Original subtitles

♪ Ah, ohh ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Ah, ohh ♪

♪ Ah, ohh ♪

♪ I said, hey, boy Sittin' in your tree ♪

♪ Mummy always wants you to come for tea ♪

♪ Don't by shy Straighten up your tie ♪

♪ Get down from your tree house Sittin' in the sky... ♪

Coco, Sophie, Mel, and I met in middle school,

and we were instantly best friends.

Sophie was the sweetest girl you've ever met.

Hey, guys, I got us mix tapes.

-You're kidding. -Oh, my gosh.

Thank you so much.

Coco was a total badass.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey, get back here! I'm gonna stomp your fucking ass, bitch!

♪ ...blow you away ♪

♪ Say you won't Say you'll do what I don't... ♪

And Mel...

Guys, look, I just stole a Mercedes.

Mel was completely insane.

Holy shit.

Come on, get in.

I'm not gonna stop

until you get in.

-Wanna go? -Okay.

-Can we go? -Okay.

-Okay. -♪ Say you'll do... ♪

We stayed super close over the years.

All through high school,

and our 20s

and our 30s.

We always had the best time together.

But unfortunately, our lives have gotten so busy

with our kids and our families and our jobs,

we never really get to see each other anymore.

As for me,

I've been buried in work for the last six months.

This court finds for the plaintiff and awards him full restitution.

Case is adjourned.

-Ah. -Thank you for your great work.

-Of course. Congratulations. -Thank you.

-I'll call you later. Okay. -Okay.

Hey, great job today.

Thanks. You too. You did great.

Honestly, I'm glad you won. My client is such an asshole.

I've had my share of those.

So, I don't usually do this,

but now that the case is over,

can I take you to dinner?

Oh. Are you looking for a job?

What? No. No, because I like you.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Are you, uh... are you asking me on a date?

I was trying to.

Oh, yes. Okay. I would... yes. I would love that.

-Okay. -Yeah, I'm good at dating.

-Great. -Uh-huh.

When's good for you?

Okay. Um. Oh, let me look.

Let's see here. So, I can't do this weekend.

And then my son has soccer playoffs.

And my dad is getting his hip s-surgery.

Back in trial again. Um...

There... July 19th?

-You mean three months from now? -Mm.

The joys of being a single mom.

You know what? If something opens up, why don't you give me a call?

-Yes. Okay. I will do that. -Nice to see you.

All right.

Bye.

That was sad.

Hi.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm sorry. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Be right there.

Sophie!

I'm coming!

Sophie!

Where were you?

I was at my son's recital, like I mentioned.

You can't just leave me like that.

I needed lunch, and no one was here.

I was scared.

I know. I know. It's okay, Toby.

I got you lunch on my way back.

Oh, okay. Great. Well, just, uh, do I get a choice?

I've just got to eat whatever you've decided?

12-piece sashimi platter,

pork gyoza, and seaweed salad.

Fuck! That's exactly what I wanted!

Yes, I know. Do you need a bib?

No. I'm not a baby.

No, of course not.

No, you are the parking lot king of California.

Yes, I am.

Okay. Do you need anything else?

Yes. Yes, actually, I do.

Um.

Last night was a total disaster.

A light bulb died in my second beach house,

and I had to change it myself.

Oh, Toby, I am so sorry.

I need you to stay on top of my needs.

Anticipate. You know? Anticipate.

-Absolutely. -Okay.

I still don't understand why we have to exchange the kids

in, like, a neutral location.

Because every time we exchange the kids at my house,

you break plates and you make fun of my penis.

Okay, I don't...

Can I just have my kids, please?

Okay, girls.

-Have a good week. -Hi!

Oh, my God, I missed you so much!

You look so cute. Look at those boots.

-Mommy! -Hi, bubba! Oh, my God!

-Okay, here you go. -Say bye to Daddy.

Have fun. I love you. Good bye.

Bye, Daddy. Bye, Margaret.

Oh, Margaret's here. Amazing.

That is awesome. Put your seatbelts on.

Why you letting that hoochie around my kids?

She's my girlfriend, Coco, and she's great with the kids.

How is it even possible that my husband left me for an older woman?

You're supposed to leave me for, like, Gigi Hadid.

Not Ina Garten.

-She's not Ina Garten. -No, truly,

does she just, like, turn you on with her Velcro sneakers?

I'm not entertaining this.

-Hey, bub! -Hey, Mommy.

We can hear everything you're saying.

Oh, you can? That's, um...

That's not great.

Mommy, why are you always so mad?

That's a great question. I, um...

I'm gonna say bye to Daddy, okay?

-Did you put them up to this? -I... You know I didn't.

This feels like you put them up to this, Roger.

Did she put them up to this?

No, no, she did not put them up to this.

Have you thought about...

I don't know, maybe going to therapy?

Oh, my God, with the therapy!

You gotta shut the fuck up about the therapy.

Look, I just think a good therapist

might be able to help you with your...

with your anger issues.

Are you calling me an angry Black woman?

No, no, no. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying... I'm not...

No one's calling...

not calling her an angry Black woman.

Let me tell you something. I am mixed, motherfucker, okay?

And my Black side is cool as hell right now.

Truly, she is wall-twerking at the Essence Fest,

living her best life in a white outfit with no stains.

But my white side? Ooh, baby!

You just pissed my white side off.

It's like you just asked me to put shoes on at Walmart,

and I ain't gonna do it. You understand what I'm saying?

I don't. I don't understand what you're saying, Coco.

Can we be done with this now, please?

Okay.

Goodbye, Margaret.

Your hair looks nice today.

She's not deaf.

Whatever.

Mama, you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, baby, I'm just, um...

Yeah, these are tears of joy, you know?

I'm just, like, really, really happy to see you, so...

Everything in my life is going really well.

It's going great.

Sorry I'm late, you guys. My day was crazy.

Oh, this is the best part.

Oh, what are you... Are you watching Pulp Fiction?

-No! No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. -What are you doing?

Travolta's about to get shot in the bathroom.

Hey, why don't you guys go upstairs and get ready for bed,

and I'll be up in a second, okay? Because it's 11:30.

I'm gonna say goodnight to your uncle, okay?

Jesus, what did you do in here?

I was teaching the kids how to cage fight.

I won every round.

Oh.

Oh, by the way, the dog took a dump on the rug.

But don't worry, I put a napkin over it.

Bye.

Hey, Dad. How you feeling?

Mm-hmm?

Oh, well...

Okay, you should probably listen to your doctor,

because he knows more about medicine than the guy from YouTube.

Right?

Uh-huh?

No, but you... Hello? Hello?

♪ I'm getting rid of everything ♪

♪ Starting with you ♪

♪ Starting with you ♪

♪ I'm learning What a fool I've been ♪

♪ For starting with you ♪

-Oh. Hi. -Hi!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

All good.

-Is Mel coming? -No.

I think she's in France.

You want, like, a latte or something?

No, no, no. I have exactly four minutes before my boss needs me back,

so can we just jump right in and talk about

what we're gonna do for Jane's birthday?

Let's do it. I can't wait. I'm so excited.

All right. So I was thinking...

Murder Mystery dinner party.

Um...

Girl, I worry about you sometimes.

All right, birthday girl.

-What do you want to do? -Uh.

Honestly, I want to just lay down

and have someone roll me up into a rug

and just sleep.

-That's it? -Yeah.

Okay. You want to sleep.

Maybe, um, a spa weekend, you know?

-Um, massages, champagne... -Oh, yeah.

Big comfy robes, totally stress-free.

Oh, my God. That sounds so nice.

That does.

-Right? -Yeah.

The last time I had a massage was, like, my last mammogram.

Wow. Good for you.

Get that mammogram, you little dirty bitch.

Have you guys ever been to the Solaris Eden Beach?

-Uh, no. -I've been. It's amazing.

That sounds really nice.

-So should I book it? -Should you...?

What?

No. Oh, no. I ca... I can't.

I thought we were just joking around.

Yeah. There's no way I can go away for an entire weekend.

My schedule's crazy. It's...

This is why we need a spa weekend, you guys, okay?

We never do anything for ourselves anymore. We don't.

When is the last time we had an adult hang?

Like, a real adult hang with, like, a pillow fight,

and, oops, my tit fell out?

We don't have to get that crazy, but maybe we do!

I don't know! But we're not doing that shit.

We're doing birthday parties at Skyzone and Chuck E Cheeses,

trying not to get the norovirus. What the fuck?

Truly. I mean, when's the last time

-we had an adult hang? -It's been a minute.

