Original subtitles

Not again.

Did you remember to pack your night clothes

and your socks?

Yes, yes,

yes.

And your tooth cleaning brush?

Everything is ready, but this is folly.

I cannot go and leave you unattended.

Nonsense.

Prince Chlodwig and Sir Dwight will attend to me.

But, Highness...

The assembly of the magician's guild meets

once only every...

Five hundred years.

You must go.

Oh, hey Gretta,

hey Baldric.

You ready for your trip?

Yes.

I must be off.

You guys know about this note

on the front of your door?

What note?

Oh, it's addressed to you, Chlodwig.

Is it?

Hey man, soundin' good.

My first performance is tomorrow.

You will attend, Sir Dwight?

Wouldn't miss it, buddy.

I take my leave of you, Highness.

Good journey, Baldric.

See you Thursday.

Have fun.

Protect the princess with your very life,

nay your very soul.

Will do.

'Tis a challenge, written in most rude language.

What manner of challenge?

I've been called out to defend my title

as champion of the hammer throw.

By whom?

It doesn't say,

but the contest is at mid-day.

I must be off at once.

Hey, hang on,

we promised Baldric that we'd stay with Gretta.

And so you shall.

We shall all go to the contest.

I do so love a hammer throw.

Brilliant.

Baldric couldn't possibly object to a brief excursion

into the woods.

Uh.

Oh, don't be such a mubble-fubble, Sir Dwight.

We promised we'd stay together, and so we will.

Let's away.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy, never showed up.

Instead...

Ah!

they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

Are you sure you know where you're going?

The challenge was clear,

we're to meet upon the great knoll,

just north of the muddy peat,

two furlongs from the brambly oak.

It's almost mid-day.

We must make haste.

I can't make much more haste, man.

Oh.

Uh.

There, the brambly oaks.

Ah!

What?

Is everybody okay?

Snakes!

Snakes everywhere!

They're not poisonous.

How do you know?

That one there, that one looks poisonous.

What is it?

Red touches black, you're dead Jack,

or yellow touches red, you're dead Fred?

Ah!

What?

Oh, dear me.

Poor, hapless soul,

wherefore art thou at the bottom

of this deep pit full of snakes?

Oh no.

It's her.

Hey there, is this your rope thing?

'Tis a braid of hair.

Is that you, Prince Chlodwig?

Agnet!

Oh! My darling.

You go too far.

There are no lengths

I wouldn't go for you, my love.

Who is this maiden?

The scourge of my life,

the bane of my existence.

I've come to rescue you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Absolutely no.

Absolutely yes.

I shall save you from this pit of deadly snakes.

Deadly?

Very deadly.

Red touches black, you're dead, Jack.

Chlodwig, my sweet,

simply grab hold of my long, luscious braid

and pull yourself out of the pit to safety.

I love this plan.

That we may be married and live happily ever after.

I will never marry you, Agnet.

Maybe dump the girl

after we get out of this snake pit?

But you are my prince charming.

The snakes are growing restless.

Stabilize your head, maiden.

We are climbing up.

Is that a girl?

I am Princess Gretta the Besieged.

Gretta?

Ugh, why did you bring Gretta?

Unhand my braid, this is a plan for my prince,

not for you.

Wait, you, you planned this?

See, see how much I love you?

She is out of her tiny mind.

You cannot believe,

was it you who sent this challenge of the hammer throw

on the great knoll?

It was.

And filled this pit with deadly snakes?

Oh yes.

And got us to fall into it?

All to prove my love for you, my darling prince.

Wow.

You think about the logistics of actually pulling this off--

What kind of a lunatic

would imperil someone's life to prove their love?

Chlodwig, my sweet, start climbing,

we are on a schedule today.

I suggest instead

that we live out our lives down here.

'Tis a comfortable pit of ample size

and well- stocked with snake meat.

Mm.

Ow!

Ow.

This, this is all your fault.

My fault?

Yes, you, and your immense poundage.

Get off me!

You have made a vile mess

of my perfectly lovely plan.

What exactly was your perfectly lovely plan?

Oh, well the handsome prince climbs up

the beautiful maiden's hair.

Woo!

The way it happens in all my books.

Of all the potty ideas.

But this ton of princess has gone

and ruined everything

and now we shall all die of snakebite.

