Original subtitles

Hey.

Hi, Nick. Can you hear me?

Yeah. Where are you?

Um, I'm, like, 200 miles east of Portland,

and I just drove past a boulder

with a dick spray painted on it, so...

Right. Yeah, no, I know that spot.

Yeah.

Um, well, I'm probably not gonna have service

for the rest of the day,

so I just wanted to double-check

that we were on for dinner tonight.

Yeah. And hey, this time,

I'm gonna pass out on your couch.

Yeah, very humiliating for me.

Thank you. Um...

Oh, shit.

I'm... I'm getting a work call, actually.

I-I'll see you tonight, though. Bye.

All right.

Are you there? How is it?

Um, well, I'm almost to the Picket Ranch,

and... I-I would say the vibe is kind of intense.

Um, yeah, do you have any tips for not getting murdered?

Annie, the Pickets aren't serial killers.

They're separatists.

They just want to be left alone.

Yeah, I know,

I'm, like, driving onto their property,

and I'm gonna write an article about them.

So, uh... what's your angle?

Um, well, I think, you know,

everybody always talks about the dad, Gus,

but now that he's in prison, it's actually the mom, Clara,

who's, like, running everything.

Ooh, spicy.

Oh, damn. Oh, boy.

Oh, okay. I think I'm here.

Okay. Stay neutral.

Then they won't get defensive. They'll open up.

That's when you'll get your best quotes.

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that, right?

Oh, god. Annie?

I think--I think the road just kind of stops.

Annie, are you there?

Andy?

Andy?

Shit.

Hi.

Uh, I'm here to meet Clara Picket.

Okay.

Sorry. I've never been on one of these.

So I'm gonna grab on there.

Okay.

And just give me one of these.

Okay. Okay.

Um... is it okay if I put my hands on your back here?

Little support from a child.

Okay.

Whoa.

All right.

So I'm good to leave my car there?

I will. Okay.

♪ ...who is over 13

♪ To tell you about the things and places he's seen ♪

♪ If he tell you something about women ♪

♪ You haven't known

♪ You can attribute...

- Howdy, ma'am. - Hi.

Okay. Wow.

Thank you.

Hello.

I'm Annie Easton, from The Thorn.

The reporter, huh? What do you think, Gus?

Doesn't look like a reporter to me.

Looks more like FBI.

Could be.

You FBI, little lady?

We're just fucking with you.

Okay. Good.

What was that one we really liked?

Um... Hey, I'm A Fatty.

Yeah, that was real good.

and turns out she was just pregnant.

Oh.

Well, uh, congrats.

Come on inside.

Oh, congratulations.

♪ Let this blessed

♪ Assurance control

- ♪ It is well ♪ - ♪ It is well

♪ With my soul ♪ With my soul

♪ It is well

♪ It is well with my soul

Okay. Yes.

Wow, very good singing, and very fun to have a twin

that you can sing with as well.

Thank you, girls. You're dismissed.

We've had some problems with reporters in the past.

and think they know what we're all about.

Yeah, well, I'm not like that.

I-I really, um... I understand what it feels like

to be judged by appearances, so...

Hmm.

Well, then maybe you'll give us a fair shake.

We just want to tell our story,

and it's a shame that Gus isn't here to tell his.

Yes, it is.

Um... well, maybe that's a good place to start.

I know that your husband was involved in a standoff

with federal agents near the Idaho border.

Why don't you let me show you around first?

You know, Gus always says you can't really know a man

until you see where he hangs his jeans.

Yeah. That's, um...

that's a new-- new--new phrase for me,

but lots of new stuff is happening.

So good.

So you've never made a fuck tape,

like, not even just yourself jerking off?

It's honestly never appealed to me before,

but we have been operating at such a sexual peak recently

that I kind of want to see

Yeah, like, for posterity.

I mean, our grandchildren could watch this one day.

Okay.

So what kind of pre-production will this entail?

I'm glad you asked.

So, first, we're gonna take off our pants.

Oh. - Okay?

Then we're gonna go down into the basement.

And we're gonna get Fernando's strobe light.

I don't think that I want my landlord

involved in our pornography. - Why?

I have a feeling that we fulfill his greatest dreams.

Tough luck, Fernando.

So when are we doing this?

- You free right now? - I'm actually busy right now,

but I could pencil you in next week.

Okay.

- Right now? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Good.

I met Gus at a penny slot machine in Reno.

To this day, I keep those pennies in my purse.

Aww...

Well, Gus is a real man. When you find a real man,

you have to follow him to the ends of the Earth.

Yeah, well, it's taken me 28 years to find a man

that'll just take me to Seattle.

You're funny, huh?

No. No.

I like funny people.

Yeah, I'm a clown.

That man is hilarious.

I can see that. It's... yeah.

