Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

♪ Angels around my door ♪

♪ Angels around my house ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ Not Halloween anymore ♪

♪ Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse ♪

♪ Oh, holidays are hell ♪

♪ Merriness and

♪ Oh, holidays are hell ♪

♪ I'll knock by a candle to know when you're here ♪

No!

Strut it, bitch. Strut it.

♪ Oh, I can see clothes remind me of you ♪

♪ And it's easy to understand ♪

♪ The clear in the coat that's so see-through ♪

♪ Melts in my mouth and in my hand ♪

- Camping Joshua Tree? Morty hates nature.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, dislike.

Where, where's the dislike, where's the dislike button?

Really don't need this today!

♪ Can you feel it in the air ♪

♪ Good times are gonna last forever ♪

♪ Baby, it's a time to share ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight, we're gonna be together ♪

♪ I'm waiting under the mistletoe ♪

♪ Jingle bell sleigh and go through the snow ♪

♪ So wrong, it feels so right but ♪

♪ Oh, baby let's get together this Christmas ♪

♪ Let's get together this Christmas ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby, I've been all alone ♪

♪ Hearing your voice on the telephone ♪

♪ Why don't you come back to me ♪

♪ I'm wrapping presents under the tree ♪

♪ Snow's fallin', I'm callin' ♪

♪ Will you be ♪

♪ Here in the morning ♪

♪ The only good time is ♪

♪ Will you come back to me ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

Katie? Hi!

Oh my God! Oh!

Hi, Mom.

- I'm so glad you're home! Oh, I'm gonna crush you.

- Oh my God! Okay. - Let me look at you.

You look great, but, but different.

Here, sit down. Have a cookie.

I'm not hungry.

- But the chocolate chip frosties. You, you love these.

- Mom, those like have like 30 grams of carbs in them.

- I just, I just made them, you know?

You don't know how much trouble I went through to make them.

- No, I'm just like trying to cut back,

and I'm not gonna eat one, and like neither should you.

Just be a little healthy.

- Hello. - Hi. I'm Alex.

- Hello? - May I?

Wow. These are delicious.

Are these on the menu for a Christmas-Hanukah?

It's Chrismanukah.

Alex is joining us for dinner.

Oh.

You didn't mention anything about bringing a guest.

Well, now you know.

Alex, can you help me with those bags?

- The general has spoken. Yeah, come on.

- Thanks, Mom. I'm really excited to be back.

It's gonna be fun!

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ The wildest plants grow wild around you ♪

Mm, that's good.

♪ Through concrete blocks and red brick walls ♪

♪ The loneliness finds the better of me ♪

- Okay, this has to be the best acai chia pudding

- I've ever had. - Mm-hmm.

I wish I was a kite. How'd you get so smart, Bumby?

You're embarrassing me, Bambi.

Oh, I'm embarrassing you? I'm embarrassing you?

♪ Held on my best friend ♪

♪ Leaving me ♪

So how did you two meet?

Craigslist.

I hired Alex to tutor me for a Spanish midterm.

I knew something was up

when he translated the entire "Bad Money" album for me.

- I ran out of herbs to conjugate.

Hmm.

Oh, oh, you don't, you don't have to.

- No, no, I, I insist. I want to.

Thank you.

So you've been dating two months and you never mentioned it?

- You never asked. - Does your father know?

He's been really busy.

I haven't really talked to him lately.

- Yeah, glamping in the Mojave Desert is difficult work.

How do you know about that?

- Sue Hobart must have mentioned it.

Anyway, I'm, I'm glad you met someone.

- I'm glad because he needs a place to stay for the break.

- The whole break? - Mm-hmm.

- Sweetheart, that's, that's a, that's a month.

- But he can't go back to New York

because he's been slaving away on his thesis.

- Sweetheart, listen, I, I can see

that you're getting worked up.

When I get worked up, I do these mantras.

Mom, I don't need mantras!

- They're really- - I need Alex.

Mom!

- Why doesn't he stay with his own family?

Sweetheart, your new boyfriend seems very devoted,

- Sh, sh! Shut up! - okay?

- Sh, Mom. Like it's not official yet.

- What? Wait, so, so he's not your boyfriend?

No, we're just not like,

we're just not saying that word yet.

We haven't labeled it.

Katie, I'm sorry,

but your, your your new special man friend can't stay.

- Seriously? - Yeah, seriously.

You don't want me to be happy?

No, it's not that. It's not that, honey.

- No, you want me to be alone and miserable like you.

What do you even do all day besides Facebook stalk Evelyn?

- I'm so sorry we put this on you. I can stay in Long Beach.

- It's fine. - Long Beach?

- What's in Long Beach? - I've got friends.

- No, you know, if, if he can't stay, I'm going, too.

We will just stay at Dad and Evelyn's.

Just stop.

Just, fine.

- You both can stay. - Thank you.

Got any more of those cookies?

Really? Really, guys?

Why are you wearing my mom's kimono?

- I thought it was for guests. - What?

Hey, question.

Does your mom, does she usually let guys stay over?

Hasn't really come up.

- Who's this dud? - Oh, ew! Don't look at that.

I hate my profile on that picture.

I'll be honest with you.

I wouldn't deflowered you behind the bleachers at prom.

- That wasn't prom. That was my debutante ball.

- Oh, excuse me, the ball. You gonna see him over the break?

- Yeah. You will, too. - Menage-a-trois?

- No, ew. - It's my brother Eli.

- You took your brother to the ball?

- I went to an all-girls school.

Only the fashion queens have boyfriends.

Okay.

- How many girlfriends have you had?

Well, let's see.

There was, there was Dana from the block.

There was Angela with the killer ass,

but hers was bubbly, not firm like yours,

and then there was Skye who was like five years older

- than I was. - Okay, I get it.

You've had a lot of experience.

- Hey, I'm not your first boyfriend, am I?

So you are my boyfriend?

- Okay, sure. You can call me that.

- Morning, honey. I made your favorite breakfast.

- Morning. - That's my kimono.

- Yeah, Katie actually said that I could, I could-

- No, no, it's, it's fine. It's fine, it's...

Where, where is she?

She's brunching with Morty.

- She didn't mention it to me. Why didn't you go with her?

I needed my beauty sleep.

Are those your famous lemon ricotta pancakes?

- Famous? - Yeah.

Katie tried to make those one time

- after our first study session. - Really? She cooks?

- Well, we had to throw away the pan.

- Well, what else does Katie cook of mine?

- Well, I actually do all the cooking.

- Really? What's, what's your specialty?

I make a mean arroz con pollo.

Impressive.

- So you've only got one more semester. What's the plan?

Well, still figuring it out,

but I aced my abnormal psych final.

- That's worthless without a Master's.

And I have a boyfriend now.