Hanging out with your friends is essential to our survival.

Do you understand? So come on. Let's fight for this.

-Yep. -Come on, birthday girl.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -What's up?

-You want to do this? -Mm-hmm!

-Let's do this. -Let's do this.

Sophie.

Okay. You know what? Screw it.

I am gonna ask my boss for a weekend off,

and I'll get my husband to watch the kids.

Yeah, girl!

I will call the expensive babysitter,

the one who doesn't fuck her boyfriend in my bed.

Bitch, I know that's right.

I can't believe she did that. That is so wild.

You should burn those sheets. But yes!

Come on! We're doing it.

Wait, wait, wait, though.

Uh... Do we need to invite Mel?

No. She's a lunatic.

We're going to a spa, not Vegas.

Well, you know what? She's a part of our friend group,

so doesn't it feel kind of mean to not invite her?

She's gonna find out that we all went away without her.

Or perhaps we're just adults,

and we admit that she's gonna ruin the vibe

because she's bat shit crazy.

Fine. We will not invite Mel.

Yes! Oh, my God. I am so excited!

-I just booked a room. -What?

We're going on a spa weekend, bitches!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Am I ready? ♪

♪ I'm ready to go... ♪

♪ Am I ready? ♪

-Oh, my God! -Ready, girl?

-Yes! -Here we go!

-♪ ...to be loved ♪ -♪ To be loved ♪

♪ Am I ready? ♪

♪ You deserve it right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I want it ♪

♪ That's what I'm talkin' about ♪

♪ Am I ready? ♪

♪ You gon' figure it out ♪

♪ To be loved... ♪

♪ To be loved ♪

♪ You found me I was fed up with the fantasy ♪

♪ What you wanna do? Think I'm ready, ooh ♪

♪ Think you like that Think you like that ♪

♪ When I clap back like that ♪

♪ Let me know ♪

-♪ Am I ready? ♪ -♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ I would have run away ♪

♪ And I don't know why ♪

-So cool! -Yeah!

-Look at this place! -Come on.

Namaste and welcome to Solaris Eden Beach.

Oh, namaste.

-You checking in today? -Oh, fuck yes.

Thank you.

Excuse me. What?

-Hello. -Oh, my God.

Fuck yes.

Oh, my God.

-Wow. -Are you kidding me?

It's gorgeous.

It's better than I remember it, to be honest.

-It's beautiful. -It's amazing.

-It was good! Yes. -Here?

Hello.

Welcome, Ms. Walsh, Ms. Bellinger, and Ms. McCloud.

Hello.

Oh, wow. I love it that you know all of our names,

but it's also kind of creepy.

My name is Ayurveda.

-Hmm! -Oh.

May I offer you a hibiscus water

or a complimentary glass of champagne?

-Champagne. -Oh, hibiscus water.

-Cham... Champagne. -Mm-hmm.

Champagne makes me fart.

We didn't need to know that, sis, but I love you.

-Ooh. Wow. -Yum.

-Look at that. -Thank you.

-So French. -Ooh.

-Cheers! -Cheers!

I have you staying in

our serenity villa for the next two nights. Are there any

spa appointments I could book for you at this time?

-Yeah. -Yes, all of them.

Oh, well, we do have over 45 spa treatments.

Read them to me, Ayurveda.

-Deep tissue massage. -Yes.

-Exfoliating facial. -Yes.

-Mud bath. -Yes.

-Goat yoga. -What kind of goats?

-Nigerian dwarf. -Then yes.

-Guided meditation. -Ew, boring. No.

What? No, that could be good for us.

What is a guided meditation?

It's a one-hour mental cleanse

led by our guru-slash-general manager,

-Shanti. -Who's Shanti?

I am Shanti.

Oh, shit.

Wow, she looks like girl Jesus.

-I want to touch her hair. -No.

I sense a great deal of stress and anxiety in all of you.

Come to my guided meditation.

I will heal you.

I love you, Shanti.

-Wow. -Okay, ladies.

The bellman will now escort you to your villa.

Wow, this place is gorgeous!

BELL[man] Thank you. It's lovely having you ladies over here.

Are we celebrating anything at all or...?

-Jane's birthday! -BELL[man] Oh! Happy birthday, Jane!

-Thank you! -Wow!

Okay, ladies, and on your right, you're gonna see

our swimming pool filled with alkaline water,

and over there is actually Aquarius,

the only poolside cafe in the world to receive two Michelin stars.

-Delicious! -Mm!

BELL[man] And here is one of the outdoor yoga classes.

-Huh. -Holy shit!

Is that guy even real?

My lady boner is thick.

-Jane, he's looking at you! -No.

Yes, he is.

Jane, he is checking you out.

Maybe he has a lazy eye.

Uh-huh.

Oh, would you ladies like to sign up for an outdoor yoga class?

-Yes. -Yes.

And welcome to your villa.

Whoa...

-No way. -Oh, my God.

-Yes! -Can we afford this?

No. No, we cannot. I got a huge discount through work.

Look at this view!

Oh, my God.

It's like the ocean in my mouth.

Oh, my God.

Everything is so new and so clean!

Wait, wait, wait.

Is this for us?

-I love free shit. -Yes, me too.

-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They gave us bathrobes!

-Yes! -Look at all of these

fancy lotions and oils!

Look at this couch!

I want to get titty fucked on this couch!

-Oh, my God! Yes! -Yes! Yes! Yes!

I want to get in too!

Get over here, Soph!

♪ The city Never looked the same ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm wet, wet, wet Wet, wet, w-wet ♪

♪ I'm wet, wet, wet and wild ♪

♪ I'm wet, wet, wet Wet, wet, w-wet ♪

You guys, this chair is perfect for twerking!

♪ Wild now, baby ♪

♪ She's wet, wet, wet And wild ♪

Oh...

-I'm so glad we came here. -Yeah.

I never want to go home.

Oh, my God, home.

What the hell is home? I don't know her.

-I miss my kids. -What?

No, I don't miss my kids.

Thank you for making this happen, Coco.

This is the best birthday present I could possibly imagine.

-It's perfect. -Yeah. Of course.

It is perfect. We deserve this.

What's up, you fucking nerds?!

Ah, fuck.

Is that Mel? What the fuck is she doing here?

Hey! This place is fancy!

I'll be back for you later, mate.

-I didn't invite her. -I didn't invite her.

Okay, I'm so sorry. I invited her super last minute.

I didn't think she would actually come. Her Instagram said she was in France.

Sophie! I will literally never forgive you for this shit.

Hey, what's up, you middle-aged sluts?

-Hi. -Hey.

-Hello. -Hey.

-Happy birthday, Jane. -Thank you.

Oh, I love that color on you.

Oh. It's white.

-Yeah, you still a lawyer? -Uh-huh.

Good, I need some help with that.

-Hey, Mel. -How are you?

-Great. So good to see you. -Yeah!

Soph. Sophie. Aw...

Oh, I missed you.

Well, guys, guess what?

There wasn't a room, but no worries.

I'm gonna crash with y'all.

It's a slumber party, motherfuckers.

-Yay! -Oh, good.

So... we thought you were in France.

Oh, yeah, because of my Insta? No. Pfft.

Je suis dans Paris avec mon very hot, young boyfriend.

But then I got your invite, Soph, and I flew over here on my jet.

Oh. I wouldn't have missed Janey's birthday for anything.

So if you're flying private, things must be going really well for you.

Uh, yeah, I totally have my own online business,

and it's really not a pyramid scheme.

The way you just said that makes it feel like it's,

uh, very much a pyramid scheme.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about business.

We are here to party.

And don't worry.

I brought my trusty margarita machine.

Wow.

Yeah. Oh, you know what I was thinking about the other day?

You know how in every female friend group,

there's always one woman

that all the other women secretly can't stand?

Uh...?

-Huh. -Is that right?

How great that we aren't like that.

-I love you, sweetie! -It's pretty great.

I missed you, Soph!

Aw...

Well, um...

Why'd you bring so many dildos?

Oh, that's just my travel collection.

Y'all can borrow them.

-Oh. -Was I supposed to bring a dildo?

Oh!

Dudes, I forgot to say, I got us all matching T-shirts

so we could wear them all weekend together.

I didn't have time to get them printed up, so I made them myself.

Yay. "Jane's birthday."

-Chicks before dicks." -Yeah?

Oh, that's nice. It rhymes.

-Right? Chicks before dicks. -Okay.

Oh, wow. That was...

So what's our first spa treatment?

Um... Well, we were gonna do a guided meditation.

