on down.

Ma'am, I think that's assault.

Hey, the jeans are wet, and the jeans are hot.

And I'm gonna go inside and cut 'em into shorts.

- Yay. - Oh, yay!

Get ready for some calves.

- He's cute. - Aw, cute.

Wow, I can't believe

that you and I are at an adult, couple-y beach weekend.

No, I know. I know.

I never really saw that for us ever.

Yeah.

And it's good that it's not all about sex with Will,

because I feel like...

when we were younger, I used to think that, like,

sex was the only form of validation, you know?

- Yeah. - Like, sex was the thing.

Yeah, that's how we knew we were valuable,

because someone wanted to fuck us.

Yeah, depressing.

Please, Annie, it's "Kegs and Eggs."

The whole point is that you're drunk in the morning.

It's, like, so sexy.

Yeah, I really can't, though.

Like, if I miss class, I can't even turn in my paper.

Ugh, come on.

I mean, have I ever pressured you

Yeah, I mean, I think prom was pretty bad.

Okay, you wouldn't have even gone

if I didn't get my cousin to take you.

Yeah, but I don't want to go to another party, you know,

where I'm just gonna be your wingman and not have any fun.

You know what? You always say no.

But you always end up doing what I say.

But if you won't come to "Kegs and Eggs,"

you at least have to come

Okay, I'll do that. Hi, George.

- Hey, guys. - Oh, my God.

What? I had to do it for the play.

Yeah, but you're not in the play.

You're the prop guy, right?

Prop master,

and the actors had to grow them,

Hey, are you going to the wrap party tonight?

Duh, are you? Yeah.

Hi! Hi.

Hi, Fran and Dia.

Annie, Lauren, I've literally never seen you two apart.

Well, you shouldn't. We're BFFs forever.

- Yeah, double forever. - Mm-hmm.

Um, well, where are you guys coming from?

Human Rights Under International Law.

Yeah, the professor is totally obsessed with Fran,

because she's international.

She thinks I'm the Magna Carta.

Whoa, that sounds insanely hard.

Oh, that's why I love majoring in...

♪ Musical theater ♪

Oh, my God.

Well, you know, the "Oklahoma!" wrap party's tonight.

You guys should come. - I'm--I'm going.

All right, if you're going, then I'll go.

But if anyone tries to do theater at me,

I'm gonna slap them.

Cool, I'll meet you guys at your room.

Jesus! George.

I didn't realize you were there.

Well, it's probably the moustache.

Okay, see you tonight. Bye, you guys.

See ya.

Okay, wow.

I cut 'em too short.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Look at this.

Oh, I'm--I'm looking.

You kinda look like a boy

who became a man overnight.

That actually did happen to me once.

I grew 5 inches one summer. All my bones hurt.

Okay, well, let's make another bone hurt.

Oh.

Baby, no. I am so sweaty.

I don't care. I'm sweaty too.

I want to. We shouldn't.

I told Em we'd go to the grocery store

and get stuff for tonight,

and we gotta get stuff for tomorrow too.

Well, then don't be surprised

if I have a little wet dream tonight.

I cut the boxers too.

You fucking idiot.

Annie.

These are like, a size 6, and they're already getting tight.

I swear this dorm food is making me, like, so fat.

Oh.

You're not fat. I think you look amazing.

Honestly, you're-- you're so tiny.

Maybe, but I still am gonna do a master cleanse.

Like, I just cannot get a gut, you know?

Oh, actually, my mom just sent me

some meal replacement bars,

and they actually really fill you up,

and you can have some if you want.

This is the chocolate brownie,

and I also really like the vanilla,

and they're actually doing a limited edition

cookies and cream.

They're never gonna work.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I don't know.

My mom sent 'em to me, so... - That's, like, 30 grams.

I just stole a pizza from the math building.

It was just on a table with no guard.

Oh, God, I was just saying I can't eat

anything like that anymore.

- Yeah, me too. - Oh, well, more for me.

Is your boyfriend coming tonight?

No, he's at a swim meet.

See, I swear every swimmer I know has, like,

the biggest dick, right?

in tiny trunks.

Oh, my God.

I swear you guys are always talking about big dicks

and all the sizes for 'em or whatever.

Oh, I forgot we shouldn't talk about big dicks

in front of Annie, 'cause she still lives in Virginia.

AKA she's a virgin.

I mean, yeah, I'm a virgin, but I don't even care.

Like, it's--it's fine.