- Hmm. - Alex.

Alex.

- He's number one in the architecture program.

He even got an award.

- Now that is an employable major.

- Mm-hmm. - Where's he interning?

- We haven't really talked about it.

Should he have something lined up?

- You know, I have a lipo patient that works at Pensler.

- I'll ask her to meet him. - Would you really, Daddy?

- Why not? - Thank you!

- But you, you need some marketable skills

if you ever wanna get hired.

You can help Evelyn with the accounting in the office.

What? I'm a student.

- Yeah, student who's on winter break right now. Come here.

I've got some great news. Evelyn is pregnant.

- Wow. Wow. - Wow is right.

Mom is gonna hit the roof.

- Sweet pea, it's gonna be a girl.

You always wanted to be a big sister,

and you're the first person in the family to find out.

So be there tomorrow 9:00 AM sharp.

You hear from Eli? He won't return my calls, fucker.

- Mom, I'm sorry. - I keep missing you.

- Yeah, no, actually, can I, can I just vent for,

for just one second, please?

Katie is in your father's clutches.

She is at his office working all the time,

- Katie's working? - and, and when she is home,

she's, she just, she just avoids me

and, and holes up with her new lover boy.

Bonafide bae?

Unlike the alleged Bobby Rothstein

from Shalom Santa Monica who never called?

I didn't see anything about this on Insta.

- No, he's been here a week eating gelato

out of the container and wearing my kimono.

Oh, so Katie's dating Liberace.

- No, actually, he's, he's, he's quite heterosexual.

Her room sounds like a porn set.

Maybe she'll snap out of it when you're here.

I'm just, I just can't wait for you to get here, really.

Bad news. I talked to Mitch.

This AM, we've got the arraignment

for the Hodgkins case on the 28th.

He says I can't leave town. I'm sorry.

If it goes well, I'm on track to make partner.

- Oh, well that's, that's, I mean,

I was really looking forward to seeing you.

Mom, I know.

- Well, that's, that's great, honey. That's wonderful.

I'll visit in March. I promise.

- Okay. Yeah. I, I understand. - I love you. I'm sorry.

All right, love you.

You motherfucker. God.

Pick up the phone, Morty.

This is Morty. Leave a message.

- You're procreating with that child?

I, I thought you said you were never gonna do that again,

you fucking bastard!

You took the best years of my life, Morty!

You really did, and why the fuck do you get the do-over?

You fuck!

- Don't mind me. I just forgot my ice cream.

You need anything?

- I, I dropped my phone in the pool.

Thanks, but it's a worthless brick now.

- Architects have a way with bricks.

I can show you. Come on.

So you and your phone are gonna have

to spend a few hours apart.

- Oh wait. Hey, that's for dinner.

- Trust me. I worked at the Genius Bar.

This does the job every time.

So was this mishap related

to that Bota-blond Jezebel's pregnancy?

You know, too? Son of a bitch.

I mean, I, I have to find out about it on the internet?

I, I, I, I swear to God, I wanna,

I wanna to just run Morty over with each of his three cars

and watch him fucking bleed to death.

Wow. Okay.

I now see where Katie gets her, her passion from.

- Sorry, I, I don't usually talk like this.

I'm just been, I've been a little emotional.

I'm just kidding.

But look, that idiot's got two parasites sucking

on him now for the rest of his life,

and you are free to do whatever it is that you want.

- Yeah. It's, it's fucking terrifying.

- Katie mentioned that you wanted

to do a Fulbright in Spain when you were in college?

- Well, yeah, I mean, maybe back then.

You know, speaking of Katie, she's gonna be home soon.

I'll cook.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

Unlike Katie, I know how to use a skillet.

Go have some fun.

- All right, thanks. - Yeah.

- You've been through twice already.

Planning to eat off the hood?

- Hooked on that pine mist scent.

There's worst vices, I guess.

- And then Eli drove Nancy's rust bucket

into the Hobarts' mailbox.

Oh, I am so bummed you're not gonna get to meet him.

- Rust bucket? - Mm, 'cause it is.

- That's a 1973 Beamer out there. It's a classic.

Speaking of, you think Nancy

will let me take out the classic for a spin, or?

- I thought you didn't know how to drive stick.

- Well, I don't, but I'm a good student.

Here. I want you to try this.

And you tell me what you think my secret ingredient is.

It's hot.

- Baking soda. - Baking soda?

Mm. Is that cumin I smell?

Bingo!

Alex is making Cuban rice.

- Oh. Wow. - He's an amazing chef.

- Well, it's my grandmother's secret recipe.

So she deserves a credit.

Well, it smells delicious.

- Thank you. Oh. - Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, you're a genius. Thank you so much.

- It's water resistant. - What happened to your phone?

- I spilled water on it while I was cooking the rice. Yeah.

- So how do we feel about the devil's spawn? Huh?

- Studies link low IQ to geriatric sperm.

Katie.

Katie.

- Gently and, oh. - Okay, okay.

You need to just step on the accelerator a little bit more

when you release the clutch.

You're gonna just keep stalling, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

- Won't you, won't you put on some tunes, teach?

All I have are these tapes.

- Even better. Cassettes are the new vinyl.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You threw my Nancy Drew books ♪

♪ My model horses from Massachusetts ♪

- So groovy. It's, it's lo-fi.

Tuscadero's best album.

Came out the summer I interned in DC.

Nancy? is this song about you?

No, I was just their merch girl,

but the girls did actually sing it to me

when I had to leave the nightclub early for work.

- Who'd you intern for? Some, some handsy dude?

- Barbara Boxer, actually, when she was first starting out.

- So what happened? - To what?

Your political career.

Morty proposed.

I'll tell you what.

I know just the place where we can pick up some new tapes.

Wanna go on an adventure, Nancy Drew?

- Sure. Yeah. - Okay!

♪ I don't know just what possessed you ♪

♪ If I were a cop, I'd arrest you ♪

♪ Mom, what's going on ♪

♪ I know to you it seemed like trash ♪

♪ But did you have to do something quite so rash ♪

♪ Dad, this is really bad ♪

♪ You threw out my Nancy Drew books ♪

♪ My model horses from Massachusetts ♪

♪ All my Barbies ♪

♪ And all my Kens ♪

♪ My stuffed animals, my childhood friends ♪

- Oh, hey! You know Katie loves the dumplings from Mao's.

You wanna get some?

- I'm not really hungry. - You? Everything okay?

- It's just I didn't wanna stress Katie out,

and I spent all this money on presents.

My student loans haven't kicked in,

and now my phone's gonna get shut off.

Now I'm, nevermind. Now I'm burdening you.

- No you're not. You know, I had a life before Pasadena.

I grew up on a farm in upstate New York,

so I kind of get being hard up.

- You're just full of surprises, huh?

