Original subtitles

We need more body parts in here, people!

Come on, let's move, let's move, let's move!

Ahh!

Hello?

Help!

Anything amiss?

Gretta?

That lid is super sticky.

Hm.

Hey Zeke!

Woooo.

Look alive, people.

Doors open in 11 minutes.

Oh, love the costume, Gretta.

I am a Somu warrior.

Ah, Sumo wrestler.

What is your disguise?

Zombie surfer.

Hey guys, we're not gonna have

a vampire jumpscare out of this coffin

unless I get some WD-40 in here STAT.

On it.

Thanks, man.

What, pray, is a zombie surfer?

A surfer is somebody who rides waves in the ocean

and a zombie is a dead body come back to life...

which is not a real thing.

Obviously.

Rides waves in the ocean,

Ah, Highness.

The bastion torches are in place.

Oh, tiki torches go to Juliet,

she's in charge of the voodoo temple.

Not tiki torches, Sir Dwight.

Bastion torches.

Where did you secure them?

At the entrance, Highness.

Well, you just can't go putting torches

wherever you want,

the voodoo temple is in the west corner of the gym.

But it's All Hallow's Eve.

The bastion torches must burn from sundown to sunrise,

else the unsettled dead will rise from their graves.

To settle old scores.

Mm.

You mean, actually burn?

You mean,

you put actual burning torches in front of the school?

To keep us perfectly safe.

You are welcome.

Well, the fire marshal's gonna be all over us.

Better the marshal of fires than legions of unsettled dead.

Here you go.

All right, you good here?

Gotta get over to the graveyard.

Yeah, I got this.

All right, cool.

Uh, show time in nine minutes.

Positions everybody!

This is so exciting.

I've never enjoyed such a festive All Hallow's Eve.

Most years we spend it hiding under our beds

waiting for the sun to rise.

Well, we can all celebrate Halloween

in our own way.

Yes.

All right.

Ha!

How do I look?

Most convincing.

Baldric/Gretta: Oooo.

Terrifying.

Oooh.

Well, I'll just get into position here.

You guys get in line with everybody else

and remember, no spoilers.

Oh!

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta,

and she was in big trouble,

'cause she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So, her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy, never showed up,

instead...

Ahhh!

They got me.

Ahh!

Ow!

Burning brightly and just in time.

We have nothing to fear this year.

Help!

Hello?

Help!

Oo.

Oh.

Huh!

Gretta/ Baldric:

Oo, oo, oo.

Gretta!

Gretta/ Baldric:

Baldric!

Gretta!

That was a freakin' nightmare!

I remember the first time I was trapped in a coffin.

The first time?

Count yourself lucky

there wasn't a corpse in there with you.

Ew.

Ah, don't let it spoil the festivities,

Sir Dwight.

Why did we never make a holiday of All Hallow's Eve?

Hm.

Instead of lighting our bastion torches

and cowering under our beds?

Oh, have you seen the voodoo temple?

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Most amusing.

Or the haunted boneyard? Rawr.

Delightful.

I never thought I'd say it,

but I love All Hallow's Eve.

Shall we make our way to the bake sale of horrors?

Indeed we shall

and buy cookies in the shape of human fingers.

We'll make merry until sun up.

Except we close at 10.

Knowing our bastion torches

burn brightly.

Fireman 1: Numbskull kids.

Ha.

Ah floof.

Trick or treat!

Zombie Walk!

Woo!

Zombie Wa-a-alk!

Are those zombies?

Oh, sweetie, give those zombies some candy.

Isn't that so fun?

Whoa!

I seek the heir of the house of Moondragon.

You are awesome.

The ruler of Rogemore.

Hey guys, come check this out!

Sick!

Right?

How'd you do the blood?

Hey Derrick!

You gotta come see this guy!

Mr. Hammond: Hey there, Mr. Baldric.

Nice costume.

Ah, hm.

I am a luchador.

A mighty warrior from the south.

