Original subtitles

So here's pretty much everything you need to know.

This is Emelian, the son of the royal woodcutter.

And the first boy I ever loved.

This is the tree you guys want to cut down?

I will kill any man who touches this tree!

It's...

Her mother.

I swear to protect the queen

with my life until the end of my days.

I dub thee, knights of the realm,

and protectors of the queen.

Uff.

Ah!

Sir Dwight?

Hey Emelian.

I beg your forgiveness.

I mistook you for--

A rival woodcutter, I know.

Sir Dwight!

Well, how goes peasant school?

Uh, you know, it goes okay.

Everybody misses you.

Your lab partners in biology are getting' kinda concerned.

Dad!

Son, I found another.

No.

Another?

What's amiss?

This makes three.

Three of what?

Oak trees, Your Highness.

Who would do such a thing?

No honest woodcutter.

Okay, what are we talking about here?

Some monster is cutting down the ancient oaks.

Like an actual monster, monster?

No, just cutting them down leaving them to rot.

It's senseless.

To fell an ancient tree is sin enough,

but for no purpose.

What if there is a purpose?

You two weren't the only woodcutters

who sought this tree.

So, you think whoever's out there in the woods

killing the oak trees, is looking for...

What's the plan, Gretta?

I am going to find the killer

before they find my mother.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

Put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ah!

they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

All right, got everything!

And, 12 minutes ahead of schedule.

What have you there?

The ultimate wilderness survivor pack,

forest edition.

All right.

'Kay.

Sir Dwight,

seeing as you are the princess's champion,

are you close to her thoughts?

Uh...

Ah.

Sir Emelian!

Dude, you okay?

Yeah, no harm done.

Oh, that is going to require immediate attention.

It's just a scratch.

This is why I am first aid certified.

All right.

Let's see what we got in here.

Can you hold that?

Just like that.

Whoa, hey, calm down.

Let's practice our breathing.

Slow down that blood flow.

Antibiotic, sting-free, wound-cleansing wipes.

I'd hardly call it a wound.

Sorry, does that hurt?

Did what hurt?

Okay.

Aerosol-free, antiseptic spray promotes natural blood-clotting.

Just keep arching your back, just all the way, like, mm.

Great, okay.

And boy, yep, that's a doozy.

All right, and, ta da!

Are those cats?

Yeah, for every bandage sold,

they donate a penny to homeless shelters

for kittens.

Chlodwig!

Well met, fellows.

What brings you so deep into the woods

on this day?

I might ask you the same thing.

We're looking for a woodcutter.

Aren't you a woodcutter?

A rival woodcutter killing oak trees.

Have you seen any sign of them?

Follow me.

Double-headed axe, recently sharpened.

Rock, crystal, stone.

It's the work of a master woodcutter.

But do you know who?

Kill the tree, leave the wood,

it's expressly against the woodcutter's code.

Woodcutters have a code?

But why?

Without a code, all would be chaos.

I think he means

why is somebody serial killing oak trees.

Well, there's a few ways

to tell if a tree is magic,

you can chew the leaves,

boil the bark,

you can write it a poem--

Wait, what?

Really?

Although the easiest way to tell is to--

Cut it down.

Everyone comb the ground for any trace of the villain.

Sir Dwight,

Prince Chlodwig.

Hm?

Does the princess hold any special love

in her heart?

Oh, many, many, many.

She loves a glazed hog's head.

And boot sweets.

I don't think that's what he means.

And the honey buns made by Little Debbie.

No suitor has claimed the heart

of the princess.

Wasn't there a paperboy?

Yeah, that's over.

So, neither of you would oppose me making my suit?

You- You're gonna make a suit?

Is it gonna have a shirt?

For the hand of the princess.

Now that I am Sir Emelian, Knight of the Realm,

I may dare seek the princess's heart.

Uh.

My father says it's time to pick a wife,

though he would much rather me marry a woodcutter.

But you're like my age.

You are in luck, Sir Emelian.

I am considered by many to be an expert in matters of love.

Yeah, not so much.

I shall help you woo the fair princess.

Please don't say woo.

Come fellows!

Look at this.

Look at the size of these footprints.

Look at the size of Sir Emelian's muscles.

They disappear into the thicket.

Into the thicket we go, with haste.

Wait!

I suggest we split up.

Oh.

We could cover more ground.

All right, hold on.

Before anybody goes anywhere, we need emergency walkies.

Gretta.

Emelian.

Okay.

Chlodwig.

Okay, so, if you have something to say,

hold the button down and talk.

Testing, one,

two,

three.

Yeah.

Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.

Le, le, le, le, le.

Hey nonny-nonny.

Chlodwig, um.

Listen carefully.

The princess will go in that direction,

with the strong, valiant and handsome Sir Emelian.

Sir Dwight and I will go in the other direction

without the strong, valiant, and handsome Sir Emelian.

Copy that.

We lost his trail.

Princess, I have a question.

How could such a big-footed man vanish

without a trace?

No.

I have a question about you.

This will do nicely.

'Tis a sticky bog.

I see that.

Man, we are getting eaten up out here.

Ha.