Hey, look, I can show you my drum skills

for my busking days.

What haven't you done?

My high school counselor said

that I know a little about a lot.

- Come on. - okay.

Are your teeth singing?

You okay?

- What? I did everything you asked me to do.

We're closing in a half hour.

- Then fucking find something to do.

- Do not swear in front of my sister.

- Pretty sure it can't hear me. It's the size of an avocado.

What...

Katie? What is up, my bitch?

Are you finally getting that procedure?

- What procedure? - Nevermind.

What are you, like a secretary now?

- Nope, just helping out the old man.

What are you, here for a touch up?

Arjun put a ring on it.

I wanna look my best for our big day.

- Well, my boyfriend is starting a job at Pensler,

and we're getting a place together.

- With no ring? You always were such a pioneer.

Will I meet this fairytale prince

at the Holiday Sensation and Marina del Rey?

Yeah! Definitely.

Go right in.

- Dad. - Yeah.

- Why didn't you invite me to the Holiday Sensation?

Because it's on Christmanukah.

- Listen, I haven't smoked weed since the 90s,

and I, I really don't know what they're growing these days.

The, the details are just a little bit fuzzy,

- but whatever happened - Yeah?

- never happened. - Okay.

- Hi. - Where were you?

I called to see if you wanted M&Ms for your houses.

- I was just giving Alex a driving lesson.

- Yeah. Hi, baby. - Hey, baby.

- Yeah. - Ew.

You smell like patchouli.

- Oh yeah. It's 'cause we were in Venice.

It was bad reception.

Yeah, but this is, this is so nice, sweetheart!

I didn't think you liked gingerbread.

I don't, but I know you do.

- Aw. - Have a seat, Mom. Come on.

- So cute. - Thank you.

- This is great. - You start.

♪ I'm waiting for you to come back to me ♪

♪ I'm hoping you make it home early ♪

♪ The scene is all set for this evening ♪

♪ If Santa came now ♪

- Wow, you really got a knack for this, Bumby!

- Well, I was a pastry chef in high school.

- Well, aren't you the little renaissance man.

Yours looks good too, honey.

- Mine looks like a forest fire destroyed it.

- Well, I might get a little white, if you just-

- No, I think I got it. - No, let me just show you.

- If you just do a little bit - No.

- like this, it'll be fine. - It's fine, Mom.

- If I can just show you- - I don't need your help. Mom!

- Mom, I don't need your help! - Okay, okay! Okay.

- Stop. - You know,

I wanted to spend some quality time with you tonight

because I have some news that you're not gonna like.

- You're flaking on Christmas brunch

- at the Midnight Mission. - Yeah, that, too.

Dad is starting a new family,

and he wants me to be a part of it,

so he invited us to the Holiday Sensation.

It's on the 24th.

- This is so typical. That is so typical of him.

I mean, it's just like that time

when I wanted to go camping in Yosemite

and he showed up with VIP tickets to Disneyland.

Not everything is about you!

You know what? I'm, I'm done.

- I am done crafting with Nancy. - Baby,

a house can't stand on three walls.

So let's just stay for one more-

- So you're on her side now? - Okay. Okay.

So, so you're gonna,

you're gonna leave me alone on Chrismanukah

so that you can go spend it with Morty

and his harem of wax figurines.

Is that, is that what-

- Those wax figurines paid for this house!

It's unbelievable.

- Baby. - Katie!

You okay?

I'm fine.

- Hey, did you sneak out this morning?

- Well, the persimmons, they sell out by 1:00 PM.

Yeah, it just feels weird

'cause it feels like you're avoiding me,

which is funny because you're the one that-

- No, sh, sh, sh, sh! Do not say it out loud please.

Relax. Katie's not here.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Your secret's safe with me.

I won't tell anyone that you can't do a pull-up.

You wanna see what I got her at the market?

Yeah, sure.

- You think she'll like it? - Yeah, it's cool.

It's a, a rock.

- No, it's, it's eye light. It's a gemstone.

A stone, yeah.

- Right. Yeah, you know, it's stupid.

It's, it's, it's something Katie

would've liked when she was eight.

- I'll, I'll just- - No-

No, I'm gonna just donate it

to the National Charity League.

- It's- - I thought it was cute.

Oh, hi! Go around the back.

Expecting company?

- Nance, I saw you at the market and tried to catch you.

I didn't see you.

- Who's this? Am I interrupting something?

- Oh gosh, no, no. It's, it's Katie's boyfriend, Alex.

Hmm. So, so where's she?

- She's at working - She's at work.

She's at work with her dad.

- Oh. Anyway, I've got someone for you.

A silver fox named Jeff Schneider.

Actually, you know, I'm,

I'm not really ready to start dating just yet.

- Come on, Nance. It's been a year.

He's a scientist at JPL, divorced.

He has an extra ticket

to "The Night of the Rose" at the Dorothy Chandler,

and it's Friday night, and I know you don't have any plans.

So call him. I've gotta jet.

Okay. See ya.

- I can't, I, I can't, I can't call, I can't call him.

Solar system ambassador?

- I can't. Do you know I have not gone?

The last time I went on a date with a stranger,

I was wearing culottes, okay?

What am I gonna wear?

- We'll start by finding you an outfit.

- So like, what? You're like a stylist now?

Here, try this one.

It looks a little small.

Show off that yoga bod.

Well?

That's the one.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, it's $400. It's too much.

Hey. Follow me.

What?

Hey, hey, hey. Did we just steal this?

- Come on. I prefer to call it adopting.

- Okay, so I, I don't wanna be banned from Mission Street.

We gotta take it back. Come on.

- Okay, well if we do that, we'll be arrested.

- We better fucking move it! - Let's go.

Come on.

Give me the keys!

- That was, that was, that was some opera, wasn't it?

- Yeah. Yeah, it was. - Yeah.

I, I hadn't, I hadn't seen it before.

I didn't know there was so much sex in it.

I just, I hope that wasn't awkward or anything.

Oh no. No, I loved it.

- Yeah. - I can't stop thinking

about when he just rips her bodice off, so.

- Yeah. - It's hot.

- Yeah. That, that was a good moment.

Yeah.

- This might be me being analytical,

but, you know, that's me.

I'm not sure I bought into the whole Marchel

and Octavian relationship, you know?

- It just didn't, you know? - Hmm. Why?

You don't believe a young man

could find an ancient 30-year-old woman attractive?

- No, no, it's not that. It's just, confession.

Look, I had a huge crush

on my high school math teacher, right?

But why would Mr. Lubucki wanna have anything

to do with me, this sweaty, Atari-playing dweeb, you know?

- Well, sometimes attraction isn't rational.

- Marchel is this beautiful, sophisticated, elegant woman,

and she deserves a partner.

