Original subtitles

I love you. I've known for a while now.

I love you, too.

Fuck!

Annie begged for her job back.

For the millionth time, Fran is a lesbian.

So? You can be a lesbian and marry a man.

I don't need to figure things out.

I like what I'm doing with my life.

I did not raise you this way.

- Are you okay? - No.

Annie! - Ryan?

I got a job here, too.

a one-time-only fucking-at-work experience.

What? Are you serious?

It's like an intellectual salon.

Oh, my God, yes. I know about them.

You're in?

Annie, this is Nick.

Nick's probably the best illustrator

Sheila, I want to introduce you

Hello, I'm Fat. That piece blew my mind.

I'm not that cool.

What?

I'm sorry.

Let's get right to it.

No boys allowed?

to take your protégé out for lunch.

Guys, I've gathered you here,

best friends and most importantly

no one I've ever fucked.

Let's get fuckin' wasted and blow up some fucking fireworks.

I'm trying to tell you I like you.

I like you a lot.

I don't want to be your mom.

I want an adult. Like, I want a real partner.

- Are you breaking up with me? - Actually, yes, I am.

What are you gonna do now?

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You're so fuckin' sexy.

- I'm gonna fuck you all night. - Then do it.

♪ I know love is a drug ♪

♪ I know money is a drug ♪

♪ I know sex can be a drug ♪

♪ But I just want to be touched ♪

♪ I know love is a drug ♪

♪ I know money is a drug ♪

♪ I know sex can be a drug ♪

♪ But I just want to be touched ♪

♪ I start to-- ♪

Um...

I--

did you--did you just--

where'd it go?

It's right there.

Oh.

Okay, I didn't realize 'cause it was--it's--

Yeah. - Just a drop.

You can say it.

I cum small loads.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. Goddamn it.

It's--it's totally fine.

I'm sure I got a old napkin

or something I can wipe it with.

Here. Use this.

Oh, well this is my skirt.

♪ I know money is a drug ♪

♪ I know sex can be a drug ♪

♪ But I just want to be touched ♪

I cum small 'cause I take Propecia

'cause I'm afraid of going bald.

I used to cum huge ropes before, just--

Oh, yeah. It's--it's totally fine.

And I believe you about...

your ropes.

Thanks. Yeah.

And I actually think it's better in a lot of ways

because cum is disgusting.

It's very gross, so.

You think it's gross?

Well, um, no.

No, I don't think it's-- I've--I--I love it.

I love it and I...

I always want more of it.

Um.

Joe, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Okay.

- I'm sorry. - No.

I just got a complex, you know?

My mom says I gotta find a wife before all my hair falls out.

I'm scared of missing my window

and ending up this alone,

bald, unfuckable guy.

Well, I'm here because I think you're fuckable.

And I think your hair looks good.

Thanks.

You know...

you got a lot of hair.

You got, like, too much of this stuff.

I know.

I feel like maybe you'd only need a little bit of Propecia.

Where do you think? There? Here?

- Okay. - Right up here.

And it's a pill that I put on my head?

Okay.

Did I say something wrong? Is this--

No, no, I, um-- I just--no.

I'm not that naked with that many people.

And I felt like we were maybe moving out of hookup world

into, like, joke world,

so I thought I might put my shirt back on.

Oh, yeah. Totally.

Shirts on, butts out.

Yeah, it's just--

I just broke up with my boyfriend, like, two months ago

and, you know, dating other people is fun,

but, like, sex can be kind of wonky.

I don't know. We're doing good, though.

You're here, I'm here, we're here for each other, so.

It's so hot when you talk to me like a marriage counselor.

Do you want to maybe keep this going?

I don't know. Have another drink, reset?

Yeah.

Mm, mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God. So good. - Mm-hmm.

Really. Like heavenly, honestly.

Maybe the rib of an angel? Yeah.

Once the angel turns three, you take it out,

shoot it in the head and that's how you get a rib.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- I like it when you do that. - What?

Just a little look.

- Where are you taking me? - Just going to the couch.

♪ And get them moving 'round ♪

♪ Spend all day staring at screens ♪

♪ I think I've had enough ♪

Whoa.

- What? - Fuck.

What did I do?

I mean, you just went fully for my butthole

and I just met you, like, five hours ago.

- I was going for the vagina. - But from behind?

What do you think, my clit's in my ass?

No.

They're close to each other, right?

I don't think they're that close.

I would say they're, like, miles apart.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was just confidently trying to go down there and--

I'm sorry,

It's just a little.

Okay, I don't want barbecue sauce in my asshole.

Okay. It's not hot sauce, though.

This is not gonna burn you.

This is just brown sugar and ketchup.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Do you even know what a girl wants?

I know what a girl wants.

I know clitoris stuff, I know--

I even know about the nipple stuff.

- Okay, God. - I know about that stuff.

Uh...

Joe?

Uh, Joe? I'm sorry.

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad.

It's, like, 4:00 a.m., okay? So I think I'm gonna go.

No, don't go! Please!

You said you're here for me!

Uh, yes, and I--I get that.

I just--you know,

I understand it's hard to put yourself out there

and I've been there, too.

