Original subtitles

Hey Gretta, Nana and I are doing some decluttering.

Got anything for Goodwill?

Who's Good Will?

Yeah, the less fortunate.

Anything you want to donate?

Oh, for the poor box.

Mmm, I fear all of these things are essential.

What's in this?

Half a dead mouse, I believe.

Ah, why do you have half a dead mouse?

I suppose you're right.

You may take it for the poor.

What happened to the other half?

It's a grim tale.

It all began--

Stop.

I don't want to know.

What's in here?

That just looks like old mail.

Just adding clutter to your lives.

A good rule is,

if you haven't opened it in two years,

you should just throw it out.

So how about we make two stacks?

One for keep, and one for shred.

Oh, very well.

What vision of beauty is this?

Hey, what about this bust of King Azret the Grim?

Gretta?

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric

cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead,

they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

Halt!

Halt, kind sir.

A gift?

No.

That's your newspaper.

You paid for it.

What is your name, gallant stranger?

Huh?

Todd.

Todd.

There is music in the sound.

And where do you hail from, fair Todd?

What?

She means where do you live?

Oh, um, the new neighborhood

behind the Walmart.

Sir Todd of Behind the Walmart.

The honor of making your acquaintance

has been the bright spot of my life.

Huh?

How thrilling it is to watch you ply your trade.

You're doing a great job with those papers.

Oh, it's pretty easy.

I got a bike.

How nobly you sit upon it.

Sir Dwight, a self-me.

Quickly.

I wish to remember this moment.

I am absolutely not going to do that.

I gotta go.

Oh, you may take my favor and carry it with you

to inspire and protect you in battle.

That's okay.

I got Kleenexes.

Farewell!

Todd, Todd.

Oh, Todd.

Still no venison at the market.

His name is Todd.

Todd of Behind the Walmart.

That's whose name, Your Highness?

Him!

My one true love!

Your what?

My heart's beat.

My life's meaning.

The light of my bosom.

Please, don't say bosom.

Oh, my sweet Todd.

You know this Todd?

I think she means the paper boy.

I didn't even know people still read newspapers.

Something is amiss.

She has fallen under an enchantment.

Are you sure?

I must devise a way to win his heart.

This pursuit will be my life's mission,

until sweet Todd is my own.

Well, that was terrifying.

Tell me everything!

Uh, let's see.

Well, she was sorting mail.

Here's her stack, she--

She put everything in the keep pile.

That's not the point at all.

Hexela.

Hexela?

Mmm.

I fear she has fallen under a love spell.

When the princess read the words in this letter,

she fell deeply in love with the first person she saw.

Todd on his paper route.

Come, Sir Dwight.

A confrontation is in order.

The entrance is barred.

"Friends, one and all,

"the salon is closed this week

"while I attend a convention.

"The stars are aligned for safe return travel

on Saturday evening."

Saturday evening?

That's three days.

Even then, she will exact a painful price

for breaking the spell.

Well, she can't have Gretta's bones.

We got to stick to our guns on that one.

Assuredly.

She may demand instead a year of servitude

or all the books in my collection.

Even my hand in matrimony.

Really?

Hey, man.

You could do a lot worse.

Whatever her price, rest assured,

it will be high.

Well, you're a magician, Baldric.

Can't you just break the spell?

If my scepter were in one piece.

Man, you're really hung up on that.

Look, don't allow your limitations to define you.

This is your chance to see what you can do

without a magic scepter holding you back.

And so I shall.

Enter!

Any change?

See for yourself.

Oh, your timing is superb.

I have just finished my work.

What do you think?

It's great.

I have been thinking.

I must do something special for my Todd.

Something fragrant and savory that says,

you are invited to feast at my table.

Of love!

So you're going to cook something?

Oh, certainly not!

Cooking is for cooks.

I will go hire one.

You can't leave in such a state, Highness.

Your enemies are all about.

Consider the danger.

What care I about danger?

After her!

Wait, not like that.

Arm yourself, quickly!

The princess' brain is addled with love.

She cannot defend herself.

You must defend her.

But this is Gretta's favorite sword.

She would never let me--

Gird up your loins and do what must be done!

Please don't say loins.

I'm going to return to my books to find the remedy.

Come on, Gretta, can you stay focused here?

To the tavern, and back.

That's the mission.

You worry too much, Sir Dwight.

Look at this beautiful day.

Look at these flowers!

Look at that perfectly shaped cloud

that looks exactly like Todd!

I would have said bunny.

There it is!

Huh.

That place is new.

The best cooks in the village.

Only the best for my Todd.

Smell that roasting flesh.

What is it?

What do you mean, what is it?

It is quite obviously a glazed hog's head.

Actually, you're right.

It is quite obviously a glazed hog's head.

Won't Todd be surprised and overwhelmed?

That is a guarantee.

He'll be here any minute!

Hurry!

Todd!

'Tis but a small token of my esteem!

Todd!

Todd!

Come back!

Todd, come back!

I made it just for you!

Todd!

I fashioned this mask out of pixie wings

and the hairs of a unicorn tail.

When I wear it,

I can read the enchanted letter

without the enchantment taking effect on me.

That's great,

'cause this is getting way out of hand.

Here we go.

All right.

My sweet, darling, Baldy-boo--

Baldy-boo?

Uh, let's just skip ahead to the pertinent part.

Ah!

"When you read these words,

"you will assume the love mind

"and will fall deeply in love

with the first person you behold."

Go on, go on!

That's all it says.

Well, we knew that!

I'd hoped for slightly more information.

Now, now, let's just take a moment

to appreciate the mask, mmm?

Oh, ah!

I worked all morning on this.

You know what?

