Original subtitles

OK, I’m gonna have that one.

OK, I’m gonna have that one,

and also that one that you picked right now.

- What?! - Hmm.

Oh, man. I cannot wait for Lamar to get here.

Oh, my God, me too.

Turns out it’s actually not that nice, getting dumped,

but at least my brother is coming, because he has to love me.

Yeah. I do think of all of your family, he is my favorite.

He’s here!

I’m here!

- Hey! - Yay!

- Annie, this is for you. - Oh, my gosh.

- Fancy. Ooh! - Wrapped it myself.

You’re gonna like it.

Oh, my God!

- This is perfect! - Jackpot.

Some chocolate turtles and a rock?

Yeah. Do you not remember junior year when Lamar visited us,

and you passed out, we got locked out...

Yeah, and then me and Annie ended up going for this walk

and we wound up sittin’ on this bridge...

And were throwing rocks down into the water,

- and I can confirm to you... - This is where she starts lying.

...100% certainty, Lamar killed a turtle.

No. No, I didn’t. Not 100%. It was a can.

I hear rock hit shell, shell shatter,

and a turtle scream, "No!"

- It was a can. - OK, I’m sorry. You know that you did it.

OK, yeah, yeah. Very fun turtle murder memory.

- What’d you get for me? - Here we go. This is for you, sis.

- Codeine. - Yeah.

Thank you. I mean, this is actually quite a good gift.

When you used to visit us in college, you would make playlists as presents.

I mean, I was 15. Come on, that’s what 15-year-olds do, right?

Yeah, mashups,

but wasn’t one called "Jams To Smash To:

A Musical Experience by Lamar"?

The funny thing is, I hadn’t smashed yet at all,

so it was very aspirational.

- And you still haven’t smashed. - I have smashed. I’ve smashed a lot.

- Still not smashed. - I’m smashing all over the place.

- Smash hits. - Why do I have to get a notification

every time that this monster comments on my article?

- What’s he saying now? - He wrote,

"Eat shit, which I know you will, because you’ll eat anything."

And then he just wrote, "Pig fuck tit bitch cum hog."

What the...

Nobody gets to call you "pig fuck tit bitch cum hog" but me.

That’s so nice.

♪ Candy overflowing

♪ My love sugarcoated

♪ I can’t resist this high taste ♪

♪ I can’t resist this sweet race no more ♪

Kim? Where’s Kim? I want her to hear this.

Kim! Where the fuck are you at, ho?!

Ruthie, I’m right here. And we’ve talked about the "ho" thing. I don’t--

- Um, she’s right here. - OK, great. A little announcement.

I’m throwing a reception this Friday evening.

We’re turning the hallway into a gallery

to celebrate an exciting new artist on the Portland art scene.

I discovered him. The artist is my husband, Tony.

Thank you.

They say looking at his work makes you feel like you fucked God.

And I mean that literally.

I’m kidding, Andy. I know you’re religious.

- Well, I’m spiritual. - Great. Whatever.

There’s gonna be an open bar, I want you all to bring partners, dates, whatever.

OK, so please dress like you’ve been to New York at some point in your life.

OK, that’ll be all. I’ll see you all there.

And please, people, try to arrive by horse-drawn carriage

and make sure that your butler is washed, because this is not Fresno.

You’re really channeling Gabe in this moment.

- It’s like he’s sitting here. - Thank you.

Are you actually gonna bring... someone to this party?

Oh, yeah. I’m bringin’ Cindy. This is like revenge for that time

she made me see her brother’s one-man show about being middle class.

I guess if you’re bringing Cindy, I might bring Ryan.

Wait. The hardware story guy?

- Mm-hmm. Mm... - Is it getting serious?

Everybody get down! There’s someone getting actively dicked!

- She’s getting dick. - God, OK.

Yes, I am getting dick.

I’m getting mouth, I’m getting hand, I’m getting heart.

I’m getting all of him, and we’re a little bit of a thing, OK?

- OK, what is the dick like? - It’s pretty straightforward,

like a classic American dick.

- What does American mean to you? - Like Ford tough.

- Aw, Annie got some game. - Mm-mm-mm.

I’m bringing my neighbor Wayne. He’s 18 years old, and he’s horny as fuck.

Ryan’s horny as fuck too, so maybe they can hang.

- Hey. - Hey there.

- What’s up? - Shabbat Shalom!

Oh, fuck! No!

- Oh, shit. Sorry. - Come on.

Sorry. What’s up? How ya doin’?

Hey. Um, I was just calling because my boss

is having this dumb work thing on Friday,

and I was kinda thinking you could come with me.

- There’s gonna be an open bar. - Oh, awesome.

