Original subtitles

Previously on House of Lies...

JEANNIE: We're really dancing around each other,

and-and I... I was hoping we could...

Let it remain really awkward.

I call, you get here

on the first-- not the second,

not the third-- flight.

MARTY: What do you want, man?

Why are you here? 30-year-old scotch.

Roscoe's empty bedroom.

Are you sure that you're okay with him

living with Monica?

Fucking ghetto loans.

MARTY: You want a shiny black face

to help sell your tiny little genocide?

Marty fucking Kaan, he's your man?

I think I got under your skin a little bit.

You did. So, where are we

gonna sleep, Marty?

I'm gonna start my own shop.

Kaan and Associates.

OFFICER (over PA): Attention, jogger. Please halt.

What's going on, fellas?

You got any I.D.?

Put your hands above your head now.

Spread your legs. You got a weapon on you?

Fuck you.

(grunting)

(phone ringing) JEANNIE: 40 minutes late.

Okay. 40 minutes.

I fight rush hour traffic to get to goddamn Van Nuys

to help his company

streamline their output of silicone fuck sticks,

and this asshole can't even be bothered to show up on time?

I'm sorry, but-- And by the way, where is Marty?

Jeannie Beannie!

Someone wake up on the wrong side

of the bed this morning? Don't start, Clyde.

Do you know

what I do to cheer myself up

when I'm having a case of the blahs?

Whatever you're gonna say right now, how about don't.

I advise Doug on a personal matter.

Did you know it is the one-month anniversary of Doug

and his special lady, and he is just

stumped on gift ideas.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

You know what, I would love a female opinion on this.

Hey, let me ask you this, Jeannie.

Um, how would you feel

if your man gave you a... hat?

Like, a really great hat?

(whispers) You're welcome.

Ooh. Or I could go funny.

I found this great

Jesus light switch plate on eBay.

Sarah's Jewish,

so, you know...

but it'd be like, "Doug..."

(laughs): Come on!

What were you just... and so naughty.

But it would-- I don't know.

Well, that's quite the decision. (phone ringing)

Well, I mean, she might say...

Hold on one second. Or I could write a poem, or...

Hey, where are you?

Yeah, no sex toys for me this morning.

Are you working on Vegas?

No. Um...

Tamara's down there with Carlson.

I'm gonna take a few personal days.

Marty Kaan is taking personal days?

Who is this, really?

CLYDE: Jeannie, I hate to interrupt,

but I think you dropped this.

Get that out of my face right now.

So this isn't your vagina? (sighs)

Doug, this is not her vagina!

Jesus, Clyde, grow up.

MARTY: Hey, so, listen,

unless something catches on fire,

or Clyde's dick explodes, just...

(door opens)

I'll call you guys soon.

Thought you could use a coffee.

Please tell me two of those are for you.

Your brother's parking the car.

My brother is parking the car.

(sighs) So, how you doing?

I'm fine.

(chuckles)

You're fine, huh?

Yup.

You talk with Roscoe about this yet?

No.

You going to?

Yup. (door opens)

When?

(sighs)

You look like shit.

Morning.

Don't skate by this, Marty.

It's our trials that afford us

the opportunity to become whole again.

You know, it wasn't

till Parsifal confronted...

Pop, Pop, Pop.

Give it a rest.

Yeah.

Aw, sh...

I forgot the scones.

Hey.

Sorry.

Nate Hyatt. Doug Guggenheim. Hi.

Clyde Oberholt. So sorry.

I was stuck in an intense breakfast

with Midori Alexis and her representatives.

Jeannie Van Der Hooven.

Hi. Hi.

Midori Alexis?

The-the star of Ass Kingdom Six?

That's the one. Wow.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hyatt, I have to ask:

is-is she as down-to-earth in real life

as she comes across in her movies?

Uh, she's... she's, yeah, she's okay.

God, I knew it. I knew it.

You can tell, I think. You can always tell. Yeah.

Yeah. God, that's great.

But we've been locked in

deep negotiations with her, trying to do

a mold for us, and I--

In any case, I'm very, very sorry

to keep you guys waiting. No.

