Original subtitles

Previously on House of Lies...

My name is Julianne Hofschraeger.

You know that we're hemorrhaging business

with the big guys leaving, right?

You're the new Jesus Christ and I am counting on you

to close like a motherfucker.

But trust me, I'm not here to outshine you.

'Cause I'm the goddamn sun.

I fucked my boss, told the whole company.

Left my handsome, rich

fiancé and got kicked out of our stunning downtown loft.

You put together six months of sobriety...

and I'll vanish.

You're, like, the fucking morality Nazi or something.

Are you taking Parkinson's drugs?

Do the math.

Night, Daddy. Night, Mom.

Is this some sort of a legal custody grab?

He's already here, Marty.

(people chanting)

Get my man right there.

One percent took my pants, yo.

Pants?

They're taking our jobs.

Busting up our unions.

He used to have a pot to piss in.

Corporate warmongers took that shit, too.

(crowd clamoring in agreement)

See, it's real simple.

I'm about getting brown folks to see that our money

is tied up in Wall Street, too.

And I ain't stopping until we get some

economic equality up in this bitch!

Right, that's right.

I'm a fighter.

Guess I got that from my pops.

JEREMIAH: Empowering the disenfranchised.

Mm.

It's a powerful drug, isn't it, son?

Oh, yeah. Mm.

Yeah, anybody ever tell you that, uh,

double-dipping bread is unsanitary?

This bread is why I invited y'all here.

I've been jonesing for it since my last visit.

Last visit, what was it, like, three years ago?

It hasn't been that long.

Well, I was into Soulja Boy,

so, yeah, it's been forevs.

My bad, little man.

But I'm back.

Hey, hey, oh, oh. Hey.

(Malcolm laughing)

You got a very strong community

of supporters on that Twitter.

ROSCOE: They're his "tweeple," Grandpa.

They're his what?

His "tweeple." Yeah, his "tweeple."

I've been, uh,

I've been talking to Cornel.

(laughs) West?

So, Cornel West knows you?

Yeah. (clears throat)

He retweeted me one time and I retweeted him.

There is dialogue.

I think it's pretty fierce that you've been living

in a tent community-- hit me up next time.

I got you. See, Pops, he's already on...

He's ready for the movement!

It's in the blood, it's in the blood.

There's no chance in hell

you're gonna be staying in some

rat-infested candy shop for pedophiles.

So forget about it. Shit, there's more

sharks in your tank than mine, Squirrel.

Please don't call me that.

What was that nickname-- Squirrel?

'Cause your daddy was always trying to get a nut.

I'm stealing that, yo. I think

that's a bad idea, yo.

So, uh,

you running Galweather?

I mean,

all that tap-dancing, you got to be the man by now.

Wow, all up in my nut sack again.

The way you hoard that shit,

ain't no way. Why are you so concerned about my career?

I'm just telling it like it is.

(arguing indistinctly)

Marty? Malcolm?

Huh?

Okay?

You okay, Pop?

Hmm?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Got my three men here.

Everything is good, hmm?

(Malcolm sighs)

(sighs)

Give it here.

Come on.

You sure, Dad? I'm sure.

'Cause I could... You know... I know, next time.

Thanks.

Thanks for the invite, Malcolm.

Well, if big-money Squirrel is paying,

I'm getting me some pot de creme.

Add pot de creme to that to-go order.

JEANNIE: I just really don't see why we have to actually do it.

Well, if we are going to give Cupid Chemistry a real gut

on how to expand into niche markets

for their online dating Web site, using this matching

algorithm, then we're gonna...

Doug?

Hmm? New rule.

You don't have to raise your hand if you need to go tinkle.

I want to ask you something-- is my index finger

shorter than my ring finger,

or the same length?

ALL: Shorter.

God, they are thorough, I'll give them that.

Yeah, you know why they ask the question about

the index finger, Doug? Mm-hmm?

