Original subtitles

- [♪ uplifting music playing] - [door opens]

[Mac] They're online, Charlie! They're online. [chuckles]

- [door closes] - [Charlie] What's online?

I never knew this before, but there are, like, thousands of documents,

unredacted, about what actually went down on that island.

- Like interviews, salacious photos... - Yeah, wow, dude, great.

Hey... [stammers] ...can you tell me if this is hot enough? I can't... I can't tell, man.

Goddamn, dude! That's... that's boiling water.

I mean, yeah, but is it boiling hot or is it just boiling regular?

How is that not burning you?

I don't know. Perk of the boiler man, I guess.

If you think that's hot enough, we're good.

Dude, look how many documents Frank dumped on us this year.

All these papers, dude.

I don't care about Frank's documents, Charlie.

I'm talking about online documents. It's a treasure trove.

Well, I mean, we gotta focus on the offline documents, dude.

It's boiling day, okay?

We got to boil and stain all the year's paperwork, okay?

If we don't do that, Frank's gonna be pissed.

Speaking of stain, did you bring the dye?

- I got Kool-Aid. - Uh...

- Yeah, that'll work, I guess, yeah. - Yeah, dude, ah,

this is so fascinating, like, how deep this goes.

Powerful men, millionaires, scantily-clad young women.

I mean, I think we can finally figure out what went down on that island.

- Mmm. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, I'm thinking with this Kool-Aid, actually,

these documents could wind up being pretty delicious.

- What? - I'm thinking maybe like a soup

or a stew or something. Good plan, Mac.

Did-did you think that that's what I was thinking?

Because, like, then we're not just throwing them in the trash all stained up.

We're going to eat them and then poop them, flush them,

We're going to eat them and then poop them, flush them, and then they'll really be gone.

and then they'll really be gone.

I've been saying the word "online" and "island," like,

over and over and over again, so it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah. You're going on and on and on about that,

but, dude, I'm not really, like, a current events guy.

Current events?

What island do you think I'm talking about?

Scantily-clad women.

Millionaires.

Soup is not involved.

I'm trying to do a thing

- where I need you... - Gilligan's Island.

...and then you were gonna say... Yeah, you got it.

- That was it? I knew it. - Yeah, but I...

[sighs] I thought you were gonna say--

Was there another island you could have been referencing?

Epstein's Island, and then I was going to be able to deliver that in a cool way.

- But it is Gilligan's Island? - Yeah.

[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]

harlie] It's weird they never got off the island.

That's the tip of the iceberg with this show, Charlie.

There's, like, a whole conspiracy about this.

They... They didn't do a hundred episodes.

Okay, so?

A hundred. 100. Do you know what 100 means?

One less than 200, go on.

- No, that would be 199. - 199 one hundreds?

- That's like a billion, isn't it? - [stammers]

A show needs to make 100 episodes to get into syndication,

and then if it gets into syndication, it makes money forever.

Oh.

So why stop one short?

Maybe somebody wanted it stopped.

- Right. - [Frank] All right, all right, just...

just throw 'em anywhere.

- [Charlie] What? Whoa! - Don't worry about it.

What is this, dude? We're already up to our ears in boxes.

- You're killing me here. - This is a busy year. A lot of schemes.

What the hell are you guys complaining about? At least you get to be inside.

Yeah, he's got us painting the outside of the bar in a monsoon.

They destroy the documents. You repaint the bar.

- I lie to the accountant. Tradition. - Yeah.

- He's got a living heir. - Who? The accountant?

Sherwood Schwartz, who's the creator of Gilligan's Island.

- He's got a grandson. - Okay, so?

Charlie, take this to its logical conclusion.

If he's got a living heir, then...

- [Charlie gasps dramatically] - Ooh.

What?

We pitch him the final episode and finally give the Schwartz family the episode--

We can finally give the Schwartz family the end and we can get...

- We can get Gilligan's into syndication. - Stop, stop.

Mac, you have been talking about Gilligan's Island nonstop

for the last 48 hours. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Nobody's conspiring to stop Gilligan's Island

from making 100 episodes.

That's ridiculous.

