Original subtitles

'Kay guys,

this ought to get you up to speed.

Look what Sir Dwight has done.

Hm?

Uh.

He has conjured the invisible ghost

of a berserker.

Sound this whistle to call to your side

the ghost who waits upon the steps.

What steps?

Outside the Hall of the Fallen.

You can't get into the Hall of the Fallen

with all of the other berserkers?

I did something.

It doesn't matter.

It was a long time ago.

From now on, you're with us, okay?

Is your nose too big?

Your teeth too small?

Are your ears like a couple of dinner gongs

stuck to the sides of your head?

Don't despair.

There's nothing you hate about yourself

that can't be remedied

with a Hexela exclusive lotion and potion.

Cut!

Boom in the shot!

Ah.

Baldric, um, in general

the boom should never be

between the camera and the actor, right?

Ah.

Let me make a note of that.

Great.

Camera,

actor between,

never.

Boom.

Are we almost through?

Get comfortable, honey.

There are no short days in production.

True facts.

Dwight could tell you stories.

He's done three semesters of film studies.

Oh.

I was Jason in Mick's horror short

last fall.

Saturday the 14th.

Yeah, and I was also Darcy the lifeguard

in Juliet's romance this spring.

Poolside and Prejudice.

Oh, Dwight.

What kind of energy are you looking for from me?

Just super amazed and thrilled.

Really sell it.

Copy that.

Uh, Hexela, you're doing great,

just remember that the key to being successful on YouTube

is relatability.

And there's nothing more relatable

than not wanting to be hideous.

Loud and clear.

All right, everyone set?

Mmhm.

First positions.

Ready!

Baldric, you--

Thousand pardons.

Oh!

Pray, forgive me.

Shan't happen again.

'Kay.

Uh, just pick up where you left off.

And...

action.

We all know

you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Well, you can.

But wouldn't you rather make a remedy for sagging jowls?

Oh, and here it is.

Hexela's sow's ear jowl poultice.

And cut!

Hey there, Kirk.

Is that a ham?

A shank of a Hormel.

Have all you like, lady fair.

Oh!

Wow, uh, juicy.

Mm.

I'm just gonna...

You got this, honeybear?

Yeah.

Kinda in the middle of something here, Kirk.

Good!

I need a purpose.

How 'bout you keep track of this ham?

Dwight?

What?

Ah!

You wanna hold the bounce board?

Yeah.

Bounce board.

So just spin around.

Face that wall,

and now just don't move or say a word,

until I say, "Cut."

Right?

Awesome.

All right.

Finally.

And...

action.

I know what you're thinking.

So much to do here.

I beg your pardon.

Where to begin?

The lifeless hair.

The dull skin.

The eye color.

Blech.

What's wrong with my eye color?

No, we begin with the lips.

Beautiful,

beguiling,

enticing lips that will make up

for the rest of this sad, sad shipwreck.

Uh, uh.

Stay with me, Baldric.

I can't hold on.

Hexela's lustrous lip gloss.

Take the gloss, take it.

It will transform you...

into a new creature.

Uh.

Nope, nope.

Saved it.

Still rolling, still rolling.

Uh, uh.

Lip gloss on, go,

lip gloss on,

lip gloss on.

Behold.

Good gravy!

Hexela's a...

Lady fair!

Ah floof.

Princess!

Holy cow!

Holy goat!

What!

What the heck?

Those are goats!

Nana!

You thought those were cows?

Have you ever seen a cow?

They're goats!

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta

and she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies,

but that guy never showed up.

Instead,

ahhh,

they got me.

Ahhh!

Ow!

What happened?

Ah.

Here it is.

Side effects can include goatness.

What?

Oh.

GOATS!

No, no, no, nobody is going berserk!

GOATS!

KEEP IT TOGETHER!

Dwight/Kirk:

If I can reach him before he leaves for the day.

Who?

I must see the contrarian.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Right this way.

Come on, Kirk.

No goats allowed in my tavern.

Oh, these aren't really goats.

This is Her Highness, Princess Gretta the Besieged.

And this is my Nana,

and this is Hexela.

Oh, and this is Kirk.

You can't see him 'cause he's a ghost.

We have an appointment

with the contrarian.

In the back.

So, what's a contrarian?