Okay, good. So you'll stay.

Yes. I--I will. I'm--

I'm here, okay?

Um, I want you to have these, though.

Oh, thank you.

Um...

well, I'm gonna go

Yeah.

Um...

is it always this bad?

Dating?

No.

This was unusually awful.

I can't believe you're firing me.

We're just reducing your hours.

Think about it like this.

Who doesn't love a long weekend, huh?

Well, I guess this will give me more time

to work on my novel.

If I lose my job, I'm screwed.

Hey, listen. It's going to be okay, Maureen.

Your life is already so bad, so depressing, mediocre.

Maybe to the untrained eye,

but I actually have it going on.

Uh, listen.

It might be a blessing in disguise.

Who?

But remember, it's not personal, okay?

Everybody's taking some cuts.

Thanks.

- Mm-hmm, yeah. - Great.

Uh...

your job's safe.

Are you kidding me? You're Sheila's golden girl.

She said that your articles are bringing in all the clicks.

But, um, keep this quiet

because you and I are the only two people

whose hours aren't getting cut.

Oh, no.

They had a big meeting with the board last night

and they decided that the only way to keep the paper going

were brutal cutbacks.

What? Are you okay?

Yeah.

Well, I'm annoyed

Wow.

He gets to be fun dad still and I gotta be mean mom.

No, don't say that. You're a really nice mom.

Thank you for believing in me.

Okay, well, we're gonna

- Sure. - Could you take Angus's desk?

What am I supposed to use?

Oh, set up by the printer table.

Right in the middle of all the action, bud.

Cool.

You're creepy good at this.

- I'm just creepy. - Yeah.

That was incredible.

Really. Thank you for your service.

It's my honor.

I feel like I know all your little spots now

so I can get that done in, like, three minutes.

It's my gift.

Oh, Jesus. It's 1:00.

I have a new client coming at 1:30.

I have to get out of bed.

Or maybe she could lie in between us

and you could cut her hair here.

Mm, no. That's not gonna work.

'Cause I need your full weight on me.

Okay.

Get ready for it.

Well, there goes our health insurance.

Just when I was gonna get a new neck.

This sucks.

What am I supposed to do with all this free time?

Have sex with my nympho wife?

Hey, guys.

Uh, I just want to say I know these cuts are so hard

and I truly, truly hate it.

Yeah, we know you're fine, Annie,

so don't lie to our face.

Attention!

Attention, everyone. Please.

Please gather round.

This kind of thing-- layoffs, cutbacks...

Ugh.

- They're always disheartening. - Mm-hmm.

Makes you want to give up, doesn't it?

But believe me when I tell you

that good things can still happen.

Yeah.

Many of you have been aware

Small-town boy becomes underground glam rock demigod

and eventually, cultural policymaker,

power broker, and sage.

After a prolonged bidding war,

my book has been sold to a major publishing house.

Whoo!

And they said gay men can't write books.

Gabe, this is not a good time for this.

Amani, we're a team.

My financial success is everyone's financial success.

So do we get some of the money?

I like that. I like levity. Me, too.

I'm like a salmon, you guys.

I've been moving upstream for a long time against haters,

against saboteurs, against...

curvy, young writers with anger issues.

But nevertheless, I have prevailed

and I will continue to spawn.

- Spawn. - So let's just--

huh?

What the hell was that? I thought you two were good.

Yeah. So did I.

Angus.

Angus, do I look okay? It's Nick.

Who cares?

Annie, Annie, Annie, you remember Nick, right?

From Gabe's party?

No, I don't-- I don't remember you at all.

Oh, hurtful. Very hurtful.

'Cause I remember you.

You do?

Good, I--I--I-- I do remember you, too.

And thanks for hand-delivering that.

That's very sweet.

Yes. This fucking rules.

- Love it. - Wow, look at that.

- This is you, actually. - Me?

Yeah, did you catch that? You were my muse on this one.

Yeah, that looks-- that's exactly me

and then that's the, um,

the skeleton that I puke every day of my life.

I mean, I notice the little things.

Cool.

I gotta do that weekly phone call with Sheila.

Okay, Mr. Big Boss Working Guy That's Gonna Blow Me Off.

Yeah, what the heck? Are you Mr. Working Guy?

Yes, sir. Day and night?

Annie, you wanna grab a coffee?

I think--I think that I can.

Yes, I would-- I would get a coffee.

Oh. Do you need to check, or?

No, I'm okay.

No? - I'm sorry.

I didn't see anything. Mr. Boss, baby?

Mr. Big Boss Man?

- You wanna do it? - Yeah.

Oh, shit. I forgot my purse.

Ugh.

No.

How--how would you possibly know

that banana's gonna be better than s'mores?

I'm just very good at picking stuff.

- Uh, like your boyfriend? - Mm, wow.

Sorry. No, like, bearded shorts.

The good thing is we broke up.

So.

He's gone.

It's actually fine.

Actually, me and my girlfriend of six years

just broke up, so.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Are you seeing anyone else?

No.

I mean yeah, but not really.

Like, kinda dating but also

I think I just want to be single.

Dating is a--it's a lot.