Great work.

Really, Baldric.

We'll get some tape later and we'll put it on the fridge.

Yes!

I was too forward.

I see it now.

My Todd is a discerning soul.

Of course he could never be impressed

by a brazen hog's head!

He appreciates subtlety.

Mystery.

Romance.

Here, I'll put your pig in the fridge.

When he comes on the morrow,

he will see the princess of his imaginings.

The lady spoken of in legend and song.

Sir Dwight, would you kindly rid us

of the angels in the tower?

The light was right,

I had the flower petals, the choir.

What more can a maiden do, Baldric?

Hey, you guys were really awesome.

Great job, really.

Really, thank you so much.

Yeah, you can keep the wings.

That's real gold.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

You were really, really, really, really good.

Really good, guys.

Hey, maybe it's not meant to be, Gretta.

I mean, you're a royal warrior princess

from a thousand years ago,

and Todd is a seventh-grade paper boy

from Woodside.

Plus, everybody knows print is dead.

You really want a guy with no future?

That's it.

Sir Dwight, you must tell me at once

the secrets of love in your time!

How does a woman win a man's heart here?

Whoa, no, no, no, no, no!

You're not roping me into this circus.

What? Why not?

Because you don't really love Todd, Gretta!

What happened was you read a magic love letter

that turned your brain into silly putty.

You're jealous.

Jealous?

Chlodwig?

What ho, brother!

Does he have kitchen privileges now?

No!

Unhand that hog, sir.

I couldn't help but overhear

that you were in need of some sage advice

on the subject of love.

You are in luck,

for no one knows more of love than Chlodwig.

I have to stop you right there.

Oh, Chlodwig!

What torments I am suffering!

Every moment spent without my sweet Todd is agony!

You tried a hog's head?

It failed!

Hmm.

All you need is a cunning ploy.

Does he have a pet?

I don't know.

Well, if he does, you should kidnap it.

Here we go.

He'll come to you with his sorrows,

and when you return his pet to him,

he'll be so happy he'll--

Call the cops and get a restraining order.

I've got it!

You must simply contrive a way

to put the boy's life in peril.

Perhaps with a pack of wolves,

or a legion of orcs.

And then you must contrive a way to rescue him,

but in the nick of time.

Oh!

What could be simpler?

Literally anything would be simpler.

Huzzah!

Behold the answer.

The Woodside Mall?

Come, Baldric, we leave at once.

Gretta doesn't need a bunch of stuff she doesn't need.

What she needs is you to magician up,

and break Hexela's spell.

Begging your pardon, Highness,

but there's an urgent matter that demands my attention.

Oh.

Sir Dwight?

How about we go to the mall another time,

and now we get the couch off the front lawn?

Come on, it'll be fun!

I think I'll leave that to you, Sir Dwight.

I have exhausted myself.

I shall go lie down in my chamber.

Good idea.

You've had a big day.

Chlodwig!

You once promised you would do anything for me.

I am bound by my word, Princess.

To the Woodside Mall.

Come on.

Sir Dwight, take a look at this.

Heaven preserve us.

My Todd will be here presently.

This is your moment, cuz.

Was that a--

We're under siege!

Run! Run!

Everyone in the house!

Dwight, run!

Go, Princess!

Go, Chlodwig!

My Todd is stranded in the field of battle.

He may be caught in the fray.

Good news is Todd's fine.

Oh, thank heaven!

Bad news is,

I don't think he's going to be coming

around here anymore.

A miniature catapult.

A clever youth, this Todd of Behind the Walmart.

He's not coming?

He does not wish to see me.

I understand.

My life is meaningless!

Every moment of misery since I was a babe

in my mother's womb!

Please don't say womb.

What be the clock, Sir Dwight?

It's almost 6:00.

Hexela should have arrived at her shop by now.

Let us away, at once!

Away?

And leave me here in my wretchedness?

It is time we resolved this.

Sir Dwight!

I'll hold down the fort.

Still barred.

Where is the witch?

It's a pull, not a push.

Hexela.

Baldric!

Always a pleasure.

Recognize this, Hexela?

It was found among my belongings.

Yes, it tastes like one of mine.

But it must be very old.

You really should throw away old mail, you know.

If you haven't read it in two years.

Thank you.

Princess Gretta has fallen

under the enchantment.

I have come to demand

that you release her from this spell.

Hmm.

Well, I shall require payment, of course.

We've been through this.

The Princess is keeping every one of her bones.

Even the little ones.

Shh.

No.

No, no.

This time I will require payment

from you.

One moment, please.

Yes.

The cost could be dear.

A year of servitude, my magic books.

Marriage.

Or something even worse.

Todd's eyes are blue.

Name your price, Madam.

Well, as you can see,

I was just sitting down to tea.

You, Baldric, must join me.

Join you?

For tea.

It's getting cold.

Do you agree to the terms or not?

Yes.

I agree.

That is, I should be delighted.

Excellent.

Hmm.

Smile pretty.

Gretta, Gretta!

Are you okay?

Are you you?

Where am I, and why do my feet hurt?

Gretta, tell me about Todd.

Tell me about his eyes.

What are you doing with my sword?

What did I tell you about touching my sword?

You're going to chop your own head off.

She's back.

Have fun, you two.

Come on.

Hold!

You may give these to Good William with my compliments.

Will do.

And these may be turned to shreds.

The news chronicle has arrived.

Good shot, Master Todd!

I hope all this fits in the car.

My first experience with love.

And it was a catastrophe.

Highness.

That was not love.

A mortifying catastrophe.

You were bewitched.

Real love is a different thing altogether.

It is?

You'll know it when you find it.

Got some shoes.

Great.