Original subtitles

All I'm saying is, if there's poison ivy,

I'm a dead man.

Andy, I swear to God,

I promise you.

- Hi. - Hey.

with Brain Camp,

but, uh, do you hate me?

Oh, my God, I was gonna ask you the same question.

I'm serious.

of a raccoon that's getting married,

but I didn't because I thought that you hated me.

No, I'm--

I'm sorry that I got so pissed last night.

I think when I saw Will,

I just fixated on that we were both fat,

and I think dating's just bringing up,

like, a lot of my old body-issue shit,

so I'm sorry.

Got it, but all I was thinking is that,

Annie's great, and Will is great,

and wouldn't it be great if they got together

and had a baby that wanted to be my friend one day?

We could hang out.

Mm-hmm, well,

is Will okay?

Yeah. Yeah, he's totally fine.

I don't know. We don't talk about that stuff.

We really try to keep it very toxic and masculine.

- Yeah, toxic. Good, good. - Yeah, very toxic.

You want to forget about it and just hug it out?

- Yes, please. - Thank God.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

A boss should not be hugging an employee like that,

especially when he's got a rock-hard weenie in his jeans.

Wow, you can really take anything nice

and make it truly vile. - Thank you.

♪ They just don't understand me ♪

♪ All those boys, they got it wrong ♪

♪ They just don't understand me ♪

Everybody, I got an announcement to make.

Fuck. Um...

um, because we're not going to the cabins.

- What? - Wait.

I am being serious. I know. I know.

Instead, this year, we're trying

a new less-expensive approach,

so Brain Cabin is actually gonna be

right here at The Thorn!

That's not Brain Cabin. That's Brain Jail.

Please tell me there's still gonna be a party sub.

Please. Please.

Uh, Maureen, I'm sorry,

but it was the party sub or health insurance.

You made the wrong choice, bro!

Well, I bet he made the right choice, right?

'Cause look at this.

Right? Look.

Kind of--kind of cool.

Kind of fun.

Kind of different sitting on the floor at work.

Yeah, it's gonna be new and different...

when I shoot myself... - This sucks!

In the fucking head.

And this is the gallery space.

Right here's where we do that sort of, like,

retail pop-up thing I was telling you about.

And these are chairs. They spin.

And this is your chair right here.

It also spins.

And it is all yours!

Until 4:00 when the other stylist comes in.

Do you have any clients booked?

Only my best and most loyal.

It's my first day, so I want to ease in,

but I'm generally very effortless and charming,

so I think I'll be fine.

Well, you're very lucky

'cause you're gonna be working

next to one of our very, very best.

India, say hi.

India?

She acts better than everybody else

because she is.

She did Mary J. Blige's hair

in 2014.

Hey. I'm Fran.

I don't talk to strangers.

Got it.

Amazing.

Oh, okay, uh, guys, two minutes left.

There's two minutes left.

Remember, 25 issue concepts.

The weirder, the better.

Everybody here is very, very weird,

so just do that on purpose now for your jobs, all right?

Morning!

Sorry I'm late for your lame non-retreat,

but I was picking up copies

of the new BridgeTownmagazine.

Cool! I just got the latest issue ofCemetery Woman.

I don't care, Maureen.

Has anyone seen

the "29 Under 29" list?

Two ofThe Thorn'svery own are on it.

We've got Calendar Cody! - Hey.

And Regular Annie.

Wow!

Oh, my God. Thank you.

See? The Thornis not dead yet.

And I was actually

on a "5 Under 5" list when I was a little bit smaller,

but don't let that dampen your enthusiasm.

Excuse me. Move. Whoa.

They called me "Portland's King of Banana Bread."

Can I see?

For sure-- Hey. Wait, wait, wait.

One sec. I mean--

Oh, it says, um,

"Annie Easton's writing takes on big, fat issues.

"We are absolutely body positive

"that she has a bright future.

The biggest thing about her"... Okay.

"Is her talent." - Okay, that's good.

Oh, you want it? Yes.

You know what? I'll just... take it.

Okay, I think we get it, right?

So we can just probably get back to Brain Jail.

Yeah, uh, okay, everyone, 30 seconds left.

Final push,

so if you got something weird, write it down.

Ricochet, can I ask you something?

- Yeah. - How do I get her to like me?

Oh, India?

No, India doesn't like.

What do you mean?

