Original subtitles

Hm.

Huh.

Hm.

Uh hey, ma'am.

Excuse me, that's... you can't do that.

Good morrow.

Greetings, my lovely.

I bring you a token of affection

from your secret admirer.

Admirer?

Who?

That's the secret part.

My goodness, you are positively ancient!

You must be the oldest person I have ever laid eyes on.

It's just astonishing.

How is it possible you're so old and still living?

It's a trade secret.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago

there was this princess, Gretta,

and she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric

cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's big scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead, they got me.

Ah!

Ow!

So, what's your plan with all these turnips?

Hey!

Princess...?

Whoa, Baldric!

Oh.

Baldric!

You okay?

The flowers.

What?

The flowers!

What happened?

Don't smell the flowers!

Gretta, can you get out here please?

She's gone, Sir Dwight.

The flowers are bewitched

and the culprit has taken the princess.

Are you sure?

We need a, uh,

a cart or a carriage of some sort.

What for?

To rush to the princess's rescue.

No, you're not rushing anywhere big guy.

The princess has been kidnapped.

Abducted!

Seized!

Stolen!

Captured.

I get it, fine, I get it!

Don't worry, we'll find her, okay?

Don't move!

I've been rendered immobile,

you featherhead!

Hail, brother.

Oh, hail Chlodwig.

Um, I can't talk right now, I'm on a mission.

Indeed.

Of what sort?

Baldric's under some kind of floppy spell

and we gotta find Gretta.

Ah, might I render you some assistance, Sir Dwight?

Yeah.

You absolutely might.

There are only a handful of witches

who could conjure a languid spell of this potency.

Princess Gretta is in mortal peril.

Not if she has her phone with her.

I just have to pick her on Find My Friends,

and got her.

Ah yes, lead the charge Sir Dwight.

Uhh...

Yes, quickly.

Lead us where?

That way.

That way, go!

Quickly!

Straight.

Straight.

Straight.

Straight.

Faster.

Watch the bumps.

A thousand pardons.

You pair of poopnoddies.

Hey man, I know you're frustrated

but there is no need for insults.

That was an insult, right?

Indeed, it was.

Are you men or a couple of...

One of you scratch my nose.

Take it.

It's all you.

It would be my honor.

No, no no no-- the other side.

And fiercely.

Ahh.

Now go!

Go with haste.

Warmer, warmer.

She should be right over there.

Come on.

She should be here.

So I found this broken phone by the churro place...

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Excuse me, hi.

Where did you get this phone?

Um, found it over by the churro place.

Release the princess or die!

Chlodwig!

Stand down, man.

No.

I'm sorry 'bout that, buddy.

We're on a um... a role play scavenger hunt.

It's a, a thing.

So maybe you can help us out.

We're trying to find a warrior princess girl.

And a witch.

And a buxom wench.

Another time.

Have you seen anybody acting weird?

Think hard.

Ummm, how 'bout him?

Yeah, for sure.

You got the right idea.

Definitely him.

I don't disagree.

Uh, or him?

What did you say?

Is that Norwegian?

Flemish.

It is jabberspeak.

I know of only one witch who can command that spell.

How's my hair?

Did you see where she went?

Speak plainly, fool.

We know you know!

Hey, hey, back off.

We need answers!

But we don't need to be terse about it, okay?

Oohh, you're a knight, you're a knight.

You're better than this.

I'm really sorry about that.

They're doing a role play scavenger hunt.

He's a knight, he's a wizard, and he's, uh...

I just push the wheelbarrow, man.

They still need a princess and a buxom wench.

Cancel the buxom wench.

It is the witch we must find.

I'm sorry?

Hey, look!

After the witch!

Can you hit one, please?

Did you see that?

A twitch.

And a wiggle.

Ahh!

That witch's spell is no match for me!

Oomf.

Out of the way, peasants!

Quickly.

Excuse us.

Wide load, sorry.

What lies beyond this market place?

Nothing, just the woods.

The second you become annoying, the gag goes back.

What do you want, witch?

What everyone wants, Princess.

Unhand me at once!

This is your final warning.

Ow!

The spell grows weaker by the moment.

Look how well I can bend my knees.

I see Gretta.

And the witch?

Oh, don't be such a baby,

you won't even miss it.

I know that voice.

Does my beard look unkempt?

Uh, it looks about like normal.

Well, smooth it out.

What?

Why?

And my eyebrows, too.

Quickly, quickly!

Yes, smooth, smooth.

It's just one little finger.

You act like you don't have none others.

On my feet.

No time to lose.

There.

She must not sense weakness.

Is my nose clean of protrusions?

Clean enough.

Ew.

Oh, dear.

I cannot face her like this.

You know this witch?

My scepter is destroyed and I cannot stay on my feet.

But she doesn't have to know that, does she?

You have a plan, Sir Dwight?

More like a preliminary outline of a plan.

Stay back!

But we're goin' with it.

Let me untie your cloak.

You may not have my finger.

It belongs to me.

Don't you think you're being a little bit selfish?

Honestly, such a fuss.

Grrrr!

Noooo!

Hexelaaaa!

I beg your pardon, ancient hag.

I mistook you for another.

And yet, there is something familiar.

Are you perhaps the great, great, great grandmother

of a witch named Hexela?

Are you perhaps

the fat, fat, obesely fat, twin brother

of a second-rate magician named Baldric?

