Original subtitles

♪ I still like looking out windows ♪

Thank you so much for driving me today.

I'm like so nervous, I ca--

can't stop burping, you know?

Annie, it's okay.

I don't care.

Do you wanna just skip it?

What?

So you don't feel nervous anymore.

I mean, we could go fuck in the woods,

and it's a perfect plan.

You know this is fucking big for me.

This is WAHAM. - Right.

But you keep saying that,

and I'm not sure I know what it means.

What's that again? - The WAHAM conference.

Women Are Having A Moment.

Ah.

It--it's "female business empowerment conference

to empower women in business."

And I finally don't have to cover municipal zoning

or whatever, so I mean this is a good thing.

Yeah, I get that.

I just wish we could hang out all day

like we used to when we both didn't have jobs.

I miss you. - Yeah, well I miss you, too,

but you know what could be another hot option?

Yeah?

We could both have jobs.

You're saying I should get a job.

Maybe.

Um, no, you're right.

I'll see what I can figure out.

Fuck, that was the turn!

Wait, that was the turn?

- Yes! - Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

♪ Work it, work it, yep ♪

♪ Work it ♪

♪ Work it ♪

At WAHAM, we empower women

to succeed in business.

Every single vendor you see here today

has used the WAHAM Steps to Success

to make their lady boss dreams come true.

I was the youngest female CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Women are having a moment. This is WAHAM.

Thank you to our corporate sponsors.

Press kit, goody bag. Have a great WAHAM.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Annie Easton from "The Thorn."

Um, I'm a little bit late, uh,

'cause my boyfriend missed the exit,

but we don't need to get into the whole ordeal of it,

and you don't care so.

Here are your credentials,

and you missed your interview slot with Justine,

but you can catch her keynote at 3:00.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you say I missed the interview slot?

Yeah, it was a ten-minute slot.

Um, is there any way I could even just get,

like, one minute with Justine?

Because, really, there's no article unless I talk to her,

so I don't have anything to write about.

There's nothing that I can do.

I'm sorry. - Hey.

I don't mind squeezing her in.

Oh, it's you!

Yes, yes, of course!

Um, do--do we have time?

Uh, five minutes.

Or, like two minutes, we do. - Okay, we'll take it.

We'll take what we have.

Okay, let's do it, come on!

- Cool. - Okay, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! So where are you from?

Oh, I-I'm from here. I'm from Portland.

If we're gonna go, let's go. Come on.

You literally saved me back there.

I honestly felt ill.

Oh, my gosh, well, if a few minutes of my time can help you,

we gotta do it.

Plus, I love your blouse so I was already on board.

Oh, well, thank you. Yeah, um--

Yeah, I found this designer online,

'cause it's always, I don't know,

it's such a hunt to find cool clothes for fat women.

Wow, I love how you say that word: "fat."

I don't know that I would say... that.

Oh, I mean, yeah, I don't mind saying it.

I'm fat. It's just true, you know?

I'm not afraid of it, it's just a descriptor so.

That is so powerful.

I--I love that.

- Oh, well, thank you. - Last question.

Oh, oh, I actually haven't asked any questions yet.

Oh, okay, so then your first question

will be your last question.

Okay, um, okay.

So I was surprised to see that tickets to this event

start at $300, and...

I know that part of WAHAM's mission statement

is lifting up every woman, but

can you really do that

if the price point is so inaccessible?

Um, so I've thought about this quite a bit,

and we offer sponsorships for low-income women,

so they can attend free of charge.

- Got it. - So we've kind of already

got that all figured out,

so I have to go, but, um, thank you for coming.

Okay.

Can I get a little bag of apricots?

- Mmm, great. - Thanks, Annie.

I don't know, meet with one of the low-income women

who was sponsored?

She couldn't make it 'cause she couldn't get off work.

But enjoy the day. That badge gets you a water.

- Selfies! - All right, beautiful ladies,

♪ Work it ♪

Hey!

♪ I'm gonna fight like a girl ♪

Ooh, those are guns.

♪ Fire in my soul ♪ - Oh.

Attention attendees.

the panel "How to Have it All and More"

starts in ten minutes.

- Hey, there. - Hi.

Like what you see?

Yeah, yeah, these are like, uh, little sculptures.

Thank you.

I always felt that there was something

- Oh. - Then I created my own

dream vibrators that are beautiful

and powerful.

Yeah, yeah. And they're $150?

You're worth it.

Orgasms are self-care.

