Original subtitles

Come Saturday morning

I'm goin' away with my friend

We'll Saturday-spend 'Til the end of the day

Just I and my friend

We'll travel for miles in our Saturday smiles

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Come Saturday morning

You head for the east or to the west

In saturday best we will rest of the way

Just I and my friend

Wherever know where the saturday goes

And so we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Hi! Need a model?

Be a terrific guy anyway and take my picture.

Little memory piece for my old man.

Okay?

Can I see it?

Mmm. Just a minute, huh?

"Common North American Insects." Terrific!

Oh, grasshopper gills.

I knew a girl who had a gill.

It grew out of her throat.

I don't know if it was a grasshopper gill.

Anyway, she had it operated on and the operation left

this little hole and every now and again it would bleed,

so she had to wear a scarf to school.

Sheila Carruthers.

She was a weirdo.

It's hard to think of that as your average operation.

Boy, it's gonna be nice to get away from all these weirdos.

It looks just like me.

You on the bus?

Yes.

You've you been on it long?

Uh, yes.

How far are you going?

Uh, to Harrisonville.

To the college?

- Right. - That's great!

I'm going to Winslow. It's only 75 miles away.

Oh.

This is my first semester. Is this your first semester?

- Yeah. - Well, what do you know.

All aboard.

Oh, well, I gotta go now.

- Excuse me. - Save me a place.

Save me a place.

I hope you'll like college.

Hi.

Excuse me, Sister.

Would you mind if I sat where you're sitting?

You see, that's my... Just a minute, Sister.

Pardon me. That's my brother.

That's my brother and I'd like to be close to him.

Our mother just died in Rhode Island.

He loved her very much.

- Of course. - Thank you.

Sister, these young people should be together.

Excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry, Sister.

I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

Small world, huh?

I'm a literature nut myself.

I mean, I read anything, any time, any place.

What's your major? Bugs?

- Biology. - Oh.

Why is that nun looking at us like that?

I told her about our mother.

Our mother?

You know, about our going to bury her in Rhode Island.

Oh, don't worry about them. Some people love it.

I mean, some people guzzle God like he was a keg of beer.

What do you think we should put on the tombstone?

We might as well think of some kind of appropriate inscription.

I mean, after all, we are gonna be together all day, right?

You're a very unusual person.

Not like those weirdos back home, huh?

I think we should pick something that relates

to a beautiful moment in our mother's life.

- Are you hungry? - Uh, no thank you.

I've got a thing here.

- You want some? - Uh-uh.

Now, if I were to pick one beautiful moment in our mother's life...

Don't say that.

I think it would be the time

that our father comes in late and he's swacked right down to his toes

and he staggers up the steps and he doesn't even look in to check us out or anything,

he just heads right for the old bedroom.

He hasn't changed one thing in that bedroom.

Everything is just exactly the same, all her personal stuff.

Are you sure you don't want a cupcake?

- No, thanks. - Okay, anyway...

We listened for him to drop his shoes...

I mean, ordinarily,

you can hear a drunk take off his shoes, right?

I mean, even though we're nine-years-old

we knew that drunks take off their shoes, right?

But this time we don't hear a sound.

So we get up,

we ease ourselves down the hall,

and we peer into his room.

And there he is and he's down on his knees in the closet.

And he's staring into this little shoebox.

And he stares into that box for the longest time.

Then finally he reaches in.

And he takes something out, he gets to his feet.

And he moves across the room.

And you know what he does?

You know what he does?

He starts spraying perfume all over my mother's side of the bed.

Classy memory, huh?

I mean, women like that always get big funerals, don't they?

You can't just dump her in, can you?

That's a great moment.

You know what the trouble is?

The trouble is that probably all the good things in life

take place in no more than a minute.

I mean, all added up.

I bet you at the end of 70 years, should you live so long,

you sit down, you can figure it all out.

Spent 35 years sleeping.

Spent five years going to the bathroom.

Spent 19 years doing some kind of work you absolutely hated.

Spent 8,759 minutes blinking your eyes.

And after that you got that one minute of good things.

Then one day you wonder whether your minute's up.

You'd rather talk about bugs, wouldn't you? Okay.

Apis Mellifica.

That's short for bee, right?

Bees are cross-eyed.

Oh, my God! There was this guy in high school,

George Alexander Meager...