If anyone's conspiring, it's the goddamn government taxing us endlessly.

What are they even spending it on? I mean...

Aliens, and not the Mexican kind, the ones from outer space.

- I saw a whole documentary on it. - I saw that too.

- Did you see it? - That was crazy.

- [Frank, Mac] Yeah. - Where they're-they're in the ocean--

To steal our technology.

[Charlie] They're down there trying to steal our tech.

- It's the Bluetooth. - It's the Bluetooth.

- They're after the Bluetooth. - [Frank] Yeah.

Aliens are traveling across the galaxy... [chuckles]

...with that technology to steal our technology,

Bluetooth, that never works

and never pairs with our printers that also never work.

Good theory! All right, just stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

I only drank, like, a little bit of it, so...

That's not what I was talking about.

I was talking about the metaphorical Kool-Aid. You happen to be drinking both.

All right? Listen, guys.

Boil, toil, and for the love of God, stop talking about Gilligan's Island.

- [Dennis] Come on, let's go. - [Frank] We got more documents to get.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Hey, Charlie?

I got to show you something.

[♪♪ Gilligan's Island intro music playing]

- Right? - Uh, yeah.

Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife,

the movie star and the rest.

And the rest.

Is there anything strange about that opening to you, Charlie?

Yes, dude, like, where was the color?

Oh, they... they went to color in season two.

Oh, yeah, okay, cool.

Can you imagine being there when people became color?

Like, what that was like for everybody?

Look around and being like, you know, like,

"Oh, God, we're all color now," like...

Crazy time.

You know, people have always been color, right?

Since season two of Gilligan's Island, you're saying.

Either way, we're focusing on the wrong things, okay?

We need to figure out

why they didn't want us thinking about those two characters.

"And the rest"? Why not just say their names?

Okay, so, the Professor, he is a man of science.

He can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can't fix a boat?

Weird, actually, when you think about it.

I think the Professor is the linchpin that blows this whole thing wide open.

Professor, yeah, yeah. Too bad we can't talk to him, yeah.

Maybe we can.

[♪ comical music playing]

What do they put in these things?

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] Isn't this cool, man?

Look, if you're gonna solve a conspiracy, you gotta have some good reenactments.

Dude, how did we get here?

In our minds. We're imagining it as we're talking about it.

- It's just so much more fun. - Oh.

- That is a good way to do it. - Yeah.

There you two are.

Oh, Dennis is the Professor. That makes sense.

Well, yeah, it makes sense. Again, we're the ones imagining it.

We're in your apartment talking about it, imagining this happening.

We're imagining, yeah, we did say he would be the Professor.

- Okay, I get it. I get what's going on. - You got it?

Use this brush to keep the fire going for the stewpot.

We'll head to the other side of the island to harvest the giant vegetables

from the radioactive seeds.

- Whoa, radioactive seeds. Good pot. - [Mac] Oh.

[Frank chuckles] Reporting for duty, Professor.

We hear that manual labor is very rewarding.

Right, Lovey?

Well, it'll be most rewarding when it's over.

- [audience laughing] - Yeah. So funny.

Goddamn it, why am I Mrs. Howell?

- Because I'm imagining you as her. - [Dee] No, no, no, no.

- I gotta be Ginger or Mary Ann. - [Frank] Mmm.

You know, 'cause I've got, like, the glamour of a movie star

mixed with that, uh, spunky, girl-next-door charm.

Dee, you have neither.

You are a hollowed-out husk of a woman way past her prime.

- [audience laughing] - You're more Mrs. Howell.

- What? - Should I be the Skipper?

Why are they arguing with us if it's our imagination?

Well, we're a very argumentative crew,

- and I'm just imagining them fighting... - [Charlie] Yeah, for sure.

- ...over everything all the time. - Arguing happens constantly.

Yeah, you know what else I'm picturing?

[yelps] Ow!

- [audience laughing] - Oh, goddamn it!

You coconuted her, and you're picturing her in pain, which is funny.

No, that really hurt. Fine, fine, I'll be Mrs. Howell.

Yeah, no. I'm okay as I am. Come on, Lovey.

Those vegetables won't harvest themselves. [chuckles]

- Come. - If only!