I mean, do you want to cum?

Or do you want to arrive?

Oh.

Probably both.

Cheers. Ding.

These conferences are almost exclusively

how I connect with the clientele.

It's helped us grow in an exponential way.

And these women, they're so supportive.

Wow, and so, what exactly is your business?

- Oh, makeup for your legs. - Oh.

Like to cover the gross skin on your legs.

And so is that a big problem for most women?

Yeah. Maybe the biggest.

I mean, for years I was suffering from, like,

disgusting leg skin.

Yeah, and so then, do people use this every day?

Yeah, once it's part of your routine, it's totally easy.

You just have to wait 30 minutes after application

to put your pants on.

and then put pants on?

'Cause no one will see it.

Yeah, but you'll have the confidence

of a woman whose disgusting leg skin is covered up.

Honestly, it's so much fun.

I think you should try it. - Oh.

- May I? - Oh, wow, sure.

Ooh. - That's good.

Yeah, your legs are taking the makeup beautifully.

I'm gonna do your feet too. - Oh.

Okay?

Spread those toes. - Oh!

Fuck. Chub rub.

Hey, WAHAM! Go tag the business queen

in your life using the hashtag "biz queen"

to enter to win a free collagen water.

Oh, my God.

43% to 87% of women are holding back tears.

No. Which is the bathroom?

♪ Everyone dancing to the beat of a new drum ♪

♪ Baby girl, come on, baby girl, come on ♪

Okay.

Fuck!

Uh, are you okay in there?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just--it's chub rub,

you know?

And I was in such a rush this morning

I forgot to put on my shorts.

Ugh, chub rub, that's the worst.

Ugh. Let me see if I have anything.

Ah, okay! I got a bunch of Band-Aids.

Oh, I will take it. Thank you.

That happened to me once at Disneyland.

I started crying in the line for Space Mountain.

My kids were so freaked out.

Mulan asked if I was okay!

Oh, God.

Yeah, I feel like with the leg makeup

and the burning thighs,

I may need to get the hell outta here.

Oh, no.

Do you not like WAHAM?

Oh, I mean, it's really impressive,

and it's--it's so big, um,

I just--I'm not sure that I, like, "get it," you know?

Connie's been to 11.

Oh. Why?

I mean it might sound silly, but where I grew up, you know,

girl power and feminism and that stuff

weren't such a big thing, you know?

I just didn't know much about it.

Honestly, same for me.

Plus, I love to network and engage.

Okay, what does that mean?

Networking and engaging is just a lie we tell our husbands

so we can come hang out with our friends.

Okay, well, that makes sense.

That makes sense.

Thanks for the Band-Aids. - Of course.

Oh, my God, did I tell you about my son's therapist?

The one with the big juicy ass?

I'm gonna tell you again.

♪ This is a revolution ♪

Ho, ho!

Hey, hey! - What's up, baby!

Hey, you guys!

- Dude, remember? - Oh, the Casio!

Yes! Ha, ha!

Come on, man, move it.

Go fuck yourself.

Come on, go.

Let's go.

- Go! - Hey, take it easy!

We're having a meeting. We're buddies.

Sorry you have to go to work. Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

- Yeah! - Yeah, baby!

Where you going? - What?

- Smoke cigarette at the mall! - Yeah.

That sounds cool!

Yeah, Ryan, dude. We will see you again!

Yes, yes, you will.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Whoo!

Fuck yeah.

Here's your free t-shirt.

Please put it on before the keynote begins.

Oh, uh, well, this won't fit me.

It's a small. - Oh, sure it will.

Do you maybe have, like, a double XL, or--

No, but we do have a generous medium.

They are huge.

It's like a dress on me.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

What up, what up, WAHAM?

Hey!

Let's get everybody up! Get up, yeah!

Everyone up out of your chair!

Okay, seriously, everyone does have to get up.

All right, because Justine's not gonna come out

until we're all up with those t-shirts on.

All right, and we are participating actively.

We're smiling.

Here we go. Give it up for Justine Kylie!

This is our moment! This is WAHAM!

Please sit down.

With every book, every seminar,

every connection you make here,

we are turning the boardroom into the broad room.

Now, I remember being the only young woman at my company,

and I remember the moment they hired another female executive,

and a man said to me,

"Looks like you finally got some competition."

And compete with her I did...

Till I got her fired.

Now guess what?

That woman that I got fired is here today.

Give it up for Rebecca!

Fuck.