Gee, it's been really nice meeting you.

It's been wonderful.

Hey, whaddya know. I forgot to give my father the picture.

Hey, my name's Pookie Adams. What's yours?

Uh, Jerry Payne.

Well, whaddya know!

Hi!

Hi.

Great spot for a murder, huh?

Here, a little memento.

See you in Rhode Island!

Easy, man. There, there. Really, just shake it up.

Put it down, man!

It's gotta go all the way up to the ceiling.

Put it over there on the desk. Knock those out of the way.

Bless you, dear little thing.

- Plug ear, out of the way. - Jerry Payne.

Eddie Roe. I'm across the hall.

- This is Charlie Schumacher. - How you doin'?

- Are there any plugs around here? - I think this is my room.

Want the top or the bottom, or beer, whiskey or what?

Hey, we're roomies, man. We're living together.

Need a drink?

Hey, relax, relax!

Oops. I'm so... What's this?

Is she friend or foe?

Uh, she's just a girl I met on the bus.

Well, that's good. This is your first contribution

to the old decor.

My stepmother used to say,

"When you get into a new place, hang your pictures, Charlie!"

Yeah. Hey...

The old village tavern, right?

Twenty-four hours service. Beer, whiskey!

All right.

Ask me if I made out this summer.

Did you make out this summer?

Ask me nice.

Did you make out this summer?

Uh, you ask me.

Did you make out this summer?

Did I make out this summer? Are you kidding?

Why, little man, I have stories that could curl your little tail.

I'll tell you.

Hey, Payne! You got company downstairs.

It's a girl.

- What? - It's your dartboard.

Oh my God!

What're you doing in here?

You're not supposed to be in here, especially in the mornings,

it's off limits for women.

Surprised to see me?

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Yeah. Well, my school's full of creeps,

and I had a free weekend so I figured I'd come visit.

Hey! I brought you a present!

How do you like the heap? Not bad, huh?

- I bought it for 75 bucks. Oh! - Look, I...

Couldn't you just reach in through the window?

It's a regular cracker.

Beauty in motion.

- Regular crackerjack of a car. - Look, I...

It's not exactly souped-up or anything, but, it does have a little personality.

- Wait till you get inside. - Could you listen?

I'm trying to tell you that I have to work anyway.

Pornographic stuff.

I can see you've got your creeps hanging from the rooftops.

I, uh, I can't accept a gift...

- Go on. - I really shouldn't...

Go on, open it.

Aw, go on, open it.

Do you like it?

It's a beetle.

I played poker with Marcia Dorsky,

this mixed-up sophomore I know,

and, uh, she's changing her major so she was selling her bug collection.

And she lost the game and she was short of cash

and I remembered that you're a nut for bugs.

I don't understand. I can't accept this.

This is far too rare a specimen.

Well, you and I got along fantastically on the bus

so I looked at my old car and I thought,

"Burn rubber."

I mean, that's entitled to a road test.

I thought I'd stick around till tomorrow.

Do you know a place I can stay?

It got real dull because it's impossible to have conversations with weirdos.

So I played poker with Marcia Dorsky and I won the beetle.

Two pair. Jack high.

Oh, so this is where Lincoln died.

Gee, it's nice to know somebody's keeping America beautiful.

No fraternizing with the door closed.

I happen to be his sister,

and our mother's just died in Rhode Island.

So I can assure you we don't have smut on our minds.

I'm terribly sorry.

You know, I really wish you wouldn't do that.

Hey, I can see your place from here.

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I really...

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Nancy Putnam. She's in my dorm.

Brother, you really get the cream of the crap on the weekends, don't you!

I said I don't mean to be rude, but I really...

You don't have to pay for this room.

I know that.

You don't even have to stay if you don't want to.

It's just like I said. I just had to get away from the creeps,

and I figured if anyone would understand that, you would.

Look, I'm not questioning your right to get away from creeps

or whatever you want to get away from, it's just...

And don't get me wrong either,

'cause I really appreciate the beetle.

It's a very thoughtful gesture.

How do you say it again? Glorious?

Uh, Gloriosa. Melictus Polamus.

Melictus Polamus.

Yeah. They're not easy to come by either, as a matter of fact.

Dominus, Ominous. Melictus Polaminous.

Hey, how does a person develop an interest in something like bugs anyway?

No, really, I want to know.

