Original subtitles

MARTY: Previously on House of Lies:

Jeannie...?

Who's Jeannie?

I was thinking that it was time for you

to run your own pod.

Are you ready to step up?

SARAH: Let's get married.

In Vegas. Tomorrow.

DOUG: You and Marty?

God, remember that?

How confused and tortured

and out of control that whole thing was?

Probably not so fun for you.

Jeannie's not by my side,

and she's not gonna be by my side.

If you could just

use the tits and ass that God gave you

and blow the occasional CEO,

just maybe

we wouldn't be in the fuckhole

that we are in right now!

What do you do if you like a girl...

and you like a boy?

I'm open to whatever.

Colossal Foods.

Go on.

Yours.

I'll give you everything you need to close 'em.

(siren wails, horns honk)

Mister... Oh, all right.

WOMAN: And I could see

the last cliff ahead of me.

And I'm carrying my pack,

you know, just those few belongings that I have,

and the sun is just...

this beautiful orange

that is just burning on me.

And as I looked out...

over that vast Outback,

standing next to my Aboriginal brothers and sisters,

I realized one thing,

and one thing only.

I didn't survive...

because of that ostrich egg.

I did not survive

because of the trapped rainwater.

I survived

because of the power.

(scattered murmuring)

It was the power in you,

in me, the power in the ostrich,

in the water, in the Nantuwaru.

It's all the same power.

It's all one power.

Where was the power?

In you. Right.

The power was in me all along.

And where's your power?

WOMAN: In me. (laughing): Right.

The power, the life, the godhead

is in me.

The power...

...is in me. CROWD: Is in me.

The power is in me.

The power is in me.

The power is in me.

The power is in me!

The power is in me!

The power is in me!

The power is in me! The power is in me.

The power is in me! The pow...

The power is in me!

(laughs) Wow. The power is in me!

The power is in me! (grunting)

The power... Yes! Yes!

Yeah, yeah! Ah, ah!

Ah...

(grunts) Yes, ah...

Ah!

(coughs) (panting)

Ah...

Mmm.

(sighs)

Hey...

look...

I gotta tell you, um...

I loved your rap.

I thought it was...

it was really inspiring.

(laughs)

Seriously? Yeah.

Seriously.

It was powerful.

(laughing)

What?

Those poor little people in that beige room.

They all want to believe that they can have

just one shred of power in their life,

and they can't.

Well, I mean... It's all bunch of horseshit anyway.

What is?

Just fucking all of it.

None of us have any power.

We're all just...

passengers on God's kamikaze rocket ship,

powerless to our relationships,

to our drugs

of choice, to our families.

We're just careening at warp seven

into a barren asteroid called

We're All Fucked.

Oh. Wow. I...

haven't heard of that one.

Must be one they just discovered,

swirling around Mars or some shit. (laughs gently)

Orgasms fill me with existential dread.

So...

the walkabout,

the Outback, that's just...

I mean, I did

wait tables at a Outback Steakhouse.

Okay.

I mean, I-I figured you were making

some of it up, I mean... I'm sorry.

I have taken you to Sandra Joy's Isle of Ennui.

But... I think I know how we could

find our way

back to the mainland.

Maybe we could just...

be a little more gentle... Shut up!

(grunts)

(helicopter whirring in distance)

*

Hey, Marty, watch this.

Roscoe, take it easy.

Roscoe!

Roscoe!

(dog growling)

JEANNIE: Hey, Marty.

Look what I've got.

(gun hammer clicks)

Jeannie. J...

Jeannie, look behind you!

(laughing)

Jeannie, look behind you!

Jeannie, turn around!

(gasps)

ROSCOE: What you got, Grandpa?

JEREMIAH: You don't want none of this.

Good job, Grandpa. Ha! In his face. (grunting)

(grunts) Ah. Your ball. It's your ball.

Come on. What you got? I got it, I got it,

I got it, huh? What you got?

Here we is! Goal!

JEREMIAH and ROSCOE: Oh!

ROSCOE: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

JEREMIAH: Sky hook, baby.

ROSCOE: Hey. Hey, Dad.

Come watch this.

I'm posterizing Grandpa.

JEREMIAH: What does that even mean?

ROSCOE: I don't even know!

(laughs) You're out... oh!

Uh, what's the breakfast situation, Pop?

Uh, granola. Grandpa, focus.

I'm focused.

(Jeremiah laughs) ROSCOE: Oh.

Well, aren't you gonna ask, Dad?

Ask what?

Whether or not it happened?

MARTY: Uh... did it happen?

I made point guard on the basketball team.