Well, maybe Marchel

would've given the age-appropriate option a chance

if he lived in her kingdom.

Anything ever happen with Ms. Lubucki?

- She saw me naked once. - Oh. Really?

So you conquered your queen?

- No, no. - Not even close.

It was, I was streaking by her car after Homecoming.

Yeah, and so anyway.

- Oh really? You wanna get outta here?

Yes. Let me just pay this.

Screw the bill. Let's just go.

- What, do you mean like dine and dash? Just like run out?

We can't do that. I mean, nobody's gonna pay for it.

Of course. I was, I was just kidding.

- Just a joke. - You had me though.

You totally had me. I was like, "Okay."

No, Rosalba said that you were a little left of center.

I mean, she didn't say you were, you know, certifiable.

Yoga bod, huh?

Ugh!

One for you and one for me.

I stopped at Bloomie's today.

- For mois? - Isn't it gorge?

Yeah.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh, Lindsay Hobart is gonna be so jealous.

- Yeah? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, by the way, I told her that we were moving in together.

She was just showing off that gauche ring,

and I just had to mess with her.

- It's okay, baby. I'll play along with you little fib.

Oh, I also told her

that you were getting a job at Pensler,

but actually, one of my dad's patients

who works there will be on the cruise.

- Yeah, baby, I, I just don't know if Pensler

is the, the right firm for me.

Oh, still a good contact.

- I'm just not sure if I wanna be an architect.

What? What else would you do?

It was just,

it's an idea that's been bouncing around in my mind.

- That is ridiculous. You are the best in your program.

Morty's gonna get you schmoozing with all of his buddies.

Okay, come on. Put on the jacket, finishing touch.

Yeah?

- Oh, we are gonna kill it tomorrow.

Yeah. Thank you.

- Also, Evelyn booked us hair appointments at three,

so can you just Uber over to the dock?

All the way to Marina del Rey?

I'll reimburse you.

So sexy! Lindsay is going to lose it.

♪ You'll never be alone, you'll never be alone ♪

- Is Alex joining us? - He's working on his thesis.

- Oh. - Why?

- Oh, because I used his poaching technique,

but I'll just put his in the fridge.

- You got a little glow. - Oh yeah?

- Tired from last night? - No. Why?

Alex said you had a date.

- Oh, yeah. Well, I don't think we connected.

- Mom, you can't be too picky at your age.

Thanks.

- Are you gonna make latkes? I can help peel potatoes.

- Well, there's really no reason.

I'm just gonna FaceTime date with Eli,

and we'll light the menorah,

and I'll probably just order Chinese.

I know it sounds crazy,

but why don't you come to Marina del Rey?

That's very funny.

That, that's, that's funny, Katie.

No, I would sooner sink on the Titanic

than share a lifeboat with those two.

- Oh my God. Don't be so dramatic.

- I'm not being dramatic. I'm just telling you how it is.

- Dad and Evelyn can sit at another table.

You still have time to pick out a new outfit.

I mean, I got Alex an amazing suit.

- Oh honey, does he even wanna go to this thing?

Alex is not your buddy.

He's just nice because he feels sorry for you.

Wow.

- You ready to get crazy? - Mm-hmm.

- We're going on a boat. - Have a couple drinks.

- Wait, wait! - What?

I'm not waiting for this clown anymore.

- He's usually so reliable. - I bet he is.

We're sorry. This number has been disconnected.

What the hell?

- What? - Hey, guys!

The Holiday Sensation is that way.

- Brad. How are ya? - Hey.

- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Where the fuck's the boat?

- Oh, didn't you get my email blast? Mechanical failure.

So we set up a nautical theme at the hotel.

- This is bullshit. - I'm not going to this.

Come here. We're going.

I spent 300 bucks on you and the trivia question, okay?

So we're gonna all stuff our face

with 300 bucks a prime rib, hmm?

♪ Lift your spirits high ♪

♪ Lift up your spirits so high ♪

♪ So high, so high, so high ♪

- Hi. - You came.

- Duh. I wasn't gonna leave you alone on Chrismanukah.

Am I too late?

- Where, where's Katie? - She's on a boat.

What, do you need a light? Here.

Hanukah.

- Oh. - Oh.

It's beautiful.

You okay?

Fuck. Sorry, sorry.

- Did, did, did you just-

Yeah, I just, I couldn't...

- Oh, I thought you said she was on a boat.

- I thought she was, too! - Oh!

Mom?

- Mom? - Fuck.

- Mama! - Eli?

- Hey. - Hey!

- Who are you? - Oh! Baby!

- Hey, Mom. - I wanted to surprise you.

- Well, you did. - Surprise!

- Who's this? - Katie's boyfriend.

- Alex, this is my son Eli. - Ah, and she's-

Aboard the Holiday Sensation.

With her dad. Yeah, with your dad, yeah, uh-huh.

Cool, and what's going on?

- Just, we, we're just, let, let me get you a scotch.

- Okay. You're the architect. - Yeah.

- Katie. - Mr. Crotty.

I heard you're graduating.

I have three letters for you, NFT. Will you consider it?

- All the girls in my book club invested in crypto.

Come on, Mom. Pick up.

Did you see her? Solo again.

- Bragging about this fake boyfriend.

Who knew she could be more desperado

than she was at the ball?

Dr. Rosenfeld must hate that nose.

Poor little Nosenfeld.

Nosenfeld?

Dad. Dad, can we go home?

Red or black?

Red. Whatever.

Dad. Do you think I have a big nose?

You're beautiful just the way you are.

Really?

Okay, you know what? No.

You're an adult. You want my professional opinion.

Life would be a whole lot easier

if you didn't have Grandma's schnoz.

- You said I didn't need one when I was 15!

No, your mom made me say that.

Oh yeah, again. Come on, keep it coming.

I'm gonna stay with red, right?

Katie, hello.

Lindsay's skipping dessert.

Getting that honeymoon bod ready for Mumbai.

- Where's your beau? - Set me up.

Next time I see him, I'm gonna chop his dick off.

- Oh, that's, that's too bad. How's Nancy?

Why don't you ask her?

You haven't been over since the divorce.

Honey, wipe your face.

Honeymoon bod isn't a thing.

Everybody has a beach bod, even you!

- Your dad takes these all the time.

One is fine.

Did you call Sue Hobart fat?

- No. I was saying that she was playing into misogyny.

Nevermind. This party fucking sucks.

- It's a blast compared to the Thanksgiving Voyage.

At least this one has alcohol.

Pregnant!

Just a sip.

- How do you stomach these people?

- Better than blowing the district manager

at Cracker Barrel.

You should hang on to that architect.

- The one who ditched me? - You like this guy.

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

- I mean, he could have an excuse.

I don't even know where he is.

Oh, they always turn up.