Listen, if it means that the whole world

will finally have full access

to Midori Alexis's vagina

and anus, I say who are we to complain, you know?

Fingers crossed. You ready to see the factory?

* I'm happy as can be

* Tra-la-la-la-la-le

* As happy as a chappy can be

* Like the birds and all the bees *

* Swinging in the tree

* I'm happy as a chappy can be

* I'm smiling like a chap who sings a song in his heart *

* And now my heart is pounding till the day you part *

* This cheeky little chap has found his bonnie lass *

* And that's what makes a cheeky chappy happy *

* I'm happy as can be

* Tra-la-la-la-la-le

* As happy as a chappy can be

* Like the birds and all the bees *

* Singing in the trees

* I'm happy as a chappy

* You know the sort of chappy

* I'm happy as a chappy can be

(machines clanking, whirring rhythmically)

* I'm happy as can be

* Tra-la-la-la-la-le

* As happy as a chappy can be

* Like the birds and all the bees *

* Singing in the trees

* I'm happy as a chappy

* You know the sort of chappy

* I'm happy as a chappy can be. *

I've tried my best to carry on my father's vision.

He had a real commitment to building here in America,

to top-quality materials and evolved design.

You know, we use hypo-allergenic rubber, we use

medical-grade silicone.

But your competitors are killing you on price

by using sub-standard materials

from China, right? Uh-huh.

Okay, so the question becomes,

how do you maintain your margins

without damaging your brand, right?

Exactly. I don't want to slash quality control.

I don't want to slash R and D.

We're very proud of our green initiative.

We're actually working towards

a sustainable manufacturing process.

'Cause who wants a carbon footprint up in her vagoo,

you know? Take this back

to the home office, get you something

by the end of the week, all right?

Excellent, thank you. Thank you so much.

God, I can't believe... I never realized...

Can you hang on a second?

Yeah.

Um... so, what was all that about?

What was what?

The giggling, the whispering.

Oh.

No, no, I was just... uh...

Nothing.

You're not gonna get counseled out or anything,

if that's-that's how the lingo goes.

Just say it.

I suppose I found it amusing

just that you were talking about top-quality materials

and evolved design, you know.

Like... like you were building a particle accelerator.

Have you ever tried our merchandise?

Have I tried your merchandise? Yeah.

I'm not trying to be-- I just think

we make a superior product.

I'll have my assistant send you something.

I don't need-- That's okay, you don't have to have...

Hey, Kathy, can you, uh, send a package

of some of our best-sellers over to Jeannie Van Der Hooven

at Galweather Stearn, please?

Not to work.

Kathy, don't send me any dongs, please.

Rush delivery, please. Thank you.

Listen,

if you were consulting Sara Lee,

you would have a slice of their pound cake, right?

I would-- Do you hear yourself

when you're asking these questions?

Actually, I do.

Is it embarrassing when I talk about my job? Sometimes.

Do I wish I sold plumbing gaskets or vacuum cleaners? No.

Not even a little bit.

You know, it's really fun to talk about sex all day.

I don't know about you, but I enjoy sex.

I like sex. I'm not... Uh-huh.

Doc Johnson is my family legacy we're talking about.

Sent me to private school.

Sent me to Brown, it sent me to Wharton.

I'm not about to apologize for it

because some china doll has a stick up her ass.

Stick up her ass would be

a very good product for your guys.

It would. Can I use your scowling face for the packaging?

(helicopter whirring)

Jeannie?

This just came for you.

It's from... Doc Johnson.

They're a client.

Well, it's a rush delivery.

Uh, just give me the fucking package, Zanna.

(chuckles) Sorry.

Okay.

*

(lock clicks)

(quiet buzzing)

* Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, yes

* Ooh, ah... yes.

Pops was really coming after you

with that Jung archetype shit, huh?

Yeah.

(crowd cheering, men grunting over TV)

No issue that couldn't be illuminated

by the legend of Parsifal.

You notice they're always Anglo-Saxon myths?

Yup.

Those are not our stories.

