Original subtitles

Aargh!

Aah!

You fail!

What?

What the heck?

Lesson number one: danger is everywhere.

Chlodwig, man, we gotta talk about boundaries.

That is a much later lesson.

For now, we begin with the basics.

Of what?

Your training, Sir Dwight.

I will teach you the ways of the warrior.

Oh, wow.

I--I'm good.

Yeah, really.

I appreciate the thought--

It is my privilege, brother,

to repay the debt of gratitude that I owe you.

You will be my greatest achievement.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta,

and she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric,

cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead,

they got me.

Aah!

Ow!

Ooh.

Highness!

Little Debbie has made more honey buns!

Huzzah.

Ooh.

Big, hairy me.

Ooh.

Hm.

Aaah.

Really, guys?

Are we trying to trash the neighborhood?

Mmm.

Ah.

Your mail.

Come on, dude.

Heigh-ho, mortal boy.

I am a mortal like thee, and so I need a few things

from the mortal realm.

'Kay.

There's four things that matter not at all to anyone.

I need them for no important purpose.

Mmm.

Baldric, buddy, I think you should lay off the sugar.

A rare, beautiful bird called a phoenix.

Hast thou seen one?

I would like to have one for no reason.

Uh, they sell birds at the pet store.

The pet store has a phoenix.

That is not exciting at all.

Does the pet store have a wishing well also?

I'm afraid not.

If not the pet store, then where?

Where?

Wishing well!

I-I think there's one at the mall.

I mean, it's more of a fountain

than a well, actually.

The mall has a wishing well in the form of a fountain.

That is so uninteresting and not important.

Hey Gretta, can you come in here for a sec?

Another mortal thing I need,

but not as a matter of life and death

is the milk of a goat.

Dost thou have a goat, mortal boy?

Hmm?

A goat?

What's amiss?

You tell me.

I just saw him eat half a jar of jam.

You know how many grams of sugar are--

Sugar?

Is this thy goat?

Hmm?

No.

This is Gretta.

And you are?

I am a large, hairy mortal man.

And I must go.

I have no urgent business.

The others are not waiting for me.

Would you like a sweet drink before you leave?

Sweet.

Give.

Give it to me!

Yes.

Young mortal.

Hurry, hurry!

Slow mortal.

Give, give.

To your health.

Foul, foul.

Horrid, wretched mortals!

After him!

Wow, he moves fast for a big man.

Let's not waste time.

Is Baldric having a nervous breakdown?

Baldric has been inhabited.

Sorry?

Possessed.

By what?

A fairy.

What does it want?

Did it tell you why it came here?

Uh, it wanted a lot of weird stuff.

Uh, a bird.

I told it to go to the pet store.

Well, to the pet store.

With haste!

And then what?

Let's say we get him.

Then what do we do?

We extract the fairy from Baldric's brain.

Ew.

I pray we're not too late.

Can I help you, sir?

Hail, skinny mortal.

I have come for the phoenix.

Sorry?

The bird.

Rare and beautiful.

You mean a parrot?

Maybe.

Are the tail feathers long and glorious?

I think they're nice.

Oh.

Show me the bird!

Right this way.

Oh, ho, ho.

Sweet?

No, no, sir, these are rolled in sea salt.

Ah!

Where is thy wishing well, hideous mortal?

My what?

I need coins from a wishing well.

I will not tell thee what for.

There are coins in the fountain outside.

Hi.

Excuse me.

Have you seen a, uh, large-ish gentleman

come in here, dressed a little old-timey.

You mean the guy in the Gandalf costume

who ripped the tail feathers off of this parrot?

And chugged four bottles of hummingbird food before

thrashing this display?

That may have been him.

Tail feathers.

I don't like it.

Poor parrot.

What else did the fairy say?

What does it want?

Uh...

A wishing well.

The mall!

He's collecting things.

Why?

A fairy rite.

We have to find Baldric.

I have found it!

Art thou a she-goat?

What?

I've almost completed my task.

The others will be pleased.

I need only the milk of a goat.

Oh!

Cow's milk isn't an option?

