Original subtitles

♪ There's a light in my chest ♪

♪ growing deep down

♪ She's talking for the best, but she's so loud ♪

Hey, Dwight.

Coming to farmer's market later?

Yeah, wouldn't miss it.

Want a strawberry?

Organic?

Of course.

So, I'm almost done with my piece

about the endangered belly button owl.

Patty says she'll put it in next week's paper

if I have it and a photo in her inbox by 8 o'clock.

She only wants an original photo

from Woodside Woods.

I'm slammed today, Jules.

Hey, Dwight.

You helping with the school fundraiser?

Sure am.

Bingo night?

You know it.

Please, Dwight.

It would be raising awareness for a vanishing species.

'Kay--

I will dedicate my Pulitzer to you someday.

I'll work it in.

Yes!

You're the best.

Make sure to bring the prize baskets

to the multipurpose room by 6:00 in cellophane.

Will do, Mick.

Done, done, done, done.

Okay, Juliet's owl.

♪ Tell me why Tell me why ♪

There you are.

Ah!

Ah!

Ahh!

No, no, no!

Mortal enemy, or harmless peasant?

Wait!

Hold, Your Highness!

It worked.

Look around you.

Shall I kill this foe or not?

He is not a foe.

I regret to say, Your Highness,

this is him.

Whom?

The one.

You know, the last hope.

The only solution?

Him?

The spell worked, Princess.

This is the champion we've been waiting for.

This little wiggling worm?

Hey.

It appears so.

This mucus-y little toad?

Hey, whoa, whoa.

Why the name calling?

This little rabbit pellet

is the one who is supposed to protect--

Okay, okay, okay.

We don't have to see eye to eye on everything.

We can respect each other's differences, right?

Yeah?

Get me another champion, Baldric.

I dearly wish I could,

but the rules of the spell are inflexible.

It was his kiss that woke you.

Oh, no.

No no, no.

Hold up.

I did not kiss her.

Am I awake?

Then you kissed me.

No, total accident.

I fell on my face

and you were under it.

Should have read the contract.

The, the what?

"By waking this Princess with your kiss,

"you agree to perform the office and function

"of her Champion until her hordes of enemies

are defeated."

Okay, you guys are obviously going

through some stuff right now,

and, uh, you're off your medication.

There is a gas leak.

I-I don't know.

You see, I can't make

other people's problems my problems.

You see, I tend to do that

and it's not healthy or productive in the long term.

And plus, I'm already committed

to the school fundraising thing

so...

Aaaah!

[growling continues

Ahhh!

Run!

What was that?

Troll.

What are you doing?

Light-headed.

I'm just stabilizing my breathing.

Get off your rump.

These woods are crawling with my foes.

Who are you?

You have the honor

of addressing Princess Gretta the Besieged.

I am her court magician, Baldric.

'Kay. I'm Dwight.

Whoa.

Ow.

Sir Dwight now.

Rise Champion and run.

My enemies are everywhere.

Since when?

Since you kissed Princess Gretta awake.

I did not kiss her.

I suggest we explain while fleeing.

Okay, yeah sure.

It was because of these legions of enemies

that we resorted to the Champion spell.

We were besieged on all sides,

barricaded in the castle, no hope of rescue.

So I cast a spell of last resort.

The Champion spell is what put us all to sleep.

Princess Gretta, myself--

And anyone else in these woods that day.

The spell was designed to remain in effect

until a champion came.

Someone with the courage, the valor, the skills

to defeat the Princess's hordes of enemies.

Instead, we got you.

So,

so when I woke you up...

With your kiss.

Accidental kiss.

You woke up everyone.

The spell is broken.

We're back.

Whither are we bound?

Woodside High.

What time is it?

Her Royal Highness,

Princess Gretta.

Well, uh, the Renaissance faire

is setting up right over there.

Uh, Dwight?

I'll pay for this Bill, all right?

I'm- I'm- I'm really sorry.

Were you raised in a barn?

No, a cliffside fortress.

Then, a desert fortress, a swamp fortress,

an underground fortress,

and finally, a forest fortress.

This is a spectacular plum.

People are staring at you.

I'm starving.

I haven't eaten in--

Over a thousand years.

Sorcery.

Okay...

Hey, there.

Mortal enemy or harmless peasant?

Also, you're gonna kill the shrubs.

Whoa, whoa. Okay.

What is that?

This is Juliet.

Hey.

Kneel, wench.

You are in the presence of her royal--

No, no, no, no.

That is not how we are going to do this.

This is my turf, now.

What we are going to call Nice...

Nice Turf.

Oh my gosh.

You got the Shakespeare Improv Troupe?

Uh no, they're...

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, we'll go with that.

I thought they were booked until June.

Good e'en.

Welcome to our fair village.

We require wine and venison.

We don't have either of those things.

Here is your belly button owl.

Whoa.

Nice work, Dwight.

Come on.

Let's go.

Bye.

What means this procession?

Bingo night.

Bingo night...

N-31.

Her Royal Highness--

Save it...

Dumbledore.

Stay.

Thanks for the call, Dwight.

I am so sorry, Mick.

I was in the woods and I fell

and you're not gonna believe it--

Whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Russell did the cellophane.

Bingo.

Congratulations.

'Kay, come on down and pick out a basket.

Food.

Move!

Oh, that'll be one dollar.

Insolent wench.

It is your great honor to feed Princess Gretta.

I got this.

Here.

What are you doing?

Caution first, Your Highness.

Taste this.

No.