Yeah. I mean, would it kill him

to throw in a parable from That's My Mama

or The Jeffersons?

(both laugh)

Yo, remember that time you stole

his good pen and took it to school?

Aw, shit. Oh, my God.

He was on Jungian

fire that night. Yeah.

What was that thing he kept saying?

"Luminosity entails numinosity."

Numinosity. (laughs)

Yeah, I remember looking over at Ma,

she's rolling her eyes like, "This bullshit."

Yup. Get it.

Oh. Oh.

Come on, go, go, go, go.

Oh. Oh.

So, you know, some of my people

have been in touch about what happened.

We think pursuing legal remedy

right now is just a waste of time.

Can we just play the game, Malcolm?

Okay, okay. I feel you.

You got to get the media to light a fire

underneath this thing, man.

(men grunting over TV)

Shit!

(groans)

(bell clangs over TV)

Take that... motherfucker.

Well, we can eliminate a product line.

I mean, they're basically competing with themselves.

Yeah, sure, if you want to play small ball.

Small ball? Yeah. Not me, man.

No, I don't think that's the answer.

I think the road forward is not contraction.

I think it's innovation.

Innovation?

DOUG: Their porn star molds

are a gold mine-- look at the figures,

speak for themselves-- so why not offer

a molding for Joe Citizen?

It would be like a Build-a-Bear Workshop,

but for hogs and honey pots.

Yes, exactly!

Jeannie gets it. Come on!

Stupidest idea I've ever heard, Doug.

It is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

No one wants a mold of their own penis.

No, that's not what I'm saying. Of course not.

No. But think about it, all right?

He's away on business,

she's at home all alone, missing her man.

What does she do, huh?

Reaches for the bottom drawer,

opens it up. Two hands. Stop.

Gonna need two hands. No, no.

Stop with the bottom drawer.

Doug, do not get Sarah a mold of your penis as a gift.

Why not? Its unique proportions make it quite habit-forming.

Jeannie, will you please tell Doug

that his penis is not Fritos?

I'm stuck on "unique proportions."

Can you elaborate?

You know what? I know what this is about. It's so obvious to me.

Look at him. (laughs)

You-you are so upset about me and Sarah.

It drives you crazy. It's so obvious.

Ah, you know what? You're right.

This is a brilliant idea.

It is. Put me down for two dozen.

Hanukkah is right around the corner.

You're right around the corner.

What does that even mean?

DOUG: Shut up.

CLYDE: What does that even mean?

DOUG: Shut up, I said, so...

God. So annoying to me.

Hi.

Hey, these are schmancy digs.

I think we're overpaying you.

You're definitely overpaying us. Yeah.

What can I help you with?

I was feeling bad about our encounter earlier.

I was downtown. I thought maybe

I would see if I could take you to lunch.

Well... it's 2:45, so I had lunch.

Yeah, yeah. So it is.

Sorry. It's the truth.

Uh, and you've had high tea?

Now, I know a place that got just bitchin' tea service.

They've got clotted cream, their sandwiches so tiny...

can't even see 'em.

Well, I am a fan of invisible sandwiches...

Good.

...for sure, but, um,

I actually have a shitload of work to get done

for this kind of asshole client?

How big an asshole? The biggest kind

you could imagine.

Like, "Oh, I went to Brown

"because I wanted Ivy League status,

but everyone to think I'm an artist."

Okay, I hate him.

He's the worst. Mm-hmm. I hate him.

He's the worst. Listen, it would serve him right

if you drop everything you're doing, just leave right now,

spend the rest of the afternoon with me.

Oh.

Oh, by the way.

I should tell you,

I don't really know a place with good tea service.

Besides England.

Do you have tea at your house?

(phone chimes)

All right, got to go.

See you later.

*

MARTY: "Jaguars and saber-toothed cats hunted

their prey on what's now the Miracle Mile."

Wow.

Does it hurt?

No.

Doesn't hurt.

(clears throat)

Let's go.

You want to take a picture?

Hey, don't-don't... don't do that.

So, are we just gonna walk around

and look at the animals all day, or are we gonna talk about...