Are cows goats?

No.

Goat milk.

We have almond milk.

Is it from a goat?

It's from almonds.

We also have soy milk and lactose-free milk.

Which of these is from the goat?

Neither one.

How about rice milk?

Goat milk!

We have goat cheese.

Good enough.

Hi!

Excuse me, have you seen a big man

with a beard and a robe that acts a little crazy?

You're talking about that Moses dude

swimming in the fountain?

Let's say yes.

Hey, Nana.

Hey, sugar pie.

Quick thing, uh, have you seen Baldric?

Why?

Because, um, I have.

Just now, uh, jaywalking across Sequoia Street

soaking wet.

Sequoia Street!

By Bembi's Groceries.

I would have stopped, but I'm teaching Pilates.

No worries, Nana.

We got this.

I know you do.

Kisses.

Oh!

He's by Bembi's Grocery.

What'd you find out?

The fairy took coins from the fountain.

Look, I don't like to judge,

but this fairy is kind of a jerk.

Ah, geez.

Chlodwig!

You fail again.

Lesson two: Peril lurks in every corner.

Isn't that kind of like lesson one?

Danger's everywhere?

We have no time for sport, you cumber grounds.

Off with you, then.

But be always on your guard, my young protégé.

Good morrow to you too.

Gretta!

Chlod--

Sweet!

Um... security?

Big fat crazy guy?

Baldric!

Baldric!

Fairies love sugar, huh?

They can't get enough.

I think this one's had enough.

He is having a major sugar crash.

No, don't wake it.

The fairy is in a stupor.

Now is the time to dislodge it.

How?

Salt!

A lot of it.

Excuse me.

We're gonna need more.

Hurry!

How do you know so much about fairies?

My father was eaten by fairies.

Oh, right.

I'm sorry.

I won't let that happen to Baldric.

Get out!

Fairies!

Cover your ears!

Ahh!

Dwight!

Ow.

Ow!

Ow.

Enough!

Who is talking?

Is that I?

Why do I sound like that?

Where's Hissim?

Here, milady Mugwart.

For shame, Hissim!

Look at thyself!

Silence!

We should not have trusted thee with a task

of such import.

But milady Mugwart, all is done.

I have the feathers from the rare bird.

I have the wishing coins.

Wishing coins.

I have the goat's milk in the form of cheese.

Ah, ah!

And the last object?

I have the chest hairs of a magician!

Many, many of them!

Ouch.

Sisters, let's away!

So long we have been outcast

in this foul realm with its stinky mortals.

Today, we return to fairy land,

never again to flutter our wings in this horrid place.

Dill, begin the right to open the fairy ring.

Okay.

I am beautiful.

Ta-da!

Oh!

Hissim?

A feather from the tail of a phoenix.

A coin cast for a wish.

Milk from a mother goat.

Topped with the chest hair from a mortal mage.

Can I go?

Can I go?

Dwight : Sisters!

We can go home!

But not without a gift for the fairy queen!

Think, think, sisters, what do we have?

We have big bodies full of mortal stuff?

Yes, yes, the fairy queen could...

Gobble them up!

A feast for all of fairy land!

The fairy queen will be so pleased with us!

The ring is closing!

What hast thou done?!

They had no phoenix at the pet store, milady.

It was... a parrot.

Ah!

Jump through, before it vanishes!

Agh!

Yah!

You fail a third time.

Lesson one, remember?

Release us, mortal!

Danger is everywhere, as I have demonstrated.

We must leave these mortal bodies!

But our feast.

Lesson two, name it, Sir Dwight.

A pox on thy innards and entrails!

Peril lurks in every corner.

Have you forgotten so soon?

Dwight : I will devour thee on toast

with mint jelly!

Now for lesson three:

Jeopardy is ever present.

Those all mean the same thing!

Out!

Out!

Get out if you ever wish to see fairy land again!

You filthy, stinking, mortal!

Baldric?

Sir Dwight.

Ah, ah, ah.

Fairies, eh?

Nice try, Chlodwig!

Ah.

Lesson four: Menace is all about.

Captioned byBYUtv.