Original subtitles

Is that the circus?

Termites.

Huh?

It's so nice of you two to let us stay a few days.

It is our duty to give refuge to our subjects

should they come under attack.

The circus is in town.

I love the circus!

Oh, no, no.

It's a fumigation tent.

Sorry, buddy.

Sir Dwight's house has been invaded

by legions of termites.

True.

And the circus has come to vanquish them.

False.

Glory to the brave.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble,

because she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ah!

they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

Thanks for dinner, guys.

You know, I'm not usually a parsnip guy,

but these were great.

It was my grandmother's recipe.

What is this concoction?

Oh, we call it, movin' and groovin' juice.

No, no, we don't, actually.

Not anymore.

Four ounces of this stuff every night,

keeps things nice and loose.

It's mostly juiced prunes--

Baldric!

I would love to get that parsnip recipe.

Ah, it's parsnips.

Dwight used to get stopped up for days.

Ew.

And when I say days, I mean weeks.

I mean sometimes it would get so bad

that I would just have to make like--

About tomorrow,

I'm gonna email you those slides before bed.

Oh, okay, great.

Am I before or after bunko?

After.

So you can take as long as you want.

The ladies can't get enough of you, sweetpea.

Ladies?

Oh. At the senior ladies luncheon.

Dwight's doing a lecture series

on understanding your grandkids.

What's your topic tomorrow?

Texting with teens.

I'll meet you there, okay?

Yeah, you got it.

Okay, you night owls.

I am going to get ready for bed.

Mm.

Mm.

Down the hatch, honeybear.

You don't want any slowdowns tomorrow.

Um.

Night.

All set down here?

Yeah, yeah.

Got my air mattress, my sleeping bag.

I'm all good.

All righty then, good night roomies.

Good night, dear lady.

May your frail bones find rest under our roof.

Oh. I'm sure.

And may the circus soon be victorious!

You might want to slow down on that, buddy.

It's gonna hit you pretty hard tomorrow.

Ah. 'Tis a hearty brew.

Huh.

So, Sir Dwight,

tomorrow is a momentous day for us both.

Oh, yeah?

You give your oration to the leading ladies

of the village

and I escape the grasp of Hexela, the witch.

Hexela?

The witch?

The grasp?

Indeed.

Well, send.

Well, what have you to do with Hexela?

We share an enthusiasm

for knucklebones.

Oh.

No.

What's knucklebones?

A game of chance.

Hexela is unbeatable at knucklebones.

Oh fluffy stuff, she's hardly unbeatable.

You beat her?

Well, not yet.

But I'm learning her weaknesses

and deciphering her strategy.

How much have you lost?

Two hundred crowns.

Two, uh?

What are you?

Hey!

Look, that's my dinner for tomorrow!

How so?

I wrote my name on it.

Did you?

You had to take my name off of it to eat it.

Is your brain addled?

What is the first thing I taught you, Highness.

Oh.

Never bring a dagger to an ax fight.

Mm.

Never owe a debt to a w...

Witch.

Gretta and Baldric: A witch, yes.

Have no fear, for I have a foolproof plan.

Does it start with making me more noodle salad?

I have challenged Dalibor the Destroyer

to a wrestling match.

Dalibor?

The destroyer?

He'll destroy you.

I think not.

And to the victor of the match,

goes a purse of 200 crowns.

Mm.

Brilliant, no?

Baldric and Gretta: No!

I shall win the match, pay the witch

and live happily ever after.

Hm.

A perfect plan for a perfect fool.

Unbelievable.

Ten o'clock and all is well!

Baldric?

Ah!

Eleven o'clock and all is well!

Twelve o'clock and all is well.

What died in my mouth?

Uh, ew.

What?

What the?

Chlodwig!

Uh, oh.

Aaaaah!

Ah, floof.

Hm.

Gretta!

Baldric!

Look everyone!

Scramble the jets!

Call the BBC!

All useless efforts, brother.

Give me but a moment to explain!

No!

No, no, no, no, no.

I do not want to hear a word out of your mouth.

Um, my mouth.

Don't use my mouth!

Cease your caterwauling.

Oh, I am going to caterwaul my brains out.

You have never seen caterwauling.

What's amiss?

Prince Chlodwig is caterwauling.

Today must be my birthday.

Happy birthday, Sir Dwight.

Over here!

I'm Sir Dwight.

In what sense?