Let's do it! Let's meditate the fuck out of each other!

Namaste, and welcome.

Please, join us in the circle of abundance.

-Oh... okay. -Thank you, Shanti.

The goal of this guided meditation is to drive all of the fear out of our bodies

so that we may become our bravest, wisest, most intentional self.

Shanti, is that dude gonna play his bowls the whole time?

It sounds like a broken doorbell.

Music is a crucial part of the restorative process.

Got it, Shants.

Now, I've given each of you a parchment.

On it, I want you to write down your greatest fear.

I will then read your fears aloud,

and then burn them in this African fire pot that Bono gave me.

Oh.

-Ooh. -Please, begin.

Okay, wait, Shanti, what if I've got two biggest fears?

Like, one, obviously, biggest fear is bears.

Second biggest fear, Tom Hanks.

-You may write down either. -Ah.

Now, please place your fears into this bowl and pass it along.

I will now read your fears aloud

so that you may begin to free yourselves from their toxic power.

"I am scared that no one will ever find me attractive."

That's gotta be that guy.

That's that guy. Look at him.

-Ms. Wiggins. -Uh, no, but I...

Just saying what everybody's thinking. I mean, he looks like Super Mario. Right?

Ms. Wiggins, I will have to ask you to leave the circle if you cannot zip...

A mamma mia, Shanti!

Sorry.

That was cool.

"I am scared that I will never find love again."

Oh, I know I shouldn't talk. But Jane, is that you?

Ms. Wiggins!

You don't need to think that. You are so cute.

And you've got all your teeth.

-You will totally find love again. -Okay, thank you.

Thank you so much. Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.

But can I just say also,

a-Mario might be a-vailable

if you're interested.

Ms. Wiggins!

So sorry.

"I am scared of how out of control I feel."

Oh, no, Coco, is that you?

The divorce really did a number on you.

Why are you so bad at this?

You need to leave the circle right now.

I want to leave the circle, but don't worry.

I'm gonna just zip it. There you go. Zip. Mm!

If you say one more word, you're out.

"I am scared of...

bears."

I couldn't spell Tom Hanks.

Oh, my God!

All right, well, that's enough meditation for me.

I hope you wackos get your shit together.

Oh, hey, Shanti, can I take one of these crystals?

Oh!

Oh...

Namaste.

I am, uh... I'm so sorry.

She is the friend that we don't like.

Stop. She couldn't help herself.

You guys, she's totally ruining our spa weekend.

I know. I am so sorry I invited her.

-Me, too. -How do we fix it?

We could just talk to her. We can talk to her. We can tell her to leave.

-No. We can't just throw her out. -Why not?

Because she used to be our best friend. We have so much history together.

Oh, my God. I have history with a lot of things.

I have history with drunk driving.

I have history with gambling addiction.

I have history with Chumbawumba.

I-I have history with small backpacks, okay?

-Sophie, people change. -Yes.

-Okay? -It will break her heart

-if we throw her out. -Okay...

Oh, my God. You know, you... Wait a minute, guys.

No, absolutely not, okay?

Like, we have to suffer all weekend so she can be comfortable?

No, this is... What about Jane?

This is her special birthday weekend.

And honestly, why are we doing this to ourselves?

-You know why? -Why?

Because we're women.

And from the second we're born,

we're told we have to be nice to everyone, and it's bullshit.

That's bullshit. I hate that shit.

I... I like being nice to people.

-Oh, shut up, Sophie. -Oh, my God. What a kink.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna have a reasonable adult conversation with her,

and we're gonna say, "Dial it down for the weekend."

-Yes. Absolutely. -Okay?

I invited her. I will talk to her, okay?

We are... We're gonna make this work.

-Done. -Hey, shitheads!

Yep. Can't wait to see her dial that shit down.

Hey, Mel.

Hey, guys.

Hey. So you're, um... eating fast food in a Michelin-star restaurant.

It's a choice.

Dude, I couldn't even read the menu. It doesn't even make sense.

So, Mel, we need to talk to you about something important.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, hit me up.

-We love your energy. -Mm-hmm.

-Yeah. -But we came here to relax.

So if there's a way you could just dial it down a little bit

and not make a scene everywhere you go?

Yeah. Cool. No worries. Of course. Happy to.

-Really? -Mm! Yeah.

I'll be on my best behavior.

-Okay. -Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you.

Holy shit! Who's this dick rip per?

Oh. Hey, that's the hot yoga teacher

-that was checking you out from before. -Oh, of course.

Jane, he checked you out?

-No, he wasn't. No. -What?

-No. He actually was. -No, he...

Hey. Big Dick!

-No. -Big Dick!

Hey! Get over here. Yeah, you.

Come over here.

Hey, remember just a few seconds ago when you said

you weren't gonna cause a scene? Don't do that.

-Come here. Come here. -Mel. Mel.

-Come on, Magic Mike. -Uh...

Let's see your big dong.

Uh, yeah, I'd love to, but I've gotta teach a yoga class, so...

Hey, you an Aussie?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm from Byron.

I'm from Wollongong.

Oh, cool. Cool.

I do need to get to the class, so...

Dude, relax. No one gives a shit about yoga.

-Come on. Sit down. -Okay.

All right.

What is your name, Princess?

Uh, Kai.

Oh. That's such a stupid name.

-That's so sad. -Thank you.

This is Jane.

-Hi. Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

She's hot. She wants to party.

No, please don't say things like that.

Obviously, she's on the older side, but she's got a porno body.

Stand up. Show your body.

I'm not gonna stand up.

-I'm not gonna do that. -Show him who you...

-Show him your perfect tits. -I'm not gonna do that.

Okay. And she's also into butt stuff.

-Oh, boy. -Oh, my God. Mel.

What is butt stuff?

What do you think butt stuff is?

-I'll give you 100 bucks... -Oh, wow.

To fuck my friend.

Okay. Well, this is...

Yeah, it's been batshit crazy,

-but, uh, enjoy your stay. -She is.

It was nice to meet you, Jane.

-Yeah, you too. -Nice to meet you.

-Bye. -Bye.

I think that went well.

Welcome to goat yoga.

Do we get to eat the goat after we're done?

Oh, my God. Uh.

No. No. No, we definitely do not eat the goats, okay?

Let's bring them in.

Aww.

Hi!

Hello. Hello.

Hi, goats!

Aw...

Okay, everyone. Let's start by walking our hands forward

into cat pose.

-Oh. Oh! -Forward.

Stretching out that spine.

Oh, wow! Look, Jane's got a goat on her back.

-Oh, ah. -Aw, that's so cute.

Keeping our hearts bright, everyone.

Hearts bright.

-Are you okay? -Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my boss is just freaking out because he ran out of Skittles.

What? He's such an idiot.

Dude, forget about him.

Hey, watch this.

I'm fucking the goat.

He likes it.

I love you.

Ow, fuck!

Ugh.

Guys, I think I broke my fupa.

Please stay calm. Stay calm. The goats are getting spooked.

Okay, you know what? You're coming on very strong.

I've got to get out of here. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Don't open that door!

Oh!

I'm vegan.

I'm vegan.

My God, this is insane. Look at all this shit.

-I know, it's only getting worse. -We...

We have... Listen, we have to get away from Mel.

-We, like, have to do it. -I know.

Oh, my God, my boss is calling me again.

No.

Brah, she is on vacation.

Stop calling her!

You're welcome.

What did you just do?

Dude, relax. Soph, this is a good thing.

You can't let people walk all over you your whole life.

You have to stand up for yourself.

He's gonna call back any second.

See? There he is, he's calling.

Hello, Toby.

No, no, that was just my friend Mel.

But Toby, I've worked for you for 10 years.

Did you get a raise?

He just fired me.

-Oh, my God, Soph. What? -Oh, I'm sorry.

Mel.

I really saw that going differently.

What did you think was gonna happen?

-I-I'm so sorry. I just... -What is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

-Coco? -Roger?

What are you doing here?

What? What am I doing...? You tell me.

I got a text saying that you were on your deathbed.

So I raced over here.

-What is going on? -That's insane. What do you mean?

Who would even tell you that I am on my...

-Oh. -deathbed?

Since your divorce, you've completely lost your mind.

You guys need to get your shit together.

Okay, so you want to tell me

that you invited my ex-husband

to our relaxing spa weekend?

You thought that that shit would be a good idea?

Uh, yeah. They say that talking is the best medicine.

Laughter. Laughter is the best medicine.

Actually, penicillin is the best medicine.

I am so sorry that this person told you to come here.

You don't need to be here. You can go home.

I am okay. Okay?