Love that.

What can I get ya?

Spider cupcake?

Yep.

Mr. Hammond: Or a pirate guts hot dog?

Yes.

Ye--

Well met, Brother Magician.

Hey, Happy Halloween.

Yes, I, too am a magician,

but in disguise.

Nice.

Did you bring bastion torches of your own?

Ours are already in place at the main gate.

Baldric, Mr. Hammond,

eyeballs!

There are eyeballs in my drink.

Eyeballs indeed.

How disturbing.

And so good friends,

the last thing I remember was Brunella the Blighter

ramming this stick into my heart.

Putting an abrupt and unpleasant end

to what had been a very nice rampage of bloodsucking.

Hang on Vaseeli.

If she rammed a stake through your heart,

shouldn't you be dead?

Oh yes, dead as a mutton in a butcher shop.

So, if you're dead.

As a rat cut in half!

Then how are you sitting here?

Come on, Vaseeli.

You gotta keep your own rules.

It is All Hallow's Eve, Jake.

The one night a year,

when the unsettled dead may roam.

So you are dead.

As a head on a pike.

But unsettled.

Deeply unsettled.

And so, I must be on my way.

No, no, no, Vaseeli, come on.

We're about to play Texas Hold'em.

Yeah.

You are a most generous group of bloodsnacks.

If I weren't saving my appetite.

I would gladly feast upon you all.

Brunella the Blighter is gone.

But not her bloodline.

The house of Moondragon has an heir.

So where you headed?

To settle a score.

Hey, well,

come on back if you get bored with that.

That guy was awesome.

Hey, maybe we can have him back next year.

Yeah.

Santa Claus: Whoa.

Look, Sir Dwight.

Eyeballs!

Would you like a human finger cookie?

Shh,

I gotta stay in character.

Oh, should I close you in?

No!

No, no, no.

Open is good.

Oh.

I don't do closed coffins any more.

Hm, very wise.

Mr. Hammond: Everything okay in the vampire crypt?

Mr. Hammond, hey.

Hail Caesar.

Uh, yeah.

What's wrong?

The fire marshal,

he was this close to shutting us down.

What?

Mr. Hammond: I talked him out of it,

but only because we're giving our proceeds

to the music program

and his daughter is first chair trumpet.

Let me guess,

a couple of numbskulls lit a couple of torches

outside the school.

Well.

Hm? Numbskulls?

The culprits haven't been identified,

but yeah.

Let's assume, numbskulls.

Coulda set the school on fire.

Mr. Hammond: Well, the torches are out now

and we got off with a warning.

What?

Really just a slap on the wrist.

The torches are out.

How long have they been out?

Uh... about an hour.

We are undone!

I have more fire twigs, Highness.

Quickly!

No!

No, no, no, no.

Torches are out and they are staying out.

Give me those matches!

Uh.

Guys!

If you light that match, I am pulling that fire alarm.

Sir Dwight,

the bastion torches are the only thing keeping

the unsettled dead in their graves this night.

Listen,

I appreciate your cultural traditions,

you have a different way of observing Halloween,

and I respect that

but you are taking this unsettled dead thing

way too far.

It's all fun and games

until you set the school on fire.

Wow, who put together the zombie walk?

Those aren't zombies, Sir Dwight.

What are zombies?

Corpses that have been brought back to life.

Except zombies are not real.

Right.

Then those are definitely not zombies.

Right, again.

They are draugar.

What are draugar?

Corpses that have come back to life.

So, like zombies.

We-mm.

Except draugar are real.

Guys, it's just a...

bunch of dudes in...

cosplay outfits, and--

and costume shop makeup.

Really good costume shop makeup.

We must draw them away from the peasants.

Run!

Uh, uh.

Various people: Is that the fire alarm?

Come on everybody!

Flee while you can, you simpletons!

Run for your lives.

Mr. Hammond: No running.

Run, push, shove!

Mr. Hammond: No pushing.

