Original subtitles

[music]

[music]

What are you doing up?

It's 3:30.

>> Great. Here we go. [music]

[singing]

>> Yep. And tonight's winner is

>> September.

>> Cuz that happens.

>> What did we say about watching the news?

Now you act all sweet and [music] sirly,

but you swore you'd come home early and

you lied. [singing]

>> You got to let go. Mom, I'm almost 18.

>> Are you snorting coke?

>> Not at the moment.

>> Who's up at this hour?

>> Father, go up the back.

>> Why does he hate me?

>> Cuz you're a little [ __ ]

>> He can't call me a [ __ ]

>> Is everything okay? I heard voices.

>> Just me talking to myself, you know. Now

you head on upstairs. I'll be up for sex

in a minute.

>> You sure everything's okay?

>> Mhm. Go.

>> They're the perfect loving family.

[singing] So adoring. [music]

And I love them every day of every week.

So my son's a little [ __ ] My husband's

boring. And my daughter though genius is

a freak. Still I help them love each

[singing] other. Father, mother, sister,

brother, cheek to cheek.

>> Natalie, it's 4 in the morning. Is

everything okay? Everything's great. Why

wouldn't it be great? It's great. I've

just got three more chapters of calculus

of physics problem set, a history quiz,

and two more pages on floral [music]

dream flowers for alon which duh.

Everything's so under control. It's just

calm. Okay, honey. You need to slow down

and take some time for yourself. I'm

going to have sex with your father.

Great.

Thanks. So glad I know that.

So it's [music] times like these I

wonder [singing] how I take it. And if

other [music] families live the way we

do. If they love each other or if they

[music] just fake it. And if other

[singing] daughters feel like I feel

too. Cuz some days I think I'm dying.

But I'm [singing] really only trying to

get through.

for just another day [music]

for another stolen hour. When the world

will feel my [singing] power and [music]

oy

feeling [music]

like I live forever, [singing]

just another day.

>> That was great, wasn't it? That was

great. Christ, I'm late. That'll teach

[music] you to take a whole 10 minutes.

>> I'm sorry. What?

>> I said, "Isn't it a beautiful day?"

>> Um, yeah, sure. It's cloudy and raining

and really cold for September, but

beautiful.

>> Makes you want to [music] dive in with

both feet, doesn't it?

>> Absolutely.

I never know what she's talking about

when it's up to you to hold [music] your

house together.

A house you built with patience and with

care. But you're grappling [music] with

that [singing] gray and rainy weather

and you're living on a latte and

[singing] a prayer. Can you keep the cup

from tickling? [music]

Can you keep your grip from slipping in

despair

for just another day [music]

and [singing] a hurry? You want to wipe

your glory clean away

for just another [music] day.

will keep the plates all spinning with a

smile so white and winding all the way

[music]

[singing]

to fill me up for [music] another day.

>> It [music] only hurts when I'm here.

>> You're going to be late and you've got a

huge day today.

>> You have no idea what I do all day. Jazz

band before school, class, key clubs,

and football.

>> Not bad.

>> Now get out of here.

>> Okay.

[singing]

>> Morning, sunshine.

>> So, I got the date for my winter

recital. Do you think you guys can come?

[music]

>> Uh, yeah. We'll put it on the calendar.

>> Mom, the calendar's still on April of

last year.

>> Well, happy Easter.

>> Happy Easter, Mom. Hi, sweetheart.

>> Hey, she's on fire this morning.

>> Oh, I know.

>> Ew.

>> Honey, can you do the shopping today?

I'm slammed to work and we're out of

everything.

>> I keep cave clean. You go out, get

fired.

>> Absolutely. [music] Again, no clue.

>> It [music] only hurts when I breathe.

>> It only hurts when I try. It only hurts

when I [music]

>> It only hurts when I'm worse.

when I [music] say

this is Another day

[music]

[music and singing]

[music]

[singing]

you know what I can tell [music]

Every day is just another and another

and another

hold it all [music and singing]

together. We're the perfect loving

family

and [ __ ] up. We're the perfect loving

[music] family. I will keep the place

all and the world keeps [music] on

spinning and spinning.

>> Hey Diana, honey,

>> don't worry about it. Go on ahead.

You'll miss your bus, Mom.

>> Everything's fine. Just making

sandwiches on the floor. Um, you go on

ahead. You'll miss your bus.

>> Go,

sweetie. Everything okay?

>> Yeah, I wanted to get ahead on lunches.

>> Yeah, sure. Why don't you let me help

you up?

>> Well, I guess I got a little carried

away.

>> Maybe a little. Um, let's go see Dr.

Fine.

This is just a blip. Okay, it's nothing

to worry about. I'll wrap up the

sandwiches and then we'll go

Mozart was crazy.

Flat [ __ ] crazy.

Bit's

not crazy. It's balanced. It's nimble.

It's clear.

There's harmony logic. You listen to

these. You don't hear [music] his doubts

or his debts or disease. You scan

through the score and put fingers on

keys and you play

and everything else goes away.

Everything else goes away.

So you play [music] till it's perfect.

You play till you ache. You play till

the strings or your fingernails break.

So you rock that recital and get into so

you won't feel so sick and you won't

look so pale cuz you got your full ride

and you're early admit so you're done

with this school and with all of this

[ __ ] so [music] you graduate early

[singing] you're as of

[music]

>> [singing]

>> And you know that it's just

[singing and music] a

[singing]

[singing]

goes away.

Sounds good.

>> I still have this practice room for

seven and a half minutes.

>> Oh, yeah. I mean, I know. I just like to

listen.

I'm Henry

>> Natalie.

>> Yeah. I mean, I know.

>> It's a little creepy that you know.

>> Well, we've gone to school together for

like six years.

>> Really?

>> I sit behind you in four classes.

Also creepy.

>> You're in here a lot.

>> You know, before school

and after,

>> right?

7 minutes.

>> You give up way too easily.

[panting]

>> You're kind of a confusing person.

You should meet my mother.

>> The pink ones are taken with food, but

not with the white ones. The white ones

are taken with the round yellow ones,

but not with the triangle with yellow

ones. The triangle yellow ones are taken

with the oblong green ones with food,

but not with the pink ones. If a train

is leaving New York at 120 mph, and

another train is leaving St. Petersburg

at the same time, but going backwards,

which train you,

>> who's crazy, the husband or wife? Who's

crazy to live their whole life believing

that somehow things aren't as bizarre as

they are? [singing]

Who's crazy?

The one who can't cope. [music] Or maybe

the one who still hope. The one who

[singing] sees doctors or the one who

just waits [music] in the car.

[singing]

And I was a wild 25. And I love the

white so alive. But now I

[singing and music] believe I would

settle for one who can drive. [singing]

The round blue ones are taken with food,

but not with the oblong white ones. The

white ones are taken with the round

yellow ones, but not with the

trapezoidal green ones. Break the green

ones into thirds with a tiny chisel. Put

it all into a bowl. [singing]

>> Psychopharmarmacologist.

It's like an odd romance,

intense and very [singing and music]

intimate.

We do our dance.

My psychopharmarmacologist

and I

call it [singing]

game.

He knows my deepest secrets.

I [music and singing] know his name.

And he'll never hold me.

He'll take my call.

It's truly [music]

[singing] like he told me. Without a

little lift, the [music] ballerina

falls.

>> Goodman. Diana. Bipolar disorder with

delusional episodes. 16-year history of

medication. Adjustment after four weeks.

>> I've got less anxiety, but I have

headaches and blurry vision,

and I can't [music] feel my toes. So,

we'll try again and eventually we'll get

it right.