Yep. Okay. Okay.

-Great. -Sorry, Rog.

No, that's...

He loves you. He looked pretty cute,

and he came down here to your big gazoonkis

-and your gorgeous hair. -Are you kidding me?

-You're so beautiful. -Are you fucking kidding me with this?

Get the fuck off me, bitch!

Fuck you, Coco!

-Oh! -Human shield.

-Oh, my God! -Sophie! Are you okay?

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.

-Are you okay? -Yeah, I just, um...

I just...

Maybe we should spend a little time apart. You know?

Hey, Lyla. Hey, how's your dad doing?

Oh, my God. So much better.

-Thanks for asking. -Oh, I'm glad to hear it.

You want me to check if your dinner is ready?

-If that's not too much trouble. -Yeah. Yeah. Be right back.

Thanks, Lyla.

It's, um... It's Jane, right?

Hi.

Hi.

I was hoping you wouldn't remember me.

Oh, no. I don't think I'm ever gonna forget that conversation.

That's great. Great.

Your, uh... your friend seems like a real character.

Hmm. If by real character you mean complete maniac, then, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, well, you gotta have a few crazy friends, right?

They keep you on your toes.

-Maybe. -Mm.

-Or not. Maybe not. -Mm? Maybe not?

-Hmm. -Speaking of which,

where are they? Your friends?

Um... We're just taking a little time out.

-We had a fistfight in the lobby. -A fistfight?

You know what? Can I just say something?

Okay. Yeah, I think you're about to.

This whole spa thing is such a scam.

You pay a zillion bucks to come here

and get a fucking back rub and listen to space music

and do yoga, which is stretching, by the way.

You know, I'm a yoga teacher. Remember we met...

Between you and me...

I mean... It's stretching.

Mm-hmm, sure. It's how I get paid, so...

And then you're supposed to walk out of here a completely new person,

all centered and grounded and chill.

-But do I look chill to you? -Not really.

-I don't feel chill. -No. You don't look it.

No. And I think that spas don't work.

And I think that this place is dumb.

-Oh, damn. -Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry that you're not enjoying it, Jane.

-And another thing. -Mm-hmm?

I know what you're up to.

I see through this whole charade.

Okay. What... hold on. What am I up to? What did I do?

I know this place hires good-looking Australian guys

to flirt with all the moms.

-Uh-huh. -Huh.

Frankly, I find it a little insulting.

Well, you shouldn't, but it's not really true.

-Yeah. And I just want you to know... -Right...

that it's not gonna work on me, Crocodile Dundee.

-How'd you know that reference? -Here you go, Kai.

-Have a good night. -Oh, thanks, Lyla.

Um...

You know what? I actually...

I think I'm gonna eat here at the bar with my adorable friend Jane. Yeah.

Apparently she's having a very hard time relaxing. I'm just...

I'm a bit worried she might start breaking everything in here, honestly.

Hey, if you see a bunch of hair in the sink,

don't worry. It's just my pubes.

Oh, wow.

Wait, what are you working on?

Oh, I'm just looking for a new job.

Oh, wow.

Oh, right.

Yeah. Sorry I got you fired.

You know, maybe it's for the best.

Yeah, you could always come and work for me, you know.

I'm rich.

-Really? -Uh-huh.

So...

What is it exactly that you do now?

I invest in reverse crypto.

Wow.

What is reverse crypto?

I don't know. But I put all my money in it now.

I'm just too embarrassed to ask.

Oh...

I love this show.

Have you seen this show? It's called Friends.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God. Look at this.

That's like us. We used to be like that.

Aw...

Thanks for inviting me this weekend, Soph.

It's been really nice to reconnect.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

I feel like we never hang out anymore together.

-How come? -It's just...

I have so many things in my life that I have to do.

My job, my family, the kids.

And I don't have to see my friends,

so they end up taking a back seat.

-It sucks. -Yeah.

I mean, your life sounds awful.

Well, I mean, it's not that bad.

Listen, I know my life looks amazing.

I'm ginger, but I tan. I've got hair extensions. I'm rich.

My cholesterol's pretty good for my age.

But you know what?

The most important thing to me, my priority, is you guys.

If you need something, I mean, anything you fucking need,

I'm here for you.

Like, you want fucking Chinese Ozempic, I'll get it for you.

You want to see a cock fight between two roosters?

I'll do it.

You want me to bleach your butthole?

I fucking got you, mate.

You and my crew, it's hos before bros.

I'm glad you came. I am.

I'm really glad I'm here, too.

Thanks, Soph.

Do you want to build a fort and wrestle?

-Okay. -Yay!

You gotta be kidding me.

-What are you still doing here? -Uh...

Their, uh, car charger is down, so I gotta spend the night.

Oh, it explains the outfit.

-Oh, this old thing? -Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I did buy out the gift shop,

-uh... -Oh.

And you would not believe how much it costs to look this stupid.

Yeah, I thought you were going to go work on a cruise ship or something. It's...

It's something.

Can I get a hit?

Yeah, sit down.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Why did you come here?

Because I still care about you, Coco.

Oh, God, give me a break.

You ain't getting none tonight, okay?

You're not getting it in, sir.

-Getting it in? -Yes. You're not.

I'm not trying to get anything in.

-I'm just... -Okay, good.

Trying to tell you that I miss you.

-You miss me? -Yeah.

Okay.

What, your, like, really old girlfriend, like, fall and break her hip?

Is that why you miss me?

Do you even know why I started dating Margaret?

Oh, wow.

We're just gonna go there. Okay.

It's because she's nice.

I am so fucking nice.

I have done so many fucking nice things for you.

Yeah, but you don't treat people nicely, Coco. There's a difference.

“Oh, you don't treat people nicely.

There's a difference.”

Fuck.

Look, I know it's not easy.

I just think that you could benefit from

you know, some professional help for your anger.

Or maybe I am just angry because my husband

-left me for Angela Merkel. -Okay, Co...

Maybe that, okay? Thank you so much.

Coco, you were angry before the divorce.

-Shut up. -You've always been this angry.

Oh, my God. Here we go again.

Why am I so angry then?

I don't know. Maybe it's...

because your parents weren't around

and you're mad that you never got a chance to be a kid.

Or maybe it's because the world is

especially fucked up right now.

I just think...

that it's worth trying to figure out.

I-I don't like...

I don't want to be this angry all the time. I don't.

It doesn't feel good. It's exhausting.

I-I want to... I want to forgive you.

I wish we could be, like, one happy family again,

but I'm not wired like that. I'm just not.

Yeah, I know.

-See you back in L.A. -Yeah.

See you back in L.A.

-Can you do me a favor, though? -Sure.

Can you, um...

Can you wear this outfit?

What are you, like the oldest ball boy at the U.S. Open?

I don't know what this is about.

-I'll see you soon, Coco. -All right.

-Here we go. -Thank you.

All right.

-So, you feeling a bit more chill? -Mm-hmm?

-Hm? Yeah? -Yes.

But that's because of the wine, not because of this stupid spa.

Okay, look.

I don't usually do this, but...

I can help you fully relax if you want.

-You didn't just say that. -What? Yeah, I did.

-Does that line actually work on people? -Oh, my...

Just give me your hand. Here.

-What? -Give me...

Give me your hand. Come on.

Give it here. All right.

Do you know what manotantric massage is?

-Uh, no. -No?

And I'm okay not knowing.

Well, manotantric massage is the art of activating

-various pressure points on your hand... -Mm-hmm?

In order to trigger different emotions.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I mean, it feels nice. It does. It feels good. It's, um...

Oh.

Okay.

That feels relaxing.

Wow.

Uh... Oh, my God. Wow.

I feel like I'm in a Sade video.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

But it... [stammers] It feels like, you know, a hand massage.

Like a, you know...

Like you feel when you get a hand massage.

-Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -So...

-Well, I'm sorry to hear that. -Uh-huh.

Uh... Let me try a different spot.

-Mm. -Hmm.

And what is this supposed to...

Complete emotional release.

Uh-huh.

Um...

That's...

It's so weird.

That one, I don't feel a-at all.

Yeah, that one's not affecting me at all.

But maybe you should stop doing that one.

Okay. I'll stop. I'll stop.

Yeah, let me try...

something else.

Oh!

Hello.

Wow. What's that one?

Ah, I think we both know

-what that one is, Jane. -Uh-huh?

Actually, that just feels like normal...

everyday massage.

Fuck me.

Whoa. Whoa.

What? How are you doing this?

-Well, the human hand has... -Never mind.

-Don't talk. Don't talk. -Uh-huh.