Uh, well, I started out by dissecting birds to see if they had filarial worms.

That simple, huh?

Oh, before I knew it,

anything to do with a crawling object just caught my eye, you know.

Potato bugs, grasshoppers, beetles...

What grabbed you about grasshoppers?

You're putting me on now, aren't you?

No, I'm not. I wanna know what grabbed you about grasshoppers.

Well, three summers ago, uh,

I was looking for, uh, mite larva,

which can be found behind grasshopper gills.

Anyway, my brother and I were on a trip...

How old is your brother?

- Thirty-one. - Married?

- Yes. - Kids?

- Two. - You're an uncle!

- What does your father do? - Uh, he's in real estate.

And your mother's a housewife.

- Mmm-hmm. - Well, whaddya know.

You know, you have a way of changing the subject sometimes.

No, I don't. You were talking about gills.

No, I was talking about mites and I mentioned that mite larvae

can be found behind grasshopper gills.

- Would you take me to dinner later? - That's what I said.

I'll settle for a sandwich.

Uh, I really think that we should be going.

Adams in!

Are you all right?

Hey, listen, are you hurt?

Hey, are you okay?

Hey, listen are...

You really had me scared. I don't think that's funny at all.

- You've got the ball! - What?

- You've got the ball! - Look, I don't...

Come on, now. That's enough! Will you cut it out!

Come on, let go of me!

You're wacky, you're absolutely wacky.

Yes.

Well, I'd stick around for a midnight snack,

but I have to be back for morning garbage cleanup.

Some stupid thing.

Well, drive carefully.

Okay. So long.

Maybe I'll see you again sometime.

- So long. - So long.

Telegram.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know it'd be so crowded.

You'd figure on Sunday all the weirdos would be in church.

Barbara Eisenberg.

She's very liberal. I said she's very liberal.

I don't think there are any seats in here.

She's always making placards and things.

All the liberals wear their shorts loose.

- Upshaw. - What?

Helen Upshaw. She used to be my roommate.

What do you mean "used to be"?

She had a friend she wanted to be with down the hall so she moved out.

- Hi, Helen. - Oh, hi, Pookie.

This is my date, Jerry Payne.

- Hello. - Hi.

Jerry, this is Mark.

Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you.

- That's Pookie. - Hi.

We're gonna have a beer.

Oh, good.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Lillian Lerner. Very emotional.

Cries all the time. Wets her pants.

- What? - She wets her pants.

I can't hear you, I'm sorry.

- What? - Huh?

Nancy Putnam.

Oh.

She moved into my room after Upshaw moved out.

Huh?

She moved into my room after Upshaw moved out.

Oh, how is that working out?

Well, she was only there a couple of days.

She found a friend down at the other end of the hall.

Oh.

Hey, Payne. Hey. Hi. How are you?

Oh, hi, John. How are you?

Hi, Nance.

Hi, Pookie.

- Who are you rooming with now? - Huh?

- Who are you rooming with now? - Nobody.

I like it like that.

I can play the radio all night and keep the lights on.

That's how I like it.

Let's get out of here.

I can't stand so many hot-pantied weirdos at one fell swoop.

What?

I said hot-pantied weirdos!

Sometimes you have to get away from the noise, you know?

I found it the first day I was here.

Look at this.

"Bessie Rawlens. Beloved daughter, 1804."

And, Jer...

Ebediah Rawlens.

"Take him unto the heights of heaven."

Great spot, huh?

Yeah.

Look at these over here.

This whole family must have gone together. They all have the same name.

Must have been one of those mass-disaster jobs, for blood or something.

And all the children.

George.

Mr. Simpson.

Zwillian.

Bessie. Ebediah.

George. William.

Jerry Payne.

Hello.

Hey, can you do this?

- What's that? - Wait a minute.

It's supposed to be a fairy harp.

Try.

Just a piece of grass.

- Like this? - You can use this...

- Do you have one? - Yeah.

Have you been to a lot of funerals?

I mean, is your family all intact?

Uh, my father's uncle had a big funeral. But that's about it.

Your family intact?

Except for my mother.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot.

One summer vacation when I was 11-years-old,

I went through the want ads and I wrote to every address that offered a brochure.

I nearly drove the mailman crazy.

So I told him I had leukemia and only six months to live

and that people from all over the world were sending money and letters

to help pay for the doctor bills.