I think not!

Oh,

ah,

oh.

Ah!

My hair!

Nice.

Okay, I'm out.

Ah!

Chlodwig, my sweet,

now that we are free from the snake pit,

we may move on to the wedding plans.

Agnet,

I would sooner marry the snake named Jack!

Dude, come on!

That was kinda harsh.

You!

You spoiled my snake pit, you,

you mangled my hair,

do you have any idea how long it took me to grow this braid?

Lay a hand on me, you lunatic,

and I'll chop it off.

No, no, she won't.

No, you won't.

Why does Chlodwig love you so, you horrid princess.

He doesn't love me.

He doesn't?

No, no, he doesn't.

Listen, Agnet.

Chlodwig is a complicated guy,

with a lot of deep feelings

that are sometimes hard to express.

Oh, do keep talking about Chlodwig.

He is my favorite subject.

Well, here's the thing about Chlodwig.

He just sees you as a friend.

A friend?

Yeah.

Hey, there will come a time when you realize

that this was for the best.

So, my prince--

Is still out there, Agnet.

He's waiting for you to find him

and he's hoping you won't give up on him.

I understand.

Good.

Yeah, great.

Great.

Chin up, off you go!

Best of luck.

Best foot forward,

go get 'em tiger.

Goodbye.

Oh!

Bye.

Oh.

Hey man.

You are just in time.

I believe I follow the man

with the embarrassingly puny mandolin.

Let's give Liam here a big hand.

All right, next up, please welcome Chodwedge.

Ah, 'tis my moment.

Hm.

I dedicate this song to Princess Gretta,

my former betrothed,

and to Sir Dwight,

my brother in the order of Guy Club.

Woo!

♪ Mommy promised you to me,

♪ but I had to set you free,

♪ so I did,

♪ and wrote this poem to sing to other girls ♪

♪ once I know 'em.

♪ Gretta, Gretta, you were my love, ♪

♪ my cousin, my quest.

♪ Gretta, Gretta, Gretta, ♪

♪ it's over now and for the best. ♪

♪ Gretta, Gretta, Gretta, Gretta, ♪

♪ you were my looooooooove.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, come on.

Okay, awesome.

Uh, uh, next up let's welcome Agnet.

♪ I was a beautiful maiden in a tower ♪

♪ that was guarded by a troll. ♪

♪ The troll did not let me leave the tower, never. ♪

♪ Not once in my entire life, just me by myself in a tower. ♪

♪ It was exceedingly boring.

♪ Until one day my prince came ♪

♪ and left the troll unconscious and set me free. ♪

♪ Chlodwig, I will never give up on our love, never, ♪

♪ never, never, never, never.

Thank you.

Uh, uh--

That's uh, that's gonna be a tough act to follow.

Did you--

love the love song I wrote for you, my prince?

Would you like to get married now?

Not now, not ever Agnet.

Oh, fluffy stuff.

If there is one thing a maiden in a tower must learn

it is patience.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs

before the frog you want wants to marry

you.

You kiss frogs?

A maiden must do what a maiden must do.

Chlodwig!

He's a frog!

One kiss from me

and he will be back to his handsome self,

and much more ready to get married.

No, no, no, no, no.

Chlodwig!

No! No!

He's my prince!

No! No!

He's mine.

Chlodwig!

My love!

Chlodwig!

I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

Mr. Dale?

Mr. Dale: Do you see that crow?

Chlodwig!

Yeah.

Mr. Dale: So, you would say it's real.

It's a real crow!

Mr. Dale, are you okay?

It's following me, everywhere I go.

I have to get home.

It's almost dark.

And I have no idea what happens when it's dark.

Uh- huh.

Mr. Dale: We have tampered with dark forces

that will be our undoing.

Oh! Dang it!

Give me my Frogwig back.

You do not seriously intend to kiss this?

Ew.

Off with your foul lips!

But I--

Look,

I think what Chlodwig is trying to say is--

I find you hideous.

It's not you.

It is you.

He's just not looking for a relationship right now.

Because you are grotesque.

If he's being completely honest,

he's not into girls that put his life in danger.

Especially

when they are heinously disgusting.

Stop.

Close your mouth.

Honestly, I tried to be nice.

I hope that makes sense, Agnet.

Of course.