The sense that I am Sir Dwight in that dude's body.

I clearly lost track of the date,

Waa!

but how?

According to my runic calendar my birthday should fall

on the second day of the sixth new moon

in the year of Arloc.

Dude, I'm not a violent person

but I think I might actually punch you in the face.

Only consider, brother, it's your face.

Have you any idea what is happening here?

None, Your Highness.

Allow me to explain.

On the day of my birth,

I came under a wizard's curse that has plagued me ever since.

Every year on my birthday,

I live a day in someone else's life.

Oh.

What a nut job curse!

Specifically in the life of the last person

whom I have wronged.

Mm.

You did eat my noodle salad, and,

and, you slept on my air mattress

in my sleeping bag.

There you have it.

You know what?

I'm over it.

Forgiven and forgotten.

Now, I just really need my body back.

It grieves me to tell you this, Sir Dwight,

but we are trapped in this predicament

until midnight tonight.

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, I've got stuff today.

As have I.

The senior ladies luncheon at 11:00.

How does this luncheon of senior ladies compare

to my match with Dalibor?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're a no-show.

Remember when you face him do not be daunted

by his immense size.

Chlodwig, I am not fighting Dalibor the Desolator.

Dalibor the Destroyer.

Not doing it.

But it's the match of the century.

The bandit's will never allow me to renege.

The bandits can eat it.

What are they gonna do?

Dwight! Dwight!

I'm coming!

Unhand him!

You stay with, with, Chlodwig.

Right.

Stout heart, Sir Dwight!

All my hopes go with him, Baldric.

He cannot fail.

He will not fail.

He certainly can, and most likely will.

I will not fail him.

We must ready ourselves and be off.

Whither?

To the senior ladies luncheon.

Oh.

Huzzah.

I swear, if another bandit puts me in another bag,

whoa.

Behold the challenger!

Prince Chlodwig... the Unstable.

Uh, hi.

Is there any way we can push this thing to tomorrow?

That's not Dalibor the Destroyer.

Huh?

That's his spear carrier.

This is--

I know.

Dalibor the Destroyer!

I destroy you.

I, I'm sure you will.

I'm gonna die!

If I die, who dies, me or Chlodwig?

Have courage, Sir Dwight.

Ow.

Show no fear.

You show no fear,

you're not the one

who has to battle Dalavor the Destructor!

Dalibor the Destroyer.

Whatever that ton of big, hairy man.

You're not fighting him.

Well, nor you.

You must escape.

Good idea.

Behave naturally.

Copy that.

Ew.

What are you--

Gretta!

I will create a diversion.

What diversion?

Uh.

I'm thinking.

Uh, Gretta?

Hail, fellows!

Would you like to see some magic?

Behold I shall remove my thumb

from my own hand.

Is she a witch?

Ah.

Fight!

Dwight! Dwight!

Dwight. Dwight.

Is it over?

You lost.

That's fine with me.

Ladies!

Your wait is over.

Dwight, there you are.

And Baldric?

Uh, so nice of you to join the ladies luncheon, I--

I shall explain all.

Ladies.

Bewitched.

Captivated.

Uh.

Oh, uh, Dwight, honey.

Uh, how 'bout we get started.

Mm, yeah.

Um, texting with teens.

Ah, yes.

My oration.

Uh, sure thing, uh,

I'll run the slides.

My youth was one of privilege but isolation.

A wilderness of the soul.

You were a great sport.

You know that?

I am proud of you.

How now, Prince Chlodwig?

Hexela.

You owe me 200 crowns.

A debt you swore you'd pay by sunset.

What's the first thing you need to know?

Never wrestle a guy who's last name is Destroyer.

Never owe a debt to a witch.

Mm.

Tell you what Hexela,

Chlodwig will pay you tomorrow first thing.

A word in your ear, Prince Chlodwig.

She mustn't know that you aren't Chlodwig.

Why not?

Because this is a witch's debt

and it must be paid

on the promised time and it may only be paid

by Chlodwig.

If he doesn't?

I shudder to think.

Sorry, you were saying?

I'm generally known as a reasonable woman.

By whom?

And since I do enjoy a good game of knucklebones,

I propose we play.

If you win, your debt is forgiven.

What if I don't?

He doesn't have any money, Hexela.

You can't draw blood from a turnip.

Maybe you can't.

But in answer to your question,

I might be willing to accept payment of another sort.

