Original subtitles

Hey, Kevin.

It's June colburn from apartment 23.

We've... we've met several times.

You can just hand me our mail.

Oh, can I, June colburn from apartment 23?

Can I just hand you your mail?

I don't know you.

I say "hi" to you every day.

I donated money to your walk for diabetes.

I made you butter cookies in the shape of stamps.

I'm diabetic.

So the walk was a bust?

My "people" magazine!

This is the last issue

before "people" named

their sexiest man alive.

Every year, my mom and I count down the days

until he is revealed.

It's kind of like Christmas,

but with less Jesus and more sexy.

I don't know how they do it,

but "people" never misses.

Junie depp.

Junezel Washington.

♪♪♪

Damn damn right, Harry Hamlin.

June! Language!

Mmm mmm mmm.

How do they do it?

What's their formula?

I... don't... know.

I have every "sexiest man alive" issue

in a binder next to my bed.

Jackman, Ford, pitt,

Clooney, law, Damon, brosnan...

Where's my sexiest binder alive?

Chloe?

June! Look what I made with my hands!

Oh, god, my "peoples"!

Have you ever heard of a volcanologist?

Jared's a volcanologist. That's his actual job.

And usually that would make him suicidally boring,

but I'm super into volcanoes this week.

And you wanna know the craziest part?

I'm not even juiced right now!

But look what I made!

Damn damn, Hamlin's still got it.

♪ I'm not

perfect, I'm no snitch ♪

♪ But I can tell you ♪

♪ she's a... ♪

♪ Ba da da da da ba, ba da ba ♪

♪ Ba da da da da ba, ba da ba ♪

Channing Tatum? Really?

It's sexiest man alive, June.

Can I finish?

On the planet. Let me finish.

Okay, he has the head of a boy but the bod

of a full grown man.

His movies have grossed

over a billion dollars.

A billion? So we're just

making up facts now?

Okay, you wanna talk facts?

Okay, fact... Channing is a trained dancer.

Fact... he can do both drama and comedy.

Fact... his face was marinated by angels.

Angels?! Now you're bringing religion into this?

Is this hummus old?

Special delivery for June colburn!

Get your morning smoothie here!

Ooh! Peach!

What about Ryan gosling?

No one is more "sexiest man alive" cover material

than that guy.

I mean, besides your dad.

Why can't we just have

regular yellow mustard?

Okay, no more "sexiest man alive" talk.

It... it's like a yearly slap

in the face from that magazine.

They won't even consider me,

which is crazy, 'cause I'm sexy.

Right, Connie?

Good bye.

Why'd she end the call so fast?

She probably had a... a thing... to do.

June?

Look at me, June.

I'm sexy, right?

I mean, I have to be.

I'm on "dancing with the stars."

So was Nancy grace.

What are you saying?

You're not sexy.

I mean, clearly you're handsome.

You have all of the pieces.

They just don't all add up to sexy.

Sexy.

Sexy.

Sexy.

Meh.

I'm not sexy... I am not sexy?

Who's sexier than I am?

Gosling, Beckham, costner, kanye...

Refuse. I refuse this.

Go on.

Cowell, wahlberg, DiCaprio, prince Harry...

Okay. All right. Fine.

Why them and not me?

Because you're the guy

that we want to take us to prom,

to make out with by the creek,

not the guy that's gonna

rip all of our clothes off and ravish us

in the nearest cave.

Oh, but you think cowell will?

Actually, I could kind of see that.

Besides, it's not just the physical stuff.

It's the little details

that "people" digs up, you know?

Clooney had a quirky pet,

and Tom Cruise overcame dyslexia.

It's...

It's the whole package.

I have little details.

I'm right handed, but left footed.

It's better that you're not sexy.

Because we're friends now,

and you bring me a smoothie every day.

James is sexy! What are you talking about?

Who cares what some dumb magazine says?

Thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me,

this tiny family's volcanic vacation's

about to take a very tragic turn.

"Some magazine"?

"People" is on the cutting edge of everything.

You only think those guys are sexy

because "people" magazine

told you to think that.

They could put fozzie bear on the cover,

and you would think he was sexy.

Oh, do not be ridiculous, okay?

