Original subtitles

It all began on that fateful day.

You remember the one.

Get this off of me.

Urgh!

Pfft.

Hm.

Now, what was I about?

There you are, my love.

Thought you could hide, little goose?

I'm coming, my darling.

And won't you be surprised.

Hold just a moment.

You carried around my portrait?

'Twas a long time ago.

Still creepy, dude.

Don't interrupt, I am telling a story.

I could've sworn it was here.

How does one lose a castle?

Whew, yeah.

Now, that-that's a hard fall.

Pffft.

Princess?

Long, long ago, I set out to win the heart

of a princess who has a knack for making enemies.

So, her magician cast the most inconsiderate spell

that put me and all the woods to sleep.

I slept and slept and slept and slept.

I'd be sleeping still if fate had not intervened.

Ah!

Ow!

Where is she?

Who are you?

Hexela.

What were you doing skulking about my castle?

That is not a period of my life

that I care to recall.

Hm.

Oh.

Is she... dead?

Is who dead?

That would save me so much bother.

Dear heaven.

You are old!

You're the most ancient hag I've ever beheld!

I have to ask--

How are you not dead yet?

I'll ask the questions, you sputtle puffkin!

Sputtle puffkin, is it?

What happened?

I fell a sizeable distance

down a hole.

Not to you, you oaf.

To this castle!

Ah!

By walking these pixies...

Oh, confound it.

Who can read this tiny writing?

"By waking this Princess with your kiss,

you agree to perform the office and function of her Champion

until her hordes of enemies are defeated."

A Champion spell.

Ohh!

I know of only one magician who can command that spell.

You mean to say that some fat-lipped oaf

has been kissing my betrothed?

And now she's gone

and taken all her bones with her.

Pardon?

The little twerp.

Making a woman of my age chase her all through creation?

Let me guess.

Gretta/Chlodwig: Trolls.

Are you a witch?

Run, you fool!

These won't hold them for long.

I'll fly to your arms, my love.

Hm.

Hey there.

What can I get you?

I'm looking for my true love.

Ah man, I feel you.

Wow, are you dying of heat in that costume?

'Tis warm to be sure.

How's the Ren Fair going?

Pardon?

Tell you what--

I'll give you a slice of Swiss apple

if you send all your Ren Fair buddies this way.

Oh, and do you have our punch card?

I believe not.

Buy 50 slices and you get a free pie.

Don't lose that.

I shall protect it with my life, fair Phoebe.

Ooohh.

Hey.

Uh, I'm Edenberry Elf.

Have you uh, signed in yet?

Edenberry Elf?

Mm-hm.

I thought elves migrated south

this time of year.

Uhh...

Would you do me a kindness, Edenberry Elf?

A uh, a kindness?

I'm on a quest to win the hand

of Princess Gretta, the Besieged.

What ho!

The lady's castle now lies in ruins

and the lady herself is not to be found.

A lass, alack.

Will you use your elvish powers to find her?

I would be honored,

black knight of the realm.

Prince Chlodwig.

Edenberry Elf: Your Highness.

My elvish powers are at your disposal

in your search for the princess.

What a fellow.

Edenberry Elf: Mm, yes.

I call upon my elvish powers now.

Oh, my elvish powers.

Oh, my elvish powers

searching the elemental energy reverberations

to locate the Princess.

Amazing.

Edenberry Elf: There she is... quite close.

Where?

She is very close.

Where is she, Elf?

Somewhere.

Straight over there!

Oh.

Huzzah!

Oh, well done.

Oh.

Edenberry Elf!

Thank you.

You're all invited to the nuptials.

I'm thinking a caption like...

"Bellybutton owl gives a hoot in Woodside Woods."

Ah, peasants.

Where is the Princess?

What are you supposed to be?

Oh, ohhh.

Shakespeare improv troupe, yeah!

Dwight booked 'em.

Oh, I thought they were booked through May.

Good e'en, sir knight.

Prince Chlodwig.

I know the princess you seek.

Me thinks she's gone to revel in bingo night.

Make haste!

Uh...

I'm sorry, I think your show's about to start.

Down the hall on the right.

My love awaits.

Ladies, how do I look?

What a story to tell our grandchildren.

Okay, that guy's trying to kill you.

Male singer: One, two, three, four.

Okay!

Okay man, okay.

Hey, we all know violence is never the answer, right?

Save your breath, Champion.

Champion.

Him?

Sadly, yes.

This spineless tadpole?

Can we not do this again?

Baldric/Hexela:

You scoundrel!

You knave!

You brute!

Male thespian 2: Hey, hey!

You guys were so awesome!

Holy moly.

Your hand!

Yeah.

What?

Male thespian 2:

Hey, sorry, real quick.

I know you guys are headin' out, but I just wanted to ask.

Do you do ongoing casting?

I mean, I was in a production of Macbe--

Or, sorry, the Scottish play,

and it was an ensemble cast...

My dagger!

Male thespian 2: Wow!