I've been working with her for five years.

Watch this.

Hey! Hey, India!

Hey, Little Miss!

Whoo! L...

That is the best interaction we've ever had,

and I'm her boss.

where I'm not universally admired and beloved.

Oh, no, see, I think you've been working from home

for way too long.

She treats me like shit,

Well, I can't accept it.

I have to be her friend.

Or at the very least, an internet acquaintance.

See, I feel like

you came to me,

asking me for advice.

Right? - Mm-hmm.

And I gave you my advice.

And now it seems like you're just gonna do

whatever you want.

So I'm used to it.

Oh.

Gerald?

Fuck off.

Okay, so next up is Pitch a Pal.

That's where you pitch an idea for an article

for somebody else to write.

It's kind of like a Yankee Swap,

but for your noggin.

Sorry that I said "noggin."

Um, who wants to go first?

I'll go, I guess.

Um, Angus?

I pitch that you write an autobiographical piece

about your personal obsession with twincest.

I'll, uh, think about it.

Oh, I got a pitch.

Oh.

about this thing called Fat Girl Hiking Club.

Maybe you could write a feature about them.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass on that one,

but if anyone has any pitches that aren't about fat stuff,

I would be very into those.

All right, I got a pitch for Andy about--

Dude, I don't need the leper's hand.

How about we do something on that crazy cowboy family,

the Pickets?

- The separatists? - Yeah.

The wack jobs that took over the bridge?

Are we sure we want to put them inThe Thorn?

Controversy used to be whatThe Thornwas about.

I'll do it.

Oh. Would you?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let me see if I can envision

the Annie version of that.

Let's see.

"Wowza!

"Badass Girl Reporter Gets Her Head Blown Off

by Yahoo Yo-yos."

Yeah, well, I would like the chance

to write something different,

and not just "Big Girl Hot Dog Party"

over and over again.

Wow, I appreciate the steeliness

behind your nastiness.

Andy, will you give her my pitch?

Well, I did do my doctoral thesis

in separatist communities, but, uh...

yeah, I think Annie should go for it.

Thanks.

I think it'll be great.

I don't know.

I mean, is it too short?

Is it uneven on the side?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It doesn't look right.

Oh, my God. I love your hair.

It's very London.

It's very Piccadilly,

very Camden,

very Hackney.

- Really? - Yeah, it's very posh.

Like the Spice.

Well, thank you.

You really are the best, India.

What the hell?

- Do you think? - Yeah.

I mean, maybe not.

- No. - I just feel like--

I'm just--I'm...

I'm sorry. Can you give me a second?

Hey, Gerald,

is that a new hat?

It's really awful, and it's very distracting.

It tells me you're a bad person.

Keep sweeping.

Happy fucking birthday.

Okay.

Now, do you want a seltzer?

Ja, danke schon.

Ich habe Durst.

- Excuse me? - What the shit is that?

It's German.

I've been trying to get Reggie to use it in bed,

and the only word that he seems to remember

is "schnauzer."

I guess I didn't realize that you and Reggie from distro

were, like, dating.

Oh, yeah. And he--he proposed.

And I had to say no

because he's just my O.D.D.

What does that mean?

On demand dick.

Long. Long, long, long dick.

- Reggie's big? - No, not big. Long.

Wow, you go girl.

What happened to the distro guy

that you were dating?

I broke up with him.

I just had to break up with my boyfriend, too.

Oh, no.

I forced him to get a haircut,

and, uh, when it grew back,

it looked like complete shit, and I hated that,

so we just had to end things.

- That's not your fault. - Thank you. I know.

I think sometimes relationships are just so hard,

and I feel like maybe crushes are just more fun.

- Yes. - I have a crush on someone.

Wait. Who?

This guy Nick.

He's very, very cute.

That's so great. And he likes you, too?

I think so?

But I don't know.

We haven't had, like, the thing

that pushes it over the edge to, like, kiss

or say something or whatever-- I don't know.

But, like, honestly, you got to think about this.

You are "29 Under 29."

That's the top 29 people in the world.

Yeah. Hear me out.

Look at us. There's three of us.

We are all single,

we're all incredibly stupid,

and we're bitches.

Why don't we go out tonight after Brain Jail?

We can get really hot,

and you can make Nick or whoever jealous.

Right?

I'm in!

Auf jeden fall!