I would wanna hug him

because he tries so hard,

but I do not think that he is sexy.

June, you are a sheep

just following the herd.

Maaa.

It's "baaa."

See? You're a sheep.

That was a trap.

You're wrong.

All right, fine.

I'll prove to you

once again that I am right.

Right after I bury

these tiny Italians in lava.

It was their first family vacation, too.

So sad.

Ooh. I know I said this last year,

but, ooh la la, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jake Gyllenhaal.

Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get a latte.

Hi. I'm Chloe, your new managing editor,

just transferred from the London office.

It is so good to be back stateside.

London is filthy, and not in the way you like it.

Where are we on "sexiest"?

Catch me up.

Wait. Who are you?

I'm your boss. Who are you?

Liz. Liz sporkin.

Hello, Liz. You're fired.

Does anyone else have a question?

What happened to Larry?

Good question. You're fired.

Who wants to make it a trifecta?

Hello? Have I been too subtle?

You're fired. Thank you for your years of dedication.

Now please leave.

Uh... Go!

Um... Mm.

Um... Do you know what we need?

A fresh start.

Let's think outside the box.

Let's throw the expected out the window.

That's a very clean window.

Why did I draw male genitalia on the board?

Can someone tell me?

Because it's outside of the box?

No.

Because I felt like it.

Now let's get to work.

Somebody hang up my coat!

Aah!

Bam.

What is that?

Okay, this is not real.

I had them mock this up down at the office.

I became the managing editor

of "people" magazine today.

Yeah, right.

It's true. I've take over

a bunch of companies before.

Volvo, dole, febreze.

You just gotta walk in

like you own the place,

fire the first person

to ask you a question,

fire the second person to ask you a question,

and then gaze out the window

and draw a peen on the board.

It's the traditional intimidation confusion

submission technique.

What, didn't they teach you that

at state university business tech college school?

That will be the cover

of "people" magazine's

sexiest man alive 2012.

June, it's real.

It's happening. React.

June Van Der beek.

Well, why did you stop

looking at the magazine, June?

This is just the cover.

We're gonna do a whole spread.

James on a horse.

Shirt. No pants.

Oh, no! There are no dirty dishes.

I knew you would try to distract yourself

so I threw them all out the window.

Now look at James, June. Look at him!

Admit he's sexy.

Okay, I just got your message.

Did you really get me the cover?

You know it, baby!

Oh, my god.

This...

God, I look amazing.

Is this from our machu picchu trip?

Yeah, it was right after we drank all that old lady's water.

♪ shorty got that what what ♪

♪ Shorty got that good good ♪

♪ Shorty got that what what ♪

♪ Shorty got that good good ♪

♪ Shorty got that what what ♪

♪ Shorty got that good good ♪

♪ Shorty got that what what ♪

Do you really want the cover this way, James?

I mean, don't you wanna...

Don't you wanna earn it?

June, if I waited until I earned something,

there's no way I'd have a beer named after me in Denmark.

Van Der brau?

Ahh!

Van Der brau!

I got that for James, too.

It was right before I was excommunicated from Denmark.

That queen margrethe does not

understand that no means no.

Coming.

They're... they're calling me.

They're calling me.

What's up with her?

Uh, now that you're on the cover,

she thinks you're sexy,

but she won't admit it.

I would love to tease her about it,

but I have to set up your

photo shoot and all of that.

Do me a favor and mess with her for me.

I'll see what I can do.

Who's there?

Oh.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, I'm just bringing my friend

her morning peach smoothie.

No big deal.

But what's this? Oh, my goodness.

I've spilled all over my shirt.

I better take my shirt off.

There we go.

Ooh. Now I've spilled all over

my bare chest.

Look at that.

I am so messy.

Such a messy boy.

I better take a shower.

After I work up a sweat.

One, two, three, four, five, sex,

seven, eight, nine.

Ahh. Shower.

He just gave me blue tubes.

Breathe, or else you'll get a tummy ache.

Here.

Look at these unflattering

pictures of James.

I've collected them over the years

to help me get through moments like this.

Here he is after too much salt.

Uh, brushing his teeth on the toilet.

Hey. I couldn't find any towels.

All you had was this, uh,

this little teensy weensy one.