Next time you see him, surprise him with something kinky,

and he'll be eating outta your hands.

- Give him the Pasadena Poke. - You mean like Facebook?

Finger up the ass.

- Okay, you can yell at me, you can beat me,

but please don't castrate me.

Why would I do that?

- Because you're holding a really large knife.

- There is no problem a little tea time can't fix.

Please explain.

- Whenever we had a fight growing up,

Nancy made us sit at the table drinking tea

and eating cheese until we worked it out.

Okay. Can I take a leak first?

- No pee breaks. - Okay.

And no weed!

Okay.

So what happened tonight?

- Look, I spent all this money on presents.

Shipping was expensive, so I couldn't pay for my phone bill.

It got shut off, and I missed, I missed the Uber.

I couldn't call an Uber.

- I could've helped you if you told me.

- I didn't wanna put that on you.

- I'm your partner. - Even though I'm a fuck up?

- You were just testing me, see how much I care.

You are not a fuck up.

- Even if I stood you up in front

of all your friends and your dad on a holiday?

- You are the most generous guy I know.

You give the squeegee guy your last $5.

You go down on me for 45 minutes,

and you even hang out with my lonely mom.

Yeah, I try.

- Here, put your phone on my auto pay.

- You don't have to, but thank you.

I'm a healer.

- But I need to know you won't disappear on me again.

I'm right here.

- I have a little Chrismanukah present for you.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- My stocking stuffer? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, whoa, what was that?

Pasadena Poke. You like?

Yeah, but you could've asked.

- 'Sup, fool? They let you out of lawyer jail early?

- Who's getting laid and didn't tell me?

- We have so much to catch up on.

Did mom give you your Christmas pajamas?

No.

- Where is she? - Let's go get her.

- I haven't seen her all morning.

- Come on. - Mom! Mom!

Mom!

- I don't know. - Merry Christmas!

- Finally! - Mom.

- Morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Did you sleep well, honey?

- Well, a little jet lag. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Christmas pajamas?

- Thank you. - There you are.

And actually, we have a little problem.

I didn't know if you were coming.

So I actually sent yours to New York to your place.

- What? - Yeah. Well, I didn't know.

- These are for Alex. - Oh, he'll be right down.

I let him sleep in.

- Oh, so, so you guys are okay then.

- Better than ever. - Wait.

So he gets pajamas and I don't?

- Well, I, like I said-

- Did I hear something about pajamas?

- Mom got you your very own Rosenfeld Chrismanukah pajamas.

Wow. Thank you.

Wait, so I don't get pajamas?

- Honey, I, I told you they're at your place.

Well, you could've ordered some.

- Eli, here, dude. Take mine, it's cool.

- No, no, no. They're, they're yellow and blue.

- I insist. - No, no, no.

I, I'm a Trojan, not a Bruin. Return pile.

I don't want mine either.

Geez.

These are wonderful. Thank you.

- What do you say we open some presents?

That one's from me.

"The Arithmetic of Life and Death."

- My psych professor recommended it.

She said it helped her get

through her second and third divorce.

- Ah. - No way.

I got mom a book, too.

- See? - Twins.

You guys.

"Alone but Not Always Lonely."

- Ooh. - I'm sensing a theme here.

So where's my big present?

Oh, okay.

I know that you

have been really practicing your Spanish lately.

Thanks to Bumby.

Katie, you've worked so hard.

- What the fuck? - It's Rosalba.

She's getting back into her voiceover work. Isn't she great?

Yeah.

Walk the cobblestone streets of Madrid.

Explore the paintings of the masters in Prado.

Alhambra, one of the great wonders.

Moorish poets described it as a pearl set in emeralds.

- What's a Moorish? - I'll tell you later.

Ending at the Costa del Sol,

hiking through the Picos de Mijas

to see an exquisite view of the whole coast.

- Wow. That is way better than my cast iron skillet.

- Oh, honey, you're gonna love it.

So is this like all inclusive?

- Well, I booked you at some terrific little hostels,

- right in the center of town. - Hostels?

People die in hostels. Didn't you see that horror movie?

- But Katie, this, this is an opportunity

for you to.

- Yeah, baby. I would kill to go on this trip.

Can Alex come?

Well, I mean, I, I already made the arrangements.

Well, could you look into it?

- Yeah, sure, sure. - Oh, thanks, Mom!

God. Okay, one more.

From Alex to Katie.

Oh, hey. You know what?

We actually don't, we don't have to open that one right now.

That's ridiculous, Bumby!

Oh my God.

- I love it! - Yeah?

Even with everything,

you still managed to get me a present?

What is it, like a rock?

- It's a stone. - Throw this out.

Let's get some fitspiration.

Hey. You guys going running?

- Mm-hmm. - Give me a sec.

I'll change. I'll, I'll go with you, okay?

- Oh, we're gonna do a lot of intervals.

With the cat?

This isn't vinyasa flow, Mom.

Guys, I, I can keep up, I-

We need some girl time.

Yeah. Go on out with your BFF.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

- Fish sandwich? - I hate mayo.

- Hate mayo? How did I not know that?

- 'Cause we don't know each other.

If you say so.

Could do not, no, no.

Don't ever put wood in the dishwasher, okay?

- Look, what, what exactly is your plan here?

- Maybe eat this sandwich and maybe take a nap.

- Why, why, why did you give her my necklace?

- Because I thought you didn't want it.

- I can try and take it back. - No, you can't.

You, you can't undo it, okay? It's done.

- Is that really why you're upset?

- I just, I just want you to know

that what happened was a one-time thing, okay?

I was, I was emotional, and, and you surprised me,

and that's it.

I, I was, I was touched.

- So you don't like it when I touch you?

- No. No, I, I hate it when you touch me.

- You sure? - Yes. No, I-

What about when I do this?

That's terrible.

No, no, no. Not here.

Oh my God!

Okay. I'm still shaking.

Did you like take a course in that or something? Oh my God.

- I read all of Masters and Johnson in high school.

- Wow. - I had a late growth spurt,

so my friend Benji was taking all the girls.

- I had to find my, my talent. - Hmm. I think you did.

It's more like a superpower.

Hmm.

Oh my God!

Oh, it never gets old.

- I love that film. - Every time. Every time.

- Every fucking time. - It's so good.

- I love it. - It was cool.

- Yeah? - It was good, yeah?

It was amazing.

- Katie, can you get more popcorn and hot sauce?

You need anything, Bumby?

Just your sweet ass.

Ew.

So what's your thesis about?

You know, still brainstorming,

but I think I'm gonna do it on the,

the arts and crafts movement here in Pasadena.

- Oh, how convenient that you found a way

to study that rent free.

Dumb luck, I guess.

- Hey. - Hi.

- You could rock that. - You think?