Just go to the left. To the left.

To the left. Ooh...

That is manotantric massage.

Uh-huh.

I'm very sorry that had no effect on you.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm?

Do you want to continue the massage back at my place?

-Yes, okay. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh... shit.

Oh... Hey. Just getting back from last...

No.

Hey, guys.

-Jane fucked last night. -What?

Oh, you were wearing that last night. You fucked someone?

Wait. But I...

Oh, my God. She got fingered by a dick.

-Okay, okay. -You got fingered by a dick?

-Huh? -Who'd you have sex with?

Can we talk about this maybe a little later?

I bet she fucked the yoga guy.

Just... It was...

Uh... What?

-Wait, how... -She did.

She... Look how happy she is. She had sex with the yoga guy.

-Look at that. -How was it?

Which time?

Yeah!

It was crazy.

And I don't know what he did to me,

but my back feels better.

Ooh. I'm into it, girl. My neck hurts.

Can I fuck him next?

Honestly, yes, you should. You all should.

I feel like I'm 25 again.

No, wait. So you're not gonna see him again?

No. No, I'm not

-going to see him again. -What?

-Why not? -That's crazy.

Because it's the guy that you sleep with on your weekend away,

not the... the guy you bring home to your kids.

Yeah, but there's other weekends

that you could just hook up with him and have fun.

Anyway, we have to get ready.

We're going to be late for our massages.

Um...

I think she really likes him.

-She totally likes him. -She really likes him.

Wait, so we shouldn't

try to fuck him?

-No, girl, don't do that. -Please don't.

Ooh, it smells so good in here.

Wow-wow wa-wa-wee-wow!

Ooh!

-No, no, Mel. -Oh.

-Hello. -Hi.

We're here for our massages.

Um.

I'm sorry, but a-a client has just paid with airline miles

and this has crashed our system.

I don't know why this keeps happening.

AdvantageMiles or SkyMiles?

Oh, uh... SkyMiles.

Oh. Yeah, SkyMiles always glitch out

if you use them for anything other than air travel.

Um, m-may I?

Um, yeah, sure. Guess she's coming in. Okay.

Okay, so you just need to convert them

into BonusPlus miles...

and then code them as Amex Executive Points.

And...

Okay. All right,

you're back in business.

-Okay, girl. She did that. -Boom. Drop the mic.

How did you do that?

Uh, my old boss traveled a lot,

so I just completely nerded out on all the rewards programs.

-Hey, hey, hey, can I say something? -Wow. This took a turn.

-You should hire her. -What?

I know that blonde hair makes her fucking so sexy

you can't believe that she doesn't have a monkey brain.

But that bitch

is someone you need to have working for you.

'Cause clearly you're surrounded by morons.

I mean, that guy there with an ice skating bun

and two hairy testicles on his chin,

I-I don't think he can be handling the computer.

Look, we're not hiring here right now.

But, um, if you're interested

in working on another Solaris property,

we're always looking for amazing people like you.

Huh.

Wow.

-Okay, what's happening? -Oh, she's crying.

Oh, she's cry... Oh, Jesus.

I'm sorry.

It's just my old boss never said anything nice to me ever.

Okay, Bubs. Just stop crying. It's getting weird, okay?

Um.

Anyway, I do have a resume, if you'd like to see it.

Yeah.

You email it to me,

and I'll pass on to corporate right away.

Thank you, Kent.

Now, ladies, who's ready for a massage?

♪ Primadonna girl ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ All I ever wanted Was the world ♪

♪ I can't help that I need It all ♪

♪ The Primadonna life The rise and fall ♪

♪ Got you wrapped around My finger, babe ♪

♪ You can count on me To misbehave ♪

-♪ Primadonna girl ♪ -♪ Going up ♪

♪ Going down, down, down ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Anything for the crown ♪

♪ Crown, crown... ♪

♪ When the lights dimming... ♪

♪ Down, down, down I spin around ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a Primadonna girl ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ All I ever wanted Was the world ♪

♪ I can't help that I need It all ♪

♪ The Primadonna life The rise and fall ♪

♪ You say that I'm kind of ♪

♪ Difficult... ♪

♪ But it's always Someone else's fault ♪

♪ Primadonna girl ♪

What's our next treatment?

-Um, seaweed wraps... -Mm.

And I think it's about a three minute

-walk away. -Cool.

Wha... Are you cra... three minute walk?

Guys, no way. We've got to get an Uber or something.

We can't walk that far. We're not soldiers.

-What? -It's not that long.

-It really isn't. -Three minutes.

Whoa. I got a better idea.

-Uh, no, Mel. No. No, Mel. -No.

-Come on, Mel. -No, Mel, you're not gonna

-steal a golf cart. -Uh, mm-mm.

Guys, get in.

I'm not stopping till you get in.

Okay, let's do it.

Oh, God, having white friends is so hard.

Whee!

Hey, do you guys remember that time we...

Whoa!

Oh, shit, you guys. Sophie fell out.

Oh, shit! That was awesome.

-We thought you were dead. -I'm sorry I fell

-out of the car. -Are you gonna have to

-go to the hospital? -No, I'm...

Oh, we've got company!

Why are you driving away?!

-Oh, relax. It's spa police. -Stop it!

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Sorry.

♪ Turn electric on a dime ♪

♪ And then I start ♪

♪ to lose control ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

-Oh, my god! -♪ Just let it go ♪

Oh, wine tasting!

♪ Supersonic ♪

♪ Tonight, I want it ♪

♪ So keep it coming ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Supersonic ♪

♪ Tonight, I want it ♪

♪ So keep it coming ♪

Holy fuck, guys, that was awesome!

-Guys, my shoe's stuck. -What?

Don't worry. I got this.

Look out! Look out!

I-I don't got this. I'm out.

What the fuck!

Oh, my God!

Sorry!

What is wrong with you people?

Shanti, sorry. Can I just say,

I did lose one of my shoes in the golf cart crash,

and I just wondered, who do I speak to

about getting reimbursed?

Do you think this is funny?

So obviously, I'm kicking you out of my spa

effective immediately.

-Oh, no. -Well...

Oh, my God. Why? No.

It's her birthday weekend. That's crazy.

Well, actually, you can't kick us out.

And why is that?

Pursuant to section 325

of the California Tenants' Bill of Rights,

you must file a written warning

before evicting occupants from their rooms.

What a fuck ton of fun. You're a lawyer.

Well, I will issue

a written warning and that will be your last warning.

The next time one of you dickheads

is even remotely out of line

I am calling the police. Do you understand?

-Yes, Shanti. -Yup.

Now go!

Okay. Thank you, Shanti.

I'm sorry we're dickheads.

Hi. Are you still serving lunch?

-I'm sorry, no. -Oh, no?

But...

-Hi. -Hi.

Everything okay?

I just, um... missed lunch.

Yeah, we can't have that. Come on.

-Here we go. -♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

Hey, Sammy, can I get a station?

Hey, yeah, sure. Use, uh, 16.

Thanks, mate.

All right. Take a seat.

Okay.

♪ Another day with my baby... ♪

♪ That's all I want... ♪

♪ You're my Sweet little darling ♪

♪ Tell me What we sleeping for? ♪

-Aw, yes. -♪ Want your days ♪

♪ Want your nights... ♪

♪ And all that's in between ♪

How do you know how to do this?

I've worked in a lot of kitchens over the years.

-Mm-hmm. -When I was younger,

I always thought I'd

open my own little restaurant someday.

Yeah? And then what happened?

Uh...

I got into yoga. I started working here,

and it's just such a cushy gig, you know? So...

-You gave up on your dreams? -Oh...

Ouch.

-But you're not wrong, yeah. -Mm.

Mm!

Too tight?

That's great.

-Hi, hello. -Hello.

I'm here to check in for my mud bath.

Last name is Bellinger.

So your private room is just down this hall.

Your name is written on the door.

Put it there. Look at us, bitch.

-You got this. -Mud.

Oh, sh...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Coco, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

I booked this mud bath for me,

and they brought me here because...

because we have the same last name.

Yeah, they double booked us.

-Um... -Okay. Great. This is, um...

I'm gonna go see if they have another room available

for another Bellinger, which is me.

Wait, wait, wait. Coco. Just...

Take the other side. I mean, there's plenty of room.

Um...

Okay.

Wait, you got a bathing suit on under there?

Mm-hmm.

Cool. You just keep your hands to yourself.

Okay.

So what did you want to be when you were little, hey?

Uh... Well, I've always wanted to be a lawyer.

Hmm. Do you still love your job?