My tubes.

Something like this.

Arm over here,

sexy over the shoulder thing, handstand...

One armed if he's not a pansy.

Well, I just want to say

that it's been a real pleasure

working with all of you on this issue,

except you, Brenda.

Before you go, can you approve

Jenna elfman for "chatter"?

Jenna elfman? Didn't she just

do "chatter" last year?

Let's get Fran drescher. I hate her voice,

but I love her point of view.

What's cooking in "great ideas"?

"More than one way to skin a catfish"?

Come on, people!

I want corn salads.

I want summer succotash.

Let's dazzle our readers with mangoes.

Ugh. I guess I just have to do everything myself.

Who's on "puzzler"?

"Whoopi blank berg.

Four letters"?

I have no idea.

Make it easier.

Who's on "beauty watch"?

Oh, dear god, Brenda, I hate you.

New idea for the photo shoot.

James' horse tramples and kills Brenda.

♪ ooh, la la la ♪

Corporate wants us

to have a fire drill.

James is just so sexy.

You don't seem to care

about this fire drill.

Oh, god! He's all

I think about all the time!

I can't talk to him, I can't be around him,

I can't even look at him without blushing.

I was on the cover of "time" once.

Crowd shot while I was

occupying wall street.

Pretty sure it was me.

Might have been d.l. Hughley.

I can't tell us apart.

What am I gonna do?

He is my smoothie buddy.

Look, you need to stop thinking of him as sexiest man alive...

And just start thinking of him

as your friend James.

You're right.

He's just James.

Okay... no.

Oh, oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

It's just James.

Oh, no. He has got a quirky, adorable pet

like Clooney's pig.

He's more than just a face! Steady.

Ah, hello, June.

Have you met my pet turtle Stephanie?

She prefers butter lettuce

to all other lettuces.

He's even got an earring like Ford.

Easy.

Just, uh, prepping for my s.M.A. Q & a.

Hit me, Luther.

If you were a bird, what kind would you be?

Hawaiian nene goose,

because they mate for life

and live in Hawaii.

Oh... I can't imagine anything better.

Neither can I.

Oh! God... Oh... Ahh! Mnh!

Come on, man.

The turtle, the earring,

the romantic answers.

Are you doing all this just to mess with June?

Yeah, at first I was, but then I realized,

I'm gonna need to become more dimensional

if I'm gonna be the reigning s.M.A.

After this issue comes out, I won't be able to come in here

without getting mobbed.

Good bye, it's just beans.

I've enjoyed our time together.

But now I'm like...

New Orleans

before the levees burst.

My fame levee's about to blow.

Grab your ponchos, people.

Bye!

Pantless handstand on a horse... Not sexy. Now we know.

You were right.

You put James on the cover,

and now I think he's sexy.

I am a sheep. You win. Okay?

Now take it off,

because it's ruining my friendship with him.

First of all, thank you

for admitting I was right.

Second, I can't take him off.

It's my job to sell magazines.

Your job? You've been working here for three days.

And I've come in

for every single one of them.

Look, this is about more

than just you now, June.

This is about millions of women

looking to me for guidance

on what to wear, how to cook,

and who to fantasize about

when they fluff the duff.

Shut up, Jonah! Ugh. Ignore him.

He's my cousin.

My mother made me hire him.

This is insane.

You don't work here.

No one is looking to you

for guidance on anything!

Is that so?

Strawberry lip balm, a beret, and smints...

That's what's in your purse.

How did you...

I know what's in your purse because we...

Me and my magazine... Put them there.

We told you those items were hot,

and you went out and bought them.

That's the kind of power we have.

Well, you also have the power

to help out your roommate.

It's true, I do, but I also

have a magazine to run.

Why are you handing me

two of the exact same picture?

Uh, it's for "second look." It needs your approval.

There are 15 differences between them.

No, there aren't.

Okay, one.

Three. Nine.

15. There are 15 differences.

Okay, good work. This can run.

Oh, thank you. Bye.

James will be on the cover.

I'm sorry if that means your

friendship with him is over.

Who is this?!

She's in my head.

She's in my purse.

You even told you to wear those bracelets.

What?! No, I got these

from a cart at the mall.