- Let's go. - Yeah, before you get another coconut.

[stammers] He didn't wanna get coconuted. [chuckles]

Oh, hey, hey, Professor, a word.

Um, hey, before you get started on those vegetables, um, can I ask you a question?

Why don't you just fix the boat?

- [♪ comical music playing] - Fix the boat?

Yes, like, fix it and get us off the island.

Yeah, I mean you built that. You're talking about radioactive shit.

Yeah, you got a wheelbarrow, you got a house...

As far as I know, there's just a hole in a boat.

It's just a hole in the boat, so you want to try to use the wheelbarrow tech.

Well, I suppose from an engineering standpoint, I could use--

Ah-ah-ah, Professor. [chuckles]

If we don't get going, the vegetables will be eaten up

by the wild animals before we can get to them.

The birds.

You can't trust the birds.

[Professor] You're absolutely right.

The vegetables are vulnerable.

Boat talk can wait.

- [Mac grunts] - Whoa.

- That was weird, dude. - That was weird.

- Yeah, what does she mean about the birds? - Yeah.

- You can't trust the birds? - What?

- What's up with the birds? - No, no, I meant that the Howells

were stopping the Professor from fixing the boat.

The birds are... They've got nothing to do with it, dude.

[stammers] You're off on the wrong foot.

Yeah. You know, speaking of the wrong feet, I think I put my shoes on backwards.

[audience laughing]

That is so stupid. That is the dumbest joke.

Why do you keep getting a laugh track, huh?

I'm just... I'm picturing getting a laugh track.

- Don't whack me. - And then they...

- [audience booing] - What is that?

It's some boos and some "oohs" and some "ahs."

- It's not an "ooh" show. - It is now.

- [audience laughing] - [Mac groans]

- This is bullshit. This is bullshit. - There we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey man, why no girls, right? - Oh.

Ginger, Mary Ann, like, why aren't we picturing them?

'Cause I hate women and I don't want to think about them.

- Oh, is that why? - Yeah, look...

Do you mind if I just picture them really quick? No, it's all right. I--

No. You're thinking about the wrong things.

Look, man, we got to get into Sherwood Schwartz's head.

- Right. - Wh... What did he want us to think?

The man was a genius. What was he trying to tell us?

The man was a genius. What was he trying to tell us? I mean, this is the guy that created The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island.

I mean, this is the guy that created The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island.

- Right. Okay, he's giving us clues. Uh... - Yes.

Islands, uh, kids, uh,

- yeah, it's all come full circle. - [audience laughing]

This is so stupid.

It's not even up to Sherwood Schwartz's standards.

- Hey! - [audience booing]

That? It's just not a boo show, okay? It doesn't boo.

- They don't boo anything. - Can we just boil?

Because that's what we're supposed to be doing.

Yeah, why are we getting relegated to boiling? It doesn't make any sense.

- You know what? I think these are done. - What are?

The documents. These are good to go, man.

Radioactive vegetables. What was Schwartz trying to tell us?

The Howells were rich and powerful.

- Rich, yeah. - So the... [stammers]

Like, controlling science, chemicals...

Maybe he was trying to warn us about chemtrails. I gotta figure this out.

Well, I gotta take this to the trash chute

before I leave a chemtrail in my apartment. [chuckles]

I miss the laugh track, yeah.

[door closes]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Dee echoing] You can't trust the birds.

[Charlie] Bird! Bird!

Dude, I saw a bird, like a... [stutters] ...carrier pigeon.

Okay, watching me dumping the documents. Remember what the Howells said?

"You can't trust the birds." They said it themselves, dude.

And there's a bird out there.

- Holy shit, dude. - Right?

I'm thinking, like, maybe it's a government spy or something

that's gonna spy on us and it's gonna tell our secrets to the government.

- That's the only explanation, man. - That doesn't make any sense.

That's not what I was talking about at all.

- Yeah? - I'm talking about your shirt.

The logo from the receipt.

Oh, shit. Okay, I see that. You know what happened, dude?

I don't think it boiled all the way through.

I don't think it boiled all the way through. That's on me. That's my bad. I should've... I should've looked closer.

