Original subtitles

'Kay guys,

this outta get you up to speed.

A champion spell!

Oh!

I know of only one magician who can command that spell.

The day may come when I need your help

as badly as you needed mine.

And you shall have it.

My first experience with love.

Real love is a different thing all together.

It is?

You'll know it.

Any moment now.

You are certain?

Beyond a doubt.

The miracle magnolias bloom in this forest

six days, six hours and six minutes

after the sixth rain of the sixth new moon.

But how many?

Six.

Six?

In all the woods?

Yes.

Oh.

Oh!

It's time.

Look sharp.

They only bloom for six hours.

Six hours.

Mmm.

But we can't possibly search this entire wood in six hours.

Did you come to help or spout negativity?

Dear me.

What's amiss?

A soldier.

Sweet heaven.

Made of stone.

Where are the others?

Others?

Legions of them, just like this one.

Here!

Look!

Another!

Baldric.

They're still here.

You've seen these soldiers before?

During the siege.

We were attacked from all sides

by all kinds of foe.

And you turned them to stone?

No, they were already stone.

And they were alive.

Alive?

Yes.

An army made of stone.

Who was their commander?

I don't know.

I had no choice but to cast the champion spell

to put all the woods to sleep.

I know, I know, stone soldiers.

It sounds impossible.

Not impossible.

I know of a spell that can bring stone to life,

a liven spell but in all my days

I've never heard of a witch actually using it.

Why not?

Because a liven spell costs the life of a witch.

She must be close by.

Who?

The witch.

Which witch?

Follow close.

Oh.

Uchh.

What is this place?

A witch's lair.

But where is the witch?

Found her.

Ew.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta, and she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies, and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Ah!

Instead...

they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

Oh.

Good morning, Baldric.

Gone on a quest.

Hm.

To Baldric.

Royal Court Magician.

Hey, Mr. Hammond.

Mr. Hammond: Hey Dwight, how can I help ya?

Well, I'm on

the Teacher Appreciation Brunch Committee.

Mr. Hammond: But of course you are.

And I'm about to put the food order in.

So, where's your girlfriend?

My what?

Gretta, she wasn't in class today.

Uh.

Well, she's, she's not uh,

I mean, you know, we're,

I, I think she just overslept this morning.

And she's not my girlfriend.

I mean, we're just, we're,

we're, it's just, we're just,

we're, it's kinda complicated.

It always is, Dwight.

Put me down for a cinnamon French toast

and a yogurt berry parfait.

Huh.

Mr. Hammond: And tell your not-girlfriend

we have a quiz on Thursday.

Not much left of her.

Just ash.

Any idea who she was?

She was from the Daugava coven.

Your coven.

No time for delay.

Open this instant or all is lost.

Hmm.

Oop.

It doesn't make any sense Baldric.

Why would a witch sacrifice herself

to bring an army of stone soldiers to life?

To lay siege to our castle.

To overthrow Princess Gretta.

But what's in it for her?

Well, she, I,

.

We'll have to ask her.

Who?

The witch!

How?

Follow me.

This is a Daugava pendant.

It holds a piece of the owner's soul.

If we're lucky she'll feel like talking.

Oh, let me ask the questions, Baldric.

Dead witches are famously irritable.

So are some live ones.

Excuse me?

Continue.

You ready?

We'll only have a minute or two.

A thousand pardons.

Oh. Good morrow, Highness.

Baldric, the house!

It's at sea.

Pardon?

Hello?

I'm in an expanse of water.

I heartily agree, Your Highness,

pants are hotter,

which is why I prefer this airy robe.

Let us continue this discussion when I get home.

Baldric!

Do carry on.

Oh, thank you.

Siri, send a message by text to Baldric.

Text Baldric.

At once.

Tell him I am afloat.

On the SEA!!

Oh. Do forgive me.

It's Her Highness.

Oh.

Tell, Himey flow Tennessee.

Who is Himey?

A mystery.

For another time, don't you think?

Ah, yes, of course.

Pray continue.

Ahh!

Bless you.

Uchh.

Dusty.

Hexela!

Yetza.

You look amazing, Hexie.

Your hair, is that a spell or a potion?

Extensions.

Listen Yetza, we haven't much time.

Who's the dream muffin?

Eyes over here, Yetza.

We have to talk, love.

Where is the rest of my body?

You're dead, darling.

Uchh.

Just a floating head, I'm afraid,

and not even that in another minute.

What happened?

I'd hoped you could tell me.

You cast a liven spell and attacked our castle

with a stone army.

Why would I do that?

Uh?

Contrary to appearances, I don't wish to be dead.

Why would I cast a spell I know would kill me?

You didn't cast the spell?

Who did then?

Speak up, madame!

What's the last thing you remember?

I was in the woods on the way to the Witch's Inn

and then--

Hexela, I met someone.

An old friend of ours.

Who?

She tied me to a stake.

Who?

She used me in her spell.

Who?

Oh, when I get my hands on that little...

No!

NO!

No, no!

Oh.

Hey guys!

Ah, champion boy.

And where is your princess?

I don't know what you're talking about,

she's not my princess,

we're just really good friends, and I,

this is the food order

for the Teacher Appreciation Brunch.

Ah, I take this to my ogre in the kitchen.

It will be the most glorious of brunches.

Ha!

You're the best!

