Original subtitles

I'll be right with you, my darlings.

Ten more minutes.

Ah, well done.

Now take the thimble out from under your tongue

and stick it in your ear.

♪ Keep that fish swinging.

No green food until sundown tomorrow.

Next in line!

Oh, you must be here because of your cheek bones.

There is hope, my dear.

Excuse me.

Oh! There you are!

Coming through.

Baldric!

Uh.

Would you kindly join me for a brief conference?

Oh, yeah.

I'll be right back.

What is the emergency?

The YouTube has made me a sensation.

There's a line out my door stretching two furlongs.

Oh, most unfortunate.

I am drowning in my own success, Baldric.

Oh.

I need your help.

Just for this week until I find a permanent solution.

Madame,

I should be honored to assist you.

You're a dream come true, Baldric.

Or rather you will be in mm, mm, mm, mm.

Four minutes time.

Pardon?

This salon is my baby.

Yes.

And you are about to become the face of it, Baldric.

The beautiful face of my beautiful baby.

Are you ready?

Uh.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ahhh.

they got me.

Ahhh!

Ow!

The function of the spleen.

To contain dark bile and chase away dark thoughts

that incline to melancholy.

Uh, no.

Hm.

Good day.

Uh, this is Lotions and Potions.

It's a client.

Uh, how may I help you become more enchanting?

Baldric?

Oh!

Yes, princess, 'tis I.

It's Thursday night, did you get the kidney pie?

Is this a work-related call?

Uh, uh -huh.

I shan't make it for dinner.

I am needed on more urgent business tonight.

More urgent than kidney pie night?

I fear so.

I am assisting Hexela in beautifying her... hags.

Who told you to stop swinging?

Swing, madame!

Swing!

Now place this bacon on your offending cheekbones.

Ah, good, good, yes,

until tonight Highness, I take my leave of you.

Ah, yes.

Next hag, in the chair.

Well, don't just stand there getting uglier,

sit!

Baldric?

What's the matter?

Baldric is not bringing home

a kidney pie tonight.

Hey, it's okay.

You know, life happens and you just gotta roll with it.

We can figure out our own dinner tonight.

Quite so, Sir Dwight.

To the Swine and Slosh Tavern!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no we have a quiz tomorrow.

We need to find ourselves a kidney pie,

since Baldric has more important matters

he must attend to on this night.

I do too actually.

Come along.

Oo, uh.

Good day, Hellibad.

Our usual Thursday night kidney pie if you please.

We lost our cook this morning.

Lost him?

Like to another restaurant?

To the plague.

Dropped dead at the stove.

Oh, good gracious.

But we found a replacement.

Got the kitchen up and running again

in just three hours.

After a guy died from the plague in there?

But can he make a kidney pie?

With the plague in it?

He'll tell you himself.

Well hello my good lady, my good sir.

How may I tempt you on this fine day.

We'd like a kidney pie.

She'd like a kidney pie.

Oh.

Wouldn't you know I just sold the last one.

Well, uh, no matter.

It's just that, uh,

a kidney pie was a special thing we like to share

on Thursday nights.

Oh, you and this fine young sir?

Uh, no.

No.

I'm not a kidney guy.

Baldric and I, but he's busy tonight,

attending to important matters.

You're feeling a bit forgotten today, are you?

Just a itsy bit abandoned?

I have just the thing for you, little lady.

A treacle tart.

No charge.

And I hope it makes you feel all better.

One for you, young sir?

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

I'm trying not to eat stuff with the plague in it.

This is amazing.

Mm.

What else have you got?

Whatever your sweet heart pleases.

Cakes and pies,

tarts and biscuits and custards.

I bake them all myself with special ingredients

that search inside you for woe or strife

and replace it with sunshine and joy.

Which is not how food works.

How 'bout I make up a little basket?

Yes, please, kind sir.

Name's Hansel the baker.

Well met, Hansel the baker.

I am Princess Gretta the Besieged.

Your Highness!

I am honored from the top of my crown

to the tip of my toes.

Never has a royal person graced my humble table.

How 'bout I make you a nice big basket?

Eh, Your High and Mightiness?

Gretta,

I think you may be eating your feelings.

Hm?

You know, uh, eating to satisfy emotional needs.

Oh!

Yes.

Mm-hm.

Which is, let me clarify,

not a good thing.

If you're upset about something,

there are healthier ways of coping.

I am not upset, Sir Dwight.

This tart and this custard and this cookie,

oo, and this cake

they made everything better.

But whatever triggered this uh, emotional binge

is still there and still unresolved.

Baldric, that's a new look for ya.

Cream puff?

Or rather half a cream puff?

Uh, thank you, no, Your Highness.

Uh, I must be light on my feet tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

I continue my assisting duties

at Hexela's Lotions and Potions.

You do?

For the rest of the week.

The rest of the week?

Gretta, this is what we call a trigger.

Cream puff.

Is anything amiss, princess?

Not a thing.

Oh.

I am surrounded by my real friends

who love me and whom I love.

Aw.

I can't watch this.

Good night.

Good luck in biology tomorrow.

And remember you are to sleep with a spider

under your bed tonight or all of our hard work will be undone.

And then don't you come crawling back to us.

Oh, your satisfaction is our guarantee.

Do drop in anytime, always lovely, mwa,

to see you, mwa.

Sweet heaven!

What are we supposed to do about this?

Cake, cake, cake, cake.

Hey Hellibad, have you seen Gretta?

She didn't show up at school today.

Sorry, 'scuse me.

Sir Dwight!

Sticky bun?

No, thank you.

Mm, I'll eat it.

No!

She won't.

Have you been here all day?

Mm-hm.