>> Not a very exact science, [music] is it?

[singing]

[music]

[music]

When I see the [singing] bills, these

are a few of my favorite pills.

>> Thank you, doctor. Valium is my favorite

color. How'd [singing and music] you

know?

>> It's just the thing about jazz is how do

you ever know if you got it right? It's

just making [ __ ] up. [music]

>> Which is also known as the act of

creation.

>> Oh, well, you're one of those

pretentious stoner [music] types.

>> That's totally not fair. I'm not

pretentious.

I'm definitely not classical. is far too

rigid and structured. There's no room

for improvisation. You have to play the

notes on the page.

>> Yeah. And what did Mozart know anyway?

He should have just smoked a bowl and

jammed on Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

>> Yeah, let's do that.

>> Goodman. [music] Diana, second

adjustment after 8 weeks. Delusions less

frequent, but depressive state worse.

>> I'm nauseous and I'm constipated.

Completely lost my appetite [music] and

gained six pounds, which is just, you

know,

It's not fair.

>> Sexual dysfunction,

insomnia, irritability, nausea, [music]

hot and alarming sexual feeling.

>> Oh, one last thing. Use mayor

[music and singing]

may be fatal.

>> Goodman, [music] Diana. Third adjustment

after 12 weeks reports continued mild

anxiety and some lingering depression.

>> I now can't feel my fingers or my toes.

[music] I I I sweat profusely for no

reason.

>> I wasted like weeks of [music] practice

with you improvising.

>> Well, Oscar Peterson was classically

trained.

>> Beethovven did cocaine.

>> Miles Davis went to Giuliard.

>> Mozart wrote [music] poems about farts.

>> Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire

for sex.

So whether that's the medicine or the

marriage is [music] anybody's guess.

>> I'm sure it's the medicine.

>> Oh,

thank you. That's very [music] sweet.

But my husband is waiting in the car.

>> Who's crazy?

The one who's half gone. or maybe

the one who holds on remembering when

she was 20 and brilliant and bold

[singing]

and I was so young

and so dumb

and now I am old

and she was wicked and wired. The sex

was simply inspired. Now there's no sex.

She's [music] depressed and me. I'm just

tired. [singing] But I'm tired. I'm

tired. [music]

My [music]

psychopologist

[music]

may say love is blind

but believe me

love is insane. [singing]

>> Goodman Diana

16 weeks.

>> I don't feel like myself.

I mean I I I don't feel anything.

>> Uhhuh.

>> Patient stable.

[music]

[applause]

>> Hey. Uh, your mom's like in the next

room.

>> She's in denial. It's totally

convenient.

Dude, it's therapeutic,

>> right? It's medical marijuana [music] to

treat your ADHD.

>> Totally.

>> Huh?

>> Oh. Uh, I don't put anything into my

mouth that's on fire.

>> I guess that's a good rule.

Oh,

>> no.

I can't do this.

Not with my life. I I'm like

one [ __ ] up from disaster.

>> Your life's not a disaster.

The environment is a disaster. X is a

disaster.

>> You're stoned.

>> Our planet is poisoned. oceans, the air

[singing]

around and beneath and above you.

>> Um, Henry, that's true. [singing] And I

totally care.

>> I'm trying to tell you I love you.

>> What?

>> The world is at war filled with death

and disease. We dance [music] on the

edge of destruction.

The globe's getting warmer by deadly

degrees. [singing]

>> And this is one [ __ ] up [music]

seduction.

This planet is pretty much broken beyond

all [singing] repair.

But one thing is working

if you're standing there

[music]

perfect for you.

I could be perfect for you.

I might be lazy, a loner, a bit of a

stoner. It's true.

Thought I might be perfect.

I'll make myself perfect. Perfect for

you. You square all the corners. I

straighten the curve.

>> You've got some nerves, Henry. And I'm

just a nerd. [music]

>> But if everything else turns to dirt,

we'll be the one [music] in this world

that won't hurt. [singing]

I can't fix what's [ __ ] up.

But one thing I know [singing] I can do.

I can be perfect for you.

I can be [music] perfect for you.

>> Perfect

for you.

Nice house.

Can I come in?

>> Oh my god. No.

Are you spying on your own daughter?

>> When did she get a boyfriend?

>> How did I miss this?

>> Well,

you kind of miss a [music] lot.

>> You think they're in love?

>> Who knows?

They're young.

They're horny. It happens.

>> Marry me.

>> What?

>> Marry me. Let's have a family.

>> Now, now I I I know we're too young, but

we're not. I'm almost 22. And h how do

you know that this isn't a sign saying

we belong together?

>> How do you know it's not a sign saying

get new rubbers?

>> Because I know it's not. I love you. And

this baby [laughter]

>> Dan,

>> this is

>> this is crazy.

>> Maybe it is.

when I flew

wild

[singing]

feel the fire.

Now I know she

I'mware

[singing]

seems they [singing] dry up all my

tears.

And while [singing] she runs free

fast,

seems my wild days

are pass.

I miss

all the [singing]

magic days [music]

and the dark depressing nights.

I miss the mountains.

I miss the highs [singing and music] and

lows.

All the climbing, all the falling,

all the [singing] while the wild wind

blows,

stinging you with snow and soaking

[singing]

you with rain.

[singing]

Mountains [singing and music] make you

crazy. Here it's safe and sound. My mind

[singing and music] is somewhere hazy.

My feet are on the ground.

Everything is balanced here and on an

even kill.

Everything [singing]

is perfect.

Nothing's real.

Nothing's real.

And I

miss the mountain.

[music]

I

miss the lonely time.

Wandering [music] through the wilderness

and spending all [singing] my time where

the air is clear and cuts you like

[music] the night. [singing]

I

miss the mountain.

[singing]

I miss

I miss my

life.

[applause and cheering]

>> [applause]

[applause]

>> Are you sure about this, Mom?

>> What? You think it's a bad idea?

I think it's a great idea.

I think you're brave.

>> What will your father think?

>> Nothing.

If he doesn't know

It's going to [music] be good.

It's going to be good.

It's going to [music] be good.

>> It's going to be good. It's going to be

good. Two weeks and it's all working

just the way I knew [singing] it would.

And I don't sit at work. Just waiting

for the phone to ring. It's good, good,

good, good ring. Honey,

>> hello. Oh, hi, sweetie.

>> Everything's great. [music] Fantastic. I

disinfected the entire house, rewired

the computer, and did some decopage.

>> Okay, bye-bye.

Next, I think I'll retile the roof.

>> It's going to be great.

[music and singing]

>> It's going to be great. Is still

amazing, and we don't stay up that late.

It's almost a month, and she's as happy

[music] as a

Do I look great? I am.

Look, I'd ask you in, but it's too soon.

>> We've been going out for 9 weeks and 3

days. Don't you get to meet your family?

>> Oh, you keep count.

>> You're so the girl. I know.

>> Natalie and this must be Harry.

>> It's Henry.

>> Pleasure to FINALLY MEET YOU. COME ON

IN. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN us for dinner?

>> Dad, no. Henry

really can't stay. He's got

a

>> It's going to be good.

>> Homework.

>> It's going to be good. We're going to

sit right down together like a happy

family should and eat and talk and laugh

and joke my pride, my brute and me. It's

going to be good to see. We'll smile and

chat and just like that. We'll all be

all [music] okay. It's going to be

great. It's going to be great. It's

going to be going to be going to be

great that way. [music]

Hey,

it's going to be good. It's going to be

my

family. [singing] Even talking to my

family and me. It's going to be good.