Because a man's index finger

is directly proportional to the size of his...

No. 100% accurate.

(laughing): Obviously it's not... no.

Why do I suddenly want to fuck Arsenio Hall?

(laughs) Please.

I will put my finger against Arsenio's dick

any day of the week.

Aw... Wow.

whoops. Kiddies,

Daddy's done.

How are you done? Not possible.

There's like 500 fucking million questions

on this idiotic dating profile.

MARTY: Yes,

and I answered all of them

with the careless abandon of not giving a shit.

Good job, Daddy.

The Cupid Chemistry CEO was kind enough to give us

three weeks of membership for free.

I think it behooves all of us

to give a shit.

When you say all of us, who do you...?

Well, obviously not you, Marty, I mean... Boo.

Fuck me. Come on. Shit.

So, U.S. National Bank has requested a sit-down with a team

headed specifically by you. Ah.

Seems that you have made quite a name for yourself.

Oh, thank you. Well, I'm all over it.

And I think I'm gonna have one of my new hires join you there.

You, uh, worked with Tamara in Vegas, right? No...

Uh, yes, but if it's all the same to you,

I'd just rather take somebody from my own team.

Oh, yeah, sure, your call.

I mean, I don't have to tell you how valued

you are here at Galweather.

You are one of our stars.

Translation--

Galweather is sinking and you need

a new bank to make up for the loss of Metrocapital.

You can just talk to me like a professional,

Julianne-- you don't have to tickle the balls.

You're right.

Neither of us has the time

so I'm gonna get to it.

Here is what I need from the great Marty Kaan.

Go to Chicago, bat your eyes, French kiss

some ass if that's what it takes to bring

this home for Galweather.

Hope that didn't tickle.

Clyde, you used the word "cock" in every answer?

That is not true. "Clyde is more enthusiastic

than most people about his big cock." Big ol' cock.

Sure, yeah, true. "Clyde likes to work out in the mornings

with his big cock." With his big ol' cock, yeah.

Maybe you and your big cock should run off to Vermont

and get married. Oh, I wish.

But we're just not that compatible.

Sometimes he likes fat chicks.

Fam-a-lam, we are splitting up.

One of you is coming to Chi-town with me.

Thank God-- see you later, freak and geek.

Uh, no, Jeannie.

I'm taking Clyde.

You and Doug are going to San Diego.

To take on Cupid Chemistry.

Oh.

Okay, sure.

DOUG: San Diego?

Doug Guggenheim calling.

Prepare to be painted red. (laughs)

I'm feeling something very real,

very scary forming between the two of us.

Insert Clyde dick joke here.

No, no, no, no.

For real.

Thank you for letting me second this one.

Jeannie is fucking pissed though.

(laughs) Well,

look, I can't play favorites, you're both my kids.

Aw, shucks, Dad.

I've been waiting my whole life to hear you say that.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

Did you not bring her because she was bad in bed?

There he is.

(laughs)

Can't help it, can you?

Seriously though.

Thank you.

I needed some extra shine at the office.

You work your ass off for these motherfuckers and then...

poof, vaginas are the new dicks at Galweather.

PILOT (over speaker): Sit back, relax,

enjoy the rest of the flight.

We'll begin to descend in about 15 minutes.

INSTRUCTOR (on TV): To the right, to the left,

to the right, to the left. One, two, three.

Mr. Criswell, the team from Galweather is...

Oh, hey, hold on one sec.

So glad you guys could make it.

To the left. I know you're tired...

Cool down's coming up.

And we are done. (yells)

Yeah!

WOMAN: Good job, good job.

You got to take care of the temple.

You must. You got it, buddy, you got it.

(yelling)

Good, okay.

Carl, this is Marty Kaan.

And?

Clyde Oberholt. Right.

They're the team from Galweather.

Ah, my Galweather guys.

Ow. Thought you saw it coming.

Sorry about that. You work out, right?