That sounds cool.

Is there gonna be a bartender? Do we have to tip him?

I mean, if we do, I can.

I guess this kind of makes it our second official date?

- Yeah. That’s a big deal. - Mm-hmm.

Right on. Well, I’m gonna put it on my calendar right when we hang up.

OK. Good. I’m-- I’m excited.

Oh, hey! Were you gonna show me your tits earlier?

Y-Yes, I was.

But I feel that maybe now the moment has passed, so...

Right. Of course. Cool.

I will see them on Friday.

- Bye! - Bye.

- Hi! - Hey! It’s my Annie and Frannie!

Oh, wow, and the famous Lamar.

Hey, man. Thanks for having me. Fran says how good you’ve been to her.

- She’s like our second daughter. - Well, don’t feel like

you have to stop playing. It’s so nice!

- Go on, play away! Please. - OK.

Hey, why don’t you get out your oboe? We’ll jam a little bit.

- No, no, no, no. No. - What’s this about an oboe?

- This is a "no oboe" zone. - Come on!

- No-boe. - No-boe zone.

So you must be Lamar.

I’m Vera. Welcome.

- Oh! - Thank you for having me.

Oh, so nice to meet you.

- The party can start. - It can.

I’m a little worried about cooking for a chef.

Don’t be worried. Don’t be worried about it.

Just some Beef Wellington’ll be fine.

- Something simple, ya know. - Oh. Is that hard?

Yeah, it’s pretty hard.

And last but not least,

- Bill’s special plate. - Oh, my God.

What is that?

Well, I’ve been helping him out with his diet since the surgery.

And you’re serving him the very thing

that they removed from his body?

- Yeah, I thought it looked familiar. - Yes!

OK, yeah, here we go.

But I’m just trying to do everything I can to keep you healthy.

So what’s the latest with you, Fran? Are you still seeing someone?

- I actually just got dumped. - What?!

You’ll find someone else soon. The gals love you.

You know, I wish Annie would play the field like you do.

OK. I--

I actually-- I do play the field.

You’ve never brought anyone up to me.

OK. Well, actually I’m seeing someone.

- What? Who? - Who?

I hope it’s not a Richie Turner situation.

Who’s Richie Turner?

We definitely don’t need to go down the Richie Turner road right now.

He was this boy in high school that Annie had such a huge crush on

it was painful! They would-- Oh, God.

Night after night , they were on the phone all the time...

But the thing is, he would just talk to her

all about the girls he had crushes on,

which made you very upset, Annie.

No, no, he liked Annie. He liked Annie.

- Well-- - Yeah.

Well, he still lives in the neighborhood.

Why don’t we go settle this once and for all?

Yeah.

Well, this isn’t that, so...

I guess I just don’t want you to get into some kind of...

unrequited thing.

OK, well, this is not unrequited.

OK? His name is Ryan, he’s very tall,

he’s... going with me to a work thing this week.

- It’s very requited. - OK.

Well, let’s drink to Annie’s boyfriend!

- And Annie’s first article. - Yes, to that, to that.

- And to Richie Turner! - Yes.

Who is never not in the Safeway parking lot.

- It’s true.

- He’s always in that parking lot! - He lives there.

Good for him!

So thank you so much. Please, explore, explore, explore!

Have fun, but remember: it is responsible feminist art,

so not too much fun, OK?

- Annie. Tony. - Oh, hi!

- So great to meet you. - Wow.

Annie’s been generating a lot of hits with that article she wrote

about hitting up the strip club.

Oh, my goodness, I love that piece!

Thank you. Thank you so much!

You know, actually, Gabe, speaking of my article,

I was wondering, is there a way to turn off the comment notifications?

Because I get one every time someone posts,

and there’s this one guy in particular who will not stop,

- and it’s getting kinda rough. - You have a troll.

That’s great!

Oh. Oh, thank you.

I mean, actually, it feels very, very bad.

And I know we don’t moderate comments,

but I was wondering if maybe there was a way to just--

Discourse is clicks. If you moderate an audience,

they just shut down, and then we shut down.

It just, it feels weird to do nothing.

Oh.

I’m so sorry, are we done here? Because I hear my name.

I think someone-- I have to go explain the art.

- Very keen, the ear. - Cool.

Thank you.

- Annie! What’s up? - There she is!

Yeah. Where’s your guy?

He’s not here. And I don’t know why,

- and it really sucks. - Are you guys talking

about Annie’s fake boyfriend?

- No. Yeah. - This is Wayne.

- This is my real boyfriend. - Hey.

Annie, you don’t have to be embarrassed, OK?