Because they were featured in "style watch"

on "people's" web site.

Chloe was right.

We're just sheep.

I I think you're missing

the bigger picture, honey.

You have a chance

no colburn woman has ever had...

A chance to bed a sexiest man alive!

James is my friend.

I don't want to ruin that.

Oh, this is something you can't just walk away from.

The closest I ever got

was shoving the Nick nolte

issue down my girdle.

I'm hanging up now.

Stop avoiding James!

Tell him how you feel before it's too late!

Hi, honey.

You know what's not sexy?

Regret.

Drink it all in, Stephanie.

It's all gonna be different after today.

In a way, these are our

last few moments of freedom.

There you are.

D d... watch out!

D did you not see the balloon?

Luther thought it would be a good way to keep tabs on her

after what happened.

"Varsity blues"

is on abc family!

I repeat...

This is what happens when I love something!

Turns out he just stepped

on some lettuce, thank god.

Could have been Steph.

Listen. I need to tell you something.

Can it wait? The newsstand's about to open.

I want to have sex with you.

June, stop.

I can't! I can't fight it anymore!

Maybe it's just because you're on the cover

of "people" magazine, but I don't care!

I can't stop thinking

about having sex with you.

Let me have sex with you. I just want to have...

Nothing, right?

Not even a little bit.

Exactly. It's because we're friends...

Friends who share smoothies, not smoochies.

Listen, I know I've been

teasing you this week,

but... it's all in fun.

I don't need you to think I'm sexy.

About 45 million other people are about to,

and I need you to be my friend.

Who the hell is this?!

I'm not on the cover?

What happened?

He's on all of them!

Who did this?

What is going on?

Why is James not on the cover?

Uh, Marjorie must have nixed it.

Marjorie has final say.

Stop saying "Marjorie" like I'm supposed to know who that is.

You don't know who Marjorie is? Oh, my god!

One more word, and Brenda gets a smackwich.

I don't understand...

Her face is the lunch meat, my hands are the bread!

Huh?! Ohh... Smackwich!

Now, can anyone give me

clarity on this situation?

They're, uh, talking about Marjorie meyers.

She's worked for the magazine

since its inception.

She picks the sexiest man alive every year.

I'm Marjorie meyers, genius behind

"sexiest man alive."

I'm often asked, "what is my secret?"

I merely go with the man

that gets things kicking

in my pants.

And the old gal hasn't been wrong yet.

Every year the staff gives

their top ten candidates,

and Marjorie ignores them

and goes with her pants.

I was bareback on a horse for seven hours

wearing nothing but a shirt.

Okay, do you know why pants were invented?

To prevent what happened to me.

And you looked great.

Which is why we gave you a spread.

Damn damn, I look good!

I'll take it.

Hi. Remember us?

We're Liz and Peter.

Yeah, so it turns out

that you can't fire us,

because you don't work here.

Finally!

How did it take you five days to put that together?

Well, we just had our exit interview...

I don't care. I'm exhausted.

I, uh, just want to say

that, um, you guys nailed

the "sexiest man alive"

again this year.

And if I'm a sheep, I'm just glad

that you all are my Shepherds,

and I'm sure that my mother is...

Shoving this down her girdle right now...

As we speak, so thank you.

Well, team, what can I say?

My job here was fake,

but the work that we did was real... ish.

Brenda, what can I say to you, Brenda?

Where do I even start?

I know I've been especially hard on you,

but that's just because I see

so much potential.

You're

the best boss I ever had.

I didn't want things to end this way,

but all good things, right?

When you speak of me at the company retreat,

which I still plan on attending,

speak of me well.

I'll see you all in Baja.

Uh, we're still working!

You're fired!

- Can I get a water? - Water for James.

Water, please. Thank you.

All right, great. Good job.

Now can you get me one that's not hot as hellfire?

Donnie, yeah.

I just saw the horse's trailer. It's bigger than mine.

And go by star size, not body size.

Is that secretariat? Oh, it's not?

'Cause the way everyone's fawning over him,

I thought it must be.

Donnie, listen, yeah.

I'm getting tired of this horse.

I want you to send him a gift basket from me...

Season one of "luck"

and a big tub of glue.