You look so incredible. How do you do it?

Well, I wake up at 4:00 a.m.,

I run five miles a day,

and I haven't touched bread in 20 years.

Ah!

Except on 9/11 'cause I really needed it.

Okay, who's next?

Hi, Justine. I'm Connie.

Oh, Connie girl, good to see you again.

Thank you, um,

I quit business school when I had my daughter,

and I love being a stay at home mom,

but when my husband got laid off,

I had to figure out a way to provide,

you know, not just for my daughter...

But for myself.

I...

I needed something more.

So...

I started a stationary company

out of my garage,

but most importantly, coming to these events

have given me some of my best friendships.

Women who've seen me through all of it,

so, I just wanted to say thank you and thank you.

Sorry. No, no, thank you.

Let's give it up for Connie, everybody.

All right, everybody! Up, up, up!

Whoo!

Work it, like Sandra over there

who's here making hats for breast cancer patients.

Yes, you go, hat goddess!

All right, dance that feeling

when you smash the glass ceiling!

Whoo!

Yes, yes, yes. Okay.

Everybody be your damn self like Annie over here!

Who looks amazing

even though it's hard to find clothes in her size.

Work it, fat bitch!

Whoo, yes! Whoo!

Are you sure you don't want any of this stuff?

Yeah, I stole it for you guys.

"Ashwagandha." I think this cures cancer

or it makes your bush fall out, or something.

Oh, shit, I want that,

I mean, I hate all of this stuff, but I also want it.

Is that wrong?

Oh, my God.

Bonkers!

This thing'll break your clit off.

I think it's made of real marble.

Yeah, so you can feel like

you're fucking the statue of David.

Okay, thank you.

You don't need to make fun of my research.

All right, I'm a journalist,

and Gabe wants this piece to be good.

That's why I have to write up this thing tonight,

'cause I have to go meet up with my mom

for our big talk tomorrow.

Are you still pissed at her?

Yeah, I am.

But I'm just gonna try and level with her

the way you did with your mom.

No, we just got to a breaking point

where we had to be very real with each other,

but now we're good.

And she texts me, like, 200 times a day.

You know what I mean?

Maybe I'll give her this to soften the blow.

Or this? - Ooh.

I think this is da winner.

Ooh, I gotta knight your ass. Ding, ding.

You know, I put some of that snake oil on my crow's feet,

and I think it's actually making a difference.

Yeah, totally.

Um, Mom, could we talk?

Sure, you know I love girl talk.

Yeah.

Um, well, this isn't easy,

but I just feel like I never really got any answers

as to, like, why you went to Vancouver.

Oh, please, there's nothing to tell.

Yeah, I know you said that,

but I-I feel like obviously there is, right?

And, um, you know, I feel like before you left

we were, like, having some very real talks,

and it would be great if we could, like, do that again.

Well, I don't know, honey. We talk all the time.

We're talking right now!

I know, I know.

But Mom, I'm serious.

Like, I want us to try

and be able to be honest with each other, you know?

Is that Vera? - Oh, Margot!

Annie you remember our neighbor, Margot.

Yeah, hi.

Margot, what happened to your neck?

Oh, well, you know my adult son Jeffery,

the one that's a virgin.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, um, he used to babysit me.

That's right.

Well, Jeffery rammed me with his truck.

Oh, he rammed you?

Well, it was an accident,

but he rammed me so hard I about popped my head off.

Oh.

You know, a poor guy like Jeff,

he never had a girlfriend, he never had a dollar,

and he rammed right into his mama.

Right into my rear end.

My trunk is completely trashed.

Well, what's so funny?

Oh, um--

Annie told me a very funny joke right before you walked up.

Yeah.

Oh, well, tell me Annie.

I could really use a laugh right now.

I don't--I can't.

It's--you gotta tell it, Mom.

You--you got it.

What's, uh, the last thing that you want to hear

after you've given Willie Nelson a blowjob?

What?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

Oh, I guess I just don't get it.

Maybe Jeffery will.

See you soon, Vera.

I think Jeffery will get it.

Oh, my God, where did that come from?

- Your Dad's friend Ron. - Oh, no!

Oh, Annie,

I don't laugh with anyone like I laugh with you.

Oh, my God.

Okay, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh--

so you're firing me because I don't like Andy?

Nobody like Andy!

You suck, dude!

Look, man, I'm firing you

because you sliced his tires,

He is!

Yeah, y-you think I don't agree with you?