We got to finish this project, don't we?

Yeah, okay. Um...

I was jogging.

I had my earbuds in.

I didn't hear the sirens.

I didn't hear when the cops called out.

Then things got...

And they just hit you?

Yeah.

What did you do?

I... (scoffs)

What could I do?

I just covered up and tried to protect myself best I could.

Fucking racist cops.

Okay, Roscoe, come on. They are.

Fucking racist. And I don't care

(loudly): who fucking hears it.

Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, come here. Fuck.

Shh. Listen.

Listen. Listen.

Now,

this wasn't about racist cops.

Yeah, that's a part of it, but you can't think about it

in terms of good guy and bad guy.

The bad guy doesn't always look like the bad guy.

Listen...

you put yourself out there every day,

and I love that about you. I do.

But you got to know that not everybody is gonna...

you know, look at you and see what I see.

I know, but I...

Listen, I-I know you've dealt with a lot.

What I'm saying is, it-it... it keeps coming at you.

And the shit doesn't get easier.

And you've been fierce about it.

You make good choices.

You make smart choices.

And you got to keep doing that.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

(sighs)

Dad? Mm?

This could happen to me.

Looking that fabulous? You kidding me?

Dad.

It's not gonna happen to you, okay?

Okay.

(Marty sighs)

Dad? Mm?

I've been thinking.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to move back home.

You want to move back in with me?

Yeah.

(sighs) There goes my sewing room.

What?

(laughs)

You're breaking it to Mom.

All right. All right.

I'm going to the spider house.

Yeah, yeah.

NATE: It was somewhere.

(sighs) I really, really thought I had tea.

(sighs) You know, I do have...

Quik.

I'll take some Quik.

Great.

You're not gonna be sorry.

Um, speaking of sorry, I am sorry about this morning.

I'm not normally that...

I mean, I'm kind of a bitch, but Wes--

who's... who is my former fiancé--

he, uh, sent me

a wedding invitation, so my...

Yeah, I know how that is.

I have an ex-girlfriend who--

she not only invited me to her wedding,

but sends me a Christmas card

every single year with a picture of

these two redheaded fucks that aren't my kids.

It's like, thank you?

(chuckles) I just think

exes want closure.

They need to feel like everything's okay.

I don't know why I feel like

this is more about spite

than closure, though. Aw.

"Fuck you, whore."

Well, could go either way.

Yeah, I think-- Oh, well, and, also,

I have not now nor ever plan to be

known by the name Cunty Cunterson, so...

So... Come on. The po...

I'm sorry, but the post office delivered this?

Uh-huh. They thought

a Cunty Cunterson lived at your address?

It's not professional at all.

(laughs)

He had to get a calligrapher

to do this. I'm so sorry.

You're having such a shitty day. Wow.

It's all right. You should go to this, though.

(laughs) That's all right.

My day has gotten... slightly better,

because of meeting you.

Oh. Thank you. I can be kind of charming.

You sure can.

You also, sir, manufacture a pretty sweet fuck stick.

No.

Which one?

The Lucid Dream Number 14.

And that's a quality product, is it not?

Is it ever...

You've tried it?

Yes, I've tried it. I have one in right now.

Um, can I see?

Yeah, you can see. Okay.

Okay. Let's do this.

Let's do it. Well, show me.

I don't know. I'm confused. What's happening?

Um, I'm sorry. That was a very...

That was a lame joke for me to try

to get you to take your pants off.

Oh, you want me to take my pants off?

I would like you to take your pants off, yes.

Also like it if you took off your underwear, if you could.

Uh-huh. How about this?

I will also take off my pants in solidarity.

Slow-slow-slow down. I don't...

Maybe I don't want to have sex with you.

Really? It's possible.

No, let's do this. I doubt it.

Let's get these pants off, just in case. Yeah, yeah.

Better safe than sorry.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

*

Hey, Grandpa, guess what.

I'm moving back home.

Oh, now, that's exciting.

It was time, you know.

JEREMIAH: It was, indeed.

We got to celebrate.