-I do. I do love it. Mm-hmm. -Yeah?

I love helping people and...

I mean, sometimes, if my boss is dumping too much work on me

or my kids are sick

or my dad's being a nightmare, I, um...

I feel like I'm being buried alive.

But other than that, it's great.

Tell me, what's one thing that you do

that's just totally for yourself?

One thing I do for... Okay.

-Mm-hmm. -So that's easy.

Um...

Well, I... I...

-What? It's... -Struggling?

Um...

Look, 99% of this wellness stuff,

it's bullshit, right?

But the self-care part of it is real.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just... You have to put yourself first

and just do what you want to do.

-Hmm. -'Cause, Jane,

when people just give and give and give,

eventually there's nothing left and they crash.

I'd hate to see that happen to you.

Yeah.

You're gonna make me really like you, aren't you?

Whatever do you mean?

Mm.

It needs more garlic.

No, it's perfect.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

-Come on in. -I mean...

Oh, this is, like, amazing.

-Yeah, it's good, right? Yeah. -It feels good.

It's, like, healing. It's got, like, um, like a...

-like a creamy texture. -Like a creamy texture.

Shut up. Stop.

So, um, why aren't you in LA yet?

Margaret wasn't very happy that I came out here to see you.

-Is that so? -That is so.

Margaret's jealous of moi? Hmm.

You know, she knows that I still have feelings for you

and, um, can't be easy for her.

It's gotta be really hard for her, like,

harder than figuring out what Wi-Fi is or...

Coco!

Does she always have, like, hard candies for you?

-You are... You're the worst. -What?

What? I just want to know.

Does she like to go for...

long walks at the mall because it's super flat?

What?

Rog, do not hit my hair, okay?

I have a perfect curl right now.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

-I meant to do that. -Yeah.

Oh, you're gonna get it now, boy.

Right...

-Okay, okay, okay. -Are you serious?

-No, no, no. Oh, my God. -Damn, boy!

-I think... -Oh, no. Oh, no. Are you okay?

-Let me see your eye. -It's okay.

Wait. Is that... wait.

-It's like... open your eye. -Oh, no. It's a sneak attack.

Oh!

-You are gonna fucking get it! -No, no, no. I get to do that.

Oh!

Hah!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no. Too deep. Too deep. Too deep.

Mm.

-It's so good. -So good.

-Mm. -Hmm.

Oh, hey, Coco.

-Hey. -Hi.

-What's up? -Oh, hi.

-Oh, hey. -Uh-oh.

-What... -Something's weird.

-What? -What's happening?

I fucked Roger.

-What? -No!

And I think I want to, like, keep fucking Roger?

Yay! Are you guys getting back together?

I don't know. I don't... maybe.

I have no idea.

I didn't know you can even, like, fuck your ex.

I thought you guys just, like,

had sex or something, you know, sad.

But we fucked. He fucked me.

Aw.

I feel like I want to, um, maybe give him a second chance?

-That would be amazing. Yes. -Amazing.

Oh, that's me.

Oh, my God. It's my old boss.

Pick it up.

Put that shit on speaker.

-Toby. -Sophie,

you gotta help me.

-A-Are you running? -Yes.

I-I forgot the code to my third ski house,

so I tried to break in.

And now I'm being attacked by my own dogs.

Do you know my code?

-I do. -Oh, great.

I do know your code,

but I...

don't work for you anymore, remember?

-What? -That's right, girl.

-Yes! -You fired me

after I decided to spend the weekend with my friends.

-Yep. -That's right.

I know, I know. I should not have done that.

But if you come back to work for me right now,

I-I will double your pay.

You should have thought about that before you fired me.

Anticipate, right?

Ooh!

Are you really gonna let me get eaten by a dog?

Never call me again, you fucking prick.

Bye!

-Yes! Yes! -Oh, my God!

Amazing!

I feel like I just drank an entire soda.

Oh!

-Oh, who's that now? -Oh. Guys, guys.

Jane's birthday present is here.

Come in. The door's open.

Do you know what this is?

♪ Oh ♪

Who are these enormous men?

Oh, Mel brought strippers to the spa.

-♪ Well I tried to tell you so ♪ -Goodness.

-No way! -♪ Yes, I did but I guess ♪

♪ You didn't know ♪

♪ As the saddest story goes ♪

-♪ Baby, now I got the flow ♪ -Wait, it's my t-shirts!

♪ 'Cause I knew it From the start ♪

-Ooh. -They are coordinated.

Right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can touch their dicks, but it's five bucks extra.

Their dicks look like a hot potato in a microwave.

♪ You lied to me ♪

-♪ Yes, I cried ♪ -Oh, oh!

♪ Yes, I cried ♪

-♪ Return of the Mack... ♪ -Okay, happy birthday!

Aw!

-Thank you. -Aw...

I will cherish this present forever.

-Oh, you're so welcome. -Thank you.

Show us your dicks,

-you cowards. Come on! -Happy birthday!

Who are all these people?

I invited everyone from the hotel.

So, listen, can we just, uh,

not let things get out of control, all right?

Because Shanti is going to murder us.

Nothing is gonna get out of control.

Oh, there's a-Mario.

I'm gonna have a-sex with him.

No.

What is happening?

♪ You lied to me ♪

Oh, there's the birthday girl.

-Hi. Hi. -Hello.

Oh...

-♪ Oh, little girl... ♪ -Hello.

Well, it seems I forgot my little tiny gold shorts at home.

-You did. -So...

Would you like to dance?

Yes.

I can't stop thinking about your gnocchi.

Well, you've, uh...

you've inspired me to think about

opening my own place again, actually.

-Really? -Yeah.

I don't think I've ever inspired anyone before.

-Come on. -No.

-Really? -No.

How... That can't be true. I mean,

you do the impossible every day.

-I find that so inspiring. -Thank you.

I'd, uh...

I'd really like to see you again, Jane.

Oh.

You don't have to do that.

-You don't have to... -Do what?

You don't have to do...

pretend that you want to see me again,

just so I can leave here with my dignity intact.

No, no, no, that's... That's not what I'm doing.

Okay?

Plus, why would you want to see me again?

You're you,

and I'm some weird lady.

You're not a weird lady.

Don't say that.

No, but let me just say thank you for this weekend.

-It's been... -I'm glad.

Truly the best... I've had the best time.

-Jane... -And...

I genuinely like you, okay?

And I want to see you again.

Oh...

Are you serious?

Uh, yes. Why is that so hard to believe? Of course.

Well, that would be... I mean, I would love that.

-But how? -Um...

I could come down to LA next week, yeah?

I don't think, um...

I'm not, um, free until July 19th.

Three... Three months from now? Really?

I have two kids. You know that.

I have a sick dad and my...

I have a job that's, um...

I don't know if I have room in my life

for a relationship right now.

Are...

Are you being serious?

Well, I just don't see how it could work in the real world.

I'm sorry.

All right, um...

Boy, I... I feel stupid.

Um... I'm just gonna go, Jane.

But wait. Did...

Shit.

♪ Give me your love Give me your heart ♪

♪ Give me all your love ♪

♪ Give me your heart ♪

♪ Give me your love Give me your heart ♪

-Hey. -Hey.

Hi, so, um, we're actually having a party,

and I want to know if you want to come with me

and, like, come dance and hang out.

Roger, who is it?

-Who's that? -Look...

Who the hell is that, Roger?

Who the hell is that?

Roger, why is your very old girlfriend sitting on your bed?

I'm 57.

Bitch, don't tell people that. You look old as fuck.

Coco, can you calm down, please?

No. No, I will not calm down.

You cannot get with me in the afternoon

and then get with Barbara Bush at night.

Are you crazy?

Look, I told Margaret

what happened between us in the mud bath.

Okay? And she drove out here to talk it through.

Oh, please. Why would she do that?

Just listen.

Margaret and I broke up.

Oh.

Well, why didn't you...

Why didn't you say that?

Way to bury the lede, babe. Oh, my God.

Hey, Margaret, um, you can go home now.

-Actually, Coco... -All the way home.

-Tell her to go home, baby. -No, it's... it's... it's just...

-Let her go. -Okay, Coco.

Come to the party with me.

I... I...

I don't think I want to be with you either.

What?

Your anger is just... It's...

It's too much, and I just... just can't do this anymore.

I don't... I don't want to be around it anymore.

-I'm sorry. -No. Get off me.

♪ I got moves Like a body breaker ♪

♪ Come shake what you got Come dance with me ♪

♪ Shake, shake I'm a dance floor terminator ♪

-Move! -♪ I'll be back ♪

♪ Won't see you later Shake, shake ♪

♪ I got moves like... ♪

Whoa...