Uh, yes, I do.

Yeah, what do you do? I box.

You look really, really good.

Uh, thank you.

I'm sure you've

gotten a whiff of the HSBC shit explosion?

Uh, yes.

Um, terrorist ties. Yeah.

Money laundering using,

It's an outrage. uh, U.S. bank accounts?

Yeah, in a climate where people already

distrust the banking industry.

My nana keeps her money in her bra.

Calls it God's pocket.

(laughs)

Mr. Criswell

has worked very hard at making U.S. National

a different kind of bank.

A bank you can trust.

Family bank.

(sighs) A bank

where every Jane and John Smith,

Hernandez, Jackson,

hell, even Chang

can come with their kids on a Saturday

and count the pennies in their piggy banks.

Sounds lovely.

You open an account with us,

not because you get a cherry pie, which you do,

but because you trust us.

Trust and pie.

That's American,

and that's where you come in.

Oh, to be an American?

Oh, nuts.

Nuts. I, uh, I forgot

my, uh, birth sac-tificate.

Certificate. Certificate, at home.

(laughs) This guy.

I got it. Get it?

Obama joke. Yes. Yeah.

'Cause he's black, it's an Obama joke, sure.

Yeah, it's good. Right. Well, we would like you

to perform a regression analysis of our client base,

account security and lending practices.

USNB takes its fiduciary integrity very seriously.

Well, of course.

And we'll be working with your compliance team? No.

Uh, they have already done their analysis,

and you will be fresh eyes.

Okay.

Get you guys set up. All right. Yep.

And, Brynn?

Yeah? Do me a favor.

Give these guys some cherry pie.

Fresh eyes?

That is a little bit... Weird.

Weird is right. Yeah.

Plus Criswell is a little rah-rah-sis-boom-bah

about America.

Doth I smell a run for office?

I think thou dost. Ah.

Uh, excuse me, Brynn? Yeah?

What office is it that your boy's gunning for?

What? Come on.

We can smell a political consultant a mile off.

Did I walk past a mirror?

You did. No reflection.

(chuckles) Damn it.

He wants to be governor next go-around.

Governor? Well, his congressman daddy wants him to be governor.

He hasn't officially announced an intention.

This is just the strategy phase,

but I'm the lucky girl that gets to eat,

sleep, and breathe his political future.

So you're like a sexy Geppetto in Manolos?

Right now, he's just another fantastically rich white guy

with an unapologetic God complex

and an electable head of hair plugs.

(chuckles)

Well, don't be so cynical about rich white guys.

They're making a comeback.

Oh, you give me four years.

He'll be fucking Braveheart.

Ooh, with the face paint and everything?

Mm-hmm.

It's weird that he took Clyde, right?

Did you see the way Clyde smirked at me?

Are you kidding me?

What?

Doug, your dating profile pic.

What?

"Thank the Second Amendment..."

BOTH: "For these guns, ladies." Yeah.

No. What? I'm... That's...

What? That just says that I'm fit and that I'm pro-NRA.

Big deal.

That's not what it says, Doug.

(tablet dings) My God. Jeannie, look.

I have a 94% match

with, uh, Shy Sarah from San Diego.

Oh, my God. Should I...

Should I ask her out?

Hmm, Shy Sarah did not

post a profile pic.

Meh. Do you know what that means?

She's shy because she's fugly.

Please don't say that.

This could be my soul mate, Jeannie.

It means that you could forever be known as Doug and Fug.

And how do you know that?

Because I will start it, and obviously it will catch on.

(indistinct announcement over P.A.) Oh, God, 94%.

That's high; I'm gonna ask her out. I have to,

and I think you should ask out one of your matches.

(scoffs) When the fuck did I become you?

(tablet dings)

Look at this one. This one's great.

Cameron the kung fu lover.

Are you logged on to my profile? Well, yeah.

I'm trying to help you, Jeannie.

I'm not going out

with some Internet loser. Fine.