- I’ve made up fake boyfriends before. - Me too.

When Amadi and I first started dating,

he thought I was in a very serious relationship with this guy from my work.

- But nope, I totally made him up. - Oh, my God.

Colin Greenstein is fake? The guy who invented yoga pants?

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?

- You know that it wasn’t real! - I didn’t know that.

OK, well, Ryan’s not fake. So...

Um, I’m gonna just get some air.

Hey, we were looking for you. Are you OK?

Is this about that guy?

Yeah. Yeah, I just--

I don’t know, he didn’t even call me.

And...

I don’t know, I just...

I wanted him to be a part of, like, my actual life,

- and he couldn’t do it. - OK.

I think you need to see other people. So if I know of a guy, can I set you up?

I mean... yes.

But, like, you have someone in mind, or...?

I have guys in mind all the time,

but I can’t do anything about it, so someone else might as well do it.

- Really? - Yes!

I got married super-young, so I never got to fuck around,

you know what I mean? So now,

there’s a guy at the deli where I get my bagel

with the egg salad, and, like, his arm,

when he’s scooping the egg salad, do you know what I mean,

- it’s like, this part right here... - Yeah.

My point is that I got so hot from it last week

that I had to go to my car and masturbate afterwards!

Oh, my God. Wow.

Here’s my point-- you need to fuck some dudes.

- Oof. Really? - Yes.

And you know what? Fuck this loser. He’s done.

I’m done, you’re done, he’s done.

Yeah, you’re right. Like, I’m never gonna text him or call him

or go to his house ever again.

Ryan?

I use Alpha Brain,

but anything with L-Tyrosine in it,

that shit’ll get you focused like bzzzt!

- Pete. - Annie?

Hey! You made it! Fuck, yeah!

Yeah. What exactly did I make?

Pencil fight.

- All right, settle down!

Come on, settle down!

Settle down! Everybody! If you want to place your bets, OK,

you bet through my man Boris right here.

- You can bet on me to win... - Yeah!

- Kayla to win... - Yeah!

Who wants to see me

kick Ryan’s ass?

- Not gonna happen.

Kick that ass, girl!

What is this shit?

Oh, I mean, it’s a pencil-fighting tournament.

- Play until a pencil breaks. - I’m not taking it easy on her.

Lots of strategy. Oh, and it’s egalitarian

because women can compete fully against men.

Cool.

All right, here we go.

Aaaaah! Yeah!

- I am victorious!

Whoo!

I own you! I own you!

- Yeah! Ha ha ha ha! - Oh, man.

Whoo!

Yeah, man! Yes!

Oh. Shit.

Annie.

Hey.

- Pretty cool, right? - Yeah.

Yeah. Have you not seen my texts?

Because my work thing was tonight, remember?

What? Shit. But wait, I--

Yeah, yeah, and you stood me up,

and everyone had their person there except for me,

and it was really fuckin’ embarrassing.

Ryan, I have to run. I told Marnie I’d cover for her.

Oh, no, that’s cool. Thanks for comin’ by. I appreciate it.

Sorry I had to kick your ass or whatever.

- And I’m sorry you loved it.

- Yeah. - All right, good to see you. OK.

OK.

Bye!

Look, Annie...

- Are you fucking her? - We have.

- But not today. - Yeah.

OK.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I feel insane. What is going on?

I mean... she’s in the rotation?

- I don’t know what else to say. - "In the rotation"?

- Who else is in the rotation? - Nobody. Just you and Kayla.

God, I feel sick right now.

Annie, we never said this was exclusive.

Do you get how much it sucks

that that’s something that I would even have to say to you?

God! I hate this.

I fuckin’ hate this so much.

And pencil-fighting is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.

Do not talk to me ever again.

Come and join the pasta party, bitch!

- Lamar made spaghetti. - Spaghetti, bitch!

- Um, I’m just gonna go to bed. - You OK?

I really can’t talk about it right now.

OK. We’ll save some for you.

Yeah, so these are all from

this insane market which has got all the best ingredients in the world.

- Look. Look at that. - Ooh. Those fucking grapes.

But we’re more into dead fish now. See, look.

Look at that. Look at those fish. Look at those.

- Oh, yeah. - That’s some snapper.

Always good with a little bit of...

some sage, just to sort of rub in, bit of butter, bit of garlic.

I’ll never do that, but thank you.

You gotta do that. Come on.

Oh, shit. Ryan just texted me.

He said that he put the party in his calendar on the wrong day.

- Perfect. - Cool.

Said he wants me to come over and talk to him.

I do think I’m gonna go.

Really? Now?

I just feel like I need to have an actual conversation.

And as of yesterday, he was fucking other women.