Oh, wait a minute!

That is great.

All right, that's awesome!

And... And...

No, no. There cannot possibly be more.

And I met someone kind of cool.

On the team?

Yeah.

That's great.

Uh...

this person have a name?

Lex.

MARTY: Lex?

Lex.

Just Lex. ROSCOE: Yep.

Oh.

And you like this... Lex? Oh, yeah.

And, uh... does Lex have game?

Lex got game.

(laughs)

Does Lex have Marty Kaan-level game?

Lex has enough game to beat Marty Kaan.

With a little help

from Roscoe Kaan.

Oh, wait a minute. Are you throwing down?

You should pick me up after school.

Bring your Victorian

lace-up leather athletic boots...

(laughs)

...and we'll see.

(indistinct conversations)

We need to get on that account.

Are you serious?

Um... I don't know, Jeannie.

You know, I was pooping next to him once,

and I saw under the stall

that he had an ankle holster.

It's not easy to go

when you're in fear for your life.

I'm going in.

Jeannie...

(sighs)

Then the horse says,

"Well, fuck you, pal.

I've got full-blown AIDS!"

(whinnies, laughter)

Full-blown AIDS. That's super funny.

Ah...

Jeannie, right? Uh-huh.

I'm just keeping the morale up with the troops.

Nice.

Um, Gil...

(clears throat)

Colonel Selby...

I had a look

at the accounting road map... Mm-hmm.

on your DOD project, and I...

I found a couple ways that we could

restructure.

Hon...

we've been data mining

for my fellow patriots at the Department of Defense

for a very long time,

and this is the longest-running contract

at Galweather, bar none, so... Right.

No argument there.

I just thought maybe I could help you

run it more efficiently and increase profit margins.

Well, if it ain't broke...

But it is.

Broke.

You know what?

No worries. Never mind.

I-I thought I could help, but, um...

I will move on.

Takes a tough little lady to admit she's wrong.

MONICA: We should be

in goddamn Phoenix,

billing a shitload to Colossal Foods right now.

But we're not.

Are we? CLYDE: You're right, Monica.

We'll get 'em next time.

That sounds... hollow.

So... my babies,

I hope you'll listen to the woman that makes

seven figures, instead of to your questionable

colleagues.

We're gonna make a deck

to end all decks for Colossal Foods.

One of you

will take the blame

for that PowerPoint SNAFU.

You can...

draw straws,

figure out who takes it up the ass.

Uh, I wasn't even working here then.

Me, either.

Doesn't matter.

Good luck.

She's fucking nuts.

Oh, I think she's hot.

In a dominatrix-y way.

At least she's not a rapist.

Alleged.

I'm not... Listen.

She saw that we had a nice rapport,

and she was trying to stop it, okay?

She did the same exact thing with the PowerPoint.

Who would make something like that up?

Are you serious?

Look at her-- she's a fucking monster!

Big shocker, the-the rapist--

oh, I'm sorry, alleged rapist--

doesn't respect his female boss. Don't, Christy.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't don't, don't, don't...

Hey, hey!

Please, okay?

I'm not a rapist.

I'm not perfect, but I am not a rapist.

Christy?

Do you need a safety buddy?

CLYDE: All right, fuck it.

I'm a rapist.

I really want to thank you, Julianne.

I am learning a tremendous amount from you.

Yes, well,

I enjoy mentoring.

I mean, I would not have the self-confidence

that you do in the face of...

How so?

Just... you know,

keeping people on the payroll

from the old regime

who are clearly adversarial...

To me.

Right.

Yes, well, you know,

I think it's important to embrace...

Who doesn't like me?

That's not what I...

I wouldn't even have mentioned it if it were just that.

I'm just thinking that...

we really have to make it rain and... Listen, Jeannie.

The only way that women are going

to move forward in a boy's club like this one

is if they band together and share information.

Now, who the fuck hates me?

I really wouldn't feel right.

Who?

Gil Selby.

The Department of Defense data mining account.

He's been doing the same shit forever.

I just...

I try to let him do his thing.

That's what I'm saying.

His thing is over.

He's leaving a significant amount of money

on the table every day.

Money that we could use to hang on to our jobs.

Really?

I've been studying the account.

Look, I know it

backwards and forwards.

These first figures

are what we're pulling in now.

And a lot of people just do the same things in self-defense.

Kick him in the crotch, kick him in the crotch.

And I said to the teacher,

why don't you grab, grab for both, you know, Right.

the thingy and the stuff? Mm-hmm.

Honey, are you listening to what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Of course, no, I-I-I can grab some stuff if you want to...