I'm getting the giggles

from his... face and, um, energy.

This is our little mom-and-pop shop.

Wow.

After Gus Senior got arrested,

I started selling a few items online to pay the legal fees.

Oh. "Free Big Daddy," huh?

He is one big old daddy.

Hi. You want to show me something?

Oh...

So the guns.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah, Junior, you show that lying media.

Does your husband ever take you out shooting, Ms. Easton?

Oh, I-I don't have a husband. Um...

I have--there's this guy Nick.

And we--I don't know, we like each other,

but we're taking it slow, so...

How slow?

Um, just like... I don't know.

I think it was gonna happen.

And then I got wasted.

[chuckles] Nice.

Yes. And, um, I don't know.

We just haven't had, like, the right moment,

and we're... you know, the timing hasn't been right.

Junior, get our friend Annie here set up with the Luger.

Oh, no thank you. I'm--

It's all right. Junior will be next to you

the whole time.

Um... okay.

Arms straight.

Feet apart. - Okay.

Good stance.

See the target. - Mm-hmm.

Pull the trigger.

Sorry. I'm really scared.

There are two kinds of people in the world,

Ms. Easton, those who talk a big game

and those who get it done. Now which are you?

One... two... three.

Oh, holy shit!

Oh, my God!

This feels fucking amazing!

I love this! - Oh! Whoa! Hey! - Sorry!

I'm sorry! I don't know.

Mmm... mmm.

Oh, my gosh.

This corn salad is amazing.

It's, like, making me believe in God.

Um... well, not to ruin our afternoon,

but could I maybe ask you some questions now?

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Okay. Give me everything you got.

Okay.

All right.

So let's start with the standoff.

Um,

when Gus Senior was on that bridge,

what were you feeling?

Scared. But he had to do it.

He was standing up to tyrannical forces,

so I also felt... grateful.

But now he's in prison,

potentially for a very long time.

Yes, in prison for his beliefs.

Same thing they did to Martin Luther King,

but for some reason,

I don't know if it was exactly the same thing,

but it's interesting that you bring up race,

because I know Mr. Picket

gave a statement about Black Lives Matter.

- Do you want more corn salad? - No, I'm done.

Um... I think he said, uh,

Black people have had more freedom

under slavery than they do now.

I believe he was exaggerating to make a point.

So you don't agree with Gus's statement,

or you do?

Okay.

Let's talk about the larger separatist movement,

which is ultimately filled with nationalists,

alt-right, and even white supremacists.

Would you and your husband ever consider

condemning something like that publicly?

Move on, or we can end this right now.

Then let's talk about you, Clara.

You're clearly a very capable person.

So why is it that Gus Senior gets all the credit

when you clearly do a lot of the work

and have a lot of the ideas?

That is my choice.

And it is really none of your business.

- Okay. - What about you, Annie?

Are you free?

Almost 30, alone,

sitting around waiting for some boy to call.

Well, thankfully, this piece isn't about me.

You call yourself a feminist, but you can't accept

that most women don't want what you're selling.

I have a family. I have love, a purpose.

What do you have, Annie?

Ah, maybe someday you'll figure it all out,

find something to be proud of besides your abortion.

Um... all right. Well, my next question--

No more questions. We're done.

Sonya!

Here, for taking the time to drive all the way out here.

Just eat around the arsenic.

Well, I choose to take this pie home with me

just like I choose what I do to my body,

which may or may not be to eat this pie later.

So... - Okay.

- Thank you. - I'll get you a ride.

Holy shit.

Holy shit. Oh...

Whoo!

Oh, you want to talk shit about me?

Oh, bad news, bitch!

I'm a huge fucking bitch too!

Okay? And I don't give a fuck!

Whoo!

♪ What? You said it was mine ♪

♪ What? You said it was mine ♪

♪ Oh, what? You said it was mine ♪

♪ What? You said it was mine ♪

- Oh, you're home. - Yeah.

I was running late because I had to interview

this very scary ranch woman,

and now Nick is gonna be here in 20 minutes.

Oh, my, so this is a sexual pasta?

Mm, yeah, I mean, I'm still pumping

all the adrenaline from earlier today,

so... I don't know. I think tonight is the night.

You know, I'm gonna pull the trigger

and Second Amendment my putty.

Second Amendment. That's the one

where the army can't set up shop in your house?

Okay. I think the sauce is done.

So that gives me exactly 20 minutes

to shave my pubes into, like, a little triangle.

Oh, cute.

Well, I will stay out of your way.

We're having a little viewing party upstairs.

- Yeah, what are you watching? - Films.

With a lot of Gatorade?

Hell yeah.

I know that that's your horny fuel.

Is it? Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Thirsty.

This was incredible.

I mean, it was amazing, at least.

Uh... can I clear the plates?