I can't wait to get back in my room. MALCOLM: I got it.

WOMAN: I'm telling you, this is something special.

MALCOLM: I got everything. I got the Internet... Yo.

Oh, hey!

Young Roscoe.

(laughs) What's up, Uncle Malcolm?

Hey! Marty, I want you to meet

Dan, Heather

and Byron. This is him, y'all.

Aren't you guys supposed to jump up

and say surprise or something? (laughter)

This is my brother Marty. Yeah.

Roscoe, go-go finish your project.

Fine.

Shit that happened to you-- it's a goddamn outrage.

Bro, you would not believe

the phone call I had while you were gone.

Oh, no. This reporter from

the L.A. Times... Stop right there, man.

No, no, no, no, no. Hear me out.

Here me out. Come on, have a seat.

Uh, want a drink?

HEATHER: Have a drink. No drink.

So, we're not talking about a blurb

in a crime blotter. This reporter

thinks that your story can be a springboard.

A springboard for what?

A larger examination of race right here in Los Angeles.

DAN: Series of articles.

Possibly front page.

The reporter's been nominated for a Pulitzer.

A Pulitzer? Wow.

Mm-hmm. And he's eager

to sit down with you, Marty.

Now, it doesn't have to be today.

Or tomorrow.

There is a time sensitivity to it.

Yeah, it's-it's sensitive.

(laughs)

Okay. Um...

Uh, Dan, Heather and Brian...

It's-it's Byron. Oh.

Sorry. Byron.

Dan, Heather, Byron. Yeah.

Get the fuck out of my apartment.

I need you to stop occupying

my couch right fucking now. HEATHER: Oh.

Uh, Squirrel, what are you doing? Yo, sorry, brother,

that I ruined your little "my brother got

his ass kicked" party. But you got to go.

Kick rocks. Move.

Uh, no, no, no, my man.

You leave the cheese and the cracker.

(chuckles) Yeah.

I'm not fucking around.

(door opens)

(sighs)

Really? Really.

You gonna do this shit right now?

Yo, you got to go get baby girl, right?

Heather, baby, wait up!

(door closes)

What?

I'm not gonna be

some poster child, okay?

Yeah, you want this to be a, uh, private matter.

Yeah. All right, all right.

That's cool. Okay.

But your brother...

Mm.

This is something he knows about, Marty,

and, uh, he's trying to make a connection with you.

Are you feeling okay?

I mean, do we need to adjust

your meds or something?

He's trying, Marty.

He doesn't...

This isn't about me and him.

He's trying to show off for-for Brian and-and the chick

that got, you know, has got her tits all over his dick.

He's a fucking selfish motherfucker-- he uses people.

Must be like looking in the mirror.

Do we have any peanut butter?

I don't know. Try an apple.

All right.

You know, you used to be like him.

Hmm? Warm and forgiving.

Open to connection.

Yeah.

You got to grab this opportunity, man.

Take inventory.

The shit that's not working for you-- get rid of it.

The shit that is--

well, take it off the back shelf, blow the dust off

and hold it out there for everybody.

Well, for somebody. (phone ringing)

Damn.

(groans)

Right in the middle of a session, too.

Hello.

TAMARA: Why didn't you answer

my text, Marty? Vegas is a nightmare.

Where are you? Yeah, it's been kind of a...

Carlson is losing his shit. He is tearing apart

our acquisition targets, finding irregularities.

Is that Marty on the line?

Tell him I want his ass out here.

Do you hear him?

He wants your ass out here right now.

Yeah, I heard. I heard.

Listen, it's-it's not really a good time right now.

CARLSON: What, is he saying no?

Remind him that I own his ass.

I own your ass, motherfucker!

TAMARA: Okay, you need this.

We need this.

You cannot set up your own shop

coming off of an $80 million deal blowing up in your face.

Get here now.

(whispers): Fuck.

(jet engine roaring)

So, you and Nate were working?

Yes, Nate and I were working.

Then why is your shirt misbuttoned?

Oh! Oh!

(laughs)

Jeannie Beans,

you've been out of the game a while.