Going to be [music] good. Going to be

going be good.

good good be.

>> Okay. It's somebody's birthday.

[laughter]

>> Whose birthday is it?

>> My brother's.

>> Oh,

I didn't know you had a brother.

I don't

He died before I was born.

What?

What is it?

He's not [music] here.

He's not here.

Love,

I know you know.

Do you feel

he's still [music] real

love? It's just not so. [singing]

Why is it you still believe? [singing]

Do you dream

or do you grieve?

You've got to let him go.

He's [music] been dead

all these years.

Not here.

This is [ __ ]

>> language.

>> No, [ __ ] this.

>> It was wonderful to meet you both.

What about the new meds?

We have the happiest septic tank on the

block.

>> You

Jesus died. They were working.

>> They weren't really.

>> All right. Um, we'll get a new round.

We'll go back TO DR. FINE.

>> NO,

>> DIANA. LOOK, I know this is hard.

>> Oh, you know.

>> Really?

>> What exactly do you know?

>> I know that you're hurting. All right. I

am, too. Do you wake up in the morning

[music] and need help to lift your head?

Do you read obituaries and feel jealous

of the [music] dead? It's like living on

a cliffside, not knowing when you'll

die. [music] Do you know? Do you know

what it's like to die alive? When a

world that once had color fades to white

and gray black. [music]

When tomorrow terrifies you, when you'll

die and you look back, you don't know.

[singing]

I know [music] you don't know. You say

that you're hurting. It sure [music]

doesn't show. You don't know. [singing]

It lays me so [music] low when you say

let go. [singing] And I say

you don't know

[singing]

the sensation that you're screaming that

you never make a sound or the feeling

that you're falling [music]

but you never hit the ground. It just

keeps on rushing at you day by day by

day [music] by day. You don't know. You

don't know what it's like to live that

way. Like a refugee, a fugitive forever

on the run. [music] If it gets me, it

will kill me. But I don't know what I

am.

>> Can you tell me [music]

what it is you're [singing] afraid of?

And can you tell me why I'm afraid? It's

me.

[music] Can I touch you?

We've been fine for so long now.

How could something [music] go wrong

that I can see? Cuz I'm holding on

and I won't let go.

I just thought you should know. [music]

I am the one who knows you. I am the one

who cares. I am the one who's always

[music] been there. [singing]

I am the one who's helped you. And if

you think that I just don't give a damn,

that you just don't know who I am.

[music]

>> Could you leave me?

>> Hey, [singing] Dad, it's me.

>> Could you let me go under? Why can't you

see?

She watches I drown. [music]

>> I wonder why.

>> Are you bleeding?

>> Are you waiting? Are you wishing? Are

you wanting all that she can't give?

>> Are you bruised? Are you broken?

>> Are you hurting? Are you healing? Are

you hoping for a life [music] to live?

>> Does it help you to know? Well, so am I.

>> Tell me what to [music] do. Look at me.

[singing]

for me who

looks and see when you see

I am the one [music] who holds I am I am

the one who stay

I won't walk away [music]

yeah I am the one who I am now you

[music and singing] tell me that I won't

give a name

you know [music]

I am

that's I am

that's who I [music] am

that's who I am

cuz I'm holding [music] on

>> you say you hurt like me [singing]

>> I won't let [music] go

>> you say that you love

>> [music]

>> You don't know.

[music]

>> It's always [music]

[music]

You just don't know who I am.

>> You don't know

>> who I am. You don't know who I just

don't know who I [singing] am.

[applause]

[applause]

When she gets like this, she's useless.

Ken, use the phone. Ken drive. Ken.

>> Well, I bet she's got great pills.

I mean, not that I would go there.

That shit's inorganic.

>> I'm totally ineffective, apparently.

>> No, me. I'm old school. A dying breed.

You see all the preppies and and the

jocks, they're raiding their parents'

medicine cabinets. the popping ZX and

snorting Aderall.

>> Really?

>> But me, I'm the master of the lost art

of making a pipe out of an apple.

>> Yeah, you're the Macgyver of pot.

>> You promise this will help?

>> No. What?

[music]

Son [singing] of steel and daughter of

rare.

He's a hero, a lover, a prince. She's

not there. [singing]

[music] Super boy and the invisible

girl. [singing]

Everything a kid ought to be.

He's immortal, [music]

forever alive. [singing] And there's me.

I [music] wish I could fly and magically

appear and disappear. [singing]

I wish I could fly.

I'd fly far away from here.

Super boy and the invisible [singing]

girl.

He's [music] the one you wish would

appear.

He's your hero forever. your son. He's

not here. I [singing] am here.

No, that's not true. You're our little

pride and joy. Our perfect plan. You

[music] know I love you.

I love you as much as I can.

Take a look at the invisible girl.

Here she is, clear as [music] the day.

Please look closely and find her before

she fades away. [singing]

Super boy, invisible girl. [music]

Son of a daughter of air.

He's a hero, lover [music] of grace.

She's not there.

She's not there.

She's not there.

She's not there. [music]

[applause]

[applause]

Let's not get discouraged. I will find a

doctor who can treat you without the

drugs. Right? There is someone out there

for you. In the depression forums, they

say it's like dating. You know, you have

to keep going until you find the right

match.

>> They have depression forums.

>> Yeah. And uh this doctor is supposed to

be fantastic. Like a real rock star.

Three different women at work gave me

his name.

>> Three women at work know I'm nuts.

[clears throat]

Diana,

this way please.

[music]

>> What did you just say?

>> I said, "Welcome. I'm Dr. Madden. Have a

seat. It's It's nice to meet you."

>> Let's get it on [music] now, baby.

>> Excuse me. What

>> I said? Let's get started. Are you

nervous, Diana?

>> I am a little um a bit out of breath.

Tingly, actually. Uh now you go.

>> Uh let's start by getting to know each

other a bit. Psychotherapy and

medication work best in tandem. But we

can try the first alone and see how far

we get. Why don't you tell me, baby,

what's your history? Where'd you go? Who

you see?

[screaming]

Um, my history.

>> Okay. Uh, I was diagnosed bipolar wow 16

years ago. Uh, but it it turned out

bipolar didn't totally cover it.

>> Often the best we can do is put names to

collections of symptoms. It's possible

bipolar has more in common with

schizophrenia than depression.

>> Yeah. When I was young, my mother called

me high-spirited.

>> She would know she was so high-spirited

they banned her from the PTA. Sometimes

we have a predisposition to illness, but

actual onset is often triggered by some

traumatic event.

>> Look, I never know what to say when I

have to go over all this. Starts to

sound like some story I tell about some

other person entirely.

>> Why don't you tell me about the last

time you truly felt happy?

Were you happy when you got married?

>> Yeah, I thought I was.

>> There's a difference between being happy

and just thinking that you're happy. Oh,

most people who think they're happy just

haven't thought about it enough.

>> Most people who think they're happy are

actually just stupid.

>> Uhhuh.

>> I see. Uh, were you happy when your son

was born?

>> My son?

>> Tell me about him.

>> About my son?

>> Why is he still around? Who is he? What

is he? I am what [music] you want

[singing] me to be and I'm your worst

fear. You'll find it in me. Come closer.

Come closer.

>> Where does he come from? Do you think

>> I am more than memory? I am what it

might be. I am mystery. You know [music]

me.

So show me.

[music] When I

hear it's not so clear.

>> [music]

>> I'm a sinful spirit or I'm flesh and

blood.

But I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm so alive.