Oh, my God, forget it.

I'm sorry. I was... My mind was...

No, you know what, babe?

It's me, it's me. Tell me again, please?

I'm just blabbing and blabbing because I'm nervous.

No, no, no, no. 'Cause I don't know how to say it.

Um... Say what?

I pulled the goalie.

What, what?

What does that mean?

You know how in sports there's the goalie,

like in hockey, soccer, there's the goalie? Uh-huh.

And when the goalie is not on the field...?

Not enough players on the field or...?

That's true, um, and...?

No one to stop the players shooting at the goal...?

Or maybe to shoot 60 million

shots into the goal, Doug?

Wait, you stopped using birth control?

I did! What?

Why-why-why would you do that?

Well, because I want us to have a baby.

That's great! What? Doug?

If you're not sure about this... What?

you need to say something to me right now.

Hold on a second-- you didn't even tell me.

Okay. I... I mean...

Which is fine. I'm just...

I mean, how long have you been, um...

I mean, have we, have we done it, uh, uh...

I... Doesn't matter. That's fine.

Hey, it's great!

I said that-- it's great. Yeah.

So, I have no problem with it.

You know, because what's not to love about...

fucking babies? I love them.

Why are you acting so weird, then?

I'm not. I'm not. You are.

So just say it, if you don't want to do it, say no.

Say yes or no.

It's more complicated than that.

I think, if I'm being honest,

that if you're projecting this onto me

that I don't want a baby, which is ridiculous,

because I'm clearly thrilled about it... I...

I think you need to have a look at your own feelings.

Me? No, I mean really look at them, Sarah.

Because if you're feeling fear

or insecurity around this, well, then that's a problem.

Okay, forget it. Okay.

And we'll talk about this later. Great.

(elevator dings) (indistinct chatter)

Oh, my God. Don't ask.

Okay.

Jeannie, Sarah wants to have a baby. So...

She just told me. She's already trying.

Oh, bless!

With you?

What? Yeah, of course with me! (sighs)

God, I love her, you know that. I do, I love her, I love her,

I love her, but a baby?

Oh, my God, I don't know.

That is just so... absolute.

Well, that is a sacred gift is what that is.

Time to man up, buddy.

Fuck you.

What do I do? Jeannie, honestly.

Not a rhetorical question. What do I do?

You need to be the cock of the walk

and deliver that baby batter to your special lady.

Oh, my God. You must...

never talk about my sperm

ever again.

(clears throat)

If you put the plan B in a smoothie or something...?

Can we... can we... can we please get

this meeting started, okay? Yeah.

Yeah, Jeannie, I took a look

at those DOD models like you asked.

Yeah. Well, it looks like Gil

has been using a statistical methodology

that's been outmoded for years.

I mean, if you run industry standard

data mining applications, you could lower

headcount and bill a lot more.

I'm gonna say twice, three times as much.

Are you sure about that methodology?

We'd have to run a beta.

I will be right back.

(indistinct chatter)

(school bell rings)

Okay.

Oh, so that's how we gonna be getting down, huh?

Now, you know we're actually playing basketball,

it's not a dance contest, right?

Check up.

Uh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Got to go with the ball. Come on...

Hey, Lex.

What's up?

Hey, Lex, um...

I'm Marty. Nice to meet you. Yeah?

So, Lex, my dad, he thinks he can take us two on two.

For real? For real.

All right.

Let's do this. Let's do it.

Hey, Ethan, you want to go two on two?

You and my dad versus me and Lex?

ETHAN: Yeah.

You any good?

Are you any good?

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come on! Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

ETHAN: Come on, that's your side.

That's your side! If you can't "D" him,

say switch. You switch.

Come on, let's go. Ready? Check.

Hands up! Okay. Wow, again.

Insane. This is crazy. Yeah!

That's like two. What you want, Dad?

That's like two points. What you want, Dad?

Lex, plant your feet. Off your hand, Lex.

(grunts)

(whoops) You took one in the face!

Your man's fouling me.

You're my baby, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Foul, foul. Our ball!

Foul. Our ball.

Jeannie?

Hmm? Oh, hey, Gil.

Good luck with that DOD account.

I'll let all my friends

at the Pentagon know it's in your hands now.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Jeannie, don't give me your little girl lost act.

You just watch that sweet little ass of yours, okay?

Brick. Oh, no, he didn't.

Nice. (grunts)

Go, pick him up, pick him up.

No shot.

Oh, I...

Play him.

God! Goddamn it!

Lex.

Hey, so, Lex?

(stammers) Boy or girl? What...?

