Original subtitles

'Kay guys,

this ought to get you up to speed.

The honor has fallen upon me

to host this month's Guy Club assembly.

Am I late?

Exactly punctual, brother.

Do come in.

Uncle Arnolf.

I have no need of you.

Wha-What?

Where did they go?

On a journey through the cosmos.

Doughnut anyone?

Keep these handy.

You never know when you'll desperately want one.

I must be off.

Off?

Hey, where's Ms. Hernandez?

Mr. Hammond: Good morning, history buffs.

I'm Mr. Hammond and I'm your new teacher

for this world history class.

Ms. Hernandez has gone to New York

to chase her dream of becoming a puppeteer for The Muppets.

Which...

I maybe wasn't supposed to tell you, so...

that stays between you, me, and these four walls.

Yeah.

Let's get right into it.

History.

What do we mean by that?

We talk about history.

Uhh, Gretta Besieged?

Good morning, Gretta.

Can you tell us what you think history means?

Certainly.

Uh.

A record kept by scribes of a bygone time

detailing acts of valor or villainy.

Mr. Hammond: Uh, history definition, take it.

Events that have happened in the past.

Mr. Hammond: Okay.

You're not wrong.

But what about all that stuff that happened in the past

that nobody remembers?

Those forgotten things,

which is almost everything actually.

Are they still history?

I would encourage you to doubt history.

Mistrust it.

Consider it the dirty, rotten liar that it is.

'Cause history isn't a record

of all the things that've happened.

It's a story of what we've chosen to remember.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago

there was this princess, Gretta, and she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come, break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ahhhh!

...they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

Mr. Hammond: Hey there Gretta.

Um, do either of your parents have any flexibility

in their schedule?

I shouldn't think so.

The one is dead and the other is an oak tree.

But her guardian is pretty much available

pretty much all the time.

Well, um.

Please give this to your uh, guardian,

and um, let me know if tonight would work.

Tonight?

Here it comes.

Look, you miss school, you blow off homework,

and you sleep through class.

This is what you get.

Gretta/Baldric: Parent teacher conference.

A summons of some sort.

Oh, he just wants to talk to you

about how you're doin' in history.

Oh.

Well why didn't he just say that then.

He seeks an audience tonight at six of the clock.

Which is actually pretty cool of him.

Teachers don't get overtime.

Gretta/Baldric: Hm.

Ooo.

We must be off.

Will there be food

at this conference of barren teachers?

Uh, not barren teachers.

No, Chlodwig, you are not invited.

This is for Baldric and myself

to chronicle our noble deeds for posterity.

Wait what?

We have much to tell, Highness.

Don't expect us back before dawn.

Ha!

I should probably give Mr. Hammond a heads-up.

Did that come from...?

What are you guys putting in your fridge?

Only food stuffs and Baldric's nightgown.

His what?

Why is Baldric's nightgown in the fridge?

It wants out.

What does?

Baldric's nightgown.

Oh come on.

No, there has to be a logical explanation for--

Dronelover 99: And we're back!

It's the Guy Club guys.

Back from the cosmos.

How was your journey, brothers?

Dronelover 99: Kinda all over the place.

How did you get back?

Doughnuts.

Huh?

Ughhh.

Whoa.

Who's that?

A dead man in a chair.

His name's Phil.

Phil?

Phil?

That's me.

I'm just happy to be here.

Phil.

That's Phil.

Welcome to Guy Club, ancient Phil.

Hi.

Dronelover 99: Not the guy in the wheelchair,

the guy in the jar.

Pardon?

Right here.

See the old guy?

See his hands?

See the jar in his hands?

See the good-looking gas in the jar?

Dronelover 99: That's Phil.

He's a telepathic gas we picked up

in a realm called Feeech.

Hm.

I have a plan.

No you don't Chlodwig.

Dronelover 99: The plan is Chick-Fil-A, dude.

Chicken strips!

Yeah.

Chlodwig?

Impossible.

Chlodwig/Old Chlodwig: Balderdash!

Enough of this.

How dare you, sir.

Holy cow.

Chlodwig, is that really you?

Old Chlodwig: Never doubt me.

Look at me.

I'm so old.

Mm, 108.

Eh?

Speak up, you poop-noddy.

We picked him up on a visit to the future realm.

He wanted to come back

to give a message to a princess and a magician.

You mean Gretta and Baldric?

Where are they?

At a parent teacher conference

with Mr. Hammond.

Ohhh.

I must tell them...

So this is pretty much Woodside.

Nice town, great place to grow up.

So, what should I do while I'm here?

Well, really depends on what you're into.

Uh, we have a lot of great hiking trails.

There's a waterfall not too far from here.

Potato chips.

I'm game for everything.

But time is a limiting factor.