Just exit in an orderly fashion.

Okay everyone is out.

Meet at the rally point.

Oh.

Uh.

We're trapped.

This way.

Uh!

Uh.

How do Somu warriors fight in this ridiculous armor?

Zombies!

Real zombies!

Zombies are real and those are real zombies!

They are draugar, Sir Dwight.

Those are totally zombies!

They are soldiers who died dishonorably,

doomed to roam on All Hallow's Eve.

What do they want with us?

Uh, uh!

Ah!

Hey!

No swords at school!

Sir Dwight, it is All Hallow's Eve!

The one night of all nights I need a sword!

All humans:

I just didn't think I'd go out this way.

Killed by real zombies in a fake voodoo temple.

We die with honor, Highness.

Unlike these foul fiends!

If you've a score to settle,

settle it now.

Uh.

There you are.

Heir of Rogemore.

Blood of the house of Moondragon.

Vaseeli, the vampire.

Vampire?

Well, now you're telling me there's zombies and vampires?

They roam on All Hallow's Eve.

Hence the bastion torches.

The only force that would've kept them

in their graves this night.

Freaking fire marshal.

What do you want, creature of evil?

I want to drain the blood of Brunella the Blighter.

My granny?

Down to the last savory drop.

Your grandmother was the one that drove that stake

in this vile vampire's heart.

Yes, as you see here.

Go, granny.

Alas, she is dead and gone to dust.

So, my vengeance must fall upon you.

You have your grandmother's sword.

And her blood.

Ew.

Run, Highness!

Run!

Hm.

Ah-ah.

What do we do now?

We stand our ground.

We should find a bed and hide under it until sun up.

Ahhh!

Baldric!

Ahhh!

You do so remind me of your grandmother.

She taught me well.

Uh.

Ah.

Uh.

I think this revenge is going to be sweet.

Ha!

Take that!

Oh, uh, u-u-uh.

Are you unscathed?

Yeah, no worries.

I-I'm totally unscathed.

Just traumatized.

I well recall my first encounter

with a vampire.

Oh, huh.

Your first?

And now we're back to the zombies.

What are they doing?

Captain?

Good heavens.

It is he.

Who?

The captain...

of my Royal Guard.

They fled during the siege.

Abandoning us to a certain death.

Captain, what happened to you?

Orcs.

You fled one death only to find another.

A death without honor.

So they didn't come to settle a score, they came--

to make amends.

Huh.

Nice zombies.

Hello there, hello there.

Bloodsnacks?

Shall we let bygones be bygones?

Now what say you?

Not on your life, you bloodsucker!

That should hold him.

Good job, guys.

Captain.

I thank you and your men for fulfilling your duty

and defending me from harm,

even in death you are still my Royal Guards

worthy to bear that name.

Your honor is now restored.

Go to your graves and rest there forever in peace.

All draugar:

Interiors clear, let's work the perimeter.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Hurry up.

Please.

I only get this one night out fellows.

I was supposed to play Texas Hold 'Em.

Great day, Woodchuckians.

Great day!

Johnson, Bush, outstanding leaky faucet follow-up.

Seigel, Carmichael,

Principal Schumaker state of the school address

should be ready to post by 10 p.m.

Got it?

And a special shout out to Dwight and Gretta,

their first frontpage story hit the website this morning.

We've already had 198 hits.

Police conclude it was a random act of hooliganism.

Just some Halloween fun that got out of hand.

And had nothing to do with a vampire

or battalions of the undead.

Or my granny Brunella.

Oh it's the biggest story to hit Woodside High

since the expired TruMoo in the vending machines.

Now, onto the next one, people.

Hunt, Gwaldeck, keep digging into that Pizza Friday scam.

All right, somebody's not telling me the whole truth,

and I want answers.

Answers.

What's the odor in the computer lab?

Huh?

Who wants that one?

Bring it on, guys.

Masked luchador sets burning torches

outside of Woodside High.

Anybody?

Um.