What's the deal?

Lex is a boy

spelled B-O-I.

Or a girl spelled G-R-R-L.

Okay. But yes.

Lex was born a girl.

Oh, born a girl. Yup.

Okay, that's... you know,

it doesn't matter, that's cool.

(both laugh)

What?

Mr. Marty Kaan, all tongue-tied.

Whatever. Never thought I would see that.

So, what are you, then?

I'm...

I'm Roscoe... dumb shit.

Now you're Dead Roscoe.

Don't run-- it just makes it worse for you.

It just makes it worse...

You and Marty working on some top secret project together?

Perhaps. (chuckles)

Aw, 18-year-old Aberlour. Mm-hmm.

You are generous.

I would not waste this on me

if I came to... you came to...

Never mind.

(chuckles)

Why is that?

(chuckling): I was just joking.

Mmm. Uh-huh.

Maybe because, even though I spend the majority of my time

telling people how great I am,

I don't buy it for a second.

Yeah. What does that feel like?

Pretty fucking...

(sighs) not... great.

Is that what you heard when you were growing up?

That you were not great?

What I heard growing up is not even...

You don't even want to know.

Oh, but I do, I do.

I heard growing up

that my father was not really a criminal,

uh, my brother was an all-star athlete,

and I was...

...roadkill.

Well, I'm really glad you're alive.

Thanks, Jeremiah.

(chuckles)

You just shrunk me, didn't you?

Is that okay?

Yeah, I kind of liked it.

MARTY: Hey, sorry we're late.

We got caught up.

Jeannie!

R-Dog! What is up?

Your grandfather is feeding me scotch.

Way to go, Grandpa!

You look butch.

What are you doing?

Well, me and my friend Lex just kicked

my dad's ass at basketball.

Lex, huh?

Yeah, he's a baller.

Yeah, I guess she's got a little game.

Hey, let's get washed up, buddy.

All right.

Yeah, me again.

Um, I'm-I'm gonna leave.

And I mean it this time,

because, you know, I have other things to do.

Not just to wait around for you. For real? You can't leave

your wallet just out in the middle of nowhere.

Ignore this message. You just turned up. Okay. Was that for me?

No. Yes! You're an hour and a half late.

I'm sorry. That's not okay.

Calm down. I'm sorry. It's my bad. Your bad?

That's all you have to say? Let me get a hangover martini,

and my friend here will have a very fruity cocktail

with as many of these tiny little umbrellas. I won't.

Just throw 'em all in. Beer's fine.

Don't... Please don't tell him to do that.

He'll make the drink.

He's not gonna make that drink.

It's a waste. Dude, you're fine.

As opposed to me, who's getting anally violated

by fucking Marty's ex-wife.

Dude, she's 100% shithouse-fucking-rat-crazy.

I'm right here!

I... Are you okay?

I'd be better if I wasn't living

with a fucking coked-out time bomb. Yeah.

Speaking of which, how is Sarah? That's not funny, man.

You can't say that. That's my wife.

That's my wife. It's kind of funny.

I'm kidding. How is your wife?

She's good, she's good.

You know, she wants a baby? They all want babies.

No-no-no, I mean... But where's the drink?

You know what I mean? Hey, Beard.

Beardio! Beard. Where's the drink? Hey.

Do you know what I need to do?

I gotta get the fuck out of that job.

And I have an interview with Booz Allen next week.

If that goes well, I'm fucking on it. Great.

Hey, beardy! Honestly, just a fucking beverage. Whoa.

He just put it down in front of you.

Clyde, there it is.

Oh, this? That's funny, Yeah.

because I ordered a fucking martini.

Do you remember when I came in here?

I said I'd like a martini? Easy mistake.

No, no, no, don't go for one second.

Just wait one second. In what world...

He said he's sorry. ...is a martini

the same thing as a fucking margarita? Clyde. Clyde.

Just tell me where you come from. From Williamsburg?

You come down here, just throw some shit in a fucking cup...

Clyde, what the hell?

Is he serious? He's fine.

Man the bar.

Want me to come around? Do something!

Come on now, you fucking idiot! Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, I dare you. He served at Fallujah.

He's got that PSD. Jesus Christ.

(phone chiming)

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yes, I can...

Yes, I can be there in ten.

Are you serious? You're leaving?

You just got here.

I know it. She's gonna cut off my cock and stick it

down my mouth cartel style. Would you rather I do that?

No, or course not. I wouldn't want to deal with

an irrational monster who has temper tantrums all the time.

Just be grateful you only have to deal with Jeannie.