Tonight's gonna be good.

Fran, do you have to be somewhere?

Sorry, it's just that I lose the chair at 4:00.

I'm used to working at my house,

where I can take my time.

You can come back tomorrow.

With half my hair done?

Fran, I have a job.

Hi. I'm India.

I'ma help Fran finish up here.

India, thank you.

Seriously. - Don't mention it.

Okay, don't push it.

You don't push it.

Oh!

Hi, my girl.

How was your first day of work, my girl?

Does everyone love you, my girl?

I had to turn on my inherent British charm,

but in the end, I am best friends with everyone.

Of course.

So now you're the queen of hair.

And I'm "29 Under 29, Fat Hotties with Naughty Bodies."

Wow.

Well, how should we celebrate our big work moves?

Em's seeing their parents tonight,

so a part of me feels like

we should melt cheese onto potatoes.

Okay, or--

and hear me out here--

we get very dressed up,

Okay, as a horny girl, I'm very interested.

Okay, see, I told Maureen and Ruthie from work

that I would go and meet guys with them.

Wow. Demented. I'm in.

- You are? - Yeah.

Oh, thank God!

Maybe I'll be hetero tonight.

Excuse me?

You know, maybe my name's Jen.

- Oh. - I'm from Mary-land.

Okay, Maryland, and...

that's the fanciest Maryland's ever sounded.

Yeah, I drive a Toyota.

I think that's the vibe.

That's the vibe, no doubt.

Tonight's gonna be insane.

Girls' night!

Girls' night!

♪ Yeah, tell him I do what I want ♪

♪ Don't really care what it costs ♪

♪ I got him down on his knees ♪

♪ He want to be with a boss ♪

♪ I just go buy him a ring ♪

♪ I let him drive in my car ♪

♪ Better behave before you get nothing at all ♪

Hmm...

Um, there's nobody here.

No, that's--that's not true.

There's, uh, a couple of older gentlemen

wearing hats from the wars that they fought in.

Sorry, my step-grandpa recommended this place.

Well, what should we do?

Get one drink?

I'll maybe get us a table?

Uh, no table! We have to be up.

We still have to be approachable.

Why am I so much better at being straight than you?

Okay, we have to present, like this.

See? Just like--

There's a little sign over there

Well, I'm gonna have five of those.

Cheers!

Ladies, I've got an idea.

Yes, Maureen.

When there are no good guys at the bar,

as women, we must dance.

Ooh, this is "The Electric Slide."

I sang this for my eighth-grade recital.

Come on. Let's dance.

♪ You can't see it ♪

♪ It's electric ♪

♪ You got to feel it ♪

♪ It's electric ♪

Whoo!

♪ Ooh, it's shakin' ♪

♪ It's electric ♪ Whoo!

♪ Jiggle-a-mesa-cara, she's a pumpin' like a matic ♪

♪ She's a movin' like electric ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

What is this? A Dove ad?

What?

Well, you just got a fat girl

and a blonde girl and a Black girl

and a Chinese...

No. Absolutely fucking not.

No. Fuck off. Don't talk to us like that.

See? I told you guys earlier.

People mistake me as Chinese all the time.

And just so you know, I'm pure French.

You're fools! All of you!

Hey-- - Disgusting.

Well, I was just complimenting your--

Say it again, motherfucker! Call me blonde again!

Should we just go home?

Fuck, no. We can't go home.

We still have to get a photo of you that's so hot,

it makes Nick's jeans hurt.

Oh, God. Get up.

- Really? - Yep, we're doing this.

Give me your phone. - Okay, what do I need to do?

A hand on hip, and a resting--there.

Okay, now tit-- titties, that way.

Titty this way? Yep, and smize.

You're an angel.

face up a little bit? Great. One tit up, one tit down.

And then we're gonna open the mouth,

so he know that's where the penis go.

Oh, okay. Just a little--yeah.

A little bit. Okay.

I think we got it. I got the shot.

Yeah, that's hot. - Oh, my God.

You need to post it now. Post it!

Oh, my God. Okay.

Variety's the spice of life.

I posted. Yes!

- Hey! - And guess what.

As a reward, let's go get some food.

- Hey, can you help me down? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. You're so wet.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, well, I don't want anything.

Just make sure you order stuff that only I like

so that I can eat all of it.

Hey, guys.

Did you take our dips?