A specialist in counterspells.

Don't let him ruffle you.

Huh?

Contrarians can be rather... trying.

Good day to you, sir!

I wouldn't say good.

The day has been passable at best.

And you must be the contrarian.

I prefer counterarian,

apparently no one cares what I prefer.

This is an emergency.

If your skin were melting off,

that would be an emergency.

We can all agree on that.

I don't like him.

He's a turd.

Hey, be nice.

Sorry, you can't see him 'cause--

A verboten curse.

You are forever barred from the Hall of the Fallen.

That's kind of a sensitive subject.

The curse may be counteracted

by saving one human life.

Next.

Oh, that's me.

I'm next.

I'm the one who made the appointment with you.

Not with me, with my assistant.

As you say.

We need your help.

No.

I do not offer help.

I offer my professional opinion.

Quite right.

We would like your professional opinion

of these animals.

Not just animals,

let's be specific and call them goats.

Goats.

Fine.

Goats they are.

Ah, there's your mistake.

These are not goats,

these creatures are humans in goat shape.

A lip gloss spell can sometimes cause goatness.

Yes!

Yes, yes.

Less than half an hour ago.

You have four hours from the onset of goatness

to permanence of goatness.

Permanence?

What, so they'll stay goats?

I didn't say that.

I said, their goatness will be permanent.

So, they'll stay goats.

Follow these instructions to the letter.

We shall with haste.

Not with haste.

With care and precision.

Come on.

I can't handle that guy.

Let's twist his head off.

No.

Ew.

But... yeah.

Ahhh.

No, Hexela, slow down.

Kirk, can I get a hand?

Kirk?

Oh.

Hey!

Hey.

Wow, that looks great.

It's from Soup and Scoop.

Yeah.

The marionberry is amazing.

Ew.

Oh, wow.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come over here, please.

Goats,

I'm talking to the goats.

Kirk, get your butt over here.

Thank you.

Thanks, buddy.

What does it say?

Walk the goats across troll bridge

bearing a bushel of stress.

Stress is measured in bushels?

Ingest one mouthful of stress.

What?

Let me see that.

Whoa, that is ridiculous.

What? Are we supposed to read this?

Contrarians pride themselves

on their illegible handwriting.

Of course they do.

Yes.

Walk the soaps.

Goats.

I do not see that.

Uh, um.

Hey!

Excuse me, you're a doctor, right?

Guy in Scrubs: I'm a dental hygienist.

Can you read this?

Guy in Scrubs: Walk the goats across troll bridge

bearing a bushel of stress.

Ha, ha!

Ha! See.

Oh wait, sorry, straw.

Ha! Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you!

Gretta!

No!

Don't eat the trash, that's gross.

We must find a bushel of straw without delay.

I'm on it.

Uh.

Yes, yes.

That way.

Come along.

Leave the pizza, princess.

That's easily a bushel, right?

Yes.

To troll bridge!

Oh.

And quickly!

All right, come along ladies.

No time for grazing.

Let's go.

So, what makes this a troll bridge?

The troll.

Heigh-ho there.

Who wants to cross my bridge?

Uuuuh.

We do.

Yessirree, good sir, that'll be one crown.

Oh, that's quite reasonable.

Oh, oh, oh, did you mean both of you?

Uh, that'll be another crown.

Two people, two crowns, that's our policy.

Fine, we are pressed for time.

Oh.

Well, crossing quickly will cost you a crown more

than crossing slowly.

What?

How does that make sense?

Eh, rules are rules.

Hurry, Sir Dwight.

Come along, ladies.

You.

You taking those goats across?

No, that'll cost ya.

How much?

Well, three goats, three crowns.

Unbelievable.

Three more crowns gains crossing

for ourselves and the goats, yes?

Yessirree.

Oh, but did I forget, you're wearing clothes.

Pardon?

That's an additional crown.

For wearing clothes?

Eh, that's our policy.

Fine.

Sir Dwight!

No, we're doing this naked.

I'd prefer to pay.

I can go either way.

Nope, on principle.

This guy does not get one more coin from us.

In fact I have to charge you two more crowns

for stopping on the bridge and holding up traffic.

Uh.

What traffic?

Rules are rules.

Are you freaking kidding me?

You are standing there making up the rules!

That'll be another crown for insulting talk back.

Oh.

You know, I have the right

to refuse service to snotty little boys.

I have half a mind to throw you off this bridge.

Move along.

Yes, uh.

Yes, yes.

Finally, now what.

Ingest one mouthful of the straw.

Copy that.

Kirk.

Baldric.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Here Gretta.

Gretta.

Nothing's happening.

A kiss with uh, moronic dopes

will complete the counter spell.

Moronic dopes?

We know any?

Insufferable contrarian.

Undoubtably he means the three of us.

That guy is the worst.

Time grows short.

Pucker up, men.

Um, I, uh,

I call Nana goat.

She's my grandmother.

So it won't be weird.

Uh, hm.

I mean, weird compared to her being a goat.

I'll kiss Her Highness goat.

That leaves me with the witch.

Oh. Hm.

Ugh.

What's the problem?

I don't understand it.

Ingest one mouthful of the straw.

Wait, who ingests one mouthful of straw?

Well if not the goats, then perhaps...

Don't say it.

Oh.

It's not bad.

Do we kiss the goats now or what?

That should do it.

Ick.

Uh.

It says,

"A kiss with moronic dopes

will complete the counter spell."

Perhaps we do not qualify.

That's validation.

We must find a moronic dope posthaste.

They're everywhere.

There's one now.

What, what happened?

Oh, how, how, how did I,

what's going on?

You lost your footing and had a bad tumble.

And took a header into the ditch.

Now eat that straw and kiss this goat.

I know it sounds weird,

but these three goats are actually people

who went under a bad lip gloss spell.

Oh, so you're working a counter spell.

Exactly so.

Now we just require a kiss from a moronic--

Handsome troll.

A handsome troll, yes.

Let me see.

Ingest the straw.

Mm-hmm.

Got it right here.

A kiss with romantic hopes will complete the counter spell.

Sorry, a kiss with what?

Romantic hopes.

How did you see handsome troll in that?

Uh, so uh,

you fellows have romantic hopes for these three?

Uh.

Oh, yes.

You do?

Any warm-blooded man with a heartbeat would.

Now see here, berserker.

My romantic hopes predate your romantic hopes

by lifetimes.

He just does this every now and then.

And nobody kisses this goat but me.

Isn't that the witch?

My witch!

You cad!

She's all yours.

There is my lady fair.

Nana?

She is a sweet, tender, gorgeous woman, my lad.

Stop.

She puts a fire in me.

La, la, la, la, la.

And I wish both of you joy.

I hope you'll forgive that little misunderstanding.

You like witches, that's your business.

It falls to you Sir Dwight

to kiss Princess Gretta back to human form.

Only if he has romantic hopes for the lady.

Do you?

Well?

Do you?

I mean.

Possibly.

Before the goat stuff, maybe I,

there was, I,

well, uh,

maybe just,

like, teensy ones.

The fate of Princess Gretta hangs

on your teensy hopes.

Zero pressure.

Every man has his goat.

Huh!

Huh!

Ha, ha!

Whoa!

Where are we?

Why is Kirk holding my face?

Who knows?

Come stand by me, Kirk.

Oh, ugh.

Were we goats just now?

You were.

Hexela/Gretta: Ugh.

What happened?

Bad lip gloss.

Uh!

Turns out can cause goatness.

Who's that guy?

A troll.

Who wants to cross my bridge?

Wait.

How did you counteract the goatness spell?

Oh, well, we, uh.

Sorry, madame.

A magician never reveals his secrets.

Come with me, lady fair.

The shank of Hormel--

Oh.

awaits us at home.

Okay.

Wow, you're muscly.

Mmm.

Shall we?

I thought you'd never ask.

We should, um, we should go.

One, two, three, four, five people.

With clothes.

That'll cost ya.

Kirk.

If you please.

Hexela : Is your nose too big?

Are your teeth too small?

How goes the YouTube?

All good.

We actually got some good stuff

before you all turned into goats.

A most unsettling experience.

I'll bet.

You, you.

You don't remember anything from your goat time?

Perhaps just one thing.

Yeah.

Tell me truly Sir Dwight.

I Did I eat a pizza box?

Yeah.

Yeah, right out of the trash.

It was, it was pretty, it was gross.

Good night.