And I need all [music] the fear that's

behind your eyes. And I need you to meet

me. It's no surprise. I'm alive. [music]

[singing]

I'm so alive.

I'm alive.

>> Four times a week. That's a lot, isn't

it?

>> Um, it's what the doctor recommended.

This is never going to get better, is

it?

>> He's never going away.

>> I don't know, Natalie.

>> You know, this is one of those moments

where you could just be a typical parent

and lie. Say yes.

>> Yes.

>> Ah, thanks. That's comforting.

>> I am flame [music] and I am fire. I am

destruction. Decay I desire. I'll burn

you. You know, Natalie, I'll [music]

heal you.

>> It's not all about your comfort. I'm

your wish, your dream come true. And I

am your [music] darkest [singing]

nightmare, too. I show you. It's about

helping your mother. I owe [music]

you as always.

>> And though you made me, you can't change

me. I'm the perfect stranger. [music]

No.

And I'm alive. I'm alive. I am so alive.

[music] And I'll tell you the truth if

you let me try. You're alive. I'm alive.

And I'll show you why I'm alive.

I'm so alive.

I'm alive.

Whispered off. [music]

>> I'm alive.

Valium

Xanax.

>> I'm alive.

>> What the hell?

I'm alive

[music] right behind you.

Forget

[music]

you.

I know that I will find [music] you.

You won't leave me behind.

Let's say he's 18 now. Is that when kids

move out? Is it a time to let him go?

No. No. No. I'm alive. I'm alive. I am

so [music] alive. You climb on my back

and we both fight. If you try to deny

me, I'll never [music] die. I'm alive.

So alive.

[music]

I'm alive.

Yeah. Yeah,

I'm alive. [music]

>> [music]

[applause and cheering]

[applause]

>> It's been four weeks and I'd like to try

something new today.

Sometimes when these stories are hard to

tell, hypnosis can be helpful. Oh,

>> I uh I don't think I can be hypnotized.

I mean, it's fine. I'm just not the

type.

>> Uh-huh. Put your feet on the floor.

Your hands in your lap.

Breathe.

Walk. Walk.

Go all [music and singing] the way down,

down a long flight of stairs. Go step by

step into the darkness down there.

>> Should we turn on a light? You know, for

the stairs. [music]

>> Walk with me down a

hole that you know. At the end there's a

door. [music] It's a door that you've

never laid [singing] eyes on before.

Open the door.

Open the door.

[singing]

>> Can you hear me, Diana?

>> Yes.

>> Are you nervous?

>> No.

>> Good.

Now [snorts]

make up your mind to experting

[singing and music]

your past for what sorrows may last.

Then make up your mind to be well.

Die, you come home from these sessions

in tears. Is this helping or

die?

die.

>> We were both undergrads architecture.

The baby wasn't planned.

Neither was the marriage.

I'd [music] always expected to be too

busy. But when the baby came, it all

seemed to make sense

until

until

>> until

he's not here. He's not here.

Oh, I know [music and singing] you know.

>> Make up your mind that you're strong

enough.

Make up [music] your mind. Let the truth

be revealed. Admit what you've lost and

live with the cost. At times it [music]

does hurt to be healed.

In our first session, [music] you told

me

>> that talking through your history

>> feels like it's about someone else.

[singing and music]

>> Make it about you.

[snorts]

>> Hey,

I'm not supposed to be backstage, but uh

for luck. Uh, did you see my parents out

there?

>> Are you okay?

>> Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. My dad said they'd

both be here.

>> Okay. Well, I'm sure they will be.

>> Will they

had Natalie to?

>> And I know she [music] knows.

I couldn't hold her in the hospital.

Where the hell are they?

I couldn't [music] let myself hold her.

>> That's the first time you've mentioned

Natalie in [music] weeks of therapy.

>> God damn it. She's not there.

She's [music] not there.

She's not there.

[music] You come out to gravity.

Take what you know and make it sense.

Just face what you fear [music] and soon

it comes clear. The visions are just

your defense.

>> Thank you for coming.

>> Natalie Goodman,

let's try to understand what all of this

is doing to you and to your family.

[ __ ]

>> your grief for your son, your distance

from Natalie.

>> Sorry.

Sorry. It's just um

you know what the problem with classical

is?

It's so rigid

and and structured. You you have to play

the notes on the page. There's no room

for improvisation. Oh no.

[music]

What's inside? [music]

>> Unresolved loss can lead to depression.

[music]

>> Fear of loss to anxiety. Flying head.

[singing]

>> The more you hold on to something you've

lost, the more you fear losing it.

>> Depression.

>> Anxiety. Depression. [music]

Anxiety. One gives rise to the other. It

becomes a cycle. [music and singing]

>> I'm falling. Catch me. I'm falling.

Catch me. I'm falling.

Wouldn't you like to be free from all of

that finally?

Wouldn't you like to go home, clear out

his things, maybe spend some time with

your daughter, and let your son go

at last?

Should we go?

>> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Mom.

>> Yes, I would.

This

This is good.

This is a good step.

>> [snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

>> I saw you

with your sparkling eyes.

Graceful as an angel's wing.

I dream to dance

with you.

You whispered slightly

softly.

You told [singing] me you would be

[music] true.

We spun around. Thousand stars

I dreamed to dance

with you.

I know [singing] the night is dying

[music] dear.

[snorts] I know the day will.

The dancers [singing]

may [music] disappear.

Still the dance [music]

go

alone

tomorrow

dream of our dances

True.

But now until [singing]

forever,

I'll live to dance with you.

I'll dream my love.

I'll live [singing] my love.

And I'll die

to dance

with

There's a world

there's a world I know

a place [singing and music] we can go

where the pain will go

away.

There is a world where the sun [music]

shines [singing] each day.

There's [singing] a world

there's a world out there.

I'll show you [music and singing]

just where. And in time, I know you'll

[music] see

there's [singing] a world

where we

can be

free.

Come [singing] with me.

Goodman Diana

>> discovered unconscious at home

where we can be free.

>> Multiple razor wounds to wrists and

forearms self-inflicted.

Come [singing]

with

me.

>> Saline rinse, sutures, gauze, IV

antibiotics, isolated, sedated, and

restrain. Damn it.

Ect is indicated.

Wow. Um

I mean they still do that?

>> We do. Yes. It's the standard in cases

like this. She has a long history of

drug therapy resistance and she's

acutely suicidal. It's really our best

option.

>> That's kind of terrifying.

>> It's not. The electricity involved is

barely enough to light a 100 W bulb.

>> Well, if it's just a 100 watt bulb,

>> it's safer than crossing the street and

the short-term success rate is over 80%.

Thought she was better.

Sometimes patients regain just enough

strength to follow through on suicidal

impulses, but not enough to resist them.

You know, that seems very [ __ ]

Yes,

legally, we need her consent. And

hospital policy says we need yours, too.

>> I don't think she's going to go.

>> Mr. Goodman, I can administer the ECT

and you can take her home in 3 weeks or

I can keep her sedated [music] for

another 48 hours, discharge her, and

wait for her to try again.

Go home. Take the night.

We'll talk to her in the morning.

Standing in this room. Well, I wonder

[singing and music] what comes now. I

know I have to help her, but hell if I

know how. And all the times that I've

been told, the way her illness goes, the

truth of it is no one really knows.

And every day, this act we act [music]

gets more and more absurd.

And all my fears just sit inside me,

screaming to be heard. I know they

won't, though.

>> [music]

>> Not a single word.

I was here at her side. When she called,

[music] when she cried. [singing]

How could she leave me on my own?

Will it work this cure? There's no way

to be sure.