Yup. This dude’s a cunt.

Actually, "cunt" in America is a much harsher term.

- Ya know? - Oh, too harsh?

Uh, how about... "fuckboy"?

Yeah, "fuckboy" works.

- Both. - Yeah, both

I guess I just feel like I need to have, like, some closure?

- Fine. Be your own person. Whatever. - OK.

Oh-- Oh. It’s OK, you can go.

Or no. I’m sorry. I--

No, you can go.

Yeah. OK.

Sorry.

Is this--

Uh-- I’m sorry. Sorry.

♪ I want it all but I can’t have it ♪

♪ You’re my trick of the eye ♪

♪ That passes my by

♪ Keeps on going

♪ I can’t keep you there ♪

♪ Or everywhere

♪ I cannot say much

♪ You’re my trick of the eye ♪

♪ That passes me by

♪ Keeps on going

She’s back.

- Oh, hi! - Hi.

Flowers from Ryan?

No, no, no.

- Um, yeah, I didn’t go. I don’t know. - Oh.

I, um, I just got these, and then I walked around.

So... Um, where’s Fran?

Um, she found someone at a Chase Bank ATM to rebound with.

Wow. Man, there is truly no place that is too disgusting

for your sister to hit on someone.

No truer word hath been said.

Um, what time do you leave tomorrow?

- Uh, flight is at 8:00. - Ooh.

Yeah.

Don’t go. Just stay.

I wish. I wish.

But I’m not leaving without a parting gift for you.

- Yeah? - Look what I found.

"Jams To Smash To: A Musical Experience by Lamar."

The mash-up.

- Oh, my God. - Classic.

- You have to play it. Yeah. - We gotta play it. All right.

Here we go.

♪ Cut the music up

♪ A little louder

Oh, my God, I used to think this song was so sexy.

And now I kind of feel like it’s a little bit of a time capsule.

Well, I knew you liked it, that’s why I put it on there.

What?

I mean, I-I...

pretended like it was for the whole dorm, you know,

trying to be cool and stuff, but it was...

it was made for you.

♪ How to love

Really? Is this--

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

Didn’t Fran tell you that I had a crush on you?

No.

I told her not to tell you so she’d tell you!

Well, she never told me.

Well, I definitely did.

♪ Your looks were so precious, but now you’re grown up ♪

I still do.

♪ But you can’t have a man look at you for five seconds ♪

♪ Without you being insecure

♪ You never credit yourself, so when you got older ♪

That was cool.

♪ You came back ten times over ♪

♪ Now you’re sittin’ here in this damn corner ♪

♪ Lookin’ through all your thoughts and lookin’ over your shoulder ♪

♪ You had a lot of crooks try to steal your heart ♪

♪ If our love is tragedy

- Oh, no. - Oh, my God.

No!

I can’t believe that I put this on there.

Wh-Why did I put this on there?

- Oh, my God, that is so embarrassing. - No.

- That is so embarrassing. - Wait. This is hell.

No, it isn’t, it’s a good kind of hell.

- We have to turn this off. - No, no. No, it’s gotta play.

- It’s gotta play. I love this. - No.

OK, I’m gonna turn off the speaker, then.

- I can’t handle this. - Stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Oh, shit. - Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t.

♪ Why are you my remedy?

♪ If our love is tragedy

Are we gonna smash?

♪ Why are you my remedy?

I-I think we have to, right?

Yeah.

Just for the playlist, you know?

♪ Oh, what they think about you ♪

♪ Oh, what they think about you ♪

♪ Prepare to leave my body when the time it comes through ♪

♪ Loving on you till the time it comes through ♪

♪ Why you always hate to break bread? ♪

♪ Think about the way that you would feel if never said ♪

♪ Joke’s on you ♪

♪ Well, it’s time to come through ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Well, if she had to choose me or her mom ♪

♪ I know I wouldn’t last long, yeah ♪

♪ No problem with the truth

♪ But when she made me laugh

♪ Doom doom right to my tomb

♪ I love that it’s not hard to be in a place ♪

♪ Where laughing’s easy like ♪

♪ What the fuck is real?

♪ What the fuck is wrong?

♪ I think I can fit with your tone, like ♪

♪ Oh, what they think about you ♪

♪ Prepare to leave my body when the time it comes through ♪

♪ Loving on you till the time it comes through ♪

♪ Why you always hate to break bread? ♪

♪ Think about the way that you would feel if never said ♪

♪ Joke’s on you ♪

♪ Well, it’s time to come through ♪

♪ Time to come through

♪ Time to come

♪ You know I wanna be

♪ Above everything

♪ But I’m just not there yet ♪