I don't wanna overstay my welcome.

Nah, Phil, we love having you here.

Well you say that now

but you'll be singin' a different tune

when I destroy all carbon-based life

on this planet.

Pardon?

It'll be like

a high-pitched screamy kind of tune.

Why would you wanna do that?

Oh, I wouldn't.

But given the highly unusual atmosphere you guys have here,

my containment in this jar is really unstable.

When you say unstable...

Well, this is what we in Guy Club

call a mayonnaise jar.

It wasn't really designed to contain something like me,

especially not in a place like this.

And when I finally break through?

So we should probably just hit the Woodside highlights

and get me back to Feeech.

You have seen all.

Check mark on Woodside.

Let's get you home.

How do we do that?

Like right now?

We need a Doughnut.

A doughnut?

From the box Arnolf gave to Chlodwig in the cosmos.

Not you Chlodwig, the old one.

He keeps them under his wheelie chair seat.

Where has he gone?

Nobody panic.

I said nobody panic!

We have to find old Chlodwig now.

Sir Dwight.

You are speaking about a master of stealth,

speed, and agility.

How ever are we to find such a man?

Well, we'll just have to find our own master of stealth,

speed, and agility.

Someone who thinks like Chlodwig.

Someone who plans like Chlodwig.

Mm-hm.

Because he is Chlodwig.

I have it!

Who better to find myself than myself?

Okay.

Let's show some hustle

before Phil cracks his jar and destroys the world.

Go-o-o guy club!

Old Chlodwig:

Sir?

Are you okay?

Where is the barren teacher conference?

The what?

The barren teacher conference.

They've gone to meet with Mr. Hammond.

You mean the parent teacher conference?

Old Chlodwig: Yeah, that's it.

Where is it?

I must warn them.

Uh, the school?

Maybe Woodside Elementary?

Woodside Middle?

Woodside High?

That's the one!

Uhh.

Which way?

It's about three or four miles that way.

Sir, do you need a ride?

Old Chlodwig: Oh.

I got a ride.

Weeee!

Okay, Chlodwig.

You're 108 years old, where would you go?

Difficult to say.

I'm an inscrutable, unpredictable mystery,

Sir Dwight.

Even to myself.

He has a message for the princess

and the magician.

Gretta and Baldric.

Where are they?

At the parent teacher conference.

After me!

How you feelin' Phil?

How's that jar?

Don't worry about it.

Everything's going to be fine.

Until the instant when it suddenly isn't.

Mr. Hammond: So, Gretta.

Tell me a little about your goals in world history.

Well, they are the simple goals

of any monarch.

To be remembered as a just, wise, and benevolent ruler.

Her people adore her

and her enemies cower in fear before her.

Write that down.

Mm.

Ahhhh!

Hey there.

Where you headed, buddy?

To the conference of parent leeches

at Woodside High.

All right, well, I'm headed that way.

You want a push?

Yeah?

All right.

Faster!

You wanna do the pedaling?

Uh-oh.

What's amiss?

Phil said uh-oh.

What uh-oh?

Oh, never mind.

Never mind?

I don't want you guys to worry.

We are already worried, Phil.

That mayonnaise jar is the only thing

keeping you from destroying all carbon-based life

on this planet.

Well yeah.

And it's cracking.

I don't do well in tight spaces.

I need my wiggle room.

We've gotta get you out of there.

In the next six or seven minutes

would be ideal.

Oh geez.

I have a plan!

Not now Chlodwig.

We have to get Phil out of that mayonnaise jar

and into something with wiggle room.

I have it.

Chlodwig,

the world is gonna end in five to six minutes

if we don't think of something.

Oh, that could work.

Okay man.

So, Woodside High is just a block that way.

Sorry, but I got a brisket in the crock pot.

Ohhh, I know that feeling.

All right, so you sure you got it from here?

Most certainly.

I'm quite capable.

All right, well you have a good one brother.

Old Chlodwig:

Oh floof.

Ahhhhh!

Okay.

Okay Phil.

Nozzle valve's in place.

Great!

Thanks Justin!

Chlodwig, you found a hammer?

Yes.

Now ever so gently, suuuper gently,

just as extra incredibly gently as you can,

hammer the nozzle valve

through the lid of the mayonnaise jar

while being veeery gentle.

This is it guys.

Did you get the gentle part?

Chlodwig?

No matter what happens,

you're always gonna be my brother.

Oh and Justin,

it's been an honor knowing you these past five or six minutes.

Let's save the world, men.

You ready, Phil?

Ready!

Gently.

Gennntly.

Dwight/Justin/Chlodwig:

That girl is adorable,

but I'm about to destroy the world.

Gently!

We have pressure!

Okay.

Moving balloon into position.

Commencing gas transference.

See you on the other side Phil.