What sort?

Hm.

Let me think, perhaps,

your earlobes!

Why do you want my earlobes?

Let's just say a prince's earlobes are

handy little things.

Ah!

And if we refuse your proposal?

Well then I shall simply have to recoup my losses

in some other way.

Perhaps I'll sell you to the bandits.

Hi boys!

Dolliver.

Call me.

Do come along, children.

Huh. Give me a minute.

What's amiss?

I am movin' and groovin'

Excuse me.

My dearest friends were the shadow puppets

I created on the walls of my private quarters.

Uh.

Yes. I see.

This is a random assembly of letters.

It is the nonsense babbled by lunatics.

Pay it no heed.

Oh! I know this one!

I love you, hugs and kisses.

Pardon?

Go ahead.

Uh.

R-r-rotafool.

A Flemish word, I believe.

Woman 1: Oh, rolling on the floor laughing.

This ancient woman is unwell.

Ah, I see.

Ha, ha.

That is clever.

Each letter represents a word.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oo, do another one.

Oh!

Better take waffles!

Ah!

Excellent advice.

Thank you.

Oh!

Baldric and Dwight: Ah, ha, ha.

Another one.

Oh, yeah.

Um.

Uh, uh, uh, br, br

bring roasted beef!

Ah yes.

Bring roasted beef!

Another! More!

Ah, here we go.

Dwight and Baldric: W, w, w...

Wear your winter hat!

My turn, my turn.

One more.

Yes.

Uh, ling,

ling,

lemur,

lock,

lemon...

Lady of love.

No, no,

don't do that.

Stop it.

Have a seat my dear.

We all know the rules.

Let's pretend we don't.

Pardon?

Just talk me through it.

I just like the way you explain things.

Oh.

Very well then, Your Highness.

We throw the bones.

What bones?

These bones.

Each bone has four sides,

each side has a number.

I'm sorry, where are these bones from?

Are you quite certain you want to know?

I'm quite certain I don't want to know.

Mm-hm.

You each get three turns to throw the bones.

Okay.

After each turn your numbers will be added.

Uh-huh.

Whoever has the greatest number

after three rounds, wins.

Th- that's it?

There's zero skill involved in this game.

Well, that is a matter of opinion.

Hexela is a master at knucklebones.

Oh!

But it's all luck!

Well, then let's begin.

And see who fortune will favor today.

One, three, three, two.

Not bad.

Two, one, three, one.

Oh, seven for you, eight for me.

On to round two.

Wait a second,

my score was one, three, three, two.

That adds up to nine.

Not by my calculations, no.

Your calculations, your what?

You realize why

she's unbeatable at knucklebones, right?

What are you suggesting, sir.

Math has come a long way

in the last thousand years.

Ha!

Do you have your phone?

I believe so.

There's two rounds left

and here's how they're gonna go.

We're gonna use your bones, my calculator.

Happy birthday, dear Chlodwig,

in Dwight's body, happy birthday to you.

Hey guys.

Blow out your candle.

Now, we feast.

It's all you, birthday boy.

Mm.

I believe this is the first time I've celebrated my birthday.

Really?

What with the wizard's curse,

my birthday's always been something of a hardship.

Poor thing.

With the exception of today.

I have not spent a day in one's life

that I have enjoyed more than yours, Sir Dwight.

Thanks, man.

Have no fear.

Prince Chlodwig fulfilled your duty

at the senior ladies luncheon.

Oh, wow.

He made quite a splash.

Huh.

I think you have several dates already lined up.

Mm.

What of you, Sir Dwight?

Were you victorious in your match

with Dalibor the Destroyer?

He destroyed me.

No.

Yeah, sorry dude.

What of the witch?

My debt.

Well, Sir Dwight has bested Hexela at knucklebones.

Ha!

Impossible!

How?

What's the first thing you need to know.

Never eat the last lemon fritter

at a dwarf banquet.

Mm, never owe a debt to a witch.

Never let the witch do the math.

Ah!

Mm, mm.

Rouse yourselves, sluggards!

It is a new day.

Huzzah!

Rejoice fellows, for I am Chlodwig once more.

Fluffy stuffs, there is only one Chlodwig,

and it is I.

Uh.

But, but, but...

I'm just messing with you man.

Who wants waffles?

Oo, waffles.

Huh.

Perhaps with some move along juice.

Most certainly,

we don't want any slowdowns today.