Okay. You have no idea what this feels like.

And we're gonna hang out soon, okay? We'll catch up.

No, we won't. I miss you. Say it to me.

I miss you. I miss you. All right.

MONICA: Fucking slow!

Don't try to hide from me, 'cause I can... I will find you.

I will fucking search across the fucking world to find you!

What the fuck is going on? What is this?

Thought I asked you not to speak to me.

Oh, my God, are you still listening to this lunatic?

Hey, I'm not gonna rape you.

Definitely not now!

I will hunt you down like a prey and pee

on your dead carcass!

(Monica groans)

(sighs)

Let's go.

I just decided as I was watching each one of you

pack up your shit to go home

like we aren't in crisis mode:

we're pulling an all-nighter.

All fucking night! No. You know what?

Make the junior analysts do an all-nighter.

You think that I don't remember

what an all-nighter is for a junior analyst?

Take-out food and blow jobs.

I'm talking about an all-nighter

where we actually figure some shit out

and bill some fucking hours.

So we're gonna break up into two groups, we're gonna

bill some after-work hours on existing accounts

and we're gonna write some spec proposals for businesses that

we've been analyzing, and by 10:00 a.m.

tomorrow, we're gonna have at least one new account.

Is that good for you? Good? Good.

Ah! 'Cause I feel so much better already.

Monica, we've been here since 8:00 in the morning.

You can't expect us to stay the whole fucking night, okay?

Says the guy who left for drinks.

I was gone for 15 fucking minutes,

and you saw me leave, do you remember?

Why don't the three of you look at this

like an opportunity Strong.

to learn something for once I am strong.

instead of acting like the pathetic millennials that you are?

Do you need Mommy to tell you that you're special?

We're not gonna do this, okay? So we're gonna leave.

Let's go. CHRISTY: I am strong...

Let's go. Let's leave.

...and in charge. Guys, we're fucking going home.

I am strong and in charge.

What? I am strong...

and in charge. I am strong

and in charge. We don't do affirmations in my pod, sweetie.

I am strong and in charge. We close shit.

We do whatever we have to do to close shit. I am strong...

Do you understand what I'm saying to you? and in charge.

I am strong and in charge.

Monica, I don't think she's here right now.

Why don't you reach deep

into that tight Methodist snatch of yours

and pull out some goddamn business for once in your life?

Sic semper tyrannis!

(sighs)

We did it. No, we did not.

We did not do it.

(screams)

Security!

Oh, you little whore! (sobbing laugh)

Excuse me. Is this Dilaudid?

Do you have Dilaudid?

'Cause I'm allergic to everything else.

Oh, I saw you guys. No, no, no, I had nothing to do with this.

I saw you conspiring.

Monica, I had nothing to do with this, okay?

I am gonna fuck your ass with razor blades for this one.

You know what? Just fucking fire me.

Just fucking fire me, please.

Just fucking get me out of here.

No, I see what you're doing.

I know exactly what you're doing.

No way, bitch. I am gonna keep you here, right here,

for the rest of your mediocre career. (laughs)

This better be Dilaudid!

JEANNIE: All I'm saying

is that we... we can't do

too much of a scare tactic,

because then Colossal is gonna think

that I'm not doing my job,

and we gotta just... just stay out in front of them.

I know that, but I'm saying

we can't be so far out in front of them

that it looks like, you know,

you got magical powers or something.

(cell phone ringing) Right. Right.

Hello. Yeah, this is he.

She was stabbed?

Where?

No, I mean, what part of her body?

(laughs)

No, that's terrible.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Somebody finally stabbed Monica.

Nicked an artery or something.

Is she...?

Oh, no, she's okay.

You can't kill that.

No, you cannot.

DOD contract, wow.

You know, I always wanted to get this.

You-You were pretty ballsy on that one.

Yeah... (chuckles)

Old Gil wasn't too happy about it.

Old Gil.

So if I wind up at Gitmo, you will know why.

And I will send cookies.

What about you, Marty?

Are you glad you did it?

Out on your own?

Is it worth it?

Yeah.

* Stole my heart, you took and threw it... *

Yeah, I mean...

it-it would be worth it.

If what?

* And I kinda like it, yeah, I kinda like it... *

If what?

* How did I ever get to where I'm at? *

* Somehow I woke up in the palm of your hand *

* And I kinda like it

* Yeah, I kinda like it

* How could I want you, want you so bad? *

* And I just let you

* How could I have let you?

* It took me over

* It happened so fast

* I'm falling for the beat, yeah, yeah *

* Falling for the beat, yeah, yeah. *

Meow.