Well, I did not want to have to do this, Jeannie, but...

you leave me with no choice.

All right, some...

tough love.

Here, this is you.

Excuse me, bigger boobs,

but patties, not links.

Okay, well, one is a little bigger

than the other.

I'm a stickler for detail, all right?

All right, fine, here.

Okay, so this is you, right?

And this your life, and it's clear to me

that your journey line

has a pattern.

All right, so every relationship

in your life has an endgame.

So a society marriage

with Wes,

a promotion from the Rainmaker,

uh, being Marty's go-to gal.

Okay, and there you are right there

at the tippy-top, yeah? Little miss control freak

with, okay, yeah, amazing patty tits.

Thank you.

And the data presents a very clear result.

That if you can't control the outcome,

then Mama ain't in it to win it,

and yeah, guess what, Jeannie?

You're Mama. So come on,

one date.

One tiny little date, Mama.

CLYDE: Criswell's laying it on thick for new customers.

MARTY: Hey, they're future voters, right?

Would you like to have some pie?

Welcome.

Oh, man.

This pie is so delicious.

I'm trying not to eat it too fast, take my time with it.

Be careful.

Mr. Oberholt, do you know how many men--

well, boys really,

most of them with massive emotional insecurities...

How about physical?

Oh, physical.

Really? Do you know how many of them have made the mistake

of trying to analogize

U.S. National's cherry pies to my vagina?

Brynn, I wasn't talking about your pie.

No? Sure? No.

I wouldn't do that; I'm not a child, okay?

Okay. Yes, I was.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I was talking about her pie.

MARTY: Hey, Brynn? Yeah?

What's the occasion?

Criswell is announcing his program

to put vegetable gardens in inner-city schools.

Aw. Isn't he dreamy?

Yeah, he sure will be

when his base does a Google search in three years

and finds this little piece of gold.

Politics isn't theater; it's performance art.

Yeah.

So your work,

how you guys doing?

We're doing good.

Uh, the financials look strong.

Compliance team's analysis is actually on point.

No fires in the financial statements

or the operating reports.

So if you're asking us how we're doing,

we're actually doing pretty great.

Yeah, I think she was asking me how we were doing.

I was, actually, asking...

Okay, only got about ten minutes.

What are those?

Zucchini. I'm gonna hand them out to the kids.

No, that's not a good idea.

Talking points, community, healthy living,

and USNB's significant investment

in the city's Farm to Table initiative.

Okay, direct your attention to the kids.

It's a simple grip and grin.

I know how to talk to my customers, No.

Ms. Reed.

Hey, everyone, I'm Mr. Criswell

from U.S. National Bank.

Whoop, there it is.

Huh?

Did he just...

Raise his zucchini in the air?

Like he just don't care.

Look at all you Michelle Obamas working in the field.

MAN: What'd he say?

The señor, the yellow. Me gusta.

MAN: What the hell? WOMAN: No, he did not.

Somebody catch.

Look at that, boom.

It's in the genes, huh?

"It's in the genes." Oh...

(low chatter)

Blind date?

(chuckles)

Am I that obvious?

It's on me.

Good luck. Thank you.

Jeannie?

Hi. Cameron the kung fu lover?

(chuckles)

Jeannie Van Der Hooven.

I just had a shot of tequila.

Oh, well, then I need a shot, too.

You look, uh, you look great.

Thanks.

So do you.

You got to check out the Gaslamp District.

But I feel like that's too bar scene-y.

Mm-hmm, there's that, there is,

but, uh, the architecture.

I love the architecture and the galleries.

There's amazing art there.

Oh, God, when I was ten, I wanted to be an artist so bad.

Yeah? I started wearing a beret.

I got very emo.

Oh, wow.

You know what? Hey, um, excuse me.

Could you, um, could you grab us another round?

Certainly. Slow your roll, kung fu Cam.