I went on a date last night and the man did sort of ejaculate

a tiny, tiny dew drop onto my--

Oh, my--oh. - Onto my arm.

No. Just--only this, though.

Just a tiny...

Is that normal? No.

I mean, this is normal.

That seems like a lot, no?

And if you're me, you're like,

Shake out a cherry.

Wow, I think you need to go to the doctor.

So that he can give you a big prize.

both:

I gotta go. I gotta get to this meeting.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do I look okay?

Do I look like I'm, like, fucked up on milkshake?

No, no, you look-- you look good.

Um, do I look okay?

I don't have a meeting. I more just want to know.

One, um, thing.

You had a string on your skirt.

Now, you're perfect.

Okay.

Well, um, do you have your phone?

We kind of know each other now.

Like, we don't have to go through Amadi, you know?

Like, I'll put my number in here

and now, you can text me.

Okay. I will.

All right, bye. Bye, Annie.

Bye.

♪ Never meant for all of this ♪

♪ Never meant for you to love ♪

♪ Never meant for you to try ♪

So yeah, with first-time clients,

where you want to go with your hair.

Yeah. I brought some inspiration.

This is what I'm thinking.

Okay, well, I mean, this is Bob Marley.

- Didn't know who he was. - Okay.

But you wanted dreadlocks like Bob Marley?

Yeah, I think I could, like, really pull that off.

Don't you think I can pull it off?

I don't, um, but it's not really about that.

Don't know if you ever heard of the term

cultural appropriation before?

Oh, I love culture.

I went to Berlin once

Yeah, mm-hmm, I'm sure they did.

Um, okay.

If I were to wear my hair in dreadlocks

and I went in to work, say, in an office,

I would get told to wear my hair straight

to look more professional.

That would be really cute.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, yeah.

Um, you're not getting it.

Wait, what? Why?

Um, I tried to explain, but you weren't listening,

so let's just end this now.

What is happening?

Oh, it's nothing personal.

It's just that we hate you here.

- Bye, Sienna. - Come on.

Thanks so much for coming in.

Please hurry up.

Let's go. Boom, boom, boom.

Hi!

Oh...

kay.

Fran, are you okay?

I will be.

The rib is healing me.

But I honestly can't talk about it anymore.

I want to talk about the crying rib man.

Oh, well honestly, the barbecue butthole

was, like, the most boring part of my day

because Nick came to my office and then we hung out.

Illustrator Nick?

Yes. What happened?

See, I knew you had the horniest vibe.

I mean, it just happened, like, we hung out.

And then at the end,

he bit a string off of my skirt.

I could, like, feel his breath on my thigh.

Okay, that's some feral dog shit.

That's horny as hell.

These are brilliant ribs, and that is excellent gossip.

I know, I think I've creamed my jeans,

like, a medical amount today

and now I have to throw away my car.

So what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna laser-focus on Nick?

Um, I don't know.

I like him a lot, but maybe it's too soon.

Like, I feel like I've only been single for five minutes.

You've been single for two months.

That's forever. - Here's what you're gonna do.

Oh, okay.

We've got a plan.

that you're kind of cooking on low right now.

This is the guy you really like,

Of course. That's Nick.

And meanwhile, you've got all these other,

little tasting pots, okay?

- Like butt finger guy. - Mm-hmm.

And the little tasting pots? Those ones you can fuck.

And that's what I did with Fran.

I low-cooked Fran until the time was right.

Well, I was your butt finger guy.

You're my butt finger everything.

No, this is-- this is too beautiful.

I can't be here for this. This is too romantic.

Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs and lay down

and I have to go to the gynecologist

at 7:30 in the morning, so.

Smart to schedule it first thing in the morning

while the pussy's fresh.

I think so.

that I have barbecue sauce on my anus?

She will know.

- Oh, she'll taste it. - Excuse me?

Oh, is that not how pap smears work in America?

Oh.

Always good to see you, sweetie.

Sit tight and the doctor will be in in a minute.

Okay. Thanks, Carla.

so you'll be seeing Dr. Montevista today.

She's very nice.

Oh, wow, okay. Nobody told me that.

We only have to tell you if it's a man.

Okay.

Everything looks good.

We'll call you with your pap results when they come in.

Okay, thank you.

And I'm sure Dr. Lai-Shen's mentioned this to you before,

but you should think about gastric bypass.

You're at a good age for it.

Getting bariatric surgery.

For your weight.

It's not healthy and that might be

the most realistic solution.

Okay, um, but we didn't do, like,

any bloodwork or anything today.

Isn't that something that maybe you should look at

before you recommend a major surgery?

I don't need to do bloodwork to know

that your overall health will be improved by losing weight.

It's just a fact.

Okay.

Well, I'm not interested in the surgery.

Okay.

Have a good day.

Oh, shit.

Hey.

Hey, that was fuckin' fucked up!

You're gonna look at me for ten minutes

and tell me to cut my stomach out?

How is that medically ethical?

You're a bad person. You're a bad fuckin' person.

Fuck you. Fuck you!

♪ I walked on ♪

♪ The light inside my head went dead ♪

♪ I turned off ♪

♪ I wish myself the best ♪

♪ But I'm broken ♪