Look, Annie, it's okay if you're scared.

I mean, I totally was the first time.

No, I'm not scared.

Like, I know it'll happen for me at some point,

and then I'll be orgasm queen, but I'm not.

And so until then, I'm the only one of us

who doesn't really know

the experience of being... penetrated.

Hey, guys, I just checked my watch,

and it's party time.

What?

What are you guys talking about?

We're just talking about the fact

that Annie's still a virgin.

- Lauren. - What the hell?

What? You just said you didn't care.

Whoa.

I mean, I am a virgin, but I'm not a prude.

And honestly at this point,

I'm someone who knows all the stuff

and is open but just wants to lose it.

At this point. Or whatever.

- Let's go to the party. - Yeah.

Yes, please. - Yeah.

Lauren, don't tell everyone I'm a virgin.

I'm not, like, proud of it.

Look, Annie, no offense,

but it's not really a big secret.

People can just tell.

And you can't be mad at me for being honest.

I'm not mad.

Okay, Annie, you're first. "The world is your oyster.

Let your clam be your guide." No.

Why is everything in this place seafood themed?

And also, why do people think that clams are pussies?

I mean, what about the clit?

The clit is the pearl.

I asked you to bring a board game,

a social activity.

You said, "Bring the little book."

Let me get to my December 5th birthday.

Wait, seriously?

That's my birthday. I'm December 5th too.

- No way. - I'm dead serious.

- Oh, my God, come here. - Come here.

- My Sagittarius brother. - Oh, I love it.

I knew we were twins... I knew it.

- We're the same height, yeah. - Well, okay, Sagittarius.

You two are aroused by your partner's sexual organs,

which just seems very general to me.

Hmm, I'm actually not even sure about that.

I might have to invite my partner into the house

so that I can kind of solve my curiosity.

- It was nice seeing you guys. - Wow!

Really nice to meet you guys.

You know, you and Fran are both so mischievous.

- It's a bad thing, right? - No, it's fun.

I see why you're friends.

Will...

I like you so much.

So, so much.

It sucks.

But is there...

like, is there a reason why we haven't had sex?

Oh.

Gosh, Annie, that's um...

that's hard.

Well, can we just talk about it?

You know, and--I mean,

like, you can tell me if there's something

that I'm doing that you don't like or...

or if you're not attracted to me.

Annie, no, I'm attracted to you, like, annoyingly so.

I...

I...

it's embarrassing,

but I'm really nervous.

That's not embarrassing. That's sweet.

And I'm nervous too.

Okay, yeah, but you've had more experience.

I...

I've only ever had sex with the one person.

The first person I dated is the person I married,

and I know how insane that sounds, but...

- No. - It's a lot, really fast.

Yeah, well, I mean, there's no rush at all.

And the first time that we have sex,

it doesn't have to be perfect,

because I think we're gonna do it a lot more

than just that one time.

Yeah, I know, I...

thank you.

Thank you for not making me feel like a freak.

No, no, I mean, sometimes I feel like a freak,

because I'm, like, this horny monster

pushing you or something, but...

you know, sometimes a girl's just gotta get railed.

Wow, okay. Yeah.

And, you know, sometimes we'll rail,

and sometimes we'll cuddle,

and sometimes we'll do, like, a solid ten-minute missionary

and call it a damn day.

Well, I mean, I can give you about six minutes missionary.

I'm just saying we have lots of time.

Man, you're good.

This is why I didn't want

to come to a musical theater party.

I told you.

Of course.

How are they not bored by now?

Wait, what happened to Lauren?

She left, like, an hour ago with that guy David.

What? She didn't even tell me.

He had the biggest tattoo of a drama mask I've ever seen.

Oh, no!

She loves that. - Good evening.

Wow.

Would anyone care for some marijuana?

I'm good.

Wow, no moustache.

Yeah, a bunch of us just shaved 'em off

in the kitchen all at once.

Well, I think you look better without it.

I prefer you with it. Yeah, she's right.

How long does it take you to grow a beard?

Surprisingly long time.

This is actually the cool way.

I'm sorry. I think I have to get some water.

I think so too. Yeah.

I'll help you.

I didn't know they were gay.

They're not.

which sucks, but...

I guess I shouldn't say that, 'cause I'm always way off.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I thought you were gay,

but you have a boyfriend, right?

Yeah...

kind of.

I'm sorry.

That was--yeah, I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you.

Ugh, thanks.