You still won't go inside?

Where's Gretta?

How would I know?

We're just friends.

We hang out.

We do stuff together.

I don't know why everyone's trying to make it

into such a big thing.

I see.

What?

No! No, you don't.

You don't see, because there is nothing to see,

whatever you think you're seeing it's not there.

You forget, Sir Dwight.

That I am an expert in matters of love.

Ah man.

Is it she?

Quit it!

How long do you think

you can keep your feelings from her?

Dude, chill!

Dwight!

Hey... Gretta.

Can you hear me?

Sir Dwight!

Help!

Uh.

Gretta, can you hear me?

Now is your moment to pledge your troth.

Ew.

Uh, Gretta, can you, uh,

sorry, can you say that again?

I have gone to sea!

Gone to see what?

Gretta, can you say that again?

Sorry, I didn't, I didn't quite get it.

Gretta, can you...

Ah--

Weird.

What's amiss?

Eh, just a bad connection.

Well, what do you intend to do about it?

Get a signal booster out here?

I am stranded on the ocean within my house.

Send.

A text from your lady love.

Who's Homie?

Oh, curse you, autocorrector!

Not sure how to respond to that.

Uh.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

What fair lady?

There's no fair lady.

Princess Gretta.

Ah.

Wow, really dude?

So I suspected.

What?

No, you didn't.

Eh, si.

You did?

Mm-hm.

'Tis plain, Sir Dwight,

you are enamored of the princess.

That's, that's just overstating it.

I think, in my opinion.

Just big overstatement.

If you love her, you must tell her.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That way is catastrophe.

You must hide your true desires behind a mask of cool contempt.

The lady will want what she thinks she cannot have.

Eh?

Poppycock!

Lay bare your bosom!

Please, don't say bosom.

Overwhelm her with displays of your love.

Certamente, no!

Entice her with your disdain.

You must tell her at once!

You do nothing!

And let Homie win the princess's affections?

Homie?

You pretend you care not at all.

Okay, both of you stop.

Gretta is the best friend I've ever had in my life,

and no matter what I want or how I feel,

I'm not going to do anything that could change that.

Jacopo and Chlodwig:

Where are you going?

I must summon a tribunal.

I did not know you could whistle.

Sh.

We'll see who answers.

Hexela, darling.

What's amiss, my love?

Vika, Dyrena, thank you for coming.

Where's the emergency?

A witch is dead.

One of our own coven.

Who?

Yetza.

Oh no, what happened?

I suspect foul play.

Another witch.

This matter requires a tribunal.

Hey Gretta.

Dwight!

Dwight, can you hear me?

Gretta?

Uh, Gretta, you're cuttin' out.

I'm almost to your house.

Dwight!

Dwight?

Don't go!

Don't leave me!

Uh.

As sisters of the Daugava coven

we join hands to form a tribunal.

If a wrong has been done we will find it and avenge it.

May truth prevail, may justice reign.

Hexela.

You are called to investigate this case

and bring back what you find to the tribunal.

I go at once.

Uh, uh, at once?

But, but Hexie.

When will you be back?

When I find the witch who killed Yetza.

May truth prevail.

May justice reign.

'Kay.

Yes, what is it, Sir Dwight?

Your house is gone.

Pardon?

It's, it's gone.

All of it.

Even the plumbing.

Baldric, where's Gretta?

Siri, take my final words to Dwight.

Texting Dwight.

Yes, please.

Tell him, tell him,

you are the finest man, the worthiest knight,

and the noblest heart I have ever known.

I bless the day that fate brought you to me.

You are my truest friend.

What's that?

Ha!

Those pranksters!

Who? What?

Oh, what a silly bunch of jesters.

What are you talking about?

Where's Gretta?

Where is your house?

Help me find the lid, it has to be here somewhere,

Ha!

I do enjoy a good joke.

Oh! There it is!

Found it!

Ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Wait, wait, wait.

Joke!?

Ah.

From my brother magicians in the guild.

Just a bit of harmless fun.

If I am never able to see you again,

I must tell you that, I, I

Dwight!

Send to Dwight.

No! No, no, no.

Delete message.

Destroy message forever and all eternity.

Are you okay?

I, I was floating on a billowing sea.

I, and I, tried to beckon you.

Yeah, yeah, I couldn't hear.

I, I tried to message you by text,

but I was foiled by the, the au, au...

Autocorrect.

Autocorrector.

I will show them a thing or two about comedy.

Ha, ha, ha!

The gauntlet is down!

You know what we need?

A bat signal.

A simple, straightforward way to say,

come quick, I'm in trouble.

Like in Batman.

Batman?

I'll think of something.

A bat signal, like uh,

Ah, ha!

Like this one.

Ah, that's kinda literal.

When I said bat signal.

Bat signal,

a simple and straight forward way

for a princess to say to her champion,

come at once, I am in peril.

Yeah, but when I said bat signal.

Bat.

It's a bat.

Bat signal.

It's perfect, Gretta.

Shall we test it?

Yes, yes, we shall.

I'll find some trouble.

You just wait for my, my bat, bat signal.

Bat signal.

Wait, what?

Here, Sir Dwight.

Reach in this sack.

And, and let's see what happens.

I don't think I will.

But, but...

Anything amiss?

No, just champion stuff.

Nothing I can't handle.

Oh, but...

What a mess.