You know, so my father wouldn't be too strapped?

You told that to the mailman?

You know what he did?

He cried.

He said he'd watched me grow all these years

and he sat right down on the porch swing and he bawled like a baby.

No kidding.

He's been hanging around waiting for me to die!

For years he's been looking at me as if it's my last delivery.

Every time I'm home, he pats my head and smiles and go, "God'll fix you up."

It's like a challenge to him.

I think I've kept him alive waiting for me to die.

- How old were you? - Eleven.

No, I mean, when your mother died.

A minute.

A minute?

My first victim!

- Gee, I'm sorry. - You're sorry?

Wow. I hear my father nearly busted a gut.

He's still nuts about her.

I mean, look, he travels around half the country half the time anyway, right?

And all he does is look for women that look like my mother.

He even tried to rape her sister a couple of years ago.

My own aunt!

Mmm.

"God take Arabella."

You know, sometimes I really believe in God.

Take a picture.

Okay.

Pookie, that's terrible!

No, it's not, what do you mean?

Come on, I'll take one of you afterwards.

We can see what we'll look like as corpses.

God take Arabella. God take Pookie. God take Jerry.

- Come on, get up. - No, no.

Come on, get up!

The leaves are beautiful.

Because they're dying, huh?

I know your house painter's name

and what his wife did to her cousin on Memorial Day of 1958...

'59!

Let's see. You love pitted grapes, you hate figs.

And a policeman in Kermit Kansas named George Grisby

has a small mole on his left shoulder.

You read them! You read them all!

He read them!

We're in number eight.

Jer...

Hey, Jerry...

What name did you register under?

- Uh, Berkner. - Mr. and Mrs.?

Uh-huh.

Jer...

It's colder in here than it is outside.

Well, it's clandestine, that's for sure.

This place certainly has interesting workmanship.

This place must've been built back in the 1920's.

He said something about the heat not working too well.

I guess he figured we'd bring our own, huh?

That sort of a dirty joke goes along with a place like this.

Hey, did you ever hear the one about the two prostitutes

who go down to the Navy Yard on Ground Hog Day...

Do you have to be crass about it?

Crass?

Who's being crass?

I'm just trying to get the show on the road.

Jer...

You might as well face it.

I mean, this is it. We're here.

Your time is up. You're a dead goose.

Tonight's the night, Henry!

Why do you have to take all the romance out of it!

I'm not.

It's just that that stupid thing's never gonna light

and I think the best thing we can do is take off our clothes

and hop in the old sackeroo.

This is such a dumb room!

I'm sorry, but the heater has me nervous.

Well, would you like to peel the tomato?

What?

Would you like to strip me?

Don't you think it's a little cold for that?

No, I don't mind. I sort of had it planned this way.

You can do it as slowly as you like.

How do you do? I'm Pookie Adams.

Oh...

Sweater.

Uh, wait a minute.

Blouse.

You have to pull.

Yeah.

Mmm...

Ta-da!

Gee, your body's just beautiful, Pookie.

Really beautiful.

Better get my beautiful ass into this beautiful bed before it freezes off!

Okay, Valentino, hit it!

Jer?

Hmm?

Can you...

Thank you.

Bad news, Speedy, you forgot the lights.

Ow!

Mr. and Mrs. Berkner.

Wonder if you'd have a guy named like that?

Uh, what's the matter?

Nothing.

It's just that everything's a little bit...

perfect.

And I...

Somehow or other

when everything's a little bit perfect I just get a little bit nervous.

I mean, it can't last.

I love you, Pookie.

I love you.

Let's never be weirdos, okay?

Okay.

You shouldn't be looking in people's mailboxes.

Why not? Nobody will care.

Look at this guy. He's popular.

Pookie, don't do that.

Hey, what do you want to bet this is a love letter, Jer?

It's probably just a bill.

No, it's not. It's a love letter.

Look, it's pink.

Smell.

See? Smells just like a mailbox.

Oh, my dearest darling.

Would you do me a favor?

Would you write me a love letter?

I mean, I know you've written letters and everything...

But, would you write me a real love letter?

You know, mushing gushing.

Okay, if you want.

My mother was great at doing that.

Some of hers were fantastic.

You should've seen 'em.

I swiped one once from my father's drawer

and made a recording of it.

Gave it to him for a present on one of my birthdays.