♪ Dance with me Shake, shake ♪

What is happening?

Mel bet the stripper five bucks

that she would ride him for 30 seconds.

Jane, you want to take a turn?

No!

Soph, do you want to ride him next?

No, thank you. I don't ride people.

Giddyup!

Whoa...

-Ow... -Oh!

Oh...

♪ Shake it down Down, down, down ♪

♪ Shake it down ♪

♪ I'm a dance floor terminator ♪

I love you.

All right, everyone. Party's over.

Take off your clothes!

Uh, I think they're real.

Not again!

-Jesus Christ. -Girls, like, I can't...

I cannot even believe this is happening right now.

On the plus side, um, in prison, there are three meals a day.

You can catch up on your shows.

Shut the fuck up, Mel.

This is all your fault. You know that?

I feel like it's Shanti's fault, but not really my fault.

This is not Shanti's fault. This is your fault.

Who called strippers to our spa weekend?

Who called my ex?

Who got Sophie fired from her job?

Who brought a-a crazy Scarface amount of cocaine?

You! It's your fault!

Okay, I feel like you're just focusing on

the negative stuff that I did.

Nobody wanted you here this weekend.

How do you not get that?

No, Coco.

The three of us wanted to come here without you.

But Sophie felt bad and decided to invite you last minute,

hoping that you wouldn't show up.

But somehow you showed up.

You know why? Because you, you're like a fungus.

You just go into places where nobody wants you.

All right, maybe that's too far.

-You know? -No! Fuck that, Jane.

Why do we have to constantly spare her feelings

while she ruins our lives?

We are in jail right now.

Let that sink in!

Wait, is that true, Soph?

You didn't want me to come?

Jane?

You are the friend nobody likes.

Coco, stop.

Good morning, morons.

Hi, Shanti.

-Good morning, Shanti. -Shanti.

Are these the women responsible for destroying your spa?

Yes. And I want to press all of the charges.

Very well.

Come with me and I'll take your statement.

Wait!

This is my fault.

I trashed the hotel room. I stole the golf cart.

I took a shit in Shanti's purse.

Wait, what?

You can't charge these women.

They did not destroy your spa.

I did, and I take full responsibility.

Whatever.

Charge the little red one and let the others go.

You have 30 minutes to pack your bags

and get off my property.

And if I ever see you in my spa again,

I will tell my security team to shoot to kill.

What?

Are we clear?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

♪ Two Augusts ago ♪

♪ I told the truth, oh, But you didn't like it ♪

♪ You went home ♪

♪ You're in your Benz I'm by the gate ♪

♪ Now you go alone ♪

♪ Charm all the people You train for ♪

♪ You mean well But aim low ♪

♪ And I'll make it known Like I'm getting paid ♪

♪ That's just the way Life goes ♪

♪ I like to slam doors closed ♪

♪ Trust me I know It's always about me ♪

♪ I love you I'm sorry ♪

♪ Two summers from now ♪

♪ We'll have been talking But not all that often ♪

♪ We're cool now ♪

♪ I'll be on a boat You're on a plane ♪

♪ 'Cause that's just the way Life goes ♪

♪ I wanna speak in code ♪

♪ Hope that I don't Won't make it about me ♪

♪ I love you I'm sorry ♪

You guys, I feel so bad for Mel.

-Me too. -Don't.

You guys, do not feel bad for her.

She's loaded. She's got so much money.

You know, she can find herself a good lawyer

and, and totally get out of this and be fine. Okay?

-Hey, Roger. -Hey.

Uh... What the hell happened last night?

What? Um...

Can you be a little bit more specific with that?

Right, uh...

Look, I just got a call from your friend Mel

asking for bail money.

Wait, why would she call you asking you for money?

-She's loaded. -Uh.

No, she's broke.

She lost her job and her house.

And now she's a part-time lizard salesman

who lives in Van Nuys.

-What? -What?

Wait, so why would she call you?

Well, she said she didn't have anybody else to call.

That makes no sense.

Why wouldn't she call, like,

literally any of her other friends?

Well, she said you guys

were the only real friends she ever had.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, look, I paid the money for the bail.

And she's on her way back to the spa to get her stuff.

I just thought you might want to know.

All right, thanks for doing all of that, Rog, okay?

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Bye.

We have to help Mel.

-Yeah, we do. -Yeah.

Okay, okay, what are we gonna do?

Okay, so,

-we have to find Shanti... -Mm-hmm.

-Mm-hmm. -and we have to get her

to drop the charges against Mel.

-Yes, yes, yes. -How? How?

We're not even allowed back on the spa grounds.

Yeah, that's a problem.

But you know what? Fuck it.

Let's go!

-The key doesn't work. -It doesn't work?

-The key doesn't work. Um... -No!

Well, if we can't get through the wall we gotta get over it.

Give me a boost.

-Okay. -Right there.

Oh, your feet are really...

-Goddamn. -You got it!

-Be careful. -Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay. I'm close.

-Sophie, are we doing it? -Yeah, uh...

Yes! Okay, push.

Okay. I've got it. I got it, I got it.

Oh, shit.

Hey, you guys.

Okay.

Just forgot my key.

She forgot her key.

We're not doing anything weird or illegal.

Jane, how are we gonna get into this spa

-if our keys don't work? -Wait here.

Oh, shi...

Hey!

-Run for your fucking life! -Oh! Go!

Why are they so fast?

Oh...

Why are they so fast?

Aye... Whoa...

Whoa!

Stop chasing us!

She's not gonna shoot us.

What the fuck?

I'm so... I'm sorry.

You're gonna get your eyesight back

in, like, three days.

Hey, Mel, where's Shanti?

-Oh, shit. -Oh, God.

-Oh, good. -Oh, jeez.

The dip shits are back.

Listen, Shanti.

You have to drop the charges against Mel.

And why would I do that?

She's a disaster.

Okay, yes.

Obviously that is true.

Yeah, there's definitely something wrong with her brain.

I-I still can't believe she's allowed to vote.

But let me ask you something.

In your group of friends,

is there one person who nobody really likes?

-Of course, Lauren Diplodocus. -Oh.

And do you ever wonder why you still hang out with her?

Actually, yes. All the time.

Well, I'll tell you why.

You hang out with her

because without her, life is a little bit boring.

Also because we love talking shit about her.

-That too. -That's not nice, Shanti.

But my point is if you get rid of everyone in your life

who rubs you the wrong way or who disagrees with you,

or who is a hot mess,

then life gets pretty dull pretty fast, right?

I mean, you need the train wrecks.

You need the shit shows. You need the human clown cars.

You need them because they stir things up

and they make life a little better.

-Do they? -Yes.

I had the best sex of my life this weekend

all because Mel forced me to talk to this really cute guy

who I would have never talked to,

and none of that would have happened without Mel.

-Yeah. -It's the same for me.

Mel got me out of a job that I hated,

and now I feel like Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.

Yeah, Mel even tried

to hook me and my ex-husband back up together

and it was a disaster, it did not work at all.

But you know, she tried to help me.

And I really appreciate that.

So when you say Mel is a disaster...

my response is "obviously."

I mean, she is the worst, we get it.

But she's our disaster and she's our friend,

and she makes things better for us.

And none of this works without her. None of it.

I just want to say, I love being your disaster.

Please don't take Mel away from us, Shanti.

We need her.

We do, we really do.

What do you say, Shanti?

Please?

Fine.

I will call the police,

and tell them to drop the charges.

Just anything so that you shut the fuck up!

Thank you.

And I will be sending you a massive bill.

-Yes, ma'am. -Oh, my...

Oh, I can't believe that worked. I can't believe that worked!

Oh, get in here, you lunatic.

Oh, my God. I love you guys. I love you.

-We love you too, Mel. -Oh...

♪ Sweet escape ♪

Ooh.

♪ Sunlight on the water... ♪

-You guys okay? -Hey, Roger.

Yeah, we're okay. Thank you for your help.

That's okay.

How are you doing?

-How am I doing? Um... -Yeah.

I-I want to say, um, sorry.

Like, sor... I am sorry for everything.

Oh, it's... Coco, it's one weekend. It's fine.

I'm not just talking about the weekend, Roger.

Like, I'm talking about, like, everything.

Oh, okay.

I, um...

I even made an appointment with a doctor, a therapist.

Oh, my God. Like, I don't even know their name.

Dr. Heeber Geeber or some shit. I don't know.

