Original subtitles

Male Cheerleader: We took down Timberland!

We decimated Forest Glen!

And we obliterated Riverside!

None of that is gonna mean a thing

if we don't wipe the floor with Lakeview High

in the big game tonight!

Male Cheerleader: This is it Woodside!

This is the showdown with our biggest rivals,

all right?

We need you out there in full force tonight.

Sir Dwight, it is almost time.

You are unwell.

What?

No, no, no, no.

I'm fine.

Male Cheerleader: Do you hear that Lakeview?

Male Cheerleader: That's what's waiting for you tonight.

Male Cheerleader: We are going to tear you guys apart!

And just in case you don't think we're serious.

We stole your precious little horn out of your trophy case.

Yeah, and if you want it back,

you're gonna have to fight us for it.

Okay, about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble,

because she had lots of enemies and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come, break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ah!

they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

Male Cheerleader: Now, to bring us home,

Woodside's very own good luck charm, Woody the Woodchuck!

Have no fear, I know what to do.

My uncle suffered from the mariner's plague.

The what?

I will get the leeches.

No!

Hee, hee, hoo, hoo.

Okay.

The woodchuck must go on.

Woo!

Woodchuck!

All better.

Uh, uh.

Snackstand.

No.

Sir Dwight, you need rest,

in a dark room with no drafts

where we can let the foul blood out of you.

No, we're leaving my blood right where it is.

But we must--

I can't be sick, okay.

Lakeview is our biggest rival, and Woody must come through.

Come through what?

Woody the Woodchuck has only missed three games

in the last twenty years,

and each of those three times,

we have suffered our worst defeats.

Woody means everything to this school.

And even if I am p--

feeling a bit touchy in the tummy,

the Woodchuck has to bring it.

Bring what?

Sir Dwight!

I just heard the fateful news.

What's that?

A tonic.

It could make a dead man leap from his grave.

I'm not even gonna ask what's in it.

Very wise.

Okay, what's in it?

The juice of five figs.

Uh-huh.

The powdered pits of three apricots.

It actually doesn't sound so--

The intestines of two field mice.

And there it is.

Look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm good.

I'm actually allergic to apricot pits.

Oh.

And field mice.

Dwight, hey whoa.

Dude, you look like... terrible.

It's the plague.

Or the scourge.

Possibly the pestilence.

It's the half-off sushi.

Oh.

To protect against the half-off sushi.

Have you tried castor oil?

And peanut butter with ginger?

Got my dad up and running

after he had a really bad tuna roll.

Okay, do we have um,

organic popcorn, um, brown rice krispie squares

and biodegradable, um, plastic straws?

Uh, check, check and check.

Dude, seriously, you look like death.

Like, really, really deathly.

Thanks man.

Go Woodchucks.

Go Woodchucks.

Have you any mutton shanks?

Begone, devils.

I say begone!

Begone!

Gak!

Good luck charm.

For the big game.

Look guys.

I really appreciate all your chants

and all your tonics and what is this?

Devil Begone.

You know what?

I'm actually feeling better.

Oh.

And you know why?

Because I don't have a choice.

I have a job to do.

I have several jobs to do.

But can't someone else--

No!

I will not be that guy.

Nobody else is gonna be Woody the Woodchuck

for the pre-game or half-time shows,

and nobody else is going to announce the game.

It is on me.

I truly admire your valor, Sir Dwight.

But your health is more important.

Lakeview is our arch enemy and we will not go down

on my watch.

You mean our honor is at stake?

Yeah.

Huh.

I understand.

We will uphold the honor of Woodside.

Glory to the brave.

Great.

ALL HAIL THE WOODCHUCK!

'Kay.

Hey Sophie, how are we looking for--

Dwight, you don't look so hot.

You don't look so hot.

Are you hungry, Dwight?

Or do you just want a bite?

Oh!

What weapons have they chosen?

Only those orange orbs.

Strange choice of weapon.

Sir Dwight!

You are called to arms.

I will go tell them you are unwell.

No, no, no.

The pre-game is just as important as

a pep rally and half time shows.

It's all part of the Woodside ritual.

If Woody doesn't show, we don't win.

It is a proven aoo- ao- algorithm.

Thirty more seconds.

Aaaah.

So cold.

So nice.

Okay, okay, mm.

Here we go.

For the honor of Woodside.

Uh.

ALL HAIL THE WOODCHUCK!

Oh look, it's a little Woodchuck.

Woody!

Woody!

She knows it's just a show, right?

Highlander Mascot: Oh, hi buddy,

I don't know whether to hug you or to

Siri, text Jake an apology.

Apologizing to Jake.

Highlander Mascot: What the heck was that, man?

That's not what we rehearsed.

Nice!

But how was I to know it was for show?

Because this is the non-insane century.

Remember?

Nice turf?

We don't have death matches

at basketball games!

Still, impressive show of force.

Thank you.

I am so exhilarated.

What's next?

It's as though I'm back

at the mage versus wizard battle of 986.

Hm?

I have to announce the game.

You have to cheer and watch.

Excuse me.

Powerful weapon indeed.

An orb of havoc.

I've heard of them,

though I've never seen one with my own eyes.