It's okay.

Do you really think that I look better

without the moustache?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, don't read anything into this,

but, you know, we're friends, and...

I know you want to lose your virginity.

And I don't think we should date or anything,

but if you want...

I would do it with you.

I have a key to the prop closet, so...

♪ We've got an ear, an ear for what's romance ♪

♪ We've got our ears, our ears trained on you ♪

♪ You watch us sing ♪

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Are--are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I just finished.

Oh.

Oh, but don't you have a condom on?

Right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was just trying to be, you know, like, extra safe.

Oh, yeah, that's probably smart.

I put the condom in the pot,

so I'll get it later.

Um...

that poster says "staring" instead of "starring."

Oh.

Yeah.

Um...

so I'm just gonna lock up.

Somebody's been stealing all the tumbleweeds

from "Oklahoma!"

We're down to one, and it's, like, kind of a problem.

Um... see ya.

Yeah, you're welcome.

We did it every year until high school.

My brother and all my cousins. - Wow.

Yeah, we called it the "Naked Nolan Polar Plunge."

Yeah.

Yeah, it was cold and stupid.

Never do it again, but it was awesome at the time.

I would.

Annie, no, the water has got to be, like, 40 degrees.

Yeah, well, I'm not going in the ocean.

I'm going in the hot tub.

Oh.

Come on.

I don't know if a hot tub qualifies as a "polar plunge."

Okay, Mr. Rules.

Just get in. I promise I won't touch you.

God damn it.

See, this is the mischievousness

that I was talking about.

It's good, right?

Yeah, this is nice.

♪ Just to see some stars ♪

So entertaining to watch.

Okay, well, I got my night snack.

I'm gonna go crash now. - Yeah.

I'm over there.

Yeah, I'm this way.

Good night. - Good night.

See, there you go. I am way off.

Like, I thought we were gonna kiss.

Well, you were right.

Sorry.

I had sex.

With who?

George.

I mean, how do you feel?

Um...

Pretty much the same, honestly.

- Yeah. - But I don't know.

Like, the whole time, I was like,

"I'm having sex. This is sex.

He's in it."

You were saying that out loud?

No, but I was thinking it.

But I don't know.

Like, I can't even fathom doing it naked either.

Okay, so you were fully clothed?

Very.

I just had to take the train that came.

100%.

No, but you will.

You will feel comfortable enough

to be fully naked before you know it.

Wow.

Is it a lot better with someone who you actually, like,

have feelings for?

Mm.

Kind of hard for me to say.

Okay, well, I kissed Dia tonight.

Wow.

Oh, my God. - Yeah.

That's great.

How did it feel?

Good.

It just felt like I'd been holding it back,

and it felt right.

Wow.

Thank you for telling me.

This is between us.

Tonight just enjoy that you, like, made out with Dia.

- Yeah, I will. - Yeah.

And I'm gonna celebrate with some stolen pizza.

Thank God.

Oh, my God.

I kind of like it better room temp.

Absolutely.

Wow, this is a big night for the girls of suite 618.

Mmm. Man.

Fran, why don't you and I ever hang out?

The truth, because your friend Lauren sucks.

She's... pretty bad.

She sucks.

Ohh.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Hi. - Hi.

What?

♪ Baby, I can help you out ♪

♪ You got something ♪

♪ And baby if it all works out ♪

♪ We got something so sweet ♪

♪ She elevates my world ♪

♪ She elevates my world, my world, my world ♪

♪ 22 floors up ♪

♪ I'm high, it's like a drug ♪

♪ She's my elevator girl ♪

♪ Elevator girl ♪

It's hard to see you with pants.

I know. I think jorts are me now.

We did it.

Yes. - It was horny.

It was sweet. It was good.

It was hornily good. - Oh.

I'm so happy for you, and I knew this would happen.

- How was your night? - Good.

I actually have some news as well.

Em and I are gonna move in together.

But don't worry. It's all gonna be fine.

We can sort it out.

Of course, yes. Congrats.

Thank you.

♪ Can't you see what everybody wants from you ♪

♪ For they don't know how to live ♪

♪ Run the alleys ♪

♪ Casually ♪

♪ Cruel ♪

♪ Cruel ♪

♪ Bodies ♪

♪ Can't you see what everybody wants from you? ♪

♪ If you could want that too ♪

♪ They could take or leave you ♪

♪ So they took you, and they left you ♪

♪ How could they be ♪

♪ Casually? ♪