You think I like Andy?

Come on, man. I've got kids.

If you fire me, I'll have to be with 'em all day.

That sucks, man, but look, he went to HR.

Okay? My hands are tied.

T-there's nothing I can do.

Hey, come on, man. Are you all right?

We were friends. Does that not matter to you?

It matters to me. I'm so--

Keep your head up, dude. You don't have to do that.

Um, hey everyone.

Uh, I just wanted to take a moment

to say that today is a very special day.

It is officially, Amadi's first firing, so--

Ruthie.

Let's--let's-- let's give it up.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Ruthie.

- ♪ Happy bir-- - Hey, Amadi.

Hey.

without feeling like shit?

Could you do me a favor?

Could you tell Annie that her article is boring and soulless?

No, that's creative. That's your department.

What? Fuck you. I said it was a favor.

All right, easy. God.

All right, send her in when she gets here.

Yeah. God damn.

♪ Feliz Navidad to you ♪

I mean, Annie,

clearly, what you wrote sucks.

It's terrible. It's boring.

Well, you're the one who told me not to editorialize.

You wrote the word "She-E-O" without irony or commentary.

Are you dead?

What do you really feel about this Woman Moment thing?

You, Annie. I don't know.

It was, um...

Inspiring, I guess?

And demented. - "Demented, I guess?"

What've you been hanging out in the Clackamas Town Center?

What's with this jargon?

I--it just--it made me think that there's a reason

that men don't need to be, like,

constantly told that they're powerful.

It's because they're in power. - Okay, and with women?

And women, I mean, we're, like,

screaming in huge pink letters that we're powerful

just to try and convince ourselves, you know?

And--and all the statistics that they gave

about how bad things are for women,

it's, like, it's a thousand times worse

if you're a woman who can't afford

to be slathered in $100 oils.

Okay. So it's a con.

Yes, but there were also all these women there

who were genuinely really getting something out of it.

But to me, it just felt like it was about money.

Okay. We're getting somewhere.

Monetizing feminism. Right?

Yes, exactly, and women are made to feel so insecure

and then each insecurity

- It's sad. - Yes.

And all day, all they talked about was self-care,

but it's not taking care of yourself

to agree that you're ugly and you need to be fixed.

Okay.

if you strip everything away here?

What's an example?

Well, I mean, if I'm being honest, like,

the first thing that I think of

is my abortion, you know?

I mean, that was care.

I had to in the moment evaluate what I wanted,

and take care of myself,

Well, thanks for telling me.

I mean, this is totally your call,

but you could, you know, put that in the article.

Yeah, I mean I'm--I'm not afraid to, it's just the truth.

Well, then go do it.

Okay. Great.

Yeah.

Thanks, Gabe, I actually feel like we really, like,

worked it out together in a nice way--

Yeah, let's not stretch this out.

Yeah, totally. Really ruin it.

Okay, well, um, thank you so much.

And um, this--really awesome.

Really, really, really great.

Wow, sounds like it went really great in there.

Yeah, it actually really did. It was great.

Well, just know that if you try and replace me

as Gabe's best girl,

I'm gonna go to your desk and find something

that means a lot to you,

and I'm gonna bludgeon you to death with it.

Very cool. Holy shit!

Yeah.

- Ryan? - Annie!

I got a job! - What?

I got a job here too.

Yeah, he said that you were askin' him to get a job,

and we had an opening, so.

I'm officially a distro guy now.

Um, that's...

That's great.

Come here. Come on.

- Oh, yes. - Ho-ho-hey-hey!

Oh, fuck. I don't think--

Not in the office! [sighs] Sorry.

Privacy of your own home, go nuts.

Of course.

Oh. Mmm.

All right, guys, let's fill this paperwork out.

See you soon. - Mm-hmm.

Nosies. This is so fun.

Let's go!

Yeah!

♪ Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya ♪

♪ Never been in love before ♪

♪ What the fuck are fucking feelings, yo? ♪

♪ Once upon a time, I was a ho ♪

♪ I don't even wanna ho no mo' ♪

♪ Got you something from the liquor store ♪

♪ Little bit of Lizzo and some Mo ♪

♪ Tryna open up a little mo' ♪

♪ Sorry if my heart a little slow ♪

♪ I thought that I didn't care ♪

♪ I thought I was love-impaired ♪

♪ But baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm gon' do ♪

♪ I'm cryin' 'cause I love you ♪

♪ Oh ♪