Did he like it?

Well, he...

He opened it up and he looked at it and he asked me what it was

and I said, "It's a surprise.

"Go on, put it on the record player."

So he went and he put it on.

And it played and he listened.

And it played and he listened.

He finally just whacked the needle right off the record

and then he said,

"Don't you ever go through my things again, Mary Anne."

Weird, huh?

I'm gonna write you a love letter.

I love you, Pookie.

I love you, Pookie.

Hey, what're you doing?

What? - What're you doing?

I'm just waiting for a bus.

Come on!

Okay, I'm coming.

- Wait, I'm coming! - Come on, my dear.

Open that can of beer immediately.

So long, Jerry.

You awake?

The last survivor.

Well, who'd you like to really get in the sheets with tonight?

May or September, hmm?

They're all all right, I guess.

So what're you doing for Christmas?

You gonna go home, see your folks?

Yeah.

Aw, well...

Hmm?

Oh, I got a really fantastic idea.

You really ought to learn to ski, huh?

I can teach you to ski in a week.

Teach you everything you want to know.

Fundamentals. I'll have you flying in a week.

I got too much work to do.

You can work up there!

And give the old dude a little help in a couple of subjects.

Are you in trouble?

What'd your old man say if you flunked out?

You know what my old man would say?

He'd say,

"Thanks a lot, Charlie."

That's just great! That's just so great for your reputation!

What? - All of a sudden

you're running off to the hills with some muscle-bound fairy.

What're you talking about?

Since when are you taking time out to be with the boys?

Why do you have to make it sound so stupid?

Guys like to be together sometimes.

I mean, if you wanted to spend some time with your girlfriends,

I'd be the first to understand.

Don't make me sound like some kind of a perv!

Charlie Schoonover is not a pervert.

He happens to be a little thick in physics, that's all.

Uh-huh.

I don't know how to ski. He just offered a little tit for tat.

Well, that sounds dirty right off the bat.

- Cut it out, Pookie. - Oh, come on.

When one man looks at another man

and says, "How about a little tit for tat?"

I said cut it out!

Don't you know they have a secret language?

You go on. You ask him if he has a pair of alligator shoes.

I'll lay you five to one he'll jump right on your bones.

Listen, I'm spending one week with Charlie Schoonover

and one week with my family and that's that!

What about me?

I thought you were going home.

Well, you never even asked me if I was.

I just assumed you were. Where else would you go?

I don't know. I haven't made up my mind.

What'll you do if you don't go home?

Wonder how my boyfriend's making out in the mountains.

That's not even amusing.

Maybe I'll go somewhere and get a job, earn a little extra money.

I mean, it's not as if we made a date to spend Christmas together.

I went home for Thanksgiving, didn't I?

Yeah, thanks for asking me to join you.

We've been all through that.

You said you were going home.

How am I supposed to know that you're gonna change your mind

and eat dinner at some hot dog stand.

What do you mean you're gonna need a little extra money?

Are you broke?

No, I'm just gonna need a little extra money, that's all.

For what? A new joke book?

No.

A bassinet.

What?

That's right.

- Now don't do that to me, Pookie. - You did it to me!

- That's not funny. - Right again.

I thought you said you knew how to handle that.

Well, I goofed. Half the world's a bunch of goofs.

Are you sure? Have you seen a doctor?

I know what you're thinking.

Pookie, have you seen a doctor?

Pookie's got big feet and a long nose

and an excruciatingly weird body!

Pookie, will you please be serious?

Well, you...

You don't have to be the father of some ugly monster!

I mean, my mother is reputed to have been

a fantastic beauty in her time

and my father's turned a few heads, too.

So you can just relax on that score!

Have you seen a doctor?

You don't even have to admit to being the father.

I'm not denying anything!

I just wanted to know if you've seen a doctor.

But you are! I want you to know that.

I want you to know that no other person could possibly be!

- Do you know what that means? - Will you please...

Will you please settle down?

But, if you want to, you can forget that you ever even knew me.

That I do want you to understand.

It's a free country.

I'll just plead immaculate conception.

Have you seen a doctor?

No.

Then I think you should see one right away.

No.

Why not, for God's sake?

Because I've got a much better idea.

You go up to the snow with your queer

and I'll go home and see a doctor.

And that way I can talk to my father about it.

You gonna tell him?