- Do you remember when you refused

to buy me a Queen of Clouds pushup bra?

- At the Americana? - Yeah.

- Mm-hmm, and then you started screaming.

That is my specialty.

And I gave in to you. Yeah.

- We should go shopping at Becky's. I need new bras.

I would love that.

I'm sorry about Chrismanukah.

And I'm excited for Spain. You're the best.

Mom, don't cry! No.

- Later, Mom. - Bye, Mom.

- Have fun. - Bye.

Hey. What's going on?

- I just never knew that could happen.

I, I mean, you know, at the same time.

I've never felt so connected to someone.

- Just... - Yeah.

Yeah, but don't you feel bad?

I mean, I can't look my kids in the eye anymore.

Don't beat yourself up.

Katie and I aren't gonna work out anyway.

Anyway? What do you mean?

- I mean I'm not gonna be a fit for Pensler.

- What, you can get a job somewhere else?

- I'm not so sure about that. I stopped going to class.

I, I don't understand.

I don't wanna be an architect.

Just because my dad designed strip malls for a living

doesn't mean that I have to be unhappy, too.

- But you're still gonna graduate in May, right?

Nope. Dropped out.

When?

About three months ago.

- So you've been lying to Katie all this time?

- I had nobody to talk to about this until you.

I just felt, I just felt a lot shame about it.

Well, you should feel ashamed.

- Hey, cut me a break. I've, I've been struggling.

A break? You're a liar.

Okay, I don't lie to you,

and it's just Katie doesn't get me the way that you do.

Why would you even say that?

- I don't- - I don't know.

'Cause maybe you're a dropout, too?

- I'm a dropout? That's ridiculous.

- Okay. - I don't know

- where you're getting- - Okay, Nancy,

when was the last time you went

to the National Charity League?

I, I've been meaning to go.

I, I, those people ostracized me, okay? I'm, I'm not a liar.

- You just said you can't look at your kids in the eye.

- Hey. - You know what?

Why don't we just tell Katie together, all right?

Why don't we just call her right now?

- No, just give me, give me- - Let's practice.

"Hey Katie, I don't wanna be with you.

I wanna be with your mom."

Doesn't that just feel so much lighter saying it?

- No, no. I, I, I, I actually feel a lot heavier, okay?

- It's just, I never- - What?

What, you've never came with someone at the same time?

That's gotta mean something, right?

- It means more about my ex-husband

than anybody else, actually.

We're not gonna talk to Katie about this, okay?

- Okay? - Yeah. You're the boss.

Hey guys,

- here's more hot breadsticks. - Ooh, ma ma ma ma ma ma ma.

God, I love breadsticks.

Mr. Beach, he's our favorite waiter.

- Nope. I wanna make a toast on my last night here.

Mom, a year ago today,

I thought you

were gonna be a pill-popping desperate housewife

- of San Marino. - Oh my God.

- But now look at you. You're living on your own.

You're working on your yoga arms and whatever else.

- And video editing. - Yeah, that, too.

And Katie, you're finally clocking in somewhere.

- Stop giving me shit, Eli. - Even if it's

pushing fake titties.

Just because you don't appreciate titties.

- Oh, sure. - It's a job. Stop.

And I, I'm just, I'm so happy

to see you two finally standing on your own,

Badgley Mischkas.

Cheers.

Cheers.

- I, I'd like to say something if I may.

I've always felt like family is not a birthright.

It's a choice, and I'm so grateful that you all

have accepted me into your family.

- Our family. Lehayim. - Lehayim!

- So where is your family? You haven't mentioned them once.

- They're, they're back home in New York,

doing something small in Chelsea.

- Oh, where? I live right by the Highline.

They're on 11th and 23rd.

It's where I grew up my own life.

Alex's parents own a club.

- Wow, wow. That place must be worth over a mil.

Yeah, but you know what?

Chelsea's lost its character.

There's a new restaurant that opens up every week

and you don't have to step over crack pipes to get to it.

- My parents don't dine at Buddakan though, and,

what is it, rock climb the Chelsea Piers?

Can you hand me a breadstick?

Since when do you eat carbs?

And can we just cut the shit for once and,

and admit that everyone wins

when the upwardly mobile move in?

- Eli, I didn't raise you like this.

- Honey, please. - It's okay. It's okay.

- It's true. - Hey.

I'm all for mobility, Eli.

At the end of the day, I am doing my thesis on Pasadena.

It doesn't get any bougier than that, right?

- What thesis? I never see you working on it.

My college roommate was an architecture major,

and she didn't sit around sipping on mojitos by the pool.

- Eli! - He, hey.

Sorry, I've gotten caught up in my research,

but Nancy's been kind enough to drive me around

and show me the arts and crafts houses

around here in Pasadena on our driving lessons.

More wine?

So that's where you guys go.

Is that right, Mom?

- Well, the Vert brothers are very prominent in,

in Pasadena.

- Yeah, and I love the Vert brothers.

But you know what? Eli's right.

I need to get my ass into gear.

- You have an answer for everything, but I don't buy it.

- You're a fucking hobosexual. - What?

Yeah, he's fucking using you.

- He's using me? - He's using you.

He's a fucking loser.

- Eli! Eli, take that back! - Eli, just calm down.

- Come on! - I'm trained to read people.

- Eli. - Eli.

- I know who he is. - Relax.

- Calm down. - Just sit down, everybody.

- Eli, I don't wanna fight with you, man.

I'm your family. It's okay, I'm, it's fine.

- Fuck off! - Eli!

You're not my fucking family!

- Mom! - It's okay.

- Are you okay? - I'm okay. I'm okay.

- Can we just settle down. - I'm okay. I'm fine.

- I'm sorry. - I'm fine. I'm okay.

- He said he's fine. - I'm fine.

- No, no! What the, the hell is wrong with you?

- You're acting like Dad! - Katie.

- No, get out! - Stop.

- Hey. I'll go, I'll go. - No.

Don't leave, Eli. Come on.

- I need a ride to Bob Hope in the morning, okay?

You paid $12 for this?

- Well, you know, cassettes are the new vinyl.

Where'd you even get 'em?

- Groovy little vintage store in Venice.

Oh yeah? Who took you, Alex?

He's the grooviest guy I know.

Oh, speaking of the mayor of Chelsea,

I googled the Vert brothers.

They don't exist.

- I didn't realize you were so interested in architecture.

- It's the Green brothers who are involved

with the arts and crafts movement.

- Right, right. Well, you know what?

I just, Vert means green in French,

and that's probably where I, I got a little mixed up

- in this old brain. - Okay.

And why didn't Alex pick up on your little mix up?

- Because of the wine. I, there was, there was wine.

Mom, Mom, Mom.

You need to start making friends with people your own age.

Eli.

- I saw you picking food out of his teeth.