Hope I'm not gonna need to know

kung fu tonight.

No, no, no, you're, uh...

You're-you're fine.

I'm just, uh, I'm having a good time.

So tell me more

about Cameron the kung fu lover?

Mm-hmm, well, um,

as you keep reminding me, I love kung fu.

Mm-hmm. There's that.

Uh, I'm a...

a kindergarten teacher at a Montessori school.

Oh.

Uh, I sing a pretty sweet cover

of all that is Bon Jovi in the shower.

And, uh,

I'm a big brother to a kid named Frederick Douglass, no lie.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

You know, you are not, um,

at all what I expected.

Oh, wow, what did you, uh, expect?

I... No, no, no.

Come on, you can tell me now.

Tell me, tell me.

Well, considering how we met...

Mm-hmm.

Um...

A socially awkward man-child with absolutely no game.

Hmm.

So, uh, all right, so you think I've got game then.

Yeah, but the question

is what's wrong with you?

What do you mean?

Like, in the real dating world?

Well, what's the real dating world?

The one where girls like me live.

Uh...

(chuckles)

You're joking, right?

No, my delivery was off,

but I... no, I'm being serious.

Well, I, uh,

actually, I don't do so badly in the real dating world.

Huh. Then why troll the Internet for desperate vag then?

(clears throat)

I mean, not mine. I'm not... I'm...

here on a dare from my friend.

(chuckles)

Lucky me. Wow.

Um...

I joined the site because I'm busy, you know?

Kicking it with poor little Frederick Doug?

(snickers)

Uh, wow. Um, you know,

how do you do in the real dating world, hmm?

Cameron, I fare pretty well.

I was engaged.

Was, but then I kinda,

I cheated on my frat boy fiancé

for my creepy Mr. Burns boss.

But that's for another night.

Yeah. Oh, God, did that just sound

like I wanted to see you again?

No, no, that's, that's not gonna happen.

No, I know that...

I'm just actually gonna...

pay my part of the bill at the bar,

okay?

Good luck in the real world.

(knocks)

Hey.

Hey.

You wanted to see me?

You alone?

Oh, Clyde? Look, he's a dickhead, but he's harmless.

He reminds me of my last boyfriend;

a driven, oversexed

22-year-old White House staffer

who actually was running the country

hopped up on frappuccinos, porn and hope.

That's a weird diet.

Anyway, I just wanted to hang out with you.

We speak the same language. We do?

Yeah. Politics, corporate bullshit.

It's all the same game

of impression management.

Yeah, yeah.

Trying to give the best performance of yourself

to endear yourself to whoever has

the keys to the castle.

Like you. You got those keys to the Criswell castle.

I do?

I think you do.

Yeah, I do.

Then we should talk.

Mm-hmm.

What's your, what's your play?

Oh, you want to know my moves?

Yeah. Depends.

Um... sincerity.

Mm, sincerity.

People get drunk on sincerity.

Yes, they do. You know what

drunk people do, right? What?

They write big ol' checks

with lots and lots of little bitty zeroes.

Sincerity is like, it's like, a desert mirage.

You could be utterly sincere and completely insincere.

No one can tell.

That's what I love about the shit.

Me, too. (chuckles)

To sincerity! Yes!

The empty notion that started religious reformation.

And gave us guilty liberal hipsters

who wear trucker hats and guzzle down

Pabst Blue Ribbon in gallons.

What's the quote?

"It's dangerous to be sincere..."

BOTH: "Unless you are also stupid."

(both chuckle)

Shaw. Yeah.

Ain't it the truth? Mm.

(chuckles)

(both moaning)

Know what else is true?

What?

That U.S. National Bank

and Criswell would really benefit

from a long-term relationship with Galweather.

(both chuckle)

I have to say it.

Always closing the deal, Mr. Kaan.

As far as I'm concerned, you and Galweather are in.

I'd shake your hand right not, but...

It's busy. It's a little busy.