That's on me. That's my bad. I should've... I should've looked closer.

No, I'm talking about what the actual logo is.

That's Risk E. Rat.

- We haven't been back there for years. - Oh, shit. That's right.

Now why would Frank have us boil, like, a really old document like that?

We've already destroyed those documents.

I smell a rat.

[♪ dramatic chord plays]

- [sniffs] I smell that too, yeah. - Yeah.

It's probably under the boxes.

- There's definitely a dead rat. - Yeah.

- There's multiple dead rats. - There it is. I see it.

- You saw it? Yeah. - Yeah. I'll get it.

This one's for a Cybertruck

This one's for a Cybertruck and this is for the water park.

and this is for the water park.

- Yeah, dude, this is weird. - [Frank] Whoo, whoo!

Oh, my goodness.

Whoo! You guys are so lucky you're in here where it's warm.

- It's terrible outside. I-- - Hey.

- What am I looking at? - You tell us, Frank.

The receipts, old receipts. Why do you have us boiling old receipts?

Yeah, what's the deal, dude?

Well, it's duplicates.

It's doubles.

That's the oldest accounting trick in the book.

An accounting trick. That's your explanation?

Yeah, accounting trick.

That does seem logical.

- You're buying that? - Yeah, I think...

All right, but there's weirder shit going on, Frank.

Like, what's your explanation for, uh,

why the castaways never got off of Gilligan's island, huh? [scoffs]

Well, they did. They did.

- [Charlie] They did? - [Frank] Yeah, they got off.

- They got off in the movies. - What movies?

They made three TV movies, and they got off the island,

but they had to get back on the island

because there's no show if they're off the island.

- [chuckles] - TV movies? Wha... Wha--

Yeah, they had three of them.

- And the Harlem Globetrotters were there. - What?

- You know about this, Mac? - [Frank exclaims]

Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

- Get back to work. - All right.

- Both of you. - [Charlie] Okay.

- I gotta go back out and paint. - Yeah.

[Frank] Is this white?

- [Charlie] All right, good. Yeah. - That's what I want. I'm going.

Talking about Globetrotters. Dude, what is he talking about?

You remember Harlem Globetrotters?

He's right. I forgot about the movies 'cause I...

- you know, I don't consider them canon. - Seems crazy to me.

- So what happened in the TV movies? - What do you think, dude?

[♪ instrumental of "Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]

- [Mac] Basketball. - Mac, what the hell's happening?

The Harlem Globetrotters played robots

to save the island from an evil billionaire.

What? Dude, I didn't imagine that.

I'm imagining it and I'm imagining all of him.

[audience laughing]

Don't make them laugh at that because they weren't there yet

- with that kind of humor. - Get off the court, Gilligan.

[audience cheering]

- Dee, what are you wearing? - Made a helmet.

Now you can't conk me with a coconut, you dumb bitch.

- [audience laughing] - [grunts] Professor, Lovey.

Uh, we have some unfinished business.

- Oh. Yes. - Yes, yes.

- [Frank grunts] All right. - Oh. Yes.

- [exclaims] That was close. That... Nah. - [exclaims] Yeah.

- I'm sorry, man. I tried. - Yeah.

All right, well, what's the deal? Where are they going off to?

Oh, there's this whole subplot where Mr. Howell

steals the rare but valuable mineral, supremium, while everyone's distracted.

Supremium? You know, I gotta say, none of this really feels up to the standards

- of the Gilligan's episode to me. - It doesn't make any sense.

- No, right? - Like, why would they let the guy make

three nonsensical TV movies but not a hundredth episode?

It's crazy, it's madness.

It's like they were, um... [smacks lips]

Dude, look at the scoreboard.

100.

[Mac] 101.

Sherwood Schwartz is trying to send us a message through this bad episode.

- SOS. - SOS. I didn't get my hundredth episode.

I didn't want it to be this madness.

Robots and-and Globetrotters

and-and rare Earth minerals with stupid names like unobtanium.

Uh, oh, supremium, you mean.

Unobtanium is from Avatar, which is, like,

the highest-grossing movie franchise of all time.

All right. Well, then which one is vibranium?