Uh, no. These are our dips.

Really, because

the dips on your trays

seem to say that you took all the dips that there are,

and you didn't leave any for me and my cute friends.

And I'm one of the friends, too.

Well, we could share dips.

Oh, my God! You guys are so sweet.

Thank you.

That was really good flirting.

♪ We are gonna talk to boys ♪

Hey, look, I have tater teeth.

Okay.

Okay, well, Dylan, Maureen,

you guys need to stop flirting,

and you need to start sharing that cheese dip.

Please, please. So sorry.

Oh, my God. Nick just texted me.

What? Really? - I don't know who Nick is.

But he seems important. - Oh, yeah.

Tell me about it, hon.

He screenshotted the photo that I posted,

and he sent a little heart eye emoji.

Let me see. I want to see it!

Wow, well, you need to text him back.

What? Text him back now.

Okay. What do I say?

Wait. Okay, so you got to--

you got to text him, all caps,

say, "Help, help, help!

Help, my pussy has not been smashed today."

I can't say that.

You can say whatever you want.

Okay, what if I say... Yeah?

"I was just thinking of you"?

No! No way.

Why does everyone hate that? I think that's good.

Just say, "What are you doing?"

Just whatever, like you don't even care.

Yeah, yeah. "Thank you for saying that."

- I sent it. - And now we wait.

That's a phrase I made up.

No! He just responded so fast!

He said, "Nothing.

Want to come over?"

Okay! It is time for you to go.

And this is why you got to listen to me

when I say these things.

This is it, hon. - I got to go.

I'm proud of you. You can do it.

Enjoy it. - Oh, no.

What?

No, that's what men like!

- Do you think? - Water, chug it.

Chug the water. And then bring tots.

Tater tots. You got to build your base, baby.

Bread. Give the girl some bread.

And then take one for the road.

I think I got it. I got it!

Yeah, you do. - That's my girl.

You got it, okay? 'Cause you are a sex whore.

Sex whore. Sex whore.

Sex whore. Who's giving out?

Sex whore.

Sex whore. Sex whore.

I got a pad on, and it's filled with green stuff.

Hmm, yes.

- Hey. - Hi.

- That was fast. - Mm-hmm.

You know, my Lyft driver ran a bunch of red lights,

and I was like, "Whatever."

Oh.

Uh, you look... wow.

- Mm. - Where were you?

Just kind of out.

Out and out.

Well, it sounds dangerous.

I think it was.

You should come in for a, you know...

Hide out for a second. - Yeah, I'm scared.

You probably got cops after you.

Oh, God.

This is so nice.

- Do you want to go in? - Yes, I do.

Oh, you got stairs.

- Got a whole one stairs there. - Yes.

- Okay. Okay. - I'm okay.

My shoes are really high.

Oh, shit!

I'm sorry. - Okay.

- Oh! Oh, crap. - Oh, okay. Okay.

You look great. - It's just my shoes.

You look beautiful.

I'ma take them off. Let's get those off.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, wait, I need this. There we go.

Okay. Let me help you up.

Come on.

Let's...

Oh, okay. All right.

Mm-mm.

Oh! Where are you taking me?

I'm gonna have you go sit on this couch right here.

That looks like a bed.

Well, go ahead and sit on the bed, then.

- Okay. - Let's have a seat.

All right, you hang out for one second.

Wait.

Wait, where are you going?

I'm gonna get you some water.

Okay.

Okay.

♪ You make me feel like ♪

♪ I'm dancing ♪

♪ Wake me up... ♪

♪ Just like you like ♪

♪ Just like you like ♪

♪ Just like you like ♪

Sir?

Wake up.

Could you please go now?

Oh, no.

It finally happened.

Pussy so good, he died.

♪ It's electric ♪

♪ You can't see it ♪

♪ It's electric ♪

♪ You got to feel it ♪

♪ It's electric ♪

♪ Ooh, it's shakin' ♪

♪ It's electric ♪

♪ Jiggle-a-mesa-cara, she's a pumpin' like a matic ♪

♪ She's a movin' like electric ♪

♪ You got to know it ♪

♪ It's electric, boogie, woogie, woogie ♪

♪ Now you can't hold it ♪

♪ It's electric, boogie, woogie, woogie ♪

♪ But you know it's there ♪

♪ Here, there, and everywhere ♪

♪ Yeah ♪