And look what just came out of the oven.

Mmm.

Dude, are you trying to put her in a coma?

Come on, Gretta.

Let's go.

Come.

Let me make you up a little basket for the road.

Yes!

No!

But I'm going to want a gooseberry pie for later.

I already promised it to myself.

Tough!

You're out of control and I'm not gonna enable you.

Ah!

Uh.

One more cupcake!

Lotions and Potions.

How may I make you less heinous?

We've got a mini-crisis here, Baldric.

Oh, uh.

Oo.

Oh.

Is the princess facing imminent danger?

Well maybe not imminent danger,

but she's making a lot of self-destructive diet choices

that will definitely catch up with her.

Sir Dwight,

please educate yourself to the difference

between imminent danger and vague anxiety.

And do not call me at work!

'Kay.

All right.

Mm.

After the carbs comes the crash.

Uh, I feel ill.

Consequences.

I'm just sayin'.

Where's Baldric?

He's still at work.

But I brought some stuff to make you some real food.

Oo.

Kale, cauliflower, and cabbage soup.

Blechh.

Because your body is dying for vegetables.

And the soup is like a real cleanse

for the intestines.

I look forward to it, Sir Dwight.

You set to work on your intestine soup.

Not intestine soup.

And I'll lie here for just a bit longer.

Good,

you're gonna love it once you embrace the texture.

Mm.

Okay, Gretta.

Dinner's ready.

Gretta?

Come on!

Up and at 'em!

Hey, Hellibad.

Is Gretta here?

She was a while ago.

That girl could eat.

What about that Hansel guy?

Well, he went below to do tomorrow's baking.

Copy that.

Maybe he knows where she is.

Hello!

Hansel!

Essence of overconfidence.

Extract of giddiness.

Fattening flakes.

Ground gullibility?

What ho, Sir Dwight?

What the?

Gretta, are you, are you in a pot?

A hot tub.

Is that gravy?

Mm-hm.

It's so nice and warm.

Oo, do you want a cinnamon roll?

Gretta,

I hate to jump to the obvious conclusion here,

but it looks to me like you're marinating in gravy

in a great big soup pot.

That's silly.

Every one of you guys is a freak show!

Come on, Gretta.

Gotta go, right now.

We're going.

But Hansel the baker is going to come right back

and make me a mincemeat pie.

Ah, let me guess,

with gravy and potatoes and carrots.

Yes.

He told me to stay right here

in this warm carrot, potato hot tub

and eat this sweet roll filled with--

Ground gullibility?

Frosting.

Lotions and Potions.

How may I get you to go away?

Pst!

Imminent danger!

Right now!

It's happening!

I'll be the judge of your imminent danger,

Sir Dwight.

Gretta's in a big pot in a kitchen of horrors

with a psycho baker

that is going to make her into a pie!

Hurry!

We're in the Swine and Slosh basement.

On my way!

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, oh, where are you going?

Out of my way!

Ah.

Thank heaven.

He was killing my Yelp score.

Hansel the baker is going to make me a mincemeat pie

that will be the rarest delicacy that has ever graced his table.

Ooo.

Cookies!

Get down!

Hansel the baker?

Mm-hm.

But why?

I'm your best customer!

Would you rather be a lattice top pie,

or a crumb top?

Whatever.

You choose.

Essence of apathy.

It does come in handy.

So, I guess we die now or what?

Meh.

Right?

Let's make some pie!

Ahhhh!

Hansel and Baldric: Ahhhh!

Is that Baldric?

Mm-hm.

Run, Highness!

Nah.

Save yourselves!

We're good here.

Baldric and Hansel:

What is so funny?

Chuckle Chaff.

Hansel and Baldric:

Dwight and Gretta:

Baldric!

That is the only exit.

Why is that funny?

Do you know what I could charge

for a slice of princess pie?

Huh?

I've never had a royal person grace my table.

Cover me.

What?

Hey! Hansel, old buddy.

So, uh, we're totally on board for mince-princess pie night.

What?!

Sir Dwight, what are you doing?

Whoa.

Oh.

But hear me out here,

everyone knows that you can't have pie

without ice cream.

It's true.

It's true.

It is a well-known fact.

So, how 'bout you stay here.

Keep going on all the prep work,

and we'll go make an ice cream run.

We'll get a variety of flavors and you can tell us

what goes good with minced princess pie.

Hazelnut.

Done!

Hey, don't start without us.

We'll be right back, okay?

Hey, you got spoons and bowls?

Oh, why don't you go get the oven pre-heated?

Salted caramel.

Mm, mm.

Coming right up.

Hooray, hurrah.

Wahoo!

Go, go, go, go.

There is a cannibal in your cellar, sir.

Oh, Baldric.

You're early.

I came to tell you that I am sorry, madame.

I do, of course, wish to be of assistance to you,

but I am needed at home.

Baldric, you are a darling,

and a gem,

and the worst witch's assistant in the history of witches,

or assistants.

Well.

It's true.

Hm.

Ah, but not to worry.

I found a solution to my problem.

A revolutionary idea.

I can't believe I didn't think of it centuries ago.

I saw it on the YouTube.

Ah.

♪ Hey nonny, nonny.

Ah! Highness!

It is Thursday night!

I thank you, Baldric,

but though I do enjoy a good kidney pie,

I am making a greater effort not to eat my feelings.

Good for you.

To that end, Highness,

I have hit upon a new Thursday night tradition.

Ah.

Tater Tot night.

Uh.

They are made from potatoes.

Which are vegetables!

More like straight starch and trans fats.

Like a cleanse for your intestines.

Ah.

Gretta/Baldric: Oh.

Uh. Mm.