Oh, that was from Black Panther. That's a mineral from Wakanda.

- Ah. Well, Wakanda forever. - Wakanda forever, right?

- Yeah. Wa... Yeah. - Wakanda forever.

Well, those are good names. But-But supremium?

- Come on. That's just silly. - That's stupid. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. It just doesn't feel real, you know.

[Charlie] You know what?

- I don't think that bird's real. - Of course not.

[Charlie] Oh, no. Not that bird. The one on the windowsill.

That bird... That bird's been sitting there for days, man.

I've never seen it blink once. It's not moving in the rain.

Kind of makes you think, like, are birds real?

Birds are very much real, Charlie.

- You're sure? - That is a real bird.

- I'll show you. - Yeah? You think?

It's just weird that it's sitting there in the...

- [♪ tense music playing] - What the...

Holy shit, dude, this bird's fake.

- [screams] - It's plastic.

I knew it! Birds aren't real, dude!

My God, look, it's got, like, a camera in its eye!

- [screams] - It's been spying on us.

What? What is happening, man? What is going on?

Mac, Mac! The bird in the hall!

The bird in the hall is a camera! Come on!

There it is, dude.

Spying on us, man.

Fuck you, government spies!

[pigeon cooing]

- [Mac grunts] - [pigeon squawks]

Oh, God.

- Oh. that was a... That was a living one. - That one was living.

- Yeah, that was... that was real. - That was living.

Well, now I'm confused.

Hang on. Dude, it's not raining out.

[♪ tense music playing]

- Well, maybe it stopped. - No, it was just...

It was just raining.

How can it not be raining here and... [screams]

[stammers] It's raining. What the...

- What is going on, dude? - What is happening, dude?

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

- [Mac] Cricket? - [Charlie] What?

- [Mac] Cricket? - [Charlie] What? What the hell are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

Whoa! [exhales sharply]

Hey, doing what I do best, baby.

Getting paid to spray. [grunts, laughing]

Actually, uh, truth is I'm usually on the receiving end.

But no, Frank paid me to, uh, clean your windows.

- Well, can you stop already? - Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. Frank told me to-to spray all day.

Yeah, I'm getting paid by the hour, see?

See, I'm, uh... I'm saving up to get my teeth sharpened.

Yeah, and not just for protection. It's actually more of a...

like a vibe thing, you know what I mean?

- Can I ask you guys a question? - He's not gonna stop spraying, dude.

[Cricket] You think I still got it?

Why would Frank be wearing a raincoat if it's not actually raining?

I don't know, dude. It's weird. Okay, let's think about this.

He-He was kind of dressed like the Skipper in the opening of Gilligan's Island.

You know, when the weather starts getting rough.

Well, if Frank is the Skipper, then that makes you and I...

Well, if Frank is the Skipper, then that makes you and I... [♪ quizzical music playing]

[♪ quizzical music playing]

- The rest? - The bullshit side characters

who don't get to do anything

- while the rich and powerful take over! - We're the rest?

Goddamn it, dude. What...

- [♪ comical horn playing] - Wait a second.

The paint can that Frank took earlier, that was white.

Is this white?

- That's what I want. - [Charlie] Dude, what is going on?

[stammers] The bar sign is green. Why would he get white paint?

[stammers] The bar sign is green. Why would he get white paint? No, but you know what is white?

No, but you know what is white?

The White House.

You know what else is white?

Uh, probably, like, Madonna's cars.

Yeah, we're gonna get on the same page.

I promise we're gonna get on the same page at some point, yeah.

Baseballs.

Correct. And?

- Half a zebra. - The b...

All of those are correct but not pertinent to what we're talking about.

Okay. Sure, I thought I had it.

- What's the name of the boat? - The Love Boat.

The SS Minnow.

- Oh, yes-- from Gilligan's Island. Yes. - Yeah.

It was white. What are they up to?

- We gotta go to the bar. - Okay.

I figured it out.

They're not in there fixing the bar. They're fixing the boat.

They are pitching Sherwood Schwartz's grandson the hundredth episode,

leaving us stranded on the island.

That's why they were spying on us with the pigeon camera.