But I'm weary to the bone. And whenever

she goes flying,

I keep my feet right on the ground.

[music]

Oh, now I need a lift when there's no

one [music and singing] around.

Hey. [music]

[singing]

Oh,

[music]

[music]

and I've never had to face the world

without [singing] her at my side. Now

I'm strolling right [music] beside her

as the black hole opens wide. Mine's

just a slower suicide.

We've been here

for the show, every heart, every low.

[singing]

But it's the worst we've ever known.

She's been hurt and how. But I can't

give up now.

Cuz [singing]

I've never been alone.

I could never be alone.

>> Why didn't you take me with you?

>> Don't see a lot of you these days. This

Henry a good influence.

Like compared to what?

>> Okay, that's fair. [snorts]

>> The after effects are minimal. You'll

feel like you have a bit of a hangover.

>> Mom. Mom, please don't let them do this.

It causes [music] brain damage.

>> Oh, your mother's in for a new

treatment. ECT.

>> Okay. Elemento P. What is that?

>> Electrocomvulsive therapy. Shock

therapy. A minority of patients have

reported some memory loss, but it's

usually not much memory. How do you know

how much memory you've lost if you've

lost it?

>> You're kidding, right?

Dad, that's [ __ ]

>> Language patients have said it's like

becoming a new person.

>> It's [ __ ] She splits you.

>> That'll lead.

>> Didn't I see this movie with Mc Murphy

and [music] the nurse? That hospital

[singing] was heavy. But this cuckoo's

nest is worse.

Isn't this the one where in the end the

good guys?

Didn't I see this [music] movie? And

didn't I cry?

Didn't I cry?

>> The modern procedure is clean and

simple. Hundreds of thousands of

patients receive it every year.

What makes you [music] think I knew my

life for you?

I'm no social.

I'm so [music]

[singing] ain't no princess for kind of

[music] for you.

So stay out of my brain. I know princess

of pain. [music]

Then I see this movie with a doctor just

like you. When the patient [music] got

impatient and said, "Sorry, doc. I'm

through." I know where this is going.

And I know [music] what you're about.

Cuz I have seen this movie. And I walk

down.

I walk down.

[music]

I'm walking.

One light

shines in the drive.

One single sign that our house is alive.

Our house.

Our own. So why do I live there alone?

Tell me why I wait through the night.

Why do I [singing] leave on [music] the

[singing]

house [music]

ago?

Take this chance

because it may [singing] be our [music]

last. To be free,

to let go of the past, and to try

[singing] to be husband and wife, to let

[music] love never die, or to just live

our life take my hand

and let me take your heart. Keep it far

[singing]

from what keeps us apart. Let us start

with a light in the dark.

[singing]

Night falls. I stare at the [singing]

walls. I wake and wander the halls.

>> I get lost in the

bone.

>> It's like nothing.

>> I can't get through this

alone.

take this chance

and we'll make a new start. Somewhere

[singing] far

from what keeps us aart and I swear that

somewhere in [singing] the night

there's a [music]

A light in the dark.

>> [music]

[applause]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> Come on. This is my favorite club. Let's

go.

>> Isn't three clubs a little much for a

Tuesday night,

Wednesday morning?

>> Come on. They're playing my favorite

song.

>> They're all your favorite song. What are

you on? Uh, aderall and Xanax and Valium

and Robbitasin.

>> Since when did you become a bad

influence on me?

>> Hey, I'm under stress. My mom's in a

hospital being electrocuted.

>> Good morning, Diana. It's good to see

you again.

>> Seriously, she gets it like every other

day for the next 3 weeks. Can't even

deal. I'd never let them [ __ ] with my

brain like that.

>> No, you're strictly a do-it-yourselfer.

>> I see you've met our anesthesiologists.

Now, just relax. Breathe normally. Count

backwards from 100 and before you reach

zero, you should be asleep. When you

wake up, you may feel some muscle

stiffness, disorientation. Don't worry,

it's completely normal.

Diana.

Diana.

Good.

Inantes

might leave me blind.

[music]

When the bolt of lightning crashes and

it [singing] burns right through my

mind,

[music]

it's like someone drained my brain out.

Set my frozen mind to fall.

Let the refuge and pain out while I

stood and watched it all.

I am riding on [music] the brightest

road. I [singing] am worlds away from

who I was. And they told me it would

change me [music] though they don't know

how it does. They [singing] don't know

how it lived a life of clouds and gray.

But this is crystal clear. Wish I were

here. Wish [music] I were here. My

imagin is remarkable. The super

wish I

>> wish I [singing and music] were here.

>> Wish I wish I were here.

>> It's euporia. It's anger. It's the

[singing] winter wind. It's fire.

>> It's the winter [music]

wind. It's fire.

>> And it kills my deepest hunger cuz

[singing] it fs me with desire.

In the sun,

[music]

mag

[singing]

[music]

[music]

were here. Is this

true? Do I just disappear? Wish [music]

I were here.

here.

>> Natalie, what are you doing in my

electricity?

>> It's always all about you, isn't it?

>> I'm robbit tripping. I can't feel my

leg.

>> I don't want you doing drugs. Well,

that's persuasive coming from Fizer's

woman of the year.

You're the one who's hallucinating. It's

my treatment.

It's a miracle.

Everything is different now. I know what

you mean.

[music] Hug [singing] me in and turn me

on and flip the [music] switch. I'm good

as gone. It takes my [singing] skin and

drips my [music] brain. I feel the burn,

but I don't feel the pain.

He's my greatest [music]

shall

[music]

ever

shall [music]

[singing]

[music]

This is the fifth night in a row I've

had to come and find you at some random

club. Diana.

>> Dan,

3 weeks are up. It's time to go home.

>> Home?

>> Yeah. Don't Don't talk. Just relax.

>> Okay, you can go.

I'm like 70% less messed up now.

[snorts]

Seriously, my dad's [music] going to be

home any minute. He's bringing my mom

back from the hospital. You don't want

to be here.

>> Will you call me? Just go

[singing]

>> hide my stupid hunger.

Fake some confidence and cheer. Wish I

were here.

Wish I were here.

[music]

>> We're here.

>> Hey.

Wow.

You look great.

>> Oh, thank you.

And who are you?

Who am I?

>> Diana, this is Natalie.

>> Your daughter.

Oh, of course.

>> And this is our house,

>> Diana. Don't you?

>> Um, you don't remember any of this?

>> I should, right? This house and all

these rooms

last Christmas or last [singing] year

out back the dogwood blooms.

>> Do I really live here?

>> The paint, the walls, all this glass and

wood.

You don't recall [singing]

>> how I wish I could.

Our house on Walton Way.

The house with the red door. [singing]

Our trip to Sanrope.

The whole week of downpour.

[singing and music]

>> My first few steps and my first lost to

you. What? Nothing yet to tell the

truth.

>> Jesus. Sing [music] a song of forett,

a song of the way [singing and music]

things were not.

Sing of what's lost to you.

Of times that [music and singing] you

never knew.

Sing of not remembering

[music and singing] when

of memories that go unreme

then

sing a song of [singing] forett

again.

That day our child was [music] born.

Our baby girl's first cry.

That gray and drizzly mourn.

I've never felt so high.

>> The day we met and we shared two beers.

>> Then

>> I forget.

>> That's 19 years.

>> Well, that that Dr. Mitchell did say

there may be some memory loss.

>> It's Dr. Madden.

>> Well, see, there you go.

>> What a lovely cure. [singing and music]

It's a medical miracle

with a mind so that she [music] doesn't

know anything.