Oh, ah.

I need a minute.

Wait, wait, I'm supposed to announce the...

Leave it to me, Sir Dwight.

Wait, no, no, no.

You may recall Sir Dwight,

that I recently served

as Grand Marshall for the three-legged race.

Never fear, Sir Dwight.

Ow.

I've got this on lock up!

Lock down.

Yes.

Hear ye, peasant youth!

It is my great honor to welcome you to this contest

between the valorous Woodchucks of Woodside!

And the heinous

Highlanders of Lakeview!

The blue knight prepares to unleash the orb of havoc

on the red knights.

What's this?

The red knights have thrown their hands up in the air

in surrender!

Huzzah!

The battle is won!

Wait!

The merciless blue knight releases the orb of havoc

and it goes straight into a fish net,

a broken fish net.

Oh, what a disastrous failure.

What folly is this?

Blue knight flings the orb of havoc

at one of his fellow knights,

who flings it at another blue knight.

And again through the broken fish net.

Both sides sound the retreat. Huh.

Appalling.

Can you please tell Baldric it is not a retreat,

it's just half-time.

You have taken a turn for the worse.

I just need my bed.

Your dear ones should be at your side.

What?

Go hence and beckon Nana.

You have to say call Nana.

Beckoning Nana.

Hey Gretta!

What's the score?

Nana!

Come quick!

Sir Dwight is not long for this earth.

No, no, I'm still long, Nana.

I, I'm just a little under the weather.

I'm afraid these are his final hours.

Not as serious as all that.

His soul all but flutters over our heads!

My soul's not fluttering anywhere.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

I'll be there in a jiffy.

Ah, geez.

What are you doing?

Wailing in lamentation.

Doing the what in the what?

Have the lamentations begun?

Baldric!

Stop!

Stop, stop, stop.

Please--

Please, stop.

The half time show is starting.

I must hurry to the privy then.

The contest will resume shortly

and I've had three flagons of orange soda.

Look out!

Coming through!

Hurry, hurry!

Woody does not miss half time.

We are winning by nine.

Bring us home, Gretta.

Is this your dying wish?

Absolutely.

I feel so much relieved.

And the Woodchuck has laid down the gauntlet,

but will the Highlander accept the challenge?

Highlander mascot:

You're too crazy!

He will not.

He will not. Ha.

I accept your challenge.

Filthy dogs!

Oh.

'Tis only for show.

Finally a worthy challenger. Hm?

Yah!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

The Woodchuck strikes first.

Ha!

Oh, the Woodchuck has been beheaded!

Ha, ha, ha.

The Woodchuck miraculously recapitates

and attempts a counter assault.

Boom goes the Woodchuck!

Now you've made me angry, wee beastie.

They're growing their seniors big

at Lakeview this year.

Oh!

Another blow for the Woodchuck.

And hairy.

The big brute counters with a backwards head twist.

You squirrelly thief.

Return me what you've stolen.

Stolen?

The honor of Strathclyde!

Did he say--

Strathclyde.

This is no show.

A warrior from Strathclyde, here?

Run, you peasant half-wits!

Save yourself!

What does he want?

We must find out.

Speak to him, Your Highness.

In his own tongue.

Are ye from Strathclyde,

noble highlander?

Aye,

and my father and his father before.

I will avenge the wrong you've done our honor.

When did they have time to choreograph this?

None here would dishonor ye,

nor your kinfolk.

You have stolen the sacred horn of Strathclyde.

You pilfering rascal!

I'll have your guts for garters.

Hey! Hey Gretta!

I think you guys are taking this a little bit too far.

The horn!

What?

Get the horn!

Hurry Sir Dwight!

Or he'll have all of our guts for garters!

What does that even mean?

This is not for show!

Hurry!

Boy 2: Hey Dwight!

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Woo!

Princess!

Get the horn.

Gretta!

I return this horn

of Strathclyde to its rightful owner,

and offer ye the Woodchuck's deepest apologies.

I accept your apology, ya wee beastie.

Oh, let's get you home now where ya belong,

ya wee troublemaker.

Long live the Woodchuck!

Huzzah!

You're sure it's not the plague?

Yeah.

Or the scourge?

Mm-hm.

Or the pestilence?

Just regular old food poisoning.

Well, then there's no time to waste.

You must swallow a piece of charcoal.

Why would I do that?

It will absorb the poison from your stomach.

Oh.

How did anybody survive the middle ages?

Would someone please clear the battlefield

of fishnets?

Sounds like two more points for us.

Our victory is assured and our honor is maintained

thanks to the Woodchuck.

Thanks to you.

Really.

You guys came through for me today when I needed it.

It was our privilege Sir Dwight.

After all the times you've come to our aid.

There you are pumpkin!

Dwight, you look awful.

I, I just, I just need...

Aw.

That.

I needed that.

You know what else you need?

Some chicken noodle soup.

Thank you.

Oh.

I am being summoned.

After that show,

I'm not sure what you can do for an encore.

I still have a few more moves.

Go get 'em, Woody.

Oh my!

Sorry, sorry.

Not in the car.

Long live the Woodchuck!

Ha, ha!