It was a dark, dark time.

Budding young hos with no one to look up to.

Mm. And that's what it's really all about, isn't it?

Inspiring the next generation.

Thank you for reminding me, Clyde. Of course.

You should always remember that.

How long had it been? For real.

Uh, three months, 14 days.

Yup.

What? What is that?

I'm asking Jeannie.

Are you serious right now?

Doug, are you keeping a fucking diary or something?

No. Of course.

Oh, my God. What? No.

Oh, by the way, I spoke to Nate

about your, um, Build-a-Dick idea.

He was totally into it, and he says he'll let you

do yours for free if you're interested. Ooh.

If I'm interested? Are you kidding me?

That was the whole point...

Right, you're messing with me.

(chuckles)

Am I losing my acting chops or is he getting smarter?

Sadly, I think he's getting smarter.

I doubt it.

I, uh, ran into a door.

WOMAN (over speaker): Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to your flight to Las Vegas today.

Please make sure...

Bullshit, you ran into a door.

Oh, yeah.

Over and over and over again.

...either under your seat or in the overhead bins.

Also, make sure that your seat backs and tray tables

are in locked and upright positions...

(sighs)

...and all seat belts are securely fastened.

Have a nice flight.

I got into an altercation with the cops.

What?

Are you gon... I mean, was there any...

No.

You don't want to talk about it?

No.

Okay.

Okay, you know what I do want to talk about?

Cock rings.

And Ben Wa balls.

And dildos and... plugs.

And, uh... (chuckles)

bullets, eggs, beads, harnesses.

(laughs)

Blinders, restraints.

Baby, I just need to know, did you use them all,

or did you save something up for the second date?

Oh, you heard. Heard what?

Uh-huh.

(chuckles) So, what's the story?

There's no story.

There's a story. Come on.

Did the Dildo King find his Dildo Queen?

Oh, please.

Obviously, I would prefer he did not sell vibrating hoo-has.

Well, obviously.

Right, but... I mean, I-I like him.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Cool.

If you want to talk about it

or, you know, (chuckles)

to this or other... I know.

I know right where to find you.

WOMAN: Right this way, please.

Mr. Carlson.

Would someone explain the Grand Canyon to me?

Five million visitors a year.

Park Service is making money hand over fist, and for what?

It's a big fucking hole.

(chuckles) Yeah, we, uh...

We'll look into that.

But, uh, you had some (clears throat) questions

about the acquisition targets.

There were some concerns with irregularities.

Irregularities?

With the acquisition targets.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, I'm over that.

(laughs)

Oh, my God.

Grumpy Cat is such an asshole.

Oh, my God.

He's over that. You know what?

I'm gonna buy Atari. That's what's gonna happen.

(shouting)

(grunts)

I'll see you later, Marty.

Yeah.

(panting)

(grunts)

(crowd cheering) MAN: Winner!

Oh, yeah! (cheering continues)

Now you got to hit it though.

And I believe in you,

because you are my friend. I believe in you...

You know what? I'm going big on it.

I'm going big on it.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Hard eight.

Brother, do you see what's on the table?

I don't give a fuck.

Let me see them rocks. Let's go.

Guys, we need a fucking eight.

Let's go. We need an eight!

This is no joke!

I mean, we really need an eight!

Let's go, baby!

(voices fading)

(dice rattling)

You feeling lucky?

I'm standing next to the man, Marty. Roll it, baby!

Why don't you handle it. Tell me if I win.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

* I'll be thinking of you still in the stillness *

* Of my life

* We'd be drinking love until the day *

* You'd rather hear yourself

CROWD (chanting): Eight, eight, eight, eight!

(knocks)

One sec.

(crowd cheering)

Give it! Pay up!

Hey.

* You'll be thinking of me still *

* In the stillness of your life *

Thank God. I'm fucking starving.

* We'd be sharing promises

* So warm and blessed

* Until you went to live

* Live by the nauseated

* I set you free

* Reinstate your constant wishes *

* As you seem to announce this poorly *

* I sit here and give in to the diversity... *

Meow.