>> It's

cuz memories [music] don't die.

[singing]

[music]

>> They die. I try. Sing

[singing and music] a song forett.

[music and singing]

>> Sing of what's lost to you. What's

in terms of

you knew

singing

of memories that go unread

>> sing a [music] song of forett [singing]

>> sing a song of foretting a song of

foretting

again.

Hey.

Hey.

I've missed you these days.

I thought you might call.

It's been weeks. I've been

>> Hey. Hey.

Have you been on the scene?

Cuz you look like a mess.

>> Thanks. I guess.

>> Are you clean?

>> I [music and singing] don't do what you

do.

>> Okay. How did it start?

>> But you took it too far.

>> Oh, I took it. [singing]

do this.

>> Don't say the blue over. [singing]

>> Don't you want us to be?

>> No. I want who [music] I knew.

She's somewhere

in you.

Hey,

say

will you come to this dance?

It's spring for dance.

It's May 1st.

And it's cheese, but it's fun [singing]

and it's free.

>> I don't do

this [music] dance with me.

Goodbye.

[singing]

>> Natalie. Natalie, wait up.

>> This much loss is rare, but it has been

reported. It may be partly psychoggenic.

At times like this, [music] the mind

tends to repress troubling memories, but

they're still there somewhere. They tend

to return in fits and starts. It's been

two weeks. A little loss of memory is

normal and helpful in forgetting all her

fears. I couldn't give up flying. [ __ ]

what's normal? We haven't had a normal

day in years.

>> Diana, are things becoming clearer with

the treatment?

>> Yes.

>> Is life less cloudy than it was before?

>> Well, yes. Do you still feel your head

is filled with concrete?

>> No.

And you're not a scary rockar anymore.

>> Okay, great. [laughter]

What about her memory?

The memories are there somewhere. Find

some pictures you can [music] share.

Keep the life that's there behind

[singing] her.

Do I [music] bring up the subject of

yes, but keep it light at first, that's

best. Careful that she's not distressed.

When the time's [music] right, tell the

rest. Remind [singing] her.

You'll find her.

So, let's start with something small,

[singing]

something

pretty. I bet you'll know these shiny

things.

>> Um, [music] they must be tacky trinkets

from I guess Atlantic City.

>> No, actually die. They're our wedding

rings.

>> It's going well.

>> Here's a flower from our wedding. It was

such a sight to see with the ceremony.

Everything we'd hoped.

>> Uh, Dad. Well, that's how I remember it,

so that's how [music] it'll be.

>> It was raining. It was Portland. You

aloped. I mean, Portland.

>> It's an open book to write here. It's a

life we can restore. We can get back

what we had. And maybe more.

[music] Maybe get us back to better than

before.

Uh,

you're missing [music] a few pictures

here, Dad. Didn't the doctor say?

>> The doctor said at the right time.

>> Oh, well then.

>> Here's the year we drove the west. We

hit the highway in the Honda. And I took

pictures [music] everywhere [singing] we

went.

We saw the painted desert, the Grand

Canyon, [music] and Ant Rhonda. And Nat

learned what her [singing] middle finger

meant. Here's

the first [music] house that we owned on

Walton Way. We love that place. Then we

built this one on land that we both

chose.

And here's a [singing]

smile on every face. And the

photoshopping hardly even

[music and singing] shows.

We're standing by a lake with all these

ducks.

Then who's this little chubby girl?

>> That's Natalie.

>> That sucks.

>> Hey, nap. Nap. Gonna get us back to

[music] normal. Going to get us back to

good. Going to get back what we had and

maybe more.

We'll remember all the good times and

forget the things we should. Going to

get us back [music] to better than

before. [singing]

We can get things back to better than

before.

>> All right,

fine.

>> Here's the headline in the paper when

you freaked out at the market. [music]

Here's the house on [singing] the fire.

>> Here's the damage [music] to the Honda.

Did we crush somebody's catath?

Yes.

hours.

[laughter]

[singing and music]

>> I remember this. I made it to the

school.

>> Wait, you remember?

>> It was the year of lithium. I

>> Yes.

>> And your swim meet just last year. I'm

in the pool. So you are.

>> You're getting it. You've got it. D.

[music] Hooray!

>> Your life has kind of sucked. I think

you got it. Yay! Hooray! Hooray!

Going to get back what I lost there.

Going to find out who I was. Going to

open up the gates and let it pour.

>> And if memory makes things better, well,

memory always does. It's going to get us

back to better than before. [singing]

Make everything much [music] better than

before.

>> Better

than before. [singing]

Better than [music] before.

>> They've managed to get rid of [singing]

me. Return me to the grave. Ect electric

chair. shock we can't save.

[singing and music] They've cleared you

of my memory and many more as well. You

may have wanted some of them, but who

can ever tell? [music] Your brain waves

are more regular. The chemistry more

pure. The headaches and the nausea

[singing] will [music] pass and you'll

endure. Your son is gone forever. Go of

that. The [music] doctor's

the memories

will

the aftershocks [music]

[singing]

remain.

You wonder which is worse,

the symptom or the cure? [music]

die. Honey,

you've been at this for days.

>> Something is missing, Dan. It's like

it's tugging at me. I can almost see it.

>> Come to bed.

>> If If the memories are meant to come

back, they will.

>> Oh, hi, Miss Goodman.

I just needed to talk to Natalie about

some homework.

I know it's late. Um, she's not been

answering a phone and I thought, is

everything okay,

>> Henry?

>> Yes.

>> God, you remind me of someone.

How old are you?

>> 17.

Why?

>> I don't know.

Natalie's in her room.

>> They've [singing] managed to get rid of

me. I'm gone without a trace, but sear

the soul and leave a scar no treatment

can erase. They cut away the cancer, but

forgot [music] to fill the [singing]

hole. They move me from your memory. I'm

still there in your soul. Your life goes

back to normal now. Or so they all

believe. Your heart [singing] is in your

chest again, not hanging from your

sleeve. They've driven out [music] the

demons and they've earned [singing] you

this reprieve.

The memories

are gone.

The aftershocks

live [singing] on.

But with nothing to remember,

is there nothing left

to

[music]

Nothing to remember.

Hey.

Hey.

So, tomorrow's [singing and music] the

dance.

It's annoying, I know,

but let's go. [singing]

>> Not a chance.

>> Let me [music] know you again.

>> Not right now.

>> Okay. When? Say wait and I'll wait.

>> It's already too late.

>> There's no way it's too late. There's no

way I stay quiet. [music]

>> Just shut up [singing] and

>> Why do I get denied?

>> You remind me of

how [ __ ] up.

>> Okay.

Hey,

let's start over. Clean sleep.

I'll come by here at 8.

If you show,

then we'll go. [singing]

And if you don't, well, we'll see.

[music]

>> So, don't [singing] give up on me.

>> Goodbye.

>> [singing]

>> It's been four weeks since the treatment

and my mind is still a mess. And what's

[music] left to be remembered? Well,

it's anybody's [singing] guess cuz my

past is like the weather. It will come

and it will go. I don't know even know

[music]

what it is that I don't know. I'm

Christopher Columbus sailing out [music]

into my mind with no map of where I'm

going [singing] or of what I left

behind. I don't know [music]

the things I don't know. I'm sure some

wish it would show. I [music] don't

know.

You say take it slow and I do [music]

all [singing] how I do.

I don't know.

Are you talking with your husband?

>> Well, he hasn't much to say.

>> Is it helping you remember?

>> I remember that's his way. [music]

>> Does the puzzle come together piece by

piece and row by row?