To think that your boss tried to talk me out of hiring you.

Uh, my boss what?

Yeah, Julianne.

I think it was Julianne. (chuckles)

When I tried to hire you. Yeah?

Hmm, really? Yeah.

What did ol' Julianne have to say?

She said that you were a real Galweather gem,

bullshit, bullshit, bullshit,

and she wanted me to know that

there were other partners with more expertise

in handling such high profile banking institutions

should I choose to rethink my choice.

Uh-huh.

I told her that U.S. National wanted Marty Kaan.

Period.

Still do.

You pissed?

What the fuck do you think?

Good. (moans)

Is that zucchini in your pants?

Shut up.

(gasps)

Open up, Guggenheim!

Hey, Jeannie.

Hi. Whoops.

(chuckles) Can we talk about

whatever this is in the morning?

It's kind of late. No.

Pretty please? (chuckles) It's just...

Doug, do you have Fug in there?

Fug? No. Sarah? No, of course not.

I'm just... It's really late.

I want to meet the ogress.

Shh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I want to meet her.

Doug, please. What?!

What? Ogresses or ogri? What is it? Whatever.

Anyways, they have very tiny ears.

Did you not see Shrek?

Mm-hmm. I did, too,

on pay-per-view, after my really shitty date tonight.

Hey, but you did it That's great, kiddo. Good for you.

Hey, listen, Jeannie, Sarah and I have, um,

we've kind of really hit it off.

Doug! Yeah?

She sounds fat. (gasps)

Wait! No, no, no, no.

That's your match?

My match sucked balls.

Oh, yeah? So did mine.

(TV playing indistinctly)

MALCOLM: Hey, yo, what up?

Lakers are pulling it out in the fourth.

How was San Diego?

Chicago. Last-minute change.

Chi-town! I love Chicago.

We were there last month

picketing a chain of bowling alleys.

Fine women in that city.

Some pizza in the kitchen.

I cracked open your Scotch.

It's the good shit, bro.

Damn, I want to be you when I grow up.

Yeah? When do you think that's gonna be?

(turns off TV) Squirrel, what the fuck?!

(chuckles)

What do you want, man?

Why are you here?

Plasma, 30-year-old Scotch,

Amy's gluten free pizza, Roscoe's empty bedroom.

Oh, let me ask you something.

Are you sure that you're okay with him living with Monica?

I mean, she fine, but cuckoo crazy.

I'm not gonna talk to you about my son, okay?

I just want to ask you one more time

why you're here and what you want?

Because you don't ever come around

unless you want something.

Really? That's the way you see it?

That's how it is.

So just tell me what you want and then you can keep it moving.

To see my family, all right?

We never talked about Dad's illness.

Oh, you goddamn right about that, we never did.

Nigga, what's your problem with me?

You're a fucking phony, Malcolm.

And you're a fucking sellout, Martin,

but we're still brothers, and Dad

still needs us to be a family. Okay, hold it.

You don't, you don't give a shit about Dad.

I'm not falling for all that,

"I'm just like you, Pops" bullshit

that you been running on him for years,

getting all your bills paid.

You want to talk about Dad? Are you serious?

You're a day late

and a whole lot of dollars short, little brother.

Dad was in a pretty bad car accident two weeks ago.

The doctors think his bradykinesia is advancing quickly.

He's considering doing some deep brain stimulation,

but he's scared.

So he asked me to come home.

What?

All that caring for Dad...

he didn't even tell you.

(scoffs)

Use a coaster, motherfucker.

* Something in me feels like causing so much mischief *

* Repercussions could kill, it's my consequences *

* Don't come near me

* One touch, your life, man, I will end it *

* Then go back in time, take care of your descendants *

* Why, why, why, I like to see the pain *

* I love when other people cry, cry, cry *

* You want to fight, but you can't *

* So don't try, try, try, try

* I hear death coming, move if you wanna die. *

Meow.