My prince wants to be the hunter,

not the prey.

What's amiss?

Note.

My darling Chlodwig,

I have gone to orc territory to meet certain death.

Orc territory.

That's a bad place, right?

Mm-hm.

Know that my final thoughts are of you,

Agnet.

Ouch.

Orc territory is vast.

Who knows where she could have gone.

Oh, it looks like she drew you a little map.

How will we know we're in orc territory?

Maybe a sign or something?

Sh.

Who goes there?

Principessa, and the champion boy.

Could it be fate?

Uh!

Hey, hey,

hey.

Jacopo, how you been man?

You know this villain?

Who do you call villain?

You did try to steal my throne.

That was a long time ago.

I admit I tried and I failed.

I am bound by the rules of chivalry.

And by the rules of chivalry,

release me from this tree, I am a prince.

Oh, why such a rush, eh?

You are too tense.

Your face is squished like an angry little pig.

How dare you, peasant!

Fortune smiles on the patient soul,

does she not?

Now, here we are, together once more,

but this time, I am ready!

Ha!

Dude.

You've been practicing.

Sì.

Grazie.

Enough tomfoolery, out of the way, juggling jester.

I do not jest, piggy little prince.

Ha!

I demand a rematch.

Can he do that?

By the rules of chivalry,

Jacopo can demand a single rematch.

Help me!

What was that?

With any luck, a maiden being roasted by orcs.

Dude!

What maiden?

Hello! Anybody?!

The little blister,

I have half a mind to let the orcs do their worst.

What kind of prince are you?

A damsel cries out in distress.

Pfft.

So...

Anybody?

Jacopo, are there any rules of chivalry

about a damsel in distress?

Hundreds.

There's no higher expression of chivalry

than to give aid to a damsel in distress.

Sì.

Anyone!

Help me!

But Prince Chlodwig could easily save her.

Ugh.

Yeah, we're right in the middle

of this bottle flip rematch thing,

it's kind of important.

Very important.

Yeah.

Help!

Help!

Help me!

The bottles can wait!

I will save the damsel,

you may go home, pig-faced prince.

Pig-faced prince, halt at once,

that is my damsel and my rescue!

No, she is mine!

I call the dibs!

Somebody help me!

Agnet!

Chlodwig!

Have no fear, maiden, I have come to rescue you.

Hurry!

The orcs are on their way.

And the earth is a big blue ball

circling a big yellow ball.

Uh, Chlodwig--

I will have you free in but a moment.

I was here first, you scully.

You are a brute,

not worthy to rescue a maiden so beautiful as she.

Thank you.

I will rescue whatever maiden I choose,

beautiful or otherwise.

Oh, I would like to see you try.

How in the world did you hoist yourself up

in this net?

I didn't.

What do you mean?

Well, I intended to tie myself to yon tree

and wait for my prince to come rescue me.

your squealing voice.

Oh yes, he--

Of course you did.

But then I stepped in this trap.

Orcs.

Let a real man save the fair damsel.

No one saves the fair damsel but I.

But how can you when your nose is bleeding?

My nose is not bleeding, I don't--

Ah!

You blaggard!

Beautiful maiden, behold your rescuer!

Oh kind sirs, I pray you do not fight over me.

Stop it.

Stop it, I say.

Stop it.

Stop,

stop,

stop it, I say.

Here is a squeal.

Oo.

Signorina bella, you are safe now.

I don't know about safe.

The orcs that set this trap will be here

at any moment.

Then, fly away with me,

dolcezza.

Anywhere, my prince.

Come marry me.

Oh, you are so noble,

so chivalrous,

and that accent.

Oh, what about my accent?

Cara mia.

Hurry my prince, we are on a schedule today.

Goodbye baby-faced monkey,

say hello to the fat man and my favorite wrinkly lady.

Will do!

They are perfect for each other.

Right?

I give it six months.

My next song will be a ballad

about my many deeds of valor.

I've just written the first verse.

Oh, no, no!

Um, don't spoil it for us.

Oh! Baldric!

Hey.

How did your magician's guild assembly go?

I know now why they only hold it

once every five hundred years.

Oh.

Oh, ah.

Mm.

Show yourself, pretender.

I am bound to obey a tovenaar summons,

but you are no tovenaar.

I am the only remaining.

No more.