Ahhh.

Hexela.

The years have been unkind to you.

And the porridge has been unkind to you.

We have come for the princess!

We?

Uh, by which I mean myself.

Alone.

For, I have...

Come on, Chlodwig.

Sell it.

...the valor of a dozen men.

Baldric, stop.

All I need is a single bone from a princess.

The smallest of her finger bones will suffice.

And then I shall return her to you, unharmed.

Unharmed?

You shall not take a hair of her head!

Oh, how funny.

Actually, the prime elixir does call for

a lock of hair from a maiden's head.

So, thank you.

Ow!

You cannot have Princess Gretta's bones.

Not even a finger!

Mmm.

You don't look that bad.

You just look... experienced.

And you look well-fed.

Hexela, I will not stand for this!

Oh dear.

You smelt the flowers, didn't you?

Oh, I'm delighted to know the romantic in you

is still alive and well under all that girth.

And I'm delighted to know that the witch

is still as skilled as ever under all those wrinkles.

Mmm.

And who are you two?

You are in the presence of Prince Chlodwig, the--

Nevermind, I don't care.

Whether you care or not,

I am Prince Chlodwig the Unstable.

And this is Sir Dwight, champion to the princess.

Champion?

This soft, rising mound of bread dough?

The very same.

This porcelain chamber pot?

Enough!

Release me or Sir Dwight will snap your frail bones

one by one.

I'm not gonna do that.

Come, brother.

For Guy Club!

Chlodwig!

You-- he's-- you,

you turned a living person into--

Something useful.

Ahh, ah, my aching bones.

You monster!

Ah, it'll wear off.

Fuss, fuss, fuss, fuss.

You have no idea how far I've travelled to get here.

And every mile shows on your face.

Such a scene over nothing.

The finger will grow back.

Except that fingers don't grow back?

And that's my fault?

So... so, so.

What are you cookin'?

It's my prime elixir.

It will return me to my physical peak.

Really, how does that work?

Oh stand back, chamber pot.

You'll ruin the recipe!

I didn't touch it.

If a hair or an eyelash or even a fleck of your skin

falls into the cauldron,

the whole thing will turn to sludge.

It's time.

Hexela!

Hexela, don't!

Ohhh!

You picked the wrong princess.

Excuse me.

What?!

Your, your soup's bubbling.

And I'm gonna spit in it.

No!

Then drop the cleaver.

Don't.

Don't.

Mm, now what chamber pot, hm?

You have my elixir, and I have your princess.

Ah, ahh.

Well, we trade.

The elixir needs the princess's bones!

The princess needs the princess's bones.

Baldric, please.

For old time's sake.

You wouldn't leave me looking like this.

Loose your spittle, Sir Dwight.

No!

Stop!

It seems we've arrived at an impasse.

Perhaps...

Perhaps not.

Come on, man.

That's a person.

There is another way.

You have another princess?

No.

I have princess bones.

Don't worry, buddy.

Hang in there.

I got your, uh, back?

Whoa, hey!

No, no!

Not there.

Not on him.

It's starting to clump!

I'll give that magician of yours one minute more.

How far is the royal vault?

South tower.

Not far.

I have been excessively generous.

Uh, I wouldn't say excessively.

Or generous.

Now it's your turn.

Choose a finger, Princess!

Ahhhh!

Wait no, please leave Chlodwig--

ahhh!

out of this!

Gahhh!

Behold, I've got them!

Quickly, quickly!

It's okay.

It's okay, bud.

What are these?

Teeth.

Ahhh.

Whose teeth?

Your teeth from when you were a baby.

Wait, no no no!

Can we keep all of our butts off of Chlodwig?

Please?

You kept my baby teeth?

Aren't they adorable?

How quickly the years have flown.

Each little tooth brings back a precious memory.

Ahhh!

Well that was promising.

To my health.

Ahhh.

Ha.

Ha!

Now, Hexela.

Remember, I made no assurance this would work.

Noooo!

What is happening?

Probably food poisoning.

She was kinda askin' for it.

Hold me!

Hexela?

Oh.

Better.

Hexela.

You are just as I remember you.

And you are as darling as ever... Baldric.

Mm.

Arms and legs in symphony.

Cool...

You've changed, Baldric.

A pound or two, a few gray hairs.

Oh, it's not that.

You're as handsome as ever.

True.

It's that little girl of yours.

Maybe you should take it easy...

She's changed you.

I've been laying all day, I want to sprint...

Yeah, you've also been

under a witch's spell all day,

I don't know how that works but...

Where will you go now?

This is not the world we knew.

Don't worry about me, love.

I can take care of myself.

Indeed.

Hey!

Nice try, nut job.

Chamber pot!

Almost lost you, buddy.

That is a whole lot of turnip pies.

Yes, well we have much to celebrate.

Princess Gretta is safe and sound.

A most fortunate thing you kept my baby teeth

all these years.

Yes.

Fortunate, and a little weird.

Mommy had my baby teeth

sewn into a little pocket in her girdle.

That way she would always have

little pieces of her baby with her.

Good to have you back, bro.

Catch!

Mm.

♪ Gonna get a new boy.

♪ Gonna move away fast.

♪ Nothing to go back to.

♪ Who-o-oh.

♪ I've had enough.

♪ Never again.

♪ No, no, no, no.

♪ Who-o-oh.

♪ Never again.

♪ No, no.