It's pure carbs inside fructose corn syr-- Okay.

Now we see if the poison takes effect.

No.

Nobody poisoned the Rice Krispie treats.

We shall see.

Okay.

Are you insane?

I am a princess,

which means my life has been under constant threat

since the moment my mother birthed me.

Ew.

I've been fighting for survival

since I was old enough to hold a sword.

How old was that?

Two.

Oh.

Young Man: Hey, Dwight.

Who's your friend?

Oh, n-n-no!

Harmless peasant.

So sorry, Charles.

You okay, you good?

Great.

Nice Turf, remember?

So your childhood sucked, right?

Your life is under constant threat.

I get it, but not, and I repeat,

not from the glee club president.

Every guy you see is not trying to kill you.

Okay, that guy's trying to kill you.

Sir Dwight, do something!

What?

You are honor bound to protect Princess Gretta.

She's doing fine.

Oh!

Okay. Okay, okay, man.

Hey, we all know violence is never the answer, right?

Save your breath, Champion.

Champion?

Him?

Sadly, yes.

This spineless tadpole?

I know.

This snivelling little weakling?

Can we not do this again?

Encore, encore!

He'll return with her to the woods,

to a world that is familiar.

Okay.

That's his plan.

What's yours?

If you were a proper champion,

you would undertake the rescue yourself.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,

I'm a freakin' hero just for giving your butt a ride,

or your princess girl is not my problem.

Oh, but she is.

Your fate and hers became one the moment you kissed her.

I did not kiss her.

You pressed your lips firmly against--

Okay, stop.

You are not only honor bound

to protect Princess Gretta,

you are spellbound.

I'm gonna hate what you say next, huh?

If the princess dies,

so does her champion.

So, I could die then?

What kind of nutjob came up with that?

Oh, yeah.

Right, you.

As I said, it was a spell of last resort.

Let me go this instant you...

Call me...

Sugar plum.

Chlodwig?

None other, my darling.

This is the happiest day of my life!

Release me this instant, Chlodwig.

Honestly, I've tried to be nice.

Hark, wedding bells.

Dearly beloved...

Good grief, you're annoying.

...we are gathered here for a most joyous event.

You've been good to my baby.

I'm giving him to you forever.

All you people are nuts, huh?

I will never marry you, Chlodwig.

But we are betrothed.

Mummy and daddy promised you to me.

We were three years old,

and then you turned into a lunatic.

I am a prince.

No one tells me no.

I am a princess,

and I'm telling you no.

You'll marry me or...

Or I'll feed you to the dragon.

Ah!

See?

See how much I love you?

Stop him.

How?

Brute force, naturally.

I don't do brute force.

What do you do?

I do...

diplomacy.

I do diplomacy.

This is the last time I use the Champion spell.

Hey, man.

Hey, Gretta.

Whoa, hey, no.

I, I didn't come here to fight.

You came to die, then?

No. I...

I came to bring you up to speed.

It's been, what?

A thousand years since you last,

you know, circulated?

It's a different world now.

I just want to make sure that you have the skills

to survive and thrive.

You come from yon village?

Yon village is called Woodside.

Nice town, great schools.

Lots of kids our age.

You'd fit... right in.

My society was limited growing up.

Mummy didn't like me to leave the castle.

Good news is, mummy isn't here right now,

and there is a whole world out there, man.

But I'm on a quest to win the hand of Princess Gretta

by fair means or foul.

Yeah, turns out that's not a good quest.

She's just not that into you, man.

It sucks, but we've all been there.

Welcome to guy club.

Guy Club.

Thank you.

You've earned it?

So, Guy Club.

We have a few simple rules.

I love rules.

Me too.

First rule is,

we don't feed girls to dragons.

Sorry, that's kind of a,

kind of a charter rule.

Here's what you do instead.

You write a sad poem in your journal.

You learn a few chords on guitar

and you turn that sad poem

into a sad song that you sing to other girls.

I already know a few chords on the lute.

Oh, not the lute.

Lute works too.

You're already way ahead of the game.

Look out, ladies.

Here comes...

Chlodwig.

Chlodwig, right?

But, what of Princess Gretta?

I'll get her down.

You get to that journal

while your inspiration is still white hot.

I am in your debt, Guy Club brother.

Call me, Dwight.

See you in yon village, Dwight.

Uh, uh...

You did it, Sir Dwight!

That was, how did you do that?

Like I said, we're on my turf now.

Nice Turf.

Yeah!

Yeah.

I am the king of Nice Turf.

You are not the champion I expected.

I know, I know.

Rabbit pellet, mucus-y toad.

Grotesque little pustule.

But...

you may be the champion I need.

So, what do we do now?

To stay here would be...

Madness, Your Highness.

But where can we go?

Perhaps that is a question best answered by...

your champion.

My neighbors just put their house up for sale.

Hm.

Walls seem a little flimsy.

Actors.

So, what do you guys think?

With a few fortifications.

We'll salvage what we can.

...to make it more comfortable.

We shall build a lookout tower for Dwight.

Sorry, what?

A moat eventually.

It will do.

Here.

Two hands is best while you're a beginner.

Is this really necessary?

You teach me the rules of your turf,

I teach you the rules of mine.

That's our bargain.

Well done.

For starters, my overall appearance...

Your look is awesome.

Don't change a thing.

'Kay.

So, we fought a troll and a wormy knight guy.

I mean, it's not gonna get much worse than that, right?

Right?

Sir Dwight, get the door.

It might be the pizza peasant.