I don't know. Do you think I should?

I don't know.

That's up to you to decide.

I'll marry you, of course.

You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

I mean... I mean, I want to.

I want you to know that.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless there's someone we could see about...

No! I would never do that.

I would never ever do a thing like that.

I'm sorry, okay? I wasn't... I wasn't thinking.

I will marry you though.

Look, we'll take our vacations, all right?

No, I'm gonna change my plans.

No, we'll take our vacations.

And then, when we get back we can see where we stand.

How we feel and what we want to do about it.

I had a friend called Elsie Cantonie, got it from a Jewish lifeguard.

And she ended up in a convent.

But she wanted it that way. She's happy.

I know what you're thinking about.

You're thinking about the first day on the bus

and how if the nun hadn't given me the seat,

you wouldn't be here right now.

Well, I bet you that nun would be really happy

if she knew she could create a child just by changing her seat.

I'm right, aren't I?

You are thinking about that, aren't you?

No.

What're you thinking about?

Me.

Did you ever make it with that girl?

Not necessarily.

How many girls you figure you made it with in your time?

I don't know.

How many do you figure I have?

I don't know.

Take a guess.

Twelve.

Guess again.

Twenty-five?

Do you want me to tell you now?

If you want.

Two thousand.

Hmm. I'll bet that you and me are the only two guys in the whole dorm

that have never been laid.

- Hi! - Hi!

I was afraid you wouldn't be able to make it.

Well, we had a date, didn't we?

How are you?

Just fine. How are you?

Fine. Boy, you look terrific!

Thank you.

How was your friend? Did you learn how to ski?

Uh, no. As a matter of fact I turned my ankle first day out.

You're kidding.

- How's your father? - Fine.

Went home and saw him. You know, we had a...

A lunch together.

Big old sandwich. Ham and cheese on rye with potato salad.

The waitress who served us was Evelyn Korbon,

who our Senior Class voted "Most likely to travel abroad."

Oh, yeah?

How's your family? Bet they were glad to see you, huh?

Yeah.

Did you tell 'em about me?

Sure.

I told my father all about you.

How's... How's the baby?

It went away.

Women are always having reversals in that area.

- Relieved, huh, Jer? - Yeah.

- You okay? - Yeah.

How do you feel about it?

Fine.

Did you ever get to a doctor?

What for?

Well, you were pregnant.

Well, did you lose it, or was it a false alarm?

Jer, I don't know if I was preg.

I mean, I threw up in the bus, didn't I?

But you didn't go to a doctor.

Why are you getting upset?

I'm not upset.

You are.

I just wanted to know how you felt about it.

I can't tell you how I felt about it.

I loved it.

I loved every minute of it.

It took me home, it took me downtown,

it took me right through Trepton's Department Store.

It took me right past Janet Young and Floyd Petersen.

It let me have lunch with my father.

It let me order ham and cheese from Evelyn Korbon.

That's how I felt about it.

It took me.

It made me something.

And I loved it.

Whether it was there or not, I believed it.

And I'm sorry that it went away.

You're gonna be a weirdo soon, aren't you?

Oh, Pook.

Don't go away, okay?

Pookie...

Maybe they aren't... They aren't all so bad.

Maybe everybody is just a little cautious of everybody.

You're really wrong as rain.

I know. I grew up with them.

They're all a bunch of rotten eggs.

Why can't you give 'em a chance?

What do you mean?

Pookie, there's this dumb weekend coming up.

House party weekend.

It's supposed to be one of the major events of the year or something.

Pookie, I want us to go. It's time for us to.

- I'm gonna be sick... - Oh, no, no!

Come on.

Let's do some... Let's do some breathing exercises.

King of the Creep on ice he is!

Old chicken breast...

Oh!

Big bull.

Great big fat bull!

Bully for you, chicken!

Let's, let's snow on the plebeians!

- The what? - The plebeians.

Let's snow on the plebeians!

- The plebleians? - The plebeians!

Whoo!

Here she comes, the high priestess of the plebeians.

Plebeians. Ole, ole!

God.

Antoinette.

Antoinette Green!

Antoinette Green!

What God has not given Antoinette Green,

Antoinette Green has had done!

Would you like to know

Antoinette's Greens real measurements, weirdos?

Twenty-eight, thirty, forty-one!

Jenny Wallace! Nose job.