You should be careful,

that could've really hurt someone.

Male thespian 2: So anyway,

I know a little about stage combat,

I took a few workshops, but you know,

I'm at like, intermediate level so--

Help!

Male thespian 2: That was an advanced level move.

Okay, I'm just gonna um, I'm just gonna look you guys up

on your website.

Unhand me, you fiend!

You blackguard!

You.. bilge.. rat-faced brute.

You're rat-faced.

You are free, warrior maiden.

I have subdued the bilge, rat-faced brute.

Most chivalrous of you.

Hm.

To whom do I owe my thanks?

I am Jacopo, a troubadour.

Oh.

A troubadour.

Yes, si.

Pray, do sing me the news.

Another time perhaps, senorita.

I go on important business.

Godspeed to you, good sir.

And take the thanks of Princess Gretta the Besieged

with you along your way.

The.. Princess?

The Besieged?

You are she?

The very same.

Hm.

The fate, she is a... a funny mistress.

We meet at long last, Principessa.

And now, we stand on the field of combat.

By the rules of chivalry, you may fight or you may yield.

Ah.

I will fight.

Bravo.

Shall we discuss terms?

I give you... your life.

You give me your kingdom.

Heh?

No one threatens this Princess but I.

How dare you ruin my day of joy?

Yield, peasant.

You yield.

Knave.

What do you mean?

Why should I--

I have a sword, you have a lute.

Esattamente

Mi amore.

Mwah.

Yes, come along Principessa.

Ah!

Oh, you are too kind.

Too adoring.

No need to worship me, on your faces.

I win.

I win.

Oh, I win.

I win, I--

Grh.

Ah.

Oh mi amore, she will not be happy.

No!

No!

Unhand me!

Almost there, my darling.

Unhand me!

Let me go this instant, you--

Call me... sugarplump.

Chlodwig?

Hey man.

Hey, no, I--

I didn't come here to fight.

It's been what, a thousand years

since you last, you know, circulated?

It's a different world now.

I just wanna make sure that you have the skills

to survive and thrive.

But I am on a quest to win the hand

of Princess Gretta by fair means or foul.

Yeah, turns out that's not a good quest.

She's just not that into you, man.

It sucks, but we've all been there.

Welcome to guy club.

Guy club?

Thank you.

You poor thing.

She?

A poor thing?

Have you any idea how difficult it was

to hoist your person over that dragon pit?

You never say that to a lady.

Thank you.

I'm in your debt, guy club brother.

Call me Dwight.

See you in yon village, Dwight.

Female singer: ♪ There's a light in my chest, ♪

♪ growing deep down.

♪ She's talking 'bout the best, but she's so loud. ♪

♪ Tell me why,

♪ tell me why.

Oh.

Oh, good lady.

You must try this.

Female singer: ♪ Show the flow, get it fresh and get it shine. ♪

♪ Tell me why,

♪ tell me why,

♪ tell me why.

Fair Phoebe.

Oh, hey!

Hot knight guy.

I mean, you're dressed like a knight and you look hot.

Warm.

I mean warm, because it's hot outside.

I have news, fair Phoebe.

Spill it.

I am no longer betrothed.

Aw man, that sucks.

I'm sorry.

'Tis all for the best.

All I lack in this world is a slice of Swiss apple pie.

O...kay.

Comin' right up.

Here you go.

Chlodwig.

Really?

Quickly, fair Phoebe.

My punch card.

I must follow yon trolls

and see what mischief they are about.

Great plan.

Have fun!

Brother Dwight.

Ah!

Grrrh!

Ugh!

For guy club!

Get off my land, Chlodwig!

We have no need of your help.

Gretta, are you still upset at the silly affair

with the kidnapping and the dragon pit?

You!

That's all in the past.

Take cover!

Ta-shal-ah-vi-ta-shal-ah-va!

He's going to be fine.

Well done, Baldric.

A tidy piece of work.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear.

I will never marry you, Chlodwig.

And I will never marry you.

I will find a woman who appreciates romantic gestures.

Romantic gestures?

You hung me over a dragon pit.

So ungrateful.

So we are agreed we shall never marry each other?

Agreed.

Chlodwig/Gretta:

Wait, all that happened while I was in the dirt?

How long was I out?

Ah, finally!

Phoebe, well met.

Hey, Chlodwig.

Wow, I love the new cape.

Sir Dwight made it for me.

Nice.

What can I get you?

I'll try the key lime.

Coconut cream for me.

Five slices of Swiss apple.

That'll be $21.50.

Hand it over, fellows.

Come come, pay up.

Phoebe is running a pie shop, not a poor house.

Here you go.

Ah-ha.

Witches first.

Huzzah.

Finally!

The realization of a dream.

I believe that should do it.

Well, look at that.

Wait,

Is that why you dragged us all out here

and made us get apple pie?

Swiss apple.

And pay for yours.

That's a free pie!

Free pie!

Unbelievable.

But--

Swiss apple.

What else, fair Phoebe?

What else?