It's like you're in love with him or something.

Oh. I'm in love with him?

- Yeah. - Oh, come on, Eli.

I mean, you would want me telling you if you had some,

some spinach stuck in your teeth.

- Yeah. - You of all people would

- I know. - want me telling you that.

Come on. In love with him.

I'm old enough to be his mother!

- MILF videos are all over the internet.

Men find women your age very attractive these days.

Okay, well what about that guy, the guy who took you out?

- What? Who, Jeff? - Jeff, Jeff.

- Yeah, I, you know, I, I, I don't,

I don't think he was really my type.

Just, I don't know, just kind of boring.

- You didn't even give him a chance.

I bet Jeff loves tapes,

and I bet he's old enough to rent a car.

- Yeah, well, you know, he didn't call me either.

- So call him. You're a modern woman.

- Oh, thank you. Dr. Drew. What, now?

Do it now. I'll drive.

- Come on. - Eli.

- I'm not calling him now. - Switcheroo.

Okay.

- Okay, okay, I'm- - Call.

Okay! Fine.

- Hello? - Jeff. Hi, it's Nancy.

- Nancy? - Yeah, yeah. I know.

I, I didn't expect to be calling either.

Wow. What are you doing for New Year's?

- Oh, don't have plans for New Year's yet.

- Well, there's gonna be - Who's the big slut?

a great party at South Pass.

Pick you up at eight?

Yeah. I'll, I'll see you then.

- Deal - Bye.

Buckle up.

Hey! CJ.

- Hi. - This is Nancy.

- Hi. - This is CJ.

CJ is an editor for a Netflix show.

Nancy is learning premier right now.

Well, I, I mean, I, I made one video,

but I found it very exhilarating.

- Mm-mm. Don't put yourself down.

The guild needs more women.

I'd love to see your work sometime.

- All right. - We need you.

- Oh, and this is Katie, Nancy's lovely daughter,

and Alex, her boyfriend.

We'll be right back.

- Hey, isn't Jeff a little too nice?

- I knew this party was gonna be boring,

but look what I grabbed.

- A little party favor. - What?

When did you start smuggling schedule I narcotics?

I love you!

No, I'm telling you,

if you told me that ginger ale

was like medical grade medicine,

I would've believed you as a kid.

- Really? - Yes.

- Well, ginger ale does have some medicinal,

you know, purposes.

I don't think there's much ginger in ginger ale.

I, I would have to agree with you.

- I'm having such a good time tonight.

- Yeah. - I'm really glad

that you called me, although I, I gotta admit,

I'm kind of surprised that you did

'cause I was worried that maybe I said something stupid

- What? No, no! - on our first date.

- My god. I thought, I thought I scared you away.

No, no you didn't.

No?

- I'm really glad you're here tonight.

Why are you ignoring me?

Because you're dating my daughter.

If you don't let me out of this room,

I am going to tell Katie that you are a fraud.

- Great. Let's both tell her together at the same time.

Wait, wait.

Look, we have a connection, but this has got to stop.

- I'm not the Rosenfeld's family dildo.

- The countdown's about to start.

Nancy, I love you.

Look, I'm sorry.

But this, it's over.

Jeff, wait.

- Nancy, wait. - Stop it.

♪ Work, you make your marks ♪

Jeff! Wait!

♪ And as the diamond moves ♪

♪ I stood and moons begin to fall ♪

♪ Oh pride ♪

♪ Can't fly the flag all night ♪

♪ It ain't no match for the lover's ♪

♪ Soon you'll be waving white ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ I've got your private photos on my phone ♪

♪ Like a love letter ♪

Bumby! Come over here!

Come on!

10, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, one!

♪ You stood and moons ♪

♪ Began to fall ♪

Mom! Where are the tampons?

- There's some up in the bathroom.

Are you sure? All I see are old lady pads!

In the basket!

Shit.

Shit.

I'm gonna run out and get some!

What the hell does that mean?

- The test was negative. - Thank God.

I've been a little reckless lately.

Been, you know, baking without a mitt.

Yeah, just, but those, those days are over.

So, you know, actually, maybe I should,

I should still look into like, like an IUD.

I hear they're, they're safer now.

- I, I wouldn't recommend that for you.

- Oh, okay, well, or you know, the, the, the patch,

or there's like some gels or something.

- Ms. Rosenfeld, have you been feeling overwhelmed lately?

- It's been a tough year. - Have you had any anxiety?

I've been a little anxious,

but nothing a little yoga can't fix.

- Has your anxiety been accompanied by a rapid heartbeat,

perspiration, sudden changes in your body temperature?

- Oh God. I, I've been having hot flashes.

That's, so going through

- Menopause. - menopause.

So I'm not late.

Just old.

- Shouldn't you be in school? - Katie is.

My theoretical classes don't start till next Wednesday.

I'd offer you some popcorn, but I know you'll say no.

What's up with you?

I thought I was pregnant.

What? Is it mine?

Of course.

I mean, actually it's, it's not anyone's.

I'm starting the change.

Hmm.

Yeah. Sue Hobart was right.

Should've gone under the knife

when I still had the Rosenfeld family discount.

- Stop it. - You're a natural Nancy.

- Yeah. Look where that's gotten me.

And now I'm gonna die alone,

and Thelma is going to eat my face off

when she runs out of food.

- Hey, Thelma's already overweight.

She's probably gonna die before you.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here.

Let it out.

What? What happened?

Katie, wait!

Katie!

Katie!

God. Goddammit!

- Oh my God. - Just calm down.

Calm down, baby. Do, do your chants.

- Look, I, I, I gotta go, I gotta go after her.

- Okay. - Get out.

- Okay, where are we going? - I have to drive.

- I'm driving. I'm driving. - We going to Morty's?

The campus? The suicide bridge?

Okay.

- Hey, Nancy, what are you doing?

- I'm getting you out of my life.

Nancy, open the, open.

You can't leave me! I'm your partner!

Nancy! Nancy!

- Hey! - Whoa!

- Slow down! You almost hit Ivanka!

- Sorry. Sorry. - Nance?

Have you, have you seen Katie?

I, I just saw her SUV go this way.

- Not since the holiday Sensation.

You can call her.

- No, no, no, no, no! Do, do not call her.

Okay.

- Hey, whatever happened with Jeff?

Hey, it's Katie. Text me instead.

Hi, honey. It's Mom.

I, I don't know if you got my text.

I've been trying to DM you, and I tweeted at you,

and I can't see you on Instagram anymore, but anyway,

I, I, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay.

I think I saw you on campus yesterday,

but you darted behind the bush.

Anyway, I, I just wanna talk to you.

- Katie. - Mom, are you okay?

I tried calling you on your cell,

but I couldn't get through.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Have you heard from Katie?