A bad one. Fifty bucks, a cheapie.

Come on now, don't...

Helen Upshaw's going bald!

Hey!

Lillian Lerner's dentures!

Watch out, my lads, she'll snap you to death!

Lay off.

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.

- Come on, relax. - What?

I think you'd better get off of me.

The biggest phony of all them

lies up there somewhere in that floating mass.

Nancy Putnam!

Ninety percent of Nancy Putnam's body is by Dupont.

- Hey, look... - Fiberglass Du Pont.

- Fiberglass brain. - Hey, cut it out.

- Fiberglass smile! - Just get down, will ya.

Wait a minute.

What about this big bull upon whose shoulders I sit?

Maybe he's the biggest deceiver of them all.

Maybe he's not even a bull.

Maybe he's just a glad ole cow.

Oh, shut up, will ya!

"Moo," says this giant cow

who lures young men into the wilderness as a fairy lures...

Shut up!

You shut up!

Hello, uh, could I speak to Pookie Adams, please?

Jerry? Hi.

Hi.

- How are you? - Just fine.

You sound terrific.

Your voice sounds really great. How are you?

Just fine.

Hey, did you get my letter? I'm a terrific artist, huh?

You still mad at me?

No, I'm not mad.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Oh, good.

I know I was bad. I'm really sorry.

You know what I was gonna do?

You won't believe this.

I was gonna take an ad out in your school paper

saying something to the effect of,

"Miss Pookie Adams is terrifically sorry

"for acting like a weirdo at the Phi..."

No, don't do that, Pookie. Pookie, don't do that.

Oh, Jer, I wasn't going to do that. Don't you know me by now?

Don't you know when I'm kidding?

But I am sorry.

Yeah, I know you are, Pook. No, I'm not mad at you. Promise.

Double promise?

Double promise.

Oh, Jer, I love you!

I love you.

I love you, Pookie.

Well, you sound funny.

Like you want to say something.

You are mad at me, aren't you?

No, Pook, I'm not mad at you. It's just...

Uh, I have to talk to you about Easter vacation.

Well, we're going, aren't we?

I mean, you promised to take me, remember?

Yeah, I know I did.

I'm not gonna embarrass you in front of your parents or anything.

- Scout's honor I won't. - Pookie...

I'm not going home for Easter vacation.

I, uh... I got some notices of flunk warnings and...

Well, I've decided to stay here at the dorm over Easter and work.

I mean, they close up the house and I'll have it all to myself.

Boy, you are mad at me, aren't you?

Pook, I'm not mad at you.

I got... I got flunk warnings in English and Philosophy...

Listen, you won't believe what I've been doing this week.

You know, I've really been making a terrific effort to be friends

with some of the weirdos around here. I mean...

Pookie, listen...

I even apologized to Helen... Helen Upshaw.

Listen to me.

And I told Lillian Lerner that I didn't know that

she wore dentures.

That it was just an accident and a coincidence.

I don't even remember saying about dumb Helen.

- Will you listen! Please! - I mean...

Just give me another chance, okay?

It has nothing to do with another chance.

It has to do with my academic standing.

It has to do with whether I flunk out of school or not.

It has to do with me. Not us, but me.

And I'm not going home for Easter vacation.

And it's not because I'm mad at you. Do you understand that?

Pookie, are you listening?

I've got a fantastic idea.

I'm gonna... I'll come up there and be with you.

What?

During the vacation. I'll just whirl right on up to the dorm.

It'll be great. Like you said, nobody will be there

and we'll have the whole place to ourselves.

And I can cook for you.

And I'll make the bed and everything.

I'll keep the Avon lady off your back.

No, Pook.

But I think it'll be really good for us, you know?

Nobody will be there and it'll be like living together.

Like we're man and wife.

Pookie, don't you understand? My head is on the block.

But you can still study.

I mean...

I can amuse myself.

God, I'm the all-time self-amuser, remember me?

Pookie, it's just not a good idea.

Jer, what do you mean it's not a good idea?

I think it's a fantastic idea.

Pookie, it won't work.

I've got too much work to do.

You'd better plan on visiting your dad.

I have no intention of visiting my...

I don't call him my dad, I call him my father!

And as for your head being on the block,

well, maybe everybody's head's on the block.

Did you ever think about that?

I mean, maybe everybody's in a little bit of trouble.