That's why they were spying on us with the pigeon camera. Yes, yes. Think about it, dude.

Yes, yes. Think about it, dude.

The second that we start poring through documents, Frank comes in.

He... [stammers] ...redirects us.

Oh, my God, dude.

They don't want us to find out the truth, but we did. We did.

[stammers] Wait, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second.

Before we barge in there, dude.

Frank actually has paid Cricket to wash our windows before.

It's just something he's been doing for the last couple of years.

And we set up hidden cameras on each other all the time.

You know, try to keep the other guy from pounding off.

You never know when there's a camera, so you don't pound off as much.

Sure.

Maybe the tax guy might be in there.

What if the tax guy's in there?

We might blow up this whole thing.

We're gonna blow the whole thing because we didn't do our jobs, man.

We have been drinking a lot of Kool-Aid, dude.

- Right. That's what I'm saying. - I think maybe we... spun out.

We were so sure about the bird in the hall.

- Look what happened to the bird. - Now we're out in the sunlight.

- I know! - We've properly come to our senses, right?

It's crazy to think they're pitching Gilligan's Island

to the grandson of some dude.

- Like, what are we talking about, man? - We totally went crazy.

- We went crazy. We went crazy. - We went crazy, man.

[Dennis] By applying wheelbarrow technology to a boat...

[Charlie, Mac exclaims]

- [Mac] I knew it! The conspiracy is real! - ...we could... Oh, shit.

- Oh, you lied to us! - Yeah! You're... You're stealing our pitch.

- Are you stealing it? - And you're Gilligan?

Uh, well, that actually tracks because she's got the same body...

- Yes. - ...but I don't love it.

This is bullshit. Have you guys been working on this for years?

Well, we couldn't pitch the episode idea with you guys.

Because you guys are all into conspiracy theories and stuff.

- Constantly. - There was a conspiracy.

You had us locked in the par--

- Give me the hat. - [stammers] Stop it.

I'll tell you what, get your own hat. Get your own hat.

- [Charlie] Hey, hey! Stop! - [Dennis] Okay. All right, all right.

Hey. Yeah, so, um... [chuckles] Yeah, okay.

So anyway, so, um...

So anyway, the Professor, uh, realizes that he can use

the same wheelbarrow technology to create a boat, and I... you get it.

[chuckles] What do you think, man?

Well, this is great. I would love to see this episode.

- Really? - You would?

- Oh, wow. - [Frank] Wait.

Well, this would require some back-end compensation.

Of course.

Okay, so, uh, how's this work?

You fly us out to Hollywood

or you want to put us in touch with your agent or...

- My agent? - [Dennis stammers]

- Or your grandfather's agent. - His grandfather's agent.

I mean, yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I-I think I see the confusion here.

I'm not related to the creator of Gilligan's Island.

W... What?

You got the same last name. We looked you up.

- We did our own research. - Yeah.

There's some confusion online. People have mixed us up before.

My grandfather is also named Sherwood Schwartz,

but he owns a Laundromat in Albany.

- Dude. - Oh, goddamn you. Goddamn you!

What are you doing here listening to our pitch

if you're not even related to the guy?

I'm sorry, but you seemed so passionate when you approached me,

and I didn't want to let you down.

I mean, thank you for this, and, you know,

it is a shame they didn't get a hundredth episode.

- You lousy basta-- - Oh, shut up!

- Get outta here! - Get outta here, man!

[Dee] You don't get to say that. Shut up! Shut up!

- [Dennis] Damn it! - What a goddamn waste of time!

- Yeah. Wow, we really got worked up, huh? - [Mac groans]

Well, we probably shouldn't be believing everything we read online.

- Oh, yeah. - Maybe not everything is a conspiracy.

Guys, we can't just attribute meaning where there just isn't any.

I mean, sometimes, guys, there just is no "there" there.

[♪ comical music playing]

Hey, I got it, an ending that's gonna make Grandpa proud.

The world's finally gonna get all the answers.

Wait till everybody sees this.

Too bad they never will.

[silenced gunshot]

[engine revs]

[tires squeal]

[♪ jovial music playing]

[electricity crackles]

[♪ jovial music continues]