No! No, no, no.

You... you just relax. You're the guest.

And I have to take the plates. That's 'cause I'm the woman.

You know, that's what I learned on the ranch.

Sounds like they got it figured out.

- I don't know about that. - So I'm kind of...

So I'm kind of feeling like maybe we should start a ranch?

- Us? Yeah. - Yeah.

No, that's why I brought you here.

Okay. So we'll invest in some animals.

We got to get a bunch of stuff.

We're gonna have to have a whole shed

just to keep all our stuff.

- Mm-hmm. - And, of course, for us,

I mean, we gotta have a... log cabin.

Okay, but you have to be

the one who, like, builds it,

I'm pregnant with triplets, I think.

Ooh...

That you just, like,

blasted right off into me, you know?

Okay. Okay.

I mean, you kind of made it nasty, but...

Well, this is a nasty- positive space, I think.

Okay. All right.

I, um...

Sorry.

What?

I... nothing.

What? - No, nothing.

Um... here, I'll... I'll take our plates.

And I'll get you some of that racist rancher's pie.

All right. I'll think of something else nasty to say.

Okay.

Okay.

Are you ready to watch our masterpiece?

Yeah, I'm ready.

- Okay. - I'm scared.

Hmm...

Why do our faces look like that?

I don't know.

Look how fucking mad I look.

What's wrong with me? What's my problem?

I think... I think skip this bit, maybe.

Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of...

There's other bits.

Okay. Okay.

Can we switch? - Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Thanks, mate.

I just, like...

Okay, okay.

Oh... yeah.

Yes, ma'am.

Did you say, "Yes, ma'am"?

No, I said, yes... mmm.

Yes, ma'am.

I... I heard it again,

and it sounds like I said, "Yes, ma'am."

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

I was under the impression

And this is the worst!

That's what I sound like.

And I'm, like, you do that, and I'm still attracted.

- You're enjoying it. - I'm horny for it.

Which is disgusting.

You can tell I'm horny for it, little freak.

Emily, I love you.

I love you too.

I love you a lot.

♪ I can save myself myself ♪

♪ I don't need your company, baby ♪

♪ But I could really use it now ♪

The apples...

- Oh, my God. - Whoa.

We made a good pie this year. Thank you, Annie Easton,

for teaching us so many lessons...

- You gotta stop. - You g--okay.

Um... this is so nice.

And, you know, I was thinking the other day, like,

I realized every guy that I've ever hung out with

in, like, any extended period of time

has always been very...

like, stupid, I guess. Um...

And I can proudly say that you're not stupid.

You're--you're actually great.

That's good.

It's good. It's good.

Um, and I think...

I don't know. I'll just say

what I'm actually trying to say,

which is, um...

I like you.

And I think you're good,

like, very good, and smart and funny.

And I um...

I don't know. I would like to be with you,

if you wanted to try being with me.

And, you know, we could just see what would happen,

but it's also...

You know, I understand.

So, I guess, anyway,

I've said this in the most backwards way,

but there it is.

- Very flattering, Annie. - Oh...

And, I mean, you are awesome. I just don't see you that way.

Okay. - Yeah.

I'm sorry. - No, I'm so sorry.

I...

I'm so, so sorry.

No, no. It's okay. It's fine.

I, uh... so okay.

Then... then why did you invite me over on Saturday

at one o'clock in the morning?

Right.

- You know? - Yeah, right.

I don't know is the thing.

I-I don't have a good reason.

What did you think was gonna happen?

Uh... I don't know.

Do I have to think something's gonna happen?

I don't know.

You, for real, are, like, my favorite person

that I've met in a long time.

And this is great.

Are you mad at me?

No. I'm not mad, um...

but what the fuck is wrong with you?

Like, you put out a vibe. You have to admit that.

- I put out a vibe? - Yes, you do.

You, like, ask me to breakfast.

You text me all the fucking time,

including little, like, heart emojis and shit.

I send those to everyone.

You know, I send my mom heart emojis.

Okay. Well, then your mom

probably thinks that you want to fuck her too.

You're upset.

No. I'm actually not upset.

I just wish that you would be honest about that, like,

you were part of this too.

I think it's possible that you've infused a lot

of meaning into everything we've done.

Okay, thank you. I've thought about it.

Please get the fuck out.

Come in.

Can I just be in here with you guys?

Baby...

He said no.

Oh...

I'm so humiliated.

I know that I'm interrupting something.

I'm sorry.

We just said I love you.

That's so good.

I love you guys.

- Aww. - Oh.

I think I'm in a wet spot.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

I love you guys.

I love you too.

♪ When you're hard to find

♪ Gonna gather strength give you all my mind ♪

♪ Wanna show my love all the time ♪

♪ Wanna hold you close and let you lie ♪

♪ You

♪ True

♪ You