Did you ever think about that, Jerry?

Will you get out of here, you goony virgin!

I mean, look, Jer...

A whole campus to ourselves.

I mean, don't we owe it?

I mean, all the time that we've spent together?

Don't you think that we owe it?

Jer... I don't want to go home!

He won't be there.

He won't be there. He wasn't there Christmas.

I didn't even have a sandwich with him.

Please.

I just don't want to go back and hang around there, you know.

Jer?

Jerry?

All right, Pookie.

It'll be terrific!

You wait and see!

- Listen, I have to go now. - Okay.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

What do you know.

It's only eight weeks till summer vacation.

I guess some people are planning already, huh?

I guess so.

Oh, God. I used to hate those vacations.

If he didn't ship me off to my grandmother's

he'd store me off in some summer camp.

Talk about your weirdos.

If you wanted to catch every creep in the world,

all you had to do was wait till summer

and drop your net over Camp Arak-Arak-Aranna.

Just think, Jer. Three months without a weirdo.

Jerry Payne is a rotten egg!

I hope you pass everything.

Thanks.

Uh, Pookie?

I've been thinking and...

Well, I wonder if maybe seeing so much of each other is really such a good thing.

What I mean is,

maybe we should stay apart from each other for a little while.

Say four or five weeks.

I mean, sometimes a separation like that can be good for people.

You know, it'll give us both a chance to settle back into school.

I mean, the odds are after a month like that...

A month's separation, it's...

Well...

We'll really get to appreciate each other

and get a better perspective on each other.

I mean, odds are...

After a separation like that we'll be just dying to see each other.

Odds are.

You understand what I mean?

Uh...

Well...

I'll see you then in about a month's time. I'll give you a call, okay?

Bye, Jer.

Hey.

- Hello? - Hello.

May I speak to Pookie Adams, please?

I'm sorry, she's not here.

Well, may I leave a message?

I can switch you to the Administration office.

No, she's a student there in the house.

She's not here anymore.

You mean she's in another house?

No, she's left school.

- She left? - Yes, sir.

The school?

Uh, I'm talking about Mary Anne Adams. They call her Pookie.

Yes, Pookie Adams. She left school.

Well, did she leave a forwarding address?

- I don't believe she left... - Did she go home?

I don't know, sir.

Well, somebody must know where she is.

Maybe if you talked to the Administration office they can help you.

Thank you.

- Hi, Jerry. - Hi, Mel.

You know everybody, don't you?

Here.

Hi, Nancy.

Hi, Jerry. How are you?

Just fine. How are you?

I've been meaning to call you, as a matter of fact.

I wondered if, uh, you'd heard anything about Pookie.

Well, I don't know if I can help you much.

We weren't the best of friends.

Yeah, I just wondered if somebody had, you know,

heard something.

All I know is that the Administration did try

and get in touch with her father.

Well, so did I. But, uh, he wasn't there.

I even wrote, but I never got an answer.

Alas my love you do me wrong

To cast me out discourteously

Hello?

Yes, I'm sorry to bother you this late,

but do you have a Miss Adams registered there?

Adams? No. No Adams.

I'm sorry.

I thought I saw someone I recognized in the upstairs front window.

No Adams. Sorry.

Upstairs front has a Berkner.

Thank you.

Hi, Jer.

I knew you'd figure it out.

I don't understand, Pookie.

You don't understand.

Why are you here?

What are you planning to do?

I went to Boston.

I felt sick in Boston.

And then the car broke down.

It just wouldn't run anymore.

I didn't know where else to go, so I came here.

Real surprise, huh?

What do you want to do?

I don't know. What do you think that I should do?

I don't know.

Maybe you should go home.

Your father might be back by now.

- Yeah. - I tried to contact him.

Yeah.

Pookie, have you slept?

I guess I've been here about a week.

Why don't you try to get some sleep?

I'll stay here with you.

And later on, we...

We'll decide what to do.

Okay.

You're gonna send me back home, aren't you?

You're gonna send me back to that mailman, aren't you?

Twice I've seen you from the window.

Come Saturday morning

I'm goin' away with my friend

Well Saturday-spend 'til the end of the day

Just I and my friend

The secrets to tell in our Saturday spent

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Just I and my friend

Is nobody there in a saturday free

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Just I and my friend

Wherever knows our Saturday goes

And so we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Kilo