>> I don't know. I don't know where the

[ __ ] pieces go. Cuz I don't know how

this started [music] so I won't know

when it's done. Have you talked to your

depression, your delusions, [music] and

your son?

>> My what?

>> Your husband didn't

I think you two should talk more.

>> We should talk more.

That's it. I don't even remember

marrying this man. It's not like I'm

some sexually frustrated soccer mom.

>> Interestingly, the underlying challenges

are similar, but

I'll see you next week. a doctor

>> next week.

What are you doing?

>> What is this?

>> Hey, where'd you get that?

>> Um, it's uh

[laughter] It's nothing. It's a It's

just an old music box.

>> We used to play it for the baby.

>> Sometimes it helped him sleep.

>> Diana,

>> him.

>> We did have a boy.

>> Diana, you shouldn't.

>> We were still living

It's not a good idea.

[singing]

[music]

>> The lights of the city.

>> Please don't.

How could I ever forget

outside the morning?

He had such chills, but still he lay

there so

cold.

We ran him inside,

lost, woring, wondering

that hospital room

that

could ever

[singing]

>> screaming at doctor's armed upset

will happen.

But I was shy years [singing]

ago

of joy

and a moment of dread.

Someone simply said,

your child.

How could I ever forget? How could I

ever

[music]

Why would you want to remember the

things that hurt you?

>> I want to remember everything. Dan,

>> how did he die?

>> He was sick.

with what?

Why wasn't he treated? What was wrong?

>> Something the doctor song missed.

The clinic, the ER,

each specialist

said, "Babies cry.

Allergies, gas. Who knows why?"

When I was a child, [singing]

raising a child

stayed up all night.

Most nights you slept at his side.

Still he just cried.

He was a baby when he died, but I

remember him older.

>> No, he was a baby. Um,

we should call Dr. Madden.

>> Why would we call Dr. Madden? I'm just

I'm trying to make sense of this.

God, what was his name?

I don't remember you ever saying his

name. Why is that?

>> Diana. Um,

>> what was his name?

>> Tell me.

>> It's going to be fine. It's going to be

fine. Going to go back to the doctor cuz

we caught it just in time. We'll take

the pills and pay the bills. We'll do

more ECT.

>> Our son. [music]

>> It's going to be good.

>> What was his name?

>> It's going to be good to see.

>> What was his name? [laughter]

>> What was his name? What was his name?

What was [singing and music] his name?

What was his name? What was his name?

What was his name? What was his name?

Name name. What was his name? What was

his name?

Natalie.

Why stay?

Why stay?

So steadfast and solid and stoic and

solid

for day after every day.

Why stay?

Why stay?

Why not simply give and get on with

everyone knows you tried but somehow

something died on the way.

So tell me why you stay. Why stay? Why

stay and drinking, hoping and hurting

and hoping for day after [music] [ __ ]

day? Why stay? Why stay? Why not simply

end it? We all comprehend it. And most

of the world [music and singing] say

he's better off way to be free. [music]

And maybe so is she.

I promise. A boy says forever.

A voice says, "Whatever may come will

come true." And who can know how when

all I know now [singing and music] to be

true. Is this promise that I make to

you?

>> A question. A boy wonders whe

[singing] the way that they stay for

year after year from love or from fear.

the way. That's the promise that I made

that day.

>> Here's what I [music] say to the girl

who was burning so brightly like the

light from the [singing and music] riot

above.

And still I will search for her nightly.

If you see her, please send her my love.

[music and singing]

And the boy was a boy for all seasons.

>> The boy is lost. The boy [music] is long

lost to me. Now [singing]

>> the man has forgotten his [music]

reasons.

>> The man still [singing] remembers his

vow.

>> I promise. A man says forever.

A man says I'll never regret or let you.

the promise that I made to stay. And I

stayed true,

knowing one day we'd remember that joy.

You'd remember that girl, I'd remember

that boy. Until we knew the promise I

made, I'll make it brand new.

The promise

that I made

to you.

I am more [singing] than me.

I am what might be.

I am mystery. [singing]

Come close.

Come closer,

>> Diana. There's nothing there.

>> I'm old [singing and music] this time

and forever young. I am every song that

will stay unsung. I'll find you.

>> God damn it.

[singing]

>> Natalie

>> Diana, come back here.

>> Till [music] you name me, you can't

[singing] save me. This is one old game

that I can play so [music] well.

I'm alive. I'm alive. I am so alive. And

the medicine fails [music] and the

doctors lie. I'm alive. I'm alive. I am

deathified. I'm alive.

[music] I'm so alive.

I'm alive.

>> You can't go to your dad. I have to take

my mom to the doctor.

>> Well, I'll drive.

>> No.

>> I'm alive. Daddy, let me help you.

>> No, you can't.

>> Diana, [screaming]

>> just go.

>> I'm alive.

>> Look, I I'll try to come later.

>> Okay, I'll wait for you there.

>> I'm alive.

[music]

They told me that the wiring was somehow

misfiring and screwing up the signals in

my brain. And then they told me

chemistry the juice and that the

circuitry was mixing up and making me

insane. What happens when the burn is

healed [music] but the skin is not

regrown?

What happens when last [music] comes off

and then you find the bra

in [music and singing]

another bone?

>> Relapse is very common, Diana. It's

upsetting that the delusional episodes

have returned but not entirely

unexpected.

They tried a million meds and they

strapped me to their beds and they

shrugged and told me that's the way it

goes. When finally you hit it, I asked

you just what did it. You shrugged and

said that no one really knows. What

happens if the medicine [music]

wasn't really in control?

What happens if the cut, the burn, the

break? It's never in my [music] brain or

in my blood. in my soul.

[music]

What happens if the cut, the burn, the

break

was never in my brain

or in my blood,

but in

my [singing]

soul.

Make up [singing] your mind. This is

clarity.

Clarity [music] that you did not have

before. The treatment is strong but

[singing] lasts only [music] so long.

And maybe your mind's needing [singing]

more.

>> Let's say that's not it.

>> The ECT [music] is powerful. It gave you

your life back, but the effects fade and

additional treatments are almost always

needed.

>> That wasn't on the form. Make up your

mind that you'll try [music] again.

Make up your mind. There are moments of

light. The one thing that [music] sure

is that there is no cure. But that

doesn't mean we don't fight.

>> We'll return to talk therapy.

>> There's still work to do.

We might have to look at a

>> a new drug regimen.

>> There are other promising therapies.

EMDR for instance or TMS.

[singing]

>> Diana, you have a chronic illness

like diabetes or hypertension. If left

untreated, it could be catastrophic.

>> I understand.

But there has to be another way.

>> Stay with me. Try again.

Don't walk out on treatment. Don't lose

what you've won. You've struggled for

years, but you've only begun.

My first psychiatrist told me that

according to the manual,

grief that continues past 6 [music]

months is pathological

and should be medicated.

6 months

for the life of my child

who makes these decisions.

>> It's a guideline, nothing more.

>> Yes.

Nothing more. [music and singing]

>> Try again.

[music] You know that it's not. We know

it's not perfect, [singing] but it's

what we've got.

It's all

goodbye, Dr. Madden.

So, what did he say?

Uh, he said I could do more ECT or go

back on the meds.

>> Okay. So, what are you going to do?

>> I'm going to take you to your dance.

>> Mom, it's time you start thinking of

your own happiness.

>> It's not happiness. It's Henry.

You love him.

>> Mommy, you can't just walk out on your

doctor.