Plant-based, non-lethal mosquito repellant.

Ah, it smells like citrus.

Hey Chlodwig, you wanna try astronaut ice cream?

Not now, Sir Dwight.

I have a plan.

Did you mean what you said?

What I said?

When we met in your castle by surprise.

You said that, you,

well you said that I... was.

Princess Gretta!

Sir Emelian!

Help!

What's the alarm?

You came but a moment too late.

Sir Dwight and I were attacked

by a sticky bog monster!

What?

An immense, blood-lusty brute

with claws for legs and one giant eye.

What happened?

Ask him.

It tried to pull us into the sticky bog.

You're most fortunate it did not succeed.

Anybody who ever steps a foot in the sticky bog,

never steps a foot out again.

You will thank me for this

on your wedding day.

What?

Aaaaaah!

Gretta! Gretta!

Now's your chance!

Come here, come here.

Grab my hand.

Yes, Sir Emelian.

She's stuck!

'Tis not called a sticky bog for nothing.

Help me get off the ground!

Reach, reach, reach.

I got it!

Get me out of here!

Sir Dwight!

Reach!

Grab on!

Heave-ho guys!

Dwight and Emelian:

Yes, Sir Emelian, yes.

Great work, yes.

Oh, so strong.

Oh.

Dwight and Emelian:

Okay, try and swing to us.

Come on!

Gotcha!

You just saved my life.

Here, I have a microfiber towel

in here somewhere.

A perfect opportunity bungled.

Pardon?

The sticky bog!

It was your chance to prove yourself!

You pushed me into a sticky bog!

My motives were pure!

What possible motive--

STICKY BOG MONSTER!

Whoa!

Ah!

Even better!

What?

Fight the monster, you oaf!

Get behind me, princess.

That's the spirit!

Stop, that's ridiculous!

I'm the one with the sword.

Where's the--

Where's the--

Bear spray!

Run!

Sorry!

Hm.

What an unsettling texture.

Right?

Two perfect opportunities bungled.

Listen, here's the thing about Chlodwig's plan--

I have it!

Of course.

I shall disguise myself as a fiendish brute

and set upon the princess, at which time she--

Will beat the snot outta ya.

She will be in a state of profound terror.

And that is when you will race to the rescue.

Uuuh.

You will fight me and she will--

Totally know it's you and think you're both psycho.

And you will be naming a wedding date before sunset.

See, I see a lot of holes in this plan.

If this plan works,

you will name your first son Chlodwig.

If this plan works,

I will name my first son Chlodwig.

And I will mentor young Chlodwig

as if he were my own seed.

Please don't say seed.

Hey!

He just ran off with my survivor pack.

Sir Dwight, I think I understand the plan.

That's amazing.

How shall I know when the princess is seized

by the fiendish brute?

Wow.

He threw that together quick.

Unhand the princess or die.

That's it!

You are out of control

and gonna get somebody seriously hurt.

Come on Chlodwig, nobody's buying it, all right?

Take off the stupid mask,

lose it!

Stoyan!

You know this guy?

Rival woodcutter.

You shan't stop me, boy.

Not you, nor your father, nor anyone.

The tree is mine!

We searched these woods for years.

Found nothing, there's no magic tree.

You're a better liar than your father,

but you're still a liar.

Sir Emelian, can you reach my dagger?

No, just your talkie.

Her walkie?

Hold down the button.

Done.

Chlodwig!

Hey, Chlodwig!

Come in!

Help!

Mm.

I am here, brother.

What are you wearing?

Frightening, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

You look like a--

Just say fiendish brute.

What?

Untie us!

Dad!

Son!

We found the bad guy!

Who?

Ah!

Stoyan!

All our lives, we've cut wood in this forest,

nothing to show for it, but scars!

We could be rich men!

All of us!

She's not just a tree, Stoyan!

Eeyaaah!

Yaaah!

Yeeahh.

Hya!

Sir Dwight!

Don't!

Noooo!

Dad, that could have been us.

Princess Gretta.

When you didn't come this morning, I...

Is anything amiss?

I must upon occasion make an appearance

at peasant school.

On occasion?

My father and I would speak with you,

Your Highness.

Your Highness, uh,

we are sworn to protect the Queen Tree.

But as we have all seen,

it's apparent the Queen Tree--

Needs no protection.

We beg your leave

to return to the woods, Highness.

To the woods?

The trees of the woods have no one to defend them.

It is the woodcutter's code to protect the forest

for the generations yet to come.

Sir Yoska and Sir Emelian,

Knights of the Realm, and protectors of the Queen.

You have fulfilled your office with honor.

I give you leave to return to your home

and appoint you guardians of the woods.

Hey guys!

Wait up!

You guys could probably use this.

You are always welcome at our fire, Sir Dwight.

Huh, thanks... man.

Farewell, Sir Dwight.

Farewell, guys.

I know the wife for you, son.

Dad.

Tobar's daughter, Everelda.

Now that girl can swing an axe.

I don't want a girl who can swing an axe.

She's got the shoulders of a bull.

She'd bear you gargantuan sons.

No! No!

Stop!

No!

What?

She's got hands like a man!