She sent me a gun in a mouth emoji.

I tried calling but no answer.

What happened with the mayor of Chelsea?

I believe they parted ways.

That explains why she's been hanging

with dumbo Lindsay.

She posted a pic of Scar Jo

with the hashtag #nosegoals on Insta.

Is she upgrading her nose?

- Eli, I'm, I'm gonna call you back.

That bastard.

- Hey. Where, where is he? - Hi, Nancy.

You're looking festive.

Katie will be in for at least another two hours.

Katie, Katie's here now?

- Actually been meaning to call you.

Okay, great.

- What, what room is she in? - I feel like I

never got a chance to properly apologize

to you for what Morty and I did.

- That's okay, honey. Affairs happen all the time, okay?

- Just what, what- - Really?

- Yes. - Oh.

Okay. What room is Katie in?

- Room A, but you can't go back there.

Okay, thanks.

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

- What are you doing? - Honey, don't do this.

- Come on. - How don't you

- even find out? - Honey, please.

Dad, who let her in?

- Where are her clothes? - Nance.

We're getting you outta here.

Sorry. You gotta go.

- Morty, what is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?

- You are the one wearing your Christmas pajamas

- in January in public. - I have friends.

I've watched them butcher their faces,

and it never made them happy.

Sue loves her nose.

Well, doesn't she?

- Just- - Did she say something?

- She say something? I need to know.

- Sweetheart, do you really wanna look

like you've lost an MMA fight at graduation?

- Nobody here cares if I look like Rhonda Rousey.

School's triggering. I'm taking a semester off.

What are you even? What, what?

How are you letting this happen?

You know, hold on.

- How are you letting this happen?

- She's taking a semester off? - It's her decision.

And if she wants to,

she can drop all her classes right now

- so I can get my refund back. - Oh my.

It's always about money with you, isn't it, Morty?

- But this is about your happiness? Isn't it?

- Sweetheart, you are not a dropout.

- Or why don't you tell Dad how much you love dropouts?

So you did know.

Yeah, I had to find out from some dipshit at school.

- I'm sorry, honey. - Tell Dad what you did.

- Oh, come on Katie. Don't do this.

Tell him.

I, I had relations with Alex.

You had, you had relations? You fucked him.

Say it. "I fucked your boyfriend."

Tell dad how many times you fucked my boyfriend?

- Three times. - Three, three times?

Is that including oral?

I thought you didn't like oral.

- It was five times, but sweet, sweetheart, I hated it.

I, I, I, I hated myself. You gotta believe me. I-

- Okay. I think I need to fill my coffee up.

It's true.

Why'd you do it?

'Cause I was so unhappy,

and when I was with him, it was, it was like a drug.

I fucked up.

But sweetheart, I, I love you with all of my soul, honey,

- and I'm so sorry. - I'm getting this procedure,

you washed up, culotte-wearing wannabe filmmaker.

Now get out, and take your dusty cunt with you.

Okay. Well, I, I deserve that.

But if you don't graduate,

you are literally cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Get out!

Let's get lunch soon!

- I know you're really into the mist,

but you've been here for an hour,

and that's not gonna scrub off.

- Yes, it will. - We closed 20 minutes ago.

Oh. Sorry.

- It looks like you crossed the wrong person.

- Yeah, person I care the most about.

- Best friend? - Daughter.

Try this.

I just blew up my whole life.

- Well, now that it's in tatters,

what's your new life gonna look like?

♪ Outside the window of my room ♪

♪ What story goes ♪

♪ Am I the only one I know not going home ♪

♪ I can't get free ♪

♪ Oh does anyone have a memory ♪

Hi.

♪ I can't get free ♪

♪ Oh if anyone has a memory ♪

♪ Please let me know ♪

Hey, Mom!

- Hey. - Hi.

- Glad you can make it. - Hi.

- Morty, Evelyn. Congratulations.

- Thank you. - You look radiant.

I love the natural curls.

- Thanks. I still might get that nose job.

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe we should take a family photo.

I'll take it.

- No, I'm, I'm, you should be in it.

Yeah.

- Excuse me. You mind taking a...

- Sorry. Just, here you go, baby.

All right, say cheese, everybody.

- Dinner cheese. - Cheese!

- Baked brie. - Parmesan.

- Oh my God, it's kicking. Ugh, get it outta me!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- Evelyn, you are going to give it a complex.

- What, did you learn that in your GRE book?

Maybe.

- GRE? Are you going to grad school?

Yeah, I am,

I'm gonna get my master's in psychology from NYU.

New York. Wow.

Well, this is big news.

- Yeah, I, I visited Eli, and it felt like home.

Well, that's, that's great.

- Are you gonna be okay? - Me? Yeah.

Yes, of course. I'm gonna miss you like crazy.

- You're gonna love it there. - Thanks, Mom.

- Katie, I'm so sorry. - Hey, hey.

We're gonna be okay.

- We will? - Yeah.

Okay.

- I still need my space. - Right.

- I'm gonna go return my cap and gown.

I will meet you guys at the restaurant.

Okay.

The burning man?

Well, they, yeah, they have payment plans.

- Yeah, it's like a ticket- - Shit.

Hey! Congrats!

- You, you did it! - And you didn't.

- Professor Branch. - A professor. Classy.

- There's a cuddle party at Annenberg tonight.

You could join our triad.

- I think I've had enough of triads.

So you're like polyamorous now?

Yeah. I have been for a while.

Glad you figured it out.

- Don't lend him money for his phone.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Drink up. Our descent begins soon.

- Have you been before? - No. No.

I've been dreaming about it for 25 years.

You doing a tour or something?

- I'm making a pit stop in Madrid,

and then I'm gonna go hiking in Basque Country,

and then, I don't know.

I'll see where the road takes me.

- Dope. - You?

I'm taking my gap year.

I guess I am, too. Hmm.

♪ Quick as a flash ♪

♪ The light can ride you ♪

♪ Like having a motorcycle stuck inside you ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ It's gonna hunt you down quick as a flash ♪

♪ And leave behind a pile of ash ♪

♪ It'll burn you up just like a witch ♪

♪ Lightning has a temper because sometimes life's a bitch ♪

♪ The light is quick and sky cold blue ♪

♪ It'll warm your stone heart through and through ♪

♪ It's wild and summer and oh so frightening ♪

♪ To be struck by the heat lightning ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Oh, it'll find you ♪

♪ No, you can't hide ♪

♪ It'll search you down and take you for a ride ♪

♪ And when it finds you, you best beware ♪

♪ Just like the man, it doesn't care ♪

♪ The light is quick and sky cold blue ♪

♪ It'll warm your stone heart through and through ♪

♪ It's wild and summer and oh so frightening ♪

♪ To be struck by the heat lightning ♪