-Heeber Geeber? -Yep, that's

a very professional name.

And I don't even think being a therapist is a real doctor,

but it is what it is, and they have degrees

and hopefully they can give me drugs and...

I'm just gonna try, you know?

Coco, that's huge.

Yeah.

I'm really happy for you.

I, uh...

I really need some help.

I know. Babe, we all do.

Yeah. We do.

So, um, I'll see you next Saturday

in the parking lot, 2 p.m.

-I will be there. Yeah. -Great.

-Mm-hmm. -Um...

Maybe we could grab a coffee sometime.

Yeah, in a neutral location.

Yeah, I'd love that.

-Okay. -Awesome.

-See you later. -Bye, Coco.

-Bye. Get home safe. -You too.

-Stop looking at me like that. -I can't, I can't.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Hey. -All right, bitches,

-let's go. Are we ready to go? -Ooh!

-Yes, yes. -Wait, wait, wait.

-Do we have everything? -Yeah.

Wait. You're gonna leave your yoga boyfriend behind?

-Mel. -Come on, she's our friend,

and it's our job to tell her when she's being an idiot.

And you are being an idiot.

Oh, I hate that she's making me do this, but Mel is right.

-Wait, what? -I know. Don't get used to it.

I can't remember the last time I've seen you as happy

as when you were with Kai.

I know, I know, but I think I screwed it up last night.

-Oh, no... -No, you can unscrew it.

-You think? -Yes.

I mean, he did make me really happy.

-He's nice. And he cooks. -Yeah. Yeah.

And you smile from ear to ear.

Yeah, he's got a dick.

-Should I go? -Yes!

Okay. Really?

-Yes! -Okay.

♪ I want you back ♪

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Just know that I want you back ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Just know that I want you ♪

♪ I'll take the fall And the fault in us ♪

-♪ I'll give you all the love ♪ -Step one foot back.

♪ I never gave Before I left you ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, shit. Something's going down.

-She's really cute. I hate her. -I know.

Can we talk?

Hey, uh, I'm in the middle of class.

I'm really sorry about last night.

I could have handled that so much better.

The truth is that

I would love to make it work with you.

Really?

Yes. Let's just go to dinner and figure it out.

When?

July 19th?

Is... Is it Bastille Day or?

Let's go this Friday.

What about everything you said last night?

With your family and your job and kids and everything, Jane?

You know what?

They're just gonna have to take care of themselves for a few hours

because this is what I want. You're what I want.

And sometimes, just sometimes,

I get to do what I fucking want to do.

Oh, my God, I am totally on her side now.

Oh, me too. I hope they get married.

I'm not sure I fully believe what I just said right now.

Plus you work at a spa

and you live 100 miles away from me

and you sleep in a hammock.

And there's probably zero chance

that this is ever going to work out.

But you said to put myself first every now and again

and I'm trying really hard to do that right now.

So if you'll just have dinner with me?

He just said put yourself first.

-I know, I know. -When do we

ever put ourselves first?

Say yes before I screw this whole thing up.

For you, Jane, I'm free any night.

Aw...

Okay.

-Tongue, tongue, I saw tongue. -Whoa.

Bonjour and welcome to Solaris Monte Carlo.

Ooh.

-Oh my gosh. -Wow.

I can't believe it's your job to evaluate

every Solaris spa in the world.

I know.

And remember, we have to try every spa treatment...

-No. -every entree...

-What? -every cocktail, everything.

Oh my God, this is so much better than your last job.

This is so much better than any job.

Oh, wait, where's Mel?

Wow!

Whew!

-Okay. -You good?

How do I look?

-Great. -Insane.

-Okay, I... remember, um... -Yeah.

We cannot get too crazy this weekend though,

-okay? -Okay.

Absolutely, I'm going to be on my best behavior.

♪ Look at us livin' Our best life ♪

♪ Just giving ourselves right ♪

♪ Look at us Living our best life ♪

♪ Five, six Five, six ♪

♪ Seven, eight ♪

Whoa!

Holy shit.

But it feels like that goat knows what it's doing.

-Oh, I love you, Daddy. -♪ ...Your new addiction ♪

♪ It's all in my head But I want non-fiction... ♪

Oh, what's that?

It's a phone.

♪ Baby, do you like this beat? ♪

♪ I made it So you'd dance with me ♪

It's like I've never jumped before. Whoa!

-Oh! -Oh, shit!

Sophie!

Sophie, you got fucked up! Are you okay?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

No!

No!

What would you do for a job?

Would you be willing

to show your tits?

Would you be willing to go to Japan and escort?

Would you be willing

to give hand jobs at an old people's home?

I've done it. You wear a glove.

You're all demented.

-♪ H-O-T-T-O-G-O... ♪ -We're demented.

♪ You can take me Hot to go ♪

♪ H-O-T-T-O-G-O ♪

♪ You can take me ♪

♪ Hot to go... ♪

I'll take a happy ending.

Cut.

-That's nice. Ah... -Oh...

Oh! Oh...

Catch!

Are you okay, Jane?

♪ It's like a hundred Ninety-nine degrees ♪

Can I just say actually

one of the goats fucked me.

And today I felt really nauseous.

I feel like I'm glowing,

and, honestly, I could be pregnant.

I want to know the goat's gonna pay for our child.

I'm not raising this kid alone.

I want a hands-on dad.

♪ H-O-T-T-O-G-O... ♪

You're supposed to leave me

for like some pretty hot thing.

Not Kathy Lee Gifford.

Ina Garten. Angela Merkel.

Joy Behar. Okay, Betty White.

Dame Judi Dench.

That's so rude, by the way.

You're beautiful.

This is so fucked up.

I am so sorry I'm late.

My parrot is sick.

I fell off my scooter again.

I got attacked

by a swarm of bees.

♪ H-O-T-T-O-G-O... ♪

Okay, you can have all three of them.

All of my daughters.

-Oh, yes. -♪ H-O-T-T-O-G-O... ♪

I love you.

♪ Take me hot to go ♪

Isla, stop grabbing my ass and pack your shit.

I'm joking!

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ It's a great, great day ♪

♪ It's a good day ♪

-♪ Get up, woo! ♪ -♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, yeah ♪

♪ Can't you see The sun shining? ♪

-♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ -♪ Get up! ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, yeah ♪

♪ I woke up And I rolled outta bed ♪

♪ Got dressed And I left at ten ♪

♪ Checked my nails lookin' good ♪

♪ It's a beautiful day In the neighborhood ♪

-♪ Ah, yeah! ♪ -♪ I know ♪

-♪ This'll be the day ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah! ♪

-♪ Everything will be okay ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah! ♪

-♪ I kiss my cares all the way ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah! ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ Good, good day ♪

-♪ Good, good day ♪ -♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I think it's finally all ♪

-♪ Gonna go my way ♪ -♪ Go my way ♪

♪ Rain or shine No, I don't mind ♪

♪ This day is mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna chase all those Gray clouds away ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good day ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah Nah, nah ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good day ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah Nah, nah, nah, yeah ♪

♪ No more crying Myself to sleep ♪

♪ And thinking better days Are a far-off dream ♪

♪ Get up And I move my feet ♪

♪ 'Cause I hear music Playing on these streets ♪

-♪ Ah, yeah ♪ -♪ Ain't nobody ♪

-♪ Gonna cry today ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna ♪

-♪ Die today ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ I kiss My cares ♪

-♪ All the way ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah! ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ Good, good day ♪

♪ Gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ I think it's finally all ♪

-♪ Gonna go my way ♪ -♪ Go my way ♪

♪ Go my way ♪

♪ Rain or shine No I don't mind ♪

♪ This day is mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna chase All those ♪

♪ Gray clouds away ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good day ♪

♪ Nah, nah Nah, nah, nah ♪

-♪ Nah, nah, nah ♪ -♪ It's beautiful ♪

-♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ -♪ It's gonna be ♪

♪ A good day ♪

-♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ No more crying Myself to sleep ♪

♪ And thinking better days Are a far-off dream ♪

♪ Get up And I move my feet ♪

♪ 'Cause I hear Music playing ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good, good day ♪

♪ Good Good day ♪

♪ It's a good, good day ♪

♪ I think it's finally all ♪

-♪ Gonna go my way ♪ -♪ Go my way ♪

♪ Rain Or shine ♪

♪ No I don't mind ♪

♪ This day is mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna chase All those ♪

♪ Gray clouds Away ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good day ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah, nah ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good day ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah ♪

♪ Nah, nah, Nah, nah ♪

♪ It's gonna be A good day ♪