Maybe [singing] I've lost it. At last

[singing]

moment

I'm dancing [music]

with

[singing]

[singing]

the game

of coming up [singing and music] short

of the rules, of the shame. And maybe

you feel that [singing and music] way,

too.

I see me.

A girl [music and singing] full of anger

and hope.

A girl [singing and music] with a mother

who just

couldn't cope.

A girl who felt caught

and thought no one could see.

But maybe [singing and music] one day

she'll be free.

It's so lovely [music] that you're

[singing] sharing. No, really, I'm all

ears. But where is all this caring been?

For 16 years. For all those [singing]

years I prayed that you'd go away.

for good.

Half the time afraid that you really

would.

When I thought you might be [music]

dying, I cried for all [singing] we'd

never be. But there'll be no more cry.

Not for me. [music]

Will get better, [singing] you'll see.

Not for me.

Not for me. [music]

>> Not for me. Not for you'll see.

Maybe

we're tough and we'll try. Anyway,

we'll

let go of what's past

and maybe I'll see you at last.

I don't believe you.

17 years ago, your brother died of an

intestinal obstruction.

He was 8 months old.

I know I I couldn't say that to you

before.

I'm sorry.

We wanted to give you a normal life.

I realize I have no clue what that is.

I don't need a life that's normal.

That's way tooal.

Somethingal

that's [music]

close enough to normal. [singing]

[singing]

We'll get by.

We'll get by.

Okay,

now go to your dance.

Hey,

>> you look like a star,

a vision in blue. [singing]

>> Oh, I do.

>> And you are.

Hey,

you came

>> I thought we were through.

Me and you. [singing]

>> Not tonight.

>> Will your mom be okay?

>> Well, she [music] might be someday,

[singing]

>> but for now it's all fine.

>> She's still on my mind.

>> Can you leave it behind?

Let's see this thing. Crazy.

I might end up crazy.

>> I'll be here for you.

>> You say that right here,

but then give it a year or 10 [music]

years or a life. I could end up your

wife sitting staring the walls, throwing

[ __ ] down the [music] stairs, freaking

out at the store, running nude down the

street, bleeding out in the back.

Perfect.

So you could go crazy or I could go

crazy.

It's true.

But crazy

I know I [singing] can do

crazy is perfect and [ __ ] up is

perfect. So I will be perfect

perfect [singing]

for [singing]

you.

So anyway,

I'm leaving.

I thought you'd like to know.

You're faithful.

But clearly I can't

go that way.

So here I go.

And anyway,

I'm leaving.

I guess that you can see.

I'll try this on my own. A life.

I'll face the dread alone,

but I'll be free.

With you always beside me. [music]

>> [singing]

[music]

>> solid ground at all

with you always

come through.

It makes me feel the fool to know that

it's not true.

What doctors call dysfunction, we tried

to call romance. True. It's quite a

trick to tell the [music and singing]

dancers from the dance. But ra chance,

I'll take a chance.

I'll take a chance.

It's that or stay and die.

I loved you once and you love me.

It's time for me.

I loved you.

I love you.

I know

it's time for me

to go.

And so

goodbye.

I am the one who loved you.

I am the one who stayed. I am the one

and you walked away.

>> [singing]

>> And now you act like you just don't give

a damn.

Like you [singing] never knew

I am.

>> I am the one who knows.

>> I am the one you feel. I am the one who

always. [singing and music]

I am the one who hear

>> you [singing] know.

>> Can't you just leave me alone?

[singing]

>> I am.

Why don't you go with her?

[music]

[singing]

Go. And I won't let go. [music]

[singing]

You don't know.

I am the one who helped you. I am the

[music] one who cried. I am the one who

watch you die. [singing]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I am the one who

[music] loved you. I tried pretending

that I don't give a damn.

But you've always [singing] known who I

am.

Gabe

Gabriel.

death.

What the hell? Why are the lights off?

There's mom.

She's

She's

gone.

So, it's uh

it's just me and you for now.

>> Yeah.

Hey.

Okay.

Okay.

We [singing] need some light.

First of all, [singing]

you can't sit here in the dark

and all [singing] alone.

It's a sight. It's just you and me.

We'll live. You'll see.

Night after night,

we'd sit and wait for the morning light.

But we've [music] waited far too

[singing]

long for all that's wrong to be made

right.

Day after day,

wishing [singing] all our cares away.

Trying to [singing] fight the things we

feel. But some hurts never. [singing]

Some ghosts are never gone, but we go

[singing] on.

We still go on

and you find some way to survive.

And you [singing] find out you don't

[music] have to be happy at all

to be happy or alive.

>> Do you know where she went? Have you

heard from her?

>> Yeah. Yeah, I heard from her. She's

staying with my grandparents.

>> Do they actually exist?

>> Yes.

>> So, that's good, right?

>> Well, going home has never been a

solution to any of my problems.

>> Well, that's what you got me for.

>> Seriously, you're like number three on

my list of issues.

>> You keep a list.

>> Don't worry, Henry. They're my favorite

problem.

>> That's all I ask.

Day after [music]

day,

[singing]

give me clouds and rain and pray.

[singing]

Give me pain if that's what's [music]

real. Cuz the price [singing] we pay to

feel.

The price of love [music] is lost. But

still we pay

[music and singing]

we love anyway.

[singing]

Look, I know you can't tell me if you're

treating her. Uh, I just wonder if she's

okay.

>> I think she's working on it and she's

aware of the risks.

Do you think she'll come home?

It's hard to say,

right? Dan,

would you like me to recommend someone

for you to talk to?

>> No.

Yes. Yes, I would. Thank you.

And [music] when the night has finally

gone, and when we see the [singing] new

day dawn, we wonder how we wandered for

so long, so [music and singing] blind.

The wasted world we thought we knew. The

light will make it look brand new. Heat.

Heat.

[music]

[singing]

[music]

Yeah.

Heat.

[music]

We find a way [music] to find our way.

Knowing [music] that the dark skies will

someday

when our long night is done.

There will be light.

Will [music] be light. Heat. Heat.

[music]

[singing]

[music]

>> [singing]

[music]

>> Heat. Heat.

[music]

Heat.

[music and singing]

Heat.

[music]

Heat.

[applause]

Heat.

[cheering]

[applause]

>> [applause]

[applause]

>> Heat. Heat.

[cheering]

>> [applause]

[applause]

>> Heat. [applause and cheering]

[applause]

[cheering]

Heat.

Heat. Heat. [applause]

[applause]

[applause and cheering]

[music]

Heat.

[music]

Heat. [music]

Heat. Heat.

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> [music]

>> Heat. Heat.

[music]

>> [music]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> There was a time when I flew higher.

>> [singing and music]

>> wild.

Now I see her feel the fire.

Now I know she needs me there to share.

I'mware

all these blank trilms

they dried [singing]

up all my tears.

And while she [singing]

runs free,

seems my [singing] wild days

are past

the mountain.

I miss

all the [singing] magic days

and [music] the dark depressing nights.

I miss the mountains.

I miss the highs [singing] and lows.

All the climbing, all the falling,

all the while the wild wind blows,

stinging you with snow and soaking you

with rain.

I

miss

the pain.

Mountains make you crazy. Here it's safe

and sound. [singing]

My mind is somewhere hazy. My feet are

on [music] the ground. [singing]

Everything is balanced here and on an

even kill.

Everything is [singing]

perfect.

Nothing real.

Nothing's real.

And I

miss the mountain.

I

miss the lonely climb.

Wandering through the wilderness

and spending all my [singing] time where

the air is clear and cuts you like the

knife. [music and singing]

I

miss the mountains.

[singing]

I miss

I miss

my

life.