Well done, boys!

Dwight/Justin/Chlodwig:

And that's how you do that.

Old Chlodwig:

You jabber-nulling, pop-doodling,

yellow-feathered liver-eater!

You good, Phil?

You got your wiggle room?

Oh yeah.

So much better.

This ought to hold me for a good 40 minutes.

Forty minutes?

An eternity on some worlds.

Well on this world it's 40 minutes!

We must find my ancient self

and retrieve my ancient doughnuts.

Time's tickin'.

By the age of 10

I had already vanquished a dragon

and driven a mob of orcs out of my kingdom.

Your kingdom?

Rogemore, we've been over this.

Long may it flourish.

Wow.

I sure appreciate you both coming in.

Ooh!

Which leads us to my early adolescence.

Ha.

A time of trial that tempered me

like a fine steel blade.

Oh-ho!

Indeed.

This is good.

Huzzah!

Victory.

Man.

That's quite a story.

Ah.

Mr. Hammond: But, it's getting kind of late so--

Oh!

But we're just getting to the good part.

Of course you are.

Now, imagine my surprise when I awaken

to see Sir Dwight staring me in the face.

Dwight?

Not what I expected

but he has risen to the task commendably.

Mm.

From world history class?

Indeed, yes.

Mr. Hammond: The kid who sits in the front row?

That's the one.

The guy who volunteered to organize

the history fair?

Old Chlodwig: Where is the errant teacher conference?

Mr. Hammond: What the--

Is he with you?

Are you lost, ancient one?

Gretta?

Do I know you?

Old Chlodwig: I have a warning from the future.

From the future?

What warning?

Doom, doom, doooom!

Mr. Hammond: Sir, are you okay?

Old Chlodwig: Ohh, out of my way.

Gretta, Baldric, you must listen.

I think he might be having a stroke.

Step aside.

We're listening.

What is your warning?

My warning.

Baldric/Gretta: Yes.

Old Chlodwig: Eh, um, I don't recall.

I'm um...

I know I had a warning and it was a very good warning.

It was, um.

Never eat the last lemon fritter at a dwarf banquet.

Prince Chlodwig?

Chlodwig!

Ancient self.

Mr. Hammond: Dwight, do you know this man?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, he's with me.

I'm with him.

I just, I have to find a, a...

Old Chlodwig: Hands to your own person.

They're not here.

What's not here?

The doughnuts Phil, they're not here.

Who's Phil?

That's me.

Just passin' through.

Little gas joke.

Where are the doughnuts, grandpa?

They're all gone.

We can stop for more doughnuts

on the way home, Sir Dwight.

No, no, no, we need his doughnuts.

Old Chlodwig: I used them up getting here.

Can we still stop and get doughnuts

on the way home?

How much time we got, Phil?

Feels like oh, I'd say about 20 minutes-ish.

Where are your doughnuts, you fop-doodle?

Fop-doodle?

Think, you lubber-wart.

Oh.

Oh dear.

Old Chlodwig: Your first journey through the cosmos.

What did Uncle Arnolf give you to bring back?

Dwight/Chlodwig: Doughnuts!

Go, go!

Gotta go.

Thanks, Mr. Hammond.

Love your class!

Same time tomorrow.

Hm.

You didn't throw them away did you?

Uncle Arnolf told us not to.

He said they could prove useful.

That guy's hilarious.

The ice box.

Oh.

Dwight/Chlodwig:

My nightgown!

Okay, I gotta know before Phil blows us all up.

Why is your nightgown in the freezer?

I like a cold nightgown on a warm night.

And why not?

Huzzah!

Two left.

Take one out, throw it up in the air,

and I will do the rest.

Oh!

And don't any of you think about any specific times or locations

while the doughnut's in the air.

You don't wanna confuse it.

'Kay?

So I'll just think of Cap'n Crunch.

I mean that can't be considered a time or a destination, right?

We'll see, won't we?

I shall think of my toes.

I shall think about how to spell perseverance.

Ah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Gotta go.

Lives of billions hangin' in the balance here, man.

I've got it.

I shall think of nothing at all.

Love it.

Ready, Phil?

Nice meeting you guys.

Glad I didn't blow you all to smithers.

Ready?

Ready.

Take me to Feeeeech!

Wow.

Okay.

I need to, I need to sit down.

My turn.

Not so soon, ancient self.

We have so much to discuss.

It's time to go.

But...

my future.

What must I know?

You already know everything you must know.

Farewell, ancient self.

Get on with it, you whippersnapper.

Take me to my lady's arms.

Did he say lady's arms?

Incredible.

Tell us.

What was the message

my ancient self so wanted to share with you?

Oh.

Never eat the last lemon fritter at a dwarf